Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Can't Be Open With Your Partner

Transcript

When You Can't Be Open With Your Partner · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we're talking about when
• 0:10
  you can't be open with your partner and when it's very hard
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  for you to be really open and honest with them and we'll talk
• 0:17
  about where this is likely rooted and how it can sabotage,
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  your feelings of closeness with in your relationship and a lot
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  more first, I must tell you to subscribe as I always do.
• 0:28
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  you should not express your needs, all sorts of things that
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  are covered in my podcast episode.
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  So you do not have access to, if you are still holding out and
• 0:55
  not a subscriber yet. So now let's turn to the topic
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  at hand which is when you can be open with your partner.
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  So if you did not see a loving well, maybe maybe you did think
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  it was loving, but if you do not see an open and genuine
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  communication style between your parents growing up, it is kind
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  of difficult to know what the hell that looks like.
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  And frequently people think that in a relationship we just kind
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  of don't say everything were thinking and listen, you're
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  right. If your wife looks ugly and her
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  dress, you don't say it. If your husband is like the
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  worst one on his softball team of, like all, like dad's you
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  don't have to say that. But what you there, there's a
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  difference between white lies and Not feeling comfortable, to
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  express your genuine feelings. And the thing is is you can't
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  really feel deeply known and loved if you don't allow
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  somebody to deeply know you. And so if you have vast parts of
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  your personality and your life philosophy, and your goals, and
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  your thoughts and dreams that you are hiding from your spouse.
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  I mean, you may not think of it as hiding, but it's just, they
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  don't know it, right? So I mean unless the opposite of
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  out They're hidden you know and you you really can never feel
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  truly loved for who you are unless you show the entirety of
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  who you are. Now this comes obviously at a
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  cost because you need to trust somebody and be vulnerable and
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  if they're not going to be nice to you then you and you've
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  learned this in the past because maybe you've tried to bring up
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  other things and they were nice to you.
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  Then certainly then you are not that dissuade you from trying to
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  in future open up as it would for anybody.
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  But there are a lot of people who blame their partner for not
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  for them, not being able to open up when, in reality, if they
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  look at a deeper, they're really not able to open up to anybody.
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  And it don't fully trust anybody.
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  And this is really something that they learned growing up and
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  they may even have subconsciously picked a partner
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  whom it was difficult to open up to because this goes along with
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  how they think about the world. Also many people are especially
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  if they grew up in dysfunctional families, they're extremely
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  rejection sensitive. Another term is rejection
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  dysphoria, and if you're Googling, if you're a googler
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  and so let's say, so let me give an example.
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  So let's say that you are a woman.
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  You said to your husband years ago, you said, you know,
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  sometimes I really wonder if I could be an interior designer
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  instead of a teacher. And he said, oh yeah.
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  Well, God knows you got expensive taste.
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  I don't know if anybody could afford you and then you turn
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  around a shame. Thinking that he laughed at your
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  deep desire to just transition careers thinking that he always
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  has to bring everything back to money and somehow you feel just
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  terrible for having exposed yourself.
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  I mean like literally people tell me these conversations and
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  then they'll turn the the you know, like in couples
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  counseling. Let's say the husband is there
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  and he's like, you were serious. I didn't know you were serious.
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  Why didn't you ever bring it up again?
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  The conversation was like 10 years ago and she's like, Well,
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  you certainly shared all over it then.
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  And so, why would I? I mean, You know how many like
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  it like misunderstandings there are like this in couples
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  counseling. So those are just the tip of the
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  iceberg just like cockroaches for everyone.
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  That you see there's 100 in the wall.
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  It's the same thing. So there are usually multiple
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  things going on. When people do not share their
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  deep feelings, a, they were raised not to do so.
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  And be there have been many moments where they may have
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  tried. They may have tried as a kid and
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  got shamed by a parent they may have tried as an adult in got
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  shamed by significant other But also, they may be very, very
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  rejection sensitive such that they hear shame everywhere or
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  their parents were genuinely shaming.
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  And then subsequently, there are over sensitive to any sort of
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  thing that isn't 100% enthusiastic sincere backing,
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  which people can always do because they honestly don't even
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  know what level of serious you are or what you mean or like and
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  any number of things you know, or let's say that you're a man.
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  Man, and you say, well, I can never be sexually open with my
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  wife because this one time I said back on the honeymoon, just
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  a couple been married. Let's say 20 years.
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  This is not uncommon to hear this level, you know, how many
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  years ago, empathic ruptures have been as I discussed in my
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  podcast about empathic ruptures but he'll say well you know
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  years ago I said it would be fun if you would dress up like that
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  meaning some sort of thing outfit Kink thing and you
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  laughed and you said oh yeah and your dreams and I was shamed.
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  That's why I have not subsequently for the next two
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  decades, brought up with you, my ongoing interest in latex or
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  whatever the fuck, right? And the woman was like what that
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  was real. You wanted me, why didn't you
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  say it again? I mean, you know, I was 20 I
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  probably would have done it, you know Ivy like you there's always
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  these kinds of things and sometimes the woman will be like
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  oh no I wasn't going to do that, you know, but I did think you
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  took it that hard I mean I would have done other stuff.
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  And so when yes there are certainly situations where
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  you're in a toxic relationship and the person just, you know,
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  laughs at you and shames you and is emotionally abusive.
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  This is not the majority of the people who are listening to my
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  podcast trying to save their relationships.
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  The majority of people are not in that sort of situation.
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  Thankfully, they're in a situation where there are some
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  sorts of disconnects, but overall, they do feel loved and
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  respected by their partner. So in that case, you really have
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  to look internally and you have to say, how would I actually If
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  I had been raised in a different sort of more functional,
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  normative household that did not erode my self-esteem, maybe in
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  that case. Let's use the most.
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  Recent example, I would have said, oh, yeah, no, I really do
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  like that kind of outfit. I'm excited.
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  I want actually to buy one for you.
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  Would you try it one time? That's what a guy would say.
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  Who doesn't expect to be rejected, right?
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  Or in the other one she would say, no, no, I'm serious.
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  I want to be an interior designer.
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  I'm thinking of not working. I hate teaching and I want to
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  transition out of it and I thought maybe if I got a couple
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  of clients then then that would be something that wouldn't even
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  give us as big of an income head or whatever.
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  So you see the difference? Obviously, if you come off as
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  somebody who expects people to take you, seriously, when you
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  open up and expect people to be genuinely, curious and
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  interested, and empathic, then you that's a self-fulfilling
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  prophecy. Then you project that and you,
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  when somebody doesn't believe you or laughs, or Then you you
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  double down and you say no no but listen again and you kind of
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  not defend your position in a way that implies defensive or
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  something that there's an attack but you you know you re stayed
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  and you are serious and you really say what you mean and the
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  other time by the way that people say that oh, it doesn't
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  go well, like you say to be open with my partner, but it doesn't
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  go well with my partner. And I said, well, what are you
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  talking about? Well, I told my partner that
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  they are the reason that I'm so miserable.
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  Abel and it's really not just them.
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  I really think that it is the way that they were raised and,
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  you know, they were to completely, not open to hearing
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  my open discussion about how much they suck.
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  Yeah. Oh hey, wow, no shit.
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  So if the if the sum total of your prior experience with being
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  open and authentic is limited to critiquing your partner.
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  Well, guess what? It's not going to go so.
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  Well then they already have a bad taste in their mouth because
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  you being open is associated with Jurgen be real.
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  About how much you think that they need to change.
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  That is not open. That's fake open.
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  That's just being critical. And what real open might be is
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  you know I've been thinking about, why you know you upset me
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  in this in this away? And yes, I think you can be
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  insensitive you were certainly raised in an insensitive house
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  but you know I think I was coddled.
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  I think that nobody ever teased me growing up, didn't have
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  siblings of the same age and so I think that I could be
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  oversensitive, you could be under sensitive, it's very few
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  people that aren't going to listen to that.
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  That's actually being open that's putting yourself out
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  there. It doesn't exactly make you
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  vulnerable to criticize. Your partner doesn't have
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  vulnerable stance. Vulnerable is sharing something
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  deep within you. So it's a good thing to practice
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  to think about what are things that I just think I can share
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  with my partner. You know, it's so funny.
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  There's always these memes and stuff at least there used to be.
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  I'm sure there still are some but about like the women who
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  hide their purchases from their husband.
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  Like so the A hide, the shopping bags in the trunk or whatever
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  they do, this is terrible. I mean that's like literally
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  lying and if they're saying well, this is because he would
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  criticize my purchases. You got so many bigger fish to
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  fry in the relationship. You don't trust him to be nice
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  to you. He doesn't trust you with
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  spending. He's got trust issues, you got
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  trust, issues did nothing is going.
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  Well what do you think he's never going to find out?
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  Also, I mean and and it's who wants to live like that where
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  they can't buy something from Target.
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  On his end who wants to live that they have no idea where
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  their money is going. I mean, and if the woman's,
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  let's say, buying it with all her own money.
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  Then why should he be controlling her?
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  And if let's say she's buying it with her own money but like he's
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  paying for literally everything else.
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  How is that happening? You know, there's just so much
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  to actually genuinely work on in these situations but it's masked
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  by the fact that the these things are hidden and in many
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  cases lied to because of some sort of idea.
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  That like the person wouldn't really want to know and I
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  couldn't really get to keep doing what I want.
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  If they knew same thing as my new hide porn watching from
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  their wives. Oh she doesn't want to know no
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  she don't want you to do it this different.
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  Yes she does want to know that you're not doing it at you
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  probably had some good reasons. So that's why I frequently tell
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  people stop doing the masturbating in the porn because
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  then you are going to be very open about your sexual desire.
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  You're not deviating it. You're not Not deviating like a
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  deviant, like you're not, you're not redirecting the desire into
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  something else so that I can stay hidden if you stop
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  masturbating in your sex life, your shit.
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  Well, it's going to be I count down like 48 hours until you
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  have a much more open discussion about sex, you know, because you
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  no longer have your secret way to get rid of your sexual
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  desire. And then maybe finally, the
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  marriage can be worked on the sex life within the marriage.
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  Should ought to have been in the first place but it is extremely
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  scary for people to do that unsurprisingly.
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  It's very scary to change and to deeply examine, what is going
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  wrong in a relationship. Particularly in a sensitive
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  area, such as sex where both people have their individual
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  biases and frames and and sources of Shame and insecurity
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  Etc. So what should you get from this
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  podcast? If you have something, any
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  little thing that you don't tell your partner, examine the
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  reasons why you don't and think about how different your
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  relationship could be if you were not a person.
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  I felt like they had to hide little things or big things from
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  their partner. It's just like all these people
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  that are still like texting with an ex you know or like Facebook
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  messaging with an egg so the partner doesn't really know how
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  are you helping your marriage? You're not.
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  Some people think that having something that is they don't say
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  it's an emotional affair, but it kind of is an emotional Fair,
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  it's our friend whatever. People think that this is, in
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  fact, not bad for the marriage because, you know, partner
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  doesn't really want to talk to them that much anyway.
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  It seems so here. They are diverting their energy
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  to something else. That was the word I was going
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  for before diver not deviating. But anyway, this is, you know,
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  uniformly and incorrect, harmful assumption.
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  And it's really because the person doesn't want to have to
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  stop talking to this person and they don't maybe want to do the
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  hard work. Of examining what in the
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  marriage is worth working on and be getting the hard work of
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  doing. So, so any situation where you
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  have a big secret and then there's even littler things like
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  people who don't want to tell their husband that like they,
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  you know, dye their hair their or something like that.
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  This used to be more prevalent in the age before men, you know,
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  kind of knew more about grooming and sorts of things like that.
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  So this is about the older people, you know, or they don't
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  want to tell the partner that they've had plastic surgery or
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  something like that. Wow.
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  Do you want to be with somebody truly, that would judge you for
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  these sorts of things where you always have to watch yourself
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  and choices that you would otherwise, not to be ashamed of
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  you are somehow projecting, some sort of Shame by virtue of that.
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  You are not sharing them. I mean, it's just a matter of.
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  Do you want to be, everybody's got a yearning to be deeply and
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  truly known and loved are you, what's standing in your way in
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  your own way from getting there? And also, for people As
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  children, what are you showing your children?
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  They pick up on that. There's a guardedness.
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  They pick up on that. There's a guardedness.
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  They frequently pick up on. We don't tell Daddy /.
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  Mommy, everything. You know.
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  I mean, that's why I don't think that the stuff is cute when
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  there's like little videos about, oh, we're going to go to
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  McDonald's but don't tell Mommy that we had McDonald's for
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  lunch. Don't do shit like that.
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  To your children, they should be able to say everything that they
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  do with one parent to the other parent whether or not you're
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  divorced or together, you know, that puts a child in a bind, an
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  impossible situation. Should.
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  And then they learn that your knee directly, that
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  relationships are a place where we lie, and we have to hide
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  things that we do and we have to hide who we are.
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  And then, of course, they are going to do it in one way or
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  another within their own Intimate Relationships.
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  That is not a legacy that most people want to pass on to their
• 14:53
  children, because even if you do it yourself, you certainly don't
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  want to picture your child, having to hide parts of
• 15:00
  themselves or their actions from a significant other and feeling.
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  That they would not be fully loved if they showed, you know,
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  the entirety of who they are. So think about this, think about
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  if there are any small or large things that you could share with
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  a spouse that aren't about how much you dislike them and how
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  much you've been introspecting about why you do.
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  But rather are things about yourself that make you
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  vulnerable, that put you out there in ways that you haven't
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  been and potentially, could if shared a, make you feel closer
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  and more connected, and more fully know.
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  Known or be finally, overtly tackle, a covert hidden problem
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  in the relationship, you know, like the one about the secret
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  poor news. And then, you know, the couple
• 15:45
  is now working on their sex life because she doesn't know there's
• 15:47
  an issue, Etc. So think about this, and perhaps
• 15:52
  use it to really try something new of opening up, in a new
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  different way, to your partner. And I hope y'all got a lot out
• 15:58
  of this and I will talk to everybody soon.
• 16:00
  Please subscribe.