Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Watermelon Spanks, Da Pope's Holy War, and Espresso Bombs?!

Transcript

Watermelon Spanks, Da Pope's Holy War, and Espresso Bombs?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
I remember my dad got me this Pocahontas toy and he got me the
0:04
The Chief 1 and it came with like a staff.
0:06
First thing I did when I opened it stuck in my ear.
0:12
Welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a podcast
0:16
about what the heck is going on, what the heck is happening, and
0:19
all the things that are making me say what the heck?
0:22
What a week, what a week we've been having.
0:24
It's the first week of June. It's the first week of Pride
0:27
month. Everybody.
0:28
Yay. Being gay is fun again.
0:31
For one month only. We get 30 days or however many
0:35
days June has and then it's back in the closet.
0:38
Everybody wrap that gay shit up by June 31st.
0:42
How many days does June have? January.
0:45
March. No, I skipped February, January,
0:50
February, March, April, May, June 30.
0:54
I learned on the knuckles. Some people, I don't know,
0:57
Barry, like sings a song or something or some type of, I
1:01
don't know, Wiccan chant that you do to learn. 30 days have
1:05
September, April, June and November.
1:08
All the rest have 31 except. For no, no, no, no, no, I'm not
1:12
doing all that. I'm just going to go ahead and
1:15
count on my knuckles. The knuckle thing is like, you
1:18
start at January, February, March, and it's just like,
1:24
because the two months that are back-to-back that have 31 days
1:28
just happen to coincide with your, It doesn't matter.
1:31
It doesn't matter. June has 30 days because they
1:33
said gay people get 30 days. We're going to change the logo
1:37
for 60 seconds only. You'll get a rainbow logo on the
1:40
television if you're watching. And by the way, that's a video
1:43
podcast. So if you're listening in your
1:45
ears, finish the episode and then go back and start it again
1:49
on YouTube and Spotify and watch because we need all the views we
1:54
can get. We need to get on those charts.
1:56
Folks. This is you are doing activism
1:59
in the month of June in support of a white gay person by
2:03
listening to my podcast and also doing YouTube subscribe rate
2:09
review all the things that Youtubers say.
2:12
I don't really know. I some people assume that I know
2:14
what I'm doing. Couldn't be further from the
2:17
truth, folks. OK, Yeah.
2:19
Have I been technically making videos on the Internet for the
2:21
past 11 years? Sure.
2:24
Have I learned anything? No.
2:27
You're asking me for expertise. I did do once a company sort of.
2:31
I don't even know. I I might have just done this
2:33
for fun, but a company had me give like a talk to their
2:37
employees about going viral. I think they expected me to be
2:39
like funny and I took it deathly seriously.
2:43
I was like, I'm here to teach you about how to how to post
2:45
stuff on the Internet. Step one, get high.
2:50
Step 2, get drunk. Anyway, I don't think that
2:54
company exists anymore, probably.
2:59
Or they're doing war crimes for all I know.
3:01
I was I was teaching Halliburton how to make, how to make baked
3:06
in the wild doing war in Sudan. Anyway, it was Barry, it was
3:14
your birthday this week and I've heard a lot about it.
3:18
I've heard enough about it. That's enough about that.
3:27
No, we did do something very fun, which I highly recommend
3:29
for a birthday activity. And that was going afternoon
3:33
tea. Highly recommend lighting up a
3:36
joint, getting a little toasty and going to an afternoon tea.
3:40
I felt like a Hobbit. I we crawled out of our hole and
3:45
went and drank some tea, had a little weed.
3:49
I will say that waiter judged the fuck out of us.
3:53
So here's the thing about afternoon tea.
3:55
OK, afternoon tea is a time honored tradition that comes
3:58
from, I don't know, probably China, if we're being honest.
4:02
But then British people kind of took it like, they fucking took
4:04
everything. And yeah, just like, you know,
4:09
you get the tray, you get the little sandwiches, you get the
4:12
little scones, you get the little treats on top, and then
4:15
you get as much tea as you want. Barry and I went in London to,
4:20
what was it, Fortnum and Mason, which is like a kind of fancy
4:24
place, to the Queen's Jubilee Tea Room.
4:28
We decided to do a baked in the wild there.
4:31
I ate, I ate a gummy, I smoked before I went to that afternoon
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tea. I called it high tea.
4:37
Getting high at high tea. A number of British people
4:41
swiftly corrected me because technically high tea is more of
4:44
like an entree. It's not.
4:47
It's not what you do in the afternoon.
4:48
Why don't you all shut the fuck up, OK?
4:51
We left your ass 250 years ago for a fucking reason.
4:54
And now we're, we're putting on AUFC fight in front of the White
4:57
House to commemorate. I made it.
4:58
Oh my God, have you seen the pictures of what they're
5:02
building in front of the White House?
5:03
I don't want to like, I feel like I'm reverting back to like
5:08
pussy hat liberal when I complain about this because at
5:12
this point it's like we're, it's over.
5:14
Like it's not, I'm not going to be like #resist.
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It's, we're done. It's we made it 250 years and
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now they're building a a UFC stage feet away from the
5:27
entrance of the White House. Meanwhile, the East wing is
5:31
levelled on the other side. It looks like a still from an
5:36
apocalypse movie. It's like the stupidest.
5:39
I can't even wrap my head around it.
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It's like, it is truly just the trashiest, most disgusting.
5:47
Like, I don't know, I can't think too much about it or I'm
5:51
going to have to like, throw myself out of a window.
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It honestly, I'm like, I don't, I just, I don't, I don't have
5:58
anything to say about it. Why did I get talking about?
6:00
Oh, yeah. But it's still fuck the British.
6:02
Let's be clear about that. Anyway, we went into the Queen's
6:05
Jubilee Tea room and yeah, I was super stoned and it, it was way
6:11
too fancy, was fancier than I thought it was.
6:14
I thought it was going to be a bunch of other people who are
6:16
doing it ironically. And it turns out there were some
6:20
pretty fancy people there. Everybody there looked like
6:23
dignitaries. For some reason.
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I was like, this is, I didn't realize adults did this for
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real. They were doing it for real.
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And I, I, our waiter knew that we were super stoned.
6:37
So that was kind of a deeply uncomfortable experience.
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I, I wish I could go back because I think I would fully
6:43
embrace it a second time around and just say, fuck it, we're
6:46
going, we're going hard. I want a full bottle of
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champagne brought to my desk. I want every sandwich you can
6:53
get. It's also, and this is the
6:54
important point, it was all you can eat basically.
6:58
Then that's the kind of the secret to afternoon tea is that
7:01
typically it is all you can eat. It is like, you know, you finish
7:06
your sandwiches and then they come by and they're like, can we
7:08
get you more? And proper British people have
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the decorum to say like, no, that that is quite enough.
7:15
And I say bring me one of everything again and keep them
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coming until you have to roll me out of here.
7:23
There was also a maitre-d' or a Hostess.
7:25
What is the, what is the woman version of a maitre-d'?
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Or is there a difference? Are they gendering maitre DS She
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was kind of a bitch. Whatever her gender was, she was
7:36
kind of a huge fucking bitch. And then it turns out I she
7:40
might have just been German or French.
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So no way of knowing for real. It was one of those things where
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like you kind of have an enemy for a couple hours.
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You kind of, it was like an hour ago, I didn't know this person
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existed. And now she is my sworn enemy.
7:53
And if I see her in public, it's on site.
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It's. Gender neutral maitre-d'.
7:57
Maitre-d' gender neutral. If anyone's looking for new
8:00
pronouns. Maitre-d' covers all bases.
8:04
What is it like master of the table or something?
8:06
Master of the Hotel. EW, I don't like that.
8:10
Well, it's short for master like it's it's maitre.
8:13
De Clue's house or whatever right, right.
8:16
I see. That makes sense.
8:17
Me, it's master of basically, Yeah, I took languages.
8:23
Listen, I took like 12 years of elementary Spanish, so you
8:28
better believe I can speak basically English.
8:35
The whole point that I'm trying to make is that we went to
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afternoon tea for Barry's birthday.
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I was super stoned. We ate all of the fucking little
8:43
sandwiches. Some of them were weird.
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And then we asked can we have seconds?
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And the man looked at us like we were like Oliver Twist asking
8:53
for more, like we were disgusting rats on the street
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begging for our food. He said no the the tea is
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bottomless you fucking fat asses.
9:07
But if you want more sandwiches I can see we can ask the chef if
9:12
what he's got available back there.
9:14
First of all, the sandwich is this big you you piece of shit
9:18
so I know you can slap up some more of them.
9:21
Second of all, has nobody asked this before?
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Like he truly acted like we were the first people alive to ask
9:28
for seconds at afternoon tea, a practice that they're ripping
9:32
off from the British. Got to give it to him, the
9:34
British, they're doing seconds at afternoon tea in a way that
9:38
America is not. Or at least this one place that
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we went to. No, I had a great time.
9:45
Happy birthday to Barry. I guess we also did see the
9:48
Daniel Radcliffe show on Broadway and it was it was
9:53
incredible. So the the show that Daniel
9:56
Radcliffe does is like he it's a one man show, but it's like the
10:02
audience basically all participates or a lot of people
10:05
participate that he kind of casts the roles of of this one
10:10
man show that he's doing. And Barry was cast as the love
10:14
interest. So she had like a pretty big
10:17
part in this in this production. And yeah, Daniel Radcliffe did
10:24
come up to me, pull me aside before the show started and
10:27
asked if it was OK if my he if my girlfriend could play his
10:32
love interest. Because sometimes men have
10:34
gotten uncomfortable that he is play asking their girlfriends to
10:37
be their love interest. And I had to say, actually, her
10:40
husband is right over there. I'm just her gay friend.
10:44
I'm just her gay loser friend who's here by himself is the
10:48
third wheel. And Daniel Radcliffe said, OK,
10:52
OK, that's enough. You can go sit back down.
10:56
But yeah, it was I, I will say audience participation.
11:02
It's going to be a no for me. It's going to be a no for me.
11:05
I don't want I I'm coming here for Daniel Radcliffe.
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Actually. I'm not coming here for fucking
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bozo from Iowa to to read her line, Barry.
11:18
I'm not coming here for some brunette 6.
11:23
Just kidding, I'm not going to be here for some sock puppet
11:31
bitch to profess. The funniest part, which I have
11:36
made fun of you for, was that after we left, she said.
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I haven't done a scene in so long.
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I was like, OK, OK, Glenn Close, but I'm just like, yeah, don't
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even audience participation, I think is getting out of control.
11:54
And it's because we now live in this world where everybody
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thinks that they should be on stage.
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Everybody needs to be on camera. No, one of my, one of the
12:02
biggest stances that I will take on this podcast is that some
12:06
people are audience members and that's it.
12:10
We need, we need observers. We need just bystanders.
12:15
OK, so me, that's probably you. It's the problem with stand up
12:19
comedy too, is now everybody thinks that everything is like
12:23
crowd work. And so you come to a show and
12:27
it's like, hey, I'm just going to start shouting out
12:29
suggestions. No, sit back and fucking watch
12:33
you cock. Get in the cock chair and
12:37
fucking shut your mouth. Anyway, we haven't even gotten
12:41
into my what? This is just me talking about my
12:43
week. I'm getting myself into a rage.
12:47
Let's move into my what? The hecks for the week.
12:50
I'm revved up. I'm ready to complain.
12:53
I'm going to punch a hole through the wall if I don't
12:55
fucking complain about something.
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This is basically like court mandated anyway, let's get into
13:05
it first. People who say that they want to
13:08
wake up with the sun, No, the sun is up too early.
13:14
The sun is getting up earlier and earlier every it's every
13:17
day. It's like the sun is getting up
13:18
early and earlier and it's in my face.
13:20
I don't have blackout curtains in my in my bedroom and that's
13:24
the problem is because I'm I'm waking up at hours that I should
13:28
not be waking up at. I'm waking up at hours that I
13:31
should be still asleep. What time are you getting up?
13:35
At so I feel like the sun should kind of come up when I'm ready
13:38
to get up, which is 10 AMI people have taken.
13:44
I feel like I feel like everybody in my life sort of
13:46
knows at this point that I'm most likely not going to respond
13:50
to attacks before, I don't know, 11 AM until I both waking up
13:55
eating breakfast and drank a a bunch of coffee.
13:59
Not to be all don't talk to me until I've had my coffee coated.
14:04
But they're putting it on mugs for a reason, folks.
14:08
OK, I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything and
14:11
I don't want to see the fucking sun.
14:13
There's always, they're always saying like, yeah, it's natural
14:17
to wake up with the sun. Like that's how our bodies are
14:20
engineered. You're supposed to wake up and
14:22
and go to bed with the sun. It's like, first of all, no, the
14:26
sun is up way too early. The sun is getting up four or
14:28
five AM. Sometimes I'm still in bed.
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Are you insane? But then I think, like, should I
14:35
get blackout curtains? Should I wear a sleep mask?
14:37
And then am I going to kind of fuck up my circadian rhythms
14:41
because of that? The point is, the sun is waking
14:43
up too early. I don't want to see the sun
14:46
until I'm ready to see the sun. But also my body is getting
14:51
probably fucked up because of it.
14:52
What do you mean you're going to sleep with the sun?
14:55
Are you says are people sleeping at like 9:00 PM to like 5:00 AM?
14:59
What are you a farmer? Some people are farmers.
15:06
Let's just move on. What else is pissing me off?
15:09
Getting a bad watermelon from the grocery store.
15:12
Listen, it's watermelon season. I'm out here trying to get some
15:17
good watermelons and I don't like the full kind of
15:21
performance that you have to do at the grocery store to find a
15:23
good watermelon. All of these people on the
15:25
Internet are telling me how to find a good watermelon.
15:28
You have to inspect the butt hole of the watermelon.
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The, the tighter the butt hole, the juicier the fruit, I believe
15:33
is the thing. Yeah, you better believe I'm
15:37
going to. I'm going to believe that.
15:40
That's been something I've been living by for quite a long time.
15:42
The tighter the butt hole, the juicier the fruit.
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Cause yeah, sometimes the tight butt hole's got me gushing.
15:50
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:55
But I do. I don't like when I was younger
15:58
I we used to tap on the watermelons, used to spank them.
16:03
There's no non sexual way to talk about finding a good
16:05
watermelon. Unfortunately, it is kind of
16:07
just like you're kind of violating a watermelon,
16:10
inspecting its butt hole, giving it a slap, but you're supposed
16:14
to like cup your hand like that and then sort of like slap the
16:18
watermelon to see if it sounds hollow.
16:21
Guess what? It all sounds the same.
16:22
I don't, I can't tell the difference.
16:24
There's no like non intrusive way to find a good watermelon at
16:28
the store. And I'm already fighting for my
16:31
life at Trader Joe's and now I have to like clap on a bunch of
16:36
watermelons. Have you ever returned a, a, a
16:39
grocery item to the grocery store?
16:42
Because that's the other thing is like, what are you supposed
16:44
to do if you just get a bad watermelon?
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What am I going to take it back? Like that does feel like the
16:49
ultimate and people do that. It does feel like kind of the
16:53
ultimate care and behavior to return a grocery store item.
16:58
I, I think my parents have done that before.
17:03
I was like, please can we just let it go?
17:06
It's not worth it. I'm not taking.
17:09
There have been times where I've opened up like ground meat and
17:11
been like, this smells weird and I could take it back it it'd
17:16
been like something I've just bought.
17:17
And then I'll I'm like, I guess I could take it back and be
17:20
like, hey, you just sold me this rotten meat.
17:23
But then I'm going to be the guy who took back, took back his
17:25
rotten meat. That can't be me.
17:27
I can't be seen like that. To me, it is worth.
17:31
I often consider the opportunity cost or whatever it's called
17:35
where I'm like, OK, I spent $10 on this package of gram meat.
17:40
It is worth $10 to me not to go back to the store.
17:45
And that's how I justify almost every problem in my life.
17:49
Almost every problem in my in my life.
17:51
I can sort of explain by I would spend this much money not to do
17:55
that thing. I feel like as a kid, we used to
17:58
return stuff to the store a lot. My parents were running a scan.
18:03
I just suddenly realized that I was part of a criminal
18:06
operation. No, I think part of part of what
18:12
it is is seared into my memory is because when I was a kid, we
18:16
would shop at Best Buy a lot. And Best Buy people of a certain
18:20
age may remember once you open something from Best Buy, you
18:25
would have to go back with a gun in order to get them to take it
18:28
back and give you your money. Once.
18:30
Once there is a scratch in the cellophane that is keeping ACD
18:35
contained, once you Pierce that film, it is yours for eternity.
18:41
Best Buy won't take a second look at it.
18:44
And if you ever had a problem with something that you
18:47
purchased from Best Buy and you tried to bring it back, you you
18:50
basically had to hire a lawyer. You had to go back with with
18:54
counsel in order to get them to take it back.
18:56
And I specifically remember there was a SpongeBob computer
19:01
game that kept freezing our computer and would happen at the
19:05
same time every time I was playing SpongeBob in the the
19:09
SpongeBob video game in the family computer.
19:14
And it would freeze at the same time.
19:16
And it was like, fuck it. And of course, this was the 90s.
19:20
So it was like the SpongeBob computer game cost, I don't
19:24
know, $4000. It costs like a mortgage.
19:29
And so we tried to return it. And I, my dad sort of
19:34
notoriously lost his temper at a number of, at a number of
19:40
customer service employees in a way that kind of is no longer
19:44
allowed. And as a child, there was kind
19:51
of nothing you can do but stand by and watch.
19:53
I specifically remember one time at RadioShack where an employee
19:57
said an employee said this was. The employee said, this is a bad
20:06
day to forget my blood pressure medicine.
20:12
I was like, Oh my God, we're going to drive this mandate like
20:15
combust. And it was because I think we'd
20:20
purchased like a sound system and it like didn't work
20:23
properly. And we tried to take it back,
20:25
but it was like he wrote a check for it and they were like, well,
20:30
you can't return it because like the check like is you have to
20:35
wait for the check to go through essentially.
20:38
And then you can come back and return it.
20:40
My dad was like, the check is in the register, just give me it
20:43
back and you can have this. And the guy was like, that's not
20:46
how it works. They both kind of had points.
20:51
The point is, I remember the Best Buy employee, he took the
20:56
SpongeBob game back to the backroom and played it and came
21:00
back out and was like, I played it, it works OK.
21:03
The little spatula goes across the screen.
21:06
I flipped the Krabby Patties and it works.
21:08
And I was like, well, it doesn't work on her computer.
21:12
And they were like fucking assholes about it.
21:16
And so I went back with a gun. Yeah.
21:22
Thank God. Best Buy is dead.
21:25
No, I still shop at Best Buy pretty regularly.
21:28
No, it's OK. Love you guys.
21:31
I don't want to sign up for the Geek Squad.
21:32
I'll tell you that much. They're trying to recruit people
21:35
to the Geek Squad like they're drafting for the Army.
21:40
I'm not interested. OK.
21:42
All of these places, they're trying to get you to sign up for
21:44
their rewards points. I don't need to.
21:46
I don't need rewards points. I'm not going to Michael's that
21:50
much. I I don't there's a there's a
21:53
few things that I feel like yes, loyalty points.
21:57
I'm all here for movie theaters, although people are people are
22:02
sort of enlisting in movie theaters like they're signing up
22:04
for the the Navy and the Army. Like you talk to an AMC Stubs A
22:12
Lister, they're trying to sell you on a pyramid scheme.
22:17
It's not a pyramid. It's a it's a perfectly fine
22:19
subscription service, actually. But I do feel like the people
22:21
who are trying to sell you AMC Stubs, the people in your life,
22:25
you know what I'm talking about, the people in your life who are
22:28
AMC Stubs A listers are militant.
22:33
They're coming out, they are recruiting for that.
22:36
Like they're getting Commission for every person that they sign
22:39
up. It's like God damn, I like
22:41
movies as much as the next person.
22:42
Calm the fuck down. I don't care that you get a free
22:45
popcorn with every 3rd movie that you see.
22:48
OK? It's not that important to me.
22:50
I'll pay $50.00 for every movie if I have to.
22:53
No, but that's a good one. What are what are what are other
22:58
good subscriptions? I I do, I do be going crazy with
23:04
subscriptions though and I do have to kind of go through my
23:08
list of subscriptions. Barry knows I just got a PayPal
23:12
notification for something I signed up for and I was like,
23:15
what the fuck is that? Something I signed up for an
23:20
annual subscription for? I believe it was an app for
23:24
brain teasers. An $89.00 charge.
23:32
Don't worry, I will be contesting it.
23:34
I was like, I haven't used this app.
23:35
I don't even know when I signed up for this.
23:38
Surely I would not have paid that before.
23:41
But the annual one really gets you because it convinces you,
23:44
Oh, I have a full year to cancel this, I'll remember.
23:48
No, you're not going to remember.
23:50
And then a year later, right as Pride Month starts, you're going
23:56
to get hit. I don't know what was happening
23:58
a year ago that I was like, I need to get fucked up on brain
24:00
teasers. I think maybe I was having like
24:04
a midlife crisis and I was like, oh, my God.
24:08
Or I was starting to smoke so much weed that I start
24:10
forgetting stuff. I don't know, I can't remember.
24:14
Maybe I'm smoking so much weed that I can't remember what I
24:17
don't remember. And that's how it gets you.
24:20
Next, let's just move on. Should I talk about Anna
24:24
Karenina? Should we, should we get into a
24:28
little 19th century Russian literature?
24:32
I mean, this is a podcast for sophisticated people.
24:35
Obviously stoners read, drunk people read.
24:40
So certainly I do listen. I'll keep this brief.
24:43
So for the people who aren't interested in Russian
24:46
literature, I just finished Anna Karenina.
24:49
Mostly because one of my friends who will remain nameless was
24:53
like, I kind of want to read Anna Karenina and I was like
24:55
sure I'll do that. I like being smart. 1000 page
24:59
book written 150 years ago. Spoiler alert for a 150 year old
25:04
book. If you don't want to know how
25:05
Anna Karenina ends, Fast forward like 3 minutes.
25:10
I actually, I, I liked the book a lot.
25:12
It I, as I was reading it, I was like, it kind of is like Real
25:16
Housewives of, you know, of Moscow and Saint Petersburg set
25:21
in the 1800s. But it follows a few different
25:24
families and one of the main characters, you guessed it, Anna
25:29
Karenina. And she is kind of like the
25:32
sophisticated society woman who falls in love with this hot
25:36
young stud named Count Vronsky. Only problem is she's married to
25:41
a fucking loser and she's got a fucking loser's son.
25:46
And so she ends up having an affair and decides I'm going to
25:52
sort of embrace myself and embrace my happiness and run
25:54
away with this man and be happy. And then everybody turns their
25:59
back on her because they think she's a dirty, filthy whore.
26:02
And then she becomes like, she kind of gets super sad because
26:06
Count Vronsky is able to the hot young guy that she is ran away
26:10
with is kind of able to do whatever, but she has everybody
26:14
has turned on her and she ends up throwing herself in front of
26:19
a train. OK, spoiler alert, she fucking
26:22
dies to death under a train. And at, at first blush, I'm
26:27
like, OK, this is sort of like a pretty sophisticated, like ahead
26:32
of its time story about this woman who is like, all she was
26:37
doing was kind of embracing her own happiness and like not
26:41
settling for a life that was making her unhappy.
26:45
And then she she got driven to death by society.
26:52
But then after she kills herself, the book continues for
26:56
another fucking 100 pages. And it ends on this other guy
27:00
who's also trying to find happiness.
27:01
And then he discovers, oh, you know what?
27:03
Happiness is doing stuff for God.
27:10
So it's like, oh actually what Leo Tolstoy it was trying to say
27:14
was like, if you choose yourself and you choose your own
27:16
happiness, you're a fucking whore and you deserve to die.
27:19
But if you give yourself up to God, it's it's great.
27:24
That's what I fucking read 1000 pages for.
27:27
I was so pissed off at that book.
27:28
By the end of it. If it had just ended with her
27:31
killing herself, I would have been fine because it actually
27:35
told the like the tragic story of a woman whose society turned
27:38
their backs on. And no, it had to end with him
27:41
being like, no, actually, I'm I believe in also what he's doing
27:45
for God, fucking farming. And he was like, I'm just going
27:49
to work hard and, and devote myself to the land and to and,
27:54
and to doing good, not just to God.
27:57
I'm not, you know, I'm not going crazy here.
28:01
Anyway, that's sort of my thoughts on Anacrit.
28:05
I do think it's like, you know, it is considered one of the
28:09
greatest, if not the greatest novel of all times.
28:11
And I like understand why it is considered that.
28:14
It is a great book. But I was just kind of pissed
28:17
off about like the moral at the end.
28:20
It would just took like a weirdly conservative turn where
28:24
I was like, oh, OK. Speaking of which, I do love
28:31
that people are mad at the Chicago Pope for kind of
28:35
declaring holy war on AI. I love that Chicago Pope was
28:44
kind of like, it's jihad actually.
28:47
We're we're declaring jihad on, on artificial intelligence.
28:52
And he wrote kind of like, I don't know, a 40,000 word call
28:56
to arms. He has been kind of going off in
29:00
a way that like popes haven't since they were kind of banging
29:03
twinks out in the open in the Vatican.
29:06
Let's be clear, Popes used to go kind of crazy.
29:09
I mean, what did that last Pope? He was like, what do you say?
29:13
There's an air of faggotry in the in the Vatican And he kind
29:16
of went off with that. But also it's like, Sir, the
29:20
call is coming from inside the house and it has been coming
29:23
from inside. The call was invented in that
29:25
house like Catholicism. They've been doing gay forever
29:31
since the beginning. It actually was Adam.
29:34
Adam and Steve. Actually, let's look that up.
29:39
It was Adam and Steve. No.
29:42
Yeah. This the the Chicago Pope.
29:44
The Pope has been kind of on a series of of banger after banger
29:52
and. And JD Vance, that fucking
29:56
rotted cabbage patch kid thinks that he can go toe to toe with
30:00
the literal Pope you converted to Catholicism as an adult.
30:04
You fucking chub you, you fucking half engorged chub.
30:11
I just feel like JD Vance looks like if a micro penis had a
30:18
semi, he kind of looks like if someone dropped Silly Putty on
30:27
the floor of a barbershop and then carried that around like a
30:32
special doll. And you're going toe to toe with
30:36
this Pope, Chicago Pope. But I was raised Catholic, so I
30:40
can say all of this. I'm speaking with authority.
30:43
I was never an altar boy, so you don't have to get worried.
30:46
But I was raised Catholic. I've been confirmed, I've been
30:52
communioned and I have been to confession.
30:56
I did my first confession. Well, no, I you have to do you
30:59
have like your first confession that is basically like church
31:03
mandated. You're supposed to go a lot.
31:06
But I believe my first confession was like, I, I told
31:10
my mom I hated her. And you can see the priest is
31:14
like basically laughing because you're like a nine year old
31:17
confessing their sins. What do I, what, what sins have
31:22
I committed as a nine year old? I'm Catholic basically under 2
31:28
circumstances, 1 when I'm watching sister act and two when
31:34
I'm listening to Oh, Holy Night by Mariah Carey during Christmas
31:37
time. That's, that's sort of when the
31:39
Catholicism enters my body. Other than that, you know, I'm
31:45
sort of checked out at this point, but Chicago Pope has been
31:48
kind of pulling me back in. He's he's and all he's doing.
31:52
And it's pissing them off so much as being like, hey, maybe
31:56
we shouldn't do war. Hey, maybe we kind of chill out.
32:00
Kind of building these digital tools that are going to be used
32:04
by like the most evil people among us to kind of take away
32:08
the tools of production and cause mass destruction and
32:14
despair. And they're like, you should get
32:18
on the fuck out of here. But also it's like, who was it?
32:22
JFKJFK was like the first Catholic president.
32:26
And they like were so concerned about electing a Catholic
32:29
president because they were like, he's just going to do
32:31
whatever the Pope tells him. And it's like, I feel like
32:35
famously the US government has been like kind of fuck you to
32:41
the Pope. And so the fact that they're so
32:42
offended by what he's saying now is funny.
32:46
It's funny that they're like all up in arms about it.
32:48
It's like, suddenly you decided to give a shit just when when he
32:52
started being like, you guys are war criminals.
32:55
But yeah, he's kind of on a tear.
32:57
And I love that for him. Keep your mouth shut about gay
32:59
stuff, Sir. Your Holiness, Don't, don't
33:03
speak on it. OK, Moving next.
33:11
People who work out on vacation are some of the most dangerous
33:15
people among us. I'm seeing a lot of posts from
33:17
people who are on vacation. You know, it's we're getting
33:20
into summertime, school is getting out, everyone's
33:23
graduating. People are going on vacation to
33:26
not only work out on vacation, but then post about it.
33:30
It kind of tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?
33:32
Doesn't it? Because now you're, you're
33:35
saying, look, I'm the type of person who works out even when
33:38
I'm on vacation. Hey, how about we all fucking
33:40
die? Hey, how about you keep that to
33:43
your fucking self? You're on vacation, have a
33:46
vacation. Oh, I know working out feels
33:48
good. No, not on vacation.
33:54
Go to sleep, go to a beach or something.
33:56
Why are you on a treadmill when you're on vacation?
33:59
Also, if you're not kind of getting your exercise doing the
34:02
activities of vacation, then you're not doing vacation right
34:05
either. Like lay on a towel on the beach
34:08
and do nothing or walk around Europe or something.
34:12
But don't don't be doing workouts on vacation.
34:15
The number of gay people. I know it's Pride month, and I
34:19
probably shouldn't shit on my fellow homosexuals with the
34:23
number of gay people who are posting about their workouts on
34:26
vacation, which I guess it's like gay people are always on
34:30
vacation. So it's like, when else are we
34:32
going to work out? You, you have to work out
34:34
because you're yeah, it's like you're always on vacation.
34:38
But that's OK. What else next?
34:48
Why the heck is Spotify making everything a made for you
34:53
playlist? I don't need to have everything
34:57
made for me every time I go to search, you know.
35:01
Beyoncé workout playlist for treadmill or whatever, you know,
35:09
just hypothetically Glee compilation treadmill mix.
35:14
It's sort of like, why are you giving me here's here's the
35:18
problem. Here's the problem with Spotify
35:20
made for you playlists. They're integrating AI into
35:25
every aspect of technology in a way that is not helpful.
35:29
OK, not everything has to be fucking optimized.
35:34
Hey, you know, whatever happened to accidentally stumbling onto a
35:37
song that you would would never have thought of?
35:41
But wow, this is hitting my ears in such a beautiful way.
35:44
And you, you type in something that you want on Spotify and
35:50
it's giving you a playlist of songs that you already know or
35:55
that are already in your like liked songs or whatever.
35:58
And it's like, no, I want that element of surprise.
36:02
I want to discover some fucking weirdo 15 year old who lives on
36:06
the other side of the country who put together this is
36:09
sounding weird. But you know, it's like, I feel
36:13
like the Internet used to be held up by like teenagers with
36:17
nothing better to do creating like deranged playlists.
36:21
And then you would sort of go around, you would find their
36:24
YouTube playlist, You would find, you know, their, their,
36:27
their Spotify playlist or whatever.
36:29
And now it's like everything is so optimized for you that
36:33
there's no room to just like stumble in and discover stuff.
36:36
And it's like, let me free me from this prison.
36:39
I want to popped out of all of that shit.
36:40
I'm going to put rocks into my pockets and walk into the ocean.
36:44
I'm going to fucking Virginia Woolf myself.
36:50
Another thing that's pissing me off when when people say, oh,
36:53
comment, comment scrumptious on my video and and I'll send you
36:58
the recipe. Oh, so I'm I'm you're a fucking
37:01
dirty slave. Oh, so you want me to get on my
37:05
hands and knees and and fucking beg?
37:09
Just give me the chicken Parmesan recipe, OK.
37:14
And I don't like how there are so many creators who use that
37:19
tool and it's, it's called like like 4 or something where it's,
37:23
it's, you know what I'm talking about South Certain creators
37:27
will do will use this tool where you can set it so that when
37:32
people comment a certain word, it automatically DMS them
37:37
something. So you can have, if you're a
37:39
recipe or a food creator, you can have them like comment yummy
37:44
and I'll send you this recipe. Or if you're like a fashion
37:48
Instagrammer, you can say like comment love.
37:51
And I'll send you this like where I got this dress.
37:55
And it's it's all to get people to comment, obviously.
38:00
And so then you go into the comments and the comments are
38:02
just people being like yummy, yummy, yummy, just like a bunch
38:07
of mindless drones. And I hate it.
38:10
I hate I just give me the fucking recipe or like trust
38:13
that people will just find the recipe themselves.
38:15
That's the thing. I'm not a food creator by any
38:18
means. I like I'm a clown who happens
38:21
to make like attempt to make baked goods on the Internet
38:24
sometimes and I don't like that people will be like, where is
38:29
the recipe it's in? I said whose recipe it was, go
38:34
look it up. But now I can't even blame
38:36
people for that because Google has destroyed itself.
38:38
I'm gonna. The problem is if I think about
38:42
anything for more than 5 minutes, it makes me want to
38:47
scream so loud that my eardrums burst.
38:50
I did burst my eardrum once. OK, so I shoved a Pocahontas
38:54
stick into my to my ear canal when I was like 5 years old.
39:01
OK, I I just so happened to shove the stick, the staff from
39:08
a Pocahontas action figure when I was like 5 years old into my
39:12
ear canal and it wasn't, it was the chief of from the Pocahontas
39:18
movie. So it was an action figure, not
39:20
a doll. I remember my dad got me this
39:25
Pocahontas toy. It was like when Pocahontas came
39:29
out and it was still OK to like make dolls and action figures of
39:34
Native Americans and from Pocahontas.
39:36
And he got me the The Chief 1. And it came with like a staff.
39:40
First thing I did when I opened it stuck in my ear.
39:45
Yeah, I and I remember it. It's one of my earliest memories
39:48
because I was probably four or five.
39:50
I don't know. When did Pocahontas come out?
39:52
Probably 1993 or 4. Later I think 90.
39:56
Seven. OK, well, that's going to be
39:57
upsetting because that means I was old enough to know better.
40:01
I'm pretty sure it was like 9495. 1995.
40:06
OK, whew. What?
40:09
What part of what? What month of 1995?
40:13
June, June. OK, it's the anniversary.
40:19
It's the anniversary of me sticking a fucking staff in my
40:21
ear. It was just perfectly like
40:26
perfectly shaped for me to stick in my ear.
40:28
And I just remember it was some of the worst pain I've ever
40:31
experienced. And that's why I remember it 30
40:33
years later. It's.
40:34
Kind of like your first gay experience on pride.
40:37
Month. Yeah, I penetrated myself.
40:39
That's beautiful. Yeah.
40:41
Every episode we're going to find a different way that I
40:44
turned gay. Last time it was getting bit by
40:47
my Wiener dog, and this time it's sticking the Pocahontas
40:50
dolls, stopping my ear. But I remember my, my mom after
40:55
I did it, she was like she basically was like, God damn it.
41:00
Like why would you do that? It was literally, it was like
41:04
the first I was playing with it for less than 5 minutes and I
41:07
was like wonder what it would be like if I stuck this in my
41:10
fucking ear. Kids are so fucking stupid.
41:18
Let's see next I I learned about a drink that apparently people
41:24
are making called an espresso bomb.
41:26
Do you know about this? Why are you doing this to me?
41:34
Stop. Just drink a fucking espresso.
41:38
Apparently an espresso bomb. Let me look up the actual
41:40
definition. I'll look it up on my phone.
41:42
Sorry. Sorry.
41:44
It looks like I'm looking up something on my phone.
41:46
It's because I am espresso bomb. Do I need to type in espresso
41:52
bomb? Not actual bomb.
41:55
Kash Patel don't investigate. He's not drinking an espresso
42:00
bomb, he's drinking a sake bomb. For sure.
42:03
An espresso bomb is a viral coffee drink and trending
42:06
hangover remedy. Shut the fuck up.
42:09
It is prepared by dropping a salted lemon rimmed shot glass
42:14
full of a double shot of espresso into a large glass of
42:17
bubbling tonic water. How about I barf into my hands
42:22
and then shove it in your face? That sounds disgusting.
42:26
A lemon rimmed shot glass full of a double espresso dropped
42:31
into tonic water. Are you trying to kill me?
42:36
Like what is what is the point? I don't like it.
42:39
I don't like what they're doing. They're coming from my culture.
42:46
Just drink a fucking espresso. Oh no, I said espresso.
42:51
Just drink espresso. You we don't have to be doing
42:53
all that. Who is hungover?
42:55
First of all, being like, oh, let me, let me put some lemon
42:59
around the shot glass and then drop it into a tonic water.
43:02
Oh my God, it makes me so mad. And the other thing I was
43:07
thinking of this week is like, why are espresso machines doing
43:10
all of that nonsense? Espresso machines are kind of
43:14
doing stuff in some of the most obnoxious ways that you can
43:17
imagine and in a way that no other coffee machine is.
43:21
They've got bells and whistles going off.
43:24
There's smoke coming out. There's horns blowing.
43:29
If you stand too close, I don't know, you'll burn your face off.
43:33
I did. Yeah.
43:35
I tried to use a steamer while I was wearing something.
43:39
Sure, sure. It it burned pretty bad.
43:43
OK, yeah, I've done it before and I didn't learn my lesson and
43:47
thought I could try it again. Yeah, it still kind of hurts.
43:52
I had I was wearing like a sweater.
43:54
It was to afternoon tea actually it and I was wearing it.
43:57
Just recent, I remember the last time you did.
44:00
This. No, the last time I did it.
44:02
The last time I did it was years ago.
44:04
Years. Ago, I remember that I didn't
44:05
know that you did it again this weekend.
44:08
Yeah, that's what I was saying. Oh my.
44:09
God, brother. Literally days ago I was wearing
44:13
a a kind of a sweater polo situation and you know,
44:18
sometimes I shouldn't have hung it on a hanger or sometimes you
44:21
hang a shirt on a hanger and it gets the little things.
44:23
And I was like, what if I try steaming those down with some of
44:26
the hottest steam available to me, My steamer on on full by the
44:32
way of on full power. I didn't even turn it down.
44:40
So yeah, not only did we get denied seconds that afternoon
44:43
tea, but I had a burning shoulder at the time, so it kind
44:46
of added insult to injury. But yeah, I don't like, espresso
44:50
machines are kind of going crazy in ways that are upsetting.
44:53
It's like you go into a coffee shop and it sounds like they're
44:56
doing factory work from the 1800s.
45:00
This is like, what fucking what was her name from Les
45:03
Miserables? Fontaine Fontaine.
45:06
Fontaine. Fontaine.
45:08
Yeah, It's what they were making her do before she got she had
45:11
turned into a prostitute and and died from syphilis or something.
45:15
Next we have our first caller to the What the Heck hotline, which
45:20
of course is the number that you can call to leave your own What
45:24
the heck that we may then play on the show so that this can be
45:28
kind of a group effort, because that's what what the heck is.
45:32
It's about us coming together to say what the heck is going on.
45:37
So if you have your own, what the heck, you can call in four O
45:40
7. WTH, Matt, I don't know what the
45:43
numbers stand for. You can look it up, but let's
45:46
hear our first listener. Hi Matt.
45:49
Hi Barry. I've been following you guys
45:51
since the beginning. One thing that's making me say
45:54
what the heck this week is that I am a bi woman and I decided
45:59
that this summer is going to be sapphic summer.
46:02
And I feel like as soon as I made that declarative statement,
46:04
every man I've ever known in my entire life has come out of the
46:07
woodwork and it started hitting on me.
46:10
And I'm like, where were you when I was open to dating men
46:12
and women? Nowhere.
46:14
Y'all were ignoring me. You guys did not care.
46:17
And now that I'm trying to date ladies, men are all but my DM
46:20
who are like, hey, it's been a while.
46:22
Remember when we went to that one bar together?
46:24
And I'm like, no, I don't actually.
46:26
I am not interested in talking to you, Sir.
46:29
And then all the ladies like thankfully have been kind.
46:32
But I just these men, as soon as you don't want to give them any
46:36
attention, that is when they start paying attention to you.
46:38
Anyway, I love you guys so much. I'm so excited with the new
46:42
podcast and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day
46:46
evening, whatever it is. Bye.
46:48
Yay. OK, so to reiterate our our
46:54
caller is complaining about the fact that she was ready to have
46:58
a sapphic summer as a bye woman. She was kind of going for the
47:01
ladies this summer, and then all of the men started coming out of
47:04
the woodwork and truly like the lesson of a lifetime.
47:11
Troubles. Troubles are a real savic hero.
47:13
Actually, I've tried to picture if Troubles would be like, gay
47:18
or straight. And I mean, I feel, I do feel
47:21
like she is a lesbian. Yeah.
47:24
Whenever I think about what celebrity troubles voice would
47:29
be like if she could speak English.
47:33
Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah, she has come up.
47:37
Unfortunately, Roseanne Barr has also kind of crossed my mind.
47:41
And Miley Cyrus, truly the advice that our listener spoke
47:46
that I sort of need to tell myself.
47:49
She's kind of spoke it offhandedly, but I was like,
47:53
yeah, this is how it be. She said that men sort of pop up
47:57
when you least expect them, basically.
47:59
It's kind of so fascinating how for some people that's
48:01
terrifying. Like for her, it's sort of like
48:06
a Horror Story. And for me, it's like, that's
48:08
kind of like all I want. But I think that's the point is
48:12
it's like it really has to do with how much you care.
48:16
And the second you be, the second you're like, I don't
48:20
really care that much. Guess what?
48:22
You're about to have 50 Dicks kind of in your face in a
48:25
terrifying way. So I need to start caring less,
48:29
is what I'm hearing from that. Isn't it interesting how our
48:32
listener just kind of left a voicemail about the problem that
48:34
she's having, and I made it about myself pretty immediately?
48:37
It's your. Podcast.
48:40
Yeah, no, that is true. No, I do find it is sort of
48:45
fascinating and it is what I imagined to be kind of a
48:48
bisexual horror movie. Is what this what this listener
48:53
is experiencing? Because I certainly, if I was
48:57
attracted to women, you better believe that I'm hunkering down
48:59
with a lady the first chance I get.
49:02
Anybody who would willingly go for a man, it's mental illness.
49:08
There's something wrong with you.
49:10
I don't have a choice. It's actually like, you know,
49:13
it's a it's an urge that compels me.
49:16
It's a whatever demon took hold of me as a child with through
49:20
that Pocahontas stick and has sort of animated my body ever
49:25
since is something that's happening against my will.
49:28
If I had the will to kind of date women, sure I would.
49:31
But so that's why it is sort of fascinating that like, yeah, you
49:36
have the choice and these men are coming out of the woodwork.
49:41
I say fuck him. No, no, like tell him to fuck
49:45
off. If you're wanting to have a
49:48
sapphic summer, have a sapphic summer.
49:50
And I would join you if I could. But unfortunately, I do find
49:53
that disgusting. Unfortunately, I am sort of like
49:58
repelled by the human. I'm repelled by the female body
50:02
in a feminist way, mind you. I respect it.
50:07
I'm, I'm not going to be one of those, you know, cisgendered gay
50:12
guys who is like, women are filth.
50:16
But I do kind of, it does kind of awaken the part of my brain
50:20
that is associated with disgust. Have you ever heard of that
50:26
study that was like, they showed straight guys like gay porn and,
50:32
and like a bunch like a bunch of images and kind of scan their
50:36
brains. And they were like, straight
50:38
guys react to like gay guys kissing the same way that they
50:42
react to like a pile of rotted meat.
50:46
And I'm kind of like, that's kind of how I feel about vaginas
50:49
in a, in a very real way. But I still believe that you
50:52
deserve rights. I don't really know how we got
50:54
here, so I'm just going to go ahead and wrap that up and move
50:58
on. And yeah, if you want me to
51:00
weigh in on on your what the heck or just to share it, get
51:03
something off your chest, go ahead and call our number four O
51:07
7 WTH Matt and leave me your what the heck.
51:10
And finally, there's this guy I keep saying on Tiktok.
51:15
I have to mention hot guys at least once per episode are all
51:18
combust. But there is this business that
51:20
I'm seeing on Tiktok called Cowboy Cannolis, and it is a
51:26
service that I think is designed, It's based in
51:29
Nashville. So I'm like pretty sure it's
51:31
designed for Bachelorette parties and stuff like that.
51:35
But it is like super hot guys that are have those kind of
51:39
carnival Barker trays and it's basically the moving cannoli
51:46
station. So they have cannoli shells and
51:48
then they have the ricotta, you know, the filling and they pipe
51:52
it. And obviously it's super sexual
51:54
because you're just kind of watching a man fill a hole with
51:57
cream in front of you. But it is.
51:59
So it is so like blatantly sexual and a bastardization of
52:07
my my Sicilian Italian culture that it makes me upset that this
52:14
is what this is what they're doing with cannolis.
52:16
This is you would think, you'd think, Matt, I've seen and heard
52:20
everything that you've ever said.
52:22
A cowboy cannoli situation sounds like something that you
52:25
dreamed up and paid people to enact.
52:29
OK. It does sound like something
52:32
that I would have typed in to AI and and it would have spit out
52:36
and been like, here you go, gay boy.
52:41
And it's true. But it is so pandering to me and
52:44
the fact that I'm seeing this cross my for you page.
52:47
But I do find it personally offensive.
52:50
Yeah. If I ever do some type of public
52:52
event, am I going to hire him? Probably.
52:55
But also, I think it's the fact that the cowboy, you can tell
52:58
his heart's not really in the cannoli situation.
53:01
And it's like, I'm going to need to see you fill that hole with a
53:04
little bit more pride in your work, Sir.
53:07
I'm going to need you to at least look Italian.
53:10
I think that's The thing is it's like, why is why is he a cowboy?
53:14
Why get on a horse, throw a rope around?
53:19
Why are we, why are we filling cannolis with a cowboy suit on
53:25
Anyway? I'll, yeah, I'll go watch it for
53:28
another few hours. I'll go scroll through those
53:30
videos for another few hours and decide how I really feel about
53:33
it. Anyway, before we go my what The
53:37
hey for the week, the thing that's making me the opposite of
53:40
what the heck, if that makes any sense at all.
53:45
And this week it's going to go ahead and be the television show
53:50
Couples Therapy. It is back, Doctor Orna.
53:54
I need her to be my therapist. I need her to look me in the
53:58
eyes and whip me into shape. If you've never watched couples
54:01
therapy, I think it's on Paramount now.
54:05
I think it's been on Paramount, but it is real life couples who
54:09
are doing real life therapy. So it's more of a documentary
54:14
than it is like a reality show. In fact, people treat it like a
54:17
reality show and I get worried about the people who are on it
54:20
'cause I'm like, these are these people signed up for therapy?
54:24
Yes, televised therapy, but still.
54:27
But anyway, it is like darkly fascinating and yeah, am I like
54:32
the most single person ever exist who's just watching
54:34
couples fight? You betcha.
54:38
And it does bring me solace and it is kind of turning me into a
54:43
couples therapist. So that's kind of the role that
54:45
I'm playing with all of my friends.
54:46
Is that like as the single one because of the amount of couples
54:50
therapy that I watch, I I kind of do have a doctorate in
54:55
couples counseling. And so, yeah, come at me with
54:58
all your relationship problems as well and I'll, I'll solve
55:01
them for you or make them worse. But that is it for this week's.
55:09
What the heck, I'll see you next week.
55:11
Bye. Happy Pride month.
55:15
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
55:18
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
55:20
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
55:23
future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
55:28
That's four O 7 WTH Matt. What the heck with Matt?
55:31
Bellicide is produced by Same Boat Studios and Bellisai
55:34
Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
55:36
Bellisai. Our executive producers are
55:38
Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and me, Matt Bellisai.
55:41
Erica Glass is our senior producer.
55:42
Our video editors are Matt Bellisai and Erica Glass.
55:45
Designed by Erica Glass, Matt Bellis I and Barry Finkel.
55:48
Our theme music is courtesy of Epidemic Sound Calm.
55:51
Special thanks to Truffles Bellis I.