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How to stop comparing yourself to others #15 · Free Therapy with Ben & Kevin

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  Speaker 1: The world's free therapy.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to free Therapy. I am Ben and.
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  Speaker 1: I am Kevin, And every week we sit down with
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  Speaker 1: a different therapist to talk about the stuff that most
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  Speaker 1: guys are struggling with but nobody says out loud. And
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  Speaker 1: this week we brought in our friend and founder of
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  Speaker 1: Meridian Counseling, Sondra Kushner Songe as we call her, founded
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  Speaker 1: Meridian over a decade ago and today she's built it
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  Speaker 1: to over two hundred therapists. They are one of the
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  Speaker 1: first fully insurance based practices in California, and they really
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  Speaker 1: focus on making therapy accessible and affordable for millennials and
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  Speaker 1: gen z because it's a different kind of therapy that
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  Speaker 1: we need totally.
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  Speaker 2: And what I really liked about this conversation is we
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  Speaker 2: spoke about something that Kevin I talk about a lot,
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  Speaker 2: one on one, and that's just how we compare ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: To other people.
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  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, everybody does it.
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  Speaker 2: And sonj came in and gave us a way to
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  Speaker 2: kind of explore that internally, which was for us to
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  Speaker 2: find our values. Where do I always come from? How
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  Speaker 2: do our value set the tone for the rest of
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  Speaker 2: our life? And in this conversation, we really had to
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  Speaker 2: take a look at ourselves inward and be like, wait,
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  Speaker 2: what do I like? Why do I like it? Because
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  Speaker 2: she made a good point. When you're not aligned with
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  Speaker 2: your values, it really leads to lower self esteem, which
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  Speaker 2: can lead to mood swings, depression, anxiety, substance a view.
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  Speaker 2: So it was a really, really good episode. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I got so much out of it. I even dive
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  Speaker 1: into an exercise that I practice around value clarification. So
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  Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed the show. All right, Songe, welcome to
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  Speaker 1: Free Therapy.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks for having me you guys.
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  Speaker 1: To be here, so good to see you a friend
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  Speaker 1: and someone doing amazing work in the therapy space. Songe,
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  Speaker 1: we call our song Sondra Kushner. You found Maridian Counseling
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  Speaker 1: how many years ago? And twenty almost ten years ago?
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  Speaker 3: I started it like about nine years ago. Yeah, it
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  Speaker 3: is my own private practice and did not expect for
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  Speaker 3: it to grow into what it's grown into today. And
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  Speaker 3: I love how organically happened.
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  Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean we became friends first, and then
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  Speaker 1: I got to know like how amazing your work is
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  Speaker 1: and you and your husband now Kevin as well, and
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  Speaker 1: how Meridian is. I read about this, which I don't
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  Speaker 1: even think I really knew this. You were one of
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  Speaker 1: the first fully insurance based every practice in California, yep.
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  Speaker 1: And how much you all focused on making therapy affordable, accessible,
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  Speaker 1: and less intimidating for millennials and gen Z.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, one PC. So when I was in grad school,
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  Speaker 3: I was the youngest person in my grad school by
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  Speaker 3: like a big age margin difference, And I just recognized
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  Speaker 3: that our generation and Gen Z is going to need
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  Speaker 3: a different type of therapy than what was currently like
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  Speaker 3: happening and what was being taught. And part of that
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  Speaker 3: was like it being more affordable because a lot of
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  Speaker 3: people have st to debt and loans and stuff, and
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  Speaker 3: back in the day everything was private pay two hundred
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  Speaker 3: dollars plus a session, right, And I just realized, like,
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  Speaker 3: our generation's not going to be able to attain that.
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  Speaker 3: And then also just marketing branding vibes, like offices used
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  Speaker 3: to have cat pictures and feel kind of.
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  Speaker 2: Grinding elephant literally literally that's like the most classic You're like,
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  Speaker 2: it's like laying on the couch feels like there's an
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  Speaker 2: elefan in.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, amazing. I love all that and it brings us
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  Speaker 1: here today where you know, there's something that we all
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  Speaker 1: spoke about that Ben and I have struggled with for
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  Speaker 1: years and years and have had so many like late
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  Speaker 1: night conversations and just deep cut talks. And I know
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  Speaker 1: a lot of our friends and society really as a
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  Speaker 1: whole probably struggles with us a lot is comparison yep.
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  Speaker 1: And we talked about this before, and the idea that
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  Speaker 1: we are constantly not only so critical of ourselves, but
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  Speaker 1: then measuring ourselves and our worth against other people and
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  Speaker 1: this imaginary society that we just see on social media
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  Speaker 1: and that we've created our own minds. And I mean
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  Speaker 1: I've seen this a lot in my own person life
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  Speaker 1: with dating and really not even having a clear sense
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  Speaker 1: of what I wanted because I was judging my desires
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  Speaker 1: against society and my career and what decisions I was
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  Speaker 1: making there. Because a lot of noise is just getting
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  Speaker 1: in the way. And so I would just love today
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  Speaker 1: for us to explore really how to get out of
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  Speaker 1: this comparison trap and how to stop being so critical
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  Speaker 1: about ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. I mean that's one of the biggest
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  Speaker 3: things that we see right now is people just following
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  Speaker 3: external locus of control, which I like to talk about
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  Speaker 3: with my clients is figuring out what is driving you.
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  Speaker 3: Is it trying to fulfill a destiny that your parents
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  Speaker 3: wanted you to have, right based on like family expectations.
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  Speaker 3: Is it comparing yourself to people online and thinking that's
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  Speaker 3: what's valuable, that's what's going to bring me happiness, or
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  Speaker 3: is it, you know, just somebody that's kind of lost
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  Speaker 3: and like depending on who they're around in the moment,
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  Speaker 3: like mimicking what the people around them expect. And unfortunately
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  Speaker 3: that's what's leading to a lot of millennials feeling super
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  Speaker 3: anxious and depressed and ending up in the wrong careers,
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  Speaker 3: the wrong relationships, and in the wrong environments. Is because
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  Speaker 3: a lot of us are so disconnected from like our
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  Speaker 3: internal value system, which for each of us as individuals
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  Speaker 3: is different, right, based on like what is important to you? Right,
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  Speaker 3: And what I try to do with my clients is
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  Speaker 3: help them figure out, like what if you silence all
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  Speaker 3: the noise right the social media, your family's expectations, the
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  Speaker 3: people around you, like, what actually is important to you?
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  Speaker 3: And for a lot of people, it's really uncomfortable to
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  Speaker 3: go there because it forces them to like sit with
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  Speaker 3: themselves and recognize that maybe there's a part of themselves
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  Speaker 3: that they don't actually fully deeply understand under know yet,
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  Speaker 3: just because they haven't ever taken the time or space
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  Speaker 3: to just like be with oneself and get clearer on
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  Speaker 3: like what do I want to like manifest and do
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  Speaker 3: in my life based on the values that are important
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  Speaker 3: to me?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? I think that is a crazy thing to try
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  Speaker 2: and do. Right, Like, if you think about it for
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  Speaker 2: a second, how loud every day is?
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  Speaker 3: Right? How loud your life is every day?
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  Speaker 2: It's work, it's dating, it's a problem, it's a problem,
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  Speaker 2: it's a you're getting pulled in a million directions. There's
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  Speaker 2: a lot of noise, and you're sitting there and you're like, wait,
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  Speaker 2: if you take a I was even thinking just why
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  Speaker 2: you were saying that. It's like, wait, have I ever
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  Speaker 2: done that? Or if I did that, what would I want?
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  Speaker 2: Because I don't even think someone asks you, someone says
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  Speaker 2: what are your values? And you go have a good family,
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  Speaker 2: and they just like list things. But what are those
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  Speaker 2: values even come from? I don't even know if like
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  Speaker 2: people are aware where their values come from.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean they come from like going inward and
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  Speaker 3: figuring out for you at the end of your life,
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  Speaker 3: right when you're on your deathbed, what do you want
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  Speaker 3: to be remembered for in the life that you've lived
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  Speaker 3: and created? And like how do you want people to
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  Speaker 3: think about you? So it's actually really really existential, But
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  Speaker 3: for a lot of us this gets really deep really quickly,
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  Speaker 3: but we avoid the thought of like existential angst and
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  Speaker 3: anxiety and death, especially millennials. Like I think we are
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  Speaker 3: probably one of the generations that's most removed from like
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  Speaker 3: the fact that we will all one day die.
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  Speaker 2: Why is that? Why are we removed?
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot of different reasons. I mean we are.
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  Speaker 3: I think in some level we feel invincible. We're slowing
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  Speaker 3: down aging, like people get botox and stuff really quickly.
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  Speaker 3: You can't really tell how old anyone is anymore. I
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  Speaker 3: also think, like we do live longer now, we don't
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  Speaker 3: like to see old people. We put in nursing homes
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  Speaker 3: and kind of like avoid seeing them and stuff. Right
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  Speaker 3: for us as millennials, yeah, I think there's a lot
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  Speaker 3: of distractions and there's not a lot of space to
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  Speaker 3: just like sit, meditate, be with yourself. And there's also
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  Speaker 3: a lot of external like shoulds and hows that are
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  Speaker 3: thrown at us. Right, So those are a few different
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  Speaker 3: reasons as to why we don't sit with it long enough.
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  Speaker 1: So we have this external locus of control that we've
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  Speaker 1: just developed because of the way we grew up, and
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  Speaker 1: then you have all the comparison that comes along with that,
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  Speaker 1: and you're not looking at what your real values are,
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  Speaker 1: You're not looking at your mortality, and you're sort of
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  Speaker 1: just going based off if I loved what you were saying,
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  Speaker 1: sort of even made me think about it, the maybe
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  Speaker 1: family's influence on you? What are some of those other
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  Speaker 1: areas families influence on you? Because I think it highlights
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  Speaker 1: really specifically for people like oh, yeah, right, I don't
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  Speaker 1: actually realize how much my family is actually influenced my
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  Speaker 1: value system, yeah, or my decision making.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, humans are pack animals, right, We want to
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  Speaker 3: belong to a group. That's one of the core needs
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  Speaker 3: of all of us is acceptance and belonging. To go
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  Speaker 3: inward and like go against like your family or society's
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  Speaker 3: norms and stuff is really really scary because once you
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  Speaker 3: sit with yourself and figure out like what's actually important
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  Speaker 3: to you and your deeper values that might not align
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  Speaker 3: with like the community and the people that you have
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  Speaker 3: around you, and living into that might lead to isolation
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  Speaker 3: and like conflict in the core group. So yeah, I
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  Speaker 3: mean friendships, social media, family, society telling us what's valuable,
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  Speaker 3: which in capitalism, right is being beautiful and rich and
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  Speaker 3: having a lot of friends and being likable and stuff. Right,
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  Speaker 3: But living into that if you sit with yourself and
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  Speaker 3: get clear on like what's important to a person might
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  Speaker 3: actually be in direct contradiction to like your truest self.
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  Speaker 3: And when you're living in any sort of contradiction with
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  Speaker 3: your deeper core values, there's going to be tension that
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  Speaker 3: leads to like chronic anxiety or depression or I need
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  Speaker 3: to numb oneself with like sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping. And
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  Speaker 3: what I see a lot in the United States and
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  Speaker 3: with our age group, right is people are they're projecting
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  Speaker 3: happiness on social media and stuff, but when they're coming
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  Speaker 3: into the therapy office, a lot of us are really
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  Speaker 3: sad and lonely and lost and feeling like I don't
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  Speaker 3: feel a deep sense of purpose and meaning in my life.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I heard this great line where like therapy is
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  Speaker 1: almost like shining a light into a dark room. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and being able to see what's really in there? Are
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  Speaker 1: there like certain questions you would ask to shine a
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  Speaker 1: light on parts of their inner world to help them,
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  Speaker 1: like see maybe where values are aligned or missiligned.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I try to reflect back. If you guys don't mind,
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  Speaker 3: I can share like a case that I think was
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  Speaker 3: like I obviously give confidential information, but I was working
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  Speaker 3: with a male client your age, and he came in
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  Speaker 3: and he was a super successful software engineer and super
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  Speaker 3: clean cut, had a relationship, right, was doing really well
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  Speaker 3: by all measure of success of what we define our
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: success as, and he was so depressed, actively suicidal, right,
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  Speaker 3: And it was really confused because I'm like, here, you are,
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  Speaker 3: in your early twenties, making six figures a year, killing it.
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  Speaker 3: You write your attractive like you have it all, but
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  Speaker 3: yet like you're actively like hating yourself and wanting to die.
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  Speaker 3: And as we started unpacking things more like his truest
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  Speaker 3: self was like someone that was really free, like he
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: loved travel and adventure and he valued like connection with
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  Speaker 3: different types of people and like open mindedness and wanting
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  Speaker 3: to move his body and stuff. And when you looked
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: at like the themes of what he was saying, like
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  Speaker 3: he enjoyed in his life as a kid or what
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  Speaker 3: made him happy, and like the external world that he
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  Speaker 3: was living in, they were completely at odds with each other. Right,
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  Speaker 3: So despite him being successful, he was like in this
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: inner war within himself right at all times. And so
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: he ended up doing something really brave and switched careers,
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: went into a more creative field. Quit his job, started
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: from zero, lost his salary, left his relationship and hip,
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: went to go travel the world, and like, over time,
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  Speaker 3: now he's really successful, restarted his career in a creative industry.
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  Speaker 3: But he's living a completely polar opposite life to the
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  Speaker 3: one that he had, which a lot of people would
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  Speaker 3: judge is less valuable or successful. But he's much happier
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  Speaker 3: and much more authentic and who he is as a person.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, have there been times been where you've Yeah, has
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  Speaker 1: that emp completely misaligned in where you are?
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  Speaker 2: Totally? Yeah, of course, And I knew you were going
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  Speaker 2: to ask me that because I just obviously right. It
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  Speaker 2: makes sense that because I have you say, like, how
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  Speaker 2: do you feel authentic? I mean, how do you even
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: know what your authenticity looks like? And even if you
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  Speaker 2: have an idea, it's so scary to even try it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Right, You're like, oh, I'm going to go do something
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  Speaker 2: that I haven't done in years because I think I
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  Speaker 2: know I want to do it. What are the people
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  Speaker 2: who I've built relationships are going to think of me?
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  Speaker 2: And so I would say when I was, I mean
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: at least like in my early thirties or late twenties,
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: was just like very depressed and unsure why right, And
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: I think I was doing what people told me I
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  Speaker 2: should be doing based off of the life that I had,
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: which was like, you're somebody who was X, Y, and Z,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna.
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  Speaker 1: Get specivic you're somebody who is Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: People were like you're an inspiration and you know how
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  Speaker 2: to speak truth to the things that have brought you pain,
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  Speaker 2: and you're somebody who wants to you know, change the
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: world whatever, right, And like I love those compliments, but
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  Speaker 2: I was like, how am I going to do that?
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  Speaker 2: That's a lot of pressure, right, and I and I
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: was when I and then I got I got healthy
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: again after I was sick, and then I had to
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: like go into therapy and be like that's too much pressure.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want this anymore.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a role that was given to you by
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  Speaker 3: external forces, not you yourself, and.
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  Speaker 2: Then I just internalize it and believed it, and I
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: felt always stressed by trying to like make everything the
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  Speaker 2: best thing ever, and then I was always failing in
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  Speaker 2: my eyes, and then I was like am I. People
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  Speaker 2: were like, you're not failing. You're doing a great job
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  Speaker 2: because you're trying. But I was like, you don't know
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  Speaker 2: how I feel. You're telling me what I have to do,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: what would make me reach my true potential. And then
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: I just got lost in my own experience. And so
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: for me, my therapist, I was doing act work acceptance
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: and commitment therapy, which was more about like aligning to
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  Speaker 2: your values and trying to live your values every day.
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  Speaker 2: So I did a workbook, like a thirty page workbook.
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  Speaker 2: While I was depressed, I went up on medication and
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  Speaker 2: I did a workbook every single day.
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  Speaker 3: And what did you find in that? And how were
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  Speaker 3: you not aligned in this expectation of you being this
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: role for everybody, being sweet and the people pleaser, Like
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  Speaker 3: what was actually important to you? And what did you
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: do to rectify that? Yeah, discreptancy.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, first thing I did was I looked at the
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  Speaker 2: value chart and I didn't really understand what values were
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: at the time. Right, family community, Like there's a list
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: of things that you bucket your values into family, community, friendships, work, virtuality, spirituality. Right,
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  Speaker 2: And then I was like, how do I feel? I
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: ranked those one to ten, three, two, four, like that
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: web thing right, yeah, exactly. It was like a whatever
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  Speaker 2: web or and I was just like, they're nowhere. And
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  Speaker 2: then I was like, what do I need to do
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  Speaker 2: to make those values feel better? I was like, wait,
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  Speaker 2: giving back is like a bigger value than making money.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: But I was like, I'm ashamed for that because I
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: want to raise a family and take vacations. And then
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: I was like, wait, you can have both, but I
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: need to be able to give back to feel like
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I can make money. And I was misaligned in that
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: way because I was focusing too much on making money
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: or family's a big value, but I wasn't giving time
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: into making my relationship with my brother better. I was
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: just more angry towards him. Yeah, so when I was
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: with my family, I was aggravated, and so I just
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: started to look at that and then I was like, wait,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: you know, when I'm more connected to my religion and
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: dinners with my family, I feel better and I was
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: missing those on purpose.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, because it served as like an external reflection of
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: ways that you weren't in alignment was actually important to you.
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  Speaker 3: So it's interesting that you said that, because when people
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  Speaker 3: aren't in alignment with their values, it like slowly dwindles
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  Speaker 3: away at their self esteem. And the example I like
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: to give my clients, right, is like, if your value,
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  Speaker 3: for instance, is to be honest, and then you go
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: to a restaurant and you eat a meal and you
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: don't actually like it, and the waiter comes up to
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: you and is like, hey, how was your meal? And
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: you say, oh, it was amazing? Right, and you people please,
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: like you're making that person comfortable and you're alleviating anxiety
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: for that temporary second right for both of you. But
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  Speaker 3: as you do that, you're going against your core value
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  Speaker 3: of yours, which is being honest. And it's so small,
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  Speaker 3: it's so small, but it dwindles away.
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  Speaker 1: You do it.
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  Speaker 2: You do it all day every day to how was
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: your day? It was amazing?
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  Speaker 3: Yet the day was it?
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Was?
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: It? Really? Yeah? And just think about how uncomfortable it
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: is to actually be honest, both for you and for
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: the waiter. But imagine, like how much weight that gives
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: you in regards to building your own self esteem and
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: social capital of Like, you can do something really difficult,
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: even if it's uncomfortable for you and for the other person,
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: because it's the right thing to do.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: It empowers you those little things.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: I feel it actually, yeah, based on what's important to you, right, right?
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: If your like family is a good value and someone says, oh,
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: it's a cousin's birthday, Like, I don't have to go
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: because that cousin the A'm not too close to. And
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: then you're like, is my family disappointed in me? My
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: family was a big value and you missed that little
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: thing over time, that guilt, Oh should I have gone?
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: That's not a big deal. You're like, oh, I'm missing
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: that's so true. You do lose self esteem. Yeah, that's interesting.
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: That is interesting.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I've never I've never heard the misalignment of values characterized
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: as being related to self esteem. It's like, how you
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: it's because it's about how you treat yourself, is that why?
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Well, it's who you are, right, Your values are literally
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: your self identity. It's like you are a completely different
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: person than me. You two are completely different people. You've
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: had totally different life experiences. You're here in the room together, right,
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: but we're all driven and come here from like very
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: different stories and lenses. And I think like it's the
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: core of like who you are is your sense of
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: self and your values define that we all have different ones.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: What are like the key ways to try to find
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: your values.
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: There's a whole process that I tend to use with clients,
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: which is like to take a step back and like
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: take a look at the roles that you play in
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: your life. Because we all play roles right, sibling, sun, citizen, right,
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: and friend right. And someone who's truly aligned with their
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: values actually shows up consistently as a person in all
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: of those roles. Someone who is not aligned with their
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: values wears a different mask, plays a different role in
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: each of their roles right, Right, And that's the difference
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: between someone who's actually authentic and someone who's not right.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: Because someone as a son could be like the one
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: that's really like angry and honest in the family, but
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: then as like a colleague could be super charming and sweet. Right.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: That person is externally controlled based on who he or
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: she is around and like the environment instead of like
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: a core internal sense of self, because someone who has
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: a core internal sense of self, they're not playing a
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: role for anyone. They just are who they are, and
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: in those roles, there's consistency. Does that make sense? Yeah,
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: it does. Yeah, So yes, I'm gonna turn it back
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: on you guys and be like, I'll turn it back
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: on Kevin. Yeah. Do you feel like you have that
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: or do you feel like there's still And it's okay
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: if you don't, Like, I think that's a really honest
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: thing to answer, and I have to go back in
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: my own life and constantly reflect because we all times
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: lose sight of our true self and our value system
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: and like we play the game, yeah, but that's usually
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: when we start noticing ourselves feeling lost or sad or misaligned.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: So it's okay if you're not there.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, of course, if.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: You're being honest with yourself.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like I feel like there are times
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: where I'm able to sort of stay consistent across these
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: different areas. When I find it really challenging is let's say,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: in areas like family, when I'm trying to hold things together,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: or if I feel like like if some of my
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: people pleasing or caretaking patterns come up. Those like childhood
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: tendencies and patterns come up wherever it is. Maybe it
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: happens as family often, but it also happens in other areas,
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: maybe happens in relationship or friendships. That's when I become misaligned.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then what happens for you if you do
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: that consistently, Like, yeah, what our own mental health or
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: your own well.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I get critical of myself because I may like get
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: upset with family, Like I may like get a bit
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: triggered and blow up, you know, or I may do
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: what you were saying earlier. The people pleasing gets in
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: the way of integrity of communicating clearly and honestly, even
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: on the little things like how is your day? And
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: do I want to like really share everything or sort
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: of hold back? And I love what you said because
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: it does affect my self esteem or even sense of
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: worth and happiness. I'm just reflecting on that right now,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: because it does. It does feel like I can see
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: the times in my life when I'm less consistent and
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I get more judgmental and critical of myself, and then
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: the times when I'm creating, when I'm feel more aligned
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: with my values, when I'm like hosting events and just
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: really on it in terms of with my family, and
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not leaky and trying to like overly take care
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: of them without them asking for it and all those things.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: That's when I feel shitty is when I'm just doing
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: all that.
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you notice, like what's different
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: when you are more in alignment with like your values?
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Like what allows you to do that?
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: What allows me to be more aligned with my values?
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: What do you know?
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: You think? So when you care less about what other
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: people think of you and you just go after it.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true, That is true.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: There's probably safety yeah, knowing that, like your people have
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: your back, like for me, right, no matter what, you know,
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: we're going to show up a Saturday Soul totally every morning.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah right, Like, yeah, we're in a.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Comparison easier to be like in my relationship right now. Yeah,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: it's really easy for me to show up in that
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: way because I do have the sense of safety that
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I know she's going to be able to communicate really
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: clearly with me, tell me if something's wrong. I'm not
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: guessing what she's thinking. Yeah, she's real with me, and
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: so I'm able to be real with her and it
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: feels very just safe and comfortable. So I'm able to
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: do it so that like that feels great.
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I think that's a really good point because when
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: you are with the right people in the right relationships,
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: you can be your authentic self and you can live
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: from a values based place even if it is socially
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: weird or uncomfortable or you're not playing the typical role,
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: those people will not leave you, right. So that's why
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: those relationships feel safe is because you've taken the mask off,
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: You've you've shown them your true self, You've shown what's
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: important to you, and they stick around. The problem happens
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: right when you've been placed into roles or like when
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: other people project onto you and place you into roles
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: and you feel like you have to be that for them, right,
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: and like you may be representing something to them or
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: fulfilling like a need of theirs, but at the expense
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: of like your true happiness and true self.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: How do you take the steps in a relationship to
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: try if I have was had a long conversation with
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: a friend last week and he's like, can you please
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: do an episode on how to be your more authentic
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: self in a relationship, exactly what you asked me. Yeah,
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: like I had girlfriends in the last seven years. He
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: was engaged once and he said, I'm having a hard
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: time being I don't know because I don't know if
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: I've ever been my authentic self in a relationship. How
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: do you do it?
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: Well, okay, so let's go back to the values we
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: started with. You figure out your roles that you play
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: in your life. You figure out am I consistent and
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: how I show up in all those roles? Or am
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: I different as a son, as a citizen, as a brother,
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: or whatever. And then you go in and you say, like,
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: what do I want to be like as a son?
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: What do I want to be like as a friend? Right?
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: Do I want to be honest? Do I want to
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: be reliable? Do I want to be motivating? Right? And
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: everyone is different. I want to really highlight that because
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: people tend to label things as good or bad, and like,
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: your personal values are inherent to you as a person.
• 25:22
  Speaker 3: There's no good or bad values. Like some people are
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: driven by creativity, other people are driven by altruism. Other
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: people are more selfish and like that's who they are,
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: and they're driven by self gain right. The important part
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: here is like being honest with yourself for you as
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: an individual, what is important to you actually.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Doing the actions that represent that.
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: Well, first you have to label them, right, So you
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: have to find the vocabulary of like, okay, like for me,
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: I'll just give my example. Like for me, honesty is
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: a huge value. And I notice that when I am
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: in relationships or in situations where I have to play
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: a role and like not be honest, I end up
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: feeling like super resentful, really anxious, really depressed. Right, And
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: so like, I will be honest even if it's uncomfortable,
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: because I recognize like that in the long run makes
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: me feel better about myself. Right, So I defined it. It
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: took me a while to get clear of like what
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: is the word? But it was honesty? Yeah, right. And
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: then there's also like motivation or creativity, Like there's so
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: many you can break them down, but you have to understand,
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: like from a very intimate level, like what words describe
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: how you want to experience the world and how you
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: want the world to experience you.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: I think there's also an element like yeah, first knowing
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: what it is and then yeah, taking actions towards it.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: I'll say The other time when I feel the most connected,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: aligned alive is when I'm actively doing the things that
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: light up my values. Like I have a friend Alex
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: who one of his values is is fun. He's like
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: fun for the pure sake of fun. Yeah, Like that's
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: one of his top five ones, and he will just
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: very actively plan shit that's really fun.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And it.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Takes a bit of work totally.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: It takes a bit of like, Okay, like I have
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: an afternoon, why don't I just call one of my
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: friends and we can have like a day where we
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: just like mess around all afternoon or have brunch or
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: go jet skiing or like, oh we have I have
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: a Saturday like that kind of stuff. It all adds
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: up totally.
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's daily choices, every single moment of your life
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: because your values are constantly at play and how you
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: interact with other people in the world around you. So
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: it's like every little small choice, right do I choose
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: to have fun? Fun is important to me and that's
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: a core value, Like how do I make every day
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: somewhat fun?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: How do you quiet the the external societal noise? Like
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: you may maybe you find these values, but then you
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: find that constantly when you're with your friends, or when
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: you get right in public and you feel like, let's
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: say the comparison of appearance and like and and looks,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: and you're like, well, I want to be this social, connected,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: fun person, but then I feel really critical of myself
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: and how I look physically. And as an example, how
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: do you help people quiet that noise of society?
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: Well, I think we all need to sit with ourselves
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: for a second and do like an inventory, right, So
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: meditation is huge. I do always encourage my clients to
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: like go inward and meditate, And for a lot of
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: people it's really uncomfortable. You both meditate from what I
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: know about you two. And when you first start right
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: when the noise is really loud, people have a really
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: hard time pushing past that. But once you get more
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: used to it and quiet, like you start noticing like
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: patterns and themes and your thinking and stuff, and then
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: doing an inventory right, writing down like where do I
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: feel happy in my life? Where do I feel aligned?
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: Where do I not? What types of people do I
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: feel safe with? Like, you too, clearly feel very safe
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: with each other, which is why you're able to have
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: really real and vulnerable conversations.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, I want to pause the episode here because what
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Son just saying is so important. And as Ben and
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: I were watching back the episode, I got transported back
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: to a moment in my life about thirteen years ago
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: where I did a very similar practice and it changed
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: my life. It changed the trajectory of my life. I
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: was twenty one years old and I was in a
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: place where I just felt very frustrated by my life.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: And I was in college, was my junior year, and
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: I just felt stuck. I felt lost, I felt very annoyed.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: I had like a lot of lower back pain, which
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: to me is always a sign of a lot of
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: internal turmoil and stress. And I knew on my core
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: this wasn't who I was. That I shouldn't have this
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: kind of back pain at twenty one years old, that
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't be in this much inner turmoil at this
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: time in my life. And then I went on a
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: trip with one of my best friends, Alex Beniyaan, and
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: we went to San Francisco and we were at a
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: restaurant called The Slanted Door in San Francisco, and I
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: remember telling him how much stress and just inner turmoil
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I was feeling, and he walked me through this exercise
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: called the Sun and the Clouds that not only changed
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: how I was feeling that year, but really changed the
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: trajectory of my entire life. And it goes right back
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: to this inventory that Son just talking about in the episode.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: So he flips over the restaurant menu and he draws
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: a line down the middle of it, and right now,
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: if you're buy a piece of paper, or if you
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: want to pause and go get a piece of paper,
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: I actually encourage you to do this with me. He
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: drew a line down the middle, and on the left side,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: at the top he drew storm clouds. And then on
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: the right side of the top he drew a sun.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: And he said, on the left side, under the clouds,
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: write everything in your life right now that feels like
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: there are storm clouds over your head. What are the people,
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: what are the things you do? What are the activities,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: what are the responsibilities? What are the beliefs that make
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: you feel like there are storm clouds over your head?
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: And so I start writing this down for three, four
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: or five minutes, I'm writing down literally the people in
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: my life at the time who made me more stressed,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: or made me more self conscious, or made me more
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: self critical of myself. I wrote down the responsibilities that
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: I had taken on that made me more stressed, that
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: put me in that place of turmoil. I wrote down
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: the activities. It really went on and on and on.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: There's probably about twenty things on the left side of
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: the paper. And then he said, on the right side
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: of the paper, write all the things that make you
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: feel like there is bright sunlight in your life. The people,
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: the activities, the roles, the responsibilities, the jobs, everything. Then
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: I do that, and he said, take this piece of paper.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: My friend, Alex is amazing. He said, take this piece
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: of paper, put it next to your bed, and for
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: the next thirty days, read it every morning, and try
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: and do less of the left side and more of
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: the right side. And it seems simple, but it really
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: changed my life. I realized how much energy I was
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: putting towards in time, I was putting towards the people
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: and the things that actually were draining me completely, things
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: like social media or drinking too much and partying in college,
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: or spending time with specific people that made me feel
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: shitty about myself. And then it got me to put
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: more of my energy towards the things that made it
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: feel like there was sunshine in my life. The people,
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: because there are always people who bring that into my life,
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: the activities, the daily things I can do that lighten
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: up my life. And fast forward six months, that inventory,
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: that conversation, that practice of the sun and the clouds
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: completely changed my life. I ended up graduating early from
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: college and going on a three month solo backpacking adventure
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: where I really found myself. I meditated for the first
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: time during a apastana, a ten day silent meditation retreat,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: and it set me on my path. And so I
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: encourage you right now to actually pause the episode and
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: take five minutes see how it goes. Okay, back to
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: the show.
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: It all links together, right, because when someone is really authentic,
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: they're really polarizing, right, So some people are really like
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: drawn to them and other people are really repelled by them,
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: depending on where those people are in their own process
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: of healing and stuff. But like when you have a
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: world right which is online where other people are telling you,
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: like what you should look like and who you should date,
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: and like, right, you're comparing yourself to everybody. People who
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: are authentic, like I just said, they're polarizing, and it
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: ends up being that like people who are just following
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: they're kind of lost and they're anxious and unhappy and
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: depressed and stuff. Right, And that's why you see such
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: an epidemic within our generation of like high anxiety, high
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: addiction like sex addiction, gambling and stuff. Like Americans should
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: be super happy, right, we are like the most privileged
• 34:56
  Speaker 3: like country, we have everything at the finger to right,
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: but we're one of the most medicated, depressed societies. And
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: a big reason for that, right is because people are
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: just sheep following each other, playing roles completely disconnected from
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: like who are they as individuals and what do they
• 35:15
  Speaker 3: actually want? And they're not brave enough or they're not
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: given the opportunity to be dark and be real and
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: like go inward and break that right.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Aw amazing, And because we just talked about sort of
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: the inner landscape of comparison, Yeah, are there like emotional
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: hygiene things. If someone finds themselves comparing themselves to people
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: on social media all the time, you would like like
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: four things that you would just tell them, like do
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: these things or practice these things to clean yourself of
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: this comparison.
• 35:49
  Speaker 3: Well, okay, so we all project, right, and I love
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: the book I'm listening to right now is really fascinating
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: because it talks about this but great example of comparison. Right,
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: somebody might be wearing a Rolex and you also are
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: wearing a Rolex, and so you're allowed comparing yourself to
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: that person because you're like, oh, like we're both signaling
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: something based on like what we're wearing. But one person
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: might be wearing the Rolex because they value craftsmanship of
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: the watch and like they're passionate about like watches and stuff, right,
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: and that's their desire, right, is like the art and
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: creativity and like you know, the actual watch itself, and
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: it's not a status symboling thing to them, Like they
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: actually love the watch. Somebody else might be wearing that
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: watch and they're looking at it and they're like, this
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: is a status symbol. I'm trying to show other people
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: that I'm better than them. We're going to project ourselves
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: onto the other person. So the person who is trying
• 36:44
  Speaker 3: to use it as a status symbol is going to
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: automatically start comparing him or herself to the other person
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: and be in an unconscious competition with them because they
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: think I'm showing it off for status. So that guy
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: must be too, when in reality, the person across from
• 37:00
  Speaker 3: you might have a totally different value system and a
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: totally different desire behind why they're wearing the watch. So
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: the more aware you are of your roles, your values,
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: and your desires, the less you are going to project
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: that onto other people. And when you are triggered by somebody,
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: you're able to say, Okay, I'm triggered by this person
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: because I'm projecting my values and stuff onto them and
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: comparing myself to them, when in reality that person might
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: be in a completely different world and lane even though
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: they outwardly seem similar to me, or they outwardly to
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: me seem like they're competing with me, might not be
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: the case at all. So a lot of it is
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: like slowing down understanding yourself, self awareness, acknowledgment of projection
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: and comparison, which a lot of us don't do.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we don't. So the thread that I dis
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: true is because you keep bringing back to the values,
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: which I think is really interesting. And the thread I
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: just drew is, Okay, I open up social media and
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: I see someone I know that's like uber successful. They're
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: let's say, flying private or just like have all the shiny,
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: nice things that make me feel like a lower self
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: worth because of the success that they have. That's me
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: comparing myself on these on these things that actually aren't
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: all my values. If instead I were to realign to
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: my values, which is love and the ways that I'm
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: showing up in very loving ways, which is creativity, which
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: is family, which and all the areas in which that
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: I'm actually showing up in my friendships, in my love
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: and relationship with my family, in my career, in creativity,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: and my work in contribution. All of a sudden, now,
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: even as I'm saying it, I feel less comparison to
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: that person.
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but outwardly, right, society might tell you like, oh,
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: you should be jealous of this person. Yeah, Like societies
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: like you should be jealous.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: You should be jealous of this person because they have
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: they have all.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: The things that we've told you makes you valuable as
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: a person. But like you as a person might get
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: all of those things too and feel completely empty. Yeah,
• 39:12
  Speaker 3: getting that.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: It's like you're playing on their their their turf, versus
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: being like, this is my playing field, this is what's
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: important to me. Yeah, And all of a sudden, you're
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: winning yeah, and you're in control.
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: But an internal locus of control.
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, saying I love is you know someone's like, oh,
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: the grass is greener on the other side, and someone's like,
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: just water the grass you have, Yeah, right, because you're
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: just like constantly in the hamster wheel without understanding.
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: What you want. Yeah. Yeah, And that I think is
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: the millennial crisis. I think we all don't really know
• 39:45
  Speaker 3: what we want because we've been fed what we should
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: want by like social media and like our families and stuff.
• 39:53
  Speaker 3: And I do think our generation is starting to like
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: unpack that. Like a lot of us are in therapy
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: and we know lot more about psychology and all these things,
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: and there's more conversations happening. So I do think we're
• 40:05
  Speaker 3: starting to unpack it. But I also think we're one
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: of the generations that, like, during a very vulnerable time,
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: got bombarded with a lot of like external expectations of
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: who we should be. So one of the things that
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: I really like hope our generation does is like go
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: inward and like figure out who are you, what's important
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: to you, Like, what are your desires, what are your values,
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: and like to start creating that internal locus of control.
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that for listening do it. Yeah, I
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: bet my.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: Phone in the middle because I just was like, So,
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: I was like, holy shit, my mind is being blown
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: because I was like, forgot, I forgot that I like
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: did my value six years ago and then one year
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: ago today. You know, I was in Big Bear last year.
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: This last week I with Marquez like I was. I
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: went to Big Bear back to back weekends with it
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: in the year whatever, and then last year, I want
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: to hike. I realized that my values were what they
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: were when I was thirty. I'm thirty five now. So
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: I rewrote my values a year ago today and I
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: forgot and then I was like, oh, let.
• 41:05
  Speaker 3: Me just take it look at them.
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: So then I was like, connection is like my number
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: one Yeah, experience, play, creativity, trust, honesty, being seen, perseverance
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: and growth. Then obviously think like love and families in
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: there too. But it wasn't like that. I didn't realize
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: that connection was my number one prior was my number
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: one value until all of my relationships with my friends
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: and my family that I was like myself with was
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: bringing me the biggest sense of comfort. And that's why
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: I think I go out in the world and I'm
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: trying to meet strangers, give compliments, help people out, because
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: if i can connect on the shortest level, then I'm
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: feeling the most fulfilled.
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and you feel good about yours?
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: N nice love it. This has been such a fun concert.
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: Where can we find me reading counseling.
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: On our website or on social media? Yeah, we're all
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: through California and Utah and we take all insurance plans,
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: including Medicare and Medicare.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: So amazing, amazing, love you, love you, so you appreciate you. Hey,
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: thanks for listening. We appreciate you.
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: If you enjoyed this episode and us embarrassing ourselves and
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: talking about our feelings, you are definitely going to like
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: everything else.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: Follow on on Instagram at free therapy and we'll see
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: you next time.