Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Episode 5: The Adult Relationships of Attachment — Why We Keep Recreating patterns

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Episode 5: The Adult Relationships of Attachment — Why We Keep Recreating patterns · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this is episode five of the second series on attachment.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is about the adult relationships of attachment and why we keep recreating what we needed to survive.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: But before I start, I want to just add something of a disclaimer.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because looking back across the various scripts and listening myself to my podcasts, it occurs to me that in order to bring some of the principles and theories to life, I need to use examples.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk about these experiences in ways which are hopefully informing.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's important to just mention that these are examples.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: They are, of course, anonymized.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: They are constructed in ways which don't necessarily exactly fit the real experience.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: So they are illustrations.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're not intended in any way to describe specifics.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: The thing is that principles and theory alone are dry.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so for this reason there is always inclusion of broader data and theoretical principles that underpin the work that I do.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that helps.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But let's return to the subject for today, which is to do with the recreating of patterns that were developed in very early childhood and how they find expression in adulthood in a repeated way.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So have you ever looked back across your relationships and noticed a pattern?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think most of us do.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It may be okay, we have different people in the present, different circumstances, and there are different stages of life, and yet somehow the emotional experience feels strangely familiar.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: You find yourself rescue again, uh rescuing again or withdrawing again or chasing reassurance again or becoming responsible for somebody else's well-being again.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And although the faces change as do the stories and the relationships, somehow the emotional pattern remains.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's because human beings do not enter relationships as blank states.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: We bring with us an entire history of attachment, not simply memories, not simply experiences, but solutions, strategies, ways of surviving.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And often without realizing it, we've been we begin recreating the same dynamics that originally shaped us.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And over the last three episodes, we've explored compulsive self-reliance, compulsive care giving, and compulsive care seeking.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And today we bring those adaptations together because attachment strategies do not exist in isolation.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: They become visible most powerfully inside relationships.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And once we begin understanding how these patterns interact, many of our relational struggles suddenly begin making sense.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: We don't marry our attachment style.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important ideas in attachment psychology is this.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: We don't simply choose partners, we choose attachment experiences, not consciously, but emotionally.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And we're often drawn to what seems and feels familiar, even when that familiarity produces suffering.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why people sometimes find themselves repeatedly entering relationships that create anxiety, frustration, loneliness, dependency, and emotional exhaustion.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean the relationship may be new, but the attachment experience is often old.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, let's look at one of the most common pairings, which is when the self-reliant meets the compulsive care seeking.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most common pairings, and the compulsively self-reliant individual and the compulsive care seeker at first can feel strangely attractive to both people.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: The careseeker experiences somebody who appears strong, stable, self-contained, reliable, consistent.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the self-reliant individual experiences someone who is emotionally expressive, expressive and deeply invested in connection.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for a time it works, but then the attachment becomes activated.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The careseker wants reassurance.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: The self-reliant person wants space.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: The careseker moves closer, and the self-reliant person may pull away.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And neither person is trying to hurt the other.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Each is attempting to regulate their attachment anxiety.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But because their strategies are opposite, they unintentionally activate one another's fears.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: The more reassurance one seeks, the more pressure the other feels, the more distance one creates, the more abandonment the other experiences.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually both begin feeling misunderstood.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And another is when compulsive care giving meets compulsive care seeking.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: One might think of this as a perfect match.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: But whilst it's can be highly functional initially, the caregiver loves being needed and the careseeker needs reassurance.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And at first, this does feel like a perfect fit because the caregiver provides support.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: The careseeker feels safe.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody wins until exhaustion arrives.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because eventually the caregiver becomes somebody who's carrying more and more responsibility for the emotional well-being of the relationship.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly something changes.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship stops feeling reciprocal.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: One person is giving, the other is needing.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, resentment quietly enters the system.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not because either person is bad, but because attachment has become organized around imbalance.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: The resentment becomes greater and greater, and eventually the caregiver is somebody who can no longer tolerate this experience because they disappear within it and stop being themselves.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Another fascinating combination is when compulsive caregiving meets compulsive self-reliance.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: The caregiver wants to help, the self-reliant person doesn't want help.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: The caregiver notices distress, the self-reliant person denies distress.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: The caregiver moves towards, the self-reliant person steps back.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Both become frustrated.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: The caregiver feels rejected, the self-reliant person feels intruded upon.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And neither fully understands what's happening.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because underneath there are two entirely different attachment systems in at play.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: For one, it's I must look after other people, and for the other person it's I must look after myself.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: The hidden attraction, now this raises an important question.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why do these appearings occur so frequently?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer lies in familiarity.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment strategies often recognize one another, not consciously but emotionally.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: The nervous system notices something familiar, a dynamic, a feeling, a relational atmosphere.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And familiarity is often mistaken for compatibility.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't necessarily mean that the relationships are doomed, but it does mean that old attachment patterns often enter the room long before conscious awareness.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: During conflict, attachment becomes most visible.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: When life is calm, strategies remain hidden.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: When stress appears, they emerge.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: The self-reliant withdraws.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: The caregiver overfunctions.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: The careseker pursues reassurance.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody begins doing more of what once protected them.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, this creates the very difficulties they are trying to avoid.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now there is a concept known as repetition compulsion, and we psychodynamic thinkers have long observed something curious, and that is that people often repeat unresolved emotional experiences, not because they enjoy suffering, but because the mind continues searching for a different outcome.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the child who never felt fully seen may continue seeking relationships where recognition feels uncertain.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: The child who carried everyone else's burdens may continue finding people who need rescuing.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: The child who learned self-reliance may continue choosing emotional distance over vulnerability.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: The past continues asking its questions until those questions are finally understood.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Clinically, one of the most common moments in therapy is when somebody suddenly recognizes they have a pattern.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the partner, it's not the circumstances, it's the pattern.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And they began they begin saying things like, I keep ending up in the same type of relationship, or the people are different, the times are different, but the feeling is always the same.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this moment matters enormously because awareness creates choice.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Without awareness, we simply repeat, with awareness, we can begin doing something different.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now the goal isn't to stop loving, and let's be careful.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is not to stop caring, to stop needing, to stop helping.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is flexibility, the ability to move towards others without losing yourself, the ability to depend without becoming overwhelmed, the ability to care without becoming responsible for everybody, the ability to receive support without feeling weak.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Secure relationships offer something many strategies have never experienced consistently.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: They experience reciprocity, the freedom to give and the freedom to receive, the freedom to be vulnerable without becoming dependent, the freedom to be independent without becoming isolated.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Insecure relationships, attachment no longer needs to be managed through survival strategies, because the relationship itself becomes emotionally safe enough.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps one of the most important truths about relationships is that we are rarely arguing about what is happening today.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're often reacting through patterns that began many years ago.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns that once protected us, patterns that once helped us to survive, patterns that still live quietly inside us.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Compulsive self-reliance, compulsive care giving, compulsive care seeking.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: None of them are evidence of weakness.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: They are evidence of adaptation, evidence that the attachment system found a way to survive.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: But survival and intimacy are not the same thing.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because eventually every relationship asks the same question can you remain connected without abandoning yourself?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps attachment security begins the moment we realize that love was never supposed to require survival strategies in the first place.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.