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Avoidance: The Quiet Habit That Shrinks Your Life With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's CALLI here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I have spent years studying ACT, which stands for
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but we like to just call
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: it ACT. And one of the core principles is exactly
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  Speaker 1: what it says, and that is around acceptance. So in ACT,
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  Speaker 1: acceptance means opening up to the present moment as it is.
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  Speaker 1: It's allowing our inner experience to be there even when
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  Speaker 1: it's super uncomfortable. So if you wake up feeling jittery
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  Speaker 1: or filled with worried thoughts, or you have low energy
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  Speaker 1: or flat, and that's what you open up to, not
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  Speaker 1: because you like it, not because it's comfortable, but because
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  Speaker 1: it's what's here. And the opposite of acceptance in ACT
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  Speaker 1: is something that we call experiential avoidance. So this is
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  Speaker 1: when we're not willing to feel what we feel, we
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  Speaker 1: can try and push the discomfort away and fix it
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  Speaker 1: or numb it or distract ourselves from it. And because
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  Speaker 1: we're human, if we let ourselves, we start to avoid.
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  Speaker 1: So we go into this avoidance mode and we all
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  Speaker 1: do it, and sometimes it doesn't have much impact in
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  Speaker 1: our lives at all, and it's actually fairly harmless. But
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  Speaker 1: the kind of avoidance that we look at in act
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  Speaker 1: is the avoidance that costs us something. So this is
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  Speaker 1: when the avoidance strategies can be problematic. So the avoidance
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  Speaker 1: narrows our life, it narrows our world. It's the avoidance
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  Speaker 1: that pulls us away from the person that we really
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  Speaker 1: want to be and how we want to spend our
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  Speaker 1: time and how we want to show up for our
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  Speaker 1: cells and for others. So take a moment right now
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  Speaker 1: and just reflect on your own patterns. So ask yourself,
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  Speaker 1: what do I tend to avoid because it feels uncomfortable?
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  Speaker 1: And when I avoid it, what does that choice cost me?
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  Speaker 1: So I would put money on one of the top
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  Speaker 1: avoidant strategies today being scrolling on social media. And look,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes that's fine, I do it too, But the goal
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  Speaker 1: isn't to live this perfect life. The goal is awareness.
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  Speaker 1: It's this ability to pause, even briefly, and ask ourselves
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  Speaker 1: what am I trying to avoid right now? And is
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  Speaker 1: this really how I want to spend my time? Because
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  Speaker 1: for many of us, young, old, everyone in between, scrolling
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  Speaker 1: is no longer a harmless distraction. It becomes kind of
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  Speaker 1: the default escape. So ours can disappear into other people's
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  Speaker 1: lives while our own life is just quietly put on hold.
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  Speaker 1: And of course scrolling isn't just the only avoid strategy,
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  Speaker 1: it's one of a thousand ways that we can avoid discomfort.
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  Speaker 1: So think about something really simple, like avoiding doing the
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  Speaker 1: dishes because it's boring and you'd rather be doing something
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  Speaker 1: more interesting. So the dishes pile up on the sink,
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  Speaker 1: they start to smell, and eventually you run out of
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  Speaker 1: plates and pots and pans. This is a simple example,
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  Speaker 1: but one that clearly shows how avoidance creates bigger problems
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  Speaker 1: over time. Another example which are more complex and kind
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  Speaker 1: of harder to catch. So what about avoiding exercise because
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  Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient for you? So your mind
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  Speaker 1: will is so good at coming up with very reasonable
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  Speaker 1: arguments as to why you shouldn't exercise, so you're too tired,
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  Speaker 1: or oh you exercised yesterday, your body is telling you
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  Speaker 1: to rest. You know, I hear the listening to your
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  Speaker 1: body reasoning all the time. The key question is whether
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  Speaker 1: that is genuine care you know it could be, or
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  Speaker 1: whether it's an avoidant strategy your clever mind has come
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  Speaker 1: up with and even if you are tired, that doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean that you have to avoid exercise altogether. You can
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  Speaker 1: always scale it back. The skill is noticing the excuses
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  Speaker 1: without automatically obeying them. Or what about avoiding the stress
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  Speaker 1: of the day by reaching for a glass of wine
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  Speaker 1: not because you truly want it, but because you want
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  Speaker 1: that noise inside your head just to quieten down. You
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  Speaker 1: want to turn that volume down. So one glass of
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  Speaker 1: wine might be fine, but if it turns into a
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  Speaker 1: second or a third, and it's a Tuesday, it's worth
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  Speaker 1: asking yourself what am I trying to numb here? Like
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  Speaker 1: work stress, family pressures, financial worries. Over time, drinking alcohol
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  Speaker 1: every night often adds secondary stress on tip of the
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  Speaker 1: original stress. So act would call these away moves. These
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  Speaker 1: are behaviors that pull us away from the kind of
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  Speaker 1: life that we want to live when discomfort shows up.
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  Speaker 1: And the truth is, experiential avoidance works in the short term,
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  Speaker 1: and I think that's something we need to acknowledge. It
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  Speaker 1: does give temporary relief, you know, a little numbing, little distraction,
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  Speaker 1: a little quiet mind inside. But over time, what avoidance
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  Speaker 1: does is narrows our world. It erodes our confidence, It
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  Speaker 1: dampens resilience. It keeps us living from fear and reaction
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  Speaker 1: rather than purpose and intention. So what's the alternative? Values? Values? Values?
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  Speaker 1: At the core of act is clarifying your values. These
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  Speaker 1: are the things that are important to you, deep in
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  Speaker 1: your heart, the kind of person you want to be,
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  Speaker 1: the qualities that you want to express in different in
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  Speaker 1: the different areas of your life. So you know, for example,
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  Speaker 1: what does healthy look like to you in action? What
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  Speaker 1: does connected mean in your behavior? What does courageous look
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  Speaker 1: like when things feel really hard? And notice I said
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  Speaker 1: what does it look like? Not how you feel? What
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  Speaker 1: does being a present parent, partner, or friend look like
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  Speaker 1: in real life? And then you can gently hold those
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  Speaker 1: values alongside your avoidance habits and just compare what is
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  Speaker 1: aligned here. If you value health but avoid movement by
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  Speaker 1: scrolling endlessly, then there's a mismatch. If you value meaningful
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  Speaker 1: connection but are saying no to social events because discomfort
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  Speaker 1: shows up, then there's a mismatch. If you value being
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  Speaker 1: a positive role model that stress triggers yelling. Again, that's
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  Speaker 1: not a character flaw, It's just an opportunity to notice
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  Speaker 1: that your behavior isn't aligned with your values, and values
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  Speaker 1: are not about leading this perfect life. They're more about direction,
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  Speaker 1: so they're like your compass. So where your values appointing you,
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  Speaker 1: that's the behavior that you follow. So here's my invitation
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  Speaker 1: to you this week. Notice one moment, and it can
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  Speaker 1: just be one where avoidance shows up. And it's important
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  Speaker 1: that you don't judge yourself. You don't try and fight it.
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  Speaker 1: I just want you to notice it. And when you
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  Speaker 1: feel that urge to scroll or pour the wine, or
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  Speaker 1: skip the round or the gym, or back out of
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  Speaker 1: something that actually does matter, just pause, take a slow,
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  Speaker 1: deep breath, place one hand on your chest if it helps,
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  Speaker 1: and name what's there. So this is boredom, this is anxiety,
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  Speaker 1: this is fear of being judged, this is overwhelmed, And
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  Speaker 1: then gently ask yourself, what's one small move I could
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  Speaker 1: make that points me towards the person I want to
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  Speaker 1: be despite how I feel. So we're acknowledging those feelings,
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  Speaker 1: but they are not dictating what we choose to do next.
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  Speaker 1: Because at the heart of act, you don't need to
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  Speaker 1: eliminate the discomfort to live well. You just need to
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  Speaker 1: be willing, even slightly, to feel what you feel and
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  Speaker 1: still choose the life that matters to you. Avoidance strategies
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  Speaker 1: are always going to show up in your mind and
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  Speaker 1: that is normal. But your values can lead if you
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  Speaker 1: pause long enough to allow them, and every choice you
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  Speaker 1: make in the direction of your values moves you towards
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  Speaker 1: the life that you want to live, even when the
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  Speaker 1: discomfort comes along for the ride. So this week, notice
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  Speaker 1: the avoidance, make room for the discomfort, and take one
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  Speaker 1: small step towards your values, and that is how your
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  Speaker 1: life changes. It is one choice at a time. So
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  Speaker 1: thank you for listening to this week's Mojo Monday. If
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  Speaker 1: you are listening to this in the week of Christmas
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  Speaker 1: and you do celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a
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  Speaker 1: lovely day. And if you're going on holidays, enjoy and
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  Speaker 1: I will catch you next week. See yu