Latest / The Messy Middle Podcast / 30 | Why You Can't Just "Let It Go" - Let's Talk About Anger

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30 | Why You Can't Just "Let It Go" - Let's Talk About Anger · The Messy Middle Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Messy Middle, the podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Erica Leon, trauma-informed abuse recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the six keys to unfuckwithable.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the fuck you were before you were so carefully erased, you're in the right place.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the messy middle.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think this subject is probably misunderstood.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty feared, it's judged a lot, and if I'm honest, a lot of people try and bypass this, and the subject is anger.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily the dramatic, screaming, throwing things kind of anger that people tend to imagine.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really talking about more the kind that arrives rather quietly.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It catches you off guard often because after everything you've been through, you thought you'd feel relief being away and having separated or got no contact and rebuilt your life.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, often one day you realize you're just fucking furious.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And what I find really interesting is that most women don't come into my support groups or really even into client work saying that they're angry.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a thing off the bat that I hear from many people.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: They often come in saying things like, I'm confused, I just want to understand what happened, I don't know why I can't really let this go.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And they're always trying to make sense of something that never made sense in the first place.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, they're heartbroken, they're doubting themselves and they're grieving, and it is exhausting, and they're pretty exhausted.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then, sometimes months later or years later, something changes.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: They might be halfway through telling a story they've told before or something very boring and monotonous that they know how to do, and suddenly they'll just stop.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: The face changes, and they'll say, actually, no, that was not okay.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then they'll look at me almost apologetically and say, I think I'm angry.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like they've just admitted to committing some kind of a crime.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I always find it fascinating, and I remember it myself.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was almost like an invisible prison where I had no idea I had to really deconstruct why it was never okay to be angry.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's because they're angry that they look apologetically.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's because they're embarrassed that they're angry.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Almost like the anger itself means they've become someone they don't want to be.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where we really have to start here.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pull it apart like I pulled it apart for myself.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because I honestly don't think most women are frightened of anger.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think they're frightened of what they believe the anger says about them and how it's perceived and has been taught to us for generations.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about how we were taught to be the good girl, but most of us weren't raised to have a particularly healthy relationship with anger.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about the messages that girls receive growing up, it's much more along the lines of be nice, be polite.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad to see that it's changing recently, by the way.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Be kind, be understanding, don't make a fuss, don't overreact, don't be difficult, don't be a bitch, keep the peace.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Think about other people, be the bigger person, forgive the people that hurt you.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And now compare that to what anger actually asks you to do.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It asks you to notice when something isn't okay.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It asks you to stop smoothing everything over.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually noticing what someone is doing to you or what a situation is doing to you.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: It asks you to disappoint people sometimes, to be perceived a certain way.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: It asks you often to protect yourself.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And those two things don't fit together very comfortably.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do we tend to do?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of learning how to feel the anger, we learn how to redirect it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: We learn how to swallow it, explain it away, tell ourselves someone didn't really mean it, they were having a bad day, blah blah fucking blah.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: We minimize it, or intellectualize it, which is a huge one, or we become incredibly understanding, and sometimes so understanding that we understand ourselves right out of our own instincts.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Self-protection instincts.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't tell you how many women I've worked with who could explain their abusive partner's childhood in extraordinary detail, but couldn't tell me what they felt, didn't perceive what had happened to them as bad.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: They could tell me why he behaved the way he did, what stress he was under, what his parents were like, how he felt when his mom did pick him up from school one day, and I would have to gently interject and say, Yes, but how did it feel for you?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then nothing.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Silence.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, they did not know at that time, and I fully identified with that myself, because they've become so used to looking outwards that looking in at themselves felt almost selfish.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what years of conditioning does.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just relationship conditioning either, as I keep banging on about, and I'm so sorry, but I will never make it just about the microcosm.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's societal conditioning too.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Women are often rewarded for being endlessly understanding, quiet, putting up with a bunch, smiling, until one day that understanding it starts costing them themselves.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask me how I know.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want you to hear something here if you've ever wondered why I wasn't angry all the time.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do hear this a lot, and I hear a lot of women beat themselves up over this time and time again.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if it was really that bad, why didn't I leave sooner?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I tell him where to go?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I keep trying?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because your nervous system wasn't asking how do I express myself.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It was asking, how do I get through the day?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: How do I keep everything the same so that I can stay safe?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't have to look at this nightmare that really is I'm doomed if I do and doomed if I don't.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You feel very stuck in the middle in these situations where you feel like leaving will kill you and staying will kill you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't even have to be physically that you're worried about your physical safety.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But being in a relationship where you are not valued and respected or really loved, you're just to function for someone else is so lonely.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's lonelier than being alone.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're living in unpredictability, constantly trying to work out what mood someone one's in, when you're trying to stop arguments from escalating, you're managing children and trying to keep them safe, you're trying to keep a roof over your head.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Anger isn't always the safest emotion to access.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it's thought, I'll come back to that later.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, for so many women, anger would have made the situation more dangerous.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So instead, what does your system do?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It reaches for whatever keeps you the safest.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's appeasing, explaining, keeping the peace trying harder, making allowances, giving one more chance.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And please commit this to your memory.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this with love all the time.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is not because you're weak.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's because your body is incredibly intelligent.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: It chooses the strategy that's most likely to get you through.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that is smart.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes something changes.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily overnight.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's months after the relationship, or years even.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It can be while you're listening to something, like a podcast or you're driving, folding laundry, standing in the shower, something boring that you do all the time without really thinking, and a memory just comes floating back.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little more clear than usual, and you don't suddenly remember something new.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You remember it without making excuses for it.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You stop automatically adding, well, he was stressed, probably wasn't perfect either.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships are hard.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's like you've just seen something you haven't seen before.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you have, you know what happened and you've committed it in there, but you simply look at what happened and your body responds.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not the usual confusion, the gaslighting that you still tend to do to yourself after you've been gaslit, because that's how that works, but you're looking at it with anger.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not because you've become bitter.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Thank goodness, it's because clarity has arrived.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: It is a beautiful moment, actually.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so thrilled when people tell me that they're angry about this now.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: The treatment of them.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And to that I always say, fuck yeah.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: One of the weirdest things about this stage is the stories you'd probably been telling yourself for years suddenly sound different too.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: You tell the same story you've told to your best friend a couple of times, a couple of hundred, haha.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Except this time you might hear yourself.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You actually hear yourself describing being called names or walking on edge shells or having your stuff ruined, or being ignored for days, someone screaming up in your face all the time, not letting you sleep, waking you up to have quote unquote talks, having to account for every penny, being kept short of money, every minute, every friendship, every decision, accounting for everything.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of thinking, well, relationships are comp complicated, you hear yourself think, why on earth did I believe any of that was normal?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's quite unsettling because you're not just angry at them, it's sometimes you're angry that you spent so long trying to earn kindness from someone who had no intention of giving it.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Consistently at least, and if there wasn't an agenda.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that anger can feel enormous, like it's going to swallow you, and not because you're becoming some angry person, because you've finally stopped arguing against yourself.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And your body does definitely catch up.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes your body feels like it's changed its mind.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of my clients say, I don't know what's happened to me.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've cried less this month, but I'm fucking furious all the time.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And little things are winding me up, and they never used to.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm saying no before I've even thought about it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or my favorite, because I hear it all the time.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've become really intolerant.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I always inwardly chuckle an evil laugh when I hear it.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of love it because what they're usually describing, it's not being coming intolerant at all.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're becoming less tolerant of bullshit things that should never have required tolerance in the first place.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a really big difference between those two.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you have spent years making excuses, absorbing, minimizing, adjusting, of course it feels strange when your body starts suddenly saying, actually, no, you haven't become difficult, but that's what they want you to think.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You've just become more honest, you've become more discerning about what you will and won't do, will and won't give up, will and won't tolerate.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it can feel incredibly unfamiliar when you've spent years translating your own reality into something more acceptable for everyone else's fucking comfortability, if that's even a word.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever completely lost your shit over something tiny?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like someone leaving a teaspoon in the sink, or the dog tracks muddy footprints across the kitchen floor, or someone interrupts you halfway through a sentence, I can bet it'll be a man.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Side note, but or the washing machine beeps.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Mine does that thing that sounds like a song.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a Samsung thing or an LG thing, it drives me fucking nuts.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: But that's again for another day.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or your phone pings for the 20th time, and you think, I swear to God, if one more thing happens today.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Except it's not really about the teaspoon or the washing of the dog.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or the washing machine.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it might be actually about the washing machine, but your system is finally saying, I have been carrying far more than I realized.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've had women laugh in my groups because they'll suddenly realize that they rage cleaned the entire kitchen.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's the only way, I feel it's the only way.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I wholly approve of it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they emptied three cupboards, reorganized the garage, and somewhere around alphabetizing the herbs and spices, they think, fuck, I think I'm actually angry.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny because it's true.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Movement dot give anger somewhere to go.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's why we just suddenly clean, or we walk, or we garden, or we do something where we can just let that energy get free.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're not really just cleaning, we're moving that energy.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: The body is trying to finish something that never got finished.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's trying to almost give you a way to express what's been happening.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And often it's anger you never really got to feel back then.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is important because a lot of women think, why am I only getting angry now?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Surely I should have felt this years ago.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe this isn't today's anger you're feeling anyway.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It could and probably is yesterday's or last month's or last week's or three years ago.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's finally finding somewhere safe to exist.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this is that anger you swallowed when you stayed quiet because the kids were upstairs, or you didn't want to argue in front of your parents, or at a special occasion, maybe you swallowed it because you knew if you answered back it would become a three-day fucking feud.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the anger you swallowed because you couldn't afford to leave, or the anger you swallow because nobody would have believed you anyway.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because you were exhausted, because you still had to get up for work, because Christmas was next week, or because your mum was ill.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because life doesn't just stop, does it?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because your heart was breaking.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: The anger did not disappear.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: It waited.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: It does that.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: It waits until your body believes.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe now it's safe.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe now it's safe to pop my head up like whack-a-mole.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think it's quite beautiful, to be honest.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's not comfortable, but it's beautiful because your system didn't fail you.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: It protected you until it thought you could cope with the truth and you had a space for it.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to touch on something that this might not apply to you, and that's totally fine, but I've heard it often enough that I think I should mention it, just in case anyone out there is struggling with it.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the fear that I hear a lot of people say.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: They mention it in a lower tone, that they're worried about becoming bitter or becoming hard, or I don't like how angry I feel.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: What if I'm becoming like him?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And bear with me because I do find this fascinating.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: The very fact that you're worrying about becoming cruel already tells me that you're different.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when people ask me in the groups, maybe I'm the narcissist.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you ask yourself that question, you're not.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: The conscience that you have definitely means you aren't.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And people who enjoy hurting other people don't usually spend hours worrying that they're becoming unkind.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: But you do.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Largely you do because you have empathy, because you have a conscience, and because you care deeply about your impact on others.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your anger isn't frightening you because it's dangerous.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Likely it's frightening you because you've spent years watching what destructive anger looks like.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you've seen anger used as intimidation or punishment of you, or control or humiliation.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So your nervous system understandably says, if I become angry, will I become that?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And no, you won't.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: They aren't the same thing.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: One is anger and the other is entitlement.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just wearing anger as one of the disguises that abusers use to abuse.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: When people say that domestic abusers have anger issues, it is not that at all.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you put them in front of their boss or in front of a cop or a judge or somebody who has something they want, they can control their anger just fine.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: They are only doing it because it keeps them on top.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And those two things are world apart.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Entitlement and abuse and anger are very different.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And also anger and resentment aren't the same thing.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think we've muddied these two words together for years.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Resentment tends to sit, you know, circles, it keeps score, it quietly corrodes.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: But anger, healthy anger, it moves.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it's like the best gas in the tank.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: It actually makes things go quicker, very directional.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you bursts of energy.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you need sometimes when you're stuck in freeze because of your trauma.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: It points the way and says, There, that's where the boundary was crossed.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't okay.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's what needs to change.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And resentment often leaves you kind of stuck.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: But anger often gets your feet moving towards change or towards an attorney or towards a therapist or a new front door key or a conversation you've been avoiding, or even saying stuff like, Nope, I'm not doing it anymore.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's movement, you know, where you actually find that you aren't going to take it anymore and you stand up for yourself.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I don't really see anger as something to be frightened of.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I see it as something to become curious about, something yet another thing you have as a resource inside you that can actually help you.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because underneath anger, there's usually a value, a boundary, a truth, or a part of you saying, I matter, damn it.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I fucking matter.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I love it.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think maybe this is one of the first times that many women experience themselves as being on their own side.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's not perfect, obviously, it's not every day, and it takes a while to get into that zone where you naturally think about what's best for you first.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: But there's this little voice that says, No, we don't have to keep doing this, and no, we don't have to keep explaining, and no, we don't have to earn basic kindness, and no, we don't have to convince someone to give a fuck, and that's not becoming aggressive, it's just protective, it's discerning.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something incredibly moving about that because I'm always banging on about the inner child.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I know I'm boring, but there are so many versions of you in there that just wanted someone to stand up for them.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start doing it, like you're the wise adult parent, it feels to all of the versions of you like they have a protector, they can all relax a little bit.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your anger simply wanted change, and there's a lot of fear that comes up for women about anger, and they think, is this just me now?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna be one of those bitter bitches.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: What if I never get past this?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I get why that fear is there, because anger is such a strong emotion that it can feel as though it's gonna move impermanently.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to remember also that largely we've seen a lot of anger from the male side and misogyny, and we've melt it all together to be this huge destructive force.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: But in my experience, healthy anger isn't trying to stay around at all, it's just trying to do a job, like a catalyst job, a job that changes things.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think about any emotion you've had, joy isn't supposed to stay all day, every day, either.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: That would be ridiculous.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: You'd be put in an institution if you were constantly joyful and singing, probably.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, maybe you wouldn't.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: But neither is sadness.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't stay forever either.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fear, neither.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Grief.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a long time, sure, but they are all visitors.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: They all want to be expressed and let go.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: They arrive, they bring you information, and then they move on.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: And anger's job isn't to become your whole personality, its job is to get your attention, to facilitate change, and to say something wasn't okay and it needs to change, or to say, please stop abandoning yourself.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And once it's been listened to, it doesn't have to yell anymore.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think that's one of the reasons so many women stay stuck, because they've spent years telling themselves, don't be don't be angry, calm down, be the bigger person.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that is taught to them, by the way.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not blaming women in the slightest.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: This good girl bullshit has kept us all pretty frustrated in that arena.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: So anger keeps banging on the door because nobody's actually listened to what it's trying to say.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the quickest way through an emotion has to stop arguing with the fact that it's there at all.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: It also doesn't want revenge.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that might be a nice cherry on the on the cake, if you know what I mean.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I think this is another misunderstanding because.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: People often assume that if you're angry, you must want revenge.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you you're angry that you want them to suffer, you want to hurt them back, or you even are so angry that you lost them.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying none of us have ever had those thoughts, let's be honest.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: But after what some of you have lived through, there have probably been moments where you've imagined telling them exactly what you think, or doing some pretty awful things to them.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or imagined everyone finally seeing them for who they are.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's just human.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not really what healthy anger wants.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy anger isn't just sitting there thinking, how do I destroy them?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's thinking, How do I protect us?
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: That is me and all the versions of me.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they're really completely different directions.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: One keeps you facing them, and the other starts turning back towards yourself.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I often see anger become the thing that finally gets people to take action, to book the appointment, to hire the lawyer or block the number, stop explaining, and it doesn't make you cruel at all.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you decisive.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And something really awesome starts to happen here too.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: The anger starts to almost change shape.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't really disappear, it matures, and it might sound like, how dare they?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Then a little bit later, it's like, actually, I deserve better than this.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a little incrementally different.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: The first one's still facing them, but the second one is turned back towards you.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's where self-respect starts growing.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Your own experience finally becomes undeniable.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I have watched women go from crying because somebody ignored the boundaries to calmly saying, no, that doesn't work for me.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: No one's yelling, no trying to convince anyone.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's just certainty.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Quiet, still certainty.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I have not experienced certainty as being loud very often.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's usually quite quiet.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's that feeling you get when you just don't pick up the phone anymore.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: You just can't be bothered to justify or explain any of the bullshit conversations that they'll try and drag you into just so they can control your emotional state for their supply.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's the person that just quietly walks away from conversations that once would have consumed three days of your life.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's strength, and it just is peaceful.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also something else that's sitting underneath this whole conversation.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Women's anger is treated so differently.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: A man raises his voice, and people go, Oh, he's passionate, he's assertive, he's standing his ground.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: But a woman does exactly the same thing, and she's emotional, difficult, or a bitch, or intimidating, or too aggressive.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's no wonder that so many women feel uncomfortable with their anger.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: The double standard is insane.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: They spent their whole lives receiving the message that it's acceptable for other people, but not for you.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Apologize, maybe, even when you're completely justified?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: You might soften, they smile, they laugh.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: We all do it.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Saying something painful, they quote it and say, if that makes sense, they say, I'm probably overreacting before they've even finished the sentence.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I've watched women apologize for crying, apologize for everything, taking up time, asking questions, needing space, apologize for existing, if we're honest.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: And at some point we have to condition ourselves out of it, and it has to stop.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't necessarily mean you're becoming less kind, but I think sometimes that's what's needed.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: But we're becoming more truthful.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I love the shift I see is when a woman stops feeling she has to justify every decision she makes.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't need 12 reasons or 15 opinions, doesn't need unanimous approval, doesn't need everyone to understand.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: She just knows this isn't good for me anymore.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's enough.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's enough.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think when women are done, they are really done.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something so fucking powerful about watching a woman stop negotiating against herself.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's clear, it's different.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: And powerful anger to me, healthy anger that moves, doesn't scream or slam doors, it doesn't send like epitome messages, justifying everything.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: It just changes your standards very quietly and softly, and over time, changes what you'll accept, who gets access to you, how quickly you notice red flags, changes how much explaining you do, and it quietly just sets about changing your life without really needing anyone else's permission, by the way.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if anger has started to show up for you, don't assume you've gone backwards.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that this is not linear, none of the shit is linear.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably bored with me saying that, but please don't assume you're becoming bitter.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't assume you're failing at healing because you don't feel calm all the time and zen.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes anger's just evidence that your nervous system finally believes you're safe enough to tell yourself the truth.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: We often cannot see what we need to back when it's all happening because we couldn't take it.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: That truth might be as simple as that wasn't okay, or I deserve better, or I'm not doing that anymore, but those are really important sentences.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: They don't change the past, obviously, but they absolutely can change your future.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: Anger is not arriving to punish you.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that it's arriving because for the first time in a really long time, there's a part of you that loves you enough to stop asking you to tolerate what was hurting you.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's where you are right now, you don't need to rush to get rid of it, you don't need to judge it, you don't need to apologize for it.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just listen.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because underneath all that heat might be a really strong part of you finally finding her voice.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I love it for you.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: So welcome your healthy anger.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Before you go, we're getting to the end now.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you're happy that I'm stuck yapping really soon.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I'd love to leave you with just a little practice that I call release and purge.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's really good for anger.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice anger sitting in your body this week, instead of immediately trying to calm yourself down, see if you can just become curious about where it actually lives.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna locate where it is.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Close your eyes for a minute and just simply notice where is the strongest feeling in your body?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: So this is for when you feel anger coming on.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is it in your chest, your stomach, your throat, your jaw?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't analyze it or anything, just notice.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next thing we're gonna do is give it permission.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to make it go away.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, for the next 30 seconds, I really love you to just stop fighting it, let it exist, and then we're gonna ask it a question.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: If this feeling could speak, what would it want me to know?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not what should I do, but simply what do you need me to hear?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then just listen.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to imagine every outbreath carrying just a tiny bit of that energy out of your body.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to force it, don't have to empty yourself, but just imagine each breath taking a little of the pressure with it.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: If your body wants to sigh, let it sigh.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: If it wants to yawn, let it yawn.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: If it wants to stretch, stretch.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: If it wants to cry, cry.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your body knows how to complete things when we stop interrupting it or stopped in it or trying to get it to do a workaround.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you're ready and you've located that feeling and you've let some of that energy out, place a hand over wherever that feeling was the strongest.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't want to make it disappear, you just want to acknowledge I heard you.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: So you can keep your hand where you felt the anger, you can talk to it, you can ask it what it wants you to hear, and then you can just acknowledge I heard you.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's all your nervous system's been waiting for.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: And practice this as often as you can.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: You'll get really good at it.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: I will wrap up for now.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sending you so much love.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: As always, send me your questions if you'd like me to answer them in a future episode.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you try this little practice at the end, and I will see you next time.