Latest / Free Therapy with Ben & Kevin / Performance anxiety and feeling like less of a man #7

Transcript

Performance anxiety and feeling like less of a man #7 · Free Therapy with Ben & Kevin

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: The world is free Therapy. Hello, Hello, welcome to Free Therapy.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I'm Ben and I'm.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: Kevin, And there's a lot of stuff that I wanted
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: to delete from this week's episode, but Ben didn't let me. Nope,
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: so you better enjoy it.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be a good one.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Every week me and Ben sit down with a different
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: therapist to talk about the stuff that most guys are
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: going through, but nobody says that loud.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Except this week, there is no therapist. It's just us
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: doing the thing that maybe we are afraid to do.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: But our producer challenged us to answer questions that most
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: men would lie about, because truly, I believe we both
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: believe that the more we talk about this stuff, the
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: less alone we all feel.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: We got into stuff like how often we're embarrassed about
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: our performance in bed, never, what makes us feel like
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: less of a man, and the stuff that we pretend
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: to have figured out but we absolutely do not.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: If you've ever felt alone and in your head way
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: too much, this episode is definitely for you. Let's get
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: into it.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Hey, keV, Hey Benny, you doing great? Yeah?
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is gonna be a fun one. So Kevin
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: I sat down with our producer, and we were trying
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: to figure out something that we could do that would
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: be a solo episode, and she had a great suggestion.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: She said, well, you guys are so good at talking
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: about everything, talking about your secrets, being vulnerable. She goes,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: why don't you try and answer the questions that most
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: guys will be afraid to answer in general or even
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: out loud, right, And so.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I was like h.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: keV was like h and we were like that sounds fun.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: So here we are. Yeah, we got a bunch of questions.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: We asked friends, we asked her, we asked ourselves. We
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: don't know some of these questions what we're gonna pick,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: but we're gonna spend today's episode just going through these
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: questions and trying as hard as we can to answer vulnerably.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Here's what I think we should just be as honest
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: as possible because what's like, the worst thing that happens? Yeah,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: does it really matter?
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we never get married, can't we lose all our friends?
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: Like I think, no, I agree with you. The worst
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: that happens, you know, it's funny. I actually think that
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: with the show, there's a lot of vulnerability. Is scary
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: for me, Like you know, even though we're doing this though,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: like it's it's it's a lot for me to I'm like,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: I like having a polished exterior.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I know you, I know you don't, but so this
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: is this is uh, what's an edge? Ready?
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Let's go, Okay, what do you wish you could ask
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: for help with? But never do?
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: The first thing that comes to mind is that I
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: never asked for help with like business. Like for me,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: work and business is something I think I'm supposed to
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: figure out on my own interesting, and I don't ask
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: for help on.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Things because if you ask for help, you're weak or
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: you're not smart enough.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I'm not smart enough. Yeah, Like it means
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: it's an indication, a false indication of like my ineptitude.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, that's good answer, right, I hear that?
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: All right? Hmmm? What are you chasing in your life
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: right now? And why?
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Hm hmm.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I'm definitely I'm definitely chasing status. Like I know that
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I that I don't need it. I know that everyone
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: in my life thinks I'm doing great. But for some reason,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: like the title or the success or the news article,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: it makes me feel good. But like I don't know.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I wish it didn't. I wish like that recognition didn't
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: make me feel so good. But I know it's human,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: But I don't know.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: I just.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: I want that thing.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: Is it the success that the status brings you? Is
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: it actual recognition from peers and society that makes you
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: like feel yeah, cool, more successful? Yeah?
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I think there's like this, there's a continual sense of
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not enough that just always shows up. Right. So
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: if I have the article or the title, then I
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: can not I can have a better time not feeling that,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: or I can mask it in that moment, but then
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: it just goes away. So I think it's I wish
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't chase it.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: So you think it'll give you what.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: It'll make me feel like I'm enough?
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: How often are you embarrassed about your performance in bed? Nice?
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: What do you think you could improve?
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: How often am I embarrassed perform I don't want to answer.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Just zooming here, just so we know we're not fussing.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: It happens for sure. I don't know. I don't know a percentage,
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: but I think like I put a lot of pressure on,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: like making sure that you know the person I'm with
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: is satisfied and pleased and like they, you know, have
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: a great experience. Sure, And so anytime like I don't
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: feel like they have a great experience, I feel like
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: I'm not doing enough.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: We'll do it. The people pleasing thing actually working in
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: your benefit. Here works in their benefit, It works in
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: their benefity.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly what do I think I can improve on? Honestly?
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I think I can improve on not being in my
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: head so much about trying to be a good partner lover. Yeah,
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Like I think it actually gets in the way of
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: me being present, Like I'm trying to be like are
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: they having a good time? Are they you know? Are
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: they you know? And I think it actually takes away
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: from my presence.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, look, how are you yeah?
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Okay? How often are you embarrassing in the bedroom?
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I think this is like a this is like a
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: fair question, right, And what would happen if everybody answered
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: it honestly? I'll say, honestly, I would say early on
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: what I'm starting to date a girl or the first time,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: I would say, I am always nervous, performing below average
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: and it sucks and I think, like I have learned
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: over time that's fairly normal. And I think that once
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I get comfortable with my partner, I feel like it's
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: just like a like a give and a take, and
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: some some sex is great and some isn't, and like
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: you either could talk about it or not talk about
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: it and you'll be done. But yeah, man, I mean
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I'm thirty six now. When I was twenty six, I
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: would say every experience probably sucked. I just like, did
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: it You just like don't know what you're doing. Man.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not trying to prove yourself.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't know what she wants. You're just learning.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Like it's complicated. Yeah, I definitely recommend every guy to
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: read when she comes first.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a couple yees, she comes firstus definitely for sure. Unbelievable.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: It's like it just gives you so much more confidence.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's like, I don't know, I think it's
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: it's it's natural to have sex, but it's not natural
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: to be good at it. Right, Things I can improve on, Yeah,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I would probably say, like staying out of my head.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I think it's like hard to to be fully present,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: but I think with the right partner you actually become
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: more present.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Right, when you're like making love versus having sex, Like
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: you can just feel the presence. And I invite every
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: guy to like figure out or try to like get
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: to the point of making love and not just having sex,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: because I think making love is like one of the
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: most beautiful things in the world.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's funny. There's actually a friend of ours recently,
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: we were having a conversation something somewhere and he goes, yeah,
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: of course I get any any time I'm meeting a
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: new body, right the first time, I'm always a little nervous,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: and I just love that that concept of yeah, you're
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: actually meeting a new body. I guess, like and in
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: my answer even it's it's those early times of getting
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: to know someone new that everyone is so different that
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: you're like, oh shit, of course you're going to be
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: in your head. And yeah, when you get into a relationship,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: it's different because you're more settled. Yeah, you're more comfortable,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: you kind of there's no surprises, so you feel like
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: you can actually get more present.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, I want to say one more thing
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: that I just want to This is like maybe off top, okay,
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say this. When I was in my
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: early twenties. I always thought a night of success was
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: sleeping with a girl, going out to a bar, yeah,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: not only making out, getting her to come home. And
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: then if I slept with her, I was like good, right,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And then I realized that every time I did that,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I became unhappier because that sexual connection was actually not great.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: It's a stranger, you don't know her, you're drunk, right,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: So that I was like, wait, I don't want to
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: do that, so I'd rather just kiss, get a number,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: move on. And I think that most guys think that
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: if they sleep with a girl, they'll feel better about
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: themselves because they'll tell their guy friends that they slept
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: with the girl, and then they'll get the validation. I
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: just challenge every guy to not do that totally. It
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter, it doesn't make you feel good. Yeah, dude,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: kiss her, get her number, date her, don't date her,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: but like, you don't need to have sex you feel
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: good about yourself. We're gonna do a whole episode on this.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: It's so true. We are yeah my turn. I think
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: part of that, dude also is. And it's never fun
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: to say this, but the more that I talk to
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: you guys about it, the more clear it is that
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: like the embarrassment of not getting hard when you're just
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: the first time, because again, your body's just getting to
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: know someone new and you're so in your head. And
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: it's happened to me in past, even like in something
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: that's turned into a relationship where the first time I
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: was but then it ended up being an amazing relationship
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: and the sex was amazing and the Roman intimacy was amazing,
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: but it just took a bit of getting comfortable. Yeah,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: and I think like we judge ourselves so much for that.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: And then also like I can very real to fucking
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: share this, but like when that ever has happened, there
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: have been times where I've tried to be like, oh,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: you know, not like that, actually do that. But you know,
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I try to just brush it off and try and
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: just like distract from the reality. And there's times where
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: I actually communicate and I'm like, oh, actually, you know,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: maybe let's maybe it's not right, maybe this is actually
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: a little spiritual for a second, but like maybe this
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: is God or spirit or energy. No, I'm serious, being
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: like you don't need to have sex right.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Now with right right right right right, yeah, yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: You know, yeah, and like what if it's actually like
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: for you?
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And in those moments, you could definitely like take
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: a blue chow, want a sponsorous.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: Or just it's okay, you don't need to, and you
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: can think, hey, maybe I'm not feeling it right now,
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: You're amazing. Give them some affirmation so they don't feel bad. Yeah,
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: but and they'll be supportive. The woman in those situations
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: when I've communicated has been super understanding and supportive.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: That's a good point. Sometimes a woman thinks it's their
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: fault totally. Yeah, so you have to just let them
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: know it's not that you're just in your head. Yeah,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: and then they actually feel like very supportive and if
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: they have something going on, it's their own stuff, has
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. They get angry or whatever. Like, dude,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I remember literally thinking, like, where what are some of
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: the foundational conversations you and I've had in private that
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: brought us to this conversation. And I genuinely think like
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: performance in the bedroom or not getting hard or that
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: has been like a core thing we've talked about that
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: has made both of us feel like, oh wait, if
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: we're feeling it, then everyone else totally.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: And the more we talk with other friends about it,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: and we're like, oh shit, oh yeah, yeah for sure, yeah,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: for sure.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: All right, next question, what's something you pretend to have
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: figured out that you actually don't.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I pretend to have my life figured out?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yea yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I do. Yeah.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people. People say it to me, yeah,
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: you have things for I'm like, what.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Why do you think they say that, like, what have
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: you done?
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I think it's because like I come
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: off confident and I throw events and I host things
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: and I and I share things that are you know, meaningful.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: But I think it has to do with like, I
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: have such great aspiration for my life, and you know
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: the difference between my aspiration and expectation and reality is
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: just there's a gap. And so I pretend to have
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: it figured out, not even intentionally, but I do, and
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: then I end up actually not having like you know,
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: what is like my career and like how am I
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: going to support the family that I want to support
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: right now? And I don't have that sh figured out?
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: And it's a bit like, you know, it's not fun
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: to say it because I want to have it figured out.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, dude, I mean, I totally hear you. I actually
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: sometimes think that about you too, But I don't know.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I think it's a gift.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Man. You think what you think, I haven't figured it out,
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: or that.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: You have it figured out.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: Oh so interesting.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Like I think you're because you're okay with so many
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: things not going the way you want. You're always like
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: something doesn't work out, like yeah, it's something better will
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: come along, and I'm like, yeah, Like, I think that
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: level of optimism that you show off can make people
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: feel like you're okay with where your life is.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: It's often me being my own coach. Like a lot
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: of the time, my optimism is being like it's the
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: best option for me to do is to tell myself
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: something better is gonna come, and it's okay. That Like
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: the alternative is like sitting in my pity party, and
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: it just actually feels better to be like, something better
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: is gonna come. It's all good. Yeah, what's a version
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: of yourself that you've already mourned?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Whoever I was before I was sick, I don't know
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: that kid anymore. I look at pictures and videos and
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I I just have no like I don't feel that
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: kid ever, Like I don't remember. I can't, I can't.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I just can't do it. It's like the only memories
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: I have are the pictures and not the feelings. I
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: can't remember anything from before eighteen. I can't feel anything
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: before eighteen. I've that was hard, but I've I've I've
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: come to terms with that. Yeah, I've come to terms
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: with the loss of that kid. I don't know. I
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: think I've found ways to bring back the joy, but
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I have. I have. I have mourned him, but I've
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I've found ways to to bring what I what I
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: what I what I what I what I remember, what
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I think it would be, or how how it would
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: have been in this in this life today.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: But yeah, you can't access him. I feel like sometimes
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: you talk about like the way you were as a teenager.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: He was talking about memories, but like your bar Mitzvah.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: Ben's bar Mitzvah, the theme was hot celebrity actresses.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: It was just women.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Sorry, the theme was better. This is way better. The
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: theme was women. Ben's bar Mitzvah theme was women and
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: Hallie Barry was on a table, Jennifer Andison was on
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: a table. Who else?
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, an Electra. My dad
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: wanted Michelle Pfeiffer. But this is this is okay, this
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: is why. Now we have to give the full story.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: When I was younger, ten, eleven, twelve, I only had girlfriends.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I had no friends that were guys.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: All your friends were girls.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: All of the guys picked on me, all the guys
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: wanted to fight me. Everyone was mean to me. So
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: I only had girlfriends. And I was really good at
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: having girlfriends, right, they tell me secrets. I was flirting,
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: I was whatever. And so when I was thirteen and
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: my mom was like, watch your bar, Mitcha. Everyone's like
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: lakers and candy and board games. And I was like,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: that's boring, Ben, You're unique. Your special in my mom
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Jewish mother, You're you're so special. You're the most special
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: boy in the world. She goes, my boys and do
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: something unique. She goes, why don't we just do girls?
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: You love women.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the Oops I
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Did It Again video. I could have stopped watching Pamela
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Anderson on Baywatch. Carmen Electra just came out with whatever
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Electra of the movie. I was just like women, women, girls, girls.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: I was just liked girls, and so my mom was like,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: we'll be creative. So each centerpiece at a table was
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: another woman. So like, I like a cardboard cutout, cardboard
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: cut out, like my choice, halle Berry. Photos we can find.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: We'll we'll share. Please put photos up right now.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: And so my mom custom hand wrote a note from
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: each of the celebrities on why they couldn't be at
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: my bar mits. So it's halle Berry, You're at table
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: halle Berry, and then you go to the table halle Berry,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: and it's like, dear any Booboo, I'm so sorry I
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: couldn't be there on your big day. Mazel Tov. I
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: know you've worked really hard to get here, and it
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: upsets me so much that I couldn't be there. I
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: just wrapped up filming. James Bond, thank you so much
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: for helping me write my acceptance speech for Monsters Ball.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Without you, I wouldn't have been able to get it done.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Hugs and kisses, see you soon, Love Hollie. Every table,
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: my mom.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: Wrote a letter, Hayley, can we please get a real
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: give them a real letter? Wow? Amazing.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't think it was so unique until no one's
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: ever done it.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: By the way, if someone does it, let me know. Yeah,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I guess back to your question, but do.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: You feel that, ben?
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: No, I feel what the reaction of what people tell
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: me today. How it is the joy they give me
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: and the surprise what I did. Yeah, that's the energy
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I have. And so I think it's just like a
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: but like, okay, question, can you access those feelings of
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: when you were a kid or like are you able
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: to go to fourteen and twelve?
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: And uh, like when I just thought of it, right now,
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: I can very easily go to like like six seven. Yeah,
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: we would like play this game in my living room
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: where we'd put a piece of string across the middle
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: of the living room and blow up a balloon and
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: you play like balloon volleyball, like two on two. That's fun.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: I remember that. I remember like our pool and like
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: jumping off the roof into our pools, like my mom
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: was stop that, Stop doing that, my dad. It's okay,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: They're safe being seven years old.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: But like the feelings, I remember those feelings.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's I don't remember the constant thing, but I
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: remember these specific feelings.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I think maybe if I was going to be a
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: little bit more descriptive on the answer. I would say
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: everything from like you know, fifteen to like twenty one
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: or twenty is lost. It's hard to it's hard to
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: capture right maybe earlier, but it's those years that were
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: like those foundational growth years where you learn about yourself
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: becoming a man or in school that I just kind
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: of like we're lost in the experience of just like
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: grief and sick and things.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense. I have a memory of being
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: thirteen and leaving school. It was like June, so it
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: was like end of school and summer and like this
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: really like this really attractive girl that was like super
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: popular in middle school. Eighth grade, like seventh eighth grade
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: was like throwing a pool party and like I wasn't
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: like I wasn't invited, but like and I but then
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: like people with Kevin come and I just was like
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: so nervous. And I remember just walking from school like
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: just thinking should I go, Should I go? Should I go?
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: Should I go? I just being so nervous, and I went,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: but I was nervous, and what happened. I remember jumping
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: into the pool like I'm doing it.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Good job, good job, good job.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Took off my shirt. Yeah, a big deal for that.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: It's a big courageous What's something that makes you feel
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: less of a man?
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: M M. I feel less of a man when I
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: feel like I can't support financially the life that I want,
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: the family that I want, all those things. I judge
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: myself for that.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean both those, I agree. Another one would
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: be when I'm standing next to somebody who's more buff
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: than me, you know what I mean, Like that.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: Is one with us in comparison to friends, Yeah, who
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: have things that I think that I should have financially.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, success for sure.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: For sure. I think when I'm not one hundred percent
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: honest with.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Myself, you feel less of a man.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Because I think men, in my mind, a man
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: is even if they're not proud of something, they're honest
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: about it with themselves. And I think that's like a
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: very masculine quality, a.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Nice standard for you to hold for a man. Yeah.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: I don't think a lot of guys call that.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Yeah, I think that's important.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: What are you most insecure about that you hide?
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Really well, dude, I've always been so insecure about how
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I look. I've always thought like I have a big nose,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I have a big forehead. I'm not like right, And
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I don't know, like sometimes I feel that way, not
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: really anymore. Maybe if I was like something I'm most
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: insecure about five years ago, I would say, it looks
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I'm actually not. Actually that's interesting to say. I'm actually
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: not insecure about my looks anymore at all. But five
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: years ago I would say I hid that really, Well,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: what about you?
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: Some body stuff like my belly, I'm insecure about my belly.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: I got off. I'm like, you know, is.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: There a friendship that you've outgrown but you've stayed in
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: for guilt shit?
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Wow? In the past, for sure, Yeah yeah, but not
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: today right, not today, not anyone that I can think of.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: There have been many in the past.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would advise a guy that if
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: you're in your mid twenties and there is a friendship
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: that is another male that is taking from you emotionally,
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: whether they're always negative or they're comparing a lot, to
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: just put up a boundary. You don't have to cletely
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: disconnect from their friendship.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: Or communicate the problem. Sure, yeah you can, but also,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: like that communicate the problem before you said the boundary.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, fair, Yeah for sure. Yeah, I'm me write another one.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: When did you last cry? And what was it about?
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: Hmmm? I cried? Uh on Tuesday night?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: I went to breath war. It was a great you know,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: great breath work and at the end we're just breathing.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: And I just noticed how critical I am of myself
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: often throughout the day, critical of areas in my life
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: where I wish I held that boundaries, like with my family,
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: critical of the time I waste and the times that
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: I get distracted during the day, like scrolling social media, say,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: critical of just me not showing up in the way
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: that I want to in life, and like, I just like,
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: it's really unconscious. It's not like I'm like constantly doing this,
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: but unconsciously, subconsciously, I am like, fuck, what are you doing?
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: What are you doing? W we aren't you doing enough?
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: We aren't you doing more? Why aren't you doing? About
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: all that? And I was just like, I just noticed
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: how much I do that, And then I started to
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: just acknowledge how much like I love the man that
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I am, and started to acknowledge it like I really
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: actually love like the way I show up for my family. Yeah,
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: like it's a beautiful trait and I love the way
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: that I do that. And I love the bit of
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: adhd that I have that like keeps me always like
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: you know, getting distracted because it all so it was
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: the thing that like makes me fun and spontaneous and like,
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: uh just makes conversation interesting and it makes me charismatic,
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: like it's the same thing. It's actually love those parts
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: of me. And I just like went through every part
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: of my life and I was like, I love that
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: I am that, and I got super emotional, like it
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: made me m just really uh feel really good to
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: actually like give myself love in those areas.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're all so critical of ourselves. Fucking so critical
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: man so much seeing someone like you ever thinks to
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: have it altogether, it's critical of themselves.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: A lot of optimism, yeah, a lot of criticism, how
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: about you.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I mean there's a lot honestly, Like you and I
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: recorded an episode yesterday. Yeah, you brought up something on
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: my dad and I was like, I'm gonna cry. It
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: was like the first thirty seconds of the episode. I mean,
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: I'm just a if I'm in touch, I'm in touch
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: and I'm.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: A little soft Internet feels this week. Yeah, for sure, hmm,
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: I love it. You got this question, Ben, Benjamin David Teller.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: What can make it hard to be in a relationship
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: with you?
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Well, let's ask my girlfriend, or my therapist, or my
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: mom or you. Everyone knows. I like to plan. I
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: like to know what's going to happen. I like to
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: be doing things around my time, and so when things
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: aren't on Ben's schedule, you know, I'm not the most positive.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: I could be a little bit tense. I'm working on that.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: You know, my OCD shows up as controlling for the
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: future and wanting certainty, So any uncertainty in the dynamic
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: can make me a little bit anxious. I need a
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: lot of like affirmations and emotional validation. So if I
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: don't get that, that's hard for me. Those are probably
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: the biggest areas that I'm trying to work on right now.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: But yeah, nice, do you want to answer that?
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah? You know, I am very optimistic and positive and
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: like it's like a great way that I show up.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: And I know that because that is my default often
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: with other people, that I may not be great at
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: creating space for someone to actually feel what they're feeling.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's interesting.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: It's like it's like you're aware of that.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: It's interesting, you know, it's good.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I don't think that I always Yeah, I
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: don't always. I'm not always attuned, right. I bring an
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: energy into the room, right, and so because of that,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: I'm not attuning to the other person's energy all the time, right,
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: And I can imagine that's difficult to be my my girlfriend, right,
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: uh and my friend.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like you cut right, so uh huh.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Wow, I've gotten a lot better at catching myself. I
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: still come up with the energy. I'm not changing that yet.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: But then I go, oh shit, oh there's something differently,
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: I gotta have. You have that much better in high
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: school is horrible, right, andre would dude, he hated.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: It's because it's triggering if you're in a different mood.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: Totally yeah, and he was like he beating, he'd be like, dude, relaxed,
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: like blasting music. Yeah. Yeah, that was more than I
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: am today, Way more of that than I am today
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: in high school. Insane.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I'm sure why were you like that?
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: It was just what I was like, really like, ask Andrea,
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: ask Alex, like that's anyone to high school with like
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: me and the hallways in high school.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: But I guess that's like how you were a couple
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: of first years of college too.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: You would like the kid in the house too.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Three in the morning, I.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: Was like a kid just like jumping on it, throwing ship.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: So you did, jumped on the tables on.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: Ben would get so angry at me. I'm so tired,
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: just be like le just like throwing cups across.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: The stood on top of the table, and he would
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: throw cups at Benny on the touch.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: Benny would be cooking chicken legs, leave them in the
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: guy would we'd go to the bars, would come back,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: you know, we'd'd be three thirty in the morning, and
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: he would merit. He'd have he would have already marriated
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: chicken legs so that he could throw them in the oven. Yeah,
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: and and we'd be eating chicken with like saracha mayo
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: at four and the more I was so tired.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: I was so tired.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: It was like the most bougie drunk.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: Snatched pizza, Get pizza, Bennie, chicken to this, what's your
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: biggest figret?
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: I often have tried not to have regret, even the
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: things that I maybe I'm like, everything happened for a reason.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: I take on that perspective a lot, like everything that
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: has happened has made me the men M today, and
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. I
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: wouldn't be able to show up in the ways that
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: I am showing up, which I love. So there's that.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Dan Pink has that book, The Power of Regret, and
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: it's you know, regret is also a motivator. It helps
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: you see the ways you're showing up in which you
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: don't want to show up and the ways that are
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: un aligned with your values or unaligned with who you
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: want to be. So my biggest regret is not just
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: going for the things that I wanted to do. You know,
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: Like in college, I had this idea of like Kevin's
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: college kitchen, Yeah, and I never did it. Yeah, and
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: I regret that.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: And there are things like that that I regret, Like
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: there was no reason for me to not do it.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: It was fear. It was like I didn't want to
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: look like an idiot, and like I should have just
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: tried all that shit. And I think, like now I am,
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: Now we are so it's beautiful. But let's go therapy.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Let's go therapy.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: What a fun one. This is a great These are
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: very fun.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: I guess if there are questions that we missed, maybe
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: like people can let us know totally. Yeah at free Therapy,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: Free therapy pod, let us know.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we can answer some of them. And maybe if
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: you loved one of these questions, maybe answer one of
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: these questions and DM it to us or like post
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: it and like post your answer if you got some clevos,
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: you know, like I would love to see some some answers.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that'd be cool. Or just tell your friend, yeah,
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: you and your friends is doubt name? Ask your friends
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: you guys do this for ten minutes totally. That could
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: be healing. Absolutely, Yeah, that's fun.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: How do you start free therapy with your friends?
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: Nice?
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: Take some of these questions, go back and forth for
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: a few of them. I'm sure you're both gonna have
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: similar answers.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: See what happens, See what happens. We will see you
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: next week.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Got flight subscribe follow Thanks.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: Guys, Hey, thanks for listening. We appreciate you.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode and us embarrassing ourselves and
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: talking about our feelings you are definitely going to like
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: everything else.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: Follow on on Instagram at free Therapy and we'll see
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: you next time.