Latest / Real Talk Real Healing / Ep 8: Triggers Are Teachers: What Your Emotional Reactions Are Trying to Tell You

Transcript

Ep 8: Triggers Are Teachers: What Your Emotional Reactions Are Trying to Tell You · Real Talk Real Healing

• 0:00
  Hey y'all, this is Desi.
• 0:02
  And this is Lisa.
• 0:03
  Welcome to our podcast, Real Talk Real Healing, where we support women through their healing journey.
• 0:08
  Through raw stories, authentic dialogue, and uncomfortable but very necessary conversations, we explore the full range of emotions, energetic, spirituality, and physical well-being that come with being human.
• 0:19
  We believe in a world filled with filters and service-level messages that healing begins with truth and a little bit of magic.
• 0:27
  Hello and welcome back to another podcast, episode eight, where we're going to be diving into triggers.
• 0:33
  I'm so excited to bring this topic to you.
• 0:35
  I know this is near and dear to Lisa and I's heart.
• 0:38
  And you know, most people think that a trigger is just something that bothers them, but a trigger is actually so much deeper than that.
• 0:43
  And it's your body reacting to something that hasn't been processed.
• 0:47
  So we're going to be diving into all the ways that triggers are a blessing for us, even though they may not feel like it at the time, how to move through them and how to use them for your superpower.
• 0:56
  So we're going to dive in.
• 0:58
  Yes.
• 0:59
  This one is really going to be a little deeper than maybe you're used to.
• 1:04
  So I would recommend to be a little open-minded on what might come through and also give yourself a lot of grace and permission for what also might come through because we may bring up some memories and everything that will come through that will recognize the triggers.
• 1:20
  And we're going to bring up different examples.
• 1:23
  Also, just give yourself permission to understand and have that awareness of what might come through.
• 1:28
  Yes.
• 1:29
  So we may trigger you on the spot.
• 1:32
  Literally, actually.
• 1:34
  Yeah.
• 1:34
  A great opportunity to put into practice what we're going to share with you today.
• 1:38
  So with so much love, triggers are really just an area of opportunity of growth for us.
• 1:43
  Yes, absolutely.
• 1:44
  So what a trigger actually is, and we want to reframe this a little bit as well during this conversation.
• 1:50
  And hopefully you can take this with you moving forward because a lot of times triggers, like Desi said, it's it's negative or it it feels like it's hard, or you have to heal from it, and all these things that we kind of set standards and expectations on.
• 2:06
  But really, all it is is just an emotional reaction that feels bigger than the actual moment.
• 2:11
  And I also want to preface that triggers and trauma, like there's bigger ones and there's also little ones.
• 2:18
  So even if it may feel like some trauma that you've lived through was like big tea trauma or little tea trauma, like triggers are very similar as well.
• 2:26
  It's your body just remembering what in a moment what happened and how you felt, and your body is literally living through it again.
• 2:33
  So it activates a deeper unresolved feeling and an unresolved emotion.
• 2:37
  So this is coming from past experiences and it's not the present moment most of the time.
• 2:42
  Um, so this is your reminder that it's just an awareness, it's just an observation and just noticing what is happening and and allowing yourself to work through it at a later time if you need to, or just allow yourself to come to and just be present with whatever you're feeling.
• 2:59
  So this is an understanding.
• 3:01
  Um, and you can, and we're going to go into a little bit of a couple of steps to kind of work through it in real time or come back to it later because that's also very important.
• 3:11
  Sometimes we have a trigger that comes up and we have a reaction and we're like, where did that even come from?
• 3:16
  Or I wish I didn't react that way.
• 3:18
  And we'll get into this, but you know, we're going to give you some tools of of how to pause and how to reflect and how to actually understand it a little bit more.
• 3:28
  So just a reminder this is not anything wrong, you're not deemed wrong, you're not, you know, bad or anything like that.
• 3:34
  And that's what we really want to drive home in this episode today.
• 3:37
  So this is really just trying to teach you something.
• 3:39
  But again, trigger is just unresolved emotions.
• 3:43
  It's just an emotion that's been suppressed, that's hasn't been looked at, hasn't been felt, hasn't been seen.
• 3:48
  And we're gonna get into that more uh through this episode, but it's just connected to a past experience and how to dive a little deeper into it is going to be such a great tool for you throughout this episode and reminder that we're not perfect, we're human, we're all living an experience at the same time, and it's going to look different for everybody as well.
• 4:11
  I think the biggest part that you're gonna hear from our experiences and you're gonna also reflect on is that we literally make meaning out of everything.
• 4:19
  And when a trailer comes up, when an emotion comes up, and it's a sim, and it could be a simple, simple uh situation that happens and you all of a sudden react, you feel the anger bubble up, you feel the anxiety, you feel the pressure, you feel the shutting down already happening because you're so frustrated, you're you're feeling abandoned, basically, you know, in your own body and in your own situation when it could be as simple as like someone didn't take out the trash, you know, and you're getting triggered by it because you're and and it's like what the heck?
• 4:51
  Like why it's so simple where yesterday you didn't get triggered by it, but today you did, what the heck?
• 4:56
  You know, and just allowing yourself, what is this meaning for me and what is the actual truth?
• 5:02
  And I can tell you that triggers are patterns, these are something that is a repeated emotional reaction.
• 5:09
  It allows you to again look at it a different lens, be present with it and allow yourself to see what feelings are actually coming up because maybe it's the trash this day, maybe it's something else the next day, but it's the same feeling that's gonna come up and the same uh emotion that is going to be trying to be expressed.
• 5:27
  It's going to be trying to um be expressed through you, through the body, because the body just that's the only way the body knows how to communicate is through this emotion.
• 5:38
  And whether you react or whether you respond is going to be up to you, and that's why this podcast episode is going to be a deep dive and an understanding of where you're at in this in this process.
• 5:49
  And and nothing, again, nothing against what you're doing, nothing's wrong, anything like that, but allowing yourself the space to recognize.
• 5:57
  And um, that's the big thing for both me and Desi that we always bring our clients and and whoever we talk to, and even just each other, that we allow ourselves to to recognize and be present with what is and give ourselves grace during that time as well, because we are human as well, and we go through triggers and moments that feels like what the heck, we already healed this, and you know, and it's like wise is back again, and um, you know, so it's it's just the grace part of it and the permission to feel it, heal it, and allow it to come through because the emotions just want to be expressed.
• 6:31
  And we we mentioned this on a different episode.
• 6:33
  You just need to express the emotions of just energy that is still in the body and allowing that to come through.
• 6:39
  Beautiful.
• 6:41
  Okay, I'm really excited for this conversation because I know that I've been triggered a lot by people, places, and things that I would hope sometimes like didn't trigger me so much, or I have triggered people and I'm like, wait, what did I do?
• 6:56
  I didn't know I was doing that.
• 6:58
  And if you know anything about human design, I am a manifesting generator three five uh profile.
• 7:05
  And part of that is being a mirror for other people's triggers, which isn't an easy task in this lifetime.
• 7:13
  And so once I found that out, I'm like, okay, that at least that helps a little bit, right?
• 7:17
  Like, at least I'm triggering people with purpose because I'm I'm just being myself.
• 7:21
  I'm just showing up, I'm just like asking questions and being authentic and showing up my bubbly self and I'm triggering people, and I'm like, oh, you know, that's it's not fun to trigger people, and also like there's so much purpose with it.
• 7:32
  And so if you take anything away today, it's really that what is being shown through the triggers is the unhealed areas in your life that are still not healed, and as frustrating as that can be, it is so reassuring to know, like, oh, okay, I can heal this thing that is bothering me.
• 7:51
  And so I I I want to start actually before we get into some of this deeper um stuff with the triggers, I want to explain like how the how triggers can work and be so different for people.
• 8:01
  So me and Lisa will take this as a example.
• 8:04
  We're going to a restaurant, we're going out to eat, we're sitting down, we're sitting there for a while.
• 8:09
  I'm really like thirsty, and I'm like really hoping that the waitress is gonna come over, the server, and she's not coming over, and then she comes over and she takes our order, and I'm like, I look to Lisa and I'm like, oh my god, she had like such attitude.
• 8:21
  Did you notice that?
• 8:22
  And Lisa's like, Well, what are you talking about?
• 8:24
  I didn't notice any of that, right?
• 8:25
  So, like, I could have had an experience previously from another server that was really rude, that was really bad.
• 8:33
  So now I have this perceived perception that if they don't come over and take my order right away, if they don't greet us and if they aren't polite and nice, that they are being rude, even if she wasn't being rude, right?
• 8:43
  So you have to think about triggers or personal triggers.
• 8:46
  And so if you think of a snow globe, actually, my husband bought me a snow globe.
• 8:50
  Uh, it has 2022 on it, or yeah, 2022 on it.
• 8:54
  And this is a big analogy that my coach was using at the time.
• 8:56
  And so our snow globe are all of our experiences, all our lived experiences with our loved ones, with past boyfriends and exes and teachers and our thoughts, our emotions, all of that, right?
• 9:08
  So when you shake up that snow globe, all these things around you, this is my snow globe, right?
• 9:13
  Lisa has a snow globe, and that's her experience with her snow globe, right?
• 9:16
  So if we're looking at triggers like things that have happened to us throughout our lifetime, these are how our triggers show up differently for everybody because again, we can have the same exact experience.
• 9:28
  I could be triggered and Lisa would not be triggered, right?
• 9:31
  So, again, that is the opportunity for us to be like, okay, what's here from it?
• 9:34
  Okay, well, when I was five years old, the server was super rude to me and yelled at me because I was on the floor playing with, you know, I was a kid and I got yelled at in the server.
• 9:44
  And ever since then, I have this perception that servers are rude and I don't like them.
• 9:48
  So is that actually true every time I go out to eat?
• 9:51
  No.
• 9:52
  But that's how I'm perceiving it.
• 9:54
  So a lot of these triggers come from our childhood, come from our inner child, comes from the unhealed little girl that's inside of us right now that is begging to be seen.
• 10:05
  And so when we have unmet needs and we have these emotional wounds that are still festering in our body and our subconscious and the way that we think and our thoughts and our beliefs, then those are gonna come up and they're gonna show up for us.
• 10:19
  And I have an example that I was thinking of right now with my husband, like we've been together for 12 years and I don't know how long it was into the relationship, but you we had to start talking about more money and have more conversations about money.
• 10:31
  And it was just this weird time frame that no matter what what we talked about when it came to money, like we would end up in some kind of argument.
• 10:39
  And we would, I wouldn't be able to handle the emotions that came up, and then I would end up yelling or like lashing out, and it was this for a long time that went on, and I was like, oh my god, I'm my parents right now.
• 10:50
  I cannot believe that I'm fighting with my partner about money, and like literally every day growing up, my parents fought about money, right?
• 10:56
  So here I am having the same experience now with my partner because we're talking about money and I don't know how to talk about money, and so there was a lot of childhood wounds that I had to really work through.
• 11:07
  So we don't fight about money anymore.
• 11:09
  We sit down, we have a conversation, it's very calm, but it took a lot of work for us to get there.
• 11:13
  It wasn't something that was simple, and so that is just one example of a trigger and a wound that was unhealed from my childhood.
• 11:20
  I mean, we've been 30.
• 11:22
  So I was 30 years old, and we were like still having these fights about money.
• 11:26
  And it's it's interesting when we really start analyzing and looking at what are some of my parents' behaviors that I'm take took on, what are some of my beliefs around money and relationships and uh you know other areas of your life and how you show up and start really like looking into like how did my parents handle this?
• 11:43
  And I'm am I doing that?
• 11:45
  Because chances are there's some areas in your life where you are being reflective of what your parents did when you were younger, you may realize it, maybe you don't realize it, but this there's a lot of things that triggers that came from your little girl that are still coming out.
• 12:01
  So I know when my me and my husband would get into little arguments, like I would immediately lash out.
• 12:06
  And a lot of this came from you know ages 13 to 15.
• 12:10
  We have a lot of emotional reactivity, so it's we in those ages, we're like really coming into our adulthood, we're coming a teenager, we're like starting to understand ourselves a lot more.
• 12:22
  And we're in those ages, like if we're not really calm and we're not getting what we need from our parents and we're not getting reassurance, and we're not getting somebody who's telling us that we're doing a good job, right?
• 12:32
  We can be easily triggered, we can start shut, you know, start shutting down, lashing out, or feeling really overwhelmed by our emotions.
• 12:39
  And so that will continue to come into our adulthood with us because we never went back to that little girl to be like, hey, I'm sorry you didn't get listened to.
• 12:48
  Oh, that really hurt.
• 12:49
  And I hear you.
• 12:50
  You're not in trouble for crying, you're not in trouble for failing or getting an F, right?
• 12:55
  Like all these things that are happening to us that our parents didn't give us in that time frame are still showing up into today.
• 13:01
  So being really curious, what are some of the things from childhood that are still showing up for us?
• 13:07
  So it can be like feeling small, feeling rejected, needing validation, a fear of abandonment, some of the patterns that can show up as well, like in our mindset and like who we are.
• 13:19
  We're thinking like I have to do it all alone, like I can't ask for help, so I don't ask anybody, I don't ask for help.
• 13:24
  And then we're praying the martyr because everything's so hard for us, or we play the victim.
• 13:28
  I know for me, a lot of years I played like the victim, like, of course this is happening to me.
• 13:32
  Oh, life is so hard, right?
• 13:34
  I lived in that mentality for so many years, and you know, really being worried about what other people think of you, right?
• 13:41
  What do other people think of me?
• 13:42
  How am I being perceived?
• 13:43
  How am I being, you know, how am I showing up?
• 13:45
  These are all wounds from childhoods that can be very easily triggered from our day-to-day, right?
• 13:50
  Like Lisa could make a comment to me and I'd be like, oh my god, that means people think of this of me.
• 13:54
  And now I'm feeling triggered in my body and my heart sinking into my stomach, and oh my god, what did I do?
• 13:59
  I said something stupid, ah, right?
• 14:01
  And so if we don't have the tools and the awareness, like, okay, that's a trigger from my 13-year-old self who got left out and her friends didn't want to be friends with her anymore.
• 14:10
  That's what I've been working through lately.
• 14:12
  Um, as I'm coming into building something new and asking people to join me.
• 14:16
  And so, you know, those are all ways that we can be triggered when we don't heal our inner child.
• 14:21
  And so, with that, I have something very exciting coming up that I would love to invite all of our listeners to.
• 14:28
  As you know, I am an inner child coach and I help women come back to their little girl so that when they are feeling disconnected or left out or abandoned or frustrated, that they are able to meet that little girl with so much love and so much grace.
• 14:40
  Or if you want to go outside and play and have so much fun and tap into that little girl and go onto the slides like I did today and blow bubbles, like you have access to her.
• 14:48
  So I have built an eight-day online event called Sacred Return Little Girl Big Exhale, where I'm gonna be teaching you exactly how to do all that, how to connect with her, how to be in sync with her and what she needs and helping her heal those wounds.
• 15:03
  I also have other speakers speakers coming in to experience um to share their expertise on inner child healing.
• 15:10
  Lisa's gonna be one of them who's gonna come in and share with us and uh her magic.
• 15:14
  And so if you are interested, that it starts June 14th from the 25th, and we meet for eight days throughout that time frame, and you can see in the show notes and sign up.
• 15:24
  It's completely free.
• 15:26
  So get your friends, get your besties, and come join us.
• 15:29
  But um, yeah, I'm really excited.
• 15:31
  I think I covered everything.
• 15:34
  I'm so excited for it.
• 15:35
  I think it it's so important this work, and especially bringing up triggers and just the fact that Desi has this as perfect timing because it is a way to dive deeper on these triggers and really understand your emotions and where they're coming from.
• 15:50
  So highly recommend signing up because I'll be there too.
• 15:55
  Um, so triggers.
• 15:58
  Hopefully, you guys listened to Desi and really picked up a couple of pieces and really resonate with different areas of your life now that Desi shared quite a few uh examples and quite a few reasons on why you're missing this connection to the little girl that is actually reacting and not your actual self right now in this present moment.
• 16:20
  So this this happens in real life, of course, right?
• 16:23
  So exactly Desi said, this is why we make so much meaning and why triggers, you know, are such a big part of our life, and it's not bad.
• 16:32
  It's just because we're understanding our own experience in this real life, and someone else's different experiences is can be completely different, just like she said about the restaurant example, you know, and it could be so many different things that could come through, but it could be so small, and we're just like, oh my god, they looked at me wrong, you know, or whatever could happen.
• 16:52
  And you know, you could either react or respond to it in a different way.
• 16:56
  I actually a funny, I think I shared this on the other one of the other podcasts where it could even be somebody else, just like Desi said, like someone got triggered by you and they react and you're and you learn like I don't have to respond to that because that's not my energy, that like that's their their own risk trigger.
• 17:12
  And I think I shared this on another one where I was driving, was totally out of it, and someone was flipping me off, and I'm just like, oh, I had no idea that like what did I do?
• 17:22
  I really didn't think I did absolutely anything, and it just kind of brushed it off.
• 17:25
  I'm like, wow, like he was clearly triggered by me, but whatever I did because I cut him off apparently or something.
• 17:31
  I don't know.
• 17:32
  Um well, like when you're like if I'm going 80 and you like you want to go faster than 80, like you can go around me because I'm already going like 15 over the speed limit, and then they get so mad, and I'm like, well, I don't know, maybe I'm supposed to get over, maybe not, but I'm like already going fast.
• 17:48
  And then if you want to get mad at me, like I'm not I'm not sweating it.
• 17:51
  That's on you.
• 17:52
  Yeah, it's exactly.
• 17:54
  And I think it's it's such a great way to approach triggers too, because again, it's gonna happen, you know, and you don't have to make them a big ordeal every single time.
• 18:04
  So this is your opportunity to be like, oh, okay, this is just information.
• 18:09
  This is just something that I can look into, or have I noticed that this the same emotions come up recently and how do I want to work through it now?
• 18:18
  And I can tell that Desi has shared, you know, different things.
• 18:21
  And and in real life too, it happens where you know, you notice these patterns, where you notice these different parts of you as a kid that have have had these patterns and how they react come through as well, you know, in this real time, where I know for me, I am definitely more of a on the peer pleaser side of things, and where it's like if someone has a reaction, doesn't invite me, whatever it is, or or reacts or does something in a way that I don't agree with, you know, it's like I shut down, I get quiet, I shut down because I don't want to, I don't want to be in conflict, you know, and I think conflict is bad.
• 18:57
  And, you know, that is sometimes what I work through, you know, in different in partners and relationships and friendships and whatever it is in my real life that happens where I just don't want to, I think fighting is bad, I think arguing is bad, I don't want it to get there.
• 19:12
  And it's it's working through real-time moments of being like, why do I why do I feel this way?
• 19:19
  And this is gonna be even be just about meaning it in your own relationship, you know, like if you exactly that, like arguing to me maybe means bad bad, you know, or like we're gonna fail and like you know, we're never gonna talk again, or it's gonna be a big major thing.
• 19:34
  But when you look at it in a different light and reframe it a little bit more, okay, well, let's let's just communicate.
• 19:41
  We can communicate amicably or or understand each other better, you know.
• 19:46
  This is a way to go deeper instead of just avoid it instead of brushing it off.
• 19:50
  And because guess what?
• 19:51
  When you avoid it and when you suppress it, it's gonna burst another way.
• 19:55
  It's you're gonna be forced to react in a different way when there's another little trigger later on.
• 20:00
  So this is your way to go a little bit deeper.
• 20:05
  But let's talk about how to actually assess the trigger in real time.
• 20:11
  So we have a couple of steps that we want to share with you about when triggers come up or revisiting them later in the day if you don't have time to actually assess it in the moment because that does happen.
• 20:23
  If you're at work or something else and you're like, oh my God, I like can't believe that just happened.
• 20:27
  And you can come back to it later.
• 20:29
  You can tell your body, like, I'm gonna come back later and we're going to talk about this because sometimes that's what your body needs instead of getting even more suppressed and getting more reactive later.
• 20:39
  So the first step, of course, as we shared, is just awareness, just observing, just allowing yourself to notice what am I actually feeling right now?
• 20:47
  What is this emotion?
• 20:48
  Where do I feel it in my body?
• 20:50
  What is this?
• 20:51
  Do I feel tense?
• 20:52
  Do I feel hot?
• 20:54
  Do I feel and and if you can name it a little bit, and obviously that takes some practice too, but just notice, allow yourself without judgment, without making meaning of it, just what is this?
• 21:04
  And that this can be a practice, of course, too.
• 21:07
  Of like, I don't know what anger feels like in my body.
• 21:09
  I don't know what uh disappointment feels like in my body.
• 21:12
  So it is a practice, but just keep trying and and practicing it.
• 21:17
  And the next part would be uh going a little bit deeper, so now getting curious.
• 21:22
  So, why is this affecting me?
• 21:25
  Right?
• 21:25
  So, first is the what and the where, and now it's why.
• 21:29
  Why is this affecting me?
• 21:31
  Where have I felt this before?
• 21:32
  When have I felt this before?
• 21:34
  That is a big time.
• 21:36
  Yeah, like when is the first time I felt like this?
• 21:38
  Because the chances are you can bring it back to childhood.
• 21:42
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:42
  Absolutely.
• 21:44
  And that might take some time to get curious, and it might be like, you know, that pattern that keeps coming up, and maybe you sit with it a few times or journal about it.
• 21:53
  Like journaling for me is definitely a really good gateway or just expressing it to somebody where I can process it a little bit.
• 22:00
  Better.
• 22:00
  Um, does he do how do you like kind of process?
• 22:03
  Where have you felt this before?
• 22:04
  Are you more meditation?
• 22:05
  Do you journal?
• 22:06
  I'm I'm more like reflective, like thinking about it, but I also do like journaling, or if I really need to process it, I would say talk it out loud too, especially when it comes to triggering people that I didn't mean to trigger.
• 22:18
  I think is probably the biggest thing that's happened for me lately is like, oh my gosh, I I like that's what, you know, and so there's a lot of that that you have to like realize, like, oh, okay, I was either just a mirror.
• 22:28
  And so yeah, there's every trigger is a little different too, I think, right?
• 22:33
  Yeah, so true.
• 22:34
  So I think it depends on like the trigger, who it's with, and like how how deep it is or how often it is.
• 22:39
  Yeah, so really depends.
• 22:40
  Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 22:41
  That's what just a couple of tools that you can try, you know, for when it does come up.
• 22:46
  If you, if it's not a like huge one, you know, then obviously you can just kind of reflect on it and see where it comes and then notice the next time.
• 22:53
  And the next time you'll you'll be better with it.
• 22:55
  And the the next step would be about questioning too, again, going a little bit deeper now and different layer, is is it about the situation currently, right now, in this moment?
• 23:08
  Or again, you know, going back to when was the first time that I felt this?
• 23:12
  When was this the first time that I this emotion came up?
• 23:16
  And how did I feel about it this time?
• 23:19
  So again, what is the truth?
• 23:22
  What is the actual truth?
• 23:23
  And and what am I actually feeling?
• 23:24
  So it's just it's just getting a little bit deeper, every little layer of understanding it a little bit more.
• 23:30
  The last step is about choosing differently.
• 23:34
  So again, a lot of these triggers, especially if it's if it's something that is super present or super super big for you and you make a make it into a bigger thing at the moment, you might react pretty harshly.
• 23:48
  So this is your opportunity to respond differently.
• 23:52
  So responding, pausing and responding, communicating differently.
• 23:56
  Maybe if you are in a safe spade, if you if you did get triggered by your partner or a friend or something like that, like wait until you're a little cooled off, possibly, but allow yourself to respond in a way, be like, hey, that really that meant something to me.
• 24:10
  And again, it's just it's just allowing yourself to communicate instead of shutting down because this also gives you permission.
• 24:16
  This also gives you the vulnerability and the peace to trust and allow these emotions to come through even more because your body isn't taught to feel safe or you're not taught to feel safe about expressing these emotions, and that's why the trigger comes through as well, because you're you're learning how to process it in real time with your body, and sometimes we don't have the tools to to learn how to communicate these, and or we don't feel safe or we don't feel like there's trust, you know, like someone's gonna tell somebody, or or you know, you you don't have that safe space to be held in that moment where it's like all you like Desi said, it's the unmet need.
• 24:53
  What did you need in that moment?
• 24:55
  So allowing yourself to be open and to receive that support as well in that moment would be also life-changing because we all just need support, we all just need to feel loved, we all just need to be seen.
• 25:06
  So that is what triggers are all about.
• 25:08
  So allowing yourself to feel feel into any of these, use a couple of these steps, you use some of these tools to go a little bit deeper.
• 25:17
  So, we're to recap the steps were to notice, get curious, separate past versus the present, and to choose differently.
• 25:24
  So, like we were talking about the snow globe analogy, a lot of our reactions come from the past.
• 25:31
  And I know that it's really easy easy to blame the other person, to blame the thing, to blame the situation, to blame, well, if you didn't do this, then I wouldn't do that.
• 25:42
  If they didn't do that, then da-da-da-da-da-da-da, right?
• 25:45
  Like we are humans, and that is a natural response is for us to deflect, defend, make ourselves feel better, be feel more, you know, like we're right because it was their fault, right?
• 25:57
  But what is that instantly doing for you is giving your power away to everything else.
• 26:02
  Everybody else has power over you, right?
• 26:04
  So if if if Jason decides to do XYZ, if Lisa did this, well then I'm upset and now I'm triggered, and now my day's ruining, and and now I'm ruminating on it, and now I'm thinking about it, and now it's renting space in my head, and now I have resentment and I'm thinking it no, we don't want to be there.
• 26:20
  We want to come from a place of empowerment, right?
• 26:22
  We want to be like, okay, I understand that I'm reacting and I'm I'm feeling triggered in my body, and this does take practice.
• 26:30
  This is not an overnight thing.
• 26:31
  This is something that I work deeply with, especially with my one-on-one clients, because a lot of people don't understand how to and where things are in their body.
• 26:40
  And our body is so intelligent and always speaking to us.
• 26:43
  So when we are feeling really triggered, for me, it's usually like right in the middle of my gut and like or my middle of my like torso.
• 26:49
  I'm like, oh yeah, but that's sometimes it's in my shoulders, sometimes it's in my chest, right?
• 26:53
  And so when we start to understand that we have the power, we have the control, the people outside of us, it's dependent on how we respond, right?
• 27:04
  So the people outside of us are just a reflection of who we are.
• 27:06
  And so if we want to use the mirror analogy, which feels like a little bit of a trifle, you know, like, okay, if everybody's a reflection of us and they're a mirror to us and there's something in us that is unhealed and untriggered.
• 27:20
  So what are they reflecting in me that I need to do in order to not be triggered anymore because they're just a reflection of me, right?
• 27:27
  So then we we can start going even deeper into our triggers.
• 27:30
  So I know for when I was doing a lot of work in my relationship and working with one of my coaches, I'd be like, Well, I just want him to like work out and eat healthy, right?
• 27:39
  Like, and the question becomes, well, are you eating out, eating right and working out and eating healthy?
• 27:45
  Like, yeah, are you showing up a hundred percent in integrity in all the areas in your life?
• 27:49
  Are you doing everything?
• 27:50
  And it's usually a reflection of like, oh, well, maybe I'm not a hundred percent, right?
• 27:54
  So that's really kind of what the the mirror now mirror analogy says of like when we're triggered, it's usually reflecting something back at us.
• 28:02
  So being really curious again, what that is.
• 28:04
  And so when a trigger comes up, and I used to have a very quick reaction when I used to get triggered, especially in my relationships.
• 28:14
  I would yell and I would yell very loudly.
• 28:19
  And I I there was a lot of shame in it, and also I felt so justified and validated to yell when I was triggered.
• 28:26
  Like, well, I don't know, that's just who I am.
• 28:28
  I my mom was a yeller, love her to death.
• 28:31
  We learn from our parents, there's no blame, but dude, did she yell at us all the time?
• 28:35
  All there's four of us, and then usually cousin, so it wasn't just yelling at me, it was yelling at the siblings, it was yelling at the cousins, and then she would count to three.
• 28:42
  And if you didn't get over here, three, she's counting to two, two and a half, one and a don't make me come over there.
• 28:47
  You know, that literally that's what I grew up with.
• 28:49
  So I just I'm a yeller.
• 28:51
  I was a yeller for pretty much my whole life until like my early 30s when me and Jason were really deeply in this work.
• 28:57
  He had a coach, I had a coach, and he's like, I really don't want you to yell anymore.
• 29:02
  And I'm like, Oh, I don't know if I can not yell.
• 29:05
  Like, I seriously thought that I could not stop yelling.
• 29:07
  Like, I didn't know if that was possible for me.
• 29:09
  I was like, I don't know if I can do that, I can't make you any promises.
• 29:13
  Like, I was like so serious about it.
• 29:14
  And how now looking back at back at it, it's like, I don't want to use the word sad because that's who I was and where I was at, and that was my maturity, and that's what I knew for all my years, and caused so many problems in my relationships because then he's escalated, I'm escalated, we're all escalated.
• 29:30
  And so obviously it wasn't serving anybody, so I had to do deep, deep, deep work in my inner child, and that's where I met my really, really angry teenager that I had forgotten about.
• 29:40
  I had done all these years of healing my inner child, like younger girl, like younger little girl, but not like my teenager.
• 29:46
  And so thank God I found that because I may be still yelling at my husband today.
• 29:50
  Well, hopefully not, but like you know, those things are so important for us to have awareness around.
• 29:56
  And so, again, a lot of it is rooted in the past.
• 29:59
  So I would yell, okay.
• 30:00
  So here, here I am, I'm yelling and or I'm reacting.
• 30:04
  And this took a long time because it really is like pausing in the moment, like feel okay.
• 30:08
  So, this is why it's important to feel it in your body because you're like, oh, I I feel the triggered magistrate.
• 30:12
  I want to yell.
• 30:13
  Oh, wait, nope, that's not, you know.
• 30:15
  So it's it's like really catching the pattern in the moment, and that's not easy.
• 30:19
  And you will fail at the first, I don't know how many times I failed before I was out actually able to like catch myself and be like, oh wait, I'm not yelling anymore.
• 30:26
  Oh wait, I'm not getting attitude.
• 30:27
  Oh wait, I don't have to be smart ass.
• 30:29
  Like, okay, like I have no shame anymore in my really bad habits because I have been able to move through them, thank God.
• 30:36
  Um, but you know, it's so it's really when you're reacting, when you're feeling the emotional overwhelm, instead of doing the thing you're gonna regret later and saying the thing that you're gonna regret later, it's really about like pausing in that moment and taking a deep breath.
• 30:50
  Big inhale.
• 30:52
  Nice long exhale.
• 30:54
  Oh then choosing how you're gonna respond for there.
• 30:58
  Because I guarantee you, 85% of the time you're gonna respond a lot differently, softer, calmer, you're gonna walk away without having to say something smartox, you're gonna say, I'm I'm gonna take a beat, I'm gonna I need to take a minute, right?
• 31:10
  So, like pause, have the awareness, notice what's happening in internally.
• 31:16
  Where is this happening in my body?
• 31:17
  Okay, it's happening in my stomach, and then choose how you wanna how you wanna show up.
• 31:22
  So having that pause and then having that awareness is really gonna shift your nervous system.
• 31:26
  So, what's happening in the moment of the trigger is like your nervous system is going fight, flight, freeze, fonts, respond right now, right?
• 31:32
  And so we're like, oh shit, gotta do da-da-da-da.
• 31:34
  But it's like in that moment, we're actually taking the deep breath, we're pausing, and then we're giving the chance for the nervous system just to reset just a little bit.
• 31:42
  And I swear your whole world will change.
• 31:45
  So, really, really giving yourself that and setting the intention for the next time.
• 31:50
  Like if you have a trigger right now that you're like, okay, I know I respond with an attitude, or I know that I get triggered on this thing, or I know when I go do this, like I'm gonna feel a certain way.
• 31:58
  Set the intention of how you want to react in the future, and then visualize it, picture it, set the intention over and over again until you get it right, and then just meet yourself with a lot of grace because you're not gonna get it right in the first time, maybe not the 10th time, but give yourself that grace because it does this doesn't happen overnight.
• 32:15
  This this shift and change doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen because I'm living proof of it.
• 32:22
  I can't believe that I was like so serious at that time.
• 32:25
  I have so much grace and love for that version of myself and really love for her because I was able to be honest about like I don't know if I could stop yelling.
• 32:33
  Yeah.
• 32:34
  So um, okay, so with that, you want to start like self-soothing yourself, like speaking to yourself, speaking to yourself with passion, giving yourself grace, giving yourself everything you didn't receive, right?
• 32:46
  So, you know, with my parents like always fighting about money and always yelling, like I never felt safe to have conversations about money.
• 32:52
  So, like, how can I sit with myself and and feel safe around money?
• 32:56
  So how are you feeling over there?
• 32:59
  Anything else you want to add to that?
• 33:03
  Good.
• 33:03
  I'm just I'm trying to think of like you know, specific, specific ones that I can share too.
• 33:09
  I I'm gonna have to, I feel like, think a little bit more about it because I feel like you have such good examples, and I'm like, I don't know.
• 33:15
  Like, I'm we're very different, which I think is perfect for our audience because I'm like the fire energy, and you're more like a soft like knock it to your spawn.
• 33:22
  And and I have to be honest, sometimes I'm like, girl, you need to use that voice, you need to speed up, you need to set the boundary, you need to just tell them it is what it is.
• 33:29
  And and that's and that's where the difference is, you know.
• 33:32
  Either you did you did live in a I feel like that happens a lot of a lot of different relationships and and friendships and stuff where it's like one person lived in a uh, you know, like you said, like there was just a lot of yelling, and that's what you learned.
• 33:44
  It's the it's the pattern that you've learned, and where it's like my pattern too, where it's like I didn't have much yelling, at least that I remember.
• 33:52
  And then, but it's like I want I had to be good, or like I wanted to make sure I was good, and so I shut down, and so I I didn't express, you know, and that's where it's like that I attracted Desi the fire so she can help me express, you know.
• 34:05
  It's like I was actually talking about that in yoga today too, where we're like my my other friend um that is also fire, and we're like, and she's like, I think I do attract like more like grounded, like air, like earth and like water people, and I and she's like, I I need that grounding.
• 34:20
  And I was like, I need the fire, so I attracted you, you know?
• 34:23
  So it's like I attracted Desi, like because it's it allows us as well to expand and to hear from different experiences and to realize that, like, oh, you can be expressive and not it doesn't mean a bad thing, like you know, like it's it's kind of like what we're kind of coming up to right now.
• 34:40
  A lot of these emotions that are coming up and triggers that are coming up with with us creating and being on social media and creating our podcast, right?
• 34:47
  Like it's like the time of um I can think of like performing and dancing and like or cheerleading, right?
• 34:53
  Like I had to look perfect, I had to be like, you know, nothing is fine, put a smile on your face.
• 34:57
  It's like, you know, I and I had to like in a sense play small because it was like I had to fit in.
• 35:04
  Because for me, like being expressive and being big and being putting myself out there is scary, or or you know, you're labeled a certain thing or or whatever that is.
• 35:15
  And I think I remember coming up with that in in the inner child program that you did, like we talked about it, like where it was like, I don't want to play small anymore.
• 35:23
  I don't want, I want to learn that like expression is is healthy and like I get to, yeah, it's so powerful, and you remind me of that.
• 35:31
  So that is very helpful.
• 35:33
  Like, and I'm I'm grateful for that, you know.
• 35:35
  And again, it's these these little triggers, I just just recognize them as they show up.
• 35:39
  So curious, from your side of really just kind of that fond freeze, like don't respond, people pleasing.
• 35:46
  What would you suggest to somebody who does shut down and doesn't express themselves, right?
• 35:50
  When they're feeling triggered, like what would you say their biggest thing they can do in order to like start shifting that?
• 35:57
  Yeah.
• 35:58
  I think kind of like what I said earlier when we were talking about the different tools is I had to learn that like it was safe to communicate what I was feeling and express.
• 36:07
  And have you find that safety finding people that that could hold it for me, like you, for example, and also my partner, like when we have some deeper conversations, like it's hard still to like really express what I'm feeling because it's like yeah, a hundred percent.
• 36:23
  Like, and I think I think that it still happens, right?
• 36:26
  It still happens when you're not you're not having an argument per se, but it's just like just in a situation, it's like I or even just saying what I need, right?
• 36:34
  Like, or what I want, like you know, that part is hard, you know, because again, it's like you know, I'm just gonna do it myself, you know, and you know, I'm fine, you know.
• 36:44
  I I wore the I find mask I'm fine mask for years, you know, because I didn't want anyone to think I was I wasn't fine, you know.
• 36:51
  I didn't want I wanted this to feel and and seem that like everything was great and and you know, and and a lot of times you're not great all the time, like it's not realistic.
• 37:02
  And I think that's where expressing myself and doing this work has been such a game changer because and having people specifically like you and a big supportive um community that I'm I'm I'm starting to heal that, you know, that trigger and like no, I can express people actually listening, like you know, we have something to say and it's important, and I have this gift, and you know, like that has been such a healing thing for me, a healing, the healing journey right now for me, I would say.
• 37:30
  I love that.
• 37:31
  That's beautiful.
• 37:32
  And with us being in business and entrepreneurs and putting our life work out there into the ethers, into the world, into the socials and all that, it is one of those things that we are asking almost to be a trigger for others so that they can see their pain, so that they can heal it.
• 37:47
  And yeah, so that goes into like a whole nother embodiment of this practice.
• 37:52
  And I've unfortunately had other healers and coaches that I thought understood triggers because I I I thought this was like an understanding that like triggers are a mirror.
• 38:01
  And so, like, if I triggered you, it's really a reflection of you.
• 38:03
  So, like work through your trigger, trigger, but then come to me so that we can have the conversation, right?
• 38:07
  But I have been in circles with other facilitators where they were triggered and instead of like working through the trigger and then you know, talking about the thing, it was like oh, they just didn't deal with the trigger, and they just were like, Okay, we're ending this or whatever it was, right?
• 38:21
  And so it's like it's so important that people understand this in in all areas of life, like that triggers really just are an opportunity, they're gold, they're they're something for us to look at and for growth.
• 38:32
  And I love the way everything that you were explaining of like being able to use your voice because I think people do get triggered and they don't work through it, and so they just like they leave, they don't respond, they ghost, right?
• 38:43
  And so, like, no one likes to be ghosted, no one likes to be, you know, told that they don't want to be friends anymore because they were triggered and they don't know how to handle it.
• 38:50
  And so it's really an invitation for all of us to start looking at our trigger triggers through a different lens and through a new lens.
• 38:56
  And I'm gonna put me and Lisa on the spot right now and ask us like, what is one thing that's been really triggering for us lately?
• 39:05
  I was like thinking, what am I gonna say when I asked this question?
• 39:08
  I think the biggest thing for me, I'll give you a chance to talk about or to think about it, is it's my business.
• 39:12
  My business triggers me.
• 39:15
  And and it's really about like putting putting putting effort and work into things that I don't feel are the exact results that I would like to get out of the effort that I'm putting in.
• 39:28
  And so it's like, okay, well, what is that a reflection of me?
• 39:31
  It's like okay, putting expectations.
• 39:32
  I'm putting expectations that the work that I'm doing has to have this, right?
• 39:36
  So, like right there, I'm already putting expectations on myself and my business and how I'm showing up.
• 39:40
  And so, you know, being able to look at that and be like, okay, well, what if I didn't put expectations?
• 39:45
  What if I did this just because I want to serve people?
• 39:47
  And even if it just helps one person, that's all that matters, right?
• 39:50
  And so I think that's that's a recurring thing for me because I want to make such a big impact and I want to reach more people, and I also have to trust the process and God is you know leading the way and I don't know everything and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
• 40:06
  Yeah, I think that's such a big thing for obviously both of us, but I'm gonna say yes to that.
• 40:13
  But the bigger trigger that I come up to a lot more is that leads to that is social media, like scrolling social media because I am, you know, because I'm triggered because I am not maybe like you know, I'm I'm starting to doubt myself with my business or like the what I'm posting or then I'm like comparing myself and triggered.
• 40:34
  I think that's what it is.
• 40:35
  It's it's a lot of the the comparison and the the scrolling of just feeling triggered to be in like why am I not where where they are, right?
• 40:42
  Or you know, or even a friend, you know, that I see my friend being on there and or like you know, they didn't like my post or like you know, whatever.
• 40:50
  And it's like so no some of the those things have definitely been more present for me lately, I'm gonna say, and and that's an honest truth where I haven't really heard that.
• 40:59
  So, like, you know, to admit that out loud is kind of scary, but that's the truth, you know, like the the highlight reel is is not always real either.
• 41:08
  Like being on social media and I have to, because of doing a lot of this energy work that I'm doing right now, like really coming back to my intuition over and over and over again, and like recognizing the pattern when I'm scrolling too much and getting into the spiral of being like nope, off.
• 41:23
  And I have timers on all like my apps and stuff.
• 41:26
  So like it does help me to like recognize that, but sometimes I need it more, you know.
• 41:30
  Sometimes I'm like, oh, why am or like I have recognized rate lately where I'm doing doing that or I'm doing something else and I'm getting distracted, and I'm like, what is actually happening right now?
• 41:41
  You know, what am I actually needing right now?
• 41:43
  It's it's coming back to those needs.
• 41:44
  Like, what do I actually need right now?
• 41:46
  Because it's not social media, it's not, you know, it's not doing whatever else that I'm you know, distracting myself from, you know.
• 41:53
  And I feel like that has definitely been um really present for me as well right now.
• 41:58
  Yeah, I'm obviously have had that, and obviously, maybe it's not obvious, but I've had that too.
• 42:03
  No, I know you know that I have as well, but I feel like I'm starting to shift that, which has been really fun instead of because I I grew up very competitive, so it's like, well, you know, I'm in comparison to everybody because I grew up competitive.
• 42:14
  That's how my dad showed us love and we did sports and all that kind of stuff.
• 42:17
  So I've and it does serve in some some instances, not in the social media world where everything's just a highlight, right?
• 42:24
  So I've been feeling finding that like happiness and joy for others that I'm seeing that are having success, which has been really fun.
• 42:30
  And I'm not even scrolling too much either because I've been so busy creating uh return, and it's been nice actually, not scrolling, that's for sure.
• 42:39
  Right, yeah, yeah.
• 42:41
  It's just recognizing, it's just recognizing the pattern and understanding it and giving yourself compassion in the moment because guess what?
• 42:47
  We're all human, we go back to these cycles because we're not used to it or we're hitting that edge and we're like, oh well, it's more comfortable just to keep scrolling instead of creating, you know, or like listening to my intuition because I don't want to listen to it right now, like which we've shared before as well.
• 43:01
  Like, you know, it's it's not an easy path, you know, being on the it's not an easy path what we're doing, but yeah, we're still showing up and we're doing it.
• 43:09
  And here we are.
• 43:10
  That's all that matters.
• 43:11
  Yep, yep, yep.
• 43:12
  Well, I was just listening to a really big coach in the industry, and they were talking about like you're gonna have so many people love you, but you gotta be ready for the people that are not gonna like you, and yeah, I know that I'm preparing for that, and that's exciting and also really scary and all the things.
• 43:26
  So well, great episode, and we want to leave you guys with some closing reflections, thoughts.
• 43:35
  One of them here is what triggers keep showing up in your life?
• 43:39
  Which one is the one that you keep coming up against?
• 43:42
  You're like, oh dang it, I thought I was gonna change that, or oh dang it, it's still coming up, or maybe you're not even realizing it, but this is gonna bring awareness to it.
• 43:49
  But what is the thing that keeps coming up in your life over and over again?
• 43:52
  That's a trigger.
• 43:53
  Maybe it's one thing, maybe it's a few things.
• 43:55
  Being so curious about that, and then taking it through the steps that Lisa went over with you.
• 44:02
  And what might what might they be trying to teach you?
• 44:06
  What is the lesson?
• 44:07
  What is the takeaway?
• 44:09
  What is the thing that you need to meet yourself about meeting that little girl or getting support from a friend or writing in your journal or whatever that looks like.
• 44:19
  So, what might that be teaching you and what would it look like if you responded instead of reacting?
• 44:25
  A lot different.
• 44:27
  Yes.
• 44:28
  And I can add to that really quickly, if you feel like you're like, I don't know how I would respond, you know, in that moment.
• 44:35
  Sometimes we have to actually visualize and like put ourselves in that moment again and be like, what if I reacted differently?
• 44:42
  Because it will also share with you, like if you want to react a different way, because maybe you're used to yelling as well, because that's the the the best way for you to express yourself.
• 44:52
  What if you actually communicated?
• 44:55
  And what if and allow yourself to play out like the other person if you're talking to somebody, right?
• 45:00
  And allow yourself to play out what you think is gonna happen from the other person and then what you hope to happen, right?
• 45:07
  Because then it'll also help you to be like, oh, there's different opportunities here, or like I I automatically think they're gonna start yelling too.
• 45:14
  So I'm gonna yell back again because I need to be heard, I need to be seen.
• 45:18
  You know, what if you actually had a calm, cool conversation and went really well and you were like, wow, I it's safe to express this now, and I don't have to yell.
• 45:27
  Now you created that safety within your body, even if it's just a visualization, your body will recognize it and realize, oh, I don't have to yell.
• 45:35
  It's okay to express myself in a calm way because someone else is also listening and receiving it as well.
• 45:41
  Maybe you get a hug, maybe you need a hug.
• 45:43
  You know, sometimes we need just that touch and just that support.
• 45:46
  So allow yourself to play with those um scenarios as well.
• 45:50
  I think will be really supportive.
• 45:52
  Yeah.
• 45:53
  Thank you guys for being here.
• 45:54
  Thank you for listening.
• 45:55
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• 46:02
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• 46:03
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• 46:09
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• 46:19
  Yeah.
• 46:19
  And um, yeah, don't forget to review and and share it with us to our Instagram, our Real Talk Real Healing Podcast Instagram.
• 46:26
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• 46:28
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• 46:33
  So you still got some time to enter in.
• 46:36
  Thanks, guys.
• 46:36
  See you on the next one.
• 46:37
  Bye.
• 46:38
  Bye.