Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Congratulations, You Blocked Them; Now Evict Them From Your Head

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Congratulations, You Blocked Them; Now Evict Them From Your Head · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is another podcast, and it is quite different in orientation.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it occurred to me that I've spoken a lot about how to remove yourself from the damage that others might do to you.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it seems to me that there is an additional element to that, which is how you almost emotionally declutter yourself.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So this podcast title is When Someone is Expunged.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: The psychology of inner and outer separation.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: When you expunge someone from your life, you are effectively deleting them in two ways.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: You are signaling to them that you cannot tolerate any kind of contact with them, and that doing so would be injurious.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also having to pay attention to the residue.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this isn't simply about cutting contact, it's about psychological completion.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about the mind reorganizing itself after harm, confusion, and significant relational injury.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because expunging someone is not just an external act, it's an internal restructuring.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And without that, separation remains unfinished.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So what does expunging mean?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it means to not so much to erase the history or to pretend that the relationship never existed.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it means ending all relational access, ending emotional dependence, ending psychological entanglement, and ending the internalized authority or manipulation of the other person.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's movement from being psychologically trapped to becoming psychologically free.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And externally, what this may look like is no contact of any kind, clear boundaries, withdrawal from interaction and ending exposure to harm, signaling to the other person that there is no way that you want to have any form of continued contact with them.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you can only do this with people where you have that choice sometimes, not so easy.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But internally, something deeper must occur because a person can disappear from your life and yet still live in your head.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And distance and the emerging of clarity, there's something that happens only after a distance is created.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you step away, the emotional fog begins to lift and the nervous system settles, and the mind is no longer reacting, it's observing.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And with that distance, a difficult realization emerges.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just how much time, how much energy, and how much psychological life was invested in something that was truly damaging.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: When a person is in that, they can't see it, the distance allows it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: But while inside the relationship, investment feels necessary, even justified hope sustains effort, you know, attachment sustains endurance, but distance introduces perspective.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people will deceptively encourage you to maintain attachment.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: They will rely on you, they will maybe claim all sorts of things.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're in the situation, the hope keeps you there.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: However, there is a point at which that stops.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And perspective allows the mind to see what was given without return, what was tolerated without change, what was carried that was never yours to hold.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: The realization isn't about self-blame, it's about waking up.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: You see not only the other person more clearly, you see yourself more clearly.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: True expunging is an internal process of reorganization.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It means reclaiming the authorship of your emotional life and releasing the hope that the other person will change, because of course they won't.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Integrating the truth of what happens also occurs and letting go of the need for recognition, apology, or repair from them.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Although, to be honest, if apology or repair was ever likely to come, it would have happened already.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Closure doesn't come from the other.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Closure comes from integration.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: When we accept this is what happened and it was wrong.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is who they are, and this is where I am and who I am.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now expunging isn't about hatred.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's often mistaken for rejection, bitterness, or anger, and sure, some of those feelings may be there as well.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: But psychologically expunging is not about pushing the other away, it's about releasing yourself from their hold.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hatred, resentment, and unfinished longing bind you.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: True expunging is much quieter.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like I see clearly.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I no longer see from you.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I withdraw my emotional life from this space.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You no longer define my inner world.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's interesting, someone was explaining to me recently that they had expunged someone, and they realized that actually the space that the other person left could now be filled with something that was healthy rather than something that was toxic and damaging, which I thought was very insightful.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But this isn't an act of hostility, because to be honest, it acts of hostility are reactions, and that's not what's required.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So for expunging to bring peace, the mind often moves through several stages: recognition, emotional truth, perspective through distance, and withdrawal of psychological investment.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Internal reorganization occurs, and then some kind of completing takes place.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Expunging becomes necessary when trust has been repeatedly broken, emotional safety is absent, reality is denied or distorted.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then the relationship requires self-abandonment to in some way continue it, but it is not healthy so to do.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So any kind of continued contact reopens harm.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: So expunging is not avoidance, it's necessary self-protection and restoration.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can block someone and still feel bound.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop contact and still replay them internally.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can leave and still feel them psychologically.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Their voice no longer dominates your inner dialogue when you really have expunged.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Their behavior no longer denies your worth, their absence no longer destabilizes you.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship becomes part of your history, not your present.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Here's an important little tip.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think back to the things that at the time happened or things that were said, which you tolerated.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was also informed by the person I mentioned earlier about the person they were with, and who said to them on repeated occasions, frequently and with great feeling, how incredibly wounded they had been by those who had disappointed them or let them down or walked away or disappeared.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, they said that when they'd heard those things, they felt sorry and felt compelled to try and make it better.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: But in fact, I put to them, well, whilst that's understandable, do you now see that those were warnings?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Even if the other person didn't intend to warn you, what they've told you raises lots of red flags.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because if that's what's happened, it will happen again and it will keep happening, and you will be a victim of it.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's an important thing to consider.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Also, think about incongruence when the words and the actions never matched.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: The more distance you have, the more able you are to see that.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: There is a real kind of sober clarity about when you can see how much of yourself you gave, when you see how long you remained and see what you endured, but rather than regret and anger, that can be replaced by understanding, and understanding it wasn't your fault.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: That investment belonged to who you were then.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: This clarity brings you back to who you really are.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes the most profound separation is not the moment you walk away, but the moment your mind no longer turns back.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: The anger will diminish.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: The pain will resolve.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this happens because you realize that however the injury has occurred, the healthy thing to do is to distance yourself in a literal and emotional way.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm reminded someone else who said that a friend of theirs had essentially expunged her on the grounds that someone else had told her this person is bad for you.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: When we face that in ourselves and realize this person is bad for me, this person brings me nothing.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: In the moment it's hard to do it, but looking back, when there is clarity, we can see that what we have done is for us.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: The other person is no longer valid.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's about them, and they must live by their own actions.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So protect your psychological ground.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, distance brings clarity, clarity brings release, and freedom comes when you return to yourself.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is important for those people who are trying to extricate themselves from or have managed to at least physically extricate themselves.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's the internal residue that has to be in some way resolved.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hope this helps.