Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Am I the Problem… or are They? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: Have you ever walked away a situation thinking, ⁓ wait, was that me? Am I or am I finally seeing something clearly? ⁓ And somehow the more you sit it, the harder it becomes to tell. ⁓ It makes me think of the from the office that hits a little too close sometimes. Am I the problem? I don't I'm the problem. And honestly, haven't we all had moments like that? sometimes the hardest thing isn't knowing what happened. It's trying to understand what it means. And when something feels emotionally intense enough, ⁓ mind starts reaching for certainty, even if that certainty is painful, even if it simplifies people, ⁓ if it turns someone into a villain or turns us into one in the process. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. ⁓ question is, am I the problem or are they? Before we go any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. And if this episode feels personal, that makes sense. This question usually does. I this shows up when something feels emotionally unresolved. Not just confusing, ⁓ activating, ⁓ because when we don't have clarity, ⁓ the brain doesn't like sitting uncertainty. it seems to try to create story that explains the discomfort. ⁓ And usually that story becomes, was it me? Was it them? ⁓ Did I Did I miss something? ⁓ sometimes, All that is, is something much simpler and much more human. I don't feel emotionally safe or grounded in what happened. And I need to make sense of it. And when we didn't get that sense of safety, the mind starts building explanations fast. Sometimes those explanations protect us. Sometimes they distort reality. Sometimes they do both at the same time something hurts deeply. It doesn't stay in moment. It spreads into how we interpret everything else. We start thinking people aren't safe. ⁓ Everyone has bad intentions. ⁓ I can't trust anymore. And I want to pause here sometimes those beliefs come from real harm. Sometimes people do hurt us intentionally. Sometimes it is abuse. Sometimes it is betrayal. other times ⁓ we one or two painful experiences and unconsciously turn them into global rule about the ⁓ And that's where this question really lives. just the event, in the meaning we assign afterwards, sometimes the most painful or shocking experience didn't just hurt emotionally. They reorganize how we see safety itself. ⁓ can feel like people are dangerous. Closeness isn't safe. Trust leads to harm. And if that was your lived experience, your nervous system isn't being irrational. ⁓ It's trying to protect you. The nervous system job not ⁓ nuance, it's survival. it generalizes. It takes one strong experience and tries to prevent it from happening again by expanding the warning system. Never again. in real life, most people are not trying to harm you. ⁓ Most situations are not coordinated danger. Most relationships are not villains versus victims. end up in this uncomfortable middle place ⁓ where body feels danger, but your environment may not actually be dangerous anymore. And that creates confusion. ⁓ Do I trust myself? Do I trust others? Do I shut down? Do I stay open? And honestly, both protections and openness are valid impulses. The challenge is learning when each one is appropriate. Nothing could harm me again. There were a season in my life where I confused isolation with safety. I thought if I stayed distant enough, nothing could harm me again. What I didn't realize is the distance also keeps out connection. And eventually I had to learn discernment instead of extremes. When something hurts, we have to make it make sense quickly. instead of sitting with complexity, we simplify who is in the wrong, who caused this, who is the problem And you get it is uncomfortable, but simplifications come at a cost. It flattens people. It flattens ourselves. Most relational conflict is not one dimensional. It usually contains miscommunication, triggers, old wounds getting activated, ⁓ different expectations, lack of timing, missed signals. And when all of that collides, it can also personal, ⁓ even when it's actually relational. the mind prefers identity based conclusions. They're toxic ⁓ or I am the problem. ⁓ They don't care because identity feels even when it's inaccurate. ⁓ I don't think the most helpful framing is, am I the problem or are they? I think a more grounding question is, what is happening in this dynamic? the question forces us to slow down. It asks us to zoom out. ⁓ has power here? ⁓ patterns are repeating? What gets rewarded in this system? What gets punished? ⁓ What am I responsible for? is not mine? not all relationships are built on equal footing. and pretending they are creates confusion about accountability. Power doesn't always like control or dominance. Sometimes it looks like financial stability, ⁓ security, emotional regulation capacity, who others believe first, ⁓ social influence, exit options, legal or structure authority, even When power is uneven responsibility, often becomes uneven too. here's a we often miss. Someone can feel emotionally powerless while still having structural power. and someone can feel emotionally intense while having less structural control. Both experience can be real, but they are not the same thing. it's also to turn inward and ask, ⁓ what do I tend to in conflict? ⁓ Do I over explain? Do try to repair too quickly? Do I avoid conflict until it builds? Do I stay in situations too long because I hope they'll change? For me, I had to learn that I often try to resolve things through communication, even when the other person isn't ready or willing to engage in repair. And I've had to learn that not every moment needs more words. Sometimes it needs distance. Sometimes it needs time. Sometimes it needs to accept that not everything will be resolved the way I want. That isn't blame, that's pattern awareness. And pattern awareness is what actually changes outcomes over time. There are also moments where the dynamic itself communicates clearly. feelings are dismissed, your boundaries are ⁓ your emotional needs are reframed as too much. The repeatedly shift away from the original issue. And those moments, the question is not always, what did I do wrong? Sometimes it's, what is this relationship showing me about what I can hold? not every dynamic is meant to be repaired. ⁓ are meant to be understood, some are meant to be released, and some are meant to adjust with distance. I think we struggle with the word information. We want everything to be redeemable, sometimes clarity is simply data. ⁓ Most relational situations are not clean. They're not one person, right? One person wrong. They are misunderstandings, misfires, emotional activation, unspoken expectations, old pain entering conversation. ⁓ and people can hold both ⁓ by trying their and still hurt each other. that doesn't erase responsibility, it does remove the fantasy that everything is simple. One of the biggest shifts we make is learning separate What happened from what we decide it meant? the turns moments into narratives very quickly. Reality says a conversation go well. ⁓ Stories say I am always the ⁓ Reality says, We misunderstood each other. Story says don't care about me. ⁓ Stories feel stable, ⁓ but they not always accurate. is the point where reflection turns distortion. where instead of understanding behavior, we assign identity. say, this is who they are. This is who I am. And I want to be honest. I've done this too. Most people have, especially when we've hurt ⁓ ambiguity, labeling removes it removes complexity and complexity is where truth usually lives. ⁓ We also have to be careful when blame in family systems. ⁓ Children, including adult children, do not operate equal power positions. ⁓ They are shaped by the system they not choose. when we talk about estrangement or distance, we have to separate from responsibility. ⁓ Parents the responsibility for environment, emotional safety, modeling, ⁓ and That does not mean children can never cause harm. ⁓ It we have to be careful about assigning equal weight when the power was never equal. ⁓ Sometimes children step away not out of rejection, but out of protection. protection for themselves, their mental health, or for their own children. And I think we are also in a cultural movement where it has become too easy to label children as the problem. And I don't think that's leading to any healing. Accountability is difficult when you were raised in environments where being wrong had consequences. Because then being wrong doesn't feel like growth. It feels like danger. healthy dynamics, accountability sounds like this. ⁓ I see my part. understand how that landed. ⁓ What can we do next time? And safe people do not weaponize your accountability. They hold space for it. ⁓ In my work with kids, I slow things down ⁓ intentionally. We unpack misunderstandings. We check assumptions, we separate intent from impact. Sometimes I ask, does that sound like something I would say? And often the answer is no. we explore what actually got triggered instead. ⁓ I also model ownership. ⁓ communication could have been clearer. That way no one becomes the villain. ⁓ We just understand the interaction and that is a many adults were never taught. ⁓ I've stayed in dynamics too long. I've ignored patterns. I've taken responsibility for things that were never mine to carry. And I've also learned something that changed how I move through relationships. Clarity does not require staying. ⁓ Sometimes clarity distance. Sometimes clarity means repair. Sometimes clarity means release. And none of those make you look good or bad. They make you honest ⁓ because growth It's about deciding who the problem is. It's about noticing what keeps repeating and choosing differently even when it's uncomfortable. Even when your nervous system wants certainty, even when your wants a villain, ⁓ even when your emotions want a simple answer, sometimes the most honest answer ⁓ I contributed, they contributed, and this dynamic does not work for me anymore. And that can still be enough truth to move forward not every story meant to end in understanding everything perfectly. Some stories end in awareness, ⁓ some end boundaries, some end in walking away without needing full agreement for everyone involved. and if you've been someone who has over functioned in relationships or taken too much responsibility or stayed too long trying to fix something, ⁓ then maybe the real shift isn't figuring out was the problem. Maybe it's trusting that you don't need perfect clarity to choose yourself next. back to the question, ⁓ I the problem or are they? ⁓ the answer was never meant to be labeled. Maybe it's context, power, ⁓ patterns, emotion, timing. maybe sometimes healing is not about assigning blame at all, about finally learning to see clearly enough to stop repeating what hurts you. without turning yourself or anyone else into a permanent identity. clarity isn't about blame, ⁓ about choices. And what you choose next is where your life actually changes. for listening