Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 45: Is This Toxic?

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EP 45: Is This Toxic? · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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We talk a lot about toxic relationships.
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You know, people who ignore our limits or pressure us into
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things that we know aren't good for us, or they leave us
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depleted and regretful. But what happens when the
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person doing those things is you?
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What if the relationship that needs better
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boundaries is a relationship you have with yourself?
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Sometimes the person we need to learn to say no to is
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us. Today we're talking about what mature self-boundaries
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actually look like and how to begin building them.
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If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much,
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and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold on to,
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you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom,
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former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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Here we talk about how to protect peace, set healthier boundaries,
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and get clear on what actually matters so that you can build a life
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that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
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So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into
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this next episode.
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Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I am your host, Lori Grimes,
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and today we are turning the boundary conversation inside
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inward. So what do I mean by that? Well, I think
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it's really easy to identify where someone else is getting in the way
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of our boundaries, but it's much harder to ask, where am I
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getting out of bounds with myself? And I don't want this conversation to
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just become another reason to beat ourselves up or to just to make
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us ourselves feel bad. We're just not doing it right. It's about not
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making 20 more rules for yourself, and it's definitely not
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about perfection. We are not doing that here on the podcast.
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It's really about developing mature self-boundaries.
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It's about learning to take responsibility for the things that actually
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belong to us. So in Galatians 5:22-23,
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it tells us, but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
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peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
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faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Self-control.
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So self-control is right there, right there in the verse. And it's
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not control of everyone around us, right? It's self-control.
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And before we can develop healthier self-control, we have got
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to start identifying what is hindering it. So I want
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to give you 5 questions to help you do that. So the first one is,
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what are the symptoms? So we've got to start examining
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our fruit. You know, what is growing on that tree of
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ours? So what's happening in your life that tells you
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something might be out of balance? Something's off.
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Like, are you constantly overwhelmed or always
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irritable and exhausted? Maybe you procrastinate
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and you're just scrambling to try to catch up. Maybe you're continually saying
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yes and you're overcommitted, or you're spending more than you budgeted
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for, or that you you intended. Maybe you're just scrolling and
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scrolling and you know you're tired, but you just can't stop yourself.
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Or maybe it's a yes and then you feel that resentment piling
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up and building up about everything that
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you've agreed to, friend, that's on your calendar. Maybe you're starting to notice
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problems showing up in relationships with your kids or your husband or
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at work, or your ability to Follow through at home.
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The point here isn't, look at everything I'm doing
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wrong. No, it is, what fruit
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am I seeing in my life right now? Because the symptom
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isn't always the actual boundary problem. Sometimes it's
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just the smoke telling us where to look for the fire.
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So number 2, what are the roots? So we need to
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be root inspectors. Once you recognize a pattern,
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get curious about where it came from. Um, why is this
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particular boundary difficult for you? For some of us, healthy limits
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were never modeled for us. I know it wasn't for me.
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And for others, overachieving was rewarded. That was my
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family. Keeping everybody happy helped us feel safe and
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belonging and valuable. Sometimes we learned that having needs
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was selfish. I know in my family,
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not having needs was like a value. It was
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like something that you tried to become.
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It's like having no needs. Sometimes we're trying
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to meet a legitimate emotional need through something
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that isn't actually helping us. Like spending can become
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comfort, and scrolling can become our
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way to escape. Food can be the way we soothe.
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Our emotions, and busyness can become a way to avoid
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sitting still with what we're feeling. And if you've lived
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under a lot of legalism or rule following,
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even the word boundary can sound like one more standard you're going
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to fail to meet. And that's why simply saying,
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have more discipline, doesn't always work, does it?
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We need to ask a better question. What's underneath
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this? So in Ephesians 3:17, it talks about Christ
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dwelling in our hearts through faith so that we
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are rooted, deeply rooted and established in
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love. And that's the posture I want us to have here. Healthy self-boundaries
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shouldn't be rooted in shame.
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No, it should be rooted in love.
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We're not asking, what's wrong with me? We're asking,
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What happened here and what do I actually need?
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So number 3, what is the actual boundary conflict?
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So now let's get specific here. Where are you having trouble
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setting a limit with yourself? It could be eating,
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money, time. Maybe it's task completion.
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Maybe you start something you don't finish. It's your phone.
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It's the words you're using or your temper and how you're
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saying things. Maybe it's your work. Maybe you're just putting a lot of things off.
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Maybe it's your sexual behavior. Maybe it's alcohol
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or some other substance that you are abusing
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here, or continually inserting yourself into situations
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that actually aren't your responsibility.
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How about saying, I need more self-control? It's, it's vague,
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right? But saying, I need to stop committing to things before I check
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my calendar That is a real boundary. And I need to put
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my phone down at a certain time. Again, that is a real boundary.
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How about saying I need to decide what I'm willing to spend before
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I walk into the store? Again, we are setting a clear boundary.
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So if we have the boundary,
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there's going to be another side to it that we don't talk enough
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about. Sometimes the boundary isn't about telling ourselves
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no, it's giving ourselves permission to say yes.
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We are saying yes to rest, or yes, that I— it's okay
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to ask for help, or yes, that I could leave something
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unfinished to tomorrow. Maybe it's I can spend reasonable
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time or resources taking care of myself. And yes to
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having needs. It's okay, guys, to have needs. Mature self-boundaries
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help us recognize both. So number 4, what do I need
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to own? This is where it can get a little uncomfortable.
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There is a difference between blame and ownership, right? There may
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be very real reasons why you develop the patterns you have.
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I do believe that you may not be responsible for
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how the pattern started, but once you can see it,
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you do become responsible for what you're going to do with it.
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And that is where boundaries come back to one of the
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questions we've been talking about over and over on this podcast.
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You probably heard me saying this a million times. What belongs to
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me? My husband's behavior does not belong
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to me. How about that teenager's mood?
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My daughter's mood? It doesn't belong to me. Someone else's
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disappointment also doesn't belong to me, and their choices don't
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belong to me. But, but your yes belongs
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to you. Your no is yours, and your calendar
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is under your control. Your spending, again,
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is yours. The words you choose, those do belong to
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you, along with your reactions and your choices. And sometimes we blame
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other people for boundaries we're not willing to keep with ourselves.
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Like, everybody takes all my time. Have you heard yourself saying that? But you
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keep saying yes. My phone is so distracting,
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but you keep picking it up. Everybody keeps pulling
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me into their drama, but are you participating,
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friend? I never have time to take care of myself,
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but every time I block out that time you find yourself giving that
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time away? That's not about blaming ourselves. It's just about
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recognizing our power here. We are not victims.
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We can change what actually belongs to us. And that
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is a great thing to recognize because once you recognize
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it, then this part belongs to you. And that's something you can take action
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on. So number 5, what do I need? Taking ownership
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doesn't mean doing everything alone. In fact, one of
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the most mature things we can do is recognize where you need help.
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This could mean a trusted friend or someone you've chosen
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to be accountable to, a counselor, a recovery
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community, or pastoral support, maybe even just some
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kind of professional help, or simply just somebody safe enough that
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you could tell the truth to. We need relationships, guys, that contain
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both grace, and truth. People who can say, I love
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you, but I've noticed something. You seem overwhelmed
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every time you do this. Or maybe they say to us, you keep saying this
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isn't working, but you keep making the same choice.
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And instead of immediately defending ourselves, maybe we can stop and ask,
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is there something here I need to hear? So now we've identified
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the problem. How do we begin changing it? Because We
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need to address the real need here, guys. So before
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you just address a behavior, you need to ask what
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that behavior has been doing for you. But doing for you, you're getting
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some kind of payoff for that. What are you actually
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reaching for? If you're staying on your phone long after you're
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exhausted, you may still be looking for some kind of relief.
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If you're spending impulsively, You may be reaching for
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comfort or excitement or a sense of control. And if you keep
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saying yes when you're already way overloaded, you may
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be just trying to feel needed or avoid disappointing someone.
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The behavior isn't always the need. It's often just
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the strategy you've learned to cope and meet the need.
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So Jesus gives us an interesting picture in Luke 24:26.
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He describes an unclean spirit leaving a person
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and wandering through dry places looking for rest. And when
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it doesn't find any, it just decides to return to the person it
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left. And when it comes back, it finds its former home swept
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and put in order and clean. And guess what it does? It brings 7
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other spirits even more evil than
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itself, and the person's condition ends up worse than it
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was before. Now Jesus isn't specifically teaching about personal boundaries
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in the passage, so I don't want to take that out of context.
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But there is an image here worth paying attention to.
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It's not always enough to just take something away.
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You have got to replace it with something healthier.
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If scrolling is how you've been checking out, what is real
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rest going to look like, friend? If spending is how you've been comforting
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yourself, What is going to bring you comfort when you remove
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that? If overcommitting is how you've been proving your value
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to people, where is your value going to come from when you stop performing?
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These are all questions we have got to ask. We cannot just remove
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the behavior and not address the need underneath.
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So allow yourself to fail. You're gonna mess this
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up. I am too. We're gonna cross our own boundaries.
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We are going to stay up too late. We're going to say yes when we
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should have said no. We're still going to waste some time.
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But that doesn't mean the boundary didn't work. Breaking a boundary
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doesn't mean the boundary was a failure. It just means we have another opportunity
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to keep practicing it. Maturity isn't necessarily
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never crossing a boundary again, right? It's just recognizing it
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sooner, owning it sooner. It's like rebounding faster and returning
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to the boundary sooner. That's grace.
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Grace doesn't mean there are no limits. It just means it gives us room
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to keep growing. So we need to also
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listen to empathetic feedback. We need people
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who can see the things we can't. And not everybody should get a vote
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in your life, guys, but paying attention to the people who have earned the right
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to speak into it is important. The person who loves you and says
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you don't seem like yourself lately, or you keep saying
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you're exhausted, but you're adding things to your schedule.
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These are the things that we need to recognize and, and ask,
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tell me what you're seeing. That takes maturity.
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And sometimes other people can see things that are out of bounds before
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we can see it. So finally, I want to talk to you
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about consequences because they do teach us something.
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As parents, we get this concept pretty well, right?
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Johnny does this and this happens to Johnny. And we know that
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that is important for Johnny to go through. We know that
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constantly rescuing our children from consequences,
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you know, takes the learning part away and we rob them of that experience.
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But sometimes we rescue ourselves from our own consequences.
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We procrastinate and then stay up until midnight trying to fix
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it, or we overspend and move money around so we don't have to change our
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spending, or we overcommit and then expect everyone around us to rearrange their lives because
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we're overwhelmed. Instead of immediately trying to make the consequence disappear,
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we need to stop and ask, what is this trying to teach me? Because exhaustion
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can show us that we need a time boundary.
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Resentment can reveal that we've been saying yes when we really should
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say no. And financial stress can expose the
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need for a spending boundary. Okay, so consequences
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aren't always punishment. Sometimes consequences are just the
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teachers that we need. So here's what I want you to do this week.
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Don't walk away from this episode and create
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20 new rules for yourself. Please don't do that. Just pick one area,
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just one, and ask, what symptoms am I seeing?
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What is underneath this pattern? And where is the actual boundary
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conflict? What part of this belongs to
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me, and what do I need here? Then start
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practicing it. Address the real need and give yourself permission to fail and
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return. Listen to feedback from safe
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people. Let the consequences of your choices teach
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you instead of continually rescuing yourself
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from them, because we can spend a lot of
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time asking Who in my life needs better boundaries? But sometimes
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the answer is me. Not because you're toxic
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and not because you're failing, but because part
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of becoming emotionally and spiritually mature is learning
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how to govern the one person God
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has actually given you the responsibility for. You,
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my friend. Hey friend, I hope you
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enjoyed today's episode. If so, would you take 30 seconds
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and go join our free Facebook page at Healthy Boundaries
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for Moms. That's where we go deeper, share what's actually
16:40
working, and support each other in real life. I will also
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share some great tools and tips to help you along this journey.
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I have also included a link to sign up for our brand new weekly
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newsletter in the Facebook group. Don't forget to hit follow and
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leave a quick review on Apple. It really lets me know that this podcast is
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helping you. More importantly, it helps more women find
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this podcast. Now go say no to something that's stealing your peace and
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say yes to something you actually need. And I'll meet you back here
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in the next episode.