Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Breaking Generational Trauma, Survivor’s Guilt & Emotional Healing with Julie Barth

Transcript

Breaking Generational Trauma, Survivor’s Guilt & Emotional Healing with Julie Barth · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:00
  So I know even though I necessarily had to do those
• 0:02
  things like wishing that he wasn't around anymore because he
• 0:05
  was suffering so badly, you know, you come out of that
• 0:09
  situation and if you don't unpack all those feelings, like
• 0:13
  I really did not like myself. I, I, I felt like I let him
• 0:17
  down. I felt like I lied to him.
• 0:20
  I felt like I could have saved him if I tried harder, that he
• 0:24
  didn't spend enough time with him.
• 0:26
  But these were not conscious thoughts.
• 0:28
  You know, it wasn't like that is how I felt.
• 0:32
  But getting into the second relationship was completely
• 0:35
  right for someone to basically tell me all the things I was
• 0:39
  already feeling myself. You know, you're, you're not a
• 0:42
  good mom, you're not a good person.
• 0:43
  Nobody likes you. You're, you know, emotionally
• 0:47
  too much. You're whatever it was, I felt
• 0:51
  like I deserved it. I I truly felt like he was
• 0:54
  mirroring all the things that I felt about myself.
• 0:57
  And I think that that's a trap you can fall into if you don't
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  understand how you yourself feel.
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  And I didn't. I had no idea that I was
• 1:05
  carrying all of that baggage. Hello and welcome to the Field
• 1:09
  Podcast. I'm Melissa Prick, your host.
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  I'm back here with a new friend that I met via our good friends
• 1:14
  at Pod Match. Julie Barth has a remarkable
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  story, a remarkable story of survival, of perseverance, of of
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  she's a change agent. And I'll get to that in a
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  minute. And she came to a point where
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  she knew it was time to fight for herself and her family and
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  her children. And she did that, but not
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  without a lot of bumps and really harmful experiences along
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  the way that far too many women have this experience.
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  And Julie's here to help not only herself, which she has
• 1:55
  done, but other women in understanding when they are in
• 2:00
  toxic relationships and knowing they're not alone and support
• 2:05
  and resources to help them free themselves from those.
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  She describes herself as a change agent, change agent for
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  those toxic relationships. She is empathetic and she is
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  outspoken. Julie Barth, Welcome to the
• 2:21
  Field podcast. Melissa, thanks for having me.
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  I'm so happy to have you here. Let's start with self-care.
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  And at what point you realized this had to become a priority
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  for you if you were going to be able to move forward in a
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  healthy way? I wasn't expecting that, that
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  discussion. I would honestly say I'm still
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  learning. Yeah.
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  Yeah. Like, you know, that has been
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  probably one of the hardest lessons.
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  I am trying to learn is to 1st accept help because I do not
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  accept help. And secondly, you know, to put
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  myself, you know that phrase that you can't help others if
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  you but I, you know, being the mother of six and a caregiver at
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  heart because that's been my life.
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  It's like, you know, when people ask me that, it's not as if you
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  wake up and you can consciously be.
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  And I know people, some people probably do, you know, even if I
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  put aside like 12:00 to 12:30, my daughter will call and say
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  like, I forgot my gym uniform. So I think Southcare is more for
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  me from affirming what my purpose here is, you know, when
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  I start really feeling down or I feel like I need some headspace,
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  you know, looking over things that I've done or, or ways that
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  people have reached out to me and said like, you know, you
• 3:55
  helped me do this or I left or whatever it is that that's,
• 3:59
  that's self-care for me. Whatever I love that is.
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  No, I think it's, I mean it's a counting the winds thing.
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  I mean it's something that I've started doing is not missing
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  those winds. Those ways that you've had
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  impact, I would say too self-care for you.
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  It based on how I've heard your story is you just, you chose
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  yourself. You got to a point where you
• 4:22
  chose you. Talk to me about what it was
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  like to finally to do that and know that it was necessary.
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  It's going to, again, I think that the only time that I really
• 4:38
  felt as if I was choosing me was when my son came to me and he
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  was about 16 and he said to me, you know, I was in a very toxic
• 4:49
  relationship. We had split and come back, you
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  know, because the average, you know, abused person, it takes
• 4:56
  some 7 times to leave a relationship before it sticks.
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  So, you know, my son came to me and he said like you wouldn't
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  talk to me first of all, which was terrible.
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  Like, you know, as a mom that that is probably the worst
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  thing. And he said I don't understand
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  why you keep letting him back. Like threatened to kill you,
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  threatened to kill me. You know, I've lost my childhood
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  and, you know, maybe that was the first time I put myself 1st.
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  And yeah, so, you know, honestly, was it me?
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  I, I, I felt in that moment that if I couldn't put myself 1st,
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  that I had to put them first. And where I had been like,
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  dancing around stuff and pretending that I was keeping it
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  separate and they didn't know and I was being a buffer, You
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  know, in that moment, I had to really recognize that I wasn't
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  being the mom I wanted to be. Yeah, that, yeah, that buffer
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  piece when you realize how much I, I think we, we sometimes
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  forget how much kids absorb in the environment that's around
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  them. And they are much more attune
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  sometimes than I think we give them credit for.
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  And what a moment, you know, as a mom and as a as a woman to
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  hear this. But also, you know, kudos to
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  your son for having the courage and and loving you in a way that
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  he was willing to make that really brave step, you know, on
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  your behalf. And you responded.
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  I think you should give yourself credit for that.
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  You responded. It was a wake up moment, which
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  this kind of this goes nicely into, you know, setting healthy
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  boundaries. You realized you this could this
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  cycle for you, your kids could not continue.
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  There had to be you know what you might be didn't realize it
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  at the time, but some healthy boundaries put into place for
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  your preservation, the recognition of calling this
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  relationship what it. Was yeah, that great, You know,
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  and I think, yeah, I, I have never really pondered over like
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  generational, you know, you know, that generations of
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  people. But you know what one thing that
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  really has caught my eye lately and looking over the landscape
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  of, of what I do as a human being and what we do as human
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  beings. You know, there were many years
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  when I would tell my kids like, oh, he's just joking or he
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  didn't mean that or, you know, and, and in doing that, I
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  convinced them that their experience was not valid, you
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  know, that that they didn't have a right to feel how they were
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  feeling because they were just being silly or overlooking it.
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  And, you know, then the courts came in and did the same thing,
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  you know, with this reunification counseling, they
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  tell kids like your experience is not your own.
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  You know, you just play nice. You know, this is you have to
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  have this and it is what it is. And I think we teach kids the
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  very worst things about boundaries because we teach
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  them. It's almost as.
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  If you can't have boundaries until you turn 16 and then
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  boundaries are out, you know, you know why why we think that
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  little kids can't feel and have alarms and internal, you know,
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  all these things, why they're not allowed to experience them
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  until some magic age, you know, societally is to me just kind of
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  crazy. You know, we should be teaching
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  them very young that their experience matters, that their
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  feelings are valid, that they need to hold boundaries.
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  Because I think that's what happened to me.
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  I mean, my parents are very, you know, stop, stop crying.
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  Get over yourself. You know, and that's what we
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  teach them is just, you know, shove it inside and keep moving.
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  Yeah, that's a script we get when we're very young.
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  As kids, especially as little girls, be quiet, be polite, be
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  kind. Put everybody else before you.
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  Don't be a distraction. The the term I used to hear if I
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  was crying and my parents didn't know what to do with it, I would
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  dry it up. Dry it up like your feelings
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  aren't valid here. You don't get to cry.
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  We don't want any of your quote UN quote nonsense, whatever it
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  was. And so, yeah, and so it, and so
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  then it's no wonder you've got all these feelings, you've got
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  all these things, you've watched these relationships grown up in
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  these homes where they didn't know what to do with their
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  emotions, let alone yours. And so you, it's understandable
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  how you, we can end up in these really dangerous, toxic
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  relationships because it just continues that trend.
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  And so I love what you said about let's validate and allow
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  these kids to name their feelings.
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  Let's teach them how to walk through them and acknowledge
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  them and, you know, not stuff them.
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  And let's model that for them because, I mean, the
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  conversation you had with your son is a classic example.
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  You can say all the words you want to say.
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  They're going to remember what they saw.
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  Yeah, 100%. And, and it builds A familiarity
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  because we all like to feel we when we're in something that's
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  familiar, we're comfortable. That doesn't make it safe, it
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  doesn't make it healthy. And in fact, if you're in a if
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  you grow up in a house that is very dysfunctional, you learn
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  that dysfunctional is normal and safe.
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  And, you know, and nobody has a perfect upbringing and by no
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  way, you know, fostering that. Nor am I saying that if a child
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  is acting out inappropriately, that it's not her duty as adults
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  to say like that is not, you know, I'm sorry that you feel
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  that way, but, you know, you need to work through this.
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  Yeah, I'm just saying that, you know, they're in in seeing my
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  own situation. And, you know, my first, my
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  first marriage was so healthy. You know, we got along.
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  We were able and and unfortunately I lost him very
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  early on. My children were very young and
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  you know, I often think that what a difference it would have
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  made in their world growing up in that household versus the one
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  that we then jumped to. Yeah, I want to stay there for a
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  minute. You hit something very important
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  that I think we don't talk about enough.
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  When you have that tragic loss of someone unexpectedly so
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  young, it is not uncommon to see people enter into another
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  relationship fairly soon. And you're in a very vulnerable
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  state. You're, you're trying to manage
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  this grief and your family and find your footing again.
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  And sadly, there are a lot of people out there that will prey
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  on that. And and so talk to me about
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  because this, you know, like you said, you had that healthy
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  relationship that we look for the first time around, but talk
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  to me how that played a role too, and how you ended up in
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  this abusive, toxic relationship.
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  So for I lost my first husband to cancer.
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  So you know, every loss is different, every means to get
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  there is different. But I watched him literally die
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  for 16 months. You know, I lost piece of them
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  every day. And when you're a caregiver,
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  especially young, you know, I was juggling children.
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  I was juggling him. And after he died, I didn't
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  really understand survivor's guilt.
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  Like I thought survivor's guilt was, you know, somebody makes
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  out of the Twin towers and, you know, and so I, I, for those 16
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  months, not only did he believe that he, that I could save him,
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  I started to believe it because you get this false sense of
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  being able to save someone. So I came out of that after 16
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  months and I had so much guilt for lying to him because I would
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  lie and say like, oh, we're going to chemo.
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  Sure, sure. You know, and, and it started
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  feeling almost like a cruel joke.
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  So I know even though I necessarily had to do those
• 13:02
  things like wishing that he wasn't around anymore because he
• 13:05
  was suffering so badly, you know, you come out of that
• 13:09
  situation and if you don't unpack all those feelings, like
• 13:13
  I really did not like myself. I, I, I felt like I let him
• 13:17
  down. I felt like I lied to him.
• 13:20
  I felt like I could have saved him if I tried harder, that he
• 13:24
  didn't spend enough time with him.
• 13:26
  But these were not conscious thoughts.
• 13:28
  You know, it wasn't like that is how I felt.
• 13:32
  But getting into the second relationship was completely
• 13:35
  right for someone to basically tell me all the things I was
• 13:39
  already feeling myself. You know, you're, you're not a
• 13:42
  good mom, you're not a good person.
• 13:43
  Nobody likes you. You're, you know, emotionally
• 13:47
  too much. You're whatever it was, I felt
• 13:51
  like I deserved it. I I truly felt like he was
• 13:54
  mirroring all the things that I felt about myself.
• 13:57
  And I think that that's a trap you can fall into if you don't
• 14:01
  understand how you yourself feel.
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  And I didn't. I had no idea that I was
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  carrying all of that baggage. Well, thank you for sharing
• 14:09
  that. I know that's a really
• 14:10
  vulnerable space, but I think it's important to talk about it
• 14:13
  because it's important for women to be aware of this and to be
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  aware of this when they go through these experiences.
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  And caregiving is hard and it is, it is so many times.
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  And my friend, I have a couple of friends that have been on
• 14:28
  here that are now that have been in our caregivers and have
• 14:32
  resources now. Lynette Weldon and my friend
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  Aaron Copeland's been on with me several times, both on the
• 14:37
  podcast and panels, and we talk all the time about how to take
• 14:41
  care of the person who is sick, but we don't talk about how to
• 14:44
  take care of the caregiver. And so the caregiver is left
• 14:48
  with all these unresolved thoughts and emotions.
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  Many of them are not true, but they need to be spoken and
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  worked through so you can get to the truth, you can heal, And
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  then to see how sadly, again, there are other people out there
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  who have not done the work. You will feed into that.
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  So if there's somebody. So just be mindful that and
• 15:14
  aware of that and really caring for yourself through that and
• 15:17
  also being kind to yourself and not being up on yourself when
• 15:22
  you do make those decisions because you're just trying to
• 15:24
  find a place to breathe and survive.
• 15:28
  Yeah, and I think too, you start, you stop talking to
• 15:32
  people. You know, it was like it went on
• 15:34
  for so long that if I was even capable of going out and seeing
• 15:39
  a friend or somebody stopped by or, you know, the last thing I
• 15:43
  wanted to do is wear my tragedy or my bad feelings.
• 15:46
  Like I I wanted to be the old Julie.
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  So I hid those things about myself because I felt like
• 15:53
  nobody wanted to hear them anyway.
• 15:56
  So they just like sit with you and and you are no longer you're
• 15:59
  an authentic human. You are playing a part and
• 16:02
  you're being whoever that person that you with need you to be at
• 16:05
  that moment, not who you need to be.
• 16:09
  Yeah, yeah. And you lose yourself in that.
• 16:12
  I mean, it really does become that story.
• 16:16
  So talk to me about what it's been like to move out of that
• 16:21
  and to get to the space that you are now, where you truly do.
• 16:24
  You have set healthy boundaries in your relationships, what you
• 16:28
  will and won't tolerate, seeking the healing you need.
• 16:31
  What? What has it been like to move
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  into? That space again, I think I'm
• 16:37
  still moving into that space. But you know, I, I, I think that
• 16:41
  after, you know, after I lost talent, I felt like I couldn't
• 16:44
  do it alone. You know, that was my biggest
• 16:47
  thing. And then when I found out that I
• 16:49
  was actually doing it alone, the only difference is, you know,
• 16:52
  someone was sabotaging me, so making it harder to do it on my
• 16:55
  own. You know, I, I feel as if
• 16:59
  somebody, if somebody comes into my life now, if they add to my
• 17:04
  life and they, they fulfill what, you know, me, then, then
• 17:09
  I'm more than happy to accept them into my life.
• 17:11
  But you know, I, I have a really hard time opening up to people
• 17:17
  still. So unless you give me the space,
• 17:20
  I tend to like kind of, you know, step back a little bit and
• 17:24
  read the room a little bit and decide who I think I'm not about
• 17:30
  shallow talk anymore. Like I can't live in a world of
• 17:34
  small talk. And that really limits me
• 17:37
  because I almost want to get in depth so quickly that I think
• 17:41
  it's like, you know, the people around me are not like that.
• 17:44
  They've not lived that experience where they're ready
• 17:47
  to deep dive like the minute you meet them.
• 17:50
  So, you know, I think that I've been a little more discerning
• 17:53
  about who I put my energy into and not in a bad way, you know?
• 18:00
  Yeah. Like I, I will speak to anybody
• 18:02
  and, and spend time with anyone, I guess, you know, like I said,
• 18:06
  I, I'm very quick. If I feel like somebody is not
• 18:10
  good for me and that has nothing to do with them, you know,
• 18:13
  that's me. If somebody's not good for me
• 18:16
  at, at singling that I'm out like right at the gate instead
• 18:19
  of because where the old me would be like, oh, well, they
• 18:22
  don't like me. I'm going to work really hard.
• 18:24
  So they do. That was the way I used to be,
• 18:27
  you know, like if you don't like me, In fact, I used to pick
• 18:30
  people out that didn't like me to prove to myself maybe I can
• 18:35
  make them like me. And I don't do that anymore.
• 18:38
  And somebody doesn't like me. I'm like, I find somebody who
• 18:42
  does really quick instead of, you know, that was for some
• 18:45
  reason my thing was always to try and like prove that I was
• 18:48
  worthy of, you know, the the grumpiest person in the room.
• 18:54
  And I think that's probably, you know, validation of trying to
• 18:57
  prove I'm a good person. And I think now I, I believe I
• 19:01
  am instead of always looking to somebody else to say, what do
• 19:05
  you think? You think I'm a good person like
• 19:07
  that was for many, many years I, I saw myself as a reflection of
• 19:11
  whatever someone else thought of me.
• 19:13
  And I don't really do that anymore.
• 19:16
  Yeah, yeah. So and you started trusting
• 19:19
  yourself. You started trusting your
• 19:20
  intuition. You recognized your value.
• 19:23
  And I think it's so, you know, you're just, you talked about
• 19:25
  being discerning people that are safe, people that are
• 19:28
  trustworthy, people that are worthy of your time and, you
• 19:32
  know, and treating yourself in that way.
• 19:34
  Thank you so much for that. Talk to me about emotional,
• 19:38
  mental, you know, spiritual, physical health, connections.
• 19:43
  You talk, you know, wow, as you were going through this process,
• 19:49
  were you able to see how the mental and emotional was taking
• 19:52
  a toll on the physical and vice versa?
• 19:55
  Talk to me about those those connections that happened for
• 19:57
  you. So I used to when Colin was sick
• 20:03
  and really, you know, I have a special needs daughter too.
• 20:05
  So I went through many surgeries with her early.
• 20:07
  You know, it's, it's been a long ride.
• 20:10
  But my thing was always, I was a runner.
• 20:12
  I, you know, I was born running. I don't know what it was.
• 20:15
  You know, when I was 11, I would go off running.
• 20:17
  My parents be like, where are you going?
• 20:19
  And I'd be like running. And they'd say why?
• 20:20
  And I'd go, I don't know. But when I was when I was in my
• 20:25
  second relationship, I, I literally could not run to the
• 20:29
  mailbox where I used to run 10 miles every other day.
• 20:33
  It was so debilitating that I couldn't, couldn't get out of
• 20:36
  bed. I was taking muscle relaxers.
• 20:39
  They said I had five fibromyalgia.
• 20:41
  My spine was physically twisting.
• 20:44
  I would go orthopedic surgeons and they would have no
• 20:47
  explanation for it. I was having a hard time
• 20:50
  breathing. Like I just, I, I don't know if
• 20:54
  anyone can relate to this, but like, you know, when you have
• 20:57
  the flu and you're just like on your lap, you know, you're like
• 21:01
  literally crawling to the bathroom and just like trying to
• 21:04
  find that last piece of energy because you're so sick.
• 21:08
  That is how I felt for many years.
• 21:11
  Like I would wake up feeling bottomed out, like I don't even
• 21:16
  want to do this day. And of course that took its
• 21:19
  emotional toll on me where I became very hyper vigilant.
• 21:22
  Everything was a big deal. Everything was too much for me.
• 21:26
  One small thing would just be like the camel.
• 21:30
  And so I was very reactive too. And so I had all that going on
• 21:36
  and you know it, it's amazing. I'm three years out and I no
• 21:40
  longer take a single medication. I can run 5 miles again.
• 21:45
  I don't have fibromyalgia, I'm not even like my muscles aren't
• 21:49
  even tight. And I wake up in peace every
• 21:52
  morning where I never thought I'd find peace again.
• 21:56
  Yeah, wow. And I, you know, you are not the
• 21:59
  first woman I have talked to you about this on this platform that
• 22:02
  has had these experience. I've had multiple guests on this
• 22:06
  platform that have been in abusive and difficult
• 22:09
  relationships who have talked about the same thing.
• 22:12
  And the minute they get their freedom back, the minute they
• 22:15
  get themselves back, they start healing.
• 22:18
  And I think it goes back to as practitioners, as healthcare
• 22:22
  providers got to be mindful about the questions we're asking
• 22:27
  to help the patients make the connect points and be that
• 22:31
  lifeline. But we don't ask enough
• 22:33
  questions. We just try to throw a
• 22:35
  prescription at it or a diagnosis and we don't have all
• 22:38
  the information. And I think that's just a place
• 22:42
  that really needs so much improvement.
• 22:45
  But it's remarkable to me how many people I've had this
• 22:49
  conversation with. I mean, I had my own experience
• 22:53
  with this when I hit like my wall at age 50 and mine was as a
• 22:57
  result of a lot of stuffed traumas and and feelings that
• 23:04
  happened all the way back to my very early childhood that I just
• 23:08
  the habits that I learned Hyper you talk about the hyper
• 23:10
  vigilance piece. You don't know how to discern
• 23:14
  between the tiger actually chasing you versus a little
• 23:18
  mouse that ran around the corner and ran out the door isn't
• 23:21
  really a big deal. I mean, you don't know how
• 23:24
  everything feels like it's up here.
• 23:26
  Your cortisol levels are so blown out of the water that
• 23:31
  you're having these physical impacts.
• 23:33
  And so I think it's just paying attention to that, listening to
• 23:38
  our bodies, you know, OK, what's happening here?
• 23:41
  I am really lit up what's happening around me, whether
• 23:46
  it's the space I'm in, the relationship I'm in, the
• 23:49
  workplace I'm in, whatever it is, what's happening that is
• 23:52
  feeling this. And I think those are questions
• 23:54
  we have to be really mindful of asking.
• 23:56
  So thank you for for sharing your experience with that.
• 24:00
  I think that's going to be really helpful.
• 24:01
  And a lot of women are going to be like.
• 24:03
  Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, that experience too,
• 24:08
  supporting yourself and other women in living
• 24:11
  unapologetically. I really feel like this is where
• 24:14
  your work is really a cornerstone of this talking
• 24:18
  point. You've learned to show up for
• 24:20
  you. You chose you, You chose your
• 24:23
  family. You made the change.
• 24:25
  You, you are and and we are in all in process.
• 24:29
  And I tell we talk about this all the time.
• 24:31
  I had to learn that I was going to constantly be healing and
• 24:35
  evolving for the rest of my life.
• 24:37
  This wasn't going to be like this thing that like, oh,
• 24:40
  everything's good now. I went to therapy for six months
• 24:43
  and I I never will be anxious about anything again.
• 24:46
  And you know, I mean, it's just, that's just not how it works.
• 24:49
  Plots are just happened to us that are so deep seated that
• 24:53
  there's going to be different things that trigger it sometimes
• 24:56
  expectedly, sometimes unexpectedly.
• 24:58
  It's going to be that next layer, I call them layers that
• 25:01
  we're going to have to confront and and and dig into a little
• 25:05
  bit and be and be welcoming to and curious about rather than
• 25:09
  judgmental and trying to stuff it.
• 25:11
  But as you have have have taken this walk and you have not only
• 25:16
  taken care of you and your kids, but you have resources now for
• 25:21
  other women. You've written a book.
• 25:23
  Talk to me about that decision to write the book and become a
• 25:27
  resource to other women. Well, the first book that I
• 25:32
  wrote, it's called Note to Note BlackBerry.
• 25:34
  And that book I wrote when Colin was was actually he, when we
• 25:40
  found out he had chemo, they gave him two weeks to live.
• 25:43
  And so they did one of these like go home, tell your children
• 25:46
  goodbye. Our youngest was six months, our
• 25:49
  oldest was 10. And so we would go down to chemo
• 25:52
  together. And he was so sick that he
• 25:55
  didn't want me moving around. So I had a BlackBerry and I
• 25:59
  started writing my special, special needs daughter story
• 26:02
  because it was unimaginable. She was born.
• 26:05
  She has something called primordial dwarfism.
• 26:08
  They didn't know what it was. And any malpractice that you
• 26:11
  could possibly imagine happened three years of traveling around
• 26:15
  the country, you know? So I was uncapping all of that
• 26:19
  while I was sitting with him. Wow.
• 26:21
  And I also realistically knew that he probably was not going
• 26:24
  to make it. So I started telling our story,
• 26:28
  Him, him and myself, because we met in grammar school, You know,
• 26:31
  he's my first. Yeah, yeah.
• 26:33
  So I actually wrote it and it sat on my laptop for 12 years
• 26:38
  and just I, I pieced it all together.
• 26:41
  I would e-mail it and then I pieced it together.
• 26:43
  And it wasn't until I got divorced that I sat down and I
• 26:47
  had the courage to read it. And when I read it, you know,
• 26:53
  when I got to the end of it, it was like, there's this epiphany
• 26:57
  that went off in my head. Like, you know, I gave it to
• 27:00
  other people as well. And they said, like, I had no
• 27:01
  idea how lonely you are. And ironically enough, if
• 27:05
  someone had asked me at that time, like, what are you
• 27:08
  feeling? You know, are you lonely, I
• 27:10
  would have said no, not at all, you know?
• 27:12
  But that's what hindsight is about South in reading it, I
• 27:17
  recognize that as a young caregiver, I was helping.
• 27:22
  I I released it's that other people hopefully will read the
• 27:25
  book, see that I was doing everything I possibly could.
• 27:29
  And if they're willing to give me the grace to say, wow, this
• 27:32
  woman's really a hero that they will look at their own
• 27:35
  situation, do the same. Or if they have somebody in
• 27:37
  their life who's going through it, we'll look at them a little
• 27:40
  bit more differently. Because what goes on behind
• 27:43
  closed doors in the day-to-day stuff of the caregiver, you
• 27:46
  can't even, you know, I always liken it to like when you're
• 27:49
  pregnant in like 9 months, people come to you and they're
• 27:52
  like, Oh my gosh, it went by so quick.
• 27:54
  You're like, Oh yeah, maybe for you did it, but not, but not so
• 27:59
  much for me, you know? So that's kind of why I wrote
• 28:04
  it. Because when we are in
• 28:06
  impossible situations, we do things that we never thought we
• 28:11
  would, whether that's good or bad.
• 28:12
  And we've got to give ourselves the grace to know that if we
• 28:15
  made the decisions we did with, you know, the best of
• 28:18
  intentions, even if they don't work out the way that we want
• 28:21
  them to. And then the second book is
• 28:24
  called From Blackberries to Thorns, And that will be coming
• 28:26
  out soon. And that is meeting my my second
• 28:29
  husband, 10 years of really just diabolical, torturous moments.
• 28:36
  And again, I didn't write it to the salaciousness of it, but I
• 28:40
  did write it so that, you know, I might have stayed in that
• 28:44
  relationship forever if I did not have, you know, my son come
• 28:48
  to me if I did not, you know, just finally get to a part where
• 28:53
  it just couldn't do it anymore. And I know there are so many
• 28:56
  women out there right now who are stuck in these situations
• 29:01
  and they're Googling every day. How do I I can't take I would
• 29:04
  Google every day. How do I save my relationship?
• 29:06
  I went to therapist after therapist trying to fix me so
• 29:09
  that I can fix us and just threw so much energy and time and
• 29:16
  refused to acknowledge what was right in front of me and so
• 29:20
  afraid to leave what I was so afraid it would get worse that I
• 29:24
  stayed in my worst case scenario.
• 29:27
  Wow. You were like I said, when we
• 29:30
  started this, you were telling the story of so many women.
• 29:33
  But my God, when I think about what you were going through, you
• 29:37
  had the special needs child, this husband with cancer, plus
• 29:41
  your other children and yourself.
• 29:43
  That is so much. And I, I, I hope you can see as
• 29:49
  you are moving forward, the courage that it's taking you to
• 29:53
  show up every day and the courage that it, that it took
• 29:58
  you to not only hear what your son said, but take action.
• 30:03
  And I mean, and I think with it would have been not easy from
• 30:08
  how you were being treated. But we tend to get comfortable
• 30:12
  and we're afraid and we're so hard on ourselves and we're so
• 30:15
  judgmental that we're afraid to get curious and think about what
• 30:19
  would happen if I did this, What would happen if I shifted this
• 30:25
  and and you decided to take that shift and make that shift.
• 30:32
  And so thank you for that. Thank you for your courage and
• 30:36
  sharing and for writing these books.
• 30:39
  I have a feeling, both of them, that the one that's already been
• 30:42
  released and the new one will meet women where they are.
• 30:46
  Sometimes we don't, you know, we don't need the how to.
• 30:50
  We just need somebody that's like, oh, wow, she gets it.
• 30:55
  She was there too. I'm not the only one.
• 30:59
  And that can be the lifeline that they need.
• 31:03
  And to me, that is been the way for my view.
• 31:07
  The way you have shown up unapologetically for yourself
• 31:12
  and also as an invitation to others to follow you.
• 31:16
  Come with you, you can do. This too.
• 31:18
  Oh, thank you. Yeah.
• 31:22
  You know, the, the, the, where my passion really lies is, you
• 31:25
  know, there's so many like organizations out there that,
• 31:29
  you know, if you need to flee your home, you know, if you're,
• 31:32
  if you have no resources, you know, and I think that's
• 31:35
  fantastic. But for women who are stuck in
• 31:38
  my position, they stay because they have to, because you're not
• 31:43
  running from anything. You can't say I've been
• 31:45
  physically abused because you have an emotional abuse isn't a
• 31:48
  thing. You know, you, you drive around
• 31:50
  in your car, in your house and you think I'm going to have to,
• 31:54
  I don't even know where to start.
• 31:56
  And you know, no one should ever I I put my children in some
• 32:01
  really tough spots out of fear out of out of people telling me
• 32:07
  I had to the court system, my lawyers and I never want any
• 32:12
  child to be, you know, compromised.
• 32:15
  There's safety to be compromised because a woman doesn't have
• 32:19
  resources. Like if if you say that enough
• 32:21
  times that should never be a thing in is in America anywhere
• 32:27
  that you are not allowed to protect your child because you
• 32:29
  don't have enough money to do it.
• 32:31
  Yeah. Absolutely.
• 32:33
  Yeah. So that's really where, yeah.
• 32:37
  I think you're this is where your why and your values really
• 32:39
  come into play, which has LED you to where you are now in
• 32:42
  starting this nonprofit and becoming the resource, the place
• 32:47
  they can come to get all these questions and fears answered.
• 32:52
  So talk to me about the decision to do that.
• 32:57
  You know, I don't even know how I, when my first husband died,
• 33:01
  which is the, it's called the Cullen James Garth Outreach.
• 33:04
  It's named after him, which, you know, a lot of people ask me why
• 33:07
  it's named, why a female organization is named after a
• 33:10
  man. And and my answer to them is
• 33:12
  because he would have done anything in the world to stay
• 33:16
  here and protect us. And the thought that his name is
• 33:19
  being attached to something that's helping protect people
• 33:22
  that have been in my shoes would mean the world to him.
• 33:25
  Yeah. And when when he died, I said to
• 33:28
  him, something good is going to come from this.
• 33:30
  Like, I refuse to just let this go.
• 33:32
  Like your fight, your courage, all of it.
• 33:35
  And Tatum to, you know, my, my special needs daughter.
• 33:38
  So when I went through the when I went through my divorce and,
• 33:41
  you know, I really did lose everything.
• 33:43
  But again, I would live in a trailer park.
• 33:45
  I everything I thought I was going to lose, and I did lose.
• 33:49
  I found out I really didn't need to begin with.
• 33:51
  And it probably was the very thing keeping me stuck.
• 33:54
  But you know, it was at that point where, you know, when the,
• 33:57
  when the courts came to me and they said to me, basically,
• 34:02
  these children are no longer yours.
• 34:03
  You cannot make a decision about your own children.
• 34:06
  You must take them to therapy for reunification, which to
• 34:10
  reunify something that was never unionized to begin with.
• 34:14
  For them to tell me that I how I had to speak about, you know,
• 34:19
  them being with their father from you know, I the common
• 34:23
  sense of all of it. It's just the lack of control
• 34:27
  and you know, I am not a person that was slinging my house.
• 34:30
  I am not, you know, someone who, who gives up easily, I suppose.
• 34:37
  And, and I am somebody that believes that like it's worth
• 34:41
  fighting for. If, if I were so inclined to
• 34:44
  really, you know, not have resources to not have support,
• 34:48
  to not have that inner strength. Like those people just they hit
• 34:53
  these hard times and they they just don't have it within them.
• 34:58
  And really, the people that get stuck in all of this are the
• 35:01
  children. And then years and years of
• 35:04
  women feeling guilty and shameful for not being able to
• 35:08
  protect their kids when it's not their fault.
• 35:10
  Like they're doing everything they can in society.
• 35:14
  I just feel like it's our duty, you know, who has a more
• 35:18
  important position in this world than a mother or a parent?
• 35:22
  You know, that is the most important job.
• 35:25
  And the fact that we don't value it, that we don't, you know,
• 35:28
  honor it, that we think it's OK just because of, you know, legal
• 35:33
  reasons or DNA or whatever we want to classify as mom and dad
• 35:37
  is OK to manipulate children to do what we want them to do.
• 35:41
  It just shouldn't be a thing. So, yeah, obviously you can tell
• 35:46
  I'm passionate about it, but my children are my world.
• 35:49
  And I don't know many mothers who wouldn't say the same thing.
• 35:52
  And they should never be in a position where they feel as if
• 35:55
  they've lost control over to protect their own kids.
• 35:57
  That's your number one job. And when someone takes that job
• 36:00
  away and makes you sit on the sidelines, it is so devastating.
• 36:05
  Yeah, I think too, you have pointed out, and it's so
• 36:09
  important that we go back to this, the flaws in our systems
• 36:13
  that exist to this day when it comes to our children and to
• 36:18
  women, the systems are so flat. They don't protect us.
• 36:22
  I've, I have a friend who does research for this and has the
• 36:27
  statistics to show that these systems are failing women and
• 36:32
  children time and time again and driving them many times to
• 36:36
  desperate measures because of how they've been failed.
• 36:41
  And I, we've got to continue to talk about that and this, you
• 36:45
  know, and this is so much part of what it speaks to the empath
• 36:50
  in you. It speaks to the passion in you.
• 36:53
  It speaks to your desire to take care of and make sure your those
• 36:57
  that you love are well. And so thank you for being
• 37:01
  willing to step up and be a resource.
• 37:04
  My favorite thing, one of my favorite things about women, I
• 37:07
  get to share these stories time and time again of seeing a gap
• 37:13
  based on our experiences and being the solution like in in
• 37:18
  and being part of like, wait a minute, this doesn't have to be
• 37:22
  this way. And I can be and I can help fill
• 37:26
  a gap. I can be an answer.
• 37:28
  And that's what you've done here.
• 37:29
  So thank you so much about we'll talk more a little bit before we
• 37:33
  wrap up about the different things that that you're able to
• 37:36
  offer. This is still, you know, pretty
• 37:38
  fresh and new for you, but I wanted to spend some time on
• 37:41
  that because I think it's so important, important the neck in
• 37:45
  in living out of your own expectations versus others.
• 37:48
  This is something you have moved to.
• 37:50
  You are no longer, you know, taking what other people say
• 37:55
  about you and letting that decide how your life goes.
• 37:59
  You have changed the narrative for yourself here.
• 38:03
  Talk to me about that transition and what it feels like to be
• 38:06
  able to do that today. It feels very foreign.
• 38:12
  I hope as time goes on it feels a little less foreign.
• 38:15
  But you know, the thing about who your essence is, and my
• 38:18
  essence is I'm a people pleaser. And I used to think that that
• 38:23
  was a horrible thing and I'm OK with it now because I think it
• 38:27
  doesn't show weakness. If I'm willing, you know, I will
• 38:30
  go above and beyond for everyone that I love, even people that I
• 38:35
  don't love because I feel as if, you know, when they go through
• 38:40
  hard times, you know, you just want to put it in your past.
• 38:44
  You're like I'm so glad that was over.
• 38:46
  But if we all just stopped and like you don't have to devote
• 38:50
  your life to it or open up a charity.
• 38:51
  But if you just see like 1 little injustice and like I am
• 38:55
  one of those people that just believes in an injustice should
• 38:57
  be squashed. I don't think why.
• 39:00
  Maybe my Irish mother, but you know, if we, if we all just like
• 39:04
  did our part to make one little change in whatever we've
• 39:08
  experienced, like the world would just be such an incredibly
• 39:12
  kinder place. And, you know, as women, I know
• 39:16
  that people really make us feel as if we're all in competition
• 39:20
  with one another. And we're, you know, I don't
• 39:22
  think we are. I think we're all in the same
• 39:25
  boat. And I think if there's a lot of
• 39:27
  competition in the workplace, it's because only one makes it.
• 39:30
  There has to be a competition in the workplace.
• 39:33
  You know, it's not like innate in US.
• 39:37
  So, you know, when it comes to taking back the power, you know,
• 39:40
  I wake up every day and I will say I think I'm working full
• 39:46
  time for free. I'm putting myself out there.
• 39:48
  I do you know that those are the negative things that that I tell
• 39:52
  myself in the morning, you know, and then I'll open up my e-mail
• 39:56
  or I actually have two women who are living with me right now. 11
• 40:00
  is pregnant has nowhere else to go.
• 40:02
  Her her boyfriend kicked her out.
• 40:04
  The other is a 24 year old who her husband stole her child and
• 40:09
  we were lucky enough to get him the her child back.
• 40:13
  So, you know, I will say I worried a lot about what people
• 40:17
  would think of me, you know, and I, it kept me stuck in the
• 40:19
  relationship I was in. You know, I was afraid because
• 40:22
  he was telling everyone I was crazy.
• 40:23
  I looked crazy. I was acting crazy.
• 40:27
  And I was on a podcast and I saw somebody posted a reel of me
• 40:31
  with talking with the, the podcast.
• 40:34
  By the way, it's called the Scarlet Edit.
• 40:36
  It's really good. But.
• 40:37
  Someone posted she is crazy look at her.
• 40:41
  I feel sorry for her, her husband.
• 40:44
  And. If I had saw that comment two
• 40:49
  years ago, I would have shriveled.
• 40:52
  I mean, I would have been probably in my room in the
• 40:55
  corner crying. Oh my gosh, people are going to
• 40:58
  think and I just kind of, you know, there was that moment of
• 41:03
  oh gosh, well, you know, maybe I am and and I would have spiraled
• 41:08
  so much. But yeah, I'm on the other side
• 41:11
  of it now. And you can you can think I'm
• 41:13
  crazy. I'm OK with that.
• 41:15
  I know I'm not crazy. You can think whatever you want
• 41:19
  about me. Someone said to me, oh, I like,
• 41:22
  I wish I think is a great phrase.
• 41:23
  Like what people think of you is none of your business.
• 41:26
  And that is how I've tried to conduct myself.
• 41:29
  Like if you think I'm crazy, if you think that I'm a bad person,
• 41:33
  if then you don't know me. Because if you knew what was in
• 41:37
  my heart and if you knew why I was doing what I was doing, it's
• 41:40
  not to put people down. It's not to say men are bad.
• 41:43
  It's not. I'm doing nothing but trying to
• 41:46
  make the world a better place. The only way I know how, which
• 41:49
  is in my experience, what I've seen go go wrong, you know,
• 41:52
  that's why I'm on the path I am. So yeah, I guess my power lies
• 41:57
  in if I can change one person's world, and I mean that
• 42:01
  sincerely, that I've made a difference because all of the
• 42:05
  stuff I've been through, if it's, if I didn't make something
• 42:09
  good come of it, then it would be very hard for me to feel
• 42:11
  sorry for myself or, you know, feel down or, or to miss the
• 42:15
  people like Colin in my life. But it's, it's meaningful.
• 42:19
  There's a reason why I'm on the path I am.
• 42:20
  And I, I think sometimes we fight against the universe.
• 42:25
  And I was just saying this to the girl who moved in because
• 42:28
  it's very fresh in her head. And she was like, why did he do
• 42:32
  that? Why does he?
• 42:33
  And I said, we are all here to learn a lesson.
• 42:36
  And if we don't learn that lesson, we are, we will continue
• 42:41
  to be put in that position until we do learn the lesson.
• 42:43
  And that means suffering over and over and over again until
• 42:47
  you just say, OK, I'm listening. I got it.
• 42:52
  I'm going to do something about it.
• 42:53
  And that's the way I see. I see everybody's place here is
• 42:57
  like you will. You are destined to repeat the
• 43:00
  same horrible cycles until you see that you're supposed to
• 43:03
  learn a better way to do it. And when you do, I believe it's
• 43:07
  your duty to help other people who are struggling the same way
• 43:10
  you did, you know, hasten their learning because you see the
• 43:14
  other side of it. You know, I'm on the other side.
• 43:17
  And I haven't forgotten how horrible it is to be stuck in
• 43:21
  it. I haven't forgotten how scary it
• 43:22
  is. I haven't forgotten that it
• 43:24
  really is dangerous. But I also am on the other side
• 43:28
  of it, knowing that I could not have continued on that path and
• 43:31
  nobody can. And and it's life or death.
• 43:34
  It's not just like, oh, you're living a miserable life when an
• 43:38
  emotional abuser turns physical or they don't even.
• 43:42
  It only takes months. It really only takes Gabby
• 43:45
  Petito is a perfect example. It only takes once and I don't
• 43:50
  ever want someone to be in that position because they feel like
• 43:53
  they don't have a way out of it. Yeah, yeah.
• 43:56
  Thank you for that. I think so important.
• 43:58
  And I think it's that when you can get to that understanding
• 44:01
  of, you know, take the troll who said the comment, they've got
• 44:04
  their own healing journey they clearly haven't done.
• 44:07
  And that is all about them and nothing about us.
• 44:10
  But that can be really hard when we don't know our own value.
• 44:14
  And you've been able to move into a place where you do
• 44:16
  understand that you are able to separate the truth from just the
• 44:19
  garbage, from, you know, from people that are clearly, you
• 44:23
  know, have their own healing to do.
• 44:26
  And also learning that you talked about earlier, being in
• 44:30
  therapy to help yourself so you could save your relationship.
• 44:34
  No one person can save a relationship.
• 44:37
  No one person can save another person.
• 44:40
  We can only do our best to take care of ourselves.
• 44:43
  And when we can release that responsibility to carry the
• 44:47
  whole weight of it, that can be really freeing too.
• 44:51
  Yeah, And, you know, you're not doing them any favors because,
• 44:54
  you know, and I said this, you know, she said, oh, well, you
• 44:58
  know, he's out having fun tonight.
• 44:59
  I said, I can guarantee you he is not having fun.
• 45:02
  For whatever reason, he continues to treat people this
• 45:05
  way. He is not happy with himself.
• 45:07
  He is not happy at all in life. And he's hurting other people to
• 45:12
  make himself numb. So you know, it's, it's all in
• 45:17
  your perspective of it and the longer you enable somebody to be
• 45:21
  that way, you're not, you're, you're literally hurting them
• 45:24
  more by not making them accountable.
• 45:26
  Whether they change after you leave them or not is not your
• 45:29
  responsibility either. Maybe they'll continue to be a
• 45:32
  terrible person even more, but at least you are not responsible
• 45:38
  for it anymore and you can find your own piece.
• 45:41
  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for that
• 45:44
  embracing your layers. I talk about a lot with the
• 45:48
  women I work with and on on this show about the the importance of
• 45:53
  embracing our layers, all the pieces and parts that make up
• 45:56
  our story, the parts we don't love, the parts we do, and
• 46:00
  really replacing judgement with curiosity.
• 46:03
  Talk to me about this is really unfolded for you the last three
• 46:07
  years. I think especially talk to me
• 46:09
  about your layers journey and what it's been like to be able
• 46:13
  to do that, to trade out the judgment for curiosity and
• 46:17
  empathy. You know, after going through
• 46:22
  it, so the two different books again, it's Notes from a
• 46:25
  BlackBerry and some Blackberries to Thorns.
• 46:28
  You know, it's the same character in both of them, but
• 46:32
  if you were to read the second book first, I think you'd be
• 46:35
  astonished to read the first book and vice versa.
• 46:38
  And the reason I say that is because in the first book, it's
• 46:41
  like I'm this hero 1 to everybody.
• 46:44
  You know, I'm I'm the mother, I'm the protector, I'm the
• 46:46
  caregiver. I'm doing everything I can.
• 46:50
  And in the second book, it's a completely different person.
• 46:53
  Now. It's not that I'm not doing the
• 46:55
  same thing. I'm just making different
• 46:57
  choices. And I have somebody in my life
• 47:00
  who's different than the first. So, you know, when you're
• 47:03
  talking about layers and why people do what people do, you
• 47:08
  know, how many times do people in my position get asked why did
• 47:11
  you say you stayed for so many complex reasons?
• 47:16
  And that's why, you know, I always go back to the first book
• 47:19
  because with the, you know, would I have gotten into the
• 47:22
  second relationship if if I hadn't had the trauma the first?
• 47:26
  I don't know. My guess is I would have because
• 47:29
  I am the same person regardless of making it through that.
• 47:34
  But I think again, that I used to, you know, I hated that I was
• 47:38
  a pleaser because I always felt like, you know, that people took
• 47:43
  advantage of me or that I wasn't strong enough to stand up for
• 47:47
  myself. But when push came to shove in
• 47:51
  both scenarios, when I had to stand up for myself, I did and I
• 47:55
  could. And that really proves to me
• 47:58
  that I being a pleaser is not a weak thing.
• 48:02
  It's not that I'm lacking. It's not that I don't have, you
• 48:05
  know, self esteem. It's not I, I am trying to curb
• 48:09
  a little bit of that because you can only give so much of
• 48:12
  yourself before you have nothing left for you.
• 48:15
  Exactly. But I, yeah, but I don't want, I
• 48:18
  also don't want people to harden themselves.
• 48:20
  You know, I, I do find this tear in myself.
• 48:24
  You know, I don't give people the same benefit of the doubt.
• 48:27
  I used to, or I'm quick to judge, probably quicker more
• 48:31
  than I used to be. But now I have that conscious
• 48:35
  thought of, you know, being discernive but also trying to
• 48:40
  find out why. But the difference is that I'm
• 48:45
  not trying to fix it anymore because I was always making
• 48:48
  like, I was trying to figure out why my ex-husband was so awful
• 48:52
  and why. And I was always making
• 48:54
  allowances like, oh, he had a bad upbringing.
• 48:57
  Oh, he's really hard. Like you can still feel that way
• 49:01
  for people and you can still give them empathy and you can
• 49:04
  still but don't give so much of yourself trying to fix somebody
• 49:10
  else because you will literally break yourself doing.
• 49:14
  It yeah yeah, it's such a good point there because those all
• 49:20
  those things they could have had the bat.
• 49:22
  They also get to choose what how they're gonna move forward with
• 49:26
  that. They can get therapy.
• 49:27
  They don't have to stay in that space.
• 49:30
  They can do get resources to help them heal.
• 49:33
  That's a conscious choice that they're making.
• 49:36
  And, and, and so it's like you don't have to abandon yourself
• 49:42
  to try to save someone who's not willing to do the work on
• 49:45
  themselves. Yeah, you should never have to.
• 49:49
  Never. I remember someone saying
• 49:51
  something about fighting for a relationship and, and my first
• 49:55
  thought after all of This is why would you ever fight for a
• 49:58
  relationship? And it's not working.
• 50:00
  Find somebody who's better for you and for them, because if
• 50:04
  you're not getting along with someone, neither one of you are
• 50:07
  happy. You're doing them no favors
• 50:09
  sticking around trying to make them better, because you're not.
• 50:13
  You're just making your both worse, you know?
• 50:15
  Absolutely. Whatever the whatever you think
• 50:18
  you have above the person you're with, that it's your job to make
• 50:22
  them a better person. You know that that's a complex
• 50:26
  thought in and of itself. And I do think that I had some
• 50:29
  of that, Like, I don't know why I thought that I was so, you
• 50:35
  know, capable of making somebody else better when I couldn't even
• 50:40
  figure out my own stuff. So I guess that's The thing is
• 50:42
  like, if you're feeling that way, focus on what's driving you
• 50:46
  rather than what's driving them. You can figure out their issues
• 50:49
  later. Figure out why you feel a need
• 50:51
  to put yourself below somebody else to help them rather than
• 50:56
  bringing out the best in yourself.
• 50:58
  Yeah, that curiosity, curious about where's this is coming
• 51:02
  from. Is this coming from a healthy
• 51:04
  place? What is driving this that's so
• 51:06
  important. Thank you so much.
• 51:07
  That's such great wisdom for people to apply in any of these
• 51:13
  situations you run into with relationships, and this goes
• 51:15
  really nicely into you have really come into this season of
• 51:19
  what I call living out feel, finding empowerment, embracing
• 51:24
  layers. You've talked about already how
• 51:26
  that is impacted not only your relationship with yourself, but
• 51:30
  how discerning you are in terms of your relationships with other
• 51:34
  people that you're asking yourself why the OK, why is this
• 51:38
  judgment coming up? Is this person safe?
• 51:41
  You've, you've learned that. Is there anything else you want
• 51:44
  to add to that of what's changed for you, not only and how you
• 51:48
  see yourself, but in your relationships?
• 51:57
  I don't know. Again, you know, like, and I'm
• 52:00
  working on this now. Yeah.
• 52:02
  So I think sometimes you can do too much of a backlash.
• 52:07
  You know, I, I think that I'm so quick now to be like, Nope,
• 52:12
  that's no good for me. That, you know, I, I, my
• 52:14
  boundaries have become so prominent that sometimes I'm, I
• 52:19
  think I need to be a little less forgiving and remember that
• 52:23
  human beings are all fallible, like no one is perfect.
• 52:27
  And you know that I really am trying to work on like things
• 52:30
  you can live with, things that you can't live with and things
• 52:34
  that you really can't live without and human connection and
• 52:38
  being connected to someone. Like I forget what it's like to
• 52:43
  be in. And I always say like, I'm
• 52:45
  feral, you know, like people ask me all the time and I'm like,
• 52:48
  I've been in like such a bad relationship for Ted.
• 52:51
  Like I'm literally feral. Like I'm not sure, but I could
• 52:54
  ever be. But you know, no, I hope that
• 52:58
  that doesn't change me forever because the, the amount of love
• 53:03
  and support and security that I felt my first marriage is
• 53:07
  something I hope everybody out there will find, will embrace
• 53:13
  and can, can experience. Because when you find that right
• 53:17
  person, they don't have to be perfect.
• 53:19
  They don't have to be the best looking.
• 53:21
  It's about literally finding one person that completes you.
• 53:27
  Not that you need to complete you, but you know that that is
• 53:31
  your end point. I always feel like, you know,
• 53:33
  we, you complement each other. You.
• 53:35
  You make. Like, yeah, there's life more
• 53:37
  complete. Exactly.
• 53:39
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 53:40
  So I, I guess if there's one thing that I can say is I always
• 53:45
  try not to let my second experience taint.
• 53:50
  You know, if I let go of that piece of myself that's willing
• 53:53
  to be vulnerable in, in a relationship, then I kind of
• 53:56
  feel like he's 1 and I don't want to do that.
• 53:59
  So I'm trying that, that vulnerable spot.
• 54:02
  Because once you, you know, I always say the reason why blue
• 54:07
  BlackBerry says don't have thorns is because it's to, you
• 54:10
  know, it's to protect the, the beautiful parts of it.
• 54:12
  But you know, I, I'm trying to like maybe dull up my thorns a
• 54:17
  little bit so. Yeah, thank you for that.
• 54:19
  So, I mean, and I think it's important to point out you and I
• 54:22
  talked about this when we met the first time, you know, your
• 54:25
  first husband, you guys went wait, came back.
• 54:27
  I mean, you grew up together and then you came back together a
• 54:30
  little bit later. But you had that, that trust,
• 54:33
  you had that bond you have. But also, I think it's for you
• 54:37
  such a good reminder of like, I know what healthy looks like.
• 54:40
  I am being able to tap back into that part of yourself.
• 54:45
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone was asking me yesterday
• 54:49
  if I had any advice for people who are stuck in these
• 54:52
  relationships that don't ever get any better.
• 54:55
  And so the the 24 year old girl that I already spoke of, she
• 54:59
  sent me a video a while ago. And it was of herself when she
• 55:03
  was breaking down and really at her lowest point, she had, you
• 55:06
  know, done the same seven time breakup and back together and
• 55:10
  she recorded herself. And it broke my heart.
• 55:14
  You know, she was talking to herself and she was saying,
• 55:17
  like, look at me right now. This is what you need to
• 55:20
  remember. And I think that it's important
• 55:23
  for all of us to do something like that to both when we're in
• 55:27
  a good place and when we're not in a good place.
• 55:30
  Because it's so easy when the pendulum swings to forget the
• 55:35
  other side of it and to excuse things that you shouldn't
• 55:39
  because in that moment it feels right and it feels good.
• 55:43
  So, you know, maybe to make a video diary of like what what
• 55:49
  you will accept and what you won't when you're at your
• 55:51
  happiest or when you're at your least happy so that you have
• 55:54
  that to go back to remind yourself of what's really
• 55:57
  important and what happens when you overlook something or what
• 56:01
  happens when you don't take an opportunity that you should.
• 56:03
  Yeah. Clarity on those non
• 56:05
  negotiables. Yeah, Really.
• 56:07
  Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
• 56:09
  All right, we're getting ready to wrap up here.
• 56:11
  Tell me 5 activities that nourish you probably.
• 56:21
  Vacationing with my kids, love that my dogs even though they've
• 56:27
  been getting very naughty lately.
• 56:31
  I'm a huge exercise person, so anytime I can get outdoors and
• 56:35
  and run, I love nothing more than just have like a quiet
• 56:40
  evening sitting down discussing, you know, the end of your day
• 56:45
  with the person who means the most to you.
• 56:49
  Is that four and five? Finally having my house cleaned?
• 56:54
  Not by me. Yeah.
• 56:58
  What a. Gift.
• 56:58
  I know that's such a wonderful thing, especially when you got
• 57:00
  kids running around. Oh man, that is that is a
• 57:04
  powerful gift. I love that. 5 words on how you
• 57:07
  want to feel the next six months.
• 57:12
  Peaceful, motivated, enthusiastic, safe and warm.
• 57:20
  Because it's freezing in my hands.
• 57:22
  Right now, I know, Oh my gosh, it's not good when the heat's
• 57:27
  not working. Oh my goodness.
• 57:30
  Tell people a little bit more about the services that are
• 57:33
  offered through your nonprofit and how they can get access to
• 57:38
  that. So as I think you mentioned
• 57:42
  earlier, we're kind of in our infancy where we, we, my
• 57:46
  original thought was I want to give mortgages, I want to give.
• 57:50
  And then once I really got into it, as we spoke earlier, there
• 57:53
  are so many services out there that you don't even know about.
• 57:56
  But when you hit crisis, you don't have time to Google it,
• 57:59
  fill out applications, you know, whatever you're, you can or
• 58:03
  you're not eligible for, you don't have time to figure it
• 58:05
  out. So you go straight to the
• 58:06
  government. The government's like, well,
• 58:08
  when you lose everything, come back.
• 58:10
  So what we're trying to do is build databases of the landscape
• 58:15
  of charitable organizations out there from, you know, people
• 58:19
  that will take your dog and foster them until you find a new
• 58:22
  home. You know, these little things
• 58:23
  that you don't know about. So when you come to our
• 58:26
  organization, we listen to where you're at, we listen to your
• 58:30
  situation. And what we try to do is provide
• 58:32
  a road map for you like it's a concierge service where all
• 58:36
  these people, they'll pay for three months of your mortgage,
• 58:39
  call these people. And for anything outlying that,
• 58:43
  we hope to bridge that gap and provide services.
• 58:46
  And usually that's legal fees because unfortunately, you know,
• 58:49
  that's not really covered by anybody.
• 58:52
  But. More importantly, I think, you
• 58:54
  know, what I've found is just helping women feel like they can
• 59:00
  do it. And they're not alone.
• 59:01
  You know, I, I have people say to me all the time like, I
• 59:04
  couldn't have done it without you.
• 59:06
  And my answer to them is always you could have, but you lost
• 59:10
  yourself. And all I was was a mirror that
• 59:12
  reminded you of what you were actually capable of because
• 59:16
  you're so downtrodden, you're so beaten.
• 59:19
  It feels so unattainable, but when someone comes to you and
• 59:23
  says do as women, right, just give, tell me what I got to do
• 59:28
  and I'll get it done. That is what our organization
• 59:31
  wants to do is give you the road map, tell you who to call, set
• 59:34
  you up. And you know, that way you can
• 59:37
  focus when you really need to because unfortunately, when you
• 59:40
  hit, you know, crisis like a sick husband or or divorce, you
• 59:45
  know that is when your children need you to the most.
• 59:48
  Yet that is the time that you are distracted.
• 59:50
  The, you know, as you're looking for resources, you're spinning,
• 59:53
  you're doing a tailspin. And if we can just take out the
• 59:57
  major components so that you can just like be present for your
• 1:00:01
  children, figure out your own emotions instead of being on
• 1:00:04
  high alert with everything, then you know that that's all we want
• 1:00:07
  to do. Whether that's mentoring or
• 1:00:09
  providing resources, just taking apart your situation and helping
• 1:00:13
  you put it back together. So if you go to my website,
• 1:00:17
  which is juliebarthauthor.com, there's tabs for to reach out,
• 1:00:23
  to get involved, to donate. And then my daughter whose
• 1:00:26
  special needs her art is on there as well.
• 1:00:28
  And all the proceeds from the sale of her art go to fund the
• 1:00:31
  charity. So OK, all in one place.
• 1:00:33
  Yeah, great. Thank you so much for that.
• 1:00:35
  And don't worry listeners, that's going to be on our
• 1:00:37
  website at embracinglayers.com on our resources page.
• 1:00:41
  Julie Barth, thank you. Thank you so much for joining
• 1:00:44
  me. Thank you for how you show up in
• 1:00:47
  the world. You're incredible.
• 1:00:51
  I think your story is, it is mind blowing.
• 1:00:54
  I, I think I told you the first time I met you, I'm like, I feel
• 1:00:56
  like I'm watching a Netflix movie or something.
• 1:00:59
  I mean. My gosh.
• 1:01:00
  But you have been to a stranger thing that you haven't.
• 1:01:03
  Yes, you never know. I know.
• 1:01:06
  No kidding. I even think we need to talk to
• 1:01:07
  Reese Witherspoon about these books and, you know, see if we
• 1:01:11
  can do something here. But I think the way you've taken
• 1:01:14
  these experiences and you're now you're you've tapped back into
• 1:01:18
  who you are and you're, and you're utilizing all of these
• 1:01:23
  strengths that you have to help and support other women.
• 1:01:25
  And it's beautiful and I appreciate you so much.
• 1:01:29
  Thank you so much for being with me today.
• 1:01:31
  So thankful to Julie Barth, check out her resources and if
• 1:01:36
  you're needing support in finding yourself, finding who
• 1:01:39
  you are, getting the strength, want to feel like you've got
• 1:01:42
  community, like we mentioned, Julie's resources are there.
• 1:01:45
  We are there to support you here at at the Embracing Layers
• 1:01:48
  Network, go to embracinglayers.com.
• 1:01:51
  I'm now offering services where I'm working with women
• 1:01:54
  one-on-one. I've got an online course I we
• 1:01:57
  have our book. Let's help you and get you in
• 1:02:01
  living your fuel fueled life. And then we've got all these
• 1:02:04
  resources in our network that we can point you to for that
• 1:02:07
  additional support you need. Take good care of yourselves
• 1:02:10
  this week. Remember you have it all in you
• 1:02:13
  already. And we'll see you next time on
• 1:02:15
  the Field podcast. Hello and thank you so much for
• 1:02:19
  being with us today on this episode of the field podcast.
• 1:02:23
  If you would like more information on how you can apply
• 1:02:27
  by these talking points that I share with our guests in each
• 1:02:31
  episode to your own life, really utilize this feel framework, go
• 1:02:36
  to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form and let's set
• 1:02:41
  up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how you can start
• 1:02:47
  living your most authentic, organic, healthy, feel fueled
• 1:02:52
  life. Thanks again for being with us
• 1:02:54
  today. We'll be back to you soon with
• 1:02:56
  another episode here on the Field podcast.