Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Dolly Parton Had Thoughts About Trump & Trump's "Open Can of Spam" | Breaking Absurdity Ep. 32

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Dolly Parton Had Thoughts About Trump & Trump's "Open Can of Spam" | Breaking Absurdity Ep. 32 · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

• 0:00
  Resurface footage has emerged of Dolly Parton
• 0:02
  being asked whether she thought Donald Trump
• 0:03
  was qualified to be president. Dolly answered
• 0:06
  like only Dolly can, saying she might run herself
• 0:09
  because she has the hair for it, and that whoever
• 0:11
  won the election, America was going to have PMS
• 0:14
  in the White House. Presidential mood swings,
• 0:17
  that is. Meanwhile, following Dolly Parton's
• 0:19
  death, Trump issued a surprisingly dignified
• 0:22
  and almost completely normal tribute to a woman
• 0:24
  who spent her entire career carefully avoiding
• 0:26
  political endorsements. Which apparently didn't
• 0:29
  last long, because today Trump claimed Dolly
• 0:32
  Parton really liked him. It sounds like Trump
• 0:34
  has decided to interpret Dolly's complete refusal
• 0:37
  to endorse him as an endorsement. And apparently,
• 0:41
  Dolly isn't the only person whose appearance
• 0:43
  Trump has been thinking about. Anthony Scaramucci
• 0:46
  has just revealed some of the secrets behind
• 0:47
  Trump's legendary orange complexion, including
• 0:51
  the bronze -sourced bronzer that Trump allegedly
• 0:53
  applies himself. If you were wondering whether
• 0:55
  Trump was born with it, or maybe it's Maybelline,
• 0:58
  we finally have an answer. Scaramucci's mother
• 1:01
  reportedly described Trump without makeup as
• 1:03
  looking like an open can of spam. Which seems
• 1:06
  harsh, although given Dolly Parton's advice that
• 1:09
  the presidential race needs more boobs, perhaps
• 1:11
  Trump really has been taking her political advice
• 1:13
  after all, because medical reports suggest he
• 1:16
  has gained at least 20 pounds. Dolly sadly passed
• 1:19
  away, yet Trump got fatter. And somehow, these
• 1:23
  are all connected. It's time for Breaking Absurdity.
• 1:28
  Everything you didn't know you needed to know
• 1:29
  today, but wish you hadn't. Ads help keep the
• 1:32
  lights on here at It's Not Satire. But if ads
• 1:35
  give you the ick, let me help you with that.
• 1:37
  If you want all the absurdity without the ads,
• 1:39
  subscribe to my sub stack and look for the ad
• 1:41
  -free podcast option. The link is in the show
• 1:43
  notes. Now let's get into the absurdity. Let's
• 1:47
  start with Dolly because if you're wondering
• 1:49
  what the woman who famously avoided political
• 1:51
  endorsements actually had to say about Donald
• 1:54
  Trump It turns out she had a few thoughts Trump
• 1:57
  qualified Oh, I don't know. I'm not getting into
• 2:00
  politics. You know me better than that. I've
• 2:03
  been thinking about running myself. Dolly has
• 2:05
  always expertly neutralized any attempts to extract
• 2:08
  a political opinion. But ahead of the 2016 election,
• 2:12
  she came surprisingly close to telling us exactly
• 2:14
  who she wanted in the White House. But I think
• 2:16
  Hillary would make it. I mean, I don't think
• 2:18
  it matters if you're a man or a woman if you
• 2:19
  know your business. I've kind of proved that
• 2:22
  in show business. But I think if you're qualified
• 2:25
  and you know, I think it would be wonderful to
• 2:27
  have a wonderful president if she's qualified
• 2:29
  to do the job." She offered a very Dolly Parton
• 2:32
  way of describing what the next president would
• 2:34
  have to deal with. And then Dolly briefly entertained
• 2:48
  the idea of running herself while making what
• 2:51
  may have been a very Dolly -esque observation
• 2:53
  about Donald Trump's hair. Because I know I got
• 2:55
  the hair for it. You know me, I don't get into
• 2:58
  political things. I just hope and pray that we
• 3:00
  get somebody wonderful. Dolly Parton absolutely
• 3:04
  refusing to get political for approximately four
• 3:06
  minutes. Before we get into the Trump part of
• 3:09
  his story, I actually want to give Donald Trump
• 3:10
  some credit. His initial response to Dolly Parton's
• 3:13
  death was surprisingly dignified. He described
• 3:16
  her as one of the greatest country singers ever,
• 3:18
  said her death was a true loss, and ordered American
• 3:21
  flags to be lowered to half -staff for a week.
• 3:22
  For once, Trump managed to make a public statement
• 3:25
  about someone else without making it primarily
• 3:27
  about himself. That lasted approximately one
• 3:30
  day, because today Trump appeared on Glenn Beck's
• 3:33
  show and While talking about Dolly, it managed
• 3:35
  to insert a rather important piece of information.
• 3:38
  Dolly really liked him. We all knew her so well.
• 3:42
  I knew a little bit. She wasn't a very political
• 3:44
  person. She really liked me. I will tell you.
• 3:47
  But she also wanted to stay very, you know, she
• 3:51
  was of the opinion, you know, the 50 percent
• 3:53
  who needs to lose. I don't think it's 50. I think
• 3:55
  it's probably 20 percent of the fans. OK, not
• 3:58
  50. Trump said he knew Dolly a little bit. that
• 4:01
  she wasn't very political and then added, she
• 4:03
  really liked me. Now there is absolutely nothing
• 4:05
  wrong with Dolly liking Trump personally, but
• 4:08
  Dolly spent decades being extremely careful not
• 4:11
  to endorse politicians precisely because she
• 4:13
  wanted her music and philanthropy to reach everyone.
• 4:16
  She even declined the Presidential Medal of Freedom
• 4:19
  for both Trump and Joe Biden. So Trump appears
• 4:22
  to have taken Dolly's lifelong refusal to endorse
• 4:25
  politicians and interpreted it as Dolly really
• 4:28
  liked me, which is certainly one way to respect
• 4:31
  someone's political neutrality. And while we're
• 4:33
  discussing Trump's appearance, we have another
• 4:35
  important development. Anthony Scaramucci has
• 4:38
  apparently decided that the American public deserves
• 4:41
  to know what happens before Donald Trump emerges
• 4:44
  from his makeup chair. Except there apparently
• 4:46
  isn't a makeup chair. There's a supply shop in
• 4:49
  the Bronx. an open can of spam without makeup.
• 4:54
  That's what Anthony Scaramucci says about Donald
• 4:57
  Trump's makeup routine, and honestly I have several
• 4:59
  questions. Scaramucci says it's like an orange
• 5:02
  bronzer he buys from a supply shop in the Bronx.
• 5:05
  Apparently Trump puts it on himself every morning,
• 5:08
  sometimes he re -applies it at night, and according
• 5:10
  to Scaramucci, he thinks it looks fantastic,
• 5:13
  which is probably the most important part of
• 5:15
  the story. Because Trump apparently looks in
• 5:17
  the mirror every morning and thinks, Nailed it!
• 5:20
  But here's where it gets weirder. Scaramucci
• 5:22
  says Trump gets his orange bronzer from a supply
• 5:25
  shop in the Bronx. A supply shop? Apparently
• 5:28
  the president of the United States isn't getting
• 5:30
  some bespoke presidential makeup formula from
• 5:32
  a celebrity makeup artist. He's just popping
• 5:34
  into the Bronx for some bronzer. Although to
• 5:37
  confuse matters more, apparently it's made by
• 5:39
  a Swiss company called Bronx Colors. So I'm not
• 5:42
  entirely sure whether Trump is getting his makeup
• 5:44
  from the Bronx, Switzerland, or some highly classified
• 5:47
  international orange makeup supply chain. But
• 5:50
  I do know this, according to Scaramucci, without
• 5:52
  it Trump looks like an open can of spam. And
• 5:55
  suddenly I understand why he does his own makeup.
• 5:59
  So apparently Trump applies his own makeup, which
• 6:01
  raises a question I've been asking myself since
• 6:04
  I heard this. Why? This is the president of the
• 6:07
  United States. You would think somewhere in the
• 6:09
  federal government there would be a person whose
• 6:11
  entire job was make sure the president doesn't
• 6:13
  look like a traffic cone, but apparently not.
• 6:17
  According to Scaramucci, Trump does it himself.
• 6:19
  And we've actually heard versions of this before.
• 6:22
  Chris Christie once described Trump showing him
• 6:24
  his makeup routine aboard a private jet. We were
• 6:27
  campaigning together prior to Super Tuesday and
• 6:30
  he has a bedroom in the airplane. And he retreated
• 6:34
  to the bedroom when we were about 15 or 20 minutes
• 6:36
  out from landing. And I heard him yell, Chris,
• 6:39
  come here. So, okay, I walk back to the bedroom
• 6:42
  and he is putting makeup on himself. He does
• 6:45
  his own makeup. You might be shocked to learn.
• 6:47
  Did not know that. He's doing his makeup and
• 6:50
  he says to me, come here. That's what he goes.
• 6:53
  You need a little makeup. And I said, yeah, no,
• 6:55
  I'll pass. And he said, no, no, no. He goes,
• 6:58
  you look tired. You got circles under your eyes.
• 7:00
  You need me to give you a little bit of makeup.
• 7:02
  And he's got like the powder puff and he's ready
• 7:05
  to go. And I'm like, seriously, you are not putting
• 7:08
  makeup on me. I'm drawing the line there. No
• 7:11
  chance. So this isn't entirely new information.
• 7:14
  Trump apparently has been personally responsible
• 7:16
  for the orange situation for years. And we now
• 7:19
  know the possible supply chain. We've got Bronx
• 7:22
  branded bronzer from Switzerland bought in the
• 7:25
  Bronx that keeps the president from looking like
• 7:28
  an open can of spam. This is the type of investigative
• 7:31
  journalism I was born for. There's another detail
• 7:34
  from the Dolly interview that I think deserves
• 7:36
  some additional attention. Dolly said the presidential
• 7:39
  race needed a few more boobs. And we could use
• 7:43
  a few more boobs in the race, don't you think?
• 7:47
  Now obviously Dolly was joking, but Donald Trump
• 7:50
  has apparently decided to take Dolly's political
• 7:52
  advice very seriously. Because Trump has gained
• 7:55
  around 20 pounds since his last presidential
• 7:57
  campaign, according to the reporting based on
• 8:00
  his disclosed medical records and other information,
• 8:03
  his weight was listed at 238 pounds in May compared
• 8:06
  with 215 pounds in 2023. So Dolly asked for more
• 8:11
  boobs in the race. Maybe Dolly will get her wish.
• 8:14
  Posthumously, of course, that all depends on
• 8:17
  where Trump gained the extra 20 pounds. But based
• 8:20
  on this clip of Trump's backside, I'm guessing
• 8:22
  the weight didn't land up top. And finally, in
• 8:26
  our recurring Australian segment today, we had
• 8:28
  to include Dali again. Because it turns out the
• 8:31
  Australian Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese,
• 8:34
  has his own Dali part in story. And unlike most
• 8:37
  stories involving Australian politicians, this
• 8:40
  one is actually pretty wholesome. Back in 2011,
• 8:43
  Albanese was the Federal Transport Minister.
• 8:46
  Dolly was bringing her tour to Australia. There
• 8:48
  was just one problem. Her tour bus was enormous.
• 8:51
  Actually, enormous is probably underselling it.
• 8:54
  Dolly's custom luxury bus was around 14 .5 meters
• 8:57
  long and exceeded Australian road regulations.
• 9:00
  Authorities were threatening to prevent it from
• 9:02
  traveling between cities, putting the entire
• 9:04
  tour at risk. There were reportedly more than
• 9:07
  100 ,000 tickets sold across 12 shows. And Dolly
• 9:10
  does not particularly enjoy flying. So essentially,
• 9:13
  Australia had a choice. Follow the rules or let
• 9:16
  Dolly Parton come to town. Albanese chose Dolly.
• 9:20
  He intervened as transport minister and helped
• 9:23
  get the necessary approval so the tour could
• 9:25
  proceed. He later recalled that Dolly's bus was
• 9:28
  longer and wider than Australian regulations
• 9:29
  allowed and joked that he had to have a look
• 9:31
  inside because it was a bit more than a bus.
• 9:34
  And Dolly apparently thanked him personally.
• 9:36
  So while Donald Trump is currently trying to
• 9:38
  establish whether Dolly Parton secretly liked
• 9:40
  him, Anthony Albanese can legitimately say, I
• 9:43
  saved Dolly Parton's tour, which may be the most
• 9:46
  Australian political flex I've ever heard. He
• 9:49
  didn't get an endorsement. or a campaign song,
• 9:51
  he just looked at a 14 .5 meter American tour
• 9:54
  bus and said, yeah nah, let Dolly through. And
• 9:57
  honestly, that's probably the most Dolly Parton
• 9:59
  political story imaginable. And there you have
• 10:03
  it, another day of breaking absurdity, your daily
• 10:06
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• 10:17
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• 10:19
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• 10:21
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• 10:23
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