Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 138. Friendships 101: How the HELL do I find (AND KEEP) Good friendships?

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138. Friendships 101: How the HELL do I find (AND KEEP) Good friendships? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 2: Every single day. So what have you got for us fabe.
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  Speaker 1: All right, it is a short one, but let's get
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  Speaker 1: into it. Hey, girls, I love listening to the podcast
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  Speaker 1: Help a Girl Out. Any advice to keep good, healthy friendships.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always putting in all the effort
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  Speaker 1: with friendships and I always feel anxious and I feel
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  Speaker 1: not a good positive energy back. I feel like I'm
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  Speaker 1: losing friendships as I'm getting older. I love you, girls.
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  Speaker 2: I think those ones that you mentioned in the end
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  Speaker 2: of like, you're losing friendships. If you are anxious, you're
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  Speaker 2: not getting that reciprocal energy back. It sounds like they're
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  Speaker 2: not meant to be in your life. Because good friendships
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  Speaker 2: require two people to be in a relationship. So true, right,
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  Speaker 2: Like when I think of like Ashley and I and
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  Speaker 2: we are dynamic, we equal give and take. Yeah, we
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  Speaker 2: equally put as equal as much energy, effort, communication, consideration, connection, Right,
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  Speaker 2: it's equal. We meet each other in the middle. And
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  Speaker 2: I think any good relationship or friendship has to have
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  Speaker 2: that where it's I'm in this, you're in and we're
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  Speaker 2: in it together. And if it's not that, then it's
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  Speaker 2: something to look at. So if people are dropping off,
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  Speaker 2: it's probably for a reason, and I know it's easier
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  Speaker 2: so than done. Like I know that doesn't make it
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  Speaker 2: any easier, but there's got to come a point where
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  Speaker 2: you have a conversation with yourself around if it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: feel reciprocal, I don't want to invest in it exactly.
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  Speaker 2: You know, you get to have and you deserve relationships
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  Speaker 2: and people in your life who genuinely care about you.
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  Speaker 1: You put that effort in, They.
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  Speaker 2: Put the effort in. They want to meet you in
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  Speaker 2: the middle. They want to be a part of the
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  Speaker 2: friendship just as much as you do. And when you
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  Speaker 2: meet those people, trust me, you will know.
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  Speaker 1: And in relationships, whether it's intimate family or people you
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  Speaker 1: spend time with friendships, it should be exciting and fun
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  Speaker 1: like it shouldn't ever feel like a chore. If it
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  Speaker 1: felt like a chore and you're feeling like this, it's
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  Speaker 1: definitely not your people. And just a reminder that people
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  Speaker 1: come in and out of your life throughout your whole journey.
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  Speaker 1: Some will stay forever for sure. Like we've spoken before,
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  Speaker 1: we've both got friendships at over twenty years old, and
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  Speaker 1: they're probably pretty solid for the rest of our lives.
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  Speaker 1: Who knows, I don't know. I'm married for seventeen years,
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  Speaker 1: my forever, I hope. So who knows what's gonna happen tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. But as you get older, I think
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  Speaker 1: your circle does get smaller. And I think if you
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  Speaker 1: compare older to when you're in your twenties, I know
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  Speaker 1: for myself, I'm thirty six. When I was in my
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  Speaker 1: early twenties and I had no children, I was friends
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  Speaker 1: with every time, Dick and Harry, I was socializing all
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  Speaker 1: the times. It was fun, it was adventurous, always doing stuff.
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  Speaker 1: It's just not like that these days. I have two children,
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  Speaker 1: I have multiple businesses, and I'm way more careful where
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  Speaker 1: my energy goes. So there has been friends that I
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  Speaker 1: don't feel as aligned with anymore that have We've gone
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  Speaker 1: off to both have kids and run businesses, and we
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  Speaker 1: didn't find the time and space to connect anymore. And
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  Speaker 1: that's happened for a reason and doesn't mean something's bad.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for it all. But it's led me
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  Speaker 1: to more connected, aligned friendships to meet me where I'm
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  Speaker 1: at right now. So if those people are quote unquote
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  Speaker 1: dropping off, it is for a reason. And there's always
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  Speaker 1: things that we can look at within or where we
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  Speaker 1: can clean up our own lane. How do we show
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  Speaker 1: up in the friendship? Like I know, for me, I
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  Speaker 1: definitely showed up with a lot of jealousy and a
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  Speaker 1: lot of anxiousness. And I don't think a lot of
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  Speaker 1: my past friends could hold that. I didn't know how
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  Speaker 1: to hold that, and I should never expect them to.
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  Speaker 1: So now I show up in a different way, and
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  Speaker 1: I communicate how I'm feeling, and I don't project that
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  Speaker 1: onto them, or I just show up in a different
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  Speaker 1: energy that it feels different, wouldn't feel as heavy for
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  Speaker 1: my friendships. But I also have friendships like Tianna that
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  Speaker 1: know how to hold anxiousness because they understand where it
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  Speaker 1: comes from. So don't take it personally and it doesn't
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  Speaker 1: feel too much for them. So you will meet your
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  Speaker 1: right people and you'll know if they're dropping off. Just no,
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  Speaker 1: it's for a reason, and it is so much easier
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  Speaker 1: than done.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, just so beautifully said. Though, yeah, so beautifully said.
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  Speaker 2: And in terms of keeping friendships, when I look at
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  Speaker 2: our friendship, just coming back into the mutual effort and energy,
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  Speaker 2: like when it comes to us, like we do a
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  Speaker 2: lot of like preventative stuff, so like I don't know
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  Speaker 2: how else to say that it is everything that we do.
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  Speaker 2: We are overly communicative, we are overly transparent, so transparent
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  Speaker 2: even from the very moment that we met, there was
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  Speaker 2: no ego like in our dynamic, like we just were like, hey, hey, hey,
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  Speaker 2: here's my last story, and then we just like bounced
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  Speaker 2: off each each other and it was saved from the
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  Speaker 2: moment that we kind of met, which was really beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: And it doesn't always happen that way, but if you do,
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  Speaker 2: you'll feel it. I think in terms of keeping them,
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  Speaker 2: any relationship needs check ins and audits and constant prevention
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  Speaker 2: parden hey whatever us that's right. Think about like a relationship,
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  Speaker 2: like you need constant bids of connection to be able
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  Speaker 2: to stay plugged into your intimate relationship. Friendships are the same,
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  Speaker 2: They need the same amount of intentional effort, right, And
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  Speaker 2: so I think that's been a big part is making
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  Speaker 2: sure that you're always being a good friend as well
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  Speaker 2: as wanting a friend, because I think sometimes we always
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  Speaker 2: get really caught up about wanting to have good people
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  Speaker 2: in our lives, but are we able to clearly one
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  Speaker 2: hundred percent say that we can be that for somebody else?
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  Speaker 1: So beautifully said clean up your own lane.
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  Speaker 2: Because in our dynamic, like when I think about this,
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  Speaker 2: I think I'm never thinking of like myself in this dynamic,
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  Speaker 2: I'm always thinking about like, Okay, how can I shot
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  Speaker 2: up for her, happy and supportive of her? How can
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  Speaker 2: I hold her in this moment? And it kind of
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  Speaker 2: takes the pressure off me of who I need to be,
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  Speaker 2: But it just allows me to be a good friend.
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  Speaker 2: And then I feel like you do the same for me,
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  Speaker 2: and then we meet each other in the middle.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's a similar to Steve and I. That's
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  Speaker 1: the dynamic that it works when two people It's like
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  Speaker 1: I started seeing these quotes aroun when two people are givers,
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  Speaker 1: it creates magic. It really does. If one's just to
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  Speaker 1: take her and one's a giver, there's going to be
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  Speaker 1: resentment built up, and it's never going to feel truly
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  Speaker 1: equal in balance. In balance. And it's not that we're
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  Speaker 1: always fifty to fifty. Sometimes I might be going through
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  Speaker 1: something really hard and Tiana's more eighty and I'm more twenty.
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  Speaker 1: So had Steve and I. He's going through a really
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  Speaker 1: stressful period at the moment he was sick. He's really
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  Speaker 1: fragile at the moment, he's just having a harder season.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm more the seventy percent of like
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  Speaker 1: holding us, holding the family, and trying to lift him
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  Speaker 1: up and be there for him emotionally because I feel
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  Speaker 1: pretty good. It's constant communication. The preventable thing is so
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  Speaker 1: important over transparents. Sometimes we'll be so transparent where I'll
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  Speaker 1: be like, oh, babe, like you don't need to reshow
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  Speaker 1: me on that I trust. I trust you with money,
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  Speaker 1: and you're like, yeah, but I'm preventing any breakdowns in
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  Speaker 1: the future that you know exactly what I've done with
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  Speaker 1: this money. She could spend whatever she wants in our
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  Speaker 1: card and I won't even question it. I won't even look. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I trust her that much. But it's like, no,
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  Speaker 1: I'm preventing this ever happening. To give you any reason
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  Speaker 1: to never not trust me, I'm putting it here.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, there was even something the other night. I think
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  Speaker 2: I said no to you a couple of times and
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  Speaker 2: you were, oh, yeah, there's a couple of things that
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  Speaker 2: you wanted to do. You're like, oh, this and this
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  Speaker 2: and this, and then tomorrow morning, and then I just
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't in a good energy. I was like, well, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I feel very good right now. And I had said no,
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  Speaker 2: and then I was like, I'm just going to reassure home. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: case like she felt, even in the smallest inkling that like
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  Speaker 2: I was pulling away for any reason. Yeah, And she
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  Speaker 2: was like, oh no, baby, you're so fine. I'm like, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: just over communicating. Yeah, And I was like, always say that.
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  Speaker 2: That is so beautiful for you to reassure me. Because
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  Speaker 2: I am an anxious friend. I don't feel like I'm
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  Speaker 2: that anxious anymore. Actually saying that, I.
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  Speaker 1: Know you feel past version of me, but.
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  Speaker 2: I feel when you have secure relationships, you become secure. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: I feel safe and connected and you know that that
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  Speaker 2: person's there and you change attachment style. Yeah, based on
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  Speaker 2: that who you're with.
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  Speaker 1: When I say I'm anxious, it doesn't feel congruent anymore.
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  Speaker 1: That's cool.
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  Speaker 2: That's very kind like that.
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  Speaker 1: Anyways, when you send that message, I was like, Wow,
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  Speaker 1: that's really nice of you to reassure me. And I
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  Speaker 1: was like, oh, good babe, take care of you like
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  Speaker 1: you were getting a period, you're tired like a fully Yeah, understood,
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  Speaker 1: And I'm like, good on you for protecting your energy
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  Speaker 1: and just being you know, there was nothing on my end,
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  Speaker 1: but it is. It's that over communicating just to make sure. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: I think effort, transparency, openness, comunication, vulnerability, vulnerability. I guarantee,
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  Speaker 2: if you can lead with more vulnerability, even just one
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  Speaker 2: percent more than what you're doing right now, in any
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  Speaker 2: relationship that you have right now, you might get a
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  Speaker 2: very different response from the people in your life. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I really notice with your friends dropping off, Like, really,
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  Speaker 1: notice who's there through it all, not just the highlight reel,
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  Speaker 1: even me getting diagnosed in my brain on us. And
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  Speaker 1: I was reflecting on this last night because someone asked
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: if i'd heard from someone. I said no, I haven't
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: heard from her in years, and she was like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: did you reach out about your brain surgery? I was
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  Speaker 1: like no, And then I had this big reflection of
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  Speaker 1: who reached out who didn't, And I was like, it's
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: really interesting. I to just sit with it all and
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: it's a bit of sadness in there, but it's disappointment,
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  Speaker 1: a bit of like, oh my gosh, why didn't they
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  Speaker 1: reach out? And then random people that I haven't heard
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: from in years reached out I'm like, oh my gosh,
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  Speaker 1: can I do anything? Can I send you this? Can
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  Speaker 1: I drop you off this?
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I was like, wow, Wow, it.
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  Speaker 1: Was really interesting just to see who's been there through
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  Speaker 1: like just highlight times or good times and where I
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: felt like a friend with benefits and then who's been
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: there through all the ups and downs. So I think
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  Speaker 1: that's something to check in on your friendships as well.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love to hear it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so we hope that helps. But seeing you in
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: this and also get yourself to a se Risees event
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: honestly create solid friendships. This is all of our retreats,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: all of our events are born from what we've created
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: within our friendship and we just want that to multiply.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: And you know, the coolest thing about like our in
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: person events is that everyone there is looking for the
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: same thing. Literally, Like you might even have the story
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: that Wow, it's really hard to meet like minded people
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  Speaker 2: or like people who you genuinely want to spend time with.
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  Speaker 2: But trust me, if you come here, get the right
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  Speaker 2: room and abundance about people who want the.
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  Speaker 1: Same thing, get in the right room, it's like, wow,
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  Speaker 1: they're here. I just didn't know it.
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  Speaker 2: A look or you've got to do a show up.
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  Speaker 1: We don't have anything at the moment, but keep it
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: on the mind.
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  Speaker 2: Will let you know as soon as we do. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: thanks for joining us. Guys.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: We'll see in the next episode.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Bye bye.