Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / How to Recover from the Lowest Point in Your Life

Transcript

How to Recover from the Lowest Point in Your Life · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:00
  I don't know who I am anymore.
• 0:02
  If you've said that sentence out loud to someone or just even into your own head, maybe it's in those quiet moments.
• 0:12
  This is an episode for you.
• 0:14
  And I want to start by telling you what that sentence actually means.
• 0:18
  And it's not sometimes what you think.
• 0:21
  It does not mean that something has gone wrong.
• 0:24
  It means that you've lost the things that were telling you who you were.
• 0:29
  Maybe one of them was a particular job, a title, a marriage, a home.
• 0:36
  Maybe you've moved home.
• 0:38
  Maybe you've lost someone that's close to you, like a parent or a version of the life that you built and you were expecting to keep and you had an identity around it.
• 0:51
  And when enough of those types of things go, the sense of our self goes with it, the way we experience ourself, because that is what our identity, our sense of ourself was resting on.
• 1:08
  None of that then, is a weakness.
• 1:11
  It's like maths.
• 1:14
  It usually comes with a second sentence, which is, I don't know what I want anymore.
• 1:23
  We don't know what we like anymore.
• 1:26
  I used to be so full of life and dreams, and now look at my life.
• 1:30
  I can't even want that anymore.
• 1:34
  Those two sentences are the same thing, and there is a reason they arrive in that order and a reason they're pushing harder.
• 1:44
  And trying to achieve more is not going to fix either of them.
• 1:49
  So as we spend this time together, I'm going to show you what happened, why it happened in that order, and you can reflect on your own life and what brings both of them back.
• 2:02
  So you feel like yourself again, and it's not the thing that you've been trying to do.
• 2:08
  It's something much better.
• 2:11
  You're evolving, and it's gentler as well.
• 2:14
  And the research says the gentle approach works better.
• 2:19
  That whole feeling, and I really resonate with this.
• 2:22
  I remember feeling like this myself of I don't know who I am anymore.
• 2:29
  Sometimes I'd be crumbling, almost like crouching down.
• 2:35
  Just like I'm broken, I don't know who I am.
• 2:40
  As if I want to surrender what it really is in that moment.
• 2:46
  Loads of labels have been taken off.
• 2:50
  It might be that you feel like you're not a good enough mother or a good enough father.
• 2:55
  It feels like someone's taken the label off of your success, someone who's made it.
• 3:03
  Those were the things that were given to you as a map, saying, if you achieve this, then you can have this label too.
• 3:11
  It's like an award that you've won, you know you're worthy of it.
• 3:16
  But somewhere along the lines, it wasn't given to you.
• 3:19
  You couldn't have them.
• 3:21
  And because of that, now it feels like, well, if I can't have that, then I'm a failure.
• 3:27
  When that thing doesn't work out, that business never took off or that marriage ended, that you weren't recognized, it's like we're told that we're not valuable, then it's intrinsically related.
• 3:43
  That label that we're after is a way of showing that I'm valuable.
• 3:51
  And here's the part almost nobody says out loud.
• 3:54
  Even if you got the label back, you got that job or you got that relationship, there's something underneath that still is not answered.
• 4:05
  It's not like you really want it anymore.
• 4:07
  It doesn't satisfy me.
• 4:09
  It doesn't make me feel good.
• 4:11
  Which leaves the question, what is it?
• 4:14
  Then you still would feel lost, you'd still feel empty, you'd still feel a little bit dead inside.
• 4:22
  Is because you want to know who you are beyond the labels now.
• 4:28
  That's why you're feeling the way you do.
• 4:32
  It's a part of your evolution.
• 4:36
  It's now your labels are off.
• 4:40
  You can now explore what it means to be you before you ever were given some map of how to live your life by somebody else.
• 4:53
  So when you feel, I don't know what I want and I don't even think I'll ever know deep down, and you even might think my old identity, it's like it feels comfortable and it's hard to snap out of
• 5:09
  being that old version of myself or the version of me now.
• 5:13
  And it feels like I'm behind, but I can't stop myself from moving forward.
• 5:19
  It's like I can't snap out of being behind.
• 5:22
  And I don't even know who I'm comparing myself against either, but yet I do feel behind.
• 5:29
  Think back to when you were 25, and if you're 25, then think back to when you were 18.
• 5:35
  Nobody's ever really sat down and said to you, hey, what do you actually want?
• 5:41
  Or asked you.
• 5:44
  No one really asked us.
• 5:46
  It was like, no, you must be married by at least 30 or 35, that you need to have children, you need to be successful, have a good job, and these are the things that you need to do.
• 5:59
  But did you pick any of those, really?
• 6:02
  That's why the people we're around impact us so much.
• 6:06
  It impacts how we think, what we aim for in life, what we think is possible for us.
• 6:14
  Research on the self finds that shame tracks to the gap between who you are and the standard.
• 6:24
  So the standards that bite hardest are the ones that came from other people rather than from you.
• 6:32
  So if we've been given this standard of what it is that we need to do and we haven't quite met it, maybe you met it and you exceeded it and then you lost it.
• 6:43
  That means we'll feel the shame according to that from where we are and what the standard was that we were given.
• 6:52
  And this really matters.
• 6:54
  It really does explain why losing the feeling that we wanted feels like shame rather than just disappointment.
• 7:03
  Disappointment feels like when you own a plan that's yours and you didn't achieve it.
• 7:12
  That's like, oh, I'm disappointed this hasn't worked out, or I feel sad.
• 7:16
  But you automatically go into, you know what, this is what I want and I'm gonna learn from it so I can continue.
• 7:26
  But shame, shame is when you feel that sense of, I fell short of what someone else told me is success.
• 7:36
  I'm not good enough because of this map someone gave me when I was in the thick of it.
• 7:45
  I knew what I wanted because I wanted the opposite of what I was going through.
• 7:51
  You know when you're really rock bottom up the headline in that toxic relationship, I'm in that toxic work environment.
• 7:58
  I'm in a space where I just feel terrible.
• 8:02
  And there's nothing pushing you at that point apart from, I just want to be out of pain, I don't want to feel this.
• 8:09
  And here's the science behind that.
• 8:11
  A 2015 analysis of 90 studies by Colin Leach.
• 8:17
  They found that shame can make people act and take action if there's a failure.
• 8:23
  But it feels like, hey, I can sort this out, I can repair it, it's possible.
• 8:28
  And it makes people withdraw when they think it doesn't.
• 8:33
  So it's like, we can't move forward.
• 8:35
  We get stuck because we feel like it's not possible for me now.
• 8:41
  So if that marriage ended, you can't now make it unended if you like, it's like it's gone.
• 8:51
  We can't hold onto it now that maybe you've got divorced.
• 8:56
  If that career let you go, you can't now go back to them and say, hey, you can't get me laid off or make me redundant.
• 9:03
  I need that job back.
• 9:06
  So if now there's shame, then our system stops reaching.
• 9:14
  It stops wanting.
• 9:16
  Your wanting did not fail you.
• 9:19
  It pulled you back on purpose by something in you because you stopped wanting because you thought, I'll never have it.
• 9:30
  It's impossible.
• 9:31
  I can't see how I'm going to have it.
• 9:33
  It's like a belief.
• 9:34
  It's not possible for me now.
• 9:36
  I'm too old.
• 9:36
  I'm not good enough.
• 9:38
  So, for instance, if you've been laid off, so many of us feel like I'm not good enough because they laid me off.
• 9:46
  So then how can that be repaired?
• 9:49
  Moving forward, even if you get a new job, you're still gonna feel like I'm not good enough.
• 9:54
  So that wanting goes of actually achieving and striving and doing the best version on being you and really putting yourself out there, like freely to feel free, to be you and to achieve, it just isn't there anymore.
• 10:11
  You can have a lovely afternoon, for instance, with a friend, and still feel no pull to anything afterwards.
• 10:19
  People take that as proof that I'm broken because they assume enjoying and wanting are the same thing.
• 10:27
  The science behind this, Ken Bedridge at Michigan spent 30 years showing that's not true.
• 10:34
  The brain runs wanting and liking on different systems.
• 10:39
  Just because you want something doesn't mean you're going to like doing doing it.
• 10:43
  Wanting is the pull forward to a thing.
• 10:47
  Liking is the pleasure once it's here.
• 10:51
  So the problem is a lot of us think, oh, I don't want it because I don't like doing this action.
• 10:59
  But one can go quiet while the other one is completely intact.
• 11:04
  So you can still like something and not want it.
• 11:08
  That's possible.
• 11:09
  So you could like wealth but not want it now.
• 11:13
  You could like success but not want it now.
• 11:18
  And this really matters because sometimes we're analyzing ourselves and thinking, what's wrong with me?
• 11:24
  Like, I am so ashamed.
• 11:26
  I don't want anyone to know what's really going on inside me.
• 11:29
  But the truth is, it's like it's normal.
• 11:32
  You don't have to want and like the same thing.
• 11:35
  You can want a toxic relationship or a toxic person, but you don't like them.
• 11:40
  Sometimes you hate them, but you could still want them.
• 11:45
  So they're two separate things.
• 11:46
  And sometimes we can judge ourselves because of that.
• 11:50
  Why this matters is what you've lost then we can see now is the pull, not the capacity to like, to have joy, to enjoy yourself for pleasure.
• 12:04
  Those are two different problems.
• 12:06
  And maybe you've been trying to fix the wrong one.
• 12:09
  Sometimes we think, oh, I don't feel alive anymore.
• 12:12
  I don't want anything.
• 12:13
  So what do I like?
• 12:15
  This is the part that people don't say out loud.
• 12:19
  If you get that next job.
• 12:21
  You meet someone, you really like them and they're amazing and there is still something underneath that hasn't been answered for you because you've had this spiritual awakening.
• 12:32
  You already know this because you've had the thing before and it didn't settle you.
• 12:39
  Then Jennifer Crocker's research on contingent self worth found that staking our worth on achievement gives us the volatility without the payoff sometimes.
• 12:51
  In one of her studies, students who based their self esteem on grades, they studied harder but didn't get the better grades.
• 13:00
  The second half of this is the push, the over delivering, the being the capable one that is the one that's earned you the labels that I am capable, I am over delivering.
• 13:14
  There's a study at Columbia, it calls it the fallacy of uniform efficiency.
• 13:21
  The idea that a coping strategy is simply good or bad, but in fact it's neither.
• 13:28
  We just need different coping mechanisms for different situations.
• 13:32
  One might be good for one situation and wrong for another.
• 13:37
  You are not failing at anything that used to work for you.
• 13:43
  Basically, you've outgrown it.
• 13:45
  So what used to work for you isn't the right strategy, the coping strategy for you now.
• 13:52
  And nobody has handed you what comes next.
• 13:55
  Which leaves one question, and I think it's the one you've been carrying all along.
• 14:00
  We're going to come and answer the big question.
• 14:05
  Everything I've told you so far comes from research.
• 14:09
  Why the labels come off, why it hurts so much the way it does.
• 14:14
  It almost feels physical, like someone stabbed you in your heart.
• 14:19
  And why getting the labels back isn't going to be enough either.
• 14:23
  That work is solid and I will put that in the show notes so you can see where to find it yourself.
• 14:29
  If you love research as well.
• 14:32
  But the research cannot tell you what's underneath.
• 14:36
  I don't think there's any studies that do at this stage.
• 14:39
  So what I'm going to say to you now is not science.
• 14:42
  It's what I have found through my own deep thinking and my own soul search.
• 14:52
  And also through working with people.
• 14:56
  Just take a moment and actually listen to how we talk.
• 14:59
  And you can talk, listen to anyone.
• 15:01
  You could even go to a coffee shop and just listen for a bit.
• 15:04
  People will say things like, I'm tired, I am divorced, I am successful, I am 47, I am 27, I am lonely, I am excited.
• 15:18
  Every one of those things is temporary, right?
• 15:21
  Not one of them is going to last forever, but the one I am in front of them has never changed.
• 15:33
  It is the same as 6 years old I am and the same one today, in the morning, in the evening, before you go to bed.
• 15:46
  You did not lose the I am.
• 15:49
  You lost the words that came after it.
• 15:53
  And you were taught that those words were you the words that came after.
• 16:02
  So this came out of my own work with clients and I've heard a teacher called Rupert Spira say almost the same thing, which is in my show notes as well.
• 16:14
  If you want to go further and find him, he's been teaching it for 50 years though, so he's been doing a little bit longer than me.
• 16:23
  And it goes back thousands and thousands of years before him.
• 16:28
  There is a place in you that has never been damaged by anything that has happened to you.
• 16:36
  Never.
• 16:38
  Hurt is something you feel.
• 16:40
  It is not something you are.
• 16:43
  It's temporary.
• 16:45
  If hurt were who you are, you would be hurting every second of every day.
• 16:53
  And you're not.
• 16:55
  There's times where you won't feel that hurt.
• 16:59
  Most of the people out there are telling everyone, hey, take action, Move, do something.
• 17:07
  That advice doesn't work in this scenario.
• 17:12
  You've been handed maybe three steps saying, look, this is a strategy.
• 17:16
  Just take these actions, start your business.
• 17:19
  This is what you need to do.
• 17:20
  But there's still something missing, right?
• 17:23
  It's not that you don't know or you're not capable of finding out what to do.
• 17:28
  It's something else.
• 17:30
  Julia Brennys and Serena Shen ran four experiments in 2012.
• 17:37
  People were given a self compassionate response to their own failure, were more motivated to fix the weakness, and spent longer studying after failing a test than people given the self esteem boost.
• 17:52
  If we name the fear directly, if we just ease up on ourself, it never costs us our age.
• 18:01
  I know we've been taught we have to be told off.
• 18:05
  We have to be shouted at.
• 18:06
  And we're all shouting and being hard on ourselves within ourselves.
• 18:10
  To say, I should be further along than I am, that isn't going to work.
• 18:15
  It's actually holding us back even further.
• 18:18
  And it's so easy to say, okay, I'm not going to do it anymore.
• 18:21
  But that doesn't work because it's been conditioned into you.
• 18:27
  This is what I mean by really knowing your value and why it has to come first.
• 18:34
  You cannot express something you have not yet found.
• 18:40
  You need to acknowledge that you are.
• 18:44
  I am, I exist.
• 18:46
  Stop for a second.
• 18:48
  Whatever it is that you're doing right now, I want you to keep doing it.
• 18:53
  But just bring your attention somewhere else for a moment.
• 18:58
  Not to your thoughts, not to how you're feeling, not to any of the words that come after I am.
• 19:08
  Just to the plain fact that you're here.
• 19:11
  You're here with me.
• 19:14
  We're here together.
• 19:16
  That there is someone home within you and you exist.
• 19:21
  And how beautiful that is.
• 19:23
  And how I am so utterly grateful that you're here listening to me, because you too are allowing me that experience of knowing that I exist too.
• 19:36
  That's the beauty of you.
• 19:39
  That's what you're doing for me.
• 19:41
  And I too, I'm able to speak to you right now and tell you, yeah, you exist.
• 19:48
  You.
• 19:48
  You are.
• 19:52
  And you don't need to know who you are.
• 19:56
  Just the beauty.
• 19:58
  Just allowing your heart to fill up just knowing that you exist.
• 20:03
  You matter.
• 20:04
  You matter to me and I matter to you right now.
• 20:11
  Just because we're here together.
• 20:15
  Allow that to be just here for a few breaths.
• 20:21
  That is the thing that has never changed that.
• 20:26
  The miraculous you.
• 20:28
  It was there before the marriage, the job, the whatever.
• 20:32
  It's been lost and it'll still be there after.
• 20:38
  It was there when you were seven.
• 20:40
  It was there the day you were born, Just so full of it.
• 20:45
  And it is the one part of you that nothing will be able to touch.
• 20:49
  And it is so incredible, so beautiful.
• 20:56
  And you don't have to call it anything.
• 20:58
  You just have to know that it's still there.
• 21:03
  So you don't need to find your purpose this week.
• 21:07
  You do not need to know what you want this week.
• 21:12
  You only have to stop treating the quiet as proof that something is wrong.
• 21:17
  It is proof that something in you is protecting you.
• 21:21
  And it is allowed to stand down now because you're ready to live, live your life and express this life within you.
• 21:34
  If any of this episode resonated with you today, I do want to offer you something.
• 21:40
  20 minutes with me.
• 21:42
  Nothing formal than just a coffee and a chat.
• 21:46
  Or maybe you want to bring a cup of tea.
• 21:48
  You can tell me where you are and we can go looking for the pattern underneath.
• 21:53
  Not the story of what happened, but really get to the nuts and bolts of the pattern and why you keep arriving back at the same place even though we know you're.
• 22:04
  So you're ready?
• 22:05
  Let's go.
• 22:07
  Let's get that energy out and allow this life force energy to express itself.
• 22:15
  So I'm only going to be having this coffee and chat or a cup of tea and chat for this week because I just want to hear directly from people.
• 22:25
  And I know that most people have never had anyone look at a pattern with them before.
• 22:30
  I'm going to put the link in the show notes of this episode.
• 22:33
  And the second thing is if you got something from this podcast, please do rate the show.
• 22:40
  It's how other people who might be in the same place as you and you know how hard this can be, might be able to find this and maybe have some relief.
• 22:49
  The other thing I really want to get across is the importance of self love.
• 22:53
  That compassion towards yourself, that understanding towards yourself.
• 22:57
  It is the most important thing that you can do for yourself because you are life force energy.
• 23:04
  We don't need to judge ourself in any way, shape or form, but to be alive and to express that aliveness, that's how we make a difference.
• 23:13
  Maybe that's what people are talking about in terms of raising the consciousness level.
• 23:18
  We've got to get what it is that we have of value out into the world though, and allow that higher consciousness level to come through.
• 23:28
  Because you're not just changing your own life, you're changing the lives of everyone around you.
• 23:33
  By doing that, I am sending you so much love.
• 23:37
  Please remember to be loving towards yourself as well and I'll see you next time.