Latest / All The Light She Found / Why is Change So Hard When I Want it So Bad?
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello, friends. I'm so glad you're here and thank you for joining me. I'm Kelly McGurk, your host of All the Light She Found. Well, for this week, I came up with something while at my doctor's office. I went to see a primary care that I have not seen in literally like 10 years because insurance changed or whatever, maybe even longer, seriously, but it's been a long time. And he was like, my goodness, like you look so good. You look younger than when I saw you last. Like obviously you've changed a lot of things about your life. Like that's so wonderful. And we kind of we had this great kind of catch up and talked about, you know, what life kind of looked like. He knew that my husband had passed because my son in law and daughter go to him and So we talked a minute about that and then about, you know, how that precipitated so much of what's happened in my life. And so we had this great conversation. And he said, I said, you know, the only, only regret I have is literally like, why didn't I do this for myself before? Like, you know, why, why didn't I do this like 10 years ago when you knew me? And this is like I love this conversation. I love it with everyone. I do it with my clients and it's talking about what in the world makes people change. And so my doctor was like, you know, I learned a long time ago, people only do what they want to do when they feel like doing it. It doesn't matter how you coach them. what scary things could be coming down the road for them health wise. You know, he's speaking purely medical, obviously. and that people just don't make changes. And so he's like, I just I had to accept a long time ago that I can give them information, but they have to want to take it. And I was like, well, of course. Like I was thinking about, you know, in my own office and of course my own life. My gosh, let's just talk about myself for a second. But Yeah, I was thinking about in my office how many times, you know, we circle around the things that you're not happy with and yet we don't do anything about it. And it's so frustrating because typically the things that you want to change the most that you don't do anything about take up so much space in your brain. You know, like when you think about it. Like when you're just when you're thinking about something in your life that you You know, that you'd like to do differently. Maybe, you know, you wanna you wanna move your body more, or maybe you wanna drink less alcohol, maybe you need to leave a bad relationship or a bad friendship, or stop spending money like you do if you wanna save. And, you know, maybe you need to set boundaries with people you love or make the appointment for the doctor, or you wanna leave a job that's miserable. and yet we don't do action. To move towards that. But it does take up so much space. Like, think about times in your life when you've been unhappy with your weight or with your marriage or with your job or with your habits. And you're like, I just wish I would do this. I wish I could do this. I wish I would change this. You know, and it takes up a lot of space. And I shared like an episode one or two, talking about how much information. that I took in around, you know, health and wellness over the years, whether it be through social media or through books, self-help stuff, you know, changing habits, just so many books and so many podcasts and so many, you know, reels that you just that are supposed to be quote, motivating and you have so much information. Like I could almost teach a class on health of women's bodies You know, and you're like, okay, but I didn't implement any of it. And I saw this reel once that said, you've consumed enough now, act on it. And I was like, my God, that is like so real. Because I can tell you for my own life, I've spent, you know, so much time taking in information. and being in the field that I'm in, you know, ever since I was in my twenties, I'm reading self-help books to better, you know, understand myself, but also to help others. And so that's just been a part of my life since day one of adulthood, basically, is learning human behavior and learning how people tick and learning why people stay stuck, and then yet stay stuck myself in certain areas. And it's kind of like funny, but When I look back, you know, I think about why didn't I make some of these changes before? Cause it's it surely was not because it was a lack of wanting to, thinking about it, planning it, organizing it. I mean, my word, if I could tell you, the time spent thinking about weight or fitness or you know, healthy. Eating or moving more, the time and no action behind them. and then now just living that lifestyle much more in line with what I'd like. I'm definitely not on any kind of perfect zone, that's for sure. But you know, definitely more in line with what I wanted all of that time. And so you talk to yourself about what happened, like why didn't I? And why do we change when we do change? Like, was thinking that we can tell people, or people can tell us what would help them over and over, but change doesn't come typically. Now, some people have some amazing ability for self-discipline, but if you look at your average person, change doesn't come until you're miserable enough. Like you may know that your marriage sucks. Or a relationship sucks, but you're too scared. or life just isn't convenient to do that. Or you can know that your health is not in its best and you could do so much more to change it, and you're, you know, too lazy. You know, lazy is a hard word, but I guess lack of motivation, you know, it's easier to stay comfortable and do what we enjoy rather than do things that are uncomfortable. I mean, let's be honest. There's this thing that I used to teach all the time with addiction. And it's called the stages of change. And and there's four stages of change. And so there's pre-contemplation, which is nobody's even it's not even on our radar. Like it's not even something that we're even spending airtime on. Okay. And then there's contemplation. And that's the stage where we say, hmm, this might not be working for me. Like I Don't think that I want to live like this anymore. And then there's preparation. And it's kind of in preparation what we're doing is we're at least thinking I'm actually going to do something. Okay. You're you're gathering information, you're getting tools, you're you're making plans, you're doing things to set yourself up to go in that direction. And then there's action, and actions when we're Actually doing the thing, okay. Whatever it is. You're leaving the relationship, you're working out at the gym, you're eating healthy, you're drinking less, whatever your action is, okay? And then then there's maintenance. And maintenance is tricky because maintenance is where you figure out how it becomes a part of your life instead of just a temporary fix. Like, how do I maintain what I've done? To make my life better? How do I maintain that? How do I keep from getting in a similar relationship? How do I keep my body, you know, moving and strong? whatever you want to change in your life? You know, it's just how do I keep doing it? and one thing about stages of change, it's super important for people to understand is that it doesn't go linear, you don't go from one to the other and you won, okay? You can move backward. You can go sideways, you can circle around it, you can reconsider it. I mean, it's just not something easy. Like, like grief. Grief doesn't go in one linear movement. It goes all over the place. and it's interesting how much time and energy, not only when you think about it, you guys, not only us trying to do that with ourselves and all of the time that we spend thinking about how I want to quit smoking or, you know, whatever it is. And it's so interesting the amount of time, but also how we do this for other people. Think about like people you love, your kids, your significant significant other. think about how much we love to share with people what can make their life better. You know, you need to leave him or her, or you need to stop drinking, or, you know, you need to go to the doctor and take care of yourself, or you know, you need therapy, or you've got to let your mother stop doing this to you. Right. Like so there's all this advice. And we're standing over here in action for somebody else's life while they're barely in contemplation. Like, think about it. We're over here ready to get a plan going. We got these people going, and they're not even like in the part where they've decided this is a problem yet. So it makes everybody frustrated, you know? And I think in all true honesty, when we love people, sometimes we think if we just explain it better or love them harder or scare them enough or give them the perfect podcast or send them the perfect article, they'll change. But think about your own life. Does that make you change reading the perfect article or listening to the perfect podcast? Those things feed you great information to start thinking about what's next for you. Okay. But I think. We need to look at like stop using I knew better as evidence against ourselves. You know, like when I changed my life and I looked back and I was kind of sad, like, man, I wish I would have done this 10 years ago. I knew better doesn't change that I didn't act differently. And I think that's an important thing for us to know as human beings. We have to get really uncomfortable for us to literally want to make an effort to come out of our comfort zone, whatever that is, where we feel like we know to the unknown. Knowing isn't readiness. So when we try to tell others that we love or we know, it doesn't mean that that's readiness for change. And it's really important, especially when we're talking about getting frustrated with ourselves, like I didn't go to the gym again today, or I I drank too many drinks again today, or you know, I let this person yell at me again today, or I didn't look for a job again today. That is just self-defeating because what we're doing is we're putting shame on ourselves, and when you think about it, sometimes we do that to other people we love too. Like we want to be helpful, we want them to have the information to do better. But just like with us, we have to be ready for that. We have to be ready, and that we can't value judge. ourselves or others when we're not quite ready. Because that's just wasting negative energy on ourselves or others. We beat the crap out of ourselves, wondering why we didn't do something sooner. When you finally leave that bad relationship and you're why didn't I do that 10 years ago? When you finally leave a job that's super toxic and you're like why did I wait so long? You gotta understand knowing something intellectually and becoming ready to live differently are two totally different experiences. The question isn't, you guys, why didn't I change sooner? Maybe the question is what finally became true enough for me that I could? And that's something that, you know, I've thought about in my life. Like what finally for me became true enough that I could. And sadly, for me, it was watching someone I love die from not making good choices, from living in the moment. And you know, Mike would be the first one to tell you that he had a great, huge, beautiful life that he didn't have regrets. but For me, watching that and taking care of that and seeing him leave the earth way too soon, in my opinion, that's what motivated me to make choices that were better for me emotionally, physically. know, just like, hey, this is a wake up call for me, because I just watched it in real time. Told myself two billion times what I needed to do, and I never did it. It was when emotionally I was connected to my aha, you know, when I was like, my gosh. And that was mine. It doesn't mean someone has to die, for goodness sakes, for you to make a change. But I do know that the people in my offices want change because they've become miserable enough. And that is when change happens. So how do we connect dots before we're totally miserable? Right? Like how does that happen? you know, wondering what makes us ready is different for all of us. Is it pain? Is it hope? Is it exhaustion? Is it enough evidence? Is it feeling safe enough? Is it finally just wanting the new thing more than we want the familiar thing? I mean, these are the things we've got to ask ourselves. I think why now is a question that maybe only you can answer. But it's not something we can answer for the people we love. Okay. It needs to be our own journey and they have to have their own journey. And it doesn't mean we can't share a great podcast or a great article. Okay. But we can't share those things with an attachment to it that they're going to make action behind it. Like. Those are two different things. I want to share something with you because I think it will benefit you. That's a beautiful supportive action. If you don't do something about it, I'm gonna resent you. That's where you have attachment to what you're doing. So I think like the whole point of this episode is like what creates an environment that allows us to change personally. And not to push change on others because that has to be their personal journey as well. And I learned that you guys with Mike, like poor Mike, good God. If I if the amount, the amount of quote, support, supportive coaching and supportive conversations about taking care of himself and about the way he didn't take care of himself. didn't change anything. It just frustrated me, you know, because somehow in those conversations, I made it about me. You know, like if you cared about me, you would do this because this makes our life hard, and really that was a very personal journey for him. And just like mine was for me. And so I hope today that when you think about all of these things, it's just, you know, loving. Doesn't mean not giving information or coaching or support, but it does mean we do it without strings attached of expectations of results or action. because those are two different things. Now, if we're talking about relationship things, like, hey, I don't like it when you do the following, and it would benefit me if you could look at changing the following. That's different than saying, hey, I don't like the way you're eating. I don't like the way you're not taking care of yourself, or I think you're drinking too much. Or, you know, those are things that are like supportive, but they have to come with this will be their journey. but yeah, it's so interesting about how humans work that so much of change comes from reaction to something instead of proactivity, instead of being like, I want to do this because this would benefit me, not. my God, I gotta do this because I got horrible blood tests, or because it's so toxic. I'm crying all the way home from to my house or from work, you know. I mean, those are levels that we allow ourselves to get to. And you're like, what in the world? How'd I get here? You know? So it's just good, good food for thought, good things to to think about and and just kind of ponder on. And I just thought it was interesting because I talked to the doctor and I was like, my God. That is so true. People change when it's miserable enough, or the feeling connects with them. Not information, but a feeling connects. that actually says, you know what, today is the day. Like today is the day I do something different. And you don't have to be miserable, you know? You can just make today the day. You can just decide for you that, you know, I just don't like this. And I'm gonna do it this way instead. Or I'm gonna try something different instead. And so I hope this was somewhat beneficial to you of a conversation, just some kind of things to to think about in your own life, some things that you've been spending a lot of airtime in your head and giving so much energy to without having action around it. And you know, like, do we want to stop thinking about it because we're not ready to give it action? Or do we want to, you know, write it down and say this is something I hope in the next six months or a year that I shift on and then give your brain something else to think about? But I think the the cycle of shame and disappointment and self degrading verbiage. Is the part that we should probably try to pull out and say, okay, I'm not ready yet and be okay with that. Instead of the why didn't I do this again today? Why didn't I do this again today? Why didn't I do this again today? You know what? Maybe I'm just not ready yet. And if I'm not ready, that's okay. And when we're ready, we'll be there. So this week, guys, I hope for you that you find little glimmers of light and joy in places that you least expect. And I am so grateful that you spent some time with me today and just want you to have a great day. This is Kelly and all the light she found.