Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The Power of Apology in Divorce and Beyond: How “I’m Sorry” Can Heal Us

Transcript

The Power of Apology in Divorce and Beyond: How “I’m Sorry” Can Heal Us · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to push through even with a croaky voice.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry I'm coming off the back of a really heavy cold, but just needed to get some recording done.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope it's not too difficult for you to listen to my croaky voice.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are talking about the power of apology in divorce and beyond.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: How I'm sorry can heal, repair, and rebuild.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about those two words that can carry such immense power.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: The two words I'm sorry.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not I'm sorry you feel that way, not I'm sorry, but just I'm sorry.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Full stop, complete sentence.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Those two words have such power to repair, to soften, to shift dynamics in all relationships, even those that are perhaps strained, broken, ending, or completely over.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: They have the power to really liberate us from defensiveness, from blame, from ego.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And they have the power to help us grow, to expand and to shift into something different, a different energy, a different relationship, a different space.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be really clear here: apologizing isn't about taking on what's not yours, it's not about abandoning yourself, fawning, giving in.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's about owning what is yours.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's about standing in your integrity.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's as much about you as it is about the other person, the person receiving the apology.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And let's also talk about the power of receiving apology, right?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You might hope for it, you might long for it, you might want it from your partner, your ex-partner, and it may never come, right?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to acknowledge that in this conversation too.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was prompted to record this because on a recent interview podcast episode with Annie Callis, she shared with me and with all of you that she's been apologizing to her ex-husband for years.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not because she wants to get back together, not because she's stuck in guilt or regret, but because in her or through her healing, she realized the parts that she played, the roles that she played in the dysfunction of their relationship.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she chose to own them with humility, with strength, with grace, and therefore chose to apologise to her ex.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that we all will do, it's not something that we will all feel called to do or need to do or want to do.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to speak to it because those two words, I'm sorry, do carry such immense power.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is really about what Annie did.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's about owning your own shit, saying sorry, making repair wherever you are on your relationship, separation, divorce journey.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, that might be apologizing to your ex, it might be saying sorry to your kids, but it might also be about apologizing and saying sorry to yourself, to your past self for doing whatever it was, the best thing with all the skills and the experience and knowledge you had at the time, doing your best.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It might be apologizing to your current self, allowing this, whatever this is for you to be hard, saying sorry to yourself for being so harsh on yourself, judging yourself, not showing compassion for yourself or to yourself.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So for whoever you need to apologize to or for the apology you'd love to hear and receive, let's dive in.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And firstly, I want to talk about why some of us really struggle to say those words.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Apologizing can feel confronting, right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, it triggers shame, and as humans, we will do anything, almost anything, to avoid feeling ashamed.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: We fear that by apologizing we're admitting, we're admitting guilt, we're saying that we're the bad one or that everything was our fault.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when when we're struggling, when we're hurting, when we're in pain, like we are as a relationship disintegrates or unravels as we separate, as we divorce, our instinct is often to defend, to protect, to explain.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But a real apology is none of those things.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's about, it's not about um assigning blame, proving a point, it's about accountability, owning your shit.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: The ego always wants to say, I didn't do anything wrong.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But the true relational maturity says, I'm sorry that what I did resulted in that experience for you.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: There doesn't always have to be a villain, and there isn't always, right?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes no one is doing anything intentionally cruel or harmful, but harm can still be experienced.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the quality of our relationships, all our relationships, romantic, intimate partner, parenting, co-parenting with our children, even post-separation, depends on how we handle those moments.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are separating, divorce, divorcing, divorced, and you have children, you're still connected for the rest of your lives.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about handling those ruptures because they're inevitable, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: They're inevitable.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're divorced for really good reasons.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: One of those reasons is that you don't agree on certain things or you don't communicate well.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So really learning to own what's on your side of the fence and apologise when it is appropriate and necessary can be really powerful.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not I'm sorry I did a bad thing.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not actually necessarily leaning into that guilt or shame or whatever it is.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: It might be, I'm sorry I wasn't able to hear you in that moment, or I'm sorry I was prioritizing my own needs over yours, whatever it is.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And what a real apology sounds like is as I said earlier, step one, I'm sorry, full stop, end of sentence, I'm sorry, not I'm sorry, but and then step two, which is optional but can be really powerful, acknowledging the impact that what you did or didn't do or said, umledge the impact that that had on the other person, whoever it is.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third step is if it's safe and if it's true for you, a willingness to make it right or do it differently next time.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So a commitment to change, a commitment to doing better.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to you to notice the absence of the word but in any of this.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but actually isn't an apology.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but is a justification, and it is probably more likely to add to the damage than help heal it.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So notice the absence of but, no justification, no defense, just an apology, an acknowledgement of the harm, and a commitment and a desire to do better.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I also think that after divorce apology still matters.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, it doesn't mean you have to fawn, it doesn't mean you have to take on crap that's not yours.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if there was something some things that you're not so proud of, you it there is power in saying sorry to the person to the other person and in forgiving yourself, apologizing and and saying sorry to yourself.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be in relationship or stay in a relationship to apologize.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the deepest, most powerful apologies come after a relationship ends, when we've had that space to reflect, to unravel, to regulate, to start healing a little.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Apologizing uh after a divorce doesn't mean you're saying that the marriage could have or should have worked or lasted, you're not taking all the responsibility for the breakdown of that relationship, just what's yours to own.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you're actually in a space, mature enough, healed enough, regulated enough to really own what's on your side of the street, to really take responsibility for that radical personal responsibility, and there's power and healing and growth in that for you as well as for somebody that you're apologizing to.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important here to note too that an apology might not change the other person, it might not change how they interact with you, it might not lead to forgiveness or friendliness or even an acknowledgement.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily done for them, it might not change things for them, but it really can change you, it can free you from the heaviness of regret or guilt, I suppose, but it really can open up space for healing.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're co-parenting, apologies can some be, can be, I'm sorry, some of the most impactful tools that you will use, not because you owe your ex anything or everything, but because modelling radical personal responsibility, modelling accountability, modelling kindness and compassion is powerful for you and for your kids.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your children are learning from what you do, not just what you say.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They are watching, they are watching how you behave, and watching you apologize or hearing you apologize to them sincerely, truthfully, for something recent, something in the past, it teaches them about healthy relationships, it teaches them about repair, it teaches them about emotional safety and about truth.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: So whether that is apologizing to their other parent, your co-parent, or to or to the children themselves.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not suggesting here that you apologize to your children for the separation, the divorce, the relationship breakdown.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am suggesting that apology built into relationship and modelled by you is is a powerful learning for your kids.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And tiny bridges like this, you know, build trust and emotional safety and and help with co-regulation.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want to leave you with.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to reflect on what might you be ready, willing, open to apologize for.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you know in your body that perhaps you mishandled or could have done better?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be huge.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might just be a simple moment of disconnection.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: It might be a tone of voice that shut someone down.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Guilty, hand on heart, I'm guilty of that.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it might be a time that you prioritised yourself over the experience of someone else, might be a time when you were less than compassionate with yourself and you need to forgive yourself for that.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So reflect on whether there's something in your life, in your relational life, that you would like to apologize for, that you're ready to apologize for.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I would invite you to write it out.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Write it down, even if you never send it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Write it down, speak it out loud to yourself in your journal, and maybe you'll be ready at some point to share that with another person.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this is not because you're wrong or you're bad, but we all make mistakes, we all mess up, we're human, and that's what we do, right?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: But it's about your growth, it's about expanding, it's about healing, and it's about you more than the other person because you want to become that kind of person, right?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: You want to become evolve into, expand into someone who can hold complexity and nuance, light and shadow, that can honor the impact that we have on each other as we move through the world, and someone who can say genuinely, truthfully, kindly, respectfully, I'm sorry, and I want to do better.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what healthy repair looks like.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is what healing sounds and feels like.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the very first step is to be able to say those two simple but super powerful words, I'm sorry.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this has helped you a little bit.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are someone who is hoping for hoping to be in receipt of an apology, perhaps let that go for now.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Ask instead, what do I need?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to release myself from the hope that they'll say I'm sorry, when they likely never will.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: What would it take to free yourself from needing them to say sorry and instead offer that closure to and for yourself?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because your healing, your forward movement, your expansion, your growth can't just stay on hold while someone else holds their silence.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who would benefit from listening to this or any of the episodes, please share it with them.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's how we get it into the ears of all the people out there who need support, care, guidance, and a bit of love through what is a really rough time, separation and divorce.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until then