Latest / Enough & Evolving / What 27 Years of Marriage Taught Me about Relationships & Emotional Safety
Transcript
- Tyona Vallejo: Hello and welcome to Enough In Evolving Podcast. I'm your host, Tyona Vallejo, master certified life coach and mindfulness expert, you reclaim confidence, break through unhelpful patterns and manifest the relationships and life you desire. Now let's get started. And here's a little example of why we know this is a fact. We know this is a fact because I'm sure you've received, let's say, a gift from someone at Christmas or your birthday or another holiday. And particular gift maybe isn't your favorite thing, or maybe it's something you actually despise, right? If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today. Hey there friends, welcome back to the podcast. And if this is your first time joining, welcome. So glad to have you here. week ⁓ am sharing all about my recent to Central Coast ⁓ and ⁓ my and I were celebrating our 27th years of So fun! But more specifically, I wanted to share with you how the last 27 years of my marriage have really me about ⁓ ⁓ emotional safety and helped learn about myself overall. And I'm going share three lessons that have changed. Let's say you the color purple, somebody gave you a purple sweater, and maybe not a fan of wool, and this a sweater, and living in let's say Southern California, ⁓ where it can be really hot ⁓ at times, and so how I live my entire life. let's get started. Woo! All right. So as was saying, last week my husband and I ⁓ we celebrated our 27th years of marriage ⁓ and we this amazing up to Central Coast. ⁓ We actually had ⁓ done trip twice You might not feel super ecstatic to get this purple wool sweater already ⁓ in our marriage once him just him and i and once another time with the family and but it had been quite a few years ⁓ ⁓ were so excited to get back in the area because it's just ⁓ beautiful. If you've never been up in Central Coast area, we specifically stayed in Cambria. Cambria is little bit north ⁓ of San Luis Obispo. you get the ⁓ that they their gift can't force you to feel something that you're not gonna feel, right? If it's something that you don't like, of course not gonna feel super excited about it. You're not gonna feel in love with it. You're not gonna feel ⁓ happy And we drove ⁓ we drove up ⁓ the one one ⁓ and actually at Pismo Beach, which was ⁓ beautiful as And then we into Slow, into San Luis Obispo, and it was so We just walked around ⁓ and of course had stop at a coffee shop and ⁓ get a coffee and ⁓ necessarily about it. And this is because they can't create your feelings. and the way you perceive ⁓ is is creating your feeling. I love asking for recommendations anytime we go out. And the gal there, she recommended a salad. ⁓ it was kind of random that we had a coffee and a salad, but it was so you guys. And you tell that this this is a college town, and this was definitely like this little ⁓ college hangout. And we in the back they had just this beautiful ⁓ So I hope that example made some sense there. But my point is you can influence else's ⁓ someone else's day through the ⁓ that you bring, but you can't make another person happy. And feel like so ⁓ often, women ⁓ little garden area that you could sit and there were of students there doing homework, studying on their laptop, talking. ⁓ so ⁓ husband and I just blended right in, right? No, actually it was just so fun. We just ⁓ there and we were chit chatting and so of course we're talking about Carry this burden, carry this to make other people happy. ⁓ I think a lot of it comes from trying make them happy so that you feel safe inside. And we do habitually for many years. things that have come up that week and I was sharing with him that people were asking me, so are the ⁓ of marriage? That we actually lose ourselves in trying to manage everyone else's emotional state. And so you can ⁓ ⁓ from this conversation, ⁓ is ⁓ in particular that I would ⁓ hope that you would start to ask yourself, and that is where ⁓ I? Believing I have control over someone else's emotions, or where am I trying to And so ⁓ while we were sitting in this cafe, him and I started ⁓ what some of the that ⁓ we've come up with in the 30 years together, three decades together. ⁓ And While I do not to have all the answers, I do think ⁓ with one person ⁓ three decades teaches you a few things about relationships, communication, emotions, and most importantly yourself. What realized is that the ⁓ biggest weren't actually about marriage. They were about self-awareness ⁓ and were about nervous system regulation. manage someone else's happiness so that I feel more safe. At the end of the day, I believe relationships are really reflections of we ⁓ thinking, experiencing within. They are this mirror ⁓ is us what we're projecting into the world. It's showing us ⁓ who we being. They were about learning how to stop making another person's behavior mean something about me. And today I'm excited to share these three lessons ⁓ from 27 years together that I think apply not only to marriage, but to every relationship in your life. And that ⁓ number one: tolerance ⁓ the little when we start to take into account and take more responsibility for what we're experiencing in our relationships, then we can start to heal. I think one of the biggest mistakes that we make in relationships is believing that every irritation deserves our attention. one of the things that my husband brought up, is a bit of patience goes a long way. And so you hear that. After 27 years of marriage, what I can tell you for sure is that healthy relationships aren't built because two people are perfect. built because two people continue ⁓ awareness, choosing compassion, ⁓ responsibility, and choosing growth. Not just for the relationship, but for themselves. Of course, people talk about how important patience is, but it becomes really challenging at times when you live with someone, right? Day in, day out, to really practice that. especially, ⁓ know, when you even have a hard time with your ⁓ personal patience, like having patience with yourself, having compassion for yourself. ⁓ So course, it gets Because the quality of your relationships will always be influenced by the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. really challenging to tolerate someone else's that are coming up that start to irritate you. ⁓ you know, things like leaving dishes in the sink ⁓ forgetting ⁓ or someone in ⁓ a particular I'd love to hear from you and what you may have resonated with in this episode. And of course, please make sure that you review if you liked this episode. ⁓ am so grateful that you spent time with me today. ⁓ you are enough ⁓ you are always evolving. Letting that you ⁓ out can really ⁓ just time create a ⁓ disgruntled energy. But again, is so human, right? ⁓ is so human for us to ⁓ annoyed by these little things and that our brains want to make them a big problem. I when we first got married. my gosh, my husband to throw his dirty right ⁓ next to ⁓ And I was like, I don't understand why is he missing the hamper? And I would ask him every time, can you put your dirty clothes into the hamper? Yes, yes, I it they're right there. ⁓ you know, like it wasn't a big deal. And I just kept making it such a big deal until I tried something different. I tried to Stop focusing on he was doing that was annoying me. ⁓ I started focusing on other things that I appreciated about him. And by doing that, ⁓ don't know. I feel like the universe just had my back there, but all of a sudden everything started landing the hamper. So I wasn't Telling him over and over again anymore. It was it just completely worked out the way that had been hoping it would, but I had to ⁓ go of it. I had to release little ⁓ on it and just it to some people say, give the socks to But really just just let it go. And I really ⁓ that has me in so many places in my life when I'm able to redirect my From overfocusing on these issues that are kind of poking at me, when I'm able to redirect my attention and not give it to those little things, able to find some peace in situation. And usually the thing actually works out. so That is lesson one. Sometimes peace comes from communication, and sometimes it comes from just deciding this simply isn't worth focusing my attention on, my energy on, knowing when you're giving your energy to something that is not Giving you positive dividends? Yeah. Know that. so lesson number two ⁓ really understanding nervous system and our nervous system creates ⁓ compassion. this what I mean. So many complex aren't actually about the thing that you're arguing about. They're actually these two different nervous systems just simply trying to protect themselves. And so ⁓ nervous system is dregulated and trying to protect itself, it's going to react ⁓ in a way that can look like they're in fight, flight, or freeze, ⁓ maybe even fawn. And that might be them ⁓ their ⁓ control losing their mind and starting to yell or maybe them like fleeing from the room and That brings me back to we first used to fight. I recall one of would start yelling, raise their voice, and the other one would just like take off. And so ⁓ obviously our systems ⁓ are in mode. And that's how people are dealing with life, with Challenge situations. One person wants to talk, they're feeling maybe like they need to get this taken care of, and the other person is feeling like, whoa, defensive, you're coming at me, or whatever. And so ⁓ really to understand how my nervous system is in this moment, ⁓ and also. when you're experiencing the other person trying to become aware of what their nervous system ⁓ might experiencing. So I know now when my husband is a little short or a little ⁓ snippy whatever. I know, whoa, he is definitely dysregulated right now, something's going on with him, and I will have a little bit more compassion than I may have at one time in our marriage because I didn't know any better. So when you understand how the nervous system works and how each of us reacting on own nervous system experience in the moment, ⁓ then we can ⁓ understand one another better instead taking each other's reactions or reactions personally. When you realize someone is responding from protection rather than intention, compassion becomes much easier. So again, our behaviors are a reflection of where our nervous system is, how we are experiencing in the moment, our filter of the world, our filter ⁓ what our brain is saying ⁓ and body is experiencing. ⁓ So I would say again, the biggest lesson here is just being more aware of myself because I'm the only one that I can control. I can't control him and his nervous system. can talk to him about it when he's regulated later, maybe, ⁓ I can only control my ⁓ own system ⁓ reaction. in the moment and so that has been beneficial me for my for relationship as well as for any of my interactions is just becoming more aware of my ⁓ own nervous system own my own lens in which i am experiencing the world around me Now lesson three. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. This is one of the biggest ones that we share, him and I, as well as of course the nervous system. He I've I've really taught him a lot about that, that that he's appreciated. with the ⁓ The happiness ideal I think this is so you know ingrained in our minds especially in romantic partners is that you know your romantic partner is supposed to make you feel happy while I believe that a romantic partner does add your happiness it that not their job to make you happy nor is it possible because they could be doing and anything ⁓ that they believe would make you happy and you could still not be happy your happiness comes from your own mind your ⁓ thoughts your own feelings your ⁓ Self. It doesn't come from anyone else outside of you.