Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #132 — I Don't Care About Your Trauma
Transcript
- speaker-0: I have been spending a lot of time in contemplation. Would that be the right word? I don't know if I really know the exact definition. But intuitively it feels like a fit. It could fit the word. But I have been giving a lot of thought around forgiveness. And just thinking a lot about what is forgiveness and what does it look like and what does it feel like? Like how do you know you've truly, fully forgiven someone? Because in my experience thus far I'm It's like I'm I'm having a little difficulty in certain things. But i I know that's not a I know this is not like a a definite state, the state of that I'm in and I and I realize that I feel like forgiveness is not linear. I feel like it's not just something that you do. Because I hear people say, Well, I just one day I just decided, you know, I wasn't gonna allow this to bother me any bother me anymore and not live you know, rule my life and I I just forgave them. And I'm like, mm Did you or did you not? Are you sure? Did you? Are you sure you did? Because sometimes I I see people and this is just through my observation in life, that those are the people that said, I just decided one day, yes, that was it, I'm done. I'm and I forgive them, I forgave them. But those are also the people that constantly talk about it. they're talking about it all the time to whoever will listen. You know, or i it's it's it comes up often. So in my mind, no, you really haven't forgiven anyone. Because if you did then you wouldn't even feel the need to bring it up or talk about it. Because it would be a neutral for you. You know, it would be a neutral. And I just feel like Logically, psychologically, I understand not understand, maybe that's not, but I could see why, right? I can be analytical, okay, and I can be an observer, okay, and I could be very clinical about it, right? And say, okay, because of this person's what happened to them in life and their trauma, you know, it it kicked into this person and then now they feel like they're in survival mode. They feel threatened, they're in survival mode, and so then they do this which harms you or harms that person. So you could like I could I could get in all the iterations and as to different perspectives and perceptions of, you know, whatever. I get it. I can I can understand it in in that way and the the clinical, rational, logical way. But I'm in the space of I don't give a fuck about your trauma. Fuck you and your trauma. Fuck off. I don't care about your trauma. I'm I only am like, I'm sitting and wallowing in mind currently, you know? And and I I battled with myself because I was like, God no, you gotta, you know, like just you gotta be the bigger person. Fuck you, says who. Says who I need to be the bigger person. Maybe I don't want to be the bigger person. Maybe I'm always the bigger person. Maybe I don't feel like being the better person. You know, the the the bigger, you know, like, I'm gonna let this go. No, fuck you. I'm not I don't wanna do that. I'm angry. And I think sometimes we forget that it's okay to be angry. You know, I fight my anger so much to the point that I shame myself for it. When really that anger, that rage is is just there to it's just trying to show me something. It's protecting me. Because for me, you know, it's just a it's a placeholder for for deep grief, for feeling For having such betrayal and it's it's so the thought of actually feeling it is scary for me. 'Cause it's just so I'm just like my body and my mind is still in shock, right? But I know it's gonna hit me, you know, so I'm I'm just doing the very best I can to take care of myself, but am I? Kind of 'cause yes and no. I'm somewhat sabotaging myself. Because again, I know that I have to come to terms with certain things, surrender to certain things, and feel the feelings. But god damn it, I don't wanna do it. I I'm fighting myself. I know I am. And this is where the shame comes in, right? And that that very that I'm bullying myself and there's that inner critic of you've gotta do more, like you're fucking this up, you gotta do the right thing, and bah bah. And like, my gosh. And so that it's it's like a this combination of that manager part of me, that inner critic, you know, that that's shaming me in order to get me to do something because that piece of me is protecting me but it's also a voice of the past, a voice that's not even mine because of how I was I was raised and I was you d you you your dis shame was a form of discipline if that you know so that's that's something that I do to myself, you know. And so I have to separate that voice from the true vo voice of who I am, but also honor that and witness and sit with that voice and speak with with her. That's my manner. Her name is Susan. Cause I used to be like, fuck you, Susan, shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you, Susan. Just sit the fuck down. Sit the fuck down, Susan. Shut up, sit down. Like, bitch, go. I'm tired of your ass. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Stupid bitch. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Go away. I don't like you. But now I'm shaming her. I'm shaming this piece of me, right? I'm shaming that piece of me. Instead of being curious and asking her questions. Hey Susan, what's going on? Why are you feeling the need to bully? Because nobody listens to me. Because you wait until the last minute. Ba-ba-ba-whate it is she has to say. And then you just sit with her a little longer. And then she's like, Because I'm scared. Because I'm scared that we're gonna fuck this up. And I don't want to fuck this up. Because we we were taught that love is conditional. We have to, you know, be a good girl in order to be loved. Love was performative. And if you did something wrong, if you fucked up, you got in a lot of trouble. You got in a lot of trouble. You know, got shamed or yelled at or got a spanking or got the belt or you got in trouble after school and had to stay after school and then That teacher brought you home after detention, but not really. Not before he brought him brought you to his house. So it's like, d no, no, no, no, we can't fuck up, right? So she's protecting me. She's like, I'm scared. I'm scared. And so I have to have a conversation with her too and and listen, but then say, Hey. Thank you. Thank you for protecting me. This has been really hard for you to carry all this weight. You know, all this weight on you, and you you're having to h hold all this worry to keep us safe. That was a huge job. Thank you. And I and I speak to her. And then I I feel her soften. And I hear her go, Yeah, that was a lot. And I feel this weight that's begins to release from me. And I say, Thank you. I just want to honor you. Thank you for that. And and I and I just sit with her. I just sit with her and I love her. And then she she talks to me and she says, I'm really I'm scared. What what am I gonna do? You know, there's that my manager, Susan, my internal that piece, that critic, and and she says, Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? This is all I've ever known. You know, so she's scared. She's like, Are you you know, you I see you, I I you're getting so strong and you're doing all this work and I I know that you don't need me anymore, and that scares me. so Susan revs up she revs up the criticism and the bullying just to keep me in place to make sure that I remember that she's needed, that I need her. And I say, my gosh, Susan, no, I'm never gonna she's afraid now she's gonna become this exile. Like, no, Susan. I love you. You're a part of me. You know, and I'm a part of and I would never do that to you. P Maybe we can just soften a little bit. Maybe we can have more conversations like this and we can sit with each other so that we can maybe learn and to work together instead of against each other. Because I know that there's so much I can learn from you. There's so much. And so this is this is like the coming home. This is the okay, I'm I've I've gotta and I don't have to, right? This is my I feel guided and this is my choice to Really go a lot deeper. Cause sometimes people are like, Girl, aren't you over it? You know, like don't you think you've healed enough? Like, don't you think by examining and there is truth to this, I'm not gonna lie. You know, people will say, Don't think you've gone deep enough? Like, don't you feel like you're just re-traumatizing yourself over and over again? Like you're reliving or you're going deeper or whatever and and to me I'm like, no, I'm not. It's a way for me to understand myself at a deeper level. And I genuinely enjoy that and I genuinely get excited by that. Because I I also know that I'm meant to do something with that. You know, I that I'm meant to help people in some way. Because I think sometimes we get nervous to talk about things or we feel shame, you know. Or we feel awkward. And it's scary. It's scary to show people the I don't want to say the real side of us because we don't have one real side. Like it's scary to show people every version of yourself. Because there's so many different we have so many different faces, at least I do. I know I do. And then and some people go like, I never know who I'm gonna get. They're so fake. But n no, y this is all part of me. I'm just like authentic enough to admit that. I'm not one version of me. I'm in many different versions of me and I like that about me and I don't know. It's like, okay, today I want to be whimsy, today I want to be serious, you know, I want to be the you know, the the the booktrovert booktrovert you know, I want to sit here and read my book in the coffee shop or today I wanna be silly and I wanna go play with my kids my friend's kid, or just whatever. Or today I'm going to be that really sultry, dark, feminine energy. Or, you know, I'm gonna be like so soft and you know, in this is this goddess energy. whatever it is. But that's all part of me. Or I might be la that feisty. salty bitch that's ready to that wants to fight that wants to, you know, curse you out because I feel like it. 'Cause I've got those moments too. You know, so but they're all pieces of me. They're all a part of me. You know? And I love all those parts of me. And sometimes there's days that I'm a fucking I'm neurotic and I'm anxious filled with anxiety and, you know, whatever. I'm having like these insane flashbacks and I'm crying on the floor in a fetal position. that's just the truth. This is that's just another part of me. And there's a part of me that's gets really fucking melancholy. I'm like prone to melancholy. And it's just, and so those are all the pieces of me and I love all those pieces of me because those are what make me me and give me all the different unique perspectives and And when I love myself, how we hold space for ourselves is how we hold space for For others. So by me loving all these pieces of me, it helps me genuinely to love other people. Just as they are. Good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. Because I think that's the road to unconditional love. You've gotta practice it on yourself before you can practice it on another. I mean you could do it simultaneously, right? But if you're Always you're never quite at peace with yourself, then how could you possibly be at peace with another fully? And I don't know, can we get to a state where we're just perfectly content with this 100% steady flow of unconditional love? I don't know, maybe. I think for me it's it's it gonna be a practice. And it's going to be a lifelong practice and this eternal evolving art of who I am and who we all are. And I love that. I love that we can that we can change, that we can grow, that we can evolve, that we can literally what in whatever breath you choose change your entire existence. You can, right? And so I guess that goes back to forgiveness. So I guess maybe you could, right? Perhaps you could, may at perhaps you could do the same thing for forgiveness. In that moment, just boom. I'm just gonna change my existence and part of that is changing of existence is forgiveness. I don't know. I'm not sure that I could do that. Perhaps we all have different paths in life. Perhaps my path is meant to my mission. Part of my mission is to experience all these things at such a deep level. So that I can ponder, so that I could be curious, so I could sit in the void and speak with spirit and receive those messages, you know, the that guidance, the wisdom, the truth, the clarity, the secrets of the universe, so that I I can share and help others to remember the power that they hold within themselves. goodness darling, I don't even know. I feel like I always end. The same way with thing I don't know. I can't remember. I suppose this is just another voice note to the universe.