Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Children Don’t Just Hear Arguments, They Feel Them

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Children Don’t Just Hear Arguments, They Feel Them · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to move more into the world of the child's experience of parental conflict.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And in this episode, the silent casualties of parental conflict is really about what children absorb when adults essentially at war.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: When parents separate in conflict, the focus often falls on the adults, who said what, who did what, who is right and who is wrong.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm going to talk about the silent casualties, the children.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because children don't really have a voice.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: They can't influence the situation.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And because the power balance is such that children are not given necessarily the kind of credibility they deserve in terms of what they're experiencing, they end up i internalizing the conflict in ways that can be highly destructive.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Children don't have legal representation in the emotional sense.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Children do not get to step outside of the system.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Children whose distress often shows up indirectly, quietly, almost later.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Children don't experience conflict the way adults do.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Adults experience conflict cognitively.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Children experience it relationally and physiologically.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: They don't just hear arguments, they feel them.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: They register tone of voice, tension in the room, emotional withdrawal, sudden shifts in mood and unspoken hostility.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now I've spoken before about a child not being equipped to use or utilize common sense, and I talk instead about uncommon sense.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And by this I mean the sense that the child makes of these experiences.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, and oftentimes, this is a felt sense, not a thought sense.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And a felt sense is based upon the experience of the emotional environment.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And those experiences form neurological patterns which the central nervous system activates.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's my voice, or I'll make things worse if I speak.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's because of what I am and what I do.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So even when parents believe they are shielding their children, conflict has a way of leaking through.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Children live inside the emotional atmospheres of the family.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the most overlooked realities of parental conflict is the emotional work children begin to do.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: They may monitor each parent's mood, and that can be a form of hyper-vigilance.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: They watch and they interpret what they see, hear, and feel.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: They might edit what they say and sometimes hold back information.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: They may try and soften their feelings, and they become hyper-attuned to emotional danger.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't maturity, this is adaptation.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: The children aren't learning how to express themselves, they're learning how to survive the emotional environment.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most damaging aspects of parental conflict is the loyalty bind.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And children will very often feel, and sometimes, they will say in the consulting room that loving one parent betrays the other, or expressing joy risks hurting someone, or that telling the truth may cause harm.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So they split themselves.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: They may present differently in each household, suppress parts of themselves, and align emotionally where it feels safest.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this internal splitting is rarely visible, but it is deeply costly.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: In high conflict families, children are often pulled subtly or overtly into adult emotional roles.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: They may become the confidant, the messenger, the emotional regulator, the peacemaker or the protector.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you see this in young children.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's not obvious, and sometimes it is.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But when a child begins to feel responsible for the emotions of adults, their own emotional development is significantly compromised.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the clearest markers of emotional harm.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Children rarely say, I am overwhelmed by parental conflicts.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, they show it.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And they show it through anxiety, withdrawal, anger, sleep disturbance, regression, school difficulties, and emotional shutdowns.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And too often the focus shifts to managing the behavior rather than asking what is the child carrying.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Children sometimes become labeled as difficult, oppositional, or resistant when in fact they're responding to an environment that feels unsafe.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I see a very good deal of this.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I see people presenting children in a way that says the problem is what they're doing.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I am almost always going to say the problem that you have described, whilst it is a problem, is actually a communication of something else.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: What might that be?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now some children don't act out at all.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Some comply, they seemingly cope, they perform well, they appear fine.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But these children are often the most invisible casualties because silence is frequently mistaken for resilience.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me a bit of when I hear parents talk about children who or where that where there's been a death in the family.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I ask about the children, and sometimes, less so these days, I hear that they seem fine.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're just going on, and I'm thinking, oh dear, there is something there waiting to emerge.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But why is the child doing that?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's not a choice.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's more like a kind of there's too much emotional activity going on, there isn't room for me.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And they're actually protecting the adults.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So children suppress emotion, they dissociate from distress, which is a kind of dissociation is a kind of internal mechanism where powerful feelings get split off or get put somewhere else.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: They lose access to their own needs and they learn that their feelings dangerous or irrelevant because let's face it, the feelings of grown-ups can be very big.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a smug person, it's not smart to try and express yourself.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So silence isn't the absence of harm, it's often a sign of adaptation to harm.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the long-term impact is unfortunately not good because children who grow up in parental conflict situations are at increased risk of anxiety and depression, which follows a kind of trajectory that isn't particularly attractive, difficulty trusting relationships, problems with managing their own emotional states or emotional regulation.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Often they may have fear of conflict or they may have overinvolvement in it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what we then see is them repeating these familiar relational patterns in adulthood.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're damaged, but because their nervous systems adapted to a world that felt unstable.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'll say that again, not because they are fundamentally damaged, but because their nervous systems adapted to a world that felt unstable.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It has to do with a kind of invisible programming.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And these patterns often make sense when you put them into context.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So what makes conflict particularly, sorry, what makes conflict particularly harmful is not so much about the separation itself, but it's the things like ongoing hostility, inability to de-escalate, emotional unpredictability, being placed in the middle of the situation, and lack of repair.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give a very crude example of this.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that, for those of you who don't know, I have four incredibly horrible dogs, which is a load of nonsense, 11th bit, and they are all Spaniels, and they have been reared from puppyhood to learn that humans are safe.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they get lots of reinforcement of this because all the humans they come into contact with, and two in particular, who I use for my therapeutic work with children, are repeatedly exposed to people who treat them with great kindness and who are emotionally predictable as far as that's possible in the consulting room.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: They are highly attuned dogs.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, their internal expectation is everyone will behave lovingly, no one will shout, no one will lose control, and therefore they are very trusting.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: But just imagine that I allowed them to be with children who are highly chaotic and whose behavior was really unpredictable.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I do have some children like that.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine if I too was somebody who is highly chaotic, whose means of dealing with things when they go wrong was to shout.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my guess would be that they psychoneurologically would learn that the environment isn't predictable and it isn't safe, and they would be hyper alert to anything which indicated that their survival safety was compromised.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, returning to children, children can cope with change, but they struggle with unresolved emotional warfare.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what they need is they don't need parents necessarily to agree on everything, but they need emotional containment, predictability, permission to love both parents, and freedom from adult emotional responsibility and an environment where when things go wrong, they get fixed.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Even one emotional available adult, one adult who is available to them emotionally can make a significant difference.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, many parents in conflict are not malicious, they're hurt, frightened, defending themselves, trying to survive, but children can't be the place where this pain is worked through.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's wrong.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: The most protective thing a parent can say internally or aloud is this is not my child's burden to carry.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Children caught in parental conflict are rarely heard directly.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: They adapt quietly, they cope invisibly, and they survive relationally, but they pay a cost.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: And when we center children, not as evidence, not as leverage, not of extension as extensions of adult pain, something shifts.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict can de-escalate, repair becomes possible, and children no longer have to be the silent casualties.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to say, as I've said previously, in the consulting room when I have parents in conflict, and the child isn't present, I will make clear to them that their conflict is being internalized by the child who they have who they've asked me to see and help because of the child's behaviors and the concern they have about those.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they will return to that conflict in the consulting room, and I will make very clear that's not what we do here.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: We are here about the child.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And whilst you have your own views, I have to think of the child independently and be curious as to what it is that your child's behavior is telling us and how we can all work together in terms of dealing with what's underneath.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're concerned about how conflict, separation, or core processes may be affecting your child, then specialist therapeutic support can help identify what children might be carrying, how to reduce emotional harm and how to help parents to do some of that work themselves.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And children don't need perfect parents, but they need emotionally responsible ones.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that helps, and what will follow is a series of three episodes to look more specifically at this.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.