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How Two Homes Can Still Feel Steady · WhozYourMama

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Who's Your Mama, a podcast focusing on tomorrow's future, which are our kids, educators, teachers, parents, all-encompassing with the goal of understanding that our brain is a muscle that we can exercise to control the speed in the direction that we want.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, y'all.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: The time is now.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Bran Schwartz, welcome to Who's Your Mama?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am so excited to have you here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: We had the pleasure of being introduced by a mutual friend.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the many things that we connected on, which is a topic that hasn't been discussed on Who's Your Mama, is that we are both single mamas.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that sparked, not triggered my thoughts into what does that look like, which is a topic that many people can can relate to to navigate having two homes for a child or children, and how to keep in mind putting them first.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: So take us on your journey because you have two beautiful girls, and it's been a conscious decision for you and your ex-husband, their dad, to make this a priority of putting them first.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So take us down your journey.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Certainly.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So um my ex and I separated 12 years ago when the children, my two daughters, uh, were ages 10 and 8.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's difficult for actually any child of any age to navigate emotionally.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my ex and I decided to co-parent, um, and we made sure that our households in particular were relatively close, so not moving out of the area uh if either out either one of us were moving away.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so we had a six-mile difference uh between our households.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a pretty nice short commute.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um we swapped for the kids every Monday.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, there are challenges with that.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: The children were so young at the time, and both of us were working adults, and so fortunately we were able to secure the help that we needed, particularly when the kids were younger.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so we were able to hire nannies who would pick up the kids after school and bring them to either their our respective homes or to the extracurricular activities that they participated in, whether it was sports or dance.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then interestingly, because they were in two households, there were two sets of uniforms, two sets of, you know, everything for the children.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I can say in particular, the um there was more structure at my house.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think that their father, who I adore to this day, um, is more of a Disneyland dad in a good way, but the foundation of our relationship with our children is very strong because what's key is openly communicating to the kids.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another thing that was very important to us is that we supported the idea and event of therapy.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so we openly provided that to our children.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: There were moments as they were growing up in two separate households where one child realized she needed the support than the other.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was something that we did not shun away from, particularly when a child is asking for help.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that has been, you know, a godsend uh because I think it has helped in their development of their personalities and also helped them to mature emotionally, which is a good thing.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I what I hear from you is that I can relate to is consistency, the structure, support, again, putting a child or your in your case, two um girls first.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would you say to with that in mind to parents that potentially don't have the means to have the extra support and what the communication look like because there's very different degrees of support or lack thereof that people have when children have two households.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What would you say is some of those found a foundational things that really impacted in a good way your co-parenting?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So one thing um that was different from my ex and my situation than many of the friends that we have is and what was tough is that um we don't have family close by.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think we have though a um a core group of support in our friends or or our friends whom we chose to be our family, and so that was so important to be able to have an emergency contact who was, you know, um someone like a sister to me.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I've I'm lucky enough to have a handful of people who I consider my sister, sisters from another mister.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's great um for us to have had that, and that was really, really important.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing is because uh we are both working parents, um I personally advocate utilizing the resources that um that companies provide through your benefits, and and you know, my background has been in human resources and benefits, and so totally utilize you know the employee assistance program because the kids may need help, but also parents need help to be able to man to navigate their emotions, and you know, oftentimes those the first handful of of appointments are at no charge, you know.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: So that's something where if you don't have the uh the means to be going out to therapy, because therapy is very expensive and can be very expensive if you don't know how to work the system.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but invest in working the system, you know, because if it's something that's offered through your employer, I think that it's something to be able to assist in these types of situations.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a a good messaging in life.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let things work for you and not being afraid to ask for help, which is one of the foundational reasons why I started Who's Your Mama?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is especially after the pandemic, people are more willing to open up and ask for help.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes not knowing how to navigate it is the biggest task.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And and then the hindsight of 2020 is I why didn't I do this earlier, but it's never too late.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, what on on that note, in terms of supporting your kids in feeling comfortable by example with you, to express that they had those needs, what would you say for parents or caretakers or or anyone that even aren't parents, what that communication looked like to make somebody that you love care about, to feel safe, to express that they need additional support?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: So one thing in particular that I did with both of my children, um, I wanted them to make sure that they knew they had a safe space uh to openly communicate with me.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And we I gave it a um, I gave it sort of a nickname for each of them.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, basically, um, I wanted them to alert me um if they were having an issue or if they wanted to talk something through, and they didn't want me to be necessarily mom or judgy mom or you know, reactive mom.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, so each of my kids had this phrase.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: If either one of them said they needed either keiki time or aloha time, I grew up in Hawaii, so I used Hawaiian words.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: If either of them actually identified that they needed that kind of time with me, that was time to uh for me to invest in my children to listen to them and not react.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that they knew that if it was something that may have triggered me, but they're specifically asking for this time for me not to judge them um or make a quick reactive decision, then that was one thing that was really, really key is that you know they needed to be aware that they could approach me um and and be in a safe place to have a conversation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, also um I think that I was very open with them in my situation as their dad and I separated, uh, we both, you know, moved on to see um what was out there, you know, in in the dating world.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not necessarily easy given the ages of the children, because that is tricky to navigate, considering their emotional development through their, you know, their tween years and becoming teenagers.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was open with them if I was seeing someone or dating someone.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, it was so comfortable that on occasion my children would would give nicknames to people that I dated.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: That was very descriptive.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's very funny um when I think back at that, but I was very clear and open with them that oh, mom is dating one person or another.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: But the one key thing to this to this day, to this recent time, is that no one that I dated was actually good enough um to meet my children.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so, and so at least, you know, they were aware that um I was open with them uh as far as my personal situation was concerned.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, and what was great about that, I think, is that they're very open with me in their own relationships and their own dating.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think they saw how comfortable I was to share with them the experiences that I had.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And in turn, I think that they knew that they could ask me questions about their own personal relationships that they were having as they got older.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's been really, really beautiful for them, for me to hear their stories and for me to be a source um that they could come to when they had questions about relationships um and their feelings and emotions.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was that was just so lovely to me.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's because we and I in particular had open communication with them.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so on that, I mean, is it very much a common theme of open communication and transparency and feeling safe, right?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: To know that and trust that it can be so, and I think that's a a memo in life, regardless of whether it's personal, professional, platonic, romantic, everyone wants to feel safe to trust.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: So on that note, between going back to how you, and I I imagine, and it is with my ex-hus and I, it's ever evolving, but the core is keeping the child and children at the forefront.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: How do you continue to navigate that?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because it does evolve as kids grow in age and their needs.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what advice as we're getting close to wrapping up, which I I hope that I feel like this is gonna be a part two or three, but uh we'll start with one.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: How what advice would you give to parents that you have watched firsthand to navigate as the girls have gotten older and the co-parenting foundational part?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think um, you know, communication is key.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um interestingly, it's tough to separate uh emotions from any given situation.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think that um both my ex and I, we decided to ensure that we approached our separation um as mature adults.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: We had seen so many of our friends or our kids' friends' parents go through some um devastating separations and divorces, and you know, seeing what impact it had on their children and their children sharing with our children just the upheaval and the um in this roller coaster of sadness or whatever emotions they were going through.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I think also one other thing is that um be empathetic.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like we need to be empathetic to each other's situations, be sensitive to the children's situations, and you know, when they're reaching out and they're asking for help, listen, you know, and and try not to judge.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, in my particular case, you know, I made sure that the kids, you know, alerted me that they needed to have mom in that particular Kiki Aloha time space.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but as that evolved and as they've gotten older, um, I think that they already knew that they could approach myself as well as my ex um and know that, you know, their interests um were at the heart of every decision that we we made.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think the the general part that I'm hearing as I'm telling myself across the board is showing grace.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, certainly.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And and they are mirrors of us, and and that is sometimes easier than others.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's not no one is calling easy.com, but it's a conscious decision.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and through that is a contagious energy that is really beautiful and helps them shine.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have very much shined on here.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know that this is something that I will continue to think about and I know will resonate with so many people.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you, Fran Schwartz, for taking the time and shining within and outwardly, and congratulations on what you're doing and continue to do.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And as we say on Who's Your Mama, let's go, y'all.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: The time is now.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go, y'all.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: The time is now.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Michelle.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for tuning in to Who's Your Mama?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I look forward to collaborating from a community standpoint for the next episodes.