Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 474. My Partner Trauma Dumps And I Don't Know If I Can Stay, I Feel Like a Fraud at Work, and I Freeze in Conflict - Head Noise

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474. My Partner Trauma Dumps And I Don't Know If I Can Stay, I Feel Like a Fraud at Work, and I Freeze in Conflict - Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:09
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:13
Speaker 1: This is a Head Noise episode, little life update. I
0:17
Speaker 1: am going to give you a life update. I normally
0:19
Speaker 1: don't on a Head Noise episode, but today I will.
0:23
Speaker 1: And the life update is that it is Wednesday. I'm
0:26
Speaker 1: I don't even know if it's worth apologizing because you
0:29
Speaker 1: fucking have heard it from me before, And what is
0:32
Speaker 1: the point of an apology if it's like you've done
0:34
Speaker 1: this a thousand times, Like I'm literally not practicing what
0:37
Speaker 1: I preach here. But I do apologize for the not
0:39
Speaker 1: being a Monday episode come out. It was like we
0:42
Speaker 1: were at the crux, at the fucking finish line of
0:45
Speaker 1: the book and all weekend. When I tell you I
0:48
Speaker 1: wrote eight thousand words on Sunday, I'm telling you I
0:51
Speaker 1: wrote fucking eight thousand words on Sunday and it was
0:54
Speaker 1: a feat and it was a feat and I feel
0:59
Speaker 1: like a new woman for it. But having said that,
1:02
Speaker 1: that is the reason why I didn't do a Monday episode.
1:04
Speaker 1: And if you guys know me, I'm all about organization,
1:07
Speaker 1: but I'm not organized. So I need podcasts like mine,
1:11
Speaker 1: and I need to do the kind of research that
1:12
Speaker 1: I do to make me as organized as possible. And
1:16
Speaker 1: my biggest goal. It was my goal last year. It's
1:18
Speaker 1: the same fucking goal this year, and it is to
1:20
Speaker 1: become more organized. Have I become more organized? Yes? Have
1:24
Speaker 1: I become as organized as I'd like to become? Not yet?
1:28
Speaker 1: And I do think that we're getting there. And I
1:30
Speaker 1: think a huge reason why is because I talk about
1:33
Speaker 1: how unorganized I am, and a language plays a big role.
1:36
Speaker 1: I'm a big and in this book that I wrote,
1:37
Speaker 1: I talk a lot about the identity and what you
1:39
Speaker 1: identify with. I'm not a morning person, then it makes
1:42
Speaker 1: it hard to be a morning person. So I'm the
1:43
Speaker 1: first person to admit that I have to change my
1:45
Speaker 1: language around that if I truly want to become an
1:48
Speaker 1: organized person. Having said that, this lack of organization in
1:51
Speaker 1: the past, which will change us off today, led me
1:54
Speaker 1: to not have episodes banked. Therefore the Monday episode didn't
1:57
Speaker 1: come out. But Huge Wins submitted this book fifty five
2:00
Speaker 1: thousand words, submitted it, and now I've got a few weeks,
2:03
Speaker 1: maybe a month, I don't know, Anthea I publish. I
2:06
Speaker 1: love you so much. If you're listening, love you so much.
2:08
Speaker 1: But let's hope she takes a little bit longer than
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Speaker 1: a few weeks to get through the first manuscript and
2:13
Speaker 1: then we can workshop it and tweak it and make
2:16
Speaker 1: it as good as possible before you guys get to
2:18
Speaker 1: read it. A. Okay, that is the life update. What
2:21
Speaker 1: else that's kind of it? Now, I'm like, weirdly really
2:24
Speaker 1: excited that, like the book is handed in, the live
2:26
Speaker 1: show's done, the brunch is done, all these like major
2:28
Speaker 1: big milestone things are done, and now that I'm getting
2:31
Speaker 1: into a really good rhythm with the twins, I can't
2:33
Speaker 1: wait to get into Just sounds weird that I'm getting
2:36
Speaker 1: excited about it, but just like the niceness of the
2:40
Speaker 1: just daily routine, call it mondaye call it nice, whatever,
2:45
Speaker 1: but I can't wait to just get into knowing what's
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Speaker 1: on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and like structuring my week.
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Speaker 1: My cousin is over right now. She's also got a podcast.
2:52
Speaker 1: It's called The Pooch. It's about motherhood and identity and
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Speaker 1: all of that. So if you're interested, go check it out.
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Speaker 1: But she's over, and today we're kind of like sitting
3:00
Speaker 1: together planning like structures for our weeks and how things
3:03
Speaker 1: are going to go, so I'm feeling very, very motivated
3:05
Speaker 1: about that. Anyway, Having said that, this is a head
3:08
Speaker 1: Noise episode, so we're not here to fuck around. I
3:09
Speaker 1: fucked around for the last two minutes. Let's get straight
3:12
Speaker 1: into the first question. This is an email head Noise
3:14
Speaker 1: by the way, so if you're interested, send in the
3:16
Speaker 1: emails if you want to hear your voice be broadcast
3:19
Speaker 1: literally to the world. When I say the world, I
3:21
Speaker 1: mean we have listeners in all corners of the globe. Okay, Spain,
3:25
Speaker 1: my motherland, fucking Sweden, love you guys so much. We've
3:28
Speaker 1: got Ireland, We've got Uruguay. Okay, We've got listeners everywhere.
3:32
Speaker 1: And Uruguay is also another mother land of mine. Anyway,
3:36
Speaker 1: So if you want your voice broadcast to the world,
3:38
Speaker 1: submit your voice message through the website. Anyway, Let's go, Hi,
3:43
Speaker 1: Alexis love your pod. Thank you. I've been listening a
3:46
Speaker 1: couple of years now and hoping that you can help
3:47
Speaker 1: me with something that I've been struggling with. I seem
3:50
Speaker 1: to have developed a negative self talk, which I think
3:52
Speaker 1: is getting in the way of me becoming my best self.
3:54
Speaker 1: I had a really toxic job due to a terrible
3:58
Speaker 1: boss for over a year last year, which eroded in
4:00
Speaker 1: my self esteem on my ability. I finally left and
4:03
Speaker 1: got something new recently, so a new job. Thank goodness.
4:07
Speaker 1: It's only been one day in the new role and
4:10
Speaker 1: they show what everyone is paid on the ORG chart
4:13
Speaker 1: and I've come in as a newbie as one of
4:15
Speaker 1: the top earners. Great. Hectic that they show everyone what
4:18
Speaker 1: everyone gets paid. But love that you're one of the
4:20
Speaker 1: top earners. Love this for you only. I now feel
4:23
Speaker 1: this immense pressure to perform and worried I don't deserve it.
4:26
Speaker 1: A lot of the team have been there years and
4:29
Speaker 1: know a lot more than me, and I'm doubting my ability,
4:31
Speaker 1: probably some lingering trauma. I use this word lightly, by
4:34
Speaker 1: the way, from my previous job about my ability to
4:37
Speaker 1: add Growing up, my parents didn't encourage me to do
4:39
Speaker 1: things and slash all that I could be anything I
4:42
Speaker 1: put my mind an effort to. So this fixed mindset,
4:45
Speaker 1: real kind of mentality that I talk about. I taught
4:49
Speaker 1: myself some growth mindset in my twenties. I just wish
4:51
Speaker 1: I could switch my negative self talk to positive. I
4:53
Speaker 1: used to be optimistic, and now I see myself constantly
4:56
Speaker 1: thinking about everything that will go wrong instead of everything
4:59
Speaker 1: that will go right. Can you help? Yes, I can help. Okay.
5:03
Speaker 1: The first thing is that I love that you acknowledge
5:05
Speaker 1: this difference between growth mindset and fixed mindset for those
5:08
Speaker 1: of you that don't know what that is. On Gervie
5:10
Speaker 1: Very Quick Overview, but also type in growth or fixed
5:14
Speaker 1: in the podcast search. When you look at my podcast
5:16
Speaker 1: and I have an entire episode on growth mindset versus
5:19
Speaker 1: fixed mindset and the whole studies around it, it's really fascinating. Basically,
5:22
Speaker 1: growth mindset is where you put more energy into the effort,
5:27
Speaker 1: especially with children, where you encourage effort and hard work
5:30
Speaker 1: over results, and because of that, you pride yourself on
5:34
Speaker 1: effort instead of winning, and therefore you're willing to put
5:36
Speaker 1: in the effort even if you don't know for sure
5:38
Speaker 1: if you're going to win. Fixed mindset are people that
5:41
Speaker 1: are more praised for winning and only winning. People that
5:43
Speaker 1: are praised for winning and only winning think that their
5:45
Speaker 1: identity and their value lizing winning, and therefore you would
5:49
Speaker 1: think that they would push themselves to win. But instead
5:51
Speaker 1: the outcome is that they will pull back from things
5:55
Speaker 1: that they're not sure they're going to win, so they
5:57
Speaker 1: could be quite bright, but they will look at a
5:59
Speaker 1: sitchues and be like, I don't know for a fact
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Speaker 1: that I'm going to win. This is actually a lot harder.
6:03
Speaker 1: So instead of trying and potentially failing, which is what
6:06
Speaker 1: I pin my identity to, which is winning, I'm not
6:08
Speaker 1: going to try it all. And they get really anxious
6:10
Speaker 1: with trying certain things because they think that their value,
6:14
Speaker 1: because that's how they've invalidated, comes from winning. So growth
6:18
Speaker 1: mindset is all the energy and effort goes into your
6:22
Speaker 1: attempt at something and how hard working you are, and
6:24
Speaker 1: therefore people are going to Studies show that people that
6:27
Speaker 1: are more growth mindset spend a lot more time trying
6:30
Speaker 1: and working through something and problem solving than people with
6:33
Speaker 1: a fixed mindset because they don't fear failing or losing
6:37
Speaker 1: because their identity is entire to the ultimate outcome. Okay,
6:40
Speaker 1: so that's what we're kind of talking about, and I
6:41
Speaker 1: love that you brought that up because I think it's
6:43
Speaker 1: really relevant to this. Okay, can you change it? Yes, absolutely,
6:49
Speaker 1: you can change it. So what I would suggest that
6:51
Speaker 1: you do is you always every time we have an emotional,
6:55
Speaker 1: kind of visceral reaction to something, we need to bring
6:59
Speaker 1: in logical reasoning to kind of counterbalance that emotional reaction
7:04
Speaker 1: we've had, so you'll have something good happen. Oh, you're
7:07
Speaker 1: the highest earner, one of the highest earners, and then
7:09
Speaker 1: your immediate reaction is like, oh my god, I'm a
7:12
Speaker 1: bit of an impost I don't know if that's right.
7:14
Speaker 1: Should I be earning this much? And other people who
7:15
Speaker 1: have been here longer. Doesn't matter how long other people
7:18
Speaker 1: have been there for, it doesn't matter how much they know.
7:21
Speaker 1: I'm sure I don't know what the job is, but
7:23
Speaker 1: I'm sure that you were paid on your merit. Obviously,
7:26
Speaker 1: when you applied for this job, you were given an
7:29
Speaker 1: opportunity to show what your level of expertise is, what
7:32
Speaker 1: you've done in the past, and so you are paid
7:34
Speaker 1: according to the results that you have provided in the
7:38
Speaker 1: past and your level of knowledge in the field that
7:41
Speaker 1: you're in. The person that hired you and is paying
7:44
Speaker 1: you is I would imagine they're not someone who has
7:47
Speaker 1: no fucking idea. They know what they're looking for in
7:49
Speaker 1: the role, and they've hired accordingly. You fit the brief.
7:52
Speaker 1: So while you might not have been there for long enough,
7:54
Speaker 1: and while you're thinking Oh my god, but these people
7:56
Speaker 1: know more and this and that whatever. The person that
7:58
Speaker 1: hired you hired you for a reason. Number one, they're
8:00
Speaker 1: not hiring you because you need to produce results today.
8:03
Speaker 1: They're hiring you because you have a good track record.
8:05
Speaker 1: They're also probably quite away, if they're semi normal in
8:08
Speaker 1: the head, that it's going to take a little bit
8:10
Speaker 1: of time to really get to know your new job
8:13
Speaker 1: and to really be all cylinders firing like you would
8:17
Speaker 1: have in other roles in the past. Okay, So as
8:19
Speaker 1: far as should you have gotten the job and is
8:21
Speaker 1: this and whatever? I wouldn't question that, okay, because I'm
8:24
Speaker 1: sure that you didn't lie. The only time I'd be
8:26
Speaker 1: panicking is if you lied on your resume, And then
8:29
Speaker 1: absolutely you should fucking panic because if you don't have
8:31
Speaker 1: the skills that's required for the job, big problem. Okay,
8:34
Speaker 1: but I doubt that that's what you're doing. So let's
8:38
Speaker 1: talk about how you can start rewriting your negative self
8:41
Speaker 1: talk into more optimistic positive self talk. You've probably heard
8:44
Speaker 1: me say it, but I'm going to apply it to
8:45
Speaker 1: what it is that you're doing. We need the latter effect. Okay,
8:48
Speaker 1: you haven't heard me say it, Welcome to my talk.
8:52
Speaker 1: This is where we talk about realistic self talk that
8:56
Speaker 1: feels good and empowering, but real that I can take
8:59
Speaker 1: on board and it actually makes sense and it actually
9:01
Speaker 1: talks me off the ledge in the moment, versus something
9:04
Speaker 1: that feels so outrageous that it doesn't feel believable that
9:07
Speaker 1: it's actually not helpful. So, for example, say you're in
9:10
Speaker 1: poverty and someone says you need to start looking in
9:13
Speaker 1: the mirror every morning and saying I'm a millionaire. I'm
9:16
Speaker 1: a millionaire. You're gonna be like, can't fuck off? Fuck off,
9:19
Speaker 1: I can't pay my bills, I don't even have electricity.
9:21
Speaker 1: That's not gonna work, right. It's not realistic. And it's
9:24
Speaker 1: not to say that I don't think affirmations work. I
9:25
Speaker 1: actually think affirmations are phenomenal, but you've got to learn
9:28
Speaker 1: how to use them properly. The point, the reason why
9:30
Speaker 1: affirmations work and why positive self talk works when it does,
9:34
Speaker 1: is because it is believable to you. So if you
9:36
Speaker 1: are in poverty and it's believable to you that you're
9:38
Speaker 1: a millionaire, say that affirmation. But most people don't feel
9:41
Speaker 1: that way. So what can you start saying about yourself
9:44
Speaker 1: that feels believable. And once you start saying that thing,
9:47
Speaker 1: you say it long enough, you feels believable. You start
9:49
Speaker 1: like leveling up, and then you got the next step.
9:52
Speaker 1: This next statement sounds believable. Okay, So but step one
9:55
Speaker 1: before any of that, you need to name it entertainment.
9:58
Speaker 1: Step one, name it to take. When you name it toer,
10:01
Speaker 1: tame it, you bring you snap out of this emotional,
10:04
Speaker 1: catastrophic spiraling side of your brain and your mind, and
10:09
Speaker 1: you bring some logic into it, because by naming it,
10:12
Speaker 1: you're bringing in the reasoning, the prefrontal cortex part of
10:15
Speaker 1: the brain that has like you know, the executive function,
10:17
Speaker 1: you know, logical planning, reasoning, all of that, and it's
10:20
Speaker 1: kind of connecting a lot stronger with the emotional pathways
10:24
Speaker 1: of the brain, so that like you kind of start
10:26
Speaker 1: to talk yourself down off that ledge. So the first
10:29
Speaker 1: thing you're going to say is and you can do
10:31
Speaker 1: this in private, and you don't have to say it
10:32
Speaker 1: out loud in the office in front of all your
10:33
Speaker 1: colleagues because they're going to think you're tapped in the head.
10:35
Speaker 1: But just say I feel anxious because I'm feeling a
10:38
Speaker 1: little bit of imposter syndrome. Right now, I'm feeling that
10:42
Speaker 1: the lightly phrased trauma that I experienced in my last
10:46
Speaker 1: job is now coming to haunt me in this new job.
10:49
Speaker 1: Right I don't feel good enough. That is what you're feeling.
10:52
Speaker 1: You need to name it. When you name it, it
10:55
Speaker 1: stops growing under the surface, it stops brewing. You're actually
10:58
Speaker 1: able to look at it, shine the light. Not it
11:00
Speaker 1: stops growing and you can now address it. So it's
11:02
Speaker 1: important that you do this. I'm feeling not good enough.
11:05
Speaker 1: I don't feel adequate for the role that I've been given. Okay, cool,
11:08
Speaker 1: Now we bring logic reasoning into it. What's the first,
11:11
Speaker 1: the next feeling thought that I can say to myself
11:14
Speaker 1: that's going to make me feel a little bit more
11:15
Speaker 1: capable saying while I was hired on my merit, I
11:18
Speaker 1: might feel a little bit green in this role, but
11:21
Speaker 1: I was hired on my merit. So then you start justifying, well,
11:24
Speaker 1: of course it's normal to feel a little bit inadequate
11:27
Speaker 1: because it's a new role. I also don't expect you
11:29
Speaker 1: to be like you've got to be one hundred percent
11:31
Speaker 1: confident in it like you might be, and that would
11:32
Speaker 1: be great, but most people don't. And that's normal, Okay,
11:35
Speaker 1: So don't think that it's abnormal for you to not
11:37
Speaker 1: feel confident in the role, your brand new in this job.
11:40
Speaker 1: That's fucking normal, no matter how experienced you are. So say,
11:42
Speaker 1: I feel green, So it's triggering me to feel a
11:45
Speaker 1: certain way, but I was hired on my merit and
11:46
Speaker 1: I can stand by that good. Now, once this starts
11:49
Speaker 1: feeling good, the next thing you say you're going to
11:51
Speaker 1: say is I know I'm a hard worker and I've
11:53
Speaker 1: produced results in the past that if I apply the
11:55
Speaker 1: same work to now, I can produce the same Okay,
11:58
Speaker 1: that feels really good. Then what's the what's the next
12:00
Speaker 1: thought after that? And you just keep going and going
12:02
Speaker 1: and going and going until you are at that point
12:04
Speaker 1: where you're like, I'm fucking I own my keep here.
12:06
Speaker 1: I deserve every dollar I fucking make because I'm a
12:09
Speaker 1: hard worker and I've earned it, and I'm good and
12:11
Speaker 1: I ask for feedback and I'm good at taking feedback,
12:14
Speaker 1: and I'm good at approaching my boss even when they
12:16
Speaker 1: haven't given me any negative feedback and say anything you
12:18
Speaker 1: want to add, is there something you want to tell me,
12:21
Speaker 1: Like is there something that I could sharpen my skills in?
12:24
Speaker 1: What else could I be doing? Like you can, I
12:25
Speaker 1: have the opportunity to grow. I feel confident that I
12:28
Speaker 1: don't take criticism as a bad thing. I look at
12:30
Speaker 1: it as an opportunity for growth. And you just keep
12:32
Speaker 1: going and going and going and going, and that's where
12:34
Speaker 1: you will get to. But right now, name it detainment.
12:37
Speaker 1: What's the next believable statement that feels a little bit
12:40
Speaker 1: more empowering than this position that I'm in right now.
12:43
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped, and hopefully that can be applied to
12:45
Speaker 1: many other people in their situation, because I think it's
12:48
Speaker 1: a very shared experience with just the public in general,
12:52
Speaker 1: but also within my audience too. Okay, sense next one,
13:02
Speaker 1: This one is called trauma on trauma Relationships trauma. Hi, Alexis. First,
13:08
Speaker 1: I love your podcast and the advice you give. I
13:10
Speaker 1: don't usually ask for it to ask from people, but
13:12
Speaker 1: I totally trust you. Dunkashan anyway, my name, well I'm
13:16
Speaker 1: not gonna say your name, but my name is and
13:18
Speaker 1: I have a girlfriend. We've been together for about fourteen months.
13:20
Speaker 1: We met when I was ending my marriage and she
13:22
Speaker 1: was trying to get out of an abusive relationship. We
13:25
Speaker 1: truly have so much in common in terms of the
13:27
Speaker 1: things we enjoy doing with our free time, our beliefs
13:30
Speaker 1: in all of the big important things, and our plans
13:32
Speaker 1: for the future. She has had a really shit life,
13:36
Speaker 1: like some of the worst things you could think of.
13:38
Speaker 1: She's been through like some of the worst things you
13:40
Speaker 1: could think of. She has been through, so of course
13:43
Speaker 1: she has a ton of trauma and mental health issues
13:45
Speaker 1: from it. At first, I had no problem being there
13:47
Speaker 1: for her. But as I've grown over the past year
13:50
Speaker 1: and confronted a lot of my own stuff that has
13:52
Speaker 1: come to the surface because of this relationship, I'm feeling
13:55
Speaker 1: more and more overwhelmed by it all and like I'm
13:58
Speaker 1: not the person that she needs. I have my own
14:00
Speaker 1: shit too, because but because of her bigger issues, I
14:03
Speaker 1: feel very lonely, because her stuff takes priority over mine.
14:07
Speaker 1: She says she wants me to confide in her still,
14:09
Speaker 1: regardless of what she's going through, but when I do,
14:11
Speaker 1: I feel like it doesn't get the time and a
14:13
Speaker 1: contention that I give her. Plus, as bad as it sounds,
14:16
Speaker 1: every day there is something we can't have. One day
14:19
Speaker 1: where we are just enjoying life. We live in America,
14:22
Speaker 1: so she hasn't had insurance for a long time, which
14:25
Speaker 1: means it's been really hard for her to be to
14:27
Speaker 1: have consistent therapy. She has a fear of medicine too,
14:31
Speaker 1: so she struggles to stay on meds. It's just really complicated.
14:35
Speaker 1: I don't want this to be my life forever, period.
14:38
Speaker 1: I can't live like this long term. But I love
14:40
Speaker 1: her so much and I want her to be better,
14:42
Speaker 1: and I sympathize so hard with her because all of
14:44
Speaker 1: the horrendous shit she's been through and still has to
14:48
Speaker 1: deal with currently. I also just want to live a
14:51
Speaker 1: happy life with a partner who could be there for
14:53
Speaker 1: me as much as I can be there for them.
14:54
Speaker 1: Do you know I don't know what to do. Please help? Okay.
14:57
Speaker 1: So when it comes to existential questions and crisis moments
15:03
Speaker 1: in relationships, it's very hard for me to tell you
15:06
Speaker 1: exactly should you stay or should you go? But what
15:09
Speaker 1: I am going to do is hopefully give you questions
15:11
Speaker 1: that can help you answer that major question for yourself.
15:15
Speaker 1: So the first thing is if you knew that by
15:19
Speaker 1: leaving her she would be okay, would that change your decision? Number? One? Okay?
15:25
Speaker 1: In other words, do you think that the main reason
15:28
Speaker 1: you're staying is because you feel worried to leave her
15:31
Speaker 1: because she's just got all these traumas and this is
15:34
Speaker 1: just going to be an additional difficult thing that she
15:36
Speaker 1: has to go through in her life, a breakup. Right
15:39
Speaker 1: if you knew that she would actually be fine leaving,
15:42
Speaker 1: would that sway your decision in any way? Or are
15:45
Speaker 1: you with her because you genuinely are like, no, this
15:49
Speaker 1: is my person. We're just going through a rough patch,
15:51
Speaker 1: but she's my person. I want to be with her forever.
15:53
Speaker 1: There's a very big difference, and it's really important that
15:55
Speaker 1: you get to the bottom of it because you can
15:57
Speaker 1: love her, and I'm sure you do. But like I've
16:00
Speaker 1: said before, love, unfortunately, is not enough in a relationship.
16:04
Speaker 1: Love is not enough. We love people that are wrong
16:06
Speaker 1: for us, we love people that don't love us back,
16:08
Speaker 1: We love people under the wrong scenarios. Love is not enough. Okay,
16:12
Speaker 1: you need love number one, of course you need it,
16:14
Speaker 1: But then you need other things as well. You need compatibility, compatibility,
16:18
Speaker 1: you need the same major desires for your life. So
16:22
Speaker 1: I think it's good that you have differences with your
16:24
Speaker 1: hobby as differences with your goals, differences you know, like,
16:27
Speaker 1: so you're still an individual, but when it comes to
16:29
Speaker 1: the overall outlook for the long term trajectory of your life,
16:32
Speaker 1: you are aligned. So you're saying, I want this kind
16:36
Speaker 1: of more lighthearted, enjoyable life where I can have fun
16:39
Speaker 1: and have you know, but this is so heavy. It
16:41
Speaker 1: is so heavy. It feels like there's just there's no change,
16:44
Speaker 1: at least no change in sight. Okay, do you genuinely believe,
16:48
Speaker 1: genuinely in the bottom of your heart that you have
16:50
Speaker 1: that long term compatibility with your partner, because you might say,
16:54
Speaker 1: you know what, yeah, we actually do like even though
16:57
Speaker 1: she's going through all of this shit. I do you
17:00
Speaker 1: see that deep down where there is this long ter
17:02
Speaker 1: compatibility Or you might be saying, you know what, No,
17:05
Speaker 1: I love her because I'm in love with her, But
17:10
Speaker 1: really I don't see us growing as a couple. I
17:13
Speaker 1: don't see our relationship evolving past this. And maybe you
17:16
Speaker 1: don't see the relationship evolving past it because you yourself
17:19
Speaker 1: don't have your needs met, which leads me to my
17:21
Speaker 1: next question. I both of you having your needs met
17:23
Speaker 1: in a relationship. A relationship is not going to be
17:25
Speaker 1: a successful relationship long term, And by successful I mean
17:28
Speaker 1: people feeling like the cup is full, feeling validated within
17:31
Speaker 1: the relationship, feeling that they're able to give as much
17:33
Speaker 1: as they can take. That kind of relationship in success.
17:37
Speaker 1: You know, do I think that this could be a
17:38
Speaker 1: successful relationship long term as far as having both our
17:42
Speaker 1: needs met? Because if all her needs are met from
17:45
Speaker 1: your en I'm not talking about needs met as far
17:47
Speaker 1: as life, but within the relationship, you're not getting your
17:50
Speaker 1: needs met right now. Do you think you'll be able
17:53
Speaker 1: to get your needs met soon, in the short term future,
17:56
Speaker 1: in the long term future, what does that look like
17:58
Speaker 1: for you? And where do you draw the line? Which
18:00
Speaker 1: leads me to my next fucking question, which is how
18:04
Speaker 1: what would have to change in order for me to
18:06
Speaker 1: stay and what would have to change in order for
18:09
Speaker 1: me to leave? Because another issue that a lot of
18:12
Speaker 1: people do is they think I'll just stay until things
18:16
Speaker 1: get better or worse. And things are already quite bad though,
18:19
Speaker 1: but you just stay and you stay, and you stay
18:21
Speaker 1: and you stay, and you say, oh, well, things get
18:23
Speaker 1: really bad, I'll leave. If it does get bad, I'll leave.
18:25
Speaker 1: But you underestimate how much you can put up with
18:28
Speaker 1: and you could probably be in this relationship for decades,
18:31
Speaker 1: resenting the fucking hell out of her and being miserable
18:33
Speaker 1: as fuck, probably depressed, probably on meds yourself by that point,
18:36
Speaker 1: but you could still be there. But it's not what
18:39
Speaker 1: you want. So you need to have some really hard line,
18:42
Speaker 1: some hard parameters if you if you like, as far
18:44
Speaker 1: as like your long term happiness and long term success.
18:47
Speaker 1: And everyone is to do this, not just in romantic relationships, jobs,
18:50
Speaker 1: the city they're living in, everything. If you're not happy
18:53
Speaker 1: in your current situation, you've got to have some tangible
18:56
Speaker 1: markers for you to make big decisions moving forward, to say,
19:00
Speaker 1: if I was to stay, what is the tangible thing
19:03
Speaker 1: that would have to occur and by when? Okay? And
19:07
Speaker 1: if I was to leave, how much worse does it
19:09
Speaker 1: have to get? Or maybe it doesn't have to get worse,
19:11
Speaker 1: but maybe I could be offering help, offering help, offering help.
19:14
Speaker 1: But if nothing changes in six months or in three
19:18
Speaker 1: months or in whatever the timeframe, then that's my cue
19:21
Speaker 1: to be like, well, I've got all the answers that
19:23
Speaker 1: I need. I have to leave. You've got to create
19:26
Speaker 1: what those parameters look like, and only you can create
19:28
Speaker 1: those parameters. You need to know how to measure this
19:31
Speaker 1: because if you can't, you will be here for years
19:33
Speaker 1: and years and years and years under the guise of well,
19:35
Speaker 1: I love her, But like I said, love is not enough.
19:38
Speaker 1: And you could be with her forever and be a
19:40
Speaker 1: martyr and suffer in order for her to sufferless, but
19:43
Speaker 1: she's already suffering. Not to say you should be adding
19:46
Speaker 1: to the suffering, but I'm saying they're going to suffer
19:49
Speaker 1: alone or with you. So you've got to decide. Do
19:51
Speaker 1: I want to go on this journey with her because
19:53
Speaker 1: I think that we can build on something beautiful together
19:56
Speaker 1: or is it going to be a constant drain where
19:58
Speaker 1: I'll never have my needs met? And even though I'm
20:00
Speaker 1: trying to meet her needs, it's not helping in the
20:02
Speaker 1: long run. At the end of the day, I can
20:04
Speaker 1: offer to help as much as possible, but how much
20:07
Speaker 1: is she able to help herself? Not that it's you know, whatever,
20:10
Speaker 1: the point is, Can I be in this relationship long term,
20:13
Speaker 1: feeling happy within the relationship, because as hard as it
20:16
Speaker 1: is and as sad as it is what she's going through,
20:18
Speaker 1: you do deserve happiness. And as awful as it is.
20:22
Speaker 1: It gets to a point where you've got to say,
20:24
Speaker 1: as horrible as what she's gone through, I'm not responsible
20:27
Speaker 1: for her healing. I will want to help whenever possible,
20:31
Speaker 1: but it is not my responsibility for her healing. So
20:34
Speaker 1: given that, what does my future look like? What do
20:37
Speaker 1: I want it to look like? And what do I
20:38
Speaker 1: think it's going to look like? And then you're going
20:41
Speaker 1: to marry the two up and say is this cohesive
20:43
Speaker 1: or not? Okay, Hopefully that gave you some food for thought.
20:47
Speaker 1: It is a really difficult position to be in. But
20:48
Speaker 1: you might have listened to everything I said and you
20:50
Speaker 1: might thought, no, you know what, you're making it sound
20:51
Speaker 1: so much worse that it is. She's actually fucking a legend.
20:53
Speaker 1: We actually are really really compatible. It's just a rough patch.
20:56
Speaker 1: I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel,
20:58
Speaker 1: and then great, that's best Casen right. But otherwise, think
21:02
Speaker 1: long and hard about these well maybe not even that long,
21:04
Speaker 1: but think hard about these questions. Really, do some like analyzing.
21:10
Speaker 1: Crack open this relationship, put it down on paper, Write
21:13
Speaker 1: down what you need to write down, because time is
21:15
Speaker 1: off the essence, you're not helping yourself or her being
21:18
Speaker 1: in this longer than it needs to be. So if
21:21
Speaker 1: it's not going to work out, you want to make
21:22
Speaker 1: that decision sooner rather than later. Okay, I really hope
21:27
Speaker 1: that did help. But yeah, next question, High Alexis Okay
21:34
Speaker 1: says confrontation makes me forget English. High Alexis, I have
21:38
Speaker 1: a question. I struggle a lot with confrontation, especially when
21:41
Speaker 1: it comes from a stranger. If someone is rude to
21:43
Speaker 1: me or confronts me, instead of responding or standing up
21:46
Speaker 1: for myself, I get scared and I freeze. I feel
21:49
Speaker 1: like a deer in the headlights, and I never know
21:51
Speaker 1: what to say. I just want to run and hide.
21:53
Speaker 1: I don't like conflict or drama. I would really like
21:56
Speaker 1: to get better at handling those situations. Do you have
21:59
Speaker 1: any tips on how I can improve with how I
22:01
Speaker 1: handle confrontation. I think we've had a similar question to
22:06
Speaker 1: this not that long ago. I could be wrong. Maybe
22:08
Speaker 1: I answered it on my Instagram, but yes, Okay, there's
22:11
Speaker 1: many ways that you can handle confrontation. The first thing
22:14
Speaker 1: that you need to decide is number one is what
22:18
Speaker 1: am I most afraid of when it comes to confrontation.
22:21
Speaker 1: Is it that I'm worried that someone's not going to
22:23
Speaker 1: like me. I'm like, what is the outcome that I
22:25
Speaker 1: fear the most? Because when you get to the bottom
22:28
Speaker 1: of what the outcome is, then you're able to workshop
22:30
Speaker 1: this a little bit more. But for example, one of
22:33
Speaker 1: the best ways to deal with confrontation, in my opinion,
22:35
Speaker 1: if it's someone who's close with you because you said
22:38
Speaker 1: you know, like you know, instead of responding or standing
22:40
Speaker 1: up for myself, I get scared and freeze. I never
22:43
Speaker 1: know what to say. I just want to run and hide.
22:45
Speaker 1: Is if it's something like, let's say someone pulls you
22:47
Speaker 1: up on something and you're like, if I had time
22:50
Speaker 1: to process this, I could probably say a lot of
22:52
Speaker 1: really intelligent things. I could really say the right thing.
22:54
Speaker 1: You could say, let's say it's a workplace thing. Let's
22:57
Speaker 1: say it's within a relationship, someone comments on something you've done,
23:01
Speaker 1: whether it's been something wrong and they're being critical of you, whatever.
23:04
Speaker 1: One of the best things is to buy yourself time, okay,
23:08
Speaker 1: and buy yourself time to then be able to put
23:10
Speaker 1: the best response forward. So number one is don't agree.
23:13
Speaker 1: Stop agreeing with people, and you don't have to freeze.
23:17
Speaker 1: You could just say I'm going to take everything you
23:19
Speaker 1: said on board, and I will reply. I will respond
23:21
Speaker 1: to you. So it's polite. You've acknowledged, you've addressed it,
23:25
Speaker 1: but you've bought yourself the time. So if it's the
23:27
Speaker 1: kind of confrontation where you think I need to defend
23:29
Speaker 1: myself in the moment, you're not being a dormant, but
23:32
Speaker 1: you're also not being put on the spot when it's
23:34
Speaker 1: something that you really really struggle with and you can't speak.
23:36
Speaker 1: So you just say that one thing. You say, I'm
23:39
Speaker 1: taking that on board, and I will reply. And then
23:41
Speaker 1: you can reply in a message, in an email, you
23:44
Speaker 1: can reply in another way, or you can retreat. If
23:46
Speaker 1: it's in a relationship, you can retreat, take a few minutes,
23:49
Speaker 1: gather your thoughts, and then reapproach with a calm mind.
23:54
Speaker 1: Another thing that you can do is when it comes
23:56
Speaker 1: to disagreeing with someone, and this is what I highly
24:00
Speaker 1: highly recommend. Let's say someone that you don't know that
24:02
Speaker 1: well and you're trying to impress and they say something,
24:04
Speaker 1: you're like, do you agree whatever, and it's something that
24:07
Speaker 1: you absolutely don't agree with. You don't have to agree.
24:09
Speaker 1: You could just be like, no, I'm interested in hearing
24:11
Speaker 1: what you have to say. I like hearing what you
24:14
Speaker 1: have to say, so it kind of allows you to
24:16
Speaker 1: still be you know, non confrontational, but without going behind
24:22
Speaker 1: without kind of like abandoning your sense of self, without
24:24
Speaker 1: going behind your own like identity and what your beliefs
24:31
Speaker 1: and like your schemer and all of that, and going
24:34
Speaker 1: against yourself and betraying yourself and lying just to appease someone.
24:37
Speaker 1: You could just say, no, I'm interested in what you
24:39
Speaker 1: have to say. I like listening to your point of view.
24:41
Speaker 1: You're not agreeing. You're also not disagreeing, so you're not
24:44
Speaker 1: you're not in this position of conflict. Okay, There's always
24:47
Speaker 1: a way that you could keep a conversation going without
24:50
Speaker 1: having to directly disagree with someone. And if someone says, no,
24:52
Speaker 1: but I want your opinion, I want your opinion, you
24:55
Speaker 1: can just say I haven't made up my opinion yet,
24:57
Speaker 1: and so I don't want to say anything right now.
24:59
Speaker 1: And if they can pushing you for it, just say,
25:01
Speaker 1: let's drop it. I haven't made my opinion yet, and
25:03
Speaker 1: you just keep repeating yourself. No one has a gun
25:05
Speaker 1: to your head. You don't have to say anything. But
25:08
Speaker 1: those are my two things. So if it comes to
25:10
Speaker 1: like a disagreement, and you don't feel comfortable disagreeing. You're
25:13
Speaker 1: going to just give that neutral response where you still
25:15
Speaker 1: allow them to talk, but you say, you know, you know,
25:18
Speaker 1: you don't have to disagree, But you say, I'm just
25:20
Speaker 1: interested in what you have to say, and I'm grateful
25:22
Speaker 1: that you're sharing your point of view across with me.
25:24
Speaker 1: If it's something where someone's pulling you up on something
25:26
Speaker 1: and criticizing your work, then this is the perfect opportunity
25:31
Speaker 1: for you to say, give me a moment, I will
25:32
Speaker 1: get back to you on that. The more you do that,
25:34
Speaker 1: you will realize, wait a minute, I have been able
25:36
Speaker 1: to stand up for myself. Not in the moment, but
25:38
Speaker 1: I was able to buy myself that opportunity or time.
25:41
Speaker 1: And I didn't die. I didn't I melt down. I
25:46
Speaker 1: survived through it. It was hard, but I got through it.
25:48
Speaker 1: And then just that alone will start to increase your
25:50
Speaker 1: levels of self esteem, and then you're going to realize
25:53
Speaker 1: that you might be able to share your own opinion
25:55
Speaker 1: on something, or maybe if someone criticizes you, you're able
25:57
Speaker 1: to on the spot say you're right, I didn't actually
26:00
Speaker 1: do that. Well, however, I believe xyz, and maybe I
26:03
Speaker 1: can do this or maybe this or whatever, and you
26:04
Speaker 1: start coming up with better things, or if someone criticizes
26:07
Speaker 1: you in something that's not true, you'll be able to say,
26:09
Speaker 1: you know what, I think you've misinterpreted what occurred. This
26:13
Speaker 1: is actually what's happening. Blah blah blah blah blah. Okay.
26:16
Speaker 1: So I always say, like, one of the reasons why
26:20
Speaker 1: confrontation really irks people who are not confrontational is because
26:24
Speaker 1: they end up saying something that's not the truth. They
26:26
Speaker 1: end up agreeing with someone that they actually don't agree with.
26:29
Speaker 1: They end up nodding and smiling when they didn't wish
26:31
Speaker 1: they didn't do that. They end up pretending that there's
26:34
Speaker 1: someone that they're not just to avoid conflict, and then
26:36
Speaker 1: when they leave, they're like, I abandoned myself. I've kind
26:38
Speaker 1: of betrayed myself and I really hate that. It irks you,
26:41
Speaker 1: it grinds your gears. So as long as you don't
26:43
Speaker 1: do that, I can guarantee you feel so much better
26:46
Speaker 1: about the situation. You feel so much better about it,
26:48
Speaker 1: even if you didn't speak exactly your mind in the moment.
26:51
Speaker 1: Trust me, you don't have to agree with someone to
26:53
Speaker 1: still stand your ground. You can be neutral as fuck
26:57
Speaker 1: but still honoring yourself and be like, I don't like confrontation.
27:00
Speaker 1: I didn't ask for this debate. This person's shoving a
27:01
Speaker 1: debate in my face. I don't have to say my
27:03
Speaker 1: point of view, and you don't. You fucking don't. They
27:05
Speaker 1: don't have more authority over you than you have for yourself,
27:08
Speaker 1: so you say not interested in this debate. I don't
27:11
Speaker 1: have to give you my point of view, but I
27:12
Speaker 1: also don't need to freak out and agree with you
27:14
Speaker 1: and whatever. I could just be neutral as fuck. And
27:17
Speaker 1: that is my advice to anyone who's kind of going
27:20
Speaker 1: through this, like oh my god, like how do I react? Neutral? Neutral?
27:25
Speaker 1: That's the way to go that. Hopefully that helps you
27:29
Speaker 1: with your question and with anyone else kind of going
27:31
Speaker 1: through that, because I've been through those moments as well
27:34
Speaker 1: in my time as well, so I think that really
27:36
Speaker 1: helps anyway. Guys, thank you so much for sending in
27:38
Speaker 1: your head noise questions. I'm also really excited I'm going
27:41
Speaker 1: to keep you updated on how my road to being
27:44
Speaker 1: an organized coeen is going. I actually think having the
27:48
Speaker 1: kids and having twins pushes me more to be more organized,
27:51
Speaker 1: Like my wardrobe's never been tired out since I've had kids,
27:54
Speaker 1: which is outrageous and outrageous statement, But I think I
27:57
Speaker 1: just have to be more organized. So every month, I know,
28:00
Speaker 1: does myself be more and more organized? Tiny tiny steps,
28:03
Speaker 1: but we're getting there. So you guys are coming on
28:04
Speaker 1: the journey of me being organized. I want to get
28:06
Speaker 1: to a point where I've got like four weeks of
28:09
Speaker 1: episodes banked in advance, and I want to get to
28:11
Speaker 1: that point relatively fucking soon. Because Shanaia, my right hand
28:15
Speaker 1: man who does all my socials and editing and whatever,
28:18
Speaker 1: she will also loved me for it. She would appreciate
28:20
Speaker 1: it massively. Anyway, That is all for today. Thank you
28:22
Speaker 1: so much for tuning in to this episode. Thank you
28:24
Speaker 1: to my global beans, my local beans, my everyone bean.
28:27
Speaker 1: Please subscribe if you're not already subscribed, like and share
28:33
Speaker 1: you got sharing the podcast huge. You fucking you're doing
28:36
Speaker 1: God's work. Love you guys so much. As always, remember
28:38
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, becudti your brain, don't take shit
28:40
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dug