Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #124 — How Do I Turn This Rage Into Sacred Rage?
Transcript
- speaker-0: You know, I have come to realize that I am an incredibly rageful woman. speaker-1: you speaker-0: I have this rage that sits so deep. It's like it's in my bones. It's in my blood. It's in the memory of my muscles. It's just a part of me. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And It's I'm I'm I'm in this space of okay. I recognize it, right? I I understand why the the rage exists. You know, it's it's speaker-1: you speaker-0: It's like I have all of I I did have and I'm working through it all of this unprocessed childhood trauma. Like some real heavy, deep shit that I didn't know existed. And what I mean by that is I I had these I always felt like there was chunks of my life missing that I speaker-1: you speaker-0: I don't know, like years. I I just couldn't I don't remember things like other people remember things. I just don't there's like pieces of my life missing. But I have these fragmented memories. Like little clips of a of a of a movie that it's like but it's kind of like flickers on the screen. It's not real clear and speaker-1: you speaker-0: And I would ask, you know, there w there was someone that I would ask about this. Like, I remember this thing, but I'm unclear and you know, and and this person would always just tell you, No, you're remembering incorrectly, you don't know what you're talking about, you know, and and and then come to find out is you actually have this amnesia. Like it's a real thing. You you you have this Traumatic amnesia, this disassociative amnesia, because the trauma was so severe for your little brain that you know the memories and and how it works in the brain, it got stuck in the in the in the process of how memories are created and stored in the brain and and it was so painful and so traumatic that the brain stopped it at a certain part and a point of this process en and en f like it's like those memories were like frozen in time And it was it was a protection mechanism so that I could survive. Right? 'Cause it was just too much. And so now it's like fuck because what brings the traumatic, what brings those memories back is some crazy trauma in my life. That like unlocked something in me and I was like, Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where's this shit coming from? And then you start to realize. You start to remember. And and and the person that you were asking about these fragmented memories is part of the person, part of the one of the people that that caused the trauma. And then you realize and then you begin to remember and then and then you ask this person more questions and then they just They they change their story, they lie, and you're like, you have this moment in time where like there's this huge glitch in the matrix. You're like, holy fuck. What is going on? What is happening? I don't understand this. This doesn't make sense. Who I don't know this person who I know this person, but I don't know this person. Who is this person? Like what is what is happening? And you you you begin to realize and then the you know like the the the the dots connect. speaker-1: you speaker-0: the the pieces of the puzzle start to fit together and you go, Holy fuck And so the way my memories have come back, it's like they have not been exactly linear, right? So it's it's this it's this interesting thing of my body needing speaker-1: you you ⁓ speaker-0: To feel safe enough, right? So that means nourishing my body in a way ⁓ where and and working on nervous system regulation so that my body, so I can feel safe in my body, and when I feel safe in my body, my body says to my consciousness, I have a secret to tell you. I have something I will I need to show you because my consciousness, my body. cannot completely ⁓ release and purge all this trapped emotion in me unless my consciousness can acknowledge it and and and and work through it and and and and have these realizations to go through the emotions that my body has been holding on tightly to that that these emotions have had nowhere to go. And so my my body would show my mind what my mind could handle and w because really it the my body can already handle it. She's been holding on to this for decades. It's my mind that's fragile. Okay, so it's really my mind that's I'm like it's cause this is a total mind fuck. Right. And you doubt yourself and you gaslight yourself and you're like, This can't possibly be true. This doesn't match the version of the person that I know them to be, and it it's a f it's fucked. And then you have all these these you this shame, you have this guilt, you have this no one will believe me and then you're your own worst critic and you're like, if I tell people they're gonna say, which they have, well why didn't you say anything? Well because I didn't remember. Well how could you not remember such a traumatic event as what you're telling me? How how could you possibly forget that? So then you you you get victim blamed and all this shit and you're there and you're alone and you're working through this and you just it's you don't know how to think, you don't know how to feel, you don't know how to process this. You just your whole world your whole existence ⁓ feels like it's been ⁓ Flipped upside down in a way that i it's I I can't even dis I don't even know if there are words. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And so the memories have come back to me in a way that my consciousness could could handle it because actually ⁓ the very earliest trauma was the last thing for me to remember because it was the deepest. It was the most painful, right? speaker-1: you speaker-0: And so I recognize why I have anger and rage. It's 'cause it's not even anger, it's rage. It is ⁓ God, it's such rage. And I've done so many different modalities of of of of healing and this inner exploration. And you know, one of the things that I I've worked with is internal family systems. And internal family systems ⁓ there's this there's this belief, right, that you've got these three parts of you. You've got the firefighter, and the firefighter is For me is the is this demon within me and his name is Crowley and but he puts out the fires immediately. That's my addictions, that's my rage. When I'm just overwhelmed, poof, he comes in, it turns to rage. It it turns into I'm gonna eat too much, I'm gonna I'm gonna consume too much of this, you know, whatever. To numb me, because this is too much. And then you've got the manager. My manager, her name is Susan. She's that part of me. She is such she is my inner critic. You know, she is she's she shames me, you know. And then and then you have the the piece that the exile, you know, the pieces that have been to pushed away and thrown into the shadows, and that's my inner child, right? Now I know that Crowley, my rage, that it's just a placeholder. The rage is just a it's a it's a placeholder for grief. speaker-1: you speaker-0: for deep grief because it's easier, even though it's exhausting to feel rage, it's easier for me to feel the rage than to feel the grief because there's such betrayal. speaker-1: you speaker-0: It's my heart is so broken that I I don't I don't know what to do with it. It brings me literally to my knees. You know, and and and that inner critic and and the and the and the shame and the the criticism that I give me, that's really just fear. Right? That's just fear. It's it's trying to protect me. Right? So that I I I can keep up ⁓ you know, keep up with things and and get things done in time, you know. But it's just I'm in this place of how do I I don't speaker-1: you you you speaker-0: I I don't know. You know it's How do I turn this rage into sacred rage? What do I do with this? How do I alchemize this rage into something sacred? Something healing not only for myself but maybe for for other people. I I don't know, right? I I know what's in there, but I'm just speaker-1: you speaker-0: I get it. I I understand why I have the rage, right? But how do I like how do I release it in a healthy way? Because what happens and it's so fucked and and I'm I'm angry at these people, but it's like I love them at all at the same time. And so like working through these emotions of how do I reconcile all of this? I had this version of you. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And it's more than one person. But I had this version of you of of who I always thought you to be. And now what I'm remembering does not match what I've known you to be, right? What I remember is so fucking sinister and twisted. You know? And so like how do I remember certain memories that I used to speaker-1: you speaker-0: remembered with fondness or with love or with joy. How do I f that feels like a lie now? Like everything feels like a lie. Nothing makes sense to me. speaker-1: you speaker-0: So how do I reconcile? It's like do I do I do I do I denounce and and and just say fuck all of you and fuck everything and nothing has been good and I I I I I I hate you or can I come to a place? speaker-1: you speaker-0: Of just just just acceptance of what it is and and what it was where I know I'm not going to get any closure. That's the fucked up thing. And when I say closure, it's no one. Some of these people are dead and the one person that's alive has already told me lies. I I don't think will ever tell me the truth. Maybe, probably not though, but I I don't know. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And then and then the image of the person of of how people view these people, they're like on this fucking pedestal. So for me now to speak my truth? speaker-1: you speaker-0: It would be fucked. So now you're like in this space of do I say, do I not say? How are people gonna take me and perceive me versus how they perceive this these other people? And like it's just it's just such a fucking mind fuck. And and and and since I have these conflicting feelings, and there's no proof, right? Like there's no proof. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Other than this one person that won't speak. I have no proof of anything. It's my word against everyone else's. And again, some of these people can't even speak because they're they're not they they no longer exist. They're fucking they're fucking worm food, okay? speaker-1: you speaker-0: And here I am just like left to to fucking manage this. So it's just this so it's like it's hard, like I'm angry and I'm rageful with these people. But at the same time I'm like, am I sure? Am I sure? Am I remembering correctly? Am I ba ba ba you know, even though I know that I am, my body tells me I am, I know it. I know it's so deep. And it all makes sense. It does. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Because all these other things that I thought were unrelated, now it's like there's a big picture and it's like, shit. Okay. This actually this fucking tracks. This makes sense. ⁓ no wonder why this, this and this. Okay. speaker-1: Hey speaker-0: But it's so confusing and so where do I take that rage? I fucking turn that rage and I put it on me. Cause it's easier. And I I hate on myself and I I self-sabotage myself and I I don't treat my body well because I'm just I'm so angry. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And I and I I'm I end up punishing myself and part of it is punishing myself for remembering like fuck you, why did you have to remember? Because now we're all fucked up and how can we process this and what are we gonna do and how can we how are we gonna come to terms with this? So there's so there's raging there's this rage towards myself because I remembered, because I took and care of myself in a way, and I nourished myself and I loved myself in a way that I felt safe to remember. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And because now I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm but I'll now I'm gonna punish myself because remembering is the most fucked up thing that has ever happened to me. It's this this process has been so incredibly painful. So what have I learned? I have learned that safety equals pain. When I feel safe, bad memories come back and that's incredibly painful. speaker-1: you you you you speaker-0: And what else have I learned that loved the people that I thought loved me? And the fucked up thing is, I think they they do, they did. But it's like, how could you fucking love somebody and do such horrendous things to them? And I'm not like talking about like, ⁓ I was mean to you and hurt your feelings. Like, it's some fucked up shit. speaker-1: you you speaker-0: So what I've learned is that love equals confusion, inconsistency, and and betrayal. So love is painful too. Sound like Faa How do I work through this? How do I how do I rewire my nervous system? speaker-1: you speaker-0: How do I Change those that that belief system that's so deep within me. And I I know that I'll be able to do it. And I know that it's just gonna take time. And I know that I need to be gentle. I'm with myself. And I need to love myself. And they're all wrapped up in this. I'm like so annoyed by this. I'm like, fuck you. This is such an inconvenience to me that I have to do this work. Like, like, fuck you. Like the you know, there's a saying they say, you know, it it's not our fault what happened to us. Like the trauma's not our fault, but it is our responsibility to work through it and heal it. And goddamn it, I want to say fuck. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Fuck you, this is that's fucked up. That's fucked, but I get it, right? Because ultimately I don't want to continue because I unwittingly, unknowingly with my kid, now it's not as toxic as no, fuck, not nearly. But there are certain things I go, ⁓ shit. speaker-1: you speaker-0: That was such a like I didn't even know that I was doing that. I didn't realize this, right? And now I'm working through things with with my kid. Like, ⁓ my God, I I saw this and I realized this and I'm really sorry. I did this to you. I was working through this with about this thing in my life and then I realized that I did this to you and I'm really sorry. And I do my very best to recognize and to acknowledge these things to my kid and be like, hey, I'm actively working on this. And let's work through this and talk, you know, like how can I support you in this moment that we can work through sc because my kids working through shit, right? So it's just I guess for right now I'm I'm doing my best to not put any judgment or pressure on myself and just know that I am every single day I'm healing, I'm becoming stronger, I'm becoming wiser, I'm becoming softer. speaker-1: See you soon. you you speaker-0: And as hardened as my heart feels and as there's a show, there's also like these little bits of light that come through and it's slow. I will admit that. And I'm doing my best to not put so much goddamn like pressure 'cause I am I am I have this this fear and this anxiety that I'm gonna fuck things up and you know, I I I I am a somewhat of a perfectionist, though I don't believe in perfect and perfectionism, but yet here I am because it's really anxiety and fear. And just to allow my body. To just kind of acclimate, get used to this new information and just feel it and let it sit in my body and not maybe give it a name of I feel this or I feel that. Just I just at this time I'm just like allowing it to sit in my body and say to my body, Okay, where am I feeling this? Where am I feeling this discomfort? Where is this sitting in my ner ⁓ it's in my chest, I can't breathe. Okay, and then I put my hand in my chest and I just kind of rub my chest in a circle. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And I breathe. And then maybe I put my other hand on my belly and I rub my belly and and my chest in a circle and I just breathe and I allow the discomfort to just sit in my body. And I just allow it to sit and I don't name it. I just allow it to fe I just I just literally feel it. Until I can breathe through it, right? speaker-1: you speaker-0: Until I can breathe through it. Because it's just it's so much. It's so much. That that's the only thing that I could do at this point. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Because what else can I do? I mean The only other option is to give up. And then what? What does that look like? And I don't have it in me to give up. speaker-1: you speaker-0: So we're just gonna sit with it. Sit with the feeling, love the feeling, witness the feeling, honor the feeling, feel the feeling. And just send more voice notes into the universe. speaker-1: you