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Stop Arguing with Reality With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome to this week's Mojo Monday. So something
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  Speaker 1: that I continue to notice about myself is how quickly
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  Speaker 1: I can turn a small event into a much bigger story.
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  Speaker 1: So things like somebody doesn't reply to a text message
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  Speaker 1: or you know someone feels a bit off, like a
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  Speaker 1: bit short with me or or something doesn't go the
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  Speaker 1: way I'd hoped. And almost instantly, my mind starts filling
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  Speaker 1: in the gaps with a story. So maybe they're annoyed
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  Speaker 1: at me, or maybe I've done something wrong. I'm like
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  Speaker 1: racking my brains to think of what that could be,
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  Speaker 1: or maybe they're just being inconsiderate. And before I know it,
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  Speaker 1: these emotions or feelings come up. So feeling of hurt
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  Speaker 1: or frustrated or annoyance, and I'm reacting to a story
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  Speaker 1: that might not even be true. But my mind is
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  Speaker 1: just like so convincing that that is the reality of
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  Speaker 1: what's happening. And that's something that I'm continually practicing is
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  Speaker 1: coming back to reality. So separating what is actually happening
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  Speaker 1: from what my mind is telling me about. Because the
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  Speaker 1: truth is our emotions have such a powerful influence on
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  Speaker 1: how we see the world. You know, they shape our decisions,
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  Speaker 1: our relationships and the way we respond to everyday situations.
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  Speaker 1: And this is often without us even realizing it. And
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  Speaker 1: when we become so fused, so caught up in our emotions,
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  Speaker 1: caught up in the stuff that's going on inside of us,
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  Speaker 1: it's so easy. to let those emotions take the lead.
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  Speaker 1: We end up getting caught up in resentment or self-criticism, disappointment,
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  Speaker 1: conflict and sometimes over something that was actually quite small
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  Speaker 1: to begin with. Now there's nothing wrong with having emotions
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  Speaker 1: of course, they're a part of being human but something
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  Speaker 1: that I have realised is that just because I feel
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  Speaker 1: something really strongly doesn't mean I have to let that
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  Speaker 1: feeling decide what I do next. And this is where
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  Speaker 1: I think coming back to reality is such a useful practice.
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  Speaker 1: And there's actually two parts to this. The first is
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  Speaker 1: really accepting what is happening inside of us, our thoughts,
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  Speaker 1: our emotions, even that inner critic that likes to make
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  Speaker 1: a grand appearance when things aren't going well. And in
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  Speaker 1: Marita therapy, there's a principle that our feelings arise naturally,
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  Speaker 1: that we don't have to control or get rid of
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  Speaker 1: them before we can get on with living. So if
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling frustrated, I can acknowledge that frustration. I don't
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  Speaker 1: have to pretend that I'm fine or talk myself out
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  Speaker 1: of it or wait until I feel calm before I
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  Speaker 1: do something useful or helpful. I can feel frustrated and
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  Speaker 1: still choose how I respond. And that brings me to
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  Speaker 1: the second part, which is accepting what is happening outside
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  Speaker 1: of us. And that's where it can get a little
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  Speaker 1: tricky because so much of our frustration comes from wanting
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  Speaker 1: people or situations to be different from how they actually are.
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  Speaker 1: You know, we think someone shouldn't have said that or
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  Speaker 1: they shouldn't think that or they should be more considerate
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  Speaker 1: and things shouldn't be this difficult for me. And maybe
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  Speaker 1: we're right. Maybe someone's behaviour really was inconsiderate or unfair.
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  Speaker 1: But look at reality straight on. It happened and no
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  Speaker 1: amount of arguing with it in our heads or venting
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  Speaker 1: about it to other people is going to change that.
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  Speaker 1: What we can influence is what we do next. And
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  Speaker 1: I think this is where we can save ourselves a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of unnecessary conflict. When we're caught up in
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  Speaker 1: resentment or feeling self-righteous about something, it's very easy to
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  Speaker 1: react in ways that actually can make the situation worse.
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  Speaker 1: We say something with a sharp tone of voice or
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  Speaker 1: with withdrawal together and just avoid them or become really
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  Speaker 1: defensive or keep an argument going long after it needed
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  Speaker 1: to end. But if we can notice what's happening inside
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  Speaker 1: of us, allow those feelings to be there and then
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  Speaker 1: look at the actual situation, then we can give ourselves
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  Speaker 1: a much better chance of responding in a more wise way.
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  Speaker 1: A good question to ask is what are the needs
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  Speaker 1: of this situation? What does this situation need from me
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  Speaker 1: right now? Maybe it's a conversation. Maybe it needs some
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  Speaker 1: sort of boundary or maybe it needs some patience or
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  Speaker 1: maybe it simply needs, you just need to get on
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  Speaker 1: with whatever you need to do. Acceptance doesn't mean approval.
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  Speaker 1: And I think this is where it can be really
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  Speaker 1: confusing because acceptance, it isn't passivity. It isn't just giving up,
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  Speaker 1: throwing your hands in the air. And it doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: doing nothing. What it does mean is starting from what's real,
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  Speaker 1: what's the reality, rather than what we wish were true.
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  Speaker 1: And we're not going to get this right all the time.
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  Speaker 1: And I certainly don't don't and I probably won't until
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  Speaker 1: the day I die. I just don't think we're ever
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  Speaker 1: exonerated from this work because our human minds are very
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  Speaker 1: good at pulling us back into our old stories, our
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  Speaker 1: old narratives, our frustrations and our judgments and our emotions
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  Speaker 1: can be incredibly convincing. But that's why I think coming
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  Speaker 1: back to reality as a practice rather than something that
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  Speaker 1: we master is really useful. We notice when we become
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  Speaker 1: caught up in our thoughts, we acknowledge how we're feeling
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  Speaker 1: and then we bring our attention back to what is
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  Speaker 1: actually happening and what needs to be done. So here's
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  Speaker 1: something to try this week. The next time you notice
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  Speaker 1: yourself getting frustrated or hurt or annoyed, ask yourself two
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  Speaker 1: simple questions. What is the reality of this situation? What
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  Speaker 1: is actually happening here? And what am I adding to it?
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  Speaker 1: I think this is really important, that second part, because
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  Speaker 1: we all need to take some responsibility for our circumstances
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  Speaker 1: and our situation. It's so easy to point the finger
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  Speaker 1: at others, but I think this question of what am
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  Speaker 1: I adding to it is a really good practice for self-awareness.
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  Speaker 1: And then given the reality of the situation, what's the
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  Speaker 1: most useful thing or the most helpful thing I can
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  Speaker 1: do next? Especially when you think of what outcomes that
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  Speaker 1: you're wanting? Because often emotions aren't thinking of long-term outcome.
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  Speaker 1: They're just thinking of short-term avoidance. So you might find
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  Speaker 1: those two questions create just enough space to make a
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  Speaker 1: different choice. Because we can't always change what's happening around us.
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  Speaker 1: There's so much in our external world that is out
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  Speaker 1: of our control. And we can't always change how we
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  Speaker 1: feel about it either. But we can keep practicing how
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  Speaker 1: we respond. And just to leave on a personal note,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, I've been practicing this for many years
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  Speaker 1: and I will continue to practice it. And it has
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  Speaker 1: made a huge difference, especially in my relationships. When you
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  Speaker 1: become aware of your emotional responses to things and you
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  Speaker 1: are able to just have that little pause before you
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  Speaker 1: respond to it can make a huge difference to the
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  Speaker 1: trajectory of where things go. So I have lived it
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  Speaker 1: and I really encourage you to practice this in your
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  Speaker 1: own life. Have a great week, everyone. I'll catch you
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  Speaker 1: next week. See you.