Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Why No Contact Hurts Like Hell (And How To Survive)

Transcript

Why No Contact Hurts Like Hell (And How To Survive) · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If you have an anxious attachment style, no contact
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  feels like emotional torture. You check your phone
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  obsessively. You replay old messages.
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  You stalk your ex's social media.
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  You physically ache for a reply and worst of all you feel weak
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  for struggling when everyone else just says move on.
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  Well, today I'm going to explain why this is so hard for you and
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  how to get through it so that you have an easier time staying
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  and no contact, which means that you'll have a better chance of
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  getting your ex back. But first, hi, this is Lucia
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  with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier? If you have, then you've stayed
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  in no contact and you've also downloaded my app Silencio to
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  help you stay in no contact. And the link to that is
• 1:07
  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you too would like to join our No Contact army, all
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  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:15
  notification. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  you purchase the book. OK, so why does no contact hit
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  differently for people who are anxious?
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  Well, imagine that your brain has a built in alarm system for
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  connection. And for people with a secure
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  attachment, that alarm is chill. It's like we'll hear from them
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  when we hear from them. For people with a dismissive
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  avoidant attachment style, they're busy doing their own
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  things, so they're not even worried about when they're going
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  to hear from someone. But for anxious attachers, that
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  alarm is a full blown siren. Studies show that when you're
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  separated from someone you're attached to, your brain
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  activates the same regions as physical pain.
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  That's why it feels like withdrawal, because on a
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  neurological level it is. And the reason you find it
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  difficult to do no contact with your ex when you have an anxious
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  attachment style is because your brain has been hijacked.
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  You have an abandonment wound and to you silence equals I'm
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  losing them forever. So if your ex gives you any type
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  of attention, even bread crumbs, your brain floods with dopamine,
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  adrenaline and oxytocin. And then when they withdraw,
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  cortisol spikes and this creates panic and craving.
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  And then if they pop up again, your system rewards you with
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  another huge neurochemical high. Now this is known as
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  intermittent reinforcement or positive partial reinforcement,
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  which I talked about in a video that I made a long time ago.
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  And if I can find it, I will place the link in the upper
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  right hand corner on YouTube. And it's also the reason why
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  slot machines are so addictive, except that you're not addicted
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  to a machine. You're addicted to your ex.
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  And you can't stop pressing that button on that machine, so to
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  speak. So every time you text them,
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  call them, or attempt to reconnect, you're hoping to win
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  the jackpot. You're hoping to get them back.
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  However, similar to gambling, you get enough small wins to
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  keep you hoping. But the biggest, the most
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  dangerous part of this is that your brain interprets their
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  intermittent reinforcement, their hot and cold, their
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  unpredictability as interest. And you learn this pattern as a
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  child when love was unpredictable and it often had
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  to be earned. So it feels familiar and it
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  feels safe because it reflects your earliest experiences with
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  love. And so every time they respond,
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  you think that this time it's going to be different, and this
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  time they'll come back. But the fact is that addicts
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  always think that the next hit is going to be the one that
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  satisfies them, but it rarely is.
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  So this isn't about willpower, it's about your nervous system
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  being stuck in a loop that says if you just try harder, they'll
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  come back. However, as usual, when it comes
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  to matters of the heart, the best thing to do feels
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  counterintuitive. Here's the paradox.
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  The more you feed the anxiety with contact, the worse it gets.
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  So every time you check their socials or send it just checking
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  in text, you're telling your brain this person is still my
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  lifeline. No contact is the only way to
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  reset that wiring. It's like pressing pause on the
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  addiction. The stress hormone cortisol
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  drops after 30 days of no contact.
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  That's why the 1st 30 days are the hardest.
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  And by the way, before I continue, I just want to mention
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  that 65% of people who listen to me are not subscribed.
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  So if I could ask you a favor, it would be that if my videos
• 5:32
  have ever helped you in any way and you want to give something
• 5:35
  back, then just hit the subscribe button.
• 5:37
  And I promise that I'm going to continue to work hard to put out
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  interesting and helpful videos so that you will have a better
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  chance of getting your ex back. Thank you.
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  So I know it feels like you're dying, but look at it this way.
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  What if this pain is your system finally learning that it can
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  survive without them? So how can you survive no
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  contact whether you're on day one or day 30 or even beyond
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  that? Well, you have to replace the
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  HIT. And by that I mean your brain
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  craves your X because it's used to the dopamine.
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  That's why breakups are so brutal, because the dopamine is
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  instantly cut off when they break up with you.
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  You don't always necessarily want your X back, but you do
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  want that dopamine. Give me that dopamine.
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  OK, fine, you got it. So to stay strong, you're going
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  to need healthy alternative sources of dopamine to rewire
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  your brain away from your dependency on your X.
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  So here is a list of science backed dopamine boosters to help
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  you through your withdrawal. There's a lot of them so you're
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  going to have to listen to this over and over again, but I will
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  try to go as fast as possible. OK, so one is physical movement
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  and that's the fastest dopamine fix.
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  So exercise, even 10 minutes of dancing, jumping jacks, a brisk
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  walk, cold showers. This triggers a 250% dopamine
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  spike, which lasts for hours, according to a study by Doctor
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  Andrew Huberman. This makes me want to go take a
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  cold shower right now. Yoga or stretching.
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  This releases tension and endorphins.
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  Then we have the novelty and exploration category.
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  So try a new hobby. Pottery, hiking, learning a
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  language, anything with small wins.
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  Go somewhere and you've never been before.
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  A Cafe, a park, even a different grocery store.
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  Go home a different way, listen to new music because novel
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  sounds trigger dopamine. Then we have the social
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  connection without your X category.
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  And under that we have a phone, a friend, kind of like they have
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  on who wants to be a millionaire.
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  So find someone who's safe, who you can text instead of your X.
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  And for my clients, it's usually me and I usually hear from them
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  when they've been triggered by something that they saw or they
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  heard and they want to reach out.
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  So luckily they reach out to me instead most of the time, not
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  all the time. And I talk them down off the
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  ledge, so to speak. Or you could also pet an animal,
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  dogs and cats. They increase oxytocin and
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  dopamine. Next, we have the creative
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  outlets. So write a rage letter and then
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  burn it or delete it. And this is cathartic and
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  releases the emotional charge around the breakup and around
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  your feelings for them. Cook a fancy meal if you're into
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  cooking. I'm not.
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  But hey. So the process of chopping,
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  smelling, tasting is rewarding in itself.
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  Or draw paint or color. Even if you can't don't know
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  what you're doing. Just you don't just do it.
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  Then we have small wins and we start with tiny goals.
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  So instead of 30 days no contact, start with an hour,
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  then a day. Your brain needs proof that you
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  can survive without your ex. And that's why people love the
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  counter on my Silencio app because it shows how many days
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  that they've been in no contact and they feel like they're
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  making progress. I was actually surprised that
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  people said, wow, this counter is so helpful.
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  I'm like, it is. I mean, we knew it was going to
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  be helpful. We didn't know it was going to
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  be that helpful. But that's because I don't have
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  anxious attachment. So then we have video games.
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  So short term wins can help, but don't overdo it and start
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  becoming addicted to video games.
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  We don't want to trade one addiction for another.
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  Or if you are going to trade one addiction for another, make it a
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  good addiction, like working out.
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  Next we have sensory pleasures. No, it's not what you think.
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  There's dark, dark chocolate, there's essential oils and
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  apparently citrus scents like orange boost dopamine.
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  And then we have the weighted blanket that I keep hearing
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  about. And that's because deep pressure
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  calms the nervous system. Under the mindfulness and
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  anticipation category. This is long term dopamine.
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  You can plan a future trip and even if it's imaginary,
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  anticipation is actually 50% of dopamine.
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  There's gratitude journaling and that shifts the focus from lack
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  to abundance. And of course, meditation, which
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  I have talked about endlessly, and that's because it increases
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  your dopamine receptors over time.
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  So keep in mind that you're not depriving yourself of your ex.
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  You're detoxing to make space for better dopamine sources.
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  And you can even dopamine stack. So that means that you combine
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  two or three of these things. So go for a walk, call a friend,
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  and listen to new music. Hey, so this isn't about getting
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  over your ex. It's about proving to your body
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  that you're safe even when your ex is silent.
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  And if you're listening to this, you're already doing the work.
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  People with an anxious attachment style have a great
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  capacity to love, but that love needs to be reciprocated, not
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  negotiated. So stick with no contact and one
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  day you'll realize this silence doesn't scare you anymore and
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  that's when you'll know that you're healing.
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  So now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
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  contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
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  would like my help to be to get your ex back so that I can talk
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  you down off the ledge, then you can contact me regarding
• 11:49
  coaching at the Art of love.net/coaching and we will
• 11:53
  send you the rates. They're not on the website.
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  And if you don't hear back, it's because our e-mail probably
• 12:00
  ended up in your spam folder or you just didn't get it at all,
• 12:04
  especially if you're at Gmail. So then wait 24 hours and reach
• 12:08
  out again, hopefully with another e-mail.
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  If you found this video helpful, please subscribe.
• 12:13
  If you're listening to this as a podcast and you want to help the
• 12:15
  show, then just download the episode.
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  And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.