Latest / Free Therapy with Ben & Kevin / How to be a happier person #6

Transcript

How to be a happier person #6 · Free Therapy with Ben & Kevin

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: The world lays free therapy. Hey everyone, welcome to free therapy.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: I'm Ben and I'm Kevin, and I'm always late to things.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Yes you are, and Ben doesn't like that.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: I do not like it.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: But every week we sit down with a different therapist
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: to talk about the stuff that most guys are going through,
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: but nobody's saying out loud.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: This week we brought in doctor Danielle tell You, a
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: happiness expert who came in and immediately made us question
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: everything we thought we knew about feeling good.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: We got into why chasing happiness might actually be the
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: thing keeping you unhappy, why you can have everything, the job,
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: the friends, the life and still feel like someone's missing.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: And then she also shared with us what the research
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: says about what leads to a life well lived.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: If you've ever caught yourself asking why am I not happy?
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: This one's going to be something you should definitely listen to.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: So let's get into the episode. Enjoy and I share
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: a story real quick, not crazy, but like okay, So
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: we were like at a young age that was like
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: anger is the one feeling you shouldn't feel right like
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: that was like the most destructive anger?
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: And who told you that society.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: I think society was like, anger was bad, right, yelling
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: at somebody hitting something?
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Unhealthy? Anger is bad, but there is healthy.
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: Anger absolutely be a great motivator, right Yeah.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: And I didn't even know there was a differenceause angry
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: as a negative word. I'm a happy person, don't feel angry.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: And it really fucked me up.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: And I bringing this up because I I had, you know,
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: something bad happened to me, right, I had cancer happened
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: to me, right, It wasn't my fault, it just happened.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: And then I was told I had to be I
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: was an inspiration. I was told I was a gift
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: because I beat it, or I was all of these
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: things that people were defining me based off of what
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: they thought.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: So I just.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: Buried all of the sadness, all of the anger, I
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: buried all of the pain because I wasn't allowed to
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: be angry about I be happy.
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: That I survived, like white society. Yeah, society says cool.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: So for five years after it, I'm like, I beat it,
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: I'm happy. I couldn't have been more unhappy in those
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: five years after I beat it, But I had no
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: idea why I was unhappy. It was like what everyone
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: says to be happy, Oh, i'd be cancer, I'm happy, I.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Have a job, I'm happy.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: It's like I couldn't have been more depressed and didn't
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: ask for help, didn't because I was just like, no, no, no,
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: I'm not depressed.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: It made it so much worse.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: So then somebody introduced me to like this book by
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: Russ Harris, right, and he was saying that actually, like
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: if you can label all of these feelings, then.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: You might be able to like understand them better.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: Right. And then my therapist at the time was like,
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: write yourself a letter about all the things you're angry about.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: And I just wrote, like I don't know, ten pages
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: of letters and cried the whole time. And then I
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: felt this anger and I was like, oh, I'm going
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: to do something about it. So I would like go
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: take a boxing class, or I would like scream into
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: a place, or I would like find or someone would
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: ask me, oh, aren't you happy that you beat cancer,
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: and I'd be like, actually, no, I'm pretty fucking pissed
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: that it happened to me. And my life's been really
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: hard after.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: It, right and honest, and I'm still adjusting.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: And then be like, oh, yeah, that does make sense,
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: or someone would be like you're an inspiration. I would
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: correct them. And then all of these ways of like
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: accepting the anger for years, like two or three years,
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: actually allowed myself to feel grateful for the experience from cancer.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: And I just think most people like don't want to
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: acknowledge that anger, and I want people to acknowledge anger
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: because it isn't the worst thing in the world.
• 3:42
  Speaker 4: I love that.
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: I do think anger is a great, as I said,
• 3:46
  Speaker 5: kind of motivator. And there's a lot of insight, right,
• 3:48
  Speaker 5: you get from when you experience the anger. Again, anger
• 3:51
  Speaker 5: is a human emotion, so being able to feel it's
• 3:54
  Speaker 5: very activating. And so but I think you're right. A
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: lot of times were we're told not to yeah, I
• 4:01
  Speaker 5: think will angry, and yeah, be angry.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: We just see it as well. So many examples of
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: anger have been destructive.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Right, That's a great point.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: So we blanket statement, go anger is bad. I experienced
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: this for sure because all the examples that I growing
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: up were destructive anger and anger that was never resolved.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: The anger didn't lead to something positive, It just led
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: to an unresolved problem that would just linger.
• 4:29
  Speaker 5: Right, And there's a difference between anger and aggression, right,
• 4:31
  Speaker 5: and taking out your aggression on somebody.
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: I mean, I don't think we want.
• 4:35
  Speaker 5: To say that that's a healthy way to express your
• 4:39
  Speaker 5: anger if it's aggressive towards yourself all others, right, in
• 4:41
  Speaker 5: the interests of safety. But anger doesn't have to turn
• 4:45
  Speaker 5: into aggression.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, I think part of even why happiness can
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: be difficult for me is because I'm constantly trying to
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: make things perfect. I read a lot of Michael Singer,
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: and I love micro Singer, like he's helped me a
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: lot around having more faith and trusting right, Like everything
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: is perfectly designed for me, and there's a level of faith,
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: whether it's religious or not, it's there is a level
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: of faith that has actually been really helpful in this
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: and making decisions, big ones and small ones. Like how
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: does that play into it? Yeah?
• 5:21
  Speaker 5: Yeah, letting things unfold right and just all you're really
• 5:24
  Speaker 5: responsible for is the next indicated action, and trusting that
• 5:27
  Speaker 5: more will be revealed in the process.
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: And yeah, I.
• 5:30
  Speaker 5: Think letting go right this idea that you have to
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: control everything in your life, people, places, and things which
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: we can't possibly do. And if we live in that state,
• 5:39
  Speaker 5: it's going to lead to a lot of anxiety.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's so hard, right, because it's it's
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: so it's every day you're going through your life and
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: there are things just that come up and you're like, wait,
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: I didn't expect this to happen in my life today.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I didn't expect it happened in my life.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: Ever, no one, no one told me that this was
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: what it was going to be growing up, Right, you
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: were told that if you were given you had a
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: good win to a college, you got a good job,
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: and you made a decent amount of money, and you
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: found someone that you liked and you had a good
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: you would be happy, you live happily.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Ever, and you're like, well, let's talk with bullshit.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: And I don't think maybe our generation might do a
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: better job of like raising our kids that way. But
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: I think our parents just didn't have the information that
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: they were just told to pair in a certain way.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: And my generation.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: Millennials were just like, whoa wait, you can get fired
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: from a job, or like, you can get a car accident,
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: or you can make a mistake that has an effect
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: on and you're like, how do I deal with that? Right?
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: Or go to college and not get a job.
• 6:38
  Speaker 5: You know, I did you just go to school, go
• 6:40
  Speaker 5: to college, get your degree and then everything will work out.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: And then I think when you decide to let go,
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: which I love on Tethered Soul, I think when I
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: was in a low place, that book for me also
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: just like helped me accept more. But then there's also
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: this other edge of it where I think about how
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: much is like letting go too much? We're actually not
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: making decisions anymore. He's rolling dice on everything. To me
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: is actually just like an unhealthy way to take in
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: that because I think there has to be a balance
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: of actually being like ough, I.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Made this decision.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: I took this job and it's irreversible for the first
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: few months because I said I would stick it out.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: Am I actually gonna like it? And then by letting
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: go in that situation it works out. But if you
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: make a quick decision to reverse it, maybe you didn't
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: let something unfold. And so for me, I think everything
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: is gray, and I think we're told and I was
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: told or felt like black and white, good and bad,
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: and it's like no, most of life is lived in
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: the gray. Most of life is good and bad at
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: the same time. And I think we're told if we
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: do these things, we'll just be happy, and happy is good.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: It's like, no, you're going to feel happy sometimes, You're
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: going to feel sad sometimes and they you're gonna feel
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: both at the same time, and that's life. And you're like, oh,
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: I wasn't expecting that. And I think now that I
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: have more of a realization of that, I don't always
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: push to always be like, why am I not happy?
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Because I was saying that so much. I am I
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: not happy?
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: I have all these things might not happy and then
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: that resistance, which just makes me more unhappy, and I'm
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: just like oh, and then I'm starting to be like, oh,
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: these things make me happy or when I do this,
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: I feel some joy mm hmm, and then oh, when
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: that happens, I feel some sadness. And it's just like
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: labeling those feelings instead of being like, I want to
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: be happy right now.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Is that just so much resistance?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Is it the wrong goal?
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: No?
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: I think that's excellent.
• 8:23
  Speaker 5: Actually in terms of you know, when we talk about
• 8:25
  Speaker 5: happiness is not about right that happy feeling. It is
• 8:28
  Speaker 5: that general sense of contentment and life satisfaction and fulfillment.
• 8:31
  Speaker 5: And actually research shows that experiencing a mixed range of
• 8:36
  Speaker 5: emotions actually leads to the greatest amount of life satisfaction.
• 8:40
  Speaker 5: And so often, right when we're growing up, we are
• 8:42
  Speaker 5: touring don't be sad, don't be angry, certainly, don't be jealous, right,
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: but these are all emotions that we all feel as
• 8:49
  Speaker 5: human beings. So sitting with yourself and identifying like I
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: do feel sad today, or actually I do feel jealous
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: of my friend who's doing better than me right now,
• 8:57
  Speaker 5: and actually identifying, sitting with it, processing it leads to
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: us you've just kind of shed actual greater sense of contentment,
• 9:06
  Speaker 5: you know, but so many suppressed Yes.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, allowing yourself to feeel.
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: A mixed range, Yes.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Leads to a greater sense of life happiness.
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: Yes, Because think about emotions, you know, we tend to
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: categorize right emotions in kind of a positive or negative.
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: So if I say sadness or anger, you're probably going
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: to think, like, that's emotions that you don't want to feel, right,
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: and you put those in the kind of negative category,
• 9:28
  Speaker 5: and then you've got the positive. And so it seems
• 9:29
  Speaker 5: like so many times we're chasing after those positive emotions
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: and feeling bad about ourselves actually if we're feeling those
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: emotions that typically looked as negative, that and we do
• 9:40
  Speaker 5: get those messages in society, right, And so yeah, we
• 9:43
  Speaker 5: try to suppress or avoid or think something's wrong with us,
• 9:46
  Speaker 5: but actually going into it in that human way. And
• 9:49
  Speaker 5: so yeah, having a mixed experience.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: So if someone's like sad and jealous, it's a good thing.
• 9:55
  Speaker 5: I think it's a human thing, right and recognizing that
• 9:58
  Speaker 5: this too shall pass. But I'm human right now, it's
• 10:01
  Speaker 5: actually human to feel jealous when I'm just going to
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: go back to that my friend and doing better than
• 10:05
  Speaker 5: you know, something that I really wanted to be doing well.
• 10:08
  Speaker 5: And when I first started actually my training, I worked
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: in a unified school district and we went into kindergarten
• 10:14
  Speaker 5: classes and we would sit in a circle and have
• 10:16
  Speaker 5: each kindergarten go round and say how they were feeling today.
• 10:20
  Speaker 5: And what was lovely about that is they got to
• 10:21
  Speaker 5: see how their feelings change right from week to week,
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: and their friends feelings changed from week to week.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: It is funny how I don't know if I knew
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: how I couldn't label on in feelings I was thirty
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: and then now like my friend has kids, and like
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: on the fridge, there's like how are you feeling? Right?
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It's like a picture, you know, my friend.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: Lauren and her kid because the kid has a heart,
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: like the kid you know likes the yell and scream
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: a lot.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: But the kid can't label their feelings.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: And now this kid is able to be like, oh,
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: I feel that face or I feel that face. And
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: then it's like why, And I'm like, wow, that skill
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: is insane. It took me thirty years to learn that, right,
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: But we're just not taught. I mean you, I mean,
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: could you label your feelings growing up?
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: No?
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I couldn't. I definitely couldn't. I guess labeling is the
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: step to accepting that it's human. Yes, Like that's what's
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: interesting to me is that I don't accept my feelings,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Like I don't accept that this is just part of
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: the human experience. Like why, I don't know. I just don't.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: A lot of people are like, oh, you're always happy,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: because when I'm with people, I'm often in a good mood.
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: That's like my experience, and you genuinely are.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Genuinely, when I'm with people, I'm in a good mood.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: When I am alone, I beat myself up right, So
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: I could be beating myself up for like two hours,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: like watching something scrolling, like like you're You're worthless, like
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: just all that. And then I walk out of the
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: house and I see someone and I'm like, hey, right,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: and they go, You're always so happy, and I go, no,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: because I'm seeing you, right. But I definitely don't accept
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: the part of me when I'm alone as human.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: I think something that has been helpful for me. I
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: am the same way when I'm around people. I can
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: turn on right extrovert a little bit of like some
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: family shit growing up where I was like that guy
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: who just like brought people together.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: I think we can relate to that.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: But that is also like my default mode to not
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: feel my own pain. And then I realized that every
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: time I was feeling a bad emotion, I would just
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: try to avoid that pain, right. And then I realized
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: that it was actually just like a compound effect, because
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: when I would go home, it would just get worse
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: and worse and worse. And then I realized that if
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: I could just label the feeling and where it came
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: from from that moment, even if I didn't resolve the feeling,
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: I was able to notice the need to run away
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: from it, and then that moment, it just made it
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: easier for me to be like, oh, I didn't get
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: that deal done. That just means that my job might
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: be on the line, and that's really stressful for me.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: And usually if I wasn't able to label that, it
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: would just all pop up Instagram, doom scroll oh, and
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: then an insecurity away from the job, Oh I'm single,
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: or something that was not related to the bad feeling
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: would just compound and compound and compound, and then I
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: was like, oh, it actually need to do something to
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: understand that or make a decision or put an action
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: to make that feeling better, right, and then it would
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: help me more.
• 13:10
  Speaker 5: Right, And when we don't identify those feelings, that is
• 13:12
  Speaker 5: when we tend to engage in those more unhealthy coping strategies. Right,
• 13:16
  Speaker 5: we might turn to food as a coping right now
• 13:18
  Speaker 5: the food is amazing, or shopping right as a you know,
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: excessive kind of use of these coping strategies that that
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: isn't you know, actually the way right through it. It's
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: just kind of it's a way to kind of cover
• 13:30
  Speaker 5: and escape versus coming back to identifying it when more
• 13:34
  Speaker 5: likely I should probably find a healthy way out of it,
• 13:36
  Speaker 5: you know, or through it.
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: I shouldn't even say out of it is ready.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: To take a while?
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: Can you share some more about like I would love
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: to talk about like the social construct of if you
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: do these things, you should be happy, right, and especially
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: like maybe like from a I think from a guy's
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: point of you was pretty interesting because you know, I
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: think in this day and age, like men still want
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: to feel like a provider, right, And I think it's
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: important for a man, and I want my wife to work,
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: it's important for her to work.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I want to be a.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: Dad, I want all these things, right, But there is
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: like a sense of you know, innate masculinity that wants
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: you to feel like a provider. And so if you
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: have a good job and you do the right things
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: and all these things that you are told, you'll be happy.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: And then it's like for me, it's just like almost
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: the opposite because by measuring the things that I think
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: I should have, if that is the goal to make
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: me happy, it actually just causes more suffering because it's
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: like an end goal that I can never get to.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: And so like for me, the question maybe too is
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: like how does somebody not measure up for an achievement
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: to make themselves happy, but then still like be proud
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: of themselves and know that they can, you know, a
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: chief fulfillment in a way.
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So I think a few things come up for me.
• 14:49
  Speaker 5: It's that idea that, right, we attach our happiness to
• 14:52
  Speaker 5: external factors, whether that's achievement, whether that's kind of material secially,
• 14:58
  Speaker 5: whether that's even a relationship. Also, this idea that we
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: think we know what will make us happy. And I
• 15:02
  Speaker 5: think it is Dan Gilbert that has a book called
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: The Surprising Signs of Happiness where he looked at different
• 15:09
  Speaker 5: kind of case studies or lives where people had these
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: seemingly terrible things happen to them and actually found out
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: through these whether it was an injury, whether it was
• 15:20
  Speaker 5: like wrongful incarceration, something that most of us would think, gosh,
• 15:24
  Speaker 5: that's like the last thing we'd think we'd want to
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: go through to find happiness, but found that these individuals
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: came through it and actually were happier, you know than ever.
• 15:34
  Speaker 5: Whereas we project you know, the present onto the future, right,
• 15:37
  Speaker 5: so I think, well, if I do this in five
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: years that will make me happy, then I get there
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: five years later, and it's all to say we don't
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: strive as success or stripe brought goals. But it's the
• 15:46
  Speaker 5: idea that I think, I know what's going to make
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: me happy in five years. So I was thinking coming
• 15:52
  Speaker 5: back to this idea of not projecting the present onto
• 15:55
  Speaker 5: the future. You want to come back to like that
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: one day at a time, letting things, letting kind of
• 16:01
  Speaker 5: more be revealed, because none of us really know what's
• 16:03
  Speaker 5: going to happen right tomorrow, the next day, next year,
• 16:06
  Speaker 5: in several years, and so we want to be in
• 16:08
  Speaker 5: the now and to be present. But I think if
• 16:10
  Speaker 5: we come back to what you were saying earlier, also
• 16:12
  Speaker 5: make sure that each day when we're thinking about decisions,
• 16:15
  Speaker 5: like what's aligning with our personal values? Right, that's kind
• 16:18
  Speaker 5: of our compass. Does this align with my skill set,
• 16:22
  Speaker 5: my strengths, my values, and building that kind of fulfillment
• 16:26
  Speaker 5: one decision at a time, one action at a time
• 16:29
  Speaker 5: from that versus a kind of external goal that we
• 16:33
  Speaker 5: think is going to bring us that sense of fulfillment
• 16:37
  Speaker 5: just because we achieved that one thing. Right, we know
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: plenty of people that have won, you know, awards or
• 16:43
  Speaker 5: made lots of money, right, that we've been at the
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: top of their career and are still unhappy.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: Surprisingly, Yeah, it's just crazy balance like striving, like wanting
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: things right but then not holding onto them so tight
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: that your happiness is dependent.
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: On achieving exactly.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Yes, So from someone who's been who's who's research and
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: explored happiness and talk to people about like, how does
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: that work? How do you perfectly balance on that line
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: between like living a worldly life. You're in a city,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: you have a job, you want to get married, you
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: want to have kids. Like you want things right, you
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: also don't want to set yourself up.
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: To depend on that one or that one relationship or yeah, how.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Does that work in a practical way in your life?
• 17:33
  Speaker 5: So I think in a way diversifying right too, and
• 17:36
  Speaker 5: then and then coming back, I mean, what is life
• 17:38
  Speaker 5: really right? Life is a series of moments right and experiences.
• 17:42
  Speaker 5: And it kind of makes me think of Melody Beatty,
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: the author of Codependent No More.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: I've read that book every single every single page. I
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: open it up, I'm like, oh, it's it's February fifth.
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: But she also read another book.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: She's written many books, but making Miracles in forty days,
• 17:58
  Speaker 5: turning the life you have into the life you want.
• 18:00
  Speaker 5: And she talks about this gratitude list, which is very
• 18:04
  Speaker 5: different to your typical gratitude list typically. Right, we told
• 18:08
  Speaker 5: to write a gratitude list, and you have to think
• 18:10
  Speaker 5: of all the things that you're grateful for and happy
• 18:12
  Speaker 5: about in your life, which can feels sometimes challenging. I
• 18:14
  Speaker 5: think if you're not in such a you know, great place,
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: or you're not feeling so happy today, it's almost like
• 18:20
  Speaker 5: kind of faking it till you make it. But her
• 18:22
  Speaker 5: gratitude list that she talks about is putting. So say
• 18:26
  Speaker 5: you write ten things that you're grateful for today. You
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: put the things you would typically be grateful for, but
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: also the things you're struggling with on the gratitude list.
• 18:33
  Speaker 5: And that goes back to that mixed emotions, Right, we're
• 18:36
  Speaker 5: actually embracing the range of our feelings and experiences in
• 18:40
  Speaker 5: our life. Like I'm you know, I'm grateful for my
• 18:43
  Speaker 5: family or my friends, and you know, my friend came
• 18:46
  Speaker 5: over last night and you know, we had coffee and
• 18:48
  Speaker 5: you could write a little kind of paragraph about it.
• 18:50
  Speaker 5: But also and I'm grateful that I'm really struggling to
• 18:52
  Speaker 5: find a job right now, you know, And it seems
• 18:55
  Speaker 5: like the job market's really you know, not favorable, right,
• 19:00
  Speaker 5: say this, Yeah.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: You do both.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So I do this thing where I'll put on
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: a song and I'll either sit down or like just
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: walk in circles in my room and I'll just say
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: thank you to everything nice.
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: But it's the same thing.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Thank you for, you know, the conversation I had with
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Danielle and Ben today. Thank you for my health, for
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: my body, for my spirit. But then I'm also like,
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: thank you for all the ways that I struggle with
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: that friend, or I struggle with, you know, my mom,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: and thank you for how amazing my mom is. But
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: it's like going through all men like five minutes. It's
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: an incredible practice.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's weird that you were told like rite free
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: things you're grateful for, and then when you're feeling like shit,
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: you're like, I don't feel grateful. And then it's when
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: you actually I never did both. That's interesting. I hated gratitude.
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: This so much like pressure, like if you do it,
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: you'll be happy.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Right, Like, what do you mean?
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: And then you feel more shamed that you're not happy?
• 19:58
  Speaker 5: Right, Well, I know it should be happy because I
• 20:00
  Speaker 5: have this great you know, relationship or you know, my
• 20:03
  Speaker 5: family or home or whatever. It is kind of what
• 20:05
  Speaker 5: you were saying before, right, is this idea that sometimes
• 20:07
  Speaker 5: you feel like, well, society's told me I have all
• 20:09
  Speaker 5: these things what's wrong with me? That I'm not happy
• 20:12
  Speaker 5: and that I'm anxious or yeah, you know.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: And in a weird way, you're actually like positioning your
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: brain to look at how the thing you hate may
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: actually be something you are grateful for in the future.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: You're like taking on like a future perspective, right because
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: that thing well might act like the job thing. Yes,
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm grateful for how difficult it is to
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: like find a steady job right now, like that might
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: be the reason you end up at the job that
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: you're really happy, right because you didn't take on the
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: job that you would have hated but felt secure in
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: because it was giving you income. You'd never left it
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: for twenty years. But right like, yes, I like doing
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: that too, like anytime, like in relationship right now now,
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: like when I think about I'm like, you know, I
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: want to meet my person, I want to meet a
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: girl that I really love and I want to be with.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: And sometimes I'll go, I'm grateful for you know the
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: relationship that I've been in and that they haven't worked right,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: because that's the only reason I will end up being with.
• 21:17
  Speaker 4: The personal available right for that.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, otherwise I wouldn't be available in the breakup. It's
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: like I'm grateful for the breakup because that's only reason
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be with. I don't believe it in
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: the moment, you know, but saying it.
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: I totally agree with that.
• 21:31
  Speaker 5: It's like the idea, but yes, if if I'm not
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: getting the job right, I'm not getting a relationship like
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: that's because I need to be available, but that's my.
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: Job or that right, you know.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: It's yeah, if I empathize with people so much because
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: I've been there, Like everyone has their own thing.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: But a few things that I found that have been
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: really helpful, Like Jim.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: Carrey was like, if you're depressed, you're just depressing a
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: part of you that you're maybe ashamed of that you
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: don't want to tell.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: The woman about. That was like fascinating.
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: I think like that could be one experience for somebody,
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: like just you know, it's okay if you're yourself, you're going.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: To love no matter what.
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: Humans are unique and any part of you that you're
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: pushing away is actually the part that maybe people love
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: the most. And I think, like I'd never realize that.
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: I also think that like people, the word optimism for
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: me causes some anxiety because it feels like a forced pressure. Gratitude, yeah,
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: and I think society goes be optimistic, be grateful, and
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: it's like, yes, these are.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Really great things. But another word for optimists.
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: Is like I like to say, like allow, like just
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: allow things to be as they are and then you know,
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: hope that maybe they can get better or just be
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: like accept what's happening. And I think allowance an acceptance
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: during depression especially, it can be much more comforting than
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: I think gratitude and optimism. And I think people feel
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: this sense of like when am I going to get better?
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: Why am I not getting better? And it's like that
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: resistance that like actually makes more suffering. I remember just
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: like being like, oh fuck, like I'm just going to
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: allow this.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: To be here and trust that, you know.
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: But by time, and I think like there's this this
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: like this thing about just not accepting your emotions back
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: to like everyone earlier, right like if something bad happened
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: to you, like it makes complete sense that you're depressed.
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: Right, and yeah, and you are suffering.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: And okay, and I just think we're like and distress. Yeah, yeah,
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: And I just want people to feel allow themselves to feel.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: That anger, or to feel that depression, or to feel
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: that sadness and just know that like it is, like
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: even if you are a guy who has a very
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: very good job and you have a lovely partner and
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: you have a ton of friends, and it's possible, you.
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: Still might it depressed, absolutely, and.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: There isn't like one way that it happens. I just
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: think we have to be more like have that conversation
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: just a little bit more open and not so defined.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I agree with you that obviously, to feel all
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: the emotions and to accept them. And I think like
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: a big thing that I'm going to take away is
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: early on around reminding myself that these are human emotions
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: that everyone feels. Like what I am maybe beating myself up,
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: you know, reminding myself of their human emotions that everyone
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: feels that that's for whatever reason, that really helps me
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: settle a little bit, to remember that everybody feels these
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: things I'm not because we get into this comparison game
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: of you're in a big city. I'm sure everywhere, but
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: specifically you're in La. It's a big city. You're constantly
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: comparing yourself to everybody else and you're comparing. I'm sure
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: people compare themselves to me and they're like, wow, I
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: wish I could be that way for sure, and I'm like, fuck,
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I'm doing the same thing to them, and.
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: You're doing that game.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: When we compare, we dispair. Yeah, you're just you're comparing
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: yourself to someone else and they're comparing themselves to you,
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: and both of you are depressed, right because you're not
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: what you think they are.
• 24:59
  Speaker 5: And you can you can carving your inside right, what's
• 25:01
  Speaker 5: going on in your own mind, what you're feeling to
• 25:03
  Speaker 5: their outside, because those you know, people that are meeting
• 25:06
  Speaker 5: you don't know what's going on in your mind and internally,
• 25:09
  Speaker 5: but they see the outside this smiley, confident, you know,
• 25:12
  Speaker 5: self assured man.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and social media just makes that a hundred times right.
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: You're just seeing someone's outside the whole time, someone's highlight reel,
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: and then you see ten people's highlight reel and you're like, Wow,
• 25:22
  Speaker 3: everyone's life is amazing, but why isn't my life like
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: that it's like, wait, ten, You're just like it's this
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: like confirmation bias to look at everyone else who's.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Just but it's like it's so fake. And I've even dude,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I've even looked at your life.
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: Dang, I want his life or what I'm like, Wait,
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: but I want I like my life?
• 25:37
  Speaker 5: Right, And then that loneliness, right, that separation, that feeling different.
• 25:41
  Speaker 5: You know, it kind of comes back to what you
• 25:42
  Speaker 5: were saying earlier that for you, when you're around people, right,
• 25:45
  Speaker 5: you do feel a lot better. But when you go
• 25:47
  Speaker 5: into your own mind alone, that's you know, as gary
• 25:52
  Speaker 5: place to be sometimes.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, just question. It's all the questions you ask yourself.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: I will say, on the optimism thing, it's I've trained
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: myself on and I think it is a really beautiful
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: thing to train yourself on. On a form of optimism,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: I do a bunch of Tony Robbins work, and like
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: he has this concept where he's like, the quality of
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: your life is only as good as the quality of
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: your questions and thinking is really just asking yourself question
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: after question after question after question. I think it's especially
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: why like when I'm with people, I'm not thinking as
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: much because I'm engaged.
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: When I'm at home, I'm thinking exactly and I'm.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: Asking myself these questions, And a lot of the questions
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: we ask ourselves are actually very like critical questions. Why
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: aren't I doing this right? What should I be doing
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: for me? It's a lot of that, Like the mistake,
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: it's the fear of being a failure and making mistakes.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: I'm like, And so he gets you to actually practice
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: asking yourself better questions like what so like, how can
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: I appreciate the guidance and the growth in this moment?
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: You make up your own question, that's mine. How can
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: I appreciate the growth and the guidance in this moment?
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: How can I appreciate the blessings in this moment? Or
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: you know one that I did with my sister recently
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: and I you know she she I said, it's her
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: two months ago, sort of offhand, and she just yesterday was.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Like it worked nice, that's great.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: I just on a paper. What if everything goes right?
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Like, just that simple question.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I love it. You've you taught me this too, right,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: You've taught me this.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: Because I've learned it myself.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: You said, if you look towards the future.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: If you look at the future with fear, it's pain.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: If you look at the future with faith, it's joy.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Joy. Yeah.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: And your only job is going to add your fear
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: and into your faith.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 27:37
  Speaker 5: And another another way of looking at this, I think
• 27:39
  Speaker 5: it is also I was thinking when you're talking earlier
• 27:40
  Speaker 5: and matches up, is this idea of possibility, right, And
• 27:43
  Speaker 5: so thinking when you think of possibility, I think of
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: this huge.
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: Kind of range of.
• 27:50
  Speaker 5: Experiences that could happen versus I know in my own,
• 27:54
  Speaker 5: you know, personal life, when I've been in that more
• 27:55
  Speaker 5: negative state, right, I look at the.
• 27:56
  Speaker 4: Future and it's just like no possibility, you know, and
• 27:59
  Speaker 4: it's just kind of closed, narrow, you know.
• 28:02
  Speaker 5: And so even when I was sitting at traffic lights,
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: I would you know, practice kind of like what you're
• 28:06
  Speaker 5: doing just challenging that negative belief that I was having
• 28:10
  Speaker 5: and seeing possibility in front of me, you know, because
• 28:14
  Speaker 5: why not what.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: Would you do? What does a practice to see more possibility?
• 28:17
  Speaker 5: So actually, when I've facilitated groups in the past, I
• 28:20
  Speaker 5: facilitated this quiculum called seeking safety, which is actually to
• 28:23
  Speaker 5: treat PTSD and substance use same time. And so one
• 28:26
  Speaker 5: of those group lessons. The author talked about imagining yourself
• 28:32
  Speaker 5: as an explorer, right exploring kind of the world to
• 28:35
  Speaker 5: think about possibility, or an artist creating, or a scientist experimenting,
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: and so actually you could take on a role that
• 28:42
  Speaker 5: speaks to you where that role does call for possibility
• 28:48
  Speaker 5: of you know, a range of right kind of outcomes
• 28:51
  Speaker 5: in that exploration or that creativity or that experimentation.
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: So that's one way to kind of look at it.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: Possibility is interesting.
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: I like that a lot because it does feel like
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: what what in your life could be possible? And it's
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: pretty endless if you ask yourself that question. And I
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: think the questions you ask, the questions you ask are right.
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: I really like this one because I think I would
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: be like, why did this happen to me?
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: This doesn't make sense.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: It'd be like, you know what, if I just take
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: a step back, even if I believe that I can
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: still believe why did this happen?
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: But if I just introduce something.
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: A little bit more optimistic, a little bit more open,
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: then it just it it takes away the charge of
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: the feeling, and the charge of the feeling can create
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: a spiral. You're just trying to minimize that charge, and
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: I think that's been really helpful.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I totally agree.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: Why is romantic love such a big perceived piece of happiness?
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: I definitely have this fantasy that when I'm with my wife,
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: I'm just going.
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: To be.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: It's really interesting, yes, But I.
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: Think you know, romantic love if it's if it's healthy, right,
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: romantic love there is that again that into see that
• 30:00
  Speaker 5: you can have with another human being, right, and that deep,
• 30:03
  Speaker 5: deep connection of revealing, right, and that person revealing to you.
• 30:07
  Speaker 4: But we can get that when you don't have a
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: romantic relationship.
• 30:10
  Speaker 5: You can get that and obviously the other ways through
• 30:11
  Speaker 5: friendship and you know, yeah, so what do you think
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: about that?
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Like, to me, I think a lot of happiness for
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: me is like if I notice it. It's like when
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: I feel loved and enough.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: And that's my own.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: Idea of loved and enough. So like that's why I
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: think an achievement, you could be really happy because you
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: achieve something, you could also not be happy. Right when you.
• 30:34
  Speaker 4: Achieve something, how you perceive it?
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Again, it's all about how you perceive, Like, am I
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: enough because of this thing?
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: It's a story you're making up, And so there's a
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: story that we all have that if someone else goes
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: I love you and I want to spend the rest
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: of my life with you, then you're enough, right, and
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: then you're happy.
• 30:52
  Speaker 5: And I think there is something beautiful right about love
• 30:55
  Speaker 5: and partnership and sharing your life with somebody and and
• 30:59
  Speaker 5: you know, sharing your thoughts and your values and your
• 31:01
  Speaker 5: goals and all of that. So definitely to you know,
• 31:03
  Speaker 5: embrace that desire, right, But as you were talking to
• 31:08
  Speaker 5: you get too dependent on that again, then you're going
• 31:10
  Speaker 5: to be Maybe you find that person, but now you're
• 31:12
  Speaker 5: going to be afraid. I'm what if something happens and
• 31:16
  Speaker 5: you know it doesn't work out, what are you left with?
• 31:18
  Speaker 5: So I think it still comes back even if you
• 31:20
  Speaker 5: find that person to still be working on your own
• 31:23
  Speaker 5: sense of fulfilment and happiness so that you actually show
• 31:27
  Speaker 5: up more.
• 31:28
  Speaker 4: Solid right in that relationship.
• 31:29
  Speaker 5: You're more grounded within yourself and you can be close
• 31:33
  Speaker 5: to that person without worrying that you have to cling
• 31:35
  Speaker 5: or or some will cut out right because it's too
• 31:38
  Speaker 5: anxiety provoking.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: And I think if you tell yourself, I will be
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: happy when.
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: I meet that person, you are now putting pressure on
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: happiness again. As an end result, So like why Like again,
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: it's just reminding yourself that like happiness or the seeking
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: of it is the problem, right, But I also think
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: that it's it's like it's more internal for me, right that,
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: Like I value being in a relationship and I hope
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: that I feel joy with a partner, but I also
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: know that it's going to be hard, and I don't
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: think people are telling that entire story to themselves. And
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I think as we get older, we become more aware
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: and we're like, wait, now we were just.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Like watching movies whole Yeah, Like I don't know any marriage.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: It's just like peaches and cream.
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: All right, every day break Like actually a lot of work.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: And in that work there's a growth.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: My therapist said, the true sign of love is not
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: always compatibility. A lot of times it's growth, and people
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: overestimate compatibility as the most important thing.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: But if two people are willing to grow, then actually
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: that might just be a better indicator of love.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: Absolutely beautiful.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: This has been amazing, doctor Danielle.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: Thank you, This has been so fun. I love this conversation.
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: Thank you having me. I really appreciate it.
• 32:43
  Speaker 5: It's great to hit the two of you and to
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: you know, see, Yeah, your relationship with one another.
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: I have a question, yeah, question, Yeah, do you want
• 32:51
  Speaker 3: to like U for thirty seconds?
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, first me and then him?
• 32:55
  Speaker 3: Do you want to give a quick little diagnosis of
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: our strengths and weaknesses?
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Very seconds?
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you're both.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: Don't be.
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: Well.
• 33:11
  Speaker 5: My first impression is you're both very vulnerable and very
• 33:14
  Speaker 5: open and the fact that you're you know, doing this,
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: but I can just see the rapport between the two
• 33:18
  Speaker 5: of you, and I'm really impressed by the work you've done.
• 33:22
  Speaker 4: And also, you know, you've done a lot of work.
• 33:24
  Speaker 4: I can hear that, you know, I feel like I
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: can hear the therapy you've done.
• 33:32
  Speaker 5: But also I can hear by Tony Robbins and the
• 33:34
  Speaker 5: books you read and all of that. And so you're
• 33:36
  Speaker 5: both you know, super curious, right hence this podcast and
• 33:40
  Speaker 5: uh yeah, super one.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Thing like, what would you suggest that maybe we could.
• 33:47
  Speaker 5: An area right well, I think for you, going back
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: to right now, we've talked about this idea of what
• 33:52
  Speaker 5: it means to be a failure, you know, to you,
• 33:54
  Speaker 5: and and the uncertainty is while sitting with the uncertainty,
• 33:57
  Speaker 5: that's really kind of what I can take away, Yeah,
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: is there like a yeah.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's stop. Stop trying to always go out.
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: Just just fucking chill guy, work on your failure.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: Just accept that.
• 34:13
  Speaker 4: Keeping it simple, keep.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: Keeping it simple. Not always overthinking.
• 34:19
  Speaker 4: Easy doesn't keep it You want to get exactly right.
• 34:27
  Speaker 5: Accept and so another thing that you can work on. Well,
• 34:33
  Speaker 5: I feel like your pert.
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: Nobody's perfect.
• 34:49
  Speaker 5: Right, I'm going to ask you out of today, what
• 34:56
  Speaker 5: would you take away from today? I know you want
• 34:58
  Speaker 5: me to say, what would you take away from today?
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: At truths?
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what would I take away?
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: I think reminding myself when I'm on that I that
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: is the mountain analogy that I have to keep reminding
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: myself that even if I'm down, I'm not all the
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: way down.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: That I'm like, I'm still on the mountain and I've
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: climbed so far up right, and thence people forget all
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: that work you've done in the past that builds up
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to it.
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: I think it's just like a good reminder for me
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: to know that, like, I'm still much higher than I
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: was before, and it's all just like I'm climbing my
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: entire life.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Amazing, amazing, Hey, thanks for listening. We appreciate you.
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: If you enjoyed this episode and us embarrassing ourselves and
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: talking about our feelings, You are definitely going to like
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: everything else.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: Follow along on Instagram at free Therapy, and we'll see
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: you next time.