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Note 57: If You’re Tired of Shrinking, Start Here · Notes to Her

• 0:16
  Hey,
• 0:16
  girl.
• 0:16
  Hey.
• 0:17
  Welcome
• 0:17
  back
• 0:17
  to
• 0:17
  Notes
• 0:18
  to
• 0:18
  her,
• 0:18
  the
• 0:18
  daily
• 0:18
  pep
• 0:19
  talk.
• 0:19
  I'm
• 0:19
  Yaya,
• 0:20
  your
• 0:20
  confidence
• 0:20
  and
• 0:20
  mindset
• 0:21
  coach,
• 0:21
  here
• 0:22
  to
• 0:22
  help
• 0:22
  you
• 0:22
  stop
• 0:22
  shrinking.
• 0:23
  Stop
• 0:23
  second
• 0:24
  guessing
• 0:24
  yourself,
• 0:25
  and
• 0:25
  start
• 0:25
  showing
• 0:26
  up
• 0:26
  like
• 0:26
  the
• 0:26
  woman
• 0:26
  you
• 0:27
  already
• 0:27
  know
• 0:27
  that
• 0:27
  you're
• 0:28
  capable
• 0:28
  of
• 0:28
  being.
• 0:30
  Now,
• 0:30
  let
• 0:30
  me
• 0:30
  ask
• 0:30
  you
• 0:30
  something.
• 0:31
  Have
• 0:32
  you
• 0:32
  ever
• 0:32
  walked
• 0:32
  into
• 0:33
  a
• 0:33
  room
• 0:33
  and
• 0:33
  immediately
• 0:34
  made
• 0:34
  yourself
• 0:35
  smaller?
• 0:36
  You
• 0:36
  lower
• 0:37
  your
• 0:37
  voice.
• 0:38
  You
• 0:38
  hold
• 0:38
  your
• 0:39
  opinion.
• 0:40
  You
• 0:40
  wait
• 0:40
  for
• 0:40
  someone
• 0:41
  else
• 0:41
  to
• 0:41
  speak.
• 0:42
  You
• 0:42
  tell
• 0:43
  yourself,
• 0:43
  let
• 0:43
  me
• 0:44
  just
• 0:44
  read
• 0:44
  the
• 0:44
  room.
• 0:46
  Or
• 0:46
  maybe
• 0:47
  it
• 0:47
  doesn't
• 0:47
  show
• 0:47
  up
• 0:48
  in
• 0:48
  a
• 0:48
  room.
• 0:48
  Maybe
• 0:49
  it
• 0:49
  shows
• 0:49
  up
• 0:49
  online.
• 0:50
  You
• 0:51
  have
• 0:51
  something
• 0:51
  you
• 0:51
  want
• 0:51
  to
• 0:52
  say,
• 0:52
  something
• 0:53
  meaningful,
• 0:53
  something
• 0:54
  that
• 0:54
  might
• 0:54
  help
• 0:54
  someone
• 0:55
  else.
• 0:56
  And
• 0:56
  then
• 0:56
  you
• 0:56
  hover
• 0:56
  over
• 0:57
  the
• 0:57
  post
• 0:57
  button
• 0:57
  and
• 0:58
  you
• 0:58
  don't
• 0:58
  hit
• 0:59
  publish,
• 1:00
  because
• 1:00
  suddenly
• 1:01
  you're
• 1:01
  thinking,
• 1:02
  what
• 1:02
  if
• 1:02
  people
• 1:03
  judge
• 1:03
  it?
• 1:04
  What
• 1:04
  if
• 1:04
  nobody
• 1:05
  engages?
• 1:06
  What
• 1:06
  if
• 1:06
  it's
• 1:07
  not
• 1:07
  good
• 1:07
  enough?
• 1:08
  So
• 1:09
  instead,
• 1:09
  you
• 1:09
  stay
• 1:10
  quiet
• 1:10
  and
• 1:10
  you
• 1:11
  tell
• 1:11
  yourself
• 1:11
  you're
• 1:12
  just
• 1:12
  being
• 1:12
  careful.
• 1:14
  But
• 1:14
  what
• 1:14
  if
• 1:14
  carefulness
• 1:15
  is
• 1:15
  actually
• 1:16
  shrinking?
• 1:28
  Shrinking
• 1:28
  doesn't
• 1:28
  always
• 1:28
  look
• 1:29
  dramatic.
• 1:30
  Most
• 1:30
  of
• 1:30
  the
• 1:30
  time
• 1:30
  it's
• 1:31
  subtle.
• 1:31
  It's
• 1:32
  the
• 1:32
  version
• 1:32
  of
• 1:32
  you
• 1:32
  that
• 1:33
  edits
• 1:33
  herself
• 1:33
  in
• 1:34
  real
• 1:34
  time.
• 1:35
  At
• 1:35
  work,
• 1:35
  it
• 1:36
  might
• 1:36
  look
• 1:36
  like
• 1:36
  you
• 1:37
  haven't
• 1:37
  an
• 1:37
  idea,
• 1:38
  but
• 1:38
  you
• 1:38
  wait
• 1:38
  until
• 1:39
  someone
• 1:39
  else
• 1:39
  says
• 1:39
  something
• 1:40
  similar
• 1:40
  before
• 1:40
  you
• 1:41
  speak.
• 1:41
  You
• 1:42
  rehearse
• 1:42
  what
• 1:42
  you
• 1:42
  want
• 1:42
  to
• 1:42
  say
• 1:43
  in
• 1:43
  your
• 1:43
  head,
• 1:43
  and
• 1:44
  by
• 1:44
  the
• 1:44
  time
• 1:44
  you're
• 1:44
  ready,
• 1:45
  the
• 1:45
  meeting
• 1:45
  has
• 1:46
  already
• 1:46
  moved
• 1:46
  on.
• 1:47
  Or
• 1:47
  someone
• 1:48
  says
• 1:48
  the
• 1:48
  exact
• 1:48
  thing
• 1:49
  that
• 1:49
  you
• 1:49
  were
• 1:49
  thinking
• 1:50
  and
• 1:50
  everyone
• 1:51
  praises
• 1:51
  them
• 1:51
  for
• 1:52
  it.
• 1:52
  And
• 1:52
  you
• 1:53
  sit
• 1:53
  there
• 1:53
  thinking,
• 1:54
  I
• 1:54
  literally
• 1:54
  just
• 1:55
  thought
• 1:55
  that.
• 1:56
  But
• 1:56
  you
• 1:56
  didn't
• 1:56
  say
• 1:56
  it.
• 1:57
  That's
• 1:57
  shrinking.
• 1:59
  In
• 2:00
  relationships,
• 2:01
  shrinking
• 2:01
  looks
• 2:02
  different.
• 2:02
  It
• 2:03
  looks
• 2:03
  like
• 2:03
  staying
• 2:03
  quiet
• 2:04
  about
• 2:04
  what
• 2:04
  you
• 2:05
  need.
• 2:06
  It
• 2:06
  looks
• 2:06
  like
• 2:06
  pretending
• 2:07
  something
• 2:07
  didn't
• 2:07
  bother
• 2:08
  you
• 2:08
  when
• 2:08
  it
• 2:08
  did.
• 2:09
  It
• 2:09
  looks
• 2:09
  like
• 2:09
  being
• 2:10
  the
• 2:10
  low
• 2:10
  maintenance
• 2:11
  one,
• 2:11
  the
• 2:11
  cool
• 2:12
  girl,
• 2:12
  the
• 2:13
  easy
• 2:13
  partner,
• 2:14
  the
• 2:14
  one
• 2:14
  who
• 2:14
  doesn't
• 2:14
  ask
• 2:15
  for
• 2:15
  too
• 2:15
  much.
• 2:16
  But
• 2:16
  inside,
• 2:17
  you
• 2:17
  are
• 2:17
  negotiating
• 2:18
  with
• 2:18
  yourself
• 2:19
  constantly.
• 2:20
  Is
• 2:20
  this
• 2:21
  worth
• 2:21
  bringing
• 2:21
  up?
• 2:22
  Maybe
• 2:22
  I'm
• 2:23
  overreacting.
• 2:24
  I
• 2:24
  don't
• 2:24
  want
• 2:24
  to
• 2:24
  make
• 2:25
  this
• 2:25
  a
• 2:25
  big
• 2:25
  deal.
• 2:26
  So
• 2:26
  you
• 2:26
  swallow
• 2:27
  it
• 2:27
  again.
• 2:29
  That's
• 2:29
  shrinking.
• 2:30
  And
• 2:31
  on
• 2:31
  social
• 2:31
  media,
• 2:32
  oh,
• 2:32
  shrinking
• 2:33
  shows
• 2:33
  up
• 2:33
  there,
• 2:33
  too.
• 2:34
  You
• 2:34
  will
• 2:34
  watch
• 2:35
  other
• 2:35
  women
• 2:36
  share
• 2:36
  their
• 2:36
  thoughts
• 2:37
  confidently.
• 2:38
  You
• 2:38
  watch
• 2:38
  them
• 2:39
  post
• 2:39
  boldly.
• 2:40
  You
• 2:40
  watch
• 2:40
  them
• 2:41
  show
• 2:41
  their
• 2:41
  expertise.
• 2:42
  And
• 2:42
  you
• 2:42
  think,
• 2:43
  I
• 2:43
  could
• 2:44
  say
• 2:44
  something
• 2:44
  like
• 2:44
  that.
• 2:45
  But
• 2:45
  then
• 2:45
  Dell
• 2:46
  starts
• 2:46
  whispering,
• 2:47
  who
• 2:47
  am
• 2:48
  I
• 2:48
  to
• 2:48
  say
• 2:48
  this?
• 2:49
  What
• 2:49
  if
• 2:49
  people
• 2:49
  think
• 2:50
  I'm
• 2:50
  doing
• 2:50
  too
• 2:50
  much?
• 2:51
  What
• 2:51
  if
• 2:51
  it's
• 2:51
  cringe?
• 2:52
  So
• 2:53
  you
• 2:53
  draft
• 2:53
  the
• 2:53
  post,
• 2:54
  you
• 2:54
  edit
• 2:54
  it,
• 2:55
  you
• 2:55
  rewrite
• 2:55
  it,
• 2:56
  and
• 2:56
  then
• 2:56
  you
• 2:57
  close
• 2:57
  the
• 2:57
  app.
• 2:58
  That's
• 2:59
  shrinking.
• 3:00
  Now,
• 3:01
  here's
• 3:01
  the
• 3:01
  part
• 3:01
  that
• 3:02
  I
• 3:02
  want
• 3:02
  you
• 3:02
  to
• 3:02
  understand.
• 3:04
  Shrinking
• 3:04
  is
• 3:05
  not
• 3:05
  a
• 3:05
  personality
• 3:06
  flaw.
• 3:07
  It
• 3:07
  is
• 3:07
  a
• 3:07
  protection
• 3:08
  strategy.
• 3:09
  At
• 3:10
  some
• 3:10
  point
• 3:10
  in
• 3:10
  Your
• 3:10
  life.
• 3:10
  Your
• 3:11
  brain
• 3:11
  learns
• 3:11
  something.
• 3:12
  It
• 3:12
  learned
• 3:12
  that
• 3:13
  visibility
• 3:13
  could
• 3:14
  come
• 3:14
  with
• 3:14
  consequences.
• 3:15
  Maybe
• 3:16
  when
• 3:16
  you
• 3:16
  spoke
• 3:16
  up
• 3:17
  before
• 3:17
  someone
• 3:17
  dismissed
• 3:18
  you,
• 3:18
  maybe
• 3:19
  you
• 3:19
  shared
• 3:19
  your
• 3:19
  opinion
• 3:20
  and
• 3:20
  somebody
• 3:20
  criticized
• 3:21
  you.
• 3:21
  Or
• 3:22
  maybe
• 3:22
  you
• 3:22
  tried
• 3:22
  something
• 3:23
  new
• 3:23
  and
• 3:23
  someone
• 3:24
  laughed.
• 3:25
  Or
• 3:25
  maybe
• 3:25
  no
• 3:26
  one
• 3:26
  laughed,
• 3:26
  but
• 3:26
  the
• 3:27
  possibility
• 3:27
  that
• 3:27
  they
• 3:28
  could
• 3:28
  felt
• 3:28
  terrified.
• 3:29
  So
• 3:30
  your
• 3:30
  brain
• 3:30
  did
• 3:30
  what
• 3:30
  brains
• 3:31
  do.
• 3:31
  It
• 3:31
  created
• 3:32
  a
• 3:33
  stay
• 3:33
  small,
• 3:34
  stay
• 3:34
  safe,
• 3:35
  and
• 3:35
  know.
• 3:35
  Every
• 3:36
  time
• 3:36
  you
• 3:36
  are
• 3:36
  about
• 3:37
  to
• 3:37
  be
• 3:37
  seen,
• 3:38
  your
• 3:38
  nervous
• 3:38
  system
• 3:39
  whispers,
• 3:40
  maybe
• 3:40
  not.
• 3:42
  But
• 3:42
  here's
• 3:43
  the
• 3:43
  problem.
• 3:44
  The
• 3:44
  life
• 3:45
  that
• 3:45
  you
• 3:45
  say
• 3:45
  that
• 3:45
  you
• 3:46
  want,
• 3:46
  the
• 3:47
  career
• 3:47
  you
• 3:47
  say
• 3:48
  you
• 3:48
  want,
• 3:48
  the
• 3:49
  confidence
• 3:49
  you
• 3:50
  say
• 3:50
  you
• 3:50
  want,
• 3:51
  none
• 3:51
  of
• 3:51
  it
• 3:51
  lives
• 3:52
  inside
• 3:52
  of
• 3:52
  shrinking.
• 3:54
  Confidence
• 3:54
  is
• 3:54
  built
• 3:55
  through
• 3:55
  visibility,
• 3:56
  through
• 3:56
  participation,
• 3:57
  through
• 3:58
  expression,
• 3:59
  through
• 3:59
  letting
• 3:59
  yourself
• 4:00
  be
• 4:00
  seen
• 4:00
  before.
• 4:01
  It's
• 4:02
  perfect.
• 4:03
  But
• 4:03
  shrinking
• 4:04
  convinces
• 4:04
  you
• 4:04
  that
• 4:05
  safety
• 4:05
  equals
• 4:06
  success,
• 4:06
  and
• 4:07
  it
• 4:07
  doesn't.
• 4:07
  It
• 4:08
  equals
• 4:08
  stagnation.
• 4:11
  There's
• 4:11
  usually
• 4:11
  a
• 4:12
  moment
• 4:12
  when
• 4:12
  women
• 4:12
  start
• 4:13
  noticing
• 4:13
  this
• 4:13
  pattern.
• 4:14
  It's
• 4:14
  when
• 4:15
  you
• 4:15
  see
• 4:15
  someone
• 4:16
  doing
• 4:16
  something
• 4:16
  that
• 4:16
  you
• 4:17
  know
• 4:17
  that
• 4:17
  you
• 4:17
  are
• 4:17
  capable
• 4:18
  of,
• 4:18
  and
• 4:18
  your
• 4:18
  first
• 4:19
  thought
• 4:19
  is,
• 4:19
  I
• 4:19
  could
• 4:20
  do
• 4:20
  that.
• 4:20
  But
• 4:21
  your
• 4:21
  second
• 4:21
  thought
• 4:21
  is,
• 4:22
  why
• 4:22
  haven't
• 4:23
  I?
• 4:23
  That
• 4:24
  question.
• 4:25
  It
• 4:25
  can
• 4:25
  sting.
• 4:26
  Because
• 4:26
  deep
• 4:26
  down,
• 4:27
  you
• 4:27
  know
• 4:27
  the
• 4:27
  answer.
• 4:28
  You've
• 4:28
  been
• 4:28
  waiting.
• 4:29
  Waiting
• 4:30
  to
• 4:30
  feel
• 4:30
  ready,
• 4:30
  waiting
• 4:31
  to
• 4:31
  feel
• 4:31
  confident,
• 4:32
  waiting
• 4:32
  to
• 4:32
  feel
• 4:32
  sure.
• 4:33
  But
• 4:34
  confidence
• 4:34
  doesn't
• 4:34
  come
• 4:35
  before
• 4:35
  the
• 4:35
  action.
• 4:36
  It
• 4:36
  comes
• 4:36
  because
• 4:37
  of
• 4:37
  it.
• 4:39
  Now,
• 4:39
  let
• 4:39
  me
• 4:40
  ask
• 4:40
  you
• 4:40
  something.
• 4:41
  Where
• 4:41
  in
• 4:42
  your
• 4:42
  life
• 4:42
  have
• 4:42
  you
• 4:42
  been
• 4:43
  shrinking
• 4:43
  lately?
• 4:45
  Is
• 4:45
  it
• 4:45
  at
• 4:45
  work,
• 4:46
  where
• 4:46
  you
• 4:47
  keep
• 4:47
  all
• 4:47
  of
• 4:47
  your
• 4:48
  ideas
• 4:48
  to
• 4:48
  yourself?
• 4:49
  Is
• 4:50
  it
• 4:50
  online,
• 4:51
  where
• 4:51
  you
• 4:51
  watch
• 4:52
  other
• 4:52
  people
• 4:52
  speak
• 4:53
  and
• 4:53
  you
• 4:53
  stay
• 4:54
  silent?
• 4:55
  Is
• 4:55
  it
• 4:56
  in
• 4:56
  your
• 4:56
  relationships,
• 4:57
  where
• 4:57
  you
• 4:57
  keep
• 4:58
  adjusting
• 4:58
  yourself
• 4:59
  so
• 4:59
  everyone
• 4:59
  else
• 5:00
  stays
• 5:00
  comfortable?
• 5:01
  No
• 5:02
  judgment.
• 5:03
  Just
• 5:03
  notice
• 5:03
  it.
• 5:04
  Because
• 5:05
  awareness
• 5:05
  is
• 5:05
  the
• 5:06
  first
• 5:06
  insurrection,
• 5:07
  and
• 5:08
  shrinking
• 5:08
  loses
• 5:09
  its
• 5:09
  power
• 5:09
  the
• 5:10
  moment
• 5:10
  you
• 5:10
  start
• 5:11
  seeing
• 5:11
  it.
• 5:13
  Now,
• 5:14
  here's
• 5:14
  what
• 5:14
  I
• 5:14
  want
• 5:14
  you
• 5:15
  to
• 5:15
  know.
• 5:16
  Stopping
• 5:16
  the
• 5:16
  habit
• 5:17
  of
• 5:17
  shrinking
• 5:17
  doesn't
• 5:18
  mean
• 5:18
  becoming
• 5:19
  loud
• 5:19
  or
• 5:19
  aggressive
• 5:20
  or
• 5:20
  dominating
• 5:21
  every
• 5:21
  room.
• 5:23
  It
• 5:23
  simply
• 5:23
  means
• 5:23
  allowing
• 5:24
  yourself
• 5:24
  to
• 5:25
  fully
• 5:25
  exist
• 5:26
  inside
• 5:26
  spaces
• 5:27
  that
• 5:27
  you
• 5:27
  already
• 5:27
  belong.
• 5:29
  It
• 5:29
  means
• 5:29
  speaking
• 5:30
  up
• 5:30
  when
• 5:30
  you
• 5:30
  have
• 5:30
  something
• 5:30
  to
• 5:31
  say.
• 5:32
  It
• 5:32
  means
• 5:32
  sharing
• 5:33
  your
• 5:33
  ideas
• 5:33
  without
• 5:34
  waiting
• 5:34
  for
• 5:34
  unanimous
• 5:35
  approval.
• 5:37
  It
• 5:37
  means
• 5:37
  letting
• 5:37
  people
• 5:38
  see
• 5:38
  the
• 5:38
  real
• 5:38
  you
• 5:39
  instead
• 5:39
  of
• 5:39
  the
• 5:39
  edited
• 5:40
  version.
• 5:41
  And
• 5:41
  the
• 5:41
  truth
• 5:42
  is,
• 5:42
  some
• 5:43
  people
• 5:43
  will
• 5:43
  be
• 5:43
  uncomfortable
• 5:44
  when
• 5:44
  you
• 5:44
  start
• 5:44
  doing
• 5:45
  that.
• 5:46
  Not
• 5:46
  because
• 5:46
  you
• 5:46
  were
• 5:46
  wrong,
• 5:47
  but
• 5:47
  because
• 5:48
  you're
• 5:48
  different.
• 5:49
  And
• 5:49
  different
• 5:49
  disrupts
• 5:50
  expectations.
• 5:51
  But
• 5:51
  that's
• 5:52
  okay.
• 5:53
  You
• 5:53
  are
• 5:53
  not
• 5:53
  here
• 5:54
  to
• 5:54
  perform
• 5:54
  comfort
• 5:55
  for
• 5:55
  everyone
• 5:55
  else.
• 5:56
  You
• 5:56
  are
• 5:57
  here
• 5:57
  to
• 5:57
  live
• 5:57
  your
• 5:58
  life.
• 6:00
  No,
• 6:00
  shrinking
• 6:01
  convinces
• 6:01
  you
• 6:01
  that
• 6:02
  playing
• 6:02
  small
• 6:02
  protects
• 6:03
  you,
• 6:03
  but
• 6:04
  all
• 6:04
  it
• 6:04
  really
• 6:04
  protects
• 6:05
  you
• 6:05
  from
• 6:05
  is
• 6:05
  your
• 6:06
  own
• 6:06
  potential.
• 6:07
  And
• 6:07
  if
• 6:07
  you
• 6:07
  are
• 6:08
  tired
• 6:08
  of
• 6:08
  feeling
• 6:09
  invisible
• 6:09
  in
• 6:09
  rooms
• 6:10
  where
• 6:10
  you
• 6:10
  belong,
• 6:11
  the
• 6:11
  shift
• 6:11
  starts
• 6:12
  here.
• 6:13
  Not
• 6:13
  with
• 6:14
  dramatic
• 6:14
  reinvention,
• 6:15
  but
• 6:15
  with
• 6:15
  smart,
• 6:16
  small
• 6:16
  moments
• 6:16
  of
• 6:16
  courage.
• 6:18
  Speaking
• 6:18
  when
• 6:18
  you
• 6:19
  want
• 6:19
  to
• 6:19
  stay
• 6:19
  quiet,
• 6:20
  Posting
• 6:21
  when
• 6:21
  you
• 6:21
  want
• 6:21
  to
• 6:21
  stay
• 6:21
  hidden.
• 6:22
  Expressing
• 6:23
  when
• 6:23
  you
• 6:23
  want
• 6:24
  to
• 6:24
  stay
• 6:24
  agreeable.
• 6:25
  Those
• 6:26
  small
• 6:26
  moves,
• 6:27
  they
• 6:28
  build
• 6:28
  the
• 6:28
  woman
• 6:29
  that
• 6:29
  you're
• 6:29
  becoming
• 6:32
  now.
• 6:32
  This
• 6:32
  note
• 6:33
  made
• 6:33
  you
• 6:33
  realize
• 6:34
  how
• 6:34
  often
• 6:34
  you've
• 6:35
  been
• 6:35
  drinking.
• 6:36
  Good
• 6:37
  awareness
• 6:38
  changes
• 6:39
  everything.
• 6:40
  Save
• 6:41
  this
• 6:41
  episode
• 6:41
  for
• 6:41
  the
• 6:42
  next
• 6:42
  time.
• 6:42
  Fear
• 6:43
  tells
• 6:43
  you
• 6:43
  to
• 6:43
  stay
• 6:43
  quiet
• 6:44
  and
• 6:44
  make
• 6:45
  sure
• 6:45
  you're
• 6:45
  subscribed.
• 6:46
  Because
• 6:46
  of
• 6:46
  the
• 6:46
  next
• 6:46
  note,
• 6:47
  we're
• 6:47
  going
• 6:47
  to
• 6:47
  be
• 6:47
  talking
• 6:47
  about
• 6:47
  something
• 6:48
  that
• 6:48
  keeps
• 6:48
  a
• 6:48
  lot
• 6:49
  of
• 6:49
  women
• 6:50
  stuck
• 6:50
  in
• 6:50
  hiding.
• 6:52
  Perfection.
• 6:53
  Until
• 6:54
  then,
• 6:55
  Speak.
• 6:56
  Move.
• 6:58
  Show
• 6:58
  up.
• 6:59
  You
• 7:00
  do
• 7:00
  not
• 7:00
  need
• 7:00
  to
• 7:01
  shrink
• 7:01
  to
• 7:01
  the
• 7:01
  law
• 7:02
  with
• 7:03
  love.
• 7:11
  Sa.