Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 255. Infertility, Emotionally drained and hope for more: What do I do next?

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255. Infertility, Emotionally drained and hope for more: What do I do next? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoche production I Easier Advice? Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: All right, Welcome back to another episode on our bestI
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Advice segment. This is one of our favorite segments.
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: Reason being is.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Because we get to hear your real life stories and
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: things that you are struggling with or things that you
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: feel challenged by, and we are here to give you
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: our most unsolicited bestie advice. Right, So, Ashley, what have
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: we got for today?
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  Speaker 1: Okay?
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: So the title is infertility Emotionally Drained and Hope for More?
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: What do I do next?
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  Speaker 1: Alright?
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  Speaker 3: It's just a reminder these are all anonymous. We have
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: no idea who has written this in. Hey girls, a
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: very personal question. I guess I've been suffering from secondary infertility.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: It's very draining and very emotional for the last two years.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: So my question is if you woke up one day
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  Speaker 3: and you couldn't have kids, would you adopt a child
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  Speaker 3: or a baby or foster a child. I'm going through
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  Speaker 3: a really hard time at the moment, and it's horrible.
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  Speaker 3: You get taught about not getting pregnant for so long.
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  Speaker 3: Then you have one baby and you try for a second,
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  Speaker 3: but it's taking too long. It needs to be spoken
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  Speaker 3: about more. Oh it's really really tough. I believe this
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  Speaker 3: is not spoken about enough, because when you have one child,
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  Speaker 3: if you were to complain or talk about wanting a
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  Speaker 3: second child and not being able to have one, people like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: you should be so grateful you've got one.
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  Speaker 1: And I know this because I went through it. So
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  Speaker 1: with Taje, we.
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  Speaker 3: Felt pregnant first go, no problems, no issues, super easy,
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  Speaker 3: and the matala it took eleven months. So I remember
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: feeling all of this, and I remember wasn't a super
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  Speaker 3: close friend, but I do remember someone saying to me like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: you should just be so grateful that you've got one.
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  Speaker 3: And then I felt guilt because I was like, well,
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  Speaker 3: I am grateful, but I still want another one. Both
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  Speaker 3: can coexist, right.
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  Speaker 1: I was super.
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  Speaker 3: Grateful I had Tarj, but I still had this longing
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  Speaker 3: and this part in my heart.
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  Speaker 1: That knew I wanted another baby.
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  Speaker 3: And every month that you get a negative pregnancy test,
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: and every month you get your period, it's so disheartening.
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  Speaker 3: So I don't feel like it is spoken about enough.
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  Speaker 3: But your question personally, if I could not have any children,
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  Speaker 3: I would definitely look into adoption or fostering a child.
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  Speaker 3: One hundred percent I would. I'd always knew I wanted
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  Speaker 3: to be a mother, and it's just everyone's so different.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think it's something we can.
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  Speaker 1: Tell you what is right or wrong.
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  Speaker 3: If you're feeling that longing for more children and more
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  Speaker 3: love and a bigger family, there is options you can
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  Speaker 3: look into. And also have you gone and got your
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: eggs tested? Have you got his sperm tests? Like how
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: long have you been trying for? Because doctors say, even
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: fertility specialists, six to twelve months is considered a normal
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: amount of time to fall pregnant. Oh wow, after twelve months,
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  Speaker 3: if you're not falling pregnant, that's when they can do
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  Speaker 3: more extensive testing. So I think we get caught up
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  Speaker 3: thinking it should just happen straight away, but it's actually
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  Speaker 3: such a small window that you can fall pregnant. So
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  Speaker 3: like when your ovulation, you've got five days. That's five
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  Speaker 3: days yeah, for that egg to get in there and
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  Speaker 3: for it to do its thing. And it's just not
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  Speaker 3: as simple as what they made out in high school.
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  Speaker 3: You have sex and you get pregnant. It doesn't work
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  Speaker 3: like that.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I've never personally been in this position before,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: But the first thing that came to my head was
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  Speaker 2: potentially looking into like surrogacy as well.
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  Speaker 1: In Australia, isn't it No oh wow?
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  Speaker 3: When I last spoke about this with someone, Now it's
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  Speaker 3: not in America. It's quite easy to do, but not
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  Speaker 3: here in Australia.
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  Speaker 2: I guess I hear stories and things like that all
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  Speaker 2: over from America.
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  Speaker 1: That's probably why.
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  Speaker 2: But again I've never looked into it, but I definitely
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  Speaker 2: think that there are options and as well, like if
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  Speaker 2: you want to be a parent, it doesn't matter how
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  Speaker 2: it looks like. You want to be a parent, And
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  Speaker 2: I don't think that desire is necessarily going to go away.
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  Speaker 2: And there's no right or wrong way either, Like don't
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  Speaker 2: attach negative meaning because I know that there's some question
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  Speaker 2: here of like oh, would you foster or would you adopt?
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  Speaker 2: Like are you seeing that as a negative thing? Like
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  Speaker 2: what makes that wrong? I think it's a beautiful thing
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  Speaker 2: if it allows you to become a parent and to
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  Speaker 2: also give love to a child that also deserves to
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  Speaker 2: have that loves that is your child regardless, and I
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  Speaker 2: think that's a beautiful thing. So I think there's nothing
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  Speaker 2: that we can say that's gonna either encourage you or
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  Speaker 2: make you shy away from the decision. It has to
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  Speaker 2: be something that you genuinely want, and also just tapping
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  Speaker 2: into whether that's even a route you want to go down,
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  Speaker 2: or if it's something that doesn't feel right for you,
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  Speaker 2: Like only you will know what that looks like.
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  Speaker 3: Definitely, maybe I would jump into some forums too of
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  Speaker 3: women who have maybe gone overseas, because I know a
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  Speaker 3: gay couple that went overseas to find a surrogate, so
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  Speaker 3: like there is options for you, And also jump into
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  Speaker 3: forums that women have adopted or fostered a child and
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  Speaker 3: either experiences. Here is what was really hard about it,
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  Speaker 3: what was really challenging, what was really beautiful about it?
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  Speaker 3: Like what was the process? Because I know, to even
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  Speaker 3: foster a child or adopt doesn't happen overnight. It's like
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  Speaker 3: a three to six year process, so you can actually
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  Speaker 3: have a child on your home. It's quite an extensive process,
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  Speaker 3: and so.
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  Speaker 1: It should be. So it should be, so it should
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  Speaker 1: be so if.
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  Speaker 3: You're considering that, like I would definitely talk to people
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  Speaker 3: who have done it, and also your partner and what
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: their thoughts are on the situation as well. I came
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  Speaker 3: to the realization when I had charged to that I
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  Speaker 3: had to accept that maybe I wasn't going to have
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  Speaker 3: another baby, and I did try to lean on gratitude more,
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  Speaker 3: even though I still had this longing for another one.
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  Speaker 3: I was so grateful and I just tried to lean on
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  Speaker 3: that more because I did think about the women that
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  Speaker 3: don't have any children like I have one, healthy, beautiful
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  Speaker 3: baby boy, and I am so so grateful.
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  Speaker 1: So I tried to lean on that more to help
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  Speaker 1: get me through and it did.
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  Speaker 3: It was still hard, but the more I lean on that,
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  Speaker 3: I felt better about the situation that if I wasn't
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  Speaker 3: to have another baby, I'm so lucky that I got
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  Speaker 3: to experience this one.
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  Speaker 1: It's a beautiful perspective, it is.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's easier than done when you're in the thick
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  Speaker 3: of it, of course.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So oh it's a tough one and I feel for
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  Speaker 3: you and it's not spoken about enough. Bus sending you
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  Speaker 3: so much love and there is lots of options that
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  Speaker 3: you can explore with you and your partner, and you know,
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  Speaker 3: all in divine timing too. I remember when I got
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  Speaker 3: to that eleventh month. I just remember having the biggest breakdown,
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  Speaker 3: and then when I found out as pregnant.
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  Speaker 1: Now I have taalah.
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  Speaker 3: I said this before on the podcast, but if you
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  Speaker 3: haven't heard it, I'm just like, oh my gosh, thank
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  Speaker 3: goodness it took eleven months, because if it was six months,
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  Speaker 3: it wouldn't be her. It would have been a different child,
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  Speaker 3: and that would have been just as beautiful, I'm sure,
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  Speaker 3: but I'm so grateful for her, like her personality, which
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  Speaker 3: she looks like, who she is like, she's just a
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  Speaker 3: little ball of fun. I just wouldn't want to change
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  Speaker 3: anything about her. So divine timing. She was meant to
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  Speaker 3: come along at that time, and I was meant to
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  Speaker 3: wait for whatever reason, maybe I wasn't quite ready or
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  Speaker 3: whatever the universe had planned for me. And I really
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  Speaker 3: try and lean into the divine timing of everything, and
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  Speaker 3: everything happens at the right time for the right reason.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I love that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I honestly think just like, have lots of conversations
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  Speaker 2: around it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, bring it in, talk about it, explore it.
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  Speaker 2: The more curious you get on the situation, the more
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  Speaker 2: clarity you'll get on what you actually want to do,
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  Speaker 2: and there is no right or wrong, only what is
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  Speaker 2: right for you and what you want, and you get
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  Speaker 2: to decide what that looks like and whatever direction you're
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  Speaker 2: go in. I know it will be beautiful and how
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  Speaker 2: fun that you get to explore and that there actually
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  Speaker 2: are other options.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you so much love.
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  Speaker 2: Also, I know that that doesn't make it easier for
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  Speaker 2: the infertility. Yeah, I know that you have your own
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  Speaker 2: process and your own grieving process around that as well.
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  Speaker 2: And also it's like one of those things. And again
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  Speaker 2: I can say this with a grain of salt, take
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  Speaker 2: it with a grain of salt. Is that you can
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  Speaker 2: grieve your process and there can also be other options
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  Speaker 2: that you look towards, and if that's your way through
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  Speaker 2: becoming a mum, allow it in.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and don't shame yourself for feeling sad about it
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  Speaker 3: or disappointed, because that's when I think we suffer in silence.
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  Speaker 3: Even you said that this wasn't spoken about enough, and
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  Speaker 3: it's not. And I remember feeling bad talking about it
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  Speaker 3: because I got a lot of backlash online. You have
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: a child, so imagine those it can't have a child.
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  Speaker 3: We've been trying for three years, like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 3: I wish I'd been trying for eleven years, and there's
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  Speaker 3: so much comparison that it made me feel like my
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  Speaker 3: feelings weren't valid. So I just want you to know
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  Speaker 3: your feelings are very, very valid. Even if you're just
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  Speaker 3: six months and then you're feeling frustrated, that's still valid.
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  Speaker 3: Your experience is your experience. No one can take that
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  Speaker 3: away from you. That is how you feel, so don't
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  Speaker 3: shame yourself, talk about it, look at the options, be
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  Speaker 3: kind to yourself in the process, and enjoy the little
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  Speaker 3: one that.
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  Speaker 1: You already have. All of it.
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  Speaker 3: Good luck, lovely, thanks for joining us. We'll see you
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  Speaker 3: in the next episode.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Bye.