Latest / Libido Lounge / How to Find Pleasure by Being Present | Tips from Callie David

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How to Find Pleasure by Being Present | Tips from Callie David · Libido Lounge

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  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
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  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
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  Hey, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on The Lounge.
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  I'm your libido expert, doctor Diane Mueller.
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  And I'm thrilled to be introducing you guys to another dear friend of mine, Callie David.
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  And we're gonna talk about so many great things.
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  I first wanna introduce you.
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  Callie is an amazing holistic somatic therapist.
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  She has a background in family and marriage counseling and is a very dear friend of mine.
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  And we're gonna have a great conversation today about presence and about this concept that in
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  order to feel pleasure, we actually have to be in our body and we have to be present to our
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  surroundings.
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  We have to be present to our feelings.
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  And so many times throughout the day, we find ourselves thinking about something that's not
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  in the moment, worried about something that's not in the moment, and we're not actually in
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  our bodies experiencing pleasure.
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  And and truly, the practice of pleasure is the practice of presence.
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  So thank you for being with me today.
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  I'm gonna I'm really excited for our conversation, Callie.
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  Thank you so much for having me, Diane.
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  This is just such an honor to be here with you today and excited to dive in.
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  It's going to be really juicy.
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  Yeah, it is.
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  Well, let's get right to it.
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  So let's jump into with, you know, with your work on holistic somatic therapy, how do you
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  really define this concept of presence or being inside of one's body?
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  Maybe let's start with that foundation.
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  Yeah.
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  I love that because I get questions that all the time.
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  People are like, what does that actually mean to be in my right body?
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  And it actually means to have slow your pace down enough in life to actually be able to feel
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  the physical sensations in your body.
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  I'm not even talking about processing emotions that can come up when we are actually present
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  and here in the moment.
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  But it really is, like, can I just feel my, like, breath down to my toes?
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  Can I feel my sit bones?
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  Like, that's what it means to actually live a body here live a life here instead of
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  constantly in our head.
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  When we are in our head and we are thinking, we are not in the present moment.
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  Right?
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  We are either in the past or we are in the future.
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  So it's probably pretty obvious to people in listening to that, but let's go a little bit
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  deeper within, like, how do you and your mind connect that to the experience of pleasure to
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  libido to the whole human sexuality process?
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  Love this.
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  So I wanna first break down when I hear the word pleasure.
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  Right?
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  Many people, and I'm sure listeners are thinking, like, pleasure is so associated with
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  release of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin, and it must feel gooey and yummy and
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  delightful.
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  Right?
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  That's how, like, society talks about what pleasure is.
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  But pleasure can also be found in those moments of feeling angst and despair and sadness and
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  frustration.
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  And that's where I really actually love this conversation is when we can open it up beyond
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  just this idea of it feeling really juicy and yummy, that we can actually find pleasure, we
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  can find opening pathways when we just allow what is actually wanting to come through in the
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  present moment and not rejecting it.
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  So the second that we break free break free from that paradigm is when we can actually
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  allow the emotions to come through in the present.
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  And then when my heart is breaking or, like, my stomach is angsty, I can breathe into that.
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  Right?
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  I can get out of my head.
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  I can feel the sensations, and that actually becomes pleasurable.
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  And that's when I feel like we become, like, inner alchemist of our experiences.
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  Like, it actually allows those sensations to move through quicker.
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  I love that.
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  And when when you're talking, it's really bringing me back, and I'll let our audience
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  know that that you and I met in central dance class.
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  And, you know, that's what we were doing, right, in our sensual dance classes was really
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  bringing in our anger, our frustration, our grief, our sadness, our joy, our laughter,
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  like, any emotion, and then feeling how it felt to be in our pleasure body experiencing that
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  emotion.
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  So I know this is a really new concept for people.
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  So do you have any thoughts before we get into more techniques and how people do this?
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  Do you like how how does the the mental mind really balance this whole thing?
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  Because it it's almost like paradoxical, right, around, like, wait, I can feel anger and
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  pleasure at the same time.
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  I can feel grief and pleasure at the same time.
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  So how does how does the mind really then
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  start to understand that and and manage what
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  seems so paradoxical in old ways, right, with neuroplasticity.
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  It's gonna wanna connect old patterns.
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  Old ways, right, with neuroplasticity.
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  It's gonna wanna connect old patterns.
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  So it's first just allowing it to actually all be okay.
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  And we're not trying to actually cut off the mind or the ego here.
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  So when you are actually trying to make this connection, it's just being aware of the mind's
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  thoughts, the mind's chatter, the mind's trying to make this right or wrong, and just letting
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  that actually be there.
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  The more that we allow the mind, the thoughts, all that to be there, we simply come back to
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  present so much quicker.
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  Right?
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  A lot of practices I see talk about, like, keeping yourself coming back from present or
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  coming back from the past or the future.
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  And sometimes that can almost create shame, right, of, like, you can't experience pleasure
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  there.
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  Just realize when you're not there, and your body's natural alignment will be to come back
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  to present.
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  Does that make sense?
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  Absolutely.
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  What's actually even coming up for me some right in this moment is one of the things I'll
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  talk about sometimes, especially in in group work, is asking women in particular, because I
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  think this is more of a tendency with women during, intercourse or sexual play for the mind
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  to wander.
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  So I'll ask women, like, how many of you guys have ever found yourself doing the grocery list
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  during sex?
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  Right?
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  Or, like, the my like, what am I on, you know, the next day?
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  And it's really it's really common.
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  And I think what you're talking about there around, like, oh, the mind wanders, like, bring
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  it back to pleasure is, like, that also we can we can take into our sex life.
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  Right?
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  We can take into our intimate life.
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  We can take into our couple life, our our personal play in order to just enjoy that
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  moment.
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  And if our mind wanders in that moment, bringing it back.
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  So it's essentially like a form of meditation.
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  Right?
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  It really is.
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  And I love how you frame that.
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  I was actually just this morning in my own just practice of feeling my body, feeling what was
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  present.
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  Right?
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  This is my own, like, my pleasure practice doesn't have to look a certain way.
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  It doesn't have to necessarily mean, like, masturbating or in love with your partner.
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  Right?
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  It could be in the own presence of your own bed, own space, slowing it down.
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  And I realized I was like, oh, I kinda like being in my head.
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  Like, oh, I like distracting myself.
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  Oh, I like keeping myself from my body.
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  And just in that, when I took the shame away and I kinda made it a little kinky of, like,
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  oh, you're kind of into that, I dropped into my body.
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  It was like I was near where it was at.
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  I've like because it was wanting, you know, with everything going on in society today and
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  culturally and politically, it was wanting to get caught up in everything.
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  And I was like, oh, you're just, like, stuck in your head today, aren't you?
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  And I swear, just meeting it there with a little bit of kink and a little bit of play
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  brought me right back into my body.
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  And I've been able to heal that.
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  Yeah.
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  You're giving me
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  chills when you say that.
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  Right?
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  Because I think there's so much juiciness there and, like, just like that self shame that
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  really gets in the way of us experiencing pleasure and just like like, like, finding,
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  like you said, like, the kink in it and finding that, oh, I look at you.
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  You're being bad.
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  Do you like to be in your head right now?
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  Like, it's really it's really playful and it's really, compassionate and it really helps to
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  drop that shame.
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  So, you know, from the standpoint then of, like, more tools and exercises, and I know you
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  do so much in your work.
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  I've been since we've been friends, I've, like, been following every email you write.
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  So I track you closely on all the the great offerings that that you're doing in the world.
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  And so with your work, what are you seeing around pleasure, around getting back in one's
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  body, around being present as, like, techniques and tools and starting places for people?
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  Yeah.
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  So as far as starting places and I would say, actually, no matter where you are in your
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  journey, let's simplify all of this.
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  And when we really start coming back to presence, like, just like you introduced
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  earlier.
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  Right?
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  We we can't incorporate pleasure if we don't come back to present.
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  So I love incorporating the senses, and that's really sensual for me.
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  Right?
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  We we just even break down senses.
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  I love coming back to sensory experiences to get myself into the present moment.
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  That not only allows the present moment, but it allows my body to start awakening to what's
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  around me.
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  And so when it comes to practices, it really is coming back to basics.
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  First, safety.
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  That's always gonna be really big.
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  Notice where you are.
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  Find a space where you do feel safe, whether it's in nature or your home.
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  Notice the doors, the walls.
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  Right?
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  You're just already starting to awaken your senses through what you see.
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  And then if you do feel safe enough, closing your eyes and starting to hear the sounds and
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  not just connecting through the mind of, like, I hear the birds, but how does that sound
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  whisper and almost tickle your system?
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  So then you bring it in a little bit more.
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  How does the sound of the AC?
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  Is it kind of frustrating me?
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  Well, what does the frustration feel like in your body?
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  So you're really just taking it's a grounded sensory approach to bringing your awareness
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  from the external to the internal, all while staying connected to your breath.
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  So our breath is gonna be and I teach breath work day in and day out, and this is, like, the
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  core to everything.
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  Right?
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  It's like, if you aren't breathing, you're not allowing your body to soak in all this whole
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  experience.
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  So really bringing it down into, like, your sacral, your lower belly, feeling that
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  expansion of life in you and letting it out.
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  So it's just a fun it's a somatic exercise and exploration, of really allowing yourself to
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  come back to what is without forcing anything.
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  It's such an important distinction.
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  I feel like you're making the, like, the listening to the sound versus because that's I
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  feel like that's talked about a lot.
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  Right?
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  But it's a very, very different layer to add on that.
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  Well, what is that what's truly happening in my body in relationship to that?
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  That's such a, like, deeper layer of tuning in.
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  So I really love that.
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  And then I'm I'm also curious around what you see from a standpoint of libido, of play, of
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  pleasure.
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  Like, where does that come in?
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  Like, is it do you see this as, like, something that oftentimes when we're talking about breath
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  work and, pleasure exercise or presence exercises, I should say?
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  Do you see this as things that people are doing, like, both outside of the bedroom, just
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  kind of in their daily life to really work on their pleasure?
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  But then do you also see, like, hey, where like like, is there space to come together and and
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  say do these types of present pleasure types of activities within the tie or the context of a
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  more intimate moment?
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  Yes.
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  Yes to both.
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  Yes.
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  So what you cultivate in your own practice is how you're gonna show up with your partner.
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  And if you are struggling with, like, low libido, it really is, like, the simplicity of
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  it, taking the shame out of it.
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  It's this life force that actually is wanting to come through you.
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  And right?
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  And we create so much of our libido, our eros, our life energy, and our sacral.
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  And so I definitely recommend couples in their own practices to start bringing breath,
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  awareness, aliveness into their own practice.
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  Right?
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  And when it comes to practices, at the end, I'll offer something, but, really, it could
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  just be as simple as in your own morning practices, really grounding down, feeling your
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  life force, feeling any tension where you don't feel life force.
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  Right?
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  There's some also activating pranayama breath that we can increase too.
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  But then my favorite is then coming together when you are in the bedroom with your partner,
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  not even actually in intercourse, but before intercourses, there's some really get on the
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  exercises that if we have time, I can or if this is a good time, I can kinda go into and
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  explain some of that as well.
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  Yeah.
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  Let's do that.
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  I think that sounds like a great place to go.
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  I'll be quick on this, but, so eye gazing.
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  And if that makes your whole body just clench, perfect.
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  That's your medicine.
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  Just slowing the system down enough to be able to meet your partner eye to eye.
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  And so to get really logistical with this, I love saying the left eye.
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  I love having you know, you and I could even practice right now.
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  Just point to your left eye.
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  Right?
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  And because normally, it looks like the right from your partner, and then you put the down.
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  And then just for, like, a few minutes, you really just gaze into your partner's eyes
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  without leaving your body.
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  Right?
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  Because when we talk about presence, presence isn't merging with someone else.
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  It's actually staying back.
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  It's leaning back, and it's wondering what is coming up for me as I'm meeting in union my
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  partner, as I'm as I'm becoming present, as I'm cultivating this energy with them, what's
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  happening in my body.
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  I think a lot of times we talk about, like, merging with your partner and feeling their
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  energy and no.
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  No.
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  No.
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  A lot of this practice is actually, what do I feel?
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  How can I be present in my own body as I meet them?
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  So eye gazing really big and then, you know, just for, like, a couple moments, a couple
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  minutes to start out with.
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  Notice the fear.
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  Notice the giggles.
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  All of it is perfect.
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  And then to even deepen it would be consensual touch, not leading to foreplay, but one on one
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  to one really moving then to once the breath is synced.
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  Right?
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  Once you eye gaze, the breath naturally syncs with each other, and then it would be just like
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  a touch on someone's back or touch on your partner's leg.
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  And just notice right there, how do I feel with my partner's touch feeling me?
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  And then you can get really playful with this.
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  You can eventually lead up to more eroticism, kind of teasing, playing with that energy flow.
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  You will literally feel the eros and the libido, like, increasing through your system
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  before anything happens.
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  So, anyway, that was just a little bit of a lot of tools, but I'm always here to dive in more
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  with all of them.
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  Oh, it's this is so great because I know so many people.
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  Like, one of the things that comes up a lot for me and people I talk to and and work with is
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  this concept of maybe being in a long term relationship.
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  Right?
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  And, like, forgetting how to flirt, not having intimacy in a long time and it feels, like,
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  awkward to, like, dive right in and wanting to add more foreplay.
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  Because even though you're saying, like, okay, well, we're not doing erotic touch, like, even
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  the eye gazing to me is still, like, kind of a form of foreplay.
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  Right?
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  Because we're still connecting.
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  Right?
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  There's still, in some ways, when we're holding our energy back, when we're, you know,
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  connecting like that, to me, it's, like, actually very erotic because it's kind of that
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  tease of, like, I see you.
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  I'm here.
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  But I'm still way I'm still in my body.
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  So it's, like, almost as, like, there's a a tease I feel in that as well.
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  So I think there's, like, so many opportunities to even use practices like this as ways for
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  couples that may have been out of the practice with being intimate and close in a while, like,
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  for a while as a way of starting to reconnect in a way that feels gentle and safe and not
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  rushing it and just allowing their their energies to match, like you're talking about,
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  and to communicate and to touch each other, without losing oneself.
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  So I absolutely love all of that.
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  And I'm wondering if we should go into now into now our, breath work practice that we're gonna
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  do for everybody and that we're gonna that you wanted to lead.
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  Before we do that, just in case people are driving and, like, can't do this and have to
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  get off the, you know, the call here before we do this this explorative exercise, I wanna make
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  sure that everybody knows how, to get a hold of you and that you have a free it's a free breath
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  work exercise that you're giving away.
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  Is that right?
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  Yeah.
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  So, it would be an honor to offer it to y'all, and it's just a just like what we talked about.
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  It's a breath, but also a somatic practice to really keep you in your body and just be aware
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  of what's happening in the present moment.
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  You could practice this by yourself or you can bring this into your practice with your
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  partner.
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  Both of y'all lying down together, both of y'all getting curious.
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  It's an amazing time just to kind of come back together in union, in presence, in slowness.
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  And the best way to get to, contact me would either be through Instagram, underscore Cali
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  David or my website, www.CaliDavid.com.
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  And we'll, of course, have all of that information and your freebie in there.
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  And I know we talked offline offline about a amazing group program you have coming up called
• 18:12
  Beloved, and that people will have information in the show notes of how to get a hold of that
• 18:17
  as well.
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  So amazing.
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  Well, let's go into our experiential portion of today.
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  How do we wanna begin?
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  So this will just be about two to three minutes.
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  But when you want to practice it, you can, you know, of course, make it a little longer.
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  But first, finding a comfy place, making sure you're not driving, get cozy, take that nice
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  big breath in.
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  On the exhale, let it
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  all out.
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  Begin to slowly close your eyes or lower your gaze.
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  Feeling your sit bones underneath you, your back against the chair or on the bed, hearing
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  any sounds around you.
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  Starting to bring your awareness in a little bit closer into your body, and really breathing
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  in through the nose and having your belly expand on that inhale nice and slow and exhale
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  through your nose.
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  Nice and slow.
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  And so with each breath, imagine that you're bringing and breathing in warmth, softness,
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  comfort, and just feel that filling up your body.
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  And on that exhale, just letting any tension go.
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  And then one last little practice in today will be actually needing any tension.
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  So if you have somewhere in your body, maybe it's your neck or your stomach where you're
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  feeling tension, just breathe in right there.
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  Breathe in warmth and love.
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  Breathe into that sensation, and then let it all out.
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  Just notice how the gentle act of presence can sometimes even soften this tension.
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  And if you want to, after this practice, you can come back and just stay curious around it.
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  You can ask some questions.
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  Whenever you're ready, we'll just take one last big breath in.
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  Fill up your body with joy, with love, with openness.
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  And on that exhale, you'll open your eyes and just shoot that energy out beyond your field.
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  And coming back to the here and the now.
• 21:04
  So that was Two
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  minutes go so fast.
• 21:07
  It was so wonderful.
• 21:09
  And I I wanna make sure to, give a personal testimony too about your work because I
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  remember the first time that we were, that you led me through breath work in dance class, and
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  we are out in our teacher's backyard laying down in her on her grass.
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  And this exercise that you took me through, like, the closest thing that I can explain it
• 21:29
  to is that, like, a cervical, like, divine type of orgasm where there's, like, this connection
• 21:36
  to something divine, right, something beyond us.
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  And it was just so incredible.
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  And that was, like, the moment I, like, totally fell in love with you around, like, this woman
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  is a goddess.
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  She's amazing.
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  She's got this figured out.
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  So I'd hope everybody got a lot out of our whole our whole time together out of that
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  exercise.
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  And I really do encourage everybody go check out your work because it's truly just a such a
• 21:59
  gift to the world.
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  So thanks for being here with me today, Cali.
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  Thank you so much for having me.
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  The joy and the love for you just never ends.
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  I feel like it grows and grows.
• 22:09
  So thank you for having me.
• 22:11
  Thank you for everyone for listening, and feel free to reach out if you have any questions or
• 22:16
  wanna dive into the GCBRAD offering.
• 22:20
  Perfect.
• 22:20
  And then just as a reminder, everybody, we are coming close to our end of 2024 year here.
• 22:28
  And remember this year, we are downloading, we are sharing episodes, we are making comments,
• 22:35
  and whoever gets the most download shares, comments, etcetera, we are inviting them back
• 22:40
  for a deep dive at the end of the year.
• 22:42
  So please download please download this, please share this with your friends, please don't keep
• 22:47
  us a secret.
• 22:48
  And thanks again for listening.
• 22:50
  This is doctor Diane, your libido doc, signing off here reminding you to always stay classy,
• 22:55
  always stay sexy, and always be a little badassy.
• 22:58
  We'll see you next time.
• 23:02
  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
• 23:05
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 23:06
  Please share this with your friends.
• 23:08
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.