Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Self-Leadership for Women: Let Go of Control, Set Boundaries & Heal Without Guilt with Kate Lenihan

Transcript

Self-Leadership for Women: Let Go of Control, Set Boundaries & Heal Without Guilt with Kate Lenihan · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

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  And, and I think allowing ourselves to, to not only become
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  aware of it, but also releasing the guilt around asking a
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  partner, a spouse, a child, a parent, a community member, a
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  friend, whatever, whoever that person is in your life asking
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  for help. Because at the end of the day,
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  you know it. Each human being, I believe each
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  human being is, is deeply worthy of dignity, respect, all of
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  these things. And with that comes being able
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  to express what you need safely. And asking for help is no
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  different because it we have, we have somehow conflated asking
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  for help. Yes, I would say it's completely
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  the opposite. Asking for help is the brave
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  thing to say. I'm not the best equipped person
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  or I don't have the mental bandwidth for this thing right
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  now. I need to release it to you in
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  some way, shape or form. And what does that look like?
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  Hello and welcome back to The Field Podcast This week.
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  I'm here with a new friend and she and I connected a while ago
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  in 2025, so I'm excited to finally be able to get some time
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  with her here on the podcast here in 2026.
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  Caitlin, Ahan and I connected through my good friends at Pod
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  Match. I don't know what I'd do without
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  them. I have met the most amazing
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  women through this organization. I'm so thankful to be proud of
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  and proud to be part of this and Kate's introduction.
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  We're going to talk a little bit about this because if you've
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  been with me for a while, you know that I introduced guests by
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  their character traits, not what they do.
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  I want you to really meet them as who they are because I really
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  believe foundationally that's where we need to operate from,
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  to have that firm foundation not be identified by our titles and
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  roles and responsibilities, but who we are as women.
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  And Kate, in her introduction to me, not knowing this about me or
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  my podcast, has in the paragraph that she said in her intro to
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  me. At my core, I'm curious,
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  grounded, empathetic, and known for bringing humor and clarity
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  to deeply emotional conversations.
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  And I was like, boom, she already gets it.
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  I don't even have to ask her for her character traits.
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  She actually introduced herself to me with those character
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  traits. That is such a powerful thing.
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  And so I, I, I was like, I don't know even know what else she's
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  going to say, but I already know that I want to talk to her
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  because she has that understanding about herself,
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  which is such a gift. And she really helps women
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  entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, release the idea that you have
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  to do it all yourself. Understand that it's good and
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  healthy to ask for help. It's OK to delegate.
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  It's actually makes you a good leader.
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  When you bring other people in, when you allow yourselves to
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  release control, take in some other insights, allow some
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  people to take a load off of your shoulders.
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  And so she talked, she talks to clients about and she helps
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  women with releasing that guilt of asking for help, redefining
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  control and self worth through delegation, setting boundaries
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  to support a regulated nervous system.
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  This one was so interesting to me and it's actually when I
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  thought about it in my own journey.
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  And this is going to come up because Kate hasn't always lived
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  in this space. And we're going to listen to her
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  talk through the talking points today and, and get to know her
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  journey and how she got to where she is now, but how doing it all
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  is often a trauma response. So we're going to dive into that
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  and the real clock cost physically, emotionally,
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  financially of over functioning. You know that I'm passionate
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  here about the impact of the mental, emotional, physical,
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  spiritual, financial, sexual health.
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  They're all connected. They all feed it off of each
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  other. And so in this introduction, I
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  was like, Oh my gosh, yes. Whatever it is you're doing with
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  these resources you have, I want to know you.
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  Kate Lenihan, welcome to the field.
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  Podcast. Thank you so much, Melissa.
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  It's so good to finally be here and be able to have this
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  conversation. It's one of my favorite things
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  to do. Yeah, yeah, we're going to get
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  right into it as I you know, you know where you are now, you know
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  who you are now. But let's start with self-care.
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  And some people don't like that term.
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  So maybe it's self leadership or self reflection or self
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  preservation. However it is, you want to call
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  it, of taking care of yourself and know that prioritizing that
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  is necessary for you to operate at the healthiest, most present
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  level you want to be operating at.
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  Talk to me about your understanding and journey of
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  getting to that point where you knew this was necessary.
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  That's so many questions wrapped into one.
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  I know I really love talking about and reframing delegation
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  as self-care, right. As women, we are school
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  self-care in the form of massages and facials and and
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  those things are self-care too, 100%.
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  But delegation and really releasing guilt about asking for
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  help, It's so pivotal to our well-being as as women.
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  I, I think right, we all carry all different roles.
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  Whether you're a parent, whether you're an eldest daughter,
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  whether you're caring for an aging parent, whether you're
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  working full time, whatever it is, the mental load that we
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  often see expressed in memes or social media posts are so
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  prevalent. And they're prevalent because
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  they're true and that that mental load is invisible.
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  And so people don't often see what every what somebody around
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  you or what the people around you are carrying.
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  And so I think that the first step is just kind of becoming
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  aware and almost taking an inventory of all of the things
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  that you're managing on a regular day-to-day basis.
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  Because again, as women, we're like, I'm just doing what I have
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  to do and moving on to the next thing and go, go, go, go, go
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  until you collapse in bed at night or you're doom scrolling.
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  And, and I think allowing ourselves to, to not only become
• 6:53
  aware of it, but also releasing the guilt around asking a
• 7:00
  partner, a spouse, a child, a parent, a community member, a
• 7:05
  friend, whatever, whoever that person is in your life asking
• 7:11
  for help. Because at the end of the day,
• 7:15
  you know it. Each human being, I believe each
• 7:18
  human being is, is deeply worthy of dignity, respect, all of
• 7:24
  these things. And with that comes being able
• 7:28
  to express what you need safely. And asking for help is no
• 7:35
  different because it we have, we have somehow conflated asking
• 7:41
  for help. Yes, I would say it's completely
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  the opposite. Asking for help is the brave
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  thing to say. I'm not the best equipped person
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  or I don't have the mental bandwidth for this thing right
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  now. I need to release it to you in
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  some way, shape or form. And what does that look like?
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  Yeah, yeah, I think that is such an important piece.
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  It's because when you're asking, it's a self-awareness that it
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  did exist there. That takes some really some
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  reflection and getting to know yourself, to understand about
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  yourself. There's a lot of wisdom in that
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  I. And I will tell you I have not
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  always been here and I am still known to rearrange the
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  dishwasher or refold the clothes, even if I have asked
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  for help with it. Like because I, you know, and
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  and you talked in the introduction about over
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  functioning. And that was a that was a term
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  my therapist introduced to me a few years ago.
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  She was like, yeah, I think you maybe have a little bit of over
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  functioning. And I think some over
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  functioning is a result of us operating under the pretense
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  that we can control the outcome or we can control the the
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  experience of another person. And and those things are really
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  outside of our control. And so over functioning really
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  only burns you out. Over functioning doesn't allow
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  the people around you to help you.
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  One I forget, I'm gonna forget where I heard this quote or I
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  read this quote, but it was like when you don't accept help, you
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  are actually denying somebody else's need and and desire to
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  support you. Yeah, I heard that for the first
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  time from a friend probably 2025 years ago now.
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  And she's a she's a friend of mine.
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  That was her, her youngest daughter and my oldest daughter,
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  really good friend. She's a pastor's wife, and so
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  she was very accustomed to being asked about a lot of things.
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  And she's like, I've had to learn that I don't need to do
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  everything. I shouldn't be doing everything.
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  I can't really do everything well at all.
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  And I'm denying someone else the opportunity that maybe is does
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  have that gift. Does that have desire, has that
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  in their makeup that that's where they want to give from
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  something they've been, you know, really felt feel called to
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  or moved to or they're built for.
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  And I was like, that's a really, really healthy way and
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  insightful way of looking at that.
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  I think too, the control thing is, so it's delusional really.
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  I mean, because, and I think for me, like from my background, I
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  grew up in a very emotionally and mentally chaotic households.
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  And so trying to navigate behaviors of myself and I was
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  the oldest daughter and my brothers so that I didn't set
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  off or they didn't set off my parents in any way.
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  And so that sense of trying to control environments to protect
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  your, but I didn't understand at the time as a child, but I
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  learned to understand through therapy is just trying to create
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  the safe environments as possible for as mentally and
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  emotionally. And so a lot of times that I
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  think goes into that trauma response of I got to control
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  this, I got to handle this, I understand what's coming, yes.
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  And I can't trust anybody else with it.
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  I've got to take care of it. They don't know what I know.
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  And so we carry this kind of narrative along with this.
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  And it's can be very debilitating.
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  And you have to get to a point where you're willing to do the
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  work and just release like these, these are the things I
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  can do. And from here, it's AI can't
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  control it. B.
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  It's not my responsibility to. Yes, yes, when I say that to my
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  kids a lot actually like not because I think right, like, and
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  I have my own reactions at home where sometimes like I'm my
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  moods are all over the place at times too.
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  I there was a a lot happening in my personal life over the last
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  decade as I learned to become a parent and to the point where
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  when if I would cry my my kids be like, are you OK?
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  And I'd be, I would tell them like, thank you for caring and
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  also my emotions are not your responsibility.
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  Like was, I think we, we, those are things we learn to carry
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  early and carry and then manage and, or try to fix and those
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  kinds of behaviors like I, I always want to.
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  Sometimes grief is necessary. Sometimes grief is self-care,
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  right? Like self-care can come in so
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  many different forms. And like a release through grief
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  or through crying or through an emotion is just as much
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  self-care as getting the massage because our body, our nervous
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  system needs to regulate in that way.
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  And I mean, don't like, I'm not a therapist.
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  I've just been through a lot of therapy.
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  I've had a therapist, I've had a conscious leadership coach.
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  I've had all kinds of mentors and amazing women in my life
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  that have helped get me to this point I am today.
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  But you know, one thing I discovered is and still work on
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  to this day is detaching from the outcome of the task that you
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  are releasing as a form of self-care, whether it is the
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  dishwasher or the laundry or the meal planning.
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  Detaching from the result is like, am I going to get fed?
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  I'm going to get fed. I can, I can fully release this,
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  right? Trying to detach from it in a
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  way that it's going to get done. It might not get done the way I
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  would do it, but I'm going to give somebody else the gift of
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  doing it. Yeah, absolutely.
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  I love that. And we have my husband and I
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  have funny laundry stories and dish stories about our
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  expectations of what those things should look like versus
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  who is it getting done? Is there more than a right one
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  right way to do things? Absolutely.
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  But this really segues nicely into healthy boundaries.
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  When did you realize these were necessary?
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  And how do you help others kind of navigate that as well?
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  So this might require a little bit more of a anecdotal journey
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  for us to go on. I, I got married in 2010.
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  We had our first child in 2012 and 2014 we had our 2nd and we
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  were moving from Colorado to Connecticut.
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  And when we were in route, basically on our move, I, my
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  dad's partner at the time, brought me into a situation
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  where he had always been a, a high functioning alcoholic.
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  And however he was, he was at the very beginning of a, of a
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  massive spiral. And that was when she brought in
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  like I had always known the high functioning alcoholic part of
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  it, but I didn't know how bad it got.
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  And, and his partner brought me into it as we were in route on
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  our move. And so being the eldest
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  daughter, being the one who is going to kind of be the boots on
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  the ground in the same state where he lived, my brother was
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  across the country. It it kind of fell on me and I
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  had a four year old and I had a 2 year old or excuse me at the
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  time they were like 3 and 1. And I was like, oh, OK, this is
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  going to be really tricky to navigate.
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  I was trying to launch a work from home business.
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  I was, I was a new parent. We were moving cross country.
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  My husband worked seven days a week.
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  It was, it was complete chaos. And so when I really had to take
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  stock of what I could, what I could do now, I lived in denial
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  for a very long time. And I white knuckled it and I
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  gained a ton of weight and I ate my feelings.
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  And I did all the things that get you to a point where you're
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  like, not this, Yeah, Not this, Yeah.
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  And there were some situations with my dad where I, I had to
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  put a boundary into place and, and, and my brother put it to me
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  beautifully. He was like, a boundary can feel
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  like crap and it can still be the right thing to do because
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  you're not putting a boundary into place to punish someone
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  else. You're putting the boundary into
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  place to protect your own peace and your own values, your own
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  operating system. And those things are so
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  monumental to how we ultimately then end up for showing up for
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  our family and so on and so forth.
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  Now, I wish I could tell you it ended there, but the cycle kind
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  of kept on going and repeated. Then again with my mom and the
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  kids were older that they started demonstrating some
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  habits that they were kind of mimicking from what they saw for
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  my mom. And I was like, not this.
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  And we actually like just removed ourselves completely
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  from the situation. And again, boundaries are the
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  thing that even if it feels wrong, is likely the right thing
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  to do to protect yourself or to protect your if if to protect no
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  one else, protect your relationship with your partner
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  or your children or who whoever that person is.
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  But boundaries are a gift that doesn't always feel like a gift.
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  Yeah, Yeah. That's a great way to put that
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  because I think one of the things I say to women when I'm
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  working with them is if you're continually asked to abandon
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  yourself, that is a sign that a boundary needs to be spoken
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  there, communicated there, and you, oh, and they may not.
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  Whoever you're communicating it to, they may not like it.
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  They probably won't. They're very accustomed to you
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  showing up in a way that's very convenient for them.
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  It's not your responsibility how they respond.
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  Now we communicate it kindly but kindly, but firmly and as many
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  times as it takes for them to either get it or be like you can
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  either respect the boundary or I can love you from afar.
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  Yes. And and but it's if the
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  question, if the answer to yourself abandoned question is
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  yes, this is asking me to abandon myself, then that's what
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  you need to know and that's what you need to honor I.
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  Could not agree more. The self abandonment is so, so
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  key to to this conversation is and I and I love that you put it
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  like that. If you and and sometimes you
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  might not even know what self abandonment looks like.
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  Yeah, but kind of, I mean, just becoming aware for me was always
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  like step one. It's just like, how does that
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  feel familiar or why does that feel familiar?
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  Like that was the conscious leadership coach that I, I even
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  continued to work with to this day.
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  It was one of the favorite reflection kind of prompts that
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  she taught me was like, where is this coming from?
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  Or how is this familiar? What?
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  Like, am I feeling this because I'm asking if somebody's asking
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  me to abandon myself and my values or, you know, the other
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  term she uses often is a full body, yes.
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  If it's not a full body yes, Full body no, and and it's and
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  it's that it like it it. It sounds oversimplified and it
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  is absolutely a practice, but but modeling these boundaries,
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  really becoming aware of what it feels like in your body.
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  Do you heat up? Do you start sweating?
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  Do your cheeks get flushed? What happens physiologically to
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  help? Give you the clues.
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  In terms of what's happening that maybe your brain is trying
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  to protect you from. Yeah, so true.
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  Oh, that's so good. Thank you so much for that.
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  And this girl that goes nicely into that mental, emotional,
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  physical health impact that happens to us that we don't
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  always realize. It took me years to make those
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  connections and to see what was happening was impacting like
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  these physical outcries from my body were a result of these
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  mental and emotional stressors, financial stressors, sexual
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  health stress, different stressors that I was stuffing
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  because they weren't convenient or society had told me it wasn't
• 20:30
  proper for me to talk about or, or society.
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  That's that's not you know, that's not what how a woman
• 20:38
  should talk. I mean, there's just so much
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  garbage and you talked about this when we when you're getting
• 20:43
  ready to get on and record, we have to do so much unlearning
• 20:47
  and relearning when we start honoring ourselves and paying
• 20:50
  attention to the messages that we're getting from ourselves,
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  our inner knowing, learning to actually trust that and not
• 20:58
  believing the lie that it's untrustworthy.
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  It's actually absolutely trustworthy, and you were built
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  with it on purpose to guide and honor and protect yourself.
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  Yeah, so and I talked about this in the intro where you talk
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  about how you really help women identify these things.
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  Talk to me about your own journey with this, what you've
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  learned from it, how it's helped you understand how to how you
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  operate today. I think as, as women, we are
• 21:29
  taught at a very young age to, to question that knowing, to
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  question that intuition. And we've gotten as a, as the
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  female species, we've gotten really good at gaslighting
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  ourselves. And I think that working like
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  the like a kind of coming back to this awareness piece and, and
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  the awareness piece is, is everything, right?
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  And so in one thing I had to to work on unlearning was just
• 21:59
  recognizing the moment for what it was, whether it's an
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  accomplishment, whether it's checking something off A to do
• 22:06
  list. I mean, I'm a big, I'm a big To
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  Do List person. I love crossing something off.
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  But what I was finding was that I would cross something off and
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  I'd be like, OK, but I still have 15 things to do.
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  And so I was constantly moving that goal post on myself, right?
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  I was constantly beating myself up.
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  Nobody like I didn't have a boss who was like, you did a crappy
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  job. Like I would make a mistake and
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  I would have a full body reaction to making that mistake.
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  I would get nauseous. I would get the cold sweats.
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  Like, I mean, talk about perfectionism and it's, and it's
• 22:40
  in an advanced form, but like the, the emotional health, if
• 22:45
  you have something unhealed buried deep within that you've
• 22:50
  never addressed or recognized or become or, or consciously become
• 22:54
  aware of, it will manifest physically in your body and then
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  it will also manifest in your behavior.
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  Whether like for me, the perfectionism, I was so afraid
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  of making mistakes. I actually made more mistakes
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  because I was so focused on not making a mistake or not making
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  somebody upset that I subconsciously or unconsciously
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  made more, which and then I would be like, or I would
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  gaslight myself or like the the lengths that our brain will go
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  to to protect our own identity and keep us safe and
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  comfortable. And listen, again, I'm not a
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  doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist or
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  psychologist. I don't have any therapeutic
• 23:37
  training. But what I will say is through
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  my own experiences, through my own healing journey and working
• 23:44
  with professionals, the the length that your brain will go
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  to to keep your comfort level reality safe.
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  Yeah. Wild.
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  It really is. It really is.
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  And it's I had to learn like that.
• 24:03
  I was living in this hyper vigilant state all the time.
• 24:06
  I was constantly fighting off the lions or the imaginary lions
• 24:11
  and I had to like go back and tell my younger self, I got you
• 24:16
  at different ages. We don't have to operate like
• 24:20
  this anymore. Not everything is a lion.
• 24:22
  Not everything is a fire. Not everything is urgent.
• 24:26
  Not everything has to be done by me and I also had to learn that
• 24:32
  our our nervous systems ID identify comfort as safety.
• 24:37
  And when we're comfortable in these very unhealthy patterns
• 24:41
  that we're unlearning, it feels uncomfortable for a while as
• 24:45
  we're transitioning and relearning because we have to
• 24:50
  retrain our nervous system. I got this.
• 24:54
  Yes, I'm safe now. Such a beautiful way to put it.
• 24:58
  Like that's exactly right. Like you're the hyper vigilance,
• 25:01
  the nervous system constantly in that fight or flight and, and,
• 25:06
  and then having to kind of chip away at it piece by piece,
• 25:09
  little by little and consciously choosing that right?
• 25:12
  Like that's like recommitting to that action or that unlearning a
• 25:17
  little bit every day. Or when you're having kind of
• 25:21
  like that knee jerk reaction just, OK, I'm going to, I'm
• 25:24
  going to lean back and then close my eyes and I'm going to
• 25:26
  breathe for five. And and that alone helps to just
• 25:32
  ground you and reposition or reframe that that mindset and
• 25:36
  that reaction space, I think. Yeah, yeah.
• 25:39
  I had to learn the key thing I've learned.
• 25:40
  And if any any of the listeners who have followed me for a while
• 25:43
  heard me talk about, I had to move into curiosity instead of
• 25:46
  judgement, getting curious about why this is coming up rather
• 25:51
  than judging myself for it. Which then leads me to be more
• 25:55
  empathetic and apply that to others as well, because I've
• 25:58
  learned to apply it to myself and it's a work in progress.
• 26:01
  I like. It's still a very much a part of
• 26:04
  how I have to operate in and put that in all the time.
• 26:08
  But that was a real game changer for me is that curiosity over
• 26:11
  judgment piece. And it starts with us.
• 26:16
  You yeah, absolutely. The, the curiosity piece, one of
• 26:20
  the things that the conscious leadership coach I worked with
• 26:23
  focuses on regularly and, and it's been adopted into every
• 26:28
  role that I play in life, whether it's leadership skills
• 26:32
  and just having conversations. Instead of making the assumption
• 26:37
  that somebody did something wrong on purpose or said
• 26:41
  something a certain way and meant it a certain way.
• 26:43
  Instead, just approaching things from that curious standpoint and
• 26:48
  really trying to understand what are my biases about this?
• 26:55
  Where, where are my blind thoughts about this?
• 27:00
  One thing that's been helpful for me too is I did, I'm a big
• 27:04
  personality assessment person, but my favorite has been the
• 27:08
  Enneagram. And the Enneagram has really
• 27:13
  allowed me to understand some of my own core motivations and also
• 27:19
  my blind spots so that I'm able to say, OK, I'm unconsciously
• 27:25
  thinking this, But if I get curious, if I lean into that
• 27:29
  curiosity, what changes how, how does that change how I feel
• 27:35
  about it? How is it going to feel for the
• 27:37
  person on the other end to receive that?
• 27:40
  And and as a leadership tool, it's really a fascinating like
• 27:46
  that curiosity then allows us to lead with empathy and stay
• 27:51
  grounded in the moment as well, instead of spinning stories in
• 27:56
  our brains that get carried away.
• 27:58
  And that all of a sudden you hate your Co worker because
• 28:02
  you've spun this story when really all they said was OK in
• 28:06
  text and you've spun this story about how they don't care and
• 28:08
  they were done a lot. Like it's insane.
• 28:11
  Yeah, it really is. It's that hold we let them spin
• 28:14
  and then we treat these thoughts as truth instead of getting
• 28:18
  curious and be that hold. What?
• 28:19
  Back up a minute. Let's pause for a moment here
• 28:22
  and, and, and go back a little bit.
• 28:24
  Yeah, there's so much truth to that when you now help people
• 28:31
  identify where they need support, you know, specifically
• 28:35
  in businesses. Talk to me about that time as
• 28:37
  you learn these things about yourself, as you move through
• 28:40
  and worked and continue to grow, when you decided, wait a minute.
• 28:45
  I've learned a lot of really important, helpful tools here,
• 28:48
  and I think I can help others as well.
• 28:51
  This to me is, you know, really a way that you live out showing
• 28:57
  up unapologetically, both for yourself and for other women.
• 29:00
  Like you've learned what these things mean.
• 29:04
  You've learned what it means to show up for yourself, to to be
• 29:07
  kind to yourself, to be empathetic, to be curious, to
• 29:11
  unlearn and relearn. And that has LED you to like I
• 29:15
  can also, I can really help other people with this.
• 29:18
  So talk to me about that kind of Segway into deciding this is
• 29:22
  where I'm going to show up here and really support.
• 29:25
  Yeah, so I, when I started my, my work from home career, I had
• 29:31
  a six month old baby and I was just hoping to have enough
• 29:34
  clients that were sustainable and legitimate enough to help
• 29:38
  supplement the income instead of paying for two kids in daycare
• 29:41
  and walking away with $20 extra out of my paycheck a month.
• 29:46
  And as I started to go through the process and, and I, I was
• 29:50
  very fortunate to be introduced to and partnered with some, some
• 29:55
  really amazing people in the digital marketing industry.
• 30:00
  I had some really interesting leaders.
• 30:02
  I had some really unhealed leaders.
• 30:05
  And, and I worked for a while at an agency that matched clients
• 30:11
  with virtual assistants. And through that journey, I
• 30:15
  really started to understand that people had a lot of guilt
• 30:20
  and shame, even the men that we worked with men less, but women
• 30:24
  for sure had a lot of shame around delegating and asking for
• 30:29
  help. And we're also the very first
• 30:33
  ones to throw in the towel the second anything went wrong
• 30:36
  because it confirmed their pre-existing bias that it won't
• 30:40
  get done right if I won't do it if I don't do it.
• 30:44
  And so the, so for me, you know, and I kind of once I evolved
• 30:50
  from that position, I went on, I was, I've worked in, you know,
• 30:53
  client experience and client done a lot of like operations
• 30:56
  and project management. And when I, when I kind of came
• 31:00
  back to these roots, what, what I really love about this, what I
• 31:05
  do now and the women that I serve now is the, is really
• 31:10
  giving somebody a place to, to be seen and really helping them
• 31:15
  understand that you're not actually resistant to
• 31:18
  delegating. You're resistant to giving up
• 31:22
  control. You're scared of what the
• 31:25
  outcome is probably going to look like.
• 31:27
  And you, you aren't sure how to trust somebody because you've
• 31:32
  been the one to carry it all for so long all by yourself.
• 31:35
  Yeah, yeah. Because I was her right?
• 31:39
  I was that I was convinced that nobody would do it right if I
• 31:43
  didn't do it myself. I didn't trust even that my
• 31:46
  husband would do it right. Even if I gave him the 10 step
• 31:50
  manual that I put together in the checklist and all the things
• 31:53
  like he still wasn't going to do it right, right.
• 31:55
  I had this story in my head. And so I think especially for
• 31:58
  women, we've created this narrative for ourselves that
• 32:02
  says I'm not as strong or I'm not as good of a mom or I'm not
• 32:09
  as good of an entrepreneur if I don't do it all, if I don't
• 32:13
  carry it all. And really that's just making us
• 32:15
  sick and miserable. Yes.
• 32:19
  Like it's just, it's like then we're just, we're just crap for
• 32:23
  everybody. We're just, we're, we're not
• 32:26
  great. We're not showing up 100% for
• 32:28
  our spouse or if we have kids or for an age, like whatever the
• 32:32
  role is in your life, we're not going up at 100% for anybody
• 32:36
  because you are white knuckling your way through it.
• 32:39
  And so I think the, the solution is like the if said it earlier,
• 32:46
  the the brave thing to do is to ask for help.
• 32:48
  And the brave thing is to for me, this also comes back to
• 32:54
  boundaries. And so if if the resistance
• 32:57
  delegation is about the control or the trust or the fear around
• 33:01
  it, then setting the boundaries or giving a container about of
• 33:06
  what success looks like or agreeing on what the outcome
• 33:13
  looks like ideally is what then helps the deliverability of it.
• 33:19
  So you're setting relationship up for success, the symbiotic
• 33:24
  kind of relationship of like, OK, I need this done and I'm
• 33:30
  going to give it to you. And I don't feel good about it
• 33:33
  because I don't trust you're going to do it right.
• 33:34
  But here's how I want it done right.
• 33:36
  And that's kind of serves as like the bridge to that thing.
• 33:40
  So you're giving the instructions, you're defining
• 33:44
  what success looks like, and then the other person is able to
• 33:48
  deliver in a way that is meaningful.
• 33:51
  So you don't immediately feel like, see, I was right, I was
• 33:54
  right. I knew nobody could do it like
• 33:56
  me. Well, that clear communication
• 33:59
  piece, I think we, we so many times we're guilty of thinking
• 34:03
  people are mind readers. And, and so that clear
• 34:06
  communication piece, I think it's also something in, of
• 34:11
  recognizing there's that there can be more than one way to do
• 34:15
  something well, and it doesn't always have to be our way.
• 34:20
  And it's, and it's kind of freeing when you can actually,
• 34:24
  oh, OK, and I learned something today.
• 34:27
  And, and there's, there's multiple ways this can be done.
• 34:32
  Talk to me about how your values in your why really inform how
• 34:36
  you show up in this space. Because I think that this, this
• 34:41
  has been a shaping that's happened for you overtime.
• 34:43
  You've really realized this is what I value.
• 34:46
  This is what drives me. This is what motivates me.
• 34:49
  This is what gives me hope. Talk to me about how that
• 34:51
  informs. I think you know, from where I
• 34:56
  said I've been in a really unique position where I've been
• 34:58
  in like the hiring manager seat and I've also been in the
• 35:01
  virtual assistant seat where where somebody's managing me or
• 35:04
  where I'm managing somebody that I've hired.
• 35:07
  And so I've had this unique perspective in terms of hiring,
• 35:11
  in terms of delegation and in the clear communication in that
• 35:14
  way. And it's funny because I created
• 35:16
  a piece of content around this a few months ago and it was like,
• 35:20
  you don't want a clone of yourself.
• 35:23
  You know, people are like, oh, I wish I could have a clone of
• 35:25
  myself. No, you don't.
• 35:26
  Because here's the thing, as a business owner, you started your
• 35:30
  business for one particular reason, because you were really
• 35:33
  passionate and really good at one thing or one set of things
• 35:38
  and the other stuff that a business requires, you're not
• 35:41
  great at. You're, you know, and, and this
• 35:43
  is almost always true with any kind of visionary entrepreneur.
• 35:47
  You've got the vision, you've got the, the, all the fire and
• 35:52
  all the ideas and everything else, but you don't always take
• 35:55
  it to the finish line. And so you don't want to clone
• 35:58
  yourself. You want to hire somebody who
• 36:00
  balances your visionary. You want somebody who's going to
• 36:04
  take things the final mile. You want somebody who's going to
• 36:08
  take your vision. You know, kind of like in the
• 36:11
  Super Bowl, you want to throw it down the field and you want
• 36:14
  somebody to catch it and run it safely into the end zone.
• 36:17
  And my husband would be so proud of that what up for right now,
• 36:24
  But he but The thing is, is that the ultimate goal when it comes
• 36:30
  to delegation is to give somebody the blue blueprint,
• 36:35
  communicate the goal and the why around what is the goal of the
• 36:40
  thing? And then have them do it a few
• 36:43
  times. And if they are the right person
• 36:46
  that you should be delegating to, they're going to offer a
• 36:49
  better process or way like that. And I think the value for me
• 36:55
  around that, right? Like my why is I, I've had so
• 36:59
  many people along the way over the last decade plus, both
• 37:03
  personally and professionally invest in my growth and
• 37:06
  development. That growth and development is a
• 37:10
  huge value for me because I want to see people successful.
• 37:14
  I want to see people trusting. I want to see people who are
• 37:20
  able to lean back into why they started their business in the
• 37:24
  1st place or lean back into the version of the mom that they
• 37:29
  thought they were going to get to be, but didn't because their
• 37:32
  parents were navigating other things that they had to present
• 37:36
  for. Right.
• 37:37
  So like I and, and perhaps some of my own story and informs that
• 37:42
  as well in terms of I didn't get to choose some of these things.
• 37:48
  And so I want to help people create systems and port systems
• 37:53
  that allow them this gift really, I mean really a gift to
• 38:00
  be able to be held and be seen and be supported and to have a
• 38:07
  partner by your side who gets it and is willing to help you
• 38:11
  execute on it. So good.
• 38:14
  And this goes really nicely into expectations because we tend to
• 38:18
  set expectations, live out of these external expectations,
• 38:22
  societally, culturally. You taught.
• 38:25
  You mean you lost your parents in a way that you weren't
• 38:28
  expecting. Right.
• 38:30
  And so then you had to figure out how to navigate that, grieve
• 38:33
  that, how do I move through this and move forward with this, this
• 38:36
  thing I wasn't expecting navigating starting a business
• 38:40
  with kids because if you live in the US, child care costs are
• 38:44
  ridiculous. I, I stopped working when I, my
• 38:46
  third one was born and stayed home for 10 years, stayed home.
• 38:50
  It's kind of a loose term because I was very, you know,
• 38:53
  very busy, very busy, but was not part of my original plan.
• 38:57
  But, you know, but I had to, you know, I just, but so, and many
• 39:01
  times too, I think when people like, I need help, I just don't
• 39:03
  know what to do. You have to really work with
• 39:05
  them on their expectations and like who, who's, who's this,
• 39:09
  this complex you have that you have to do everything.
• 39:11
  Who's the expectation? Is that?
• 39:13
  Where, where are you getting that from?
• 39:15
  Right. Let's let's unpack that and be
• 39:17
  realistic about that and the importance of communicating to
• 39:21
  ourselves and to others clearly what our expectations are and
• 39:27
  then releasing the things that you aren't going to set the
• 39:31
  world on fire. You know, whether it's a filing
• 39:35
  system or it gets called first or, or the way this the
• 39:39
  spreadsheet is structured or, you know, whatever it is that
• 39:43
  you're getting hung up on. And so, but I think in order to
• 39:48
  help other people navigate these, you have to really learn
• 39:50
  how to manage your own and live out of your own first.
• 39:54
  So talk to me kind of about your journey with that and how you
• 39:57
  help people. And you're also dealing with,
• 39:59
  I'm throwing a lot at you right now.
• 40:01
  So I really, if you need to come back and have me restate stuff,
• 40:04
  that's totally good. But also it comes to mind the
• 40:06
  virtual assistants thing and AI, like some people are just like,
• 40:10
  oh, I don't know, that feels so uncomfortable to me.
• 40:13
  So also kind of being clear about actually what is true
• 40:18
  about that versus not. And but it's all built around
• 40:22
  this expectations model. Well, I think expectations are
• 40:26
  such a slippery slope, right? I think, I think as small
• 40:33
  business owners, as women, we create a lot of expectations for
• 40:38
  ourselves. We perpetuate a lot of
• 40:42
  expectations that society has given us.
• 40:45
  And I think that we have been very much conditioned to put our
• 40:50
  own needs and desires aside in service to others, which of
• 40:55
  course then serves no one. But all that builds is right
• 41:02
  resentment and self sacrificing behavior and mindsets that we
• 41:05
  then inevitably can pass on to our, our, the next generation.
• 41:10
  And, and so I think living out our own expectations that we
• 41:15
  have defined is, is really a daily practice like we were
• 41:18
  talking about before. But when we, when we think about
• 41:22
  those expectations, one of the things I have tried to do,
• 41:31
  because I'm not an expert at any of this is, is just like, well,
• 41:34
  where did that come from? Where, where did that messaging
• 41:38
  come from? Who who gave that to me?
• 41:41
  Where did that come from? And I've had to do it a lot with
• 41:45
  my kids, right? So my daughter is she plays
• 41:49
  lacrosse. She's 12 and she is scrappy.
• 41:52
  I mean, this girl will like stick check another girl on the
• 41:56
  field. And me as a recovering people
• 41:59
  pleaser, I'm like, Oh my God, don't be so competitive, don't
• 42:03
  it? But I have to keep my mouth shut
• 42:04
  and I have to hide that because I don't want her to pick up that
• 42:08
  expectation or that definition. And so I think it's the same in
• 42:14
  all of our roles as like, well, where did that expectation or
• 42:18
  definition come from? How do we, how did how did that
• 42:21
  get to me? And when, when did I adopt it
• 42:24
  And when did I decide to perpetuate it?
• 42:26
  Because, and hopefully this isn't an over reference like
• 42:31
  again, my therapist had said to me at one point during our
• 42:33
  journey together of like well yes the messaging was given to
• 42:38
  you, however you chose to carry it forward.
• 42:42
  Yes. And so that was like a oh.
• 42:47
  The accountability piece. OK, I guess you're right.
• 42:51
  Like and so that the the expectations give us information
• 42:59
  about what feels good, what feels aligned, what doesn't.
• 43:02
  And so when I work with women when it comes to delegation, we
• 43:09
  do. And the first thing I do is I
• 43:12
  have each person brain dump everything that they do.
• 43:17
  And I primarily work with women on their businesses, delegating
• 43:19
  for their businesses. But you could do this in a
• 43:21
  personal capacity as well. I have them brain dump
• 43:25
  absolutely everything that they do.
• 43:27
  And we'll start it on a coaching call, but then we'll, we'll
• 43:31
  transition it. And I kind of give it to them as
• 43:32
  homework. And we meet a week later and we
• 43:34
  go through it because once we have the brain dump, then I have
• 43:38
  them really rate everything from an energy standpoint, from an
• 43:44
  efficacy standpoint. And then it becomes clear what
• 43:49
  needs to be passed off so that they can maintain what they're
• 43:54
  good at, what they're passionate about and stay aligned with
• 43:58
  their expectations or goals for their business.
• 44:02
  And so I think then things are really laid out in black and
• 44:07
  white and it becomes instead of like, well, I shouldn't complain
• 44:10
  about that or whoa, I shouldn't do I shouldn't I should, I
• 44:13
  should, right. We should on ourselves way too
• 44:15
  much. And so this allows the
• 44:21
  information to just be a little bit more concrete, a little bit
• 44:25
  more anchored, and we're able to then look at it a little bit
• 44:28
  more objectively and then say, I'm going to put that down right
• 44:34
  now because I don't need to be doing that.
• 44:36
  I don't need to be. That's not the best use of my
• 44:40
  time and talent. Yeah, yeah, what a great
• 44:44
  resource and tool 'cause. When you can make can.
• 44:47
  Create something where it's like this feels manageable now and
• 44:52
  you can help people to see that just the, I mean it, you just
• 44:56
  take a collective breath and everything just feels a little
• 45:00
  bit lighter and have the impact that has.
• 45:03
  Talk to me about your layers journey.
• 45:05
  And I call this embracing our layers.
• 45:08
  And this is comes back to that curiosity versus judgment piece.
• 45:12
  I had to get really curious about my layers, the seasons
• 45:17
  that made-up my life, the things I was stuffing out of shame and
• 45:21
  fear and the and and the why behind it and really unpack that
• 45:27
  and realize what was actually true versus what I've been
• 45:31
  telling myself. They've done a lot of things.
• 45:34
  Realizing that I had choice. I could choose different roads.
• 45:40
  I could choose twin learn. I could choose to heal.
• 45:43
  I could choose who I surrounded myself with.
• 45:46
  I could choose to say yes. I could choose to say no.
• 45:49
  I could choose to no longer have shame around that thing.
• 45:52
  I could meet that 18 year old with curiosity, be like, huh,
• 45:57
  You know, given what she knew at the time and the environment she
• 46:01
  grew up with and the messages she received, I can see how she
• 46:06
  got there. I don't love it.
• 46:07
  I wish it hadn't happened, but it makes sense to me.
• 46:11
  And then so it that's so you don't have to like, Oh my gosh,
• 46:16
  I love that. I was wrong.
• 46:18
  That wasn't a terrible decision to make.
• 46:20
  That wasn't a terrible relationship to me.
• 46:22
  But no, those things aren't necessarily untrue, but you no
• 46:26
  longer have shame around it. You've been able to get curious
• 46:29
  and put the pieces together that help.
• 46:31
  It kind of makes sense. And or if something horrible
• 46:35
  happens to you, no, you didn't deserve it.
• 46:38
  No, you didn't ask for it, but what are you going to do?
• 46:41
  But you're here now. Right.
• 46:43
  What are you going to do with that moving forward and, and
• 46:47
  allowing yourself to process the anger, the fear, that sadness,
• 46:52
  all those things. Don't stuff it.
• 46:54
  Allow yourself to feel it and move through it, but then allow
• 46:58
  yourself to move forward and heal as well.
• 47:01
  And and so it's complex and that's why I call it layers
• 47:05
  because you'll, you'll learn some more and different layers
• 47:07
  expose themselves in different situations and seasons of your
• 47:10
  life. And I think this is probably so
• 47:12
  much of what you deal with when you're helping people, but you
• 47:15
  had to go through your own layers journey first, I would
• 47:18
  think. So talk to me about.
• 47:19
  That, yeah, for sure. Like I think for me, my layers
• 47:24
  journey was really, really heavily informed by grief.
• 47:28
  And it was first the the grief that I had pushed down and
• 47:34
  ignored and soldiered through and lost my dad because I had a
• 47:39
  four year old and a 2 year old when he passed away and I didn't
• 47:42
  have time to stop and grief. I was running a full time.
• 47:45
  Like I was running my own VA business at home.
• 47:48
  I was working on nearly full time at a four year old.
• 47:51
  Like I said earlier, you know, like my husband was working
• 47:53
  seven days a week and I didn't have time that it got stuffed
• 47:57
  down. It did not get dealt with.
• 47:59
  And then it, you know, like that, that layer of grief kept
• 48:04
  bubbling up like it just. Kept.
• 48:06
  Like I would rage at my 4 year old and then I would feel
• 48:11
  horrifyingly guilty and and that like I was like, Oh my God, he's
• 48:16
  gonna need therapy. He's only four.
• 48:18
  Like I'm a horrible mother. Like, like all those stories,
• 48:21
  right? All those and I but it was
• 48:24
  because of my own unprocessed grief.
• 48:27
  And so I think so many of my layers have have really been in
• 48:35
  tandem with kind of the like the journey of grief right at the
• 48:40
  I'm going to blank on what they are, but it's like the denial,
• 48:43
  the anger, the bargaining, the then finally you get to
• 48:46
  acceptance. And I think grief has been the
• 48:50
  biggest informer of my healing journey because I think we are
• 48:57
  all walking around with some form of grief because grief
• 49:01
  isn't exclusive to death. Grief is the loss of a partner,
• 49:07
  the loss of income, the loss of I mean it.
• 49:10
  Grief is so all-encompassing, and when we don't take the time
• 49:15
  to tend to it, it then creates a, a ripple effect that leads
• 49:22
  into shame or anger or how we react in within our religious
• 49:29
  institutions or our cultural community.
• 49:33
  Or maybe we become workaholics. Maybe we become addicts, right?
• 49:37
  Like all of these things then ripple out to to the rest of our
• 49:43
  life. And so I think for me, grief was
• 49:46
  like the catalyst that made me say I can't, I can't keep this
• 49:53
  facade up, right. I grew up in an environment
• 49:55
  where appearance was everything, even if falling apart.
• 50:00
  You put on some lipstick, you did your hair and you went out
• 50:04
  there and you were you were good to go.
• 50:06
  If anybody asks, oh, yeah, I'm great.
• 50:08
  Life is good. You didn't talk about the real
• 50:11
  stuff. And so grief kind of unlocked
• 50:15
  Pandora's box for me. And then I was like.
• 50:19
  Oh. Wow, like they're so and I think
• 50:21
  one, it's one of the reasons that I, when I work with people,
• 50:26
  I invite them to go deep and I aim to create a safe space for
• 50:31
  them because not everybody has afforded that in their personal
• 50:35
  lives or in their professional lives.
• 50:38
  And so creating a small space where somebody can feel
• 50:42
  acknowledged or supported, even in a small way for 45 minutes a
• 50:47
  week can change things for them, can change.
• 50:52
  Like maybe that's the catalyst for them to unlock their layers,
• 50:56
  for them to start rewriting their own narrative.
• 51:00
  And I think the layers, you know, like I'm reading this book
• 51:04
  right now and it's like they're going through all these like
• 51:07
  levels of the underworld. And it's like it's just make it
• 51:11
  has me thinking, right? Like as we just kind of graduate
• 51:14
  and go deeper and deeper into our own story, we get to be the
• 51:18
  ones who write the end, be the ones that choose.
• 51:23
  Am I going to stay stuck and comfortable or am I going to
• 51:27
  really challenge myself and, and wake up and, and strive for joy
• 51:37
  or strive for peace or strive for a better, more, more whole
• 51:45
  or healed future? Right.
• 51:48
  That's really where all of humanity needs to be focused
• 51:54
  right now. But not everybody has or feels
• 52:01
  like they have the permission to do that or the acceptance or the
• 52:06
  to do that. And I think that's I, I don't
• 52:10
  know how or why. I just kind of was like, you
• 52:13
  know, we're doing this because we're going to create better
• 52:15
  for, we're going to leave it better than we found it.
• 52:18
  Yeah, I love that so much. I get, I connect so hardly, so
• 52:22
  wholeheartedly with what you're saying.
• 52:25
  I, you know, I took, I took a look at my life in my late 40s
• 52:28
  before I had my really big hit at age 50.
• 52:31
  And I'm like, I should be more satisfied, more content than I
• 52:36
  am on paper. I have all the things that
• 52:41
  should lead me to be feeling. But I'm not what's what's.
• 52:44
  Going on here. And that opened the door to the
• 52:47
  curiosity. Then the door got really busted
• 52:49
  open a couple years later. But it's that that sense within
• 52:53
  you, something's just off kilter here and being willing to get
• 52:58
  curious and but you get to choose that.
• 53:01
  Like I had a choice to make at that point.
• 53:03
  I could keep existing that way, or I could choose to ask some
• 53:08
  uncomfortable questions and sit with some uncomfortable feelings
• 53:13
  and have to set some boundaries in some relationships to honor
• 53:18
  myself. But I just I, I, I decided, I
• 53:21
  just knew. I'm like, I know that it's
• 53:24
  possible for me to not live to live in a healthier state than
• 53:29
  I'm living in right now and that I am worthy of that.
• 53:33
  And that's a good thing. That's that's and you know how
• 53:37
  you can. And I think it's that curiosity
• 53:40
  and without judgment and getting and realizing that we're our
• 53:44
  worth is not determined by all these other societal and
• 53:48
  cultural narratives. We're worthy because we are.
• 53:52
  Because we exist. Right.
• 53:54
  And so doing that work on ourselves and I, I to say all
• 53:57
  the time, if each individual would take the time to do that
• 54:01
  work on themselves, we would see very different ways of leading
• 54:04
  in the world. We would see conflicts handed in
• 54:08
  a much healthier way. I mean, it would all it starts,
• 54:11
  but we each have to be willing to do it and we and I have to
• 54:15
  realize the the necessity of it and, and you know, and, and also
• 54:22
  you can't make other people do the work that they aren't ready
• 54:25
  to do. And it's, you know, and it's not
• 54:28
  your responsibility to so releasing that as well.
• 54:31
  Yeah, and it's and it's fascinating, right?
• 54:33
  Because in so many ways, our, our society, our culture has a
• 54:39
  solution for everything, right? Like if you had a broken leg,
• 54:42
  you would go get it set. If you, you know, if you're a
• 54:45
  doctor or a surgeon, you have people helping you, you have
• 54:49
  assistance, right? You have support.
• 54:52
  But somehow, some way we've as as women have adapted this
• 54:59
  persona that says, Nope, we have to do it all ourselves.
• 55:03
  Where instead, if we were, if we treated ourselves the way like,
• 55:08
  we wouldn't go into an operating room and expect to see it run by
• 55:11
  one person. Absolutely.
• 55:13
  Right. We wouldn't, we wouldn't say,
• 55:15
  oh, oh, you're, you have a curable disease.
• 55:19
  Oh, good luck. Like we would take something to
• 55:23
  cure that or to heal that in some way.
• 55:26
  And so in some ways, we are so solution oriented, but not when
• 55:34
  it comes to embracing these layers and not when it comes to
• 55:39
  our own internal monologue or behavior or patterns and our own
• 55:44
  nervous system. And that is the shift that I
• 55:50
  mean. I will call out my own naivete
• 55:53
  here, but like that is the shame change that will shift the world
• 55:57
  truly. I agree with you 100%.
• 55:59
  I mean it sounds simple but yet it's very complicated because it
• 56:03
  requires each individual to understand the impact that will
• 56:08
  not only have on themselves but everyone else.
• 56:10
  But it really does start with us.
• 56:12
  Because embracing your layers, it gets way harder before it
• 56:16
  gets easier like. Absolutely.
• 56:18
  Layers and like chipping away at them and chipping away at your
• 56:22
  operating system and, and your comfort zone and everything
• 56:25
  that's kept you safe up until this point.
• 56:27
  It has served you up until this point.
• 56:29
  But if it is no longer serving you, it's gonna get harder to
• 56:33
  change that and shift that before it gets easier.
• 56:37
  It 100%. And I, I will, I say all the
• 56:39
  time, if I knew what was coming when I started this, I wouldn't
• 56:42
  have done it, right? But but now that I've done it, I
• 56:46
  can't imagine not doing it. Yep.
• 56:49
  Yeah, yeah. This goes nicely into this kind
• 56:52
  of final point here of what I call feel, finding empowerment,
• 56:57
  embracing layers. You have done the work.
• 57:00
  You, you are living that. Talk to me about how that has
• 57:03
  impacted your relationship with yourself, but also your
• 57:07
  relationships with other people. It's this is my least, this is
• 57:15
  where I'm least strong in terms of being introspective, in terms
• 57:19
  of how it how it has helped my relationships and other people.
• 57:23
  But I will tell you that, you know, my, my confidence in the,
• 57:27
  in the ability to speak up and show up with curiosity instead
• 57:31
  of with judgement for myself and others has been a huge piece of
• 57:35
  the shift. I think, you know, being able to
• 57:39
  look at things from a from a less wounded perspective has
• 57:45
  been a really big game changer for me instead of always feeling
• 57:51
  like I have to be on defense and just kind of, and I have leaders
• 57:56
  who have really embraced curiosity too.
• 57:59
  And that that of course always helps absolutely that they've
• 58:02
  done the work as well. But I think showing up in a way
• 58:06
  that doesn't require me to be defensive where I'm able to to
• 58:11
  show up with curiosity and be received with curiosity has been
• 58:14
  a really big thing for me. I think I just overall like if I
• 58:22
  explode for some reason at home on my spouse or on my teenagers,
• 58:28
  I'm able to more quickly collapse that, oh, the teenager
• 58:33
  and me felt unheard and disrespected, like whatever I
• 58:36
  was saying wasn't worth being listened to or wasn't worthy
• 58:41
  enough to be listened to. So I'm able to like collapse
• 58:43
  that awareness and understanding and then I'm able to go repair
• 58:46
  it. And so those kinds of exercises
• 58:53
  awarenesses have allowed me to then say, OK, so maybe something
• 58:59
  else needs to be handed off or maybe my mental bandwidth bit
• 59:03
  maybe that's my checkpoint for like, what am I carrying that's
• 59:07
  too heavy that I could pass off right now?
• 59:10
  That's very good. Thank you so much for that.
• 59:12
  Thank you so much. All right.
• 59:14
  As we wind down here, share with me 5 activities that nourish
• 59:18
  you. Reading I love to read mostly
• 59:23
  fiction because it's like my escape walking.
• 59:26
  I love walking building, which is a new thing that nourishes me
• 59:31
  building and and painting like as an interior design.
• 59:34
  So I've I we moved into this new house almost two years ago and
• 59:38
  I've redone every single room and I've done built-ins and I
• 59:41
  bought power tools. So building and painting kind of
• 59:44
  interior design really make seeing the immediate
• 59:47
  transformation is something I really, really nourishes me.
• 59:51
  And then finally hugging. I love a really good hug.
• 59:55
  And the conscious leadership coach I was Speaking of, she's a
• 59:58
  she's a big hugger. And so every time I see her, I
• 1:00:00
  get to see her in person. We just, we just hug.
• 1:00:03
  Yeah. Hugs are powerful.
• 1:00:05
  My husband is like a champion hugger to the point where he has
• 1:00:08
  a reputation amongst our friends and people that we meet.
• 1:00:13
  And the girls, our daughters, our daughters are all grown up,
• 1:00:16
  but their friends are like they've let his name's Brady.
• 1:00:19
  They're like, Oh my God, their parents.
• 1:00:21
  I mean, we have a whole like that's amazing.
• 1:00:24
  And he's, you know, he's a big guy, 63 and, you know, it's
• 1:00:29
  always broadchildren and he just brings you in with his full
• 1:00:33
  heart. And I will tell you it's one of
• 1:00:35
  my like if I need my nervous. System to settle.
• 1:00:39
  His I like I, he'll walk in the door and I'm like, I need a hug.
• 1:00:42
  And he just wraps me up. And I think some people have
• 1:00:45
  that gift. He's one of those gifts.
• 1:00:47
  And I think we underestimate the power of a hug.
• 1:00:49
  Yeah, I agree IA 100%. Agree 100%.
• 1:00:53
  All right, 5 words on how you want to feel the next six
• 1:00:56
  months. Yeah, I when I was going through
• 1:00:59
  these, I was like, this is a good one.
• 1:01:02
  But I think I settled on peaceful, which is a practice
• 1:01:07
  for me. It has to be an intentional
• 1:01:08
  practice flourishing. So in work and at home, grounded
• 1:01:16
  just in in purpose and in my routine and in my habits clear.
• 1:01:23
  And the last one I I said joyful, but I also kind of said
• 1:01:28
  content. So because I think often times
• 1:01:31
  we joyful, at least in my brain, sometimes joyful feels like a
• 1:01:37
  bit of a stretch. So content, I think just it just
• 1:01:41
  helps to kind of pave that for me a little bit.
• 1:01:46
  Yeah, I, I, I completely agree with you.
• 1:01:49
  I had to shift from happy slash joyful to content.
• 1:01:52
  Yeah, I said that was really where my peace was found.
• 1:01:55
  And through that, I could access the joy that was present and
• 1:01:59
  available with that ability to live content.
• 1:02:03
  Well, and I think that come that goes back to right, like the
• 1:02:10
  habit to for us as women to kind of like continually move the
• 1:02:14
  goal posts. So we never feel something.
• 1:02:16
  We always feel like there's something more to work for, and
• 1:02:19
  that's really a practice for me. Yeah, I was my therapist and
• 1:02:23
  I've told the story a few Times Now, so our listeners might
• 1:02:26
  like, oh, here it comes again. But I think it's an important
• 1:02:28
  one to repeat is my therapist about a year ago said I want you
• 1:02:32
  to start tracking your daily wins.
• 1:02:34
  And I'm not talking about wins in just your work, your wins
• 1:02:38
  period. Like they, because she's like,
• 1:02:40
  notice that you'll get to something and you'll acknowledge
• 1:02:43
  it and then you're just moving on to that next thing.
• 1:02:46
  And she's like, and I have some friends in my circle and in my
• 1:02:50
  network that are really great about.
• 1:02:52
  Did you celebrate that? And, and sometimes I'll be like,
• 1:02:55
  Oh, that was a win. Huh?
• 1:02:56
  I didn't see it that way before, but it might just be the simple
• 1:03:00
  thing of like, I stopped work at 2:30 today because I work for
• 1:03:03
  myself and I don't have to work 9:00 to 5:00.
• 1:03:06
  And sometimes I work, you know, I don't I, and I'm done for
• 1:03:09
  today. And that's the energy I have for
• 1:03:11
  today. So now I'm done.
• 1:03:12
  And so it can be as simple as that, or it can be a milestone
• 1:03:15
  thing, but stopping to name them, it just makes me pause
• 1:03:19
  every day. And it's helped me to realize I
• 1:03:23
  can fully allow myself to feel all the things I'm feeling.
• 1:03:26
  I'm very much a proponent of emotions are not negative or
• 1:03:31
  positive. They're clues.
• 1:03:32
  And we need to allow them each the space to breathe in room.
• 1:03:36
  And within all that, no matter what it's filled with that day,
• 1:03:38
  there's, there's a win. And maybe it's just the fact
• 1:03:40
  that you allowed yourself the space to feel that hard emotion.
• 1:03:44
  It could be that could be the win.
• 1:03:46
  But I think that's such an important piece to talk about
• 1:03:49
  because I think that's something we could all just stop and be a
• 1:03:51
  little more present in before just moving on to that next
• 1:03:54
  thing. So good I.
• 1:03:55
  Totally agree. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:03:58
  All right, Kate, tell people where they can find and follow
• 1:04:00
  you. And this will also be on our
• 1:04:02
  website at embracinglayers.com, on our resources page as well as
• 1:04:06
  in our show notes. But share with people right now.
• 1:04:08
  Yeah, sure. You can find me on Instagram.
• 1:04:11
  I'm my Instagram handle is rise Higher consulting, but higher
• 1:04:15
  HIRE like you're hiring a person.
• 1:04:19
  I like a good play on words. So rise higher consulting.
• 1:04:23
  That's also the website. And I'm Kate Lanahan on
• 1:04:26
  LinkedIn, too. OK, great.
• 1:04:28
  Thanks so much for being with me today.
• 1:04:31
  Was there one last one last thought that you'd like to share
• 1:04:34
  with our listeners? One last thought, I think growth
• 1:04:41
  is in linear and you're going to revisit things time and time
• 1:04:48
  again, but at deeper levels. And so just continuing to
• 1:04:53
  monitor the awareness and growing with it, embracing it,
• 1:04:58
  not creating, not judging it, and then really just kind of
• 1:05:02
  understanding what what clue what, what it's trying to tell
• 1:05:05
  you. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:05:07
  That's so good. Such a great, great way to wrap
• 1:05:09
  this up. All right, listeners, check out
• 1:05:11
  these resources, see what Kate has to offer.
• 1:05:15
  So much to take from this today. And remember, you're valuable.
• 1:05:19
  You're worthy. And you get to choose.
• 1:05:22
  You get to choose how you want to live your life, how you want
• 1:05:26
  to move forward, how you want to live from a healthy place.
• 1:05:29
  You get to choose that. Take good care of yourselves.
• 1:05:31
  And we'll see you next time here on The Field Podcast.
• 1:05:35
  Hello, and thank you so much for being with us today on this
• 1:05:39
  episode of the Field Podcast. If you would like more
• 1:05:42
  information on how you can apply these talking points that I
• 1:05:47
  share with our guests in each episode to your own life, really
• 1:05:51
  utilize this feel framework, go to embracinglayers.com, fill out
• 1:05:57
  our contact form, and let's set up a free 30 minute consultation
• 1:06:02
  to talk about how you can start living your most authentic,
• 1:06:07
  organic, healthy, feel fueled life.
• 1:06:11
  Thanks again for being with us today.
• 1:06:13
  We'll be back to you soon with another episode here on the Feel
• 1:06:16
  Podcast.