Latest / All The Light She Found / We Can Name It, But Did We Change It?
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello friends. It is so good to be back for this week's episode of All the Light She Found. And I'm your host, Kelly McGurk. I'm just really pumped to be here, let's be honest. I do want to say though, something that's been pretty great about doing this has been hearing from all of you. Like, I get messages every single week from people that I love this because I hear from Family members, friends, but I hear from people that I haven't talked to in years who are Facebook messaging me, or I got a message last week that said, I hope this is even still your number. We haven't seen each other in years. And they're like, I'm listening to the podcast and I love this about it, or this quote really stood out to me, or, you know, my clients are listening and they're they're giving me feedback that it's helpful. And that was the whole point. And I'm just super, super grateful that. It's been received in this way and that it's giving benefit. And I just want to say thank you for your crazy support and for listening. And I just love this journey and I love that you guys are on it with me. So I wanted to give big thanks. when deciding what to talk about this week, I was thinking about something kind of interesting that comes up a lot in. Reals on Instagram and TikTok. and in real life in my office and with friends and all the things. And are we over-therapeutizing our lives? Now, this is coming from your house therapist here. So it's not about saying therapy isn't good. No. What I'm talking about is that when therapies speak. Leaves the therapy room. Okay. And like kind of hear me out on this because this is like a big debate going on. And the American Psychological Association has weighed in on it. And everybody's had this conversation somewhere in any party or dinner party. The cool thing is, the really great thing is this we have more access to mental health information than we've ever had. That's obviously a good thing. People are talking about trauma. Women are recognizing unhealthy women and men. I don't even know why I just said women. Sorry, guys. Women and men are recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns. We are understanding better boundaries. We're talking about anxiety and depression instead of hiding them and suffering alone. So by no means am I saying, hey, let's go backwards. No way. But I do think we need to talk about what happened when therapy language became everyday language. Because learning the vocabulary gives us insight, but sometimes, let's just be honest, okay? It gives us a really sophisticated way to avoid looking at ourselves. And I want you guys to hear why, okay? I don't want to just throw that out there. But therapy language should help us get more curious about ourselves, not more certain about everyone else. And that's Kind of where sometimes the the reels, right? the social media reels kind of like get people stuck because they start looking outward. this person is a narcissist. This person is gaslighting me. This person needs boundaries, right? We're using all of the correct language, but sometimes we're not actually using it. For insight for us, we're going, that explains why my ex was blah, blah, blah. Right. And it's not that information isn't power. I just want to make sure that when we talk about this, it's a power that you're actually using to benefit yourself, like in a way that creates growth, if that makes sense. So I hope what I'm going to talk about today doesn't get my therapist card temporarily revoked, okay? Because You guys know, and if you don't know me, I'm gonna just put it out here. I freaking love therapy. I think therapy is a gift when with the right person, the right therapist, an open mind and a safe space, that is magic. So I'm not saying anything about like anti-therapy because I freaking love it. What I do see though, and it kind of I just get nervous because it gets people a little bit stuck. Somewhere along the way, everybody went to therapy without actually going to therapy. So TikTok, Instagram, podcasts, memes, love them all. I am a big fan of every single one of those things. But if you guys actually listen to conversations that are going around, it's like everybody's ex is now a narcissist. Everybody's mother is toxic. Everybody's boss is gaslighting them. everything uncomfortable now is called a trigger. I just I think it's interesting and everything that we don't want to do is now a boundary. And again, I hope that I can clarify what I'm talking about here. These are all knowledge is always power. Always. Okay. So I love this. I love all of it. I love that we're talking about mental health. I've spent my entire career focused on that. And I want more people in therapy, not fewer. and that's not because of any agenda of mine. It's just because the more that we can learn about ourselves and our behaviors and why our behaviors are there, that actually gives the power to move forward in your life. The fact that people now have words for experiences that they couldn't name. 20 years ago, that's freaking progress and amazing. I don't want the words to go away. What I want is I want people to use the words and the information as a tool to go deep in themselves and figure out, okay, what do I need to do? What am I noticing about myself? Okay. Interesting little tidbit, guys. Gaslighting. Became Webster's 2022 word of the year. that I think is wild. And thank you, TikTok. we took an entire graduate school vocabulary and handed it to the internet. So of course, things are gonna get a little wild, right? But the beautiful side, let's let's go back because I'm gonna go with the positive, of course. The beautiful side of this is people recognize abuse. People recognize depression. People are recognizing anxiety. People are now understanding that our childhood experiences follow us the rest of our lives. People are learning that saying no doesn't make them selfish. People who once thought something is wrong with me can now discover there's actually a name for what we're experiencing, and that's powerful. problem isn't the language. It's what happens when the language becomes the end of the conversation instead of the beginning. And that's what I'm pushing for. Let's talk about gaslighting because it seems to be a hot topic. Gaslighting actually is somebody remembering an argument differently than you. That's not gaslighting. Okay. Actual gaslighting, guys, if you really want to know, involves psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their thoughts, perceptions, reality, or memories. Okay. And a classic meaning of gaslighting is that it involves happening over time. So your partner saying to you, I don't remember saying that, not necessarily gaslighting. Your friend disagreeing with your interpretation of what happened, that's not necessarily gaslighting. Someone lying still doesn't automatically make it gaslighting. Sometimes people are wrong. Sometimes they're defensive. You guys, this can happen to all of us. Sometimes we just remember differently. And sometimes people are just being an a-hole. I mean, let's be honest. So is it really gaslighting? That's one of the things you want to know. You want to learn, right? So we just, we just want to make sure that we understand what these things are before we start throwing them all out there, right? I think like let's talk about boundaries. I have a fun story about boundaries. There was a person That I knew and was going to therapy and learned the word boundary. and then the boundaries that were created were I cannot help around the house unless I have four days notice. I cannot run an errand unless you give me 48 hours notice. That's my boundary. Now, one could call that a boundary, or we could just call it a little bit of emotional manipulation. Let's talk about boundaries. You guys, boundaries, it's controlling my participation. It doesn't give me ownership of someone else's behavior. A boundary isn't a remote control for another human being. Okay, that's not what a boundary is. Boundaries versus punishment. Sometimes people say. I'm protecting my peace. I mean, I love that statement because I think having peace is amazing. But maybe that means to them they're withholding, retaliating, avoiding communication, or trying to make somebody hurt because they hurt us. That's not a boundary. Calling something a boundary doesn't automatically make it healthy. Again, I want to talk about this because I Boundaries are key and they're so important. So I don't want to make this episode confusing or like, wait, what is she even saying here? What I'm saying is, yes, power comes from learning new things and power comes from taking full responsibility for our behaviors in our life, right? So that one's tricky because a lot of times what you'll see in these conversations in groups. Of women or men or whatever, especially in like the 30s and 40s group, right? You guys, you hear all of these words, this gaslighting, attachment styles, boundaries, like there's all kinds of beautiful, beautiful conversations happening. But the information only comes like, that's why this person sucks. that's why I am the way I am because my parents did this. You guys, it's just a much bigger adventure, okay, to really get that information, but then take that information and really start looking at okay, how am I showing up in the world based on the following? Let me go back to the example of the ex is a narcissist, okay? Somebody can be. Let's just let's get real here, okay? Because narcissist comes up a lot in my office, in the world, on TikToks. Someone can be self-centered, emotionally immature, defensive, controlling, arrogant, difficult without having a narcissistic personality disorder. Okay. But but we don't even freaking need to worry about a diagnosis. You don't need a diagnosis of someone to decide that someone's behavior doesn't work for you. Okay. So let's take this from TikTok to real life. You can be in a relationship with someone who has all of those things that I listed. Okay. But let's really question why am I in it? What do I get out of it? And What do I need to do to make this a better situation for myself? Because we don't get to control that person. People can become obsessed with figuring out other people. Think about it, especially in intimate relationships. Is he an avoidant? Is he a narcissist? does he have childhood trauma? Is he emotionally unavailable? Maybe. But the key, guys, is in any relationship, intimate friendships, whatever. How do you feel in this relationship? What happens in this relationship when you express a need? Can this person repair? You know what repair is, you guys? Repair is when they do something hurtful that they come back and say, I'm sorry that happened. I want to share with you what was going on with me. And I apologize for how that made you feel. Can they take responsibility? Okay. Is there reciprocity in the relationship? Is it two ways? Are things happening where your needs are being met and their needs are being met? And this is where therapy helps us move away from diagnosing people and towards understanding you. The word I'm triggered, that comes up 500 times on reels. And I know the reels I'm watching obviously are therapy related. Okay. But it becomes shorthand for I have a strong emotional reaction. Now, again, I want to clarify. We use this word a lot in the therapy office, and it is important. Trigger can be, I always say, if it's hysterical, it's historical. What does that mean? I think I've talked about this before, but I want to bring it up again when we talk about triggers. Okay. Triggering doesn't just mean you're irritated by someone, okay? Trigger can mean something that's deeply, deeply wound, okay? And someone reminds you. Of that deep hurt in the way they acted or what they said. And you become flooded internally in your nervous system, where you just feel like you're gonna lose your mind. You're either so upset or so raging angry, and you're like, Whoa, what warranted that? Okay. That is trigger. Okay. It doesn't mean it's a bad language, but I think we're throwing out all of these, like, you know. You want to ask yourself, you want to get curious if you get triggered, okay? Like what I just explained. You want to say what just happened inside of me right then? What story did I immediately tell myself? Now I know we've talked about this in prior episodes. So I want to make sure that you guys are getting that right. What did this remind me of? This is so interesting. You want ask yourself, did the reaction belong completely to this moment, or did this moment bump into something older? That typically is going to be the answer. And this is therapy, my friends. If you've ever wondered what is therapy, this is therapy. Therapy is looking into all of those questions. What did that remind me of? What's happening inside of my body? Blah, blah, blah, right? Your trigger does not mean everyone around you must stop triggering you because good luck with that, my friends. But if you can learn that your reactions are information to you, valuable information, you guys, that's where the good stuff comes in. We absolutely want to make sure that what we're noticing is not always about other people, but about how we're responding to other people. I want to say for sure trauma is real. My gosh, I've spent my life working with people with trauma. And I have watched healing from trauma completely change people's lives. And when I say completely, I mean it. Okay. I have watched this for decades. Pain matters even when we don't give it the biggest possible clinical word. I want you guys to notice that it doesn't have to be trauma. You guys, pain matters. When it's your pain, we don't need to give it a clinical word. We need to understand that heartbreak can be devastating. Frickin' rejection sucks. Grief sucks. Being embarrassed hurts. Conflict sucks. Being disappointed by someone that you love really hurts. We don't have to upgrade every painful human experience into a pathology before we're allowed to take it seriously. We can give ourselves tenderness because we're hurting, and that's fine. So if therapy isn't about collecting vocabulary words and diagnosing everybody, what are we even doing? I want you guys to understand what good therapy actually does. And let me tell you, this is when it's the sweet spot. Good therapy helps you notice patterns. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep dating the same person over and over, even though it's someone different? Why does everybody keep doing this to me? Sometimes people are doing crappy things to us, but therapy will ask you what part of this belongs to me. It helps you understand where something came from. I think when you look at your life, you can start to look at different things. It helps you understand where something came from. This is really important. There might have been a time when you being hyper-independent protected you. Maybe keeping everybody happy kept you safe. Maybe when you shut down, it kept conflict manageable to you. You guys, maybe when you were overachieving, you got the love or attention that you never got. Let's not shame that version of you. Okay? But therapy asks, do I still need to run this whole damn operation the way I've been doing it to make this work? this is what I really want to leave this with. Self-awareness isn't the finish line. Okay. You can say, I know I do this because of my childhood, or I know I'm an avoidant, or I know I drink too much alcohol, or I know I'm a people pleaser, or I know I shut down. Great. But now what? Great, you've got the insight. Now what? The goal of therapy isn't to become so self-aware that you can explain every effed up thing you do. Eventually, though, guys, self-awareness has to become behavior change. I mean, think about it. Knowing why you pick unavailable partners doesn't change who you date. Knowing why you people please doesn't create a healthy boundary. Knowing why you don't communicate when things are hard doesn't replace communicating. This is where the good stuff comes in. Insight opens the door, but you still have to walk through the damn thing. Okay? And good therapy doesn't always agree with you. I'm just gonna be honest. I think people sometimes imagine therapies. I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna tell my therapist what happened, and they're gonna tell me, you are so right. Sometimes validation is exactly what we need, but sometimes the therapeutic work is okay, I completely understand why you reacted that way. Now, can we look at whether that reaction got you what you actually wanted? Both things can be true. Your feelings make sense. And your behavior still may need to change. Validation doesn't mean nobody ever challenges you. Sometimes being deeply understood is what finally makes it safe enough to challenge something. Therapy should make our worlds bigger, not smaller. Okay? Because when we're doing the TikTok stuff, sometimes you guys, it makes everything dangerous in our mind. Everybody becomes toxic. Every disagreement becomes gaslighting. Every uncomfortable emotion requires avoidance. Every difficult relationship requires immediate cutoff. That doesn't necessarily mean we become healthier. Maybe it just means we become more afraid. Good therapy should increase our ability to distinguish danger from discomfort. It should help us understand boundaries versus control, acceptance versus self-abandonment, general conflict, or is it abuse, responsibility or shame, emotion from fact? How do I feel about it? And what story am I making up? The facts. And perhaps most importantly, what the hell belongs to me and what doesn't. I think that's one of the magical pieces of it. So I hope that when you guys hear today's episode, I want you to know the basics of the podcast are great information. Podcasts, memes, Instagram, TikTok. It makes us curious. Okay. But I hope that it makes you curious enough to want to go to the next step. Maybe it's like, you know what? Grief actually has changed me. Maybe anxiety is taking up too much space in my life. I think this happens all the time. We can understand intellectually why we do something, but we can't change it. Or something from our childhood keeps showing up in our adulthood. Maybe you're just in transition in life or you're tired of being the person who holds everything together. You don't have to have a diagnosis to show up in therapy. You can just arrive with a question. I'm glad we're all talking about therapy. I'm glad we're all talking about trauma. I'm so glad we're talking about emotional health. It's so beautiful. I just want us to remember that knowing the words isn't the same as doing the work. Therapy isn't supposed to teach you how to diagnose everyone around you. It's supposed to help you understand yourself well enough that you can live differently for you. Maybe that's the light this week, guys. Less labeling, more curiosity about other people, sure, but the most curiosity? How about we find that for ourselves? So, as always, I hope this week you guys find a little light out there. some little piece of joy that you can take with you. And I loved this episode and I hope it helps to understand what therapy is and isn't. So I'm your host Kelly McGurk and this is all the light she found.