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Note 80: You Teach People How to Love You by How You Love Yourself · Notes to Her

• 0:13
  Yaya: Hey, girl. Hey. Welcome back to Notes Her, the daily pep talk. I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach, here to help you stop waiting on other people to treat you the way that you don't even treat yourself. Have you ever listened to a friend describe what she puts up with in her relationship and thought, I would never allow that.
• 0:31
  Then you go home and canceled on yourself for the fourth time that week. Yep, I see you and I'm saying this with love. Many of us carry a loud standard for how people should treat us and a quiet standard for how we treat ourselves. And the people closest to us tend to listen to the quiet one. So today's no, it's gonna call you out a little bit.
• 0:54
  And I'm doing it because I would rather you hear from me in a gentle voice, then learn it the hard way in another relationship that ends up exactly like the last one. So settle in because the way that you treat yourself is the first lesson anybody gets about how to treat you. So people pay attention to how you treat yourself long before they pay attention to what you say you want. Picture a first date, you told your friends beforehand that this time you were going to have standards. Then he asks you where you wanna eat and you say you don't care, whatever he likes.
• 1:35
  You order the second thing on the menu that sounded good because the first one felt like it was just too much. And he shows up forty minutes late and you laugh it off and say, oh, it's okay, traffic happens. By the way, I am cringing just saying these things, but I want you to know what your date hears when you do these very things. He heard no mention of standards that night. He watched you shrug, apologize, and laugh, and he took notes on what you will accept.
• 2:04
  This goes well beyond dating too. Look at your last week, count how many times you moved on past your own plans so that somebody else's could stay put. Count how many times you said, I'm fine with whatever, when you had a preference you were embarrassed to say out loud. Count the times you skipped lunch, stayed up late finishing something with somebody else, or answered a text at midnight because you didn't want anyone else to feel ignored. Then think about the way that you talk to yourself when you make a mistake.
• 2:35
  Maybe you called yourself stupid for forgetting a name, maybe you replayed a text you sent and so you decided that you were just too much. The person sitting across from you can't hear that voice, but they can see what it has done to you. It shows up in the way that you ask for things, with an apology in front and an exit built in, and how fast you take a need back once it makes somebody uncomfortable. You are the first example anyone gets of how you expect to be treated. They watch what you do with your time, your body, your needs and your mistakes, and they follow your lead.
• 3:15
  Most people go by what they see, so if you always say yes, never say what you want and let things slide, they assume that's how you like it and they're going to keep treating you that way. A lot of them never realize that anything is wrong because you never gave them a reason to. Now the good news is that it works in the other direction too. Once you start showing them something different, most people will adjust. So you don't sit down one day and just decide that your needs come second.
• 3:43
  You've picked it up from somewhere much like a lot of other bad habits we have. Maybe you were the helper kid, the one who got praised for being easy, so you learned early that love shows up when you're useful and gets quiet when you're not. Maybe you watch the little morale you give and give and rarely ask, and you step away the idea that a good woman keeps herself at the bottom of the list. Maybe you asked for something once in a relationship and the reaction was so cold and so loud that you decided silence was safer. So you got good at it.
• 4:19
  You became the friend who remembers everyone else's birthday and the partner who remembers his mother's surgery date, but you forget your own dentist appointment for a year and a half. People start calling you low maintenance and you took it as a compliment because for a long time it was the only kind of praise that you got for being you. The low maintenance often describes a woman who stopped mentioning what she needs. So I see this a lot on social media when people talk about dating or they mention dating profiles. Oftentimes, a man will say that he wants a low maintenance woman because he wants one that's easygoing, that's not gonna, you know, push back on a lot of things.
• 4:57
  A people pleaser who doesn't speak up about the things that she wants, and so it irritates me when I see that. But the part here that matters the most is that you have built a whole system out of this. In your system, love is something that you earn through effort. You show love by doing, planning, fixing, remembering, adjusting, absorbing. And since love is something that you earn, receiving it without working feels suspicious.
• 5:24
  Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable it gets when someone does something kind for you and asks nothing back? You start scanning for the catch. You start thinking about how you can repay it right now before the feeling of owing them gets too heavy. That discomfort shows how you've learned to see love. You can't relax inside of something, you believe you're gonna have to pay for it at some point.
• 5:46
  So I wanna look at what happens inside a relationship when you give love by over giving. You pour into him, you remember the details, you plan the weekends, you notice his mood before he does and adjust yourself around it. You tell yourself that you're being generous and you are because there's real love in it. Meanwhile, a quiet tally has started in the background. Now you don't call it a tally, but you can feel it every time you do the dishes while he watches the game.
• 6:16
  Or when you play his birthday dinner and your own birthday gets a text at lunchtime. You're waiting for him to notice, you're waiting for him to give back what you have been giving without you ever having to ask it, because asking would make it count less. You taught him that you don't need anything, and now you're hurt that he hasn't figured out what you need. However, you never told him that a test was coming. He met the woman you presented, who was easygoing, flexible, and fine with whatever, and he treated her that way.
• 6:49
  Later, the real woman shows up with real needs. It feels to him like a change in a deal, and maybe even that you have changed. You did change because you finally started telling the truth. Some of the resentment you carry belongs in a different pile. Part of it comes from him and part of it comes from the years that you have spent hiding what you wanted so that no one could say no to you.
• 7:13
  Silence protected you from hearing no and it also made sure that you never got a yes. Now treating yourself as an afterthought costs more than a few missed lunches. It runs up a bill in a lot of places all at once. You start to lose track of what you want. After years of answering, what do you wanna do with, I don't mind, you start to mean it.
• 7:38
  Ask yourself on a free Saturday, what sounds good? And you may draw a blank because the muscle you use to find your own preferences has been just sitting in a drawer. You pick up resentment that you can't explain. You love him, you want to be generous. And you also feel a low of irritation every time he asks for something small.
• 8:00
  It leaves you confused because the resentment seems bigger than the request. The resentment is attached to a long line of requests where you have said yes, while you and your own wants and needs have sat unspoken in the back. You start to attract people who are comfortable with the arrangement. Someone who needs a woman who will bend will find you because you're easy to find. Someone who wants an equal partner who would love to hear what you want and give it to you, makes sense that you won't ask and drift off thinking you're not interested.
• 8:34
  And you lose sense of what good treatment feels like. Someone consistent who texts back, who shows up on time and asks what you need, can feel flat or awkward, maybe even suspicious, because you were used to working for scraps, so a full plate looks like a trap. Now, that last one is really worth sitting with. Ask yourself whether you have ever walked away from somebody kind because the relationship felt too calm or too boring to be real. So the title of this note can be heard the wrong way and I really wanna be specific about who owns what.
• 9:13
  If somebody lied to you, cheated on you, belittled you or took advantage of your softness, that behavior belongs to them. You did not teach them how to do it. A person who respects you doesn't need you to hold a seminar on how to do it. Plenty of women who've respected themselves a great deal have still been treated poorly by somebody who made the choice. The choice carries their name on it, not yours.
• 9:38
  Your part is actually what you do with the information. You can't control what he does, you can control what you stay for, what you ask for, and how long you wait for the answer. That is where your power sits, and it is bigger than you've ever been told. The starting point is gentler than most people expect. You treat yourself like a person you are responsible for.
• 10:03
  The way that you would treat a friend who came to you and said that she was exhausted, hadn't eaten, and had been apologizing all day for taking up space. You wouldn't tell your friend to be less needy, you would pull up a chair and ask her what she needs. And that woman in the chair is you and she has been waiting a while. Now a note about self respect that leaves you with nothing to do on a Monday is not much help. So I'm gonna give you three small moves that you can do this week.
• 10:33
  Now they might look tiny on paper, but they change how people respond to you, I promise. So the first one, I want you to keep a promise to yourself. Pick something small and specific like a 20 walk after work, lunch away from your desk, or being in bed by ten on a Wednesday. Put it on your calendar the way that you would for a meeting with a client. And when something comes up, treat it with the same weight.
• 11:00
  Every time you keep a promise to yourself, you give your own mind evidence that you are someone worth showing up for. Second, say your preference out loud before anyone asks. You can keep this thing slow. Tell the person you're dating or your best friend, I'd love to tie tonight, and leave it there without an apology or an unless you'd rather something else. You're practicing the sound of your own voice taking up space, and you're teaching the people around you that you have a menu.
• 11:36
  Third, catch the apology, please. This week, I want you to notice every time you say, sorry to bother you. Sorry, this is probably a dumb question. Sorry, I know I'm being a lot. And swap it with thank you.
• 11:53
  Thank you for waiting sends a different message than sorry, I'm slow. And it tells the room that you respect your own time. Now you may notice something interesting while you're doing this. Some people in your life will adjust right away and say something like, I love that you told me. Others will go quiet or get irritated, or tell you that you have been different lately.
• 12:18
  I want you to watch both groups. People who care about you will adapt to you, and the people who rely on your silence will let you know how much they relied on it. Some of you can do this work on your own with a calendar or with a little courage. Now others who have been running this pattern for twenty years, no judgment by the way, in every relationship and in every job, and need someone beside them while they change it. And that's the reason why I built the confidently her method.
• 12:49
  It's a sixteen week program, one on one with me, where we work on how you speak, how you ask, how you decide, and what you stay for. Using real situations that show up in your life right now. So if you hear yourself in this know, and want that kind of support, the details are in the show notes, and you're welcome to reach out and ask me any questions about it. Now I want you to take a deep breath and think about one relationship in your life right now. Romantic if you have one, and if not, a friendship or a family relationship will work as well.
• 13:26
  Think about the last time you wanted something from that person and you didn't say it, and about the reason that you gave for staying quiet. Now think about how you talked to yourself afterward. Was it kind? Would you talk that way to a friend who came to you with the same situation? If a friend of yours treated herself the way that you treat yourself, would you be okay with it?
• 13:52
  Picture the way that you want to be loved in that relationship. Maybe it sounds like somebody remembering what you told them, or someone asking before they assume, or someone showing up on the day that they said they would. Now ask yourself the question that matters the most. Are you offering that to yourself? You don't have to answer it out loud, just notice what comes up.
• 14:20
  And if this note stung a little bit, I am not sorry because I'm on your side and I think you can take it. The woman that you're becoming doesn't wait for someone else to notice her needs. She states them, she keeps a promise to herself and she lets people show her who are willing to meet her there. Some of them will, some of them will be glad to, and some of them won't. And you'll get the information you need much faster than you would have had you stay quiet.
• 14:54
  Because you teach people how to love you by how you love yourself. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss the next note where we're gonna talk about the compliment that you keep deflecting and what's really behind though. Oh, stop. It was nothing.