Latest / Still Well Podcast / Learning to Let Go: Empty Nest Emotions, College Move-In & Mom Guilt (Part 2)

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Learning to Let Go: Empty Nest Emotions, College Move-In & Mom Guilt (Part 2) · Still Well Podcast

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I was going to Texas to help my son move into his off-campus housing.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere between carrying boxes, eating dinner alone, and comparing myself to another mom, God showed me something I desperately needed to see.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was quietly placing expectations on my son that he was never meant to carry.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into the whole story.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of Still Well Podcast.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I am so grateful that you are here.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait to get into this conversation again.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just gonna tell you right up front, if you're here last week, this is part two or the second chapter.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So last week I was talking all about our kids getting older, them leaving home, us dropping them off at school in preparation for this season of back to school and kind of transition from summer into fall.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I recorded that episode right before I left to take my middle son back to school.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to last week's episode, you will already know that I'm in New England, he's in Texas, so it always is just a little tug on my mom's heart that he's so far from home.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Dropping him off and, you know, the flight down, we're together, it's fun.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's some looming thoughts of coming home without him, but the flight down is always nice.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But getting back to that airport and then getting on that plane alone and knowing he's gonna be so far away, it just, it's still, he's a junior, and I want to reassure any mother who is listening and taking their child to school for the first time or any new big event where your child is transitioning maybe out of your home, it does get easier.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not nearly like that first year where I was in tears standing at the gate uh of the airport.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: But it's still, you know, we love our kids.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but I'm willing to bet that at least some of you, if not most of you, that are listening, uh feel the same way.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: It can be, it can be tough, it can be emotionally daunting.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just got back actually yesterday, late afternoon, came back up to New Hampshire, and I knew that I wanted to record the podcast today for next week, which is what you'll be listening to now.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I was kind of thinking through, well, what do I want to talk about?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, you know what?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: There was so much in last week's episode, and I hope it wasn't overwhelming.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was a little bit longer of an episode, and there was a lot to unpack.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But then I went and moved my son in, and I was thinking through this yesterday and even this morning, and as I was kind of brainstorming for this episode, that so much happened while I was away, and I think there were a lot of life lessons for me that I thought, why not do a part two?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping this doesn't get redundant for you, and I'm hoping that you're coming along for the ride and this will be of benefit for you.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm guessing that it probably will, because once again, I I feel like in some ways we're all kind of in this together and walking the same sort of paths.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's all a little bit different.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids are different, but a lot of the feelings are the same.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I know that I took my son to school, it seems a little bit earlier than most.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: He also had to be there early because he had to be there for events.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, that's a side note.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I just figured a lot of you have not moved your kids in yet and are prepping to.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and by the time this releases, you might be in the throes of that or just getting ready.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought, why not do a second episode?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Especially because, you know, as moms in midlife with older kids, this is one of the biggest things that we deal with, right?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to let go, learning to transition into a new phase of life, learning how to be and how to flourish outside of having our kids at home and being, you know, them being our primary focus and them being under our control mostly, um or at least seemingly, and learning how to how to flourish in sort of this new space of life.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And even if your kids have been going to school and this isn't your first year, right?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like my son's, my middle one is the junior, my oldest is a senior, even if you've done this a couple times, I still feel like this time of year, it just brings it all back.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: It brings it all to the forefront.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you get through the year, they leave, they go to school, you sort of settle into day-to-day.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, for some of us, I know even for me, it's kind of nice, like the house quiets down, you can get back into a routine, there's not as much chaos, and and you're coming off of all that summer fun and busyness.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also something to be said for it just brings all those feelings up that you've started to learn to deal with, which is like, you know, you're not in that phase of life where your kids are in your under your roof anymore where they're primarily dependent on you.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it brings, I think it brings it all back to the forefront.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: It just creates a little bit of emotional turmoil.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And at least for me, it gets me thinking and processing.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know, maybe I'm in my head too much, but I'm again, I'm guessing that some of you deal with the same thing.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to encourage every mama that's listening whose kids are going back to school, if you're a first-timer, if you're a second timer, if it's not college, but it's something else, maybe they're going into service or they're getting married or they're moving into their own apartment for the first time, whatever it is.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: If this is a first for you, please know.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: I put a post up on Instagram about this yesterday in my story.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking of all of you and praying for you.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would encourage you to allow yourself to feel your feelings.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think that is one of the biggest things that I want to touch on as we talk today.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, as I was prepping to take Andrew back, I started to feel all that just kind of sadness, a little bit of waking up feeling like blah.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: At night, I was just kind of sluggish and feeling a little honestly sad.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And my first instinct in those moments is always just like snap out of it, Brooke.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Pull yourself together.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because I get fearful that it's going to stay that way, that I'm gonna constantly feel that way.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's uncomfortable.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't feel good.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So my first instinct is just try to pull myself out of it and stuff all those emotions and feelings down.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I I don't, that's not healthy.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's healthy.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to feel that way uh last week before I take took Andrew to school.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I had gone back to Massachusetts with him for a few days and we were doing some preparation for him to leave.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And those three days leading up to him leaving, the house was quiet because it was just him and I, uh and my dogs, of course.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I really got into a little bit of a funk, and I did start that kind of panic mode of like, oh no, I don't like to feel this way.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is ridiculous.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's a junior, it's a third time around.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, um, two things happened.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: One, I have newsletters that I get each week, and one of them is from Christine Kane.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and actually, let me take a step back because with Christine Kane, it's a weekly devotional.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't get it, it it just I would encourage you to sign up for it on her website.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's just so wonderful.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little piece of scripture with just a wonderful few sentences in the email and then a quick two questions for reflection.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I every morning I read it, I do a quick journal, a sentence or two about the questions she asks, and then I end with a couple gratitudes from the day before.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm getting a sidetracked, but that's a great thing to do in the morning.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I brought it up, let's get back to the conversation, is because last week it was talking about how seasonal changes and transitional changes can be really tough emotionally.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And just how to remember that God is constant and to just also know and to give yourself some grace.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so reading that and knowing that, and I hope this will encourage you too, because even if your kids are out of the house, this can still be a difficult time of year for moms.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: A, again, because I think it just brings up those emotions again, like them going back to school and all the ways that we felt, and also because we have a change of season, like heading out of summer and into fall, it can be just a tricky time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it is not uncommon to feel a little down.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just want to encourage you, if you are, don't panic.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's totally normal.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with you.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would encourage you, you know, because I remember to put this into perspective from something that a therapist said to me a while back, it's okay to feel your feelings.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be afraid of that or think you're gonna get stuck in sadness or grief.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have to feel the sadness and sit with it and let it wash over you and process it so you can get to the other side and feel more joyful.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to encourage you, if that's where you're at, it's okay to feel that way.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to be a little more tender with yourself in the in the days or weeks leading up to your child leaving.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay for you to, you know, snuggle up on the couch with your pet or or your spouse or reach out to a friend or just take a couple of easy nights where you watch a favorite show that you love or enjoy a book or a hot cup of tea, take a hot salt bath.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that's going to just calm your nervous system a little bit and and just lighten the load, it's okay to be gracious with yourself and to give yourself those moments.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what I did.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: The house was quiet.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Andrew was, you know, I have in my mind that, oh, I'm gonna go home, we're gonna spend all time, all kinds of time together.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I should know by now that doesn't happen because he's seeing his friends, he's doing other things.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I just sort of leaned into, you know what?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get some takeout.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna go crazy cooking and having to clean up the house.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna just chill out a little bit.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I revisited some shows that dropped on Netflix, that I, you know, new seasons, and just sort of unplugged a little bit and and and relaxed.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that being said, I also, of course, spent time with God and in prayer in the mornings and kept to my morning routine and took my feelings to God.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, some of the other things is just being gentle.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I also um continued my workout.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't stop that.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure that you're moving your body in the midst of this too, because when you move your body, you change your mood and your mind.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling sluggish and you're feeling like, you know, there's a fine balance of, oh, I'm feeling kind of crummy.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel like I need to lay down and sort of veg out a little bit, yes, but also sometimes what you need to do is push yourself to move a little.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So there's that balance.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I kind of did my workouts earlier in the day, but then as the day wound down, you know, it's okay to just be a little calm and just kind of lean into yourself and just process.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, if you're a super extroverted person, maybe you need to be leaning into your friends and going out more.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to encourage you though, don't stuff those feelings down and don't ignore them.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let yourself feel them.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to do so.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I certainly did last week.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you, I'm here to tell you that I'm back home.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only a day back home, and I'm feeling pretty good, you guys.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's it has not lingered.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It did not last.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I took my first son to school, my gosh.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: On Life After Kids, I had reels and posts that I did about that time.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was a disaster.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was a disaster for weeks.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was just so hard.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's you and you're feeling it, listen, it's so normal and you will get to the other side.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It just, I keep the perspective too.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: This has always helped me, and it even helps me now that while they're in college, they come back.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they're they're going to school.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like for instance, I dropped into off, but before I know it, it's gonna be Parents Weekend.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then right after Parents Weekend, there's typically a fall break where they can come home if they want.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then right after that, there's Thanksgiving break, and then right after that is the holidays.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the fall semester at least, it moves pretty fast, and you you will see them more regularly than you think.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So just keep that in mind and give that, give yourself that perspective as well.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to just talk through sort of, I think maybe the best way to do the rest of this is to talk through some of my experiences while I was away and the lessons that I sort of gained from them and what I thought through and what I journaled about, because maybe it will help you.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing to say is that you may need to lower your expectations.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I actively have to work on this.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I may have talked to you guys about this already, but I have just come to the realization over the last year that I set far too high of expectations on my kids, on circumstances, on the way I want things to go.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want everything to be perfect and wonderful.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not, or if it's subpar, or even if it was really great, I'm still thinking about all the ways that it could have been better.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just I'm actively praying for a spirit of contentment.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I did say that to you at one point, probably last week, but again, to reiterate, I'm actively playing for a spirit of contentment to be just grateful for what is.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to encourage you in this because I saw this happening for me when I was with my son.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We we got to his school on Thursday and we just hit the ground running.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was an early morning on the plane, got off the plane, went right to get his stuff out of storage, got to his, he's a junior, so this is his first time living off campus, big deal, and like first time in a home with four other kids.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so we got there and we had his stuff and we were just, you know, on the move, unpacking, setting things up.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know how it goes, all of those things.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And in my mind, my expectation and what I had built up was, oh, we're gonna go, we're gonna, I'm gonna work so hard to help him, and he's gonna be so appreciative.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then in the evenings, we're gonna go and have nice mother-son dinners together and spend some quality time together, and I'll chat with him about how he's feeling about this next semester and about life in general, and it will all be puppies and rainbows.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let me tell you how it actually went.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: The first night there, actually, it wasn't even night, you guys.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: We got to the house at 12.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: We busted our butts.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think my Garmin Wetch said I went up and down 25 flights of stairs because you his anyway, there's two flights to get up to his top floor, and there's steep steps and up and down with heavy bags and furniture and all of these things.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we had to go out, I believe it was at like five o'clock for something.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And as we're going, I was like, okay, so he he had the truck and I didn't have a rental car.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: We had Ubered from the airport, and I said, Okay, so what are we doing for dinner?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Well, actually, mom, I'm gonna drop you off at the at your hotel now because I have plans.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I have to go, um, I have an event, I've got some obligations that I have to fill.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've got this, I've got that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was ticked.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it took everything in me to not show that I was ticked because here's what was going on in my mind.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting next to him in the truck and I was like, okay, I can't believe this.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just flew in here with you.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I spent all this money on all these things for you.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked my butt off all day today.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired, I'm hot, I'm sweaty, I'm gonna be working all week, and you can't even take time to have a nice meal with me, to go out to dinner, like so we can enjoy each other's company and blah, you know, it's going on and on in my mind.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was I was like, I didn't say anything to him because I even if I was going to eventually say anything, I have I don't always get this right, but I try in the moment to zip my lip until I've calmed down and had enough of a chance for some perspective to determine whether or not that incident, the incident at hand, really needs a talk or it doesn't.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I zip my lip.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't sure how I was gonna handle it, but just in the moment I was like, this is I'm too angry, I'm too upset, and this is not the moment to bring it up.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so he drops me off at the hotel, and it's like by this time 6:30, and now I'm in for the night.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And again, feeling real sorry for myself.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, I can't not believe I came all this way to do this.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I ended up that night just in getting um, I think I had leftover food from lunch.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just ate that.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had some snacks, I put on a show that I liked, and I ended up just relaxing.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was really tired, so I went to bed early.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was fine, although it was still ticked.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Next morning, I get up early, and because I'd gone to bed early, which was a blessing, I was able to get up early and went to the gym and just walked on the treadmill very gently, read my Bible, did some of my morning routine, some of my stretching before I started the day.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I I began to realize as the day progressed and before I even saw my son that that was a moment where I had set expectations way too high.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe not.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're listening to me going, well, yeah, you should expect that.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're his mother and you're working hard and he should take time for you.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: But also as a mother, and even in my life in general, I don't want to live a life where I do things for people because I expect something in return.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or even just doing things not because I expect something in return, but then on the other side of it, hope that they'll respond in a great way and or in the way that I want them to.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think if you are, you know, we talk about the Enneagram sometimes, like in number two, like if you're a helper and a caretaker, I think it's easy to feel like you do, do, do, do, do.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think as mothers, we'd feel this way a lot.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You do do do do do, and then for everyone else, and you wait for somebody to give you some accolades or to show up for you or, you know, to kind of just make you feel good in the moment or to do something nice for you after.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when that doesn't happen, you can feel bad.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I I don't want to be, that's not how I want to live my life, at least for me.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like I want to show up for my kids because I love them and I want to help them out.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't, honestly, I want I it's so hard for me to break this because it just feels like it's such an instinct for me.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want to live and I have to actively push against this from a frame set or a mindset of expecting them to do something in return.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or, and I think we can really fall into that trap.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're gonna do for our kids because we want something out of them.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to show up for us, we want them to make us happy.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say that they shouldn't be respecting us or that it's okay for them to walk all over us, but I really wanna be the mom who shows up for them just because I love them and because I have a servant's heart.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be that way in my life with everyone.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I did take a step back and go, Brooke, you were here to help your son and you shouldn't, it's it's the motivation for that should not, your motive should not be because you're gonna do good things for him because you want him to spend time with you.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's ridiculous.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's a 20-year-old boy, he's almost 21.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: He has obligations.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I took a step back and looked around, like he was stressed out that day because he had all these things that he had to do and that he was committed to.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing he needed was his mother there expecting him to have dinner with him.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: And also, Brooke, take another step back because he's been away from school.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: His best friends he hasn't seen in several months.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's only natural.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember when I was in college, you can't wait to see your friends.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he's there his first day, his friends are back.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: What else would I expect?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, what I should be doing is being really grateful that he has good friends and he's happy and thriving there instead of expecting him to spend time with me.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe I sound ridiculous.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: I probably am a little ridiculous, but I'm guessing at least some of you can relate to this.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: So there's that.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was a nice, interesting lesson for me.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think just a caveat on top of that is what I've noticed in those moments, and I see it so much more clearly in my life is like some of that is pride.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's pride and self-absorption and self-focus and self-port importance because I want, I want more focus on me.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: I want more attention on me.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want my kids to be wanting to dote on me.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's prideful.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not okay.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it happened to me even as the, you know, I I caught myself when I stopped myself that day, but it happened through the rest of the week because he had obligations.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: We did, like, God bless him, and I probably stressed him out about it, but he made a point and he grabbed a couple of of his friends to have dinner with me.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it was Thursday night.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to think, Friday night.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it ended up, he like again, he brought two or three of his friends with him.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was a quick dinner at a place called Flower Child, which, if you ever get an opportunity to go, I just love their food.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's healthy and they've got lots of options, lots of delicious desserts.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a really good place.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: But it's quick.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's you order at the counter and you sit.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he did preface, he said, Mom, I want to go to eat with you.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna bring a bring a couple friends, but we have we have an event all afternoon.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're done at six, we have a break, and then we've got to go back into meetings at eight.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so I knew it had to be quick.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that was okay.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was just nice.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And even in that moment, looking back, I feel a little bad because I think even then he was stressed out.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the poor kid's sitting there, we have our meal, and he rearranged some things so that he could go a little bit later to the next meetings.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw his friend was like, Okay, well, let's go because we got to get back to the house and I'm gonna get a shower and then we gotta get moving.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And Andrew, I saw him look at me, and then he's looking at his friends, and he's like, Well, you know, can't we?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: We can just hang out here for a little bit longer.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to go until eight.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's hang out here to his friend.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Your mom's coming, don't you care?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you want to see her?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm watching him and I'm watching his face and I'm watching his talk to his friends.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I just stopped for a second and got out of my own way and said, Andrew, you know what?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you guys want to go, you should go.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Yeah, but mom, I feel bad.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see you.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I get it, Andrew, and I'm appreciative of it, but it's only another 15 minutes.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just go with your buddies, do what you need to do.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll hang out here until my friend, one of the other moms, comes.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's no big deal.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I could just see the relief on his face.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, this has gotta stop.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: As much as I would like for things to be different, and as much as I want to still be like a focus in his world, he's growing up and things change.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: And again, transitions are hard, but it is what it is.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we have to celebrate their independence and we have to celebrate their new lives, and we have to celebrate their friends and not expect them to center around us.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: But again, these seasons of transition and change are hard and they can be really hard on our mom's heart.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's pretty common for us to feel that way.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of you will write in and tell me, Brooke, you're off your rocker, like, get over yourself.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I do think it is very common to feel that way.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I think we have to take a step back and realize what's going on and pay attention to our kids because we want what's best for them.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing that I wanted to be doing while I was there was stressing health.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Him out because I expected him to be with me.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, it just we have to be mindful of these things as moms, and we have to remember it's not all about us.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing, this is again, and I think I'm pretty sure that I just talked to you about this in the last episode, and then I went to move my son in, and it just I let it get to me.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So just so you know, if you're struggling with some of these things that we're talking about, please know I'm still struggling with.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: So don't think that I've got it all together.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I am actively daily trying to be better than I was yesterday, and I'm actively wanting to be aware of my shortcomings, and I'm sharing them with you just so that we can all talk through these together and figure things out.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, that being said, what happened with me was, and I talked about this was don't be comparing yourself to other moms and their relationships with their kids or what the moms are doing or any of that.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about this so much that comparison, we know, is the thief of joy.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: We've heard that before.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very popular saying.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I talk about one of the biggest thiefs of joy in midlife is comparison, comparing your kids, comparing your friends and what their lives are, what the relationships are with their kids to yours because we're all different.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time we're this age, we should be over that.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, guess what?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was, I want to say beside myself, that's very strong and it's very dramatic.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I also had this going on with me this last week because, again, I wanted to be spending time with Andrew.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I was gonna be leaving him there and not seeing him for a while.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And he's on the executive committee, which required him to be more involved with events and things that were going on and meetings for the whole Greek council at his school.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And some of the other boys didn't have to do all that.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: And they were the the one mother and son who I'm close with was together.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she, you know, grocery shopping together, cooking together, spending the day together and and evening together, and getting apps together and all of these things, which, by the way, is absolutely fabulous.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so happy for her.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: But what happened to me then was I was watching that and I got even more upset because I wanted to be doing that with Andrew.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to grocery shop with him.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to, you know, I was hoping to do that and stock his fridge for him and given some tips.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: He already is already cooking food for himself, but other tips that he needed, and just again, having the dinners with him and wanting him to want to do those things with me.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I realized, I realized as I was in the midst of that, what I was doing.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to stop and say, Brooke, your son is not the same as I won't mention her name, but your son is not the same as so-and-so's son.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: They are different kids and you have different relationships.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Andrew is very, he wasn't always, but now he's very independent.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: He's very committed to what he's doing at the school.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: He's committed to his office there.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not right to compare it.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I need to take a step back and say, I'm so glad that he stepped into a leadership role.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful that he is independent.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful that he has these commitments and he wants to be involved and he's learning to time manage and he's excited about being back at school and doing these things and taking, you know, his organization in a good direction.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it was all coming back to what was best for Brooke and not what was best for Andrew.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started to, I stopped it very quickly, but then there's this story that I tell myself, and I'm sure you've done this, is that our relationship isn't as good as so-and-so's, or he doesn't love me as much, or this or that.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's all lies and it's all silly.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we, guys, we have to stop doing that to ourselves and also to our relationships with our kids.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's not okay.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's not only gonna it it hurts us, it's it's definitely can be torturous to us, but it can also hurt our relationships with them.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so those types of things, that comparison, it's such a hard thing because I think it it's just such a natural thing to do in life.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so much easier now, especially because of social media and all the filters and all the ways that things look good and in just pretty and filtered, it's even easier to do that now.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a hard, a really hard habit to break.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: As much as I talk to you guys about it, and as as much as I realize it's a problem, I still found myself falling into it.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to make you aware of that and to remember if it's that that trips you up or it's whatever it is that trips you up, don't shame yourself or feel guilty because we all like we're all doing the best we can.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's one thing I can say with certainty that the overwhelming majority of us are all doing the best we can with what we have in the moment in the day-to-day, with our energy level, with our mental capacity, with whatever we're dealing with or whatever we've got in our toolbox to use, we're doing the best we can.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna fall short even in the midst of that.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: And we've got to give ourselves a little grace.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: But we also have to give our kids grace in the midst of that too.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we have to um, you know, we have to support them in what they're doing.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: We can't make it all about us.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: We have to let them go and live their lives.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be supportive in what they're doing.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And was definitely a Jenny Allen uh newsletter that she was saying, and I think this applies here too, as they're going into school and they're going to live their own lives, that our kids don't need somebody telling them all the ways that they're wrong or how they should be doing things different or doing things better because they're already feeling that, especially in this day and age.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: What they need is somebody cheering them on and supporting them and speaking truth into them and love and life into them.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so remember that as well.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to be your child's biggest supporter and biggest fan and biggest cheerleader.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of me in that moment feeling bad for myself, what I should have been doing was saying, Andrew, I'm so proud of you.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great time, go knock it out of the park.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that rings true for you.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing, and this is a little bit off topic of relationships with your kid or them leaving, but I just want to let you know that it's okay for you to do what's best for you too.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't say that through the lens of set toxic boundaries or be selfish or don't worry about what anybody else needs or wants and only think of yourself.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: I just say that because if it's not hurting anyone else, if it's not going to create a problem for them, you don't have to make choices just because you think it's gonna be the best thing for everybody else, or or let me rephrase that, you don't have to make choices just because you're worried about upsetting somebody or you want to make things easy for them if it's gonna create a problem for you.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: So let me give you an example.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: We give me you the example from this week.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I do think this is important to touch on because I do think as moms, we do this a lot.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: We really just we'll just do like whatever's best.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: You go with the flow, and maybe it wasn't the right thing for you, and then you end up miserable.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what happened to me.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: So my friend texts me a couple of weeks before we were getting ready to leave to take the kids back, and she said, Hey, this is the date I'm going in.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, and this is the hotel that I'm staying at.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you staying?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: So realize what happened there.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't ask me to stay with her or, you know, to make things easier that we could be at the same place.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nothing like that.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't put that on me.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: She just asked where I was staying.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, Well, okay, in my mind, I'll just stay where she's staying because then we can see each other.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be easier if we want to drive together.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have a hotel there that I like to stay at, but it's more important for me to, you know, be around for her and make it convenient.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just stay at that hotel.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, again, the first night Andrew drops me off and I was already upset about not getting to have a first dinner with him, which sounds ridiculous even as I'm saying it.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then I get into Totel, and I'm telling you the hotel is a dump.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can be pretty high maintenance, so I realize that, but this it was a dump.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: The AC was like clunky and making all kinds of noise.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't very clean.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: I went in, I was so sweaty from the day, so I'm like, let me just take a hot shower and I'll relax.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: I get in the shower, the bathtub is backed up, so now I'm standing in like ankle deep water that's dirty as I'm trying to shower.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was just after a long day and after being tired and moving your kid in all day, and then him just like throwing you to the hotel at 5:30, like all those things.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what am I doing?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just took a step back.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Brooke, you are fine.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: You are not that bougie.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a big deal.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you got out of college, there is a girl in you that camped across the country in a Jeep for four weeks and rarely showered.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when she did, it was in like campsite public showers.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: You are fine.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: In PS, there are people that have it way, way, way, way worse than this.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Some people don't even have showers to shower in or air conditioning and they live in very hot places.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, okay, talked myself off that ledge, slept fine, whatever.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: We go on to the next day.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day, again, a long day of shopping and errands and you know, Target, getting things for the house because we've got, you know, not just bedrooms, but the whole house to set up.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the hotel with my friend because the boys together that night were going out.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: She and I were gonna get cleaned up for dinner and then go somewhere nice together.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I get back to the hotel and I'm like, I don't think my air conditioning is working.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Take a hot shower, get out, and immediately start sweating.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, the AC is definitely not working.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this, I was like almost in tears because I was, I listen, okay, give me a break.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's traumatic, but also I'm menopausal and the the straw that breaks the camel's back for me is heat.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't sleep when it's hot.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: My poor husband sleeps in earmuffs.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need it cold or I can't function.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sweating, I'm red face, I'm all the things.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: So call the front desk.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: She comes up.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're right, your AC unit is broken.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have only one room left in the hotel and I'll move you there.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: What I would have typically done in days past or years past, I would have just moved to that room and been probably miserable the rest of the time and a little bit off, but sucked it up.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I took a step back.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Brooke, you, it's okay to do what is best for you and not worry about offending your friend because if she's a friend, she would want you to be comfortable and where you want to be.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: My husband had points for hotel.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't like there was no reason that I couldn't leave that hotel and go somewhere else.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: That hotel was on points.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: This other hotel that I could move to was gonna be on points.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was all gonna be fine.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, why am I going to make this hard on myself?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like sometimes, and I've done this in the past, like you make it hard on yourself just so you can be miserable, and that's stupid.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just so you can be a martyr or just so you can make everyone else happy when it it wasn't gonna hurt my friend in any way.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was also like, what is she gonna think about me?
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: If I is she gonna think I'm bougie at your high maintenance, like she's staying at this place, but she can't believe I'm moving.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if she's a friend, she's not gonna think that.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: And like, so what?
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: You still that you still should uh choose doing what's best for you, especially when you're working long days with your kid, you're already a little emotionally stressed.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like choose the things that you can do within circumstances that are somewhat out of your control to make it easier for you.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I couldn't control what my son was gonna do.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't control all the work there was to do.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I couldn't necessarily control control the stress that I was feeling or the little sleep that I was getting because there was so much to do.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I could have a say in control, like that I was gonna be comfortable and relaxed when I came back to this space and be happy in the space I was in.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so I made that decision.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: I moved to the hotel, I packed up my stuff.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: I decided if I was packing up anyway, I wasn't going down the hall because likely I could be in the same situation.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Moved hotels and it was no big deal, and I was far, far, far happier.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, lesson learned, and I hope that helps you.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's it was for me when I reflected and journaled on the week, because usually by Saturday or Sunday, I'll go through and just journal through spiritual lessons from the week or things that were wins or things that I needed to do better with.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: That was for me, this maybe this sounds really frivolous, but a win to see like in previous times I would have just let myself be miserable.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, you we have choices.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: We all have choices to choose.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Again, if it's not hurting somebody else, what's best for us, and we don't have to make choices based on whether somebody's gonna be happy with us or not, or whether they're gonna think poorly of us when there's no reason to.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think at this age, and as moms of older kids, we need to be mindful of that too, and especially when you're in stressful situations.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, make the choices and do the things you can to keep things as least stressful yourself as possible when you're in these move weeks.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last thing that I just want to touch on is just being there for our kids and showing up.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I just, for me, like that week, I realized acts of service is such a love language for me.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you've read that book by Gary Chapman.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: If not, you should check it out.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: But there's five love languages acts of service, physical touch, quality time.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: The other one is words of affirmation.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's one more that I can't see.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, gifts, gifts giving.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: And my love language is acts of service.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for most moms with their kids, a lot of us, it's acts of service, at least with them, because we want to care for them.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: We want to take care of them.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I said this to my friend the night that we went out together, that second night.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you know, I almost didn't come just because I was stressed and feeling anxious about the flight.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I thinking, like, Andrew can do this on his own.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably good for him to go and do this on his own.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I ended up going anyway.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, and the reason there were two reasons.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, I didn't want to let my friend down because then all the work on the house would have fallen on her.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: But number two, I took a step back and the perspective of like, we only get this is my last move-in with him because next year he'll be in the same house and all his stuff will be there and he'll be going in.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I only get, there's only so many college move-ins you have.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there's only, so many opportunities as they grow to continue to love on them by cleaning up their room and setting things up and and you know, getting things for them at Target and just being a mom to them, like doing things for them when they were little.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something to be said for that.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: It for me, it warms my mother's heart.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to, I wanted to be there to do that.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is my last college movement.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would encourage you, if you are dreading moving or dreading the work that comes with it and the shopping that goes along with it, and all of the things, I would just encourage you to remember, like as much of a hassle as it can be, it can also be a gift and it's fleeting.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's fleeting.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think just to be grateful for every moment, even when it stinks and you're carrying furniture and heavy bags up and down the stairs, just remember that it's time to love on your kids and those moments are fleeting.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: So they can also be depleting, but I don't know.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: It just, it just for me, that that really warms my my mom's heart.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so the flip side of that is in my mind, are we doing too much for them?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a line between helping them and loving on them, getting their things situated and unpacking for them, and like, okay, we're crossing the line, we're doing so much that they're not gonna know how to live their own lives.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's keep that in mind too.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: One last thing, because this is getting really long as well.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: I probably could have done three segments on this that I noticed with my son, I he was eating and I just hit the ground running.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: I like to things get things done.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: I like to go, go, go, go, go.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I started unpacking all of his clothes and I was hanging them up in his closet and organizing them.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he came up and he was like, What are you doing?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think he wanted to say like stop it, but he was like stopped himself and said, That's okay.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's I guess it's fine.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then gently a little bit later, he's like, Mom, I'll do my clothes.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you want, at least just put them on hangers, but don't do anything else.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized too, like, take a step back and just be mindful of this as well as you go through your time with your kids.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, put yourself in their shoes.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: He was excited, like, to have his first room in his closet and organize it the way he wanted to.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't want his mother doing that for him.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: And as much as I want to love on him, he wants to do it himself, and that's fine.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Take a step back and don't be pushy and don't like let let him let her let them do it.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I just it's hard.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: I try to put myself in his shoes and think about how I was at that age and what he must be thinking and feeling, and what is it that he actually needs from me, and balancing that with how I'm feeling and what is best, what I think is best for him.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just is a lot to manage.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, but it's also really rewarding.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, once I got at that that last day, I was sort of waiting for him to come back to the room so I could see him one more time before I left the next day.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was leaving like late morning and I text him and said, Are you coming back?
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, This event's running long.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll try.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I just hit a wall, I was exhausted just physically.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, what am I doing here?
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting here waiting for sitting in his house.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: Two of his roommates are here downstairs.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting in his bedroom, waiting for him to come back.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: And he's got somewhere else that he has to be right after that.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm and I'm exhausted.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you know what?
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: Enough.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: I went back to the hotel.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: I booked an early flight in the morning, I had an early night, I had a nice dinner at the hotel lobby by myself.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: I relaxed.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: I got home earlier.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he texts me when I got back to the hotel.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, as it happens, I get back to the hotel, I'm eating dinner, I get a text.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on my way back to the house now.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Well, I already left.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't, it wasn't like that.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I already, I just left recently.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm back at the hotel.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Well, are you coming back?
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, No, probably not tonight.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Are you coming back in the morning?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said, No, I ended up booking an early flight.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Don't get me wrong.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to see you.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really, really, really want to see you and I really want to spend time with you.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I didn't text this to make him feel bad, but I said, I know you're very busy, you've got things going on, you're excited to be with your friends.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need me like sitting there waiting for you.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't need to be responsible for coming back to see me.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: Glad I had the time with you.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, and for tomorrow morning, I just figured that you would want to sleep in after a busy couple days, relax, have an easy morning with your friends.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna get an early flight and that'll be that.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he texted me back and said, Love you.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that was enough for me to say, yep, Brooke, you needed to say that, you needed to communicate it, and you made the right decision to back off.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so, and then what happens is full circle when we can do that.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: I do think he respected that and he was probably grateful for that.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really nice to get the love you back.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, forcing ourselves on our kids and pushing the relationship and pushing for more time spent or whatever it is is not necessarily what's gonna build or grow your relationship.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: So just be mindful of that.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: Man, you guys, I don't know.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I I don't know about today's episode.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have to let me know because I feel like I just chatted my way around, like, I feel like it was the Brooke show, and I don't want it to be that.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to just get on here and talk about my life and all my problems.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to let me know.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping that you're going through this too, and what I talked about was useful to you.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: I really, really do because that's the point.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: The point is not for me to just talk about all things brook, but let me know, reach out, let me know how things are going for you.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if you are in the midst of college move-in and college drop-off, but your kids are getting ready to move on from the house or whatever that looks like for you.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how it's going.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: Again, let me know if there is something specific that you want me to address.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always happy to do that.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can reach out to me and get me via email at Brooke with an E on the end at thestillwellmom.com.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely go check out the website, Instagram, and Facebook for all things still well mom and what's happening there.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in the middle of revamping the website, so I'm super excited about that.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just glad you guys are here.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't wait for our next conversation.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that you don't have to do midlife alone.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can always choose stewardship over striving, and you can be strong in body, steady in mind, and rooted in faith.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.