Latest / Have you met you? / Ep. 19: The Life Audit: Sobriety, Grief, and Self-Sovereignty with Larissa Bell
Transcript
- Sasha Pearl: to the podcast, Larissa. I'm so excited to have you on today. I'll give you the mic essentially and introduce yourself and then we'll get into it. So tell us about yourself, Larissa. life that looked good on the outside, but you were drowning on the inside? In this episode, I sit down with health coach, group facilitator, and yoga teacher, Larissa Bell, to talk about what it actually means to come home to yourself. The grief, the breakup, the sobriety, the plant medicine that told us she didn't even need to be there. This conversation is real, it's honest, and might be the permission slip you didn't know you needed. Let's get it. Larissa Bell (she/her): Amazing. Yay, I am so happy to be here, Sasha. Thank you for having me. I am posted up here in Bend, Oregon, just like you. I have got all my projector goodies around me. I've got my fuzzy blanket. We've got my tea. I've got a bouquet of flowers in front of me. We are absolutely living in tourist season projector land over here. Sasha Pearl: I love that. Okay, so before she introduces herself, I should just say Larissa Bell is a one, three projector with emotional authority. We are both Taurus's. We have the same channel, 6124, and we're just soulmates. So that's my piece. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yes, yes. And to say a little bit more about who I am, what I do. I am a group facilitator. I'm a mental health coach and a yoga and meditation teacher. And I love working with women and kind of moving them from that initial space of being in people pleasing, self abandonment, things like that, and really moving towards self sovereignty, building self respect and really honing that sense of intuition. So that's kind of my bag. Sasha Pearl: We love it, we love it. And you own Shadow Light Wellness, correct? We love that. And I'm just really curious how, I feel like a lot of healers specifically are usually teaching what they've learned, what they've experienced in life. So I would love to hear a little bit more about how you got into this type of work and what is your lived experiences with it. Larissa Bell (she/her): you Definitely. I mean, it absolutely comes from this lived experience starting out as just a very ⁓ shy and sensitive kid, right? I think that that's our initial training ground in life. That's where we learn all of our earliest lessons, because as kids, we are just such sponges for information. And we're just looking to those initial experiences, to our role models, to get a sense of like, who am I? What am I supposed to be doing here? Like, what is this life thing? that we're doing. And so it was around, was in that early phase of my life that I really grappled with being so sensitive in a world that didn't seem to really feel the same or be set up in a way that supported that. Right. And I think a lot of kids experience feeling a little different, a little othered, and really have to figure out how am I going to survive all of these experiences that leave me so drained or just not feeling like I know what I'm doing here. So I know that I personally adopted a lot of those patterns super early in life, figuring out I need to figure out how to be in these big, crowded, noisy spaces with a lot of energy around me. figure out how to get connection and get love, right? That kind of led to people pleasing and kind of ⁓ ignoring what I needed to just be more present and available for what others needed or seemed to like. And just a lot of really early conditioning got in. As I grew, I started to see what that actually results in, in an adult experience, how that shows up in relationships, the jobs that I found, the career that I built. And ultimately I found myself in kind of a hot water position where I was deep in this 10 year relationship to someone I was engaged to. A lovely human, but ultimately not someone who was aligned with who I was fundamentally. I found myself in this career that looked amazing on paper. I was working in health tech. It was the full time salaried gig. But I was going to bed with anxiety in my stomach every single night. And so I kind of experienced this unraveling, right? And really had to go back to the foundations of myself. ⁓ And bits and pieces from these stories will come up later in this conversation, but my journey has been about returning to the foundations of me and really figuring out from scratch without all of this stuff that I learned was supposed to be important or that I learned I was supposed to be able to do. What feels good for me? What do I want? Right? So it's a pleasure to create those spaces for other women who are in their own version of that journey so that we can come together. We can compare notes. We can see that we are so not alone in grappling with this stuff. And we all have these pain points and the ways that we're just not fully honoring and loving ourselves. ⁓ And together we can really come up with a lot of good ideas and ways to kind of navigate through that. Sasha Pearl: I love that. And I love this question of what do I want? I feel like that is actually can be, depending on who you are, one of the most freeing questions. It can also be one of the scariest questions that you can ask yourself. So I don't how I guess what my question is, is how do you how do you get there? Like, how did you get there as far as like, what do I want? Right. Like, at what point was that the threshold that you had to walk through and that was the question. Essentially that question was the threshold that you walked through, right? Yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah, and I think that the initial first step was pruning. Pruning my life and noticing all the things that I had filled my life with that were all great things, right? That's the thing. It's not that I only want things that are objectively good. It's not so black and white. Like this might have really good aspects to it and still not be aligned for me. So I think the first step was doing a big audit. And this is not just one moment, right? This happened in many phases at different times, right? It would happen in waves. But it's been so important for me to look around and just acknowledge, like, what are the areas in my life where I feel like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill? Sasha Pearl: ⁓ my God, that was me last year. Larissa Bell (she/her): because we know that feeling. It's like, am pouring myself into this and it's not budging and it's just as hard every single day. Why is it this hard? Right? So that may be more specific to work. I also had to look at my relationships and ask myself very honestly, like brutally honestly, like in what relationships do I feel like I can't be my full self? Where am I hiding little parts of me? Because I know that person doesn't fully understand my humor. So I have a joke come up and I don't say it to them, right? Sasha Pearl: So Larissa is actually one of the funniest people that I know. She'll walk into a room. I don't even know some of the things that she says, but I'm just like, you're hilarious and I'm obsessed with you. And yeah, when Larissa walks into a room and she has just like this like bright, bright, juicy energy. And I just feel like that's such a projector trait of someone who's living in alignment and resting and taking care of themselves. So I just wanted to shout that out real quickly too. Larissa Bell (she/her): Thank you. ⁓ my God, thank you so much. Interject with a little compliment. Thank you. I love that. All of that dear to my heart. Yeah, absolutely. you know, it's humor, it's do I get to share my full emotional experience in these relationships where I've given that person total proximity to me, right? Because I didn't have that sense of discernment ever. Sasha Pearl: Yeah, yeah. You're an animal. You are seen here. Larissa Bell (she/her): ever growing up, right? It was truly like, ⁓ you like me or you have interest, okay, come into my world. Without asking, how do I feel around you? What happens to me in this dynamic, right? Do I really feel like I like the version of me that gets to come out with you, right? And so it's been this process of, like I said, auditing and looking for all of the pain points. Some are more obvious and those are the ones that need to be tended to. and adjusted first. And I've said this to myself a lot and I've shared this with others. Sometimes, and when I say breakup, I don't just mean romantically, but sometimes you need to break up with a person. Sometimes you just need to break up with the dynamic within it, right? So when I'm talking about this pruning, it's not about rejecting people. It's not about like, ⁓ I'm just gonna quit my job tomorrow. But maybe there's a piece of it. where we kind of need to hone in on that and take a look at that and see, can this be adjusted? Can we come together and talk about this thing that keeps happening? Right? Because this is blocking me from feeling like fully safe being myself here or fully getting my needs met or me even meeting your needs. Right? So I think that the clear out, it's really, it's like the first step when I'm cleaning my house before I go to organize anything or wipe anything, I take out the trash. I remove the things that don't need to be there, right? Because it doesn't make sense trying to organize things that don't need to be in my space anyway, right? And it makes it so much more doable, more possible to locate important stuff in a clearer environment, right? And so the more willing I've been to loosen my grip on the people and the things and the commitments in my life, and actually take that step back and acknowledge it's like, I don't need to hold on to all of these things so tightly just because they're mine and I love them just because they're mine and actually allow things to move in and out of my life or to find a more appropriate proximity because not everyone is meant to be your lover. Not everyone is meant to be your best friend. You can love and adore them, but maybe there is, you know, that oil and water feeling and maybe there's a different place. in your life where it's going to feel way more harmonious and hunky-dory to love each other from that place. Right? So that's a long-winded way of saying first we have to audit and we have to clear some stuff out. Sasha Pearl: I love that. think that's just such a good mindfulness practice. I always say your external environment is your internal world. Like how your external environment works is probably what's going on on the inside. ⁓ As far as the audit goes, I would love to hear more about your, what was your audit in all of this? What did you have to prune away? Like what was coming up for you where you're like, this is not serving of me and kind of like supporting people in like their own audit. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. guys. Sasha Pearl: How would you, I would love just to hear your experience with your own audit. Cause I know that you're in sobriety now, you're sober, you, know, like there's multiple things that you did and that really like fulfill you in your life now. This work. Larissa Bell (she/her): Absolutely, yeah. And like I said, there's a few waves to it. So I'd say like the first one before all the big, big events of my life kind of happened in a cluster a couple of years ago. ⁓ The first like real thing that felt like a check-in and me acknowledging what am I doing that is not working was me, I'd gotten into my 20s, I had graduated, I got a tech job and I was working full-time doing the whole commuting thing from Oakland into San Francisco. ⁓ And I was running on fumes energetically. Right? ⁓ my gosh. I mean, at least 45 minutes could be an hour and a half. Right? ⁓ yeah. Each way. ⁓ And so that flow is, you you're working full time in an office. So you're around people. Your eyes are on your laptop. It's just, it's not ⁓ an energy fueling environment. And then it's so normal to go for happy hour drinks afterwards. That was the culture. Sasha Pearl: That's so how long is that commute? each way. my god, my nightmare. Happy piano. Larissa Bell (she/her): Right? So I'm starting my day. waking up at six. I am going downtown grabbing a quad shot of Americano. coffee drink, getting on the bus, right? That on an empty stomach. Like every woman's hormonal picture is driven by like this snapshot in her adult. You know, and doing the whole day there, finishing with alcohol, getting home, it's like 10 PM already and getting maybe five, six hours of sleep. And so as you can imagine, mean, anyone, probably anyone would be totally exhausted by that. But for me, sensitive body. sensitive energy, little projector baby who's been forcing it, forcing it and ignoring all the messages her body's trying to tell her for so many years. It just caught up with me and I was like, I feel like a zombie. This feels gross. I need to do something radically different. I need to wait for it. Stay in tonight. Whoa. ⁓ my gosh. I was so accustomed to like filling out my social calendar. Like Sasha Pearl: you What? Larissa Bell (she/her): filling every single slot. Right? Because that was all a part of my conditioning. I wanted to be extroverted. I wanted to be bold. I wanted to be visible. Right? And I wanted to be normal and accepted. And I never really spent time with the parts of me that like quiet and solitude and like decompression. So that was my first experiment in doing things differently. It wasn't until my 20s that I was like, hey, multiple nights in, in a row is acceptable and okay. Sasha Pearl: Fascinating. Larissa Bell (she/her): And that was like, ⁓ my God, it was such a shift. I'll pause here. There's so many other things that have audited since then. Sasha Pearl: I'm- love that though, because I mean, I do not I mean, for the most part, 99 % of the time, I do not schedule one social thing on a Monday, I don't even schedule meetings on a Monday. Me going to therapy on a Monday is like a lot for me. You know what I mean? But it's like people like you're so busy all the time. And I'm like, honestly, I'm not I just don't know when I'm cool. It's so important though, to like, I just want to hang out with myself and like watch TV and like hear my own thoughts. Like I actually love hearing my own thoughts. Larissa Bell (she/her): Totally. Yeah. Yes. Sasha Pearl: which might be an unpopular opinion for some people, but it's just like, ⁓ wow. ⁓ I like hanging out with myself. Like I don't need this like an external validation to like go and like feel fulfilled, right? Like there's just so much, I think power and autonomy when you're able to like hang out with yourself and like go and create with yourself and go and whatever you need to do with yourself, right? So I would also love to hear, like this seems like a really intuitive process for you. And I feel like... What was the like tension point for you though that you really just like, cause then you ended up leaving your job, right? Or getting, getting laid off. Larissa Bell (she/her): Got left that one, got another one very similar, and then coming off from that next one. All health. ⁓ boy. Girl. Sasha Pearl: Okay. Okay. Wow. The universe was like, please stop. I love that. Okay. And then so then you started your shadow light wellness, correct? Okay. And then you ended up breaking up a 10 year relationship, and then moving into sobriety at some point. So like you actually had this like, it was like the compound effect, really, it seemed like you give yourself enough space to then really audit your life and prune away the things that were not working or some things just kind of naturally. Larissa Bell (she/her): Mm-hmm. Sasha Pearl: like left. So what was the process for you and like navigating your identity and all of these and all of these shifts? Larissa Bell (she/her): And to kind of click those pieces together, was that time that I just mentioned, starting to experiment for the first time with, maybe I need different things. Maybe there's a different way I can be showing up. Maybe what I've built isn't serving me. Those seeds were planted then. It would still be another couple of years before I was really bold enough to embark on, okay, what else could I do then? So we moved to Bend. I had gotten back together with that partner who I'd been involved with for 10 years. total. So we moved together to bend. The pandemic happened, right? So that was its own just like global like reset, shake things up and break a lot of habits and patterns and force you to have to like look at what you've got going on and make decisions. ⁓ But essentially, I returned to that relationship already with some new, like, desires and insights planted in me. And so I had initially started that relationship from that place of full people pleasing, full accommodating. I think at that time I resonated more with like Enneagram 2 as well, which is like the helper, which worked in that dynamic initially. When we got back together, I was already starting to change. I was already starting to drop a Sasha Pearl: Mm-hmm. Larissa Bell (she/her): of my people pleasing. And as you can imagine, that actually brought in some more friction between us because I was no longer as accommodating. I was more vocal about what I need and it was slow, right? And it was in that process that I'll share this. It's a vulnerable part, but it's really important to acknowledge that this stuff happens when we do start showing up differently in relationships. It can be a big surprise for the other person. It can really throw them off. And I remember at one point he shared, this was not a very nice way to put it, but he said, I kind of miss your people pleasing. He said, it's a lot easier when there was people. But also he shared this too, and I was able to take this in. He's like, feel like I got to know one version of you. I feel like you presented one version of you. And now as we get deeper into this, I'm hearing you don't actually want those things. Sasha Pearl: Good. Larissa Bell (she/her): Right? And so that I can totally own that piece because this is part of authentically representing ourselves. If we don't know ourselves, we can't. I can only share with you what I know. Right? I can only meet you as deeply as I've met myself. Sasha Pearl: I think we should underline that. That's like so important. Like giving yourself space to actually understand yourself without all the external fears, doubts, conditioning of the world. Like that is so massively important and so true. Like that's actually one of my, like one of my fears in relationships, to be honest, is like, I know what I want so fiercely that I hope that you're not just saying you want to. Larissa Bell (she/her): Okay. Thanks Yes. Sasha Pearl: also be on the same ride as me. And then five years down the line, you're like, this isn't the life that I wanted. Like that is like the one of the biggest fears, but to your point, it's like, they only know as much as they are willing to go into themselves. Things change. Larissa Bell (she/her): So we only know what we know, right? And so, and what came up in our last thread of conversation just before this, it's like that fear of being alone. That is going to prevent you from getting to know yourself as deeply as you need to, right? Like that relationship to yourself is the most important relationship you have and so many folks, so many of us live maybe even a lifetime with never really having regular intentional alone time, time spent with just themselves when they're not being bombarded with other people's opinions, other people's needs, even like socializing and having fun fun that is so great and we need that and also sometimes we need to just be in our own energy. Because it is really tough to locate your inner voice and that inner knowing when you have a lot of other voices in there. When you have a lot of other very big presences in your life, right? We influence each other all the time. But if I'm not routinely checking in with me and giving myself full permission to like see what is coming up, right? Because something hard might come up, something very inconvenient might come up. And that's often when those things get buried or discarded or we try and override it and be like, ⁓ surely that's not it. No, no. My stuff is fine as it is. Let's just forget about that for another 10 years. And that let it just like forcefully bubble up out of us. Yeah. Sasha Pearl: Yeah. Well, so, and I want bring this back to your human design too. So you actually have a completely open G center, which rules your personality, your identity, your soul. And what that means that you literally are taking on the personalities of the people that you're with. So you, it's so important for you to, well, come back to yourself and be in your own energy to understand who you are in the world, right? Because if you're constantly someone else, then of course you're going to be like, Larissa Bell (she/her): Thank you. Sasha Pearl: 20 different people all at once, right? But that makes you such a beautiful healer and coach because you can literally hop into the soul of someone else and really truly understand them. And then you have an open sacral, so you're like, you're like on the energy of all these other people and you're like, are these even my desires? So it's like so important as a projector to be energetically cleansed in the world and really honoring like your alone time and asking yourself the questions of, is this really working for me? Is this really meant for me? Do I want to be in this relationship in this way? If yes, great, continue on. If no, what do I need to change for it to work? Or does it, do we have to like actually end it? Right? So it's really interesting, like the, the questions, the audit of the questions you even have to ask yourself with these, like, cause you, you, it's like, you have so much conditioning that can happen in your open centers. So it's just find that really interesting that you went through that entire like life audit experiences. like, yep, that sounds about right. Larissa Bell (she/her): Absolutely, and I kind of I love that you that you posted that way because I've never heard it explained that way So and we're going to do a human design chart reading soon, and I'm so freaking excited I want to hear it from you And that actually makes so much sense because and to me it feels like akin to that phrase like you are what you eat You are what you eat right and so when something is open. It just means it's like you have to be really particular Sasha Pearl: for her birthday! Larissa Bell (she/her): about who you're spending time with then. Knowing that I tend to take on a person's energy and reflect certain things back and kind of meet them where they're at. Like, I need to be extra discerning about who that is I'm tangoing with, because I've totally seen that. And it's like, when you have different friends with very different identities, and it kind of brings out a different side of you when you're with them, right? You're a little bit more sportier and game for activities with this friend or that group. You get more intellectual, right? And just more like, ooh, introspective, thoughtful with this friend. the person I was dating for about 10 years, he was a big athlete, very big generator energy. And so that really pulled out of me this like, yeah, let's go, go, go. Let's take on the world. But then my body could not keep up. I couldn't sustain it. And so was like, wait, I want to meet you there, but I can't. ⁓ Sasha Pearl: Well, and then getting judged for it. And then getting judged for not having that type of energy. And when you're a generator, you have a defined safe role, right? And if you are in partnership with them, you're constantly in an energy, like, like war, warble? No, that's not right. What is that? What's the word? Like, pull? Yeah. Yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): Whirlpool? Whirlpool? Whirlpool? Whirlpool! Sasha Pearl: world cool and it's not even your energy so you're just borrowing someone else's energy and then you're depleted at the end of the day and they're like why can't you keep up you're like bitch I don't have a spoke define sacral I need a knife Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. Yes! And I don't, this is just coming up, like I feel, I feel the need to just like emphasize that just how important that everyday relationship with yourself is because I think even when we finally get alone, right, like we're actually Okay, we've separated ourselves a little bit. We have some space. Even still, I have found myself still looking to other things outside of me to put me in closer touch with me. And I'll share something that came at the end of this last summer. ⁓ I went to a plant medicine retreat. right? psilocybin, frog medicine, ⁓ really interesting experience. And the intention was like, okay, take me inside of me, show me things I'm not already aware of, yada yada. It was a bear and a half to get there with canceled flights being posted up in a random city, all this stuff, and finally in Guadalajara. And I've just come off of another breakup. I was like, really just like, okay, we need to just be at like a stopping point here and not have any more chaotic stuff happening. So let's go inside and let's figure out. And I want to share what that initial message was that I got from the medicine after this whole to-do of getting there. I'm under, I'm in that space. And the message that comes through is you don't need this. You don't need the medicine. You could just go live your life and learn through that. And I was like, really? Okay, sick. ⁓ just through being myself and reflecting and noticing how I feel. That's, that's it. Those are where the answers are. Sasha Pearl: Didn't you? Yeah. Didn't you also have friends who were like, you probably shouldn't go do that right now either. Larissa Bell (she/her): ⁓ I was initially considering ayahuasca and they say, and I totally believe this, you will feel called to ayahuasca if you are being called. I was dating someone who was encouraging, encouraging, encouraging because of how much it had helped him. Sasha Pearl: ⁓ okay, right. Mm-hmm. Right. Larissa Bell (she/her): So again, talk about taking in someone else's language, their message, their desire for you. While we were together, I was like, that sounds like a really important thing. I've got all this grief I need to sift through. Yes, let's do that. But then once we broke up and I actually had time with myself, guess what? My body spoke. And initially it was like, don't do ayahuasca. So I switched to the other alternative and I was like, okay, I'm more familiar with that medicine. But even that, was like, girl, how about just go be in your house and have some slow mornings and take care of yourself, right? Yeah. Sasha Pearl: Oh, I love that. I feel like some of the most simple messages are the most profound as well. So I would also love to hear more about, I'm like sober curious. I'm like, oh, I feel so great when I don't drink, but, and then I'm like, I'm bored. And then I'm like, I'm gonna go drink. And I'm like, oh, I hate drinking. Larissa Bell (she/her): So, here we are. Thanks. Sasha Pearl: I hate how I feel after it. So I would just like love to hear, yeah, the your sobriety journey and because I know this is also one part of the pruning as well for you and what has like, what has opened up for you ⁓ with not drink. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. Absolutely. And I love this topic. So it's been about a year since I last drank alcohol. It's so wonderful. And I'll share that sometimes I can be a gardening girly, right, which is a new phrase. So sometimes I use cannabis for anti anxiety for grounding into myself. That's usually like a protected evening experience. So just want to give that caveat to so sober from alcohol. And that has been one of the greatest gifts I've given myself. Sasha Pearl: Congratulations! Larissa Bell (she/her): It's been so beautiful. So for a lot of my adulthood, it was so normal to have wine or beer after work. That was just one, two punch, right? Like it was normalized by everyone in my world, everyone in my workplace. It was just what you did. And so for me, I never had an issue with binging alcohol, but I did have that rhythm and that reliance and that sense of something is missing in my flow if I don't have it, right? And it's kind of like, ⁓ ⁓ a comfort item, you know what I mean? Like that blanket that you reach for. It's like, here's something that I can introduce to help my system relax. But I was training myself that I can't just find relaxation without this external thing. And the reality with alcohol is it's toxins and it lingers in your system. And so if you're drinking every day, you're never without that. And what I've learned about it is it just gives Sasha Pearl: Like 30 days, yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): your all the systems in your body busy work busy work where it could otherwise be putting that energy towards like cleansing you or rebuilding muscle right like that's why it's important in a fitness journey too you're giving you're putting a bunch of busy work for your body to do that's gonna be from doing deeper healing stuff that it could otherwise be doing Sasha Pearl: That was so interesting. heard it explained that way either and I love that. Why are you giving your body some busy work to do if well it's supposed to be just doing the good things for you? Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. He's got lot of stuff to do. It's like, hey man, I'm already pretty busy. I don't need to, we don't need to do this. You know, and I think that it's been. There's only been positive outcomes from this. I do not miss it one bit. It has affected my overall energy quality, not just amount, but the quality of it, right? Just feeling like less groggy, less foggy, more present. My sleep is improved. My skin is improved. I mean, it's everything. It's been supportive of me making other healthy choices. And the reality is, like, I've got part of me that loves to be in solitude. with myself. I've got this other part that is a social butterfly and gets a lot out of being out in the world and chatting with people. And I love to sober party. It's the most fun I've had because I get to go into a space, feel so good in my body, feel like I've got this really nice abundant energy I can share with people I can receive and then when I'm done I go home and I drive myself home. That's a big part of it too. Knowing that you're autonomous and you're able to go like enjoy and engage in a space and there's no there's no pressure within me to like go buy another drink spend you know upwards of a hundred dollars at a at a bar right got multiple system I just don't feel the need to do that because I've already decided that it's a no. so, and I'll say like closing thought just sobriety from alcohol. is... ⁓ It has been one of the best gifts that I've given my body. It has improved my quality of energy. I get to go out in a space and really just feel like I am myself and I've got this beautiful energy that I'm coming with and I just get to play and enjoy and be a sober party girl and enjoy all of the elements that there are to enjoy and then take myself home when I'm done and feel really good the next day. Right. And so for me, I'm thinking thinking so much about sustainability. What are the things that I do that are actually sustainable versus what can I do a handful of times but then it's totally going to ring me out, right? And leave me feeling worse off than when I started. So that's that new level of discernment that I have. I'm just not interested in signing myself on for practices or habits that are slowly draining me and making me feel worse and making me feel dulled, right? And that I have zero regrets about it and I will likely continue on just not drinking because I don't see one reason why I would again, right? I get to have just as much fun if not more fun in all the social spaces that I go. So why would I reach for it when I feel so good in my body, right? Sasha Pearl: Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. Have you, in the beginning, was it hard at all for you in social situations? I know you didn't have any issues with binge drinking or any of that, but just the social aspect of it, what was that like for you ⁓ in the beginning? Because I know in the beginning, it's like a little bit, it's a lot harder, I think, than obviously now you're like, it's part of your habit. Like you just, like, this is your identity now. I am a sober from alcohol person. Larissa Bell (she/her): totally. Yeah. ⁓ Sasha Pearl: And you're going to continue doing this until indefinite. Larissa Bell (she/her): I can't see myself changing it. And I'll share too that the context around when I started, so that brings us to this next wave of auditing, right? So in my story, we reached kind of like the pinnacle where everything was coming to a head. I knew for a long time that my relationship was on its last legs. We were doing all that we could to try and like leave no stone unturned. We really loved each other, right? But ⁓ it was an eventual place that we had to get to where we finally acknowledged. Sasha Pearl: ⁓ yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): like this isn't working, this isn't sustainable. It was around the same time that my dad was reaching the end of his Alzheimer's journey. So I had these two major pieces of my life where I was just in anticipatory grief at losing this important person and losing this important person, both my men. And it all happened at once. My dad passed away in January of, I guess it was 23, 24. And then three months later, broke things off with my fiance and left our shared home, had to move three times right into an RV, then into a house with housemates, and finally into my own little space. And it was just this wild time because think of like the the floodgates opening, right? When you're in anticipatory grief, you're trying to hold it together because you have no idea how long you're going to be there, right? So you kind of need to figure out how to just get where you need to go and stay and like bear down, right? And then once these things finally pop, it's like, okay, all my tears that I've been holding in, ⁓ they have to come out of me. So it was this really pivotal and empowering and tragic just every Sasha Pearl: Mm-hmm. Larissa Bell (she/her): kind of time. And it was in that moment. I remember sitting in the RV and just kind of allowing all my bodies, all my feelings to course through my body, right? And just being there. And it was in that moment where I had a conversation with myself from like, I need to heal well from these traumas. I need to heal well. I do not want this to go in a direction where I'm stuffing things down and just have to deal with it later, right? It's always been important to me. ⁓ to do that. And so I was like, okay, let's do another life audit. And the way I framed it was like, let's look for all of the non self loving behaviors that I'm exhibiting. What am I? Sasha Pearl: That's powerful. Larissa Bell (she/her): Hey, what am I doing that feels like I am not loving myself? And I make this point often with clients, with friends. It's like, it's not about the thing. It's about like why you're doing it or the attitude or the energy behind it. Cause we can work out, we can work out because we love our body. We can work out because we hate our body, right? It's all about what's behind it. And so I was just taking a look at like, what do I do and why? What am I doing to numb myself? What am I doing to escape? my problems that need dealing with, right? And so it was just piece by piece, because in that time it was also, okay, let's really look under the hood financially, see what our spending habits are, see what our saving habits are, right? Like actually go through the muck and make some big girl decisions. And so that choice to stop drinking was a part of that wave, that next audit that I did. ⁓ and it was a really cool time because it got me back into a flow of working out with a personal trainer. And then I found a really cool strength training gym that you go to as well, you know, and just like different eating habits, choosing company a little bit differently, right. And like really establishing that steady practice of like regular alone time. It all came at once. And so it was really this like medicinal next wave of things. Sasha Pearl: Thank Larissa Bell (she/her): in terms of like how I was showing up for myself. Sasha Pearl: I love that practice. do you often have, mean, okay, so for people who don't know Larissa, she is a very introspective human being and has obviously your projector. you just are, you have so many like deep insights that when you share them, it's like really, really lands, right? So do you do a lot of journaling practices or, cause every time you're talking about these like pruning or like these questions, I think of this like, Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. Sasha Pearl: pros and cons list almost, or like some sort of like quadrant thing where I'm like writing down what's working, what's not, right? Because as for projectors, our signature state is success. So what is actually causing success or how do I love myself even more, right? Because if loving yourself at its highest, most optimized version of you, that is success to me, right? And so it's like even looking at it from that perspective where the other side is bitterness. like, The things where you're not loving yourself and you're becoming bitter around, what is that about too? So yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah, yeah. Well, I think that like one of the one of the main ways that I like make a practice of like tuning inward the way that I love to do it is taking quiet walks in the woods. No music, no music, no podcast, no nothing, just your footsteps and your breathing pattern and your heartbeat and the thoughts that are just swirling around in your head. And I want to clarify. that it's not setting out with a mental intention. I need to figure this thing out. Instead, I love to like loosely grip a question or I'll call it walking with a question, you know? And it'll be super broad, right? What do I need more of? What's my spirit calling for? something super broad and open-ended, and then whatever wants to come up and get my attention on that walk typically does. There's this meme that made me laugh because it was so it. It was like someone saying, ⁓ cite your sources. How did you come to that conclusion? And the person says, it was revealed to me on my walk. That's so it. Like I will go in and I'll feel so cluttered and I'll feel, ⁓ just whatever I'm navigating. And I'll go on this walk in the woods and I am touching all of the plants around me. I will probably get poison oak one day. Just like being like laying on my belly by the river and just watching it flow by and just like being in nature. and not trying to mental my way through anything. And I literally, it's just moments of an insight arriving. It's like a bubble coming up to the surface and that, you know? ⁓ And it's so beautiful and it's so important to me to do that. And I realized I go back and before I knew that was what I was doing, I did that as a kid. I would go out either on foot or on my bike. I would have my CD player, right? And I would like start an album. Now just go out for the duration of an album, start it over, go back for the duration of an album. It would just be out in the world and just feeling like the sun on my skin and just kind of tootling around. and I would always come home feeling more connected to myself, right? Because when you're in motion like that, and when it's just you and the environment around you, like the outdoor environment, it strips you out of that context of like, here I am in my relationship dynamics. And you know what I mean? You just get to be you. Just like a little being, just moving through space, attached to nothing, just kind of flowing with it all. ⁓ And I'd say that's like the main practice that I have. Of course, journaling comes next, right? Because sometimes you do need to like capture it externally. But I'm not that in depth of a journaler, right? I'm not filling pages. It's honestly, it's like, ⁓ there's something that wants to come through me. me ⁓ spit it out onto a page, right? Sometimes it's withdrawing. Sometimes it's with like, the setup means something. It's how I organize the information. But yeah. It's that dedicated time alone with myself outside that is so key for me. Sasha Pearl: Yeah, well, and if you think about it too, it's like walking is meditative. It's one foot in front of the other. It's something you don't have to think about. You're in the woods. You're deeply supported by these like beautiful old trees, ancientness, right? And the perspective changes, right? Because you're looking around and instead of looking at a computer or this microphone or like, you know, everything that's been like manmade, it's like these plants chose to exist here. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. Sasha Pearl: thousands of years ago. Like there's just so much healing involved in just walking in nature, which I love. ⁓ As far as the journaling practice, I feel like for me when I was, I think my friend was a big writer and I'm just not a big writer either. And we ended up buying journals together. And the practice was to journal every single day. And... I like legitimately got so angry at her because she didn't she wasn't journaling every day and I was like but I'm journaling every day and I was like and I it was like so I was like like as if there's a right way to journal right now I just do have you ever done automatic writing ⁓ my god it's so powerful to like then go back and read it you're like I am just so wise but it's like I feel like we are always forgetting the messages that come to us and then we have to learn again and remember again of like, ⁓ yeah, I literally have pulled up journals where I'm like, I knew this four years ago. And I'm like. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yes. ⁓ my God. Yes, that is actually such an important piece of it. in terms of like, whenever I work with clients who want to hone in on their intuition and want to feel more led by intuition or really just have a sense of like, often it's how do I decipher between my intuition and my anxiety or my intuition and my old wounds or like my inner child who's so scared, like how do I know? Or maybe it's even the voice of my mom or my dad, right? It can be really tough to know, but Sasha Pearl: It's Woo. Larissa Bell (she/her): of the things that we do there is a writing component to it because we can have these big you can have an epiphany and it can come and go and you just move on with life right and it's actually so important to like capture the evidence Sasha Pearl: Bye. Larissa Bell (she/her): of what you were thinking and what you were feeling. It's such a good idea, even if it's not a full journal where you're filling out a page every day. Do what resonates with you. For me, I have a note in my phone. And part of what was really important for me in this work was having just like a little insights tab. Here's something that bubbled up for me. And then I actually have to go back and look at it. One of the things that, ⁓ I feel like the breakup is coming up a lot in this dialogue. One of the things that like nudged me in that direction or nudged us in that direction was I grabbed a random journal to go spend a day at the river together. And it was like an old journal, not one I was currently working on. And the first page that I flipped to was an entry of mine from like two years back. And guess what? I read it and I was feeling and grappling with the same things that I was grappling with that day in the relationship And it was just this unlike it's it's staring you in the face. It's data. It's like girl You've been wondering if this thing is gonna change for years Here you are today What are you gonna do? Sasha Pearl: in the ⁓ Larissa Bell (she/her): You want to wait a couple more years? You're welcome to. You can keep circling through, you know, if you want to keep repeating this lesson. But it's really cool to use our intuition as data in that way, right? And when we actually do put it on paper or in a note in our phone or wherever else you want to put it, it becomes solid. It's not just this floating thing that just flitted by and we don't really take it seriously. like, ⁓ I felt this and I'm committing it to paper. to force myself to acknowledge that this exists, this feeling exists. Right? Sasha Pearl: How interesting. It's like giving it, it's like almost like writing it down. It gives you like the validation that it exists. Very, I've never even thought of it like that. Cause I, I also can't read my handwriting. So. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. That's future use problem. Sasha Pearl: But I love it. It's just like, yeah, it was important enough to be like written down and like processed through my, at least my mind, my body to, I love that. Like, I love that. It's like, no, this is like my commitment to myself and like, my feelings are real and they were embodied and you know, the list goes on. Thinking about it as like this sacred ritual, right? And I guess, yeah, what is your perspective on intuition and how people, because to your point, you're like, ⁓ that dropped in and then you didn't write it down, nothing happened and you didn't make any meaning of it or like you didn't take like the wisdom that was meant for you. And so then you, you know, two years later, go down the line and you're like, I'm still making the goddamn the same. I'm thinking about the same things. I'm making the same decisions. Like what is your relationship to your own intuition and how are you practicing intuition on a daily basis? Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah, no, that's great. And I think like this is such a big theme for me because I spent so many years overriding my intuition, right? Because this is everyone. Everyone has a sense of intuition. You can view it as something that's biological, physiological. You can view it as something that is divine and spiritual. It's kind of both, right? And so the thing is like a person who isn't in touch with their intuition, it's not because it's a weak intuition. It's often because there's just so many other Sasha Pearl: Mm. Larissa Bell (she/her): sources of input that we have grown overly reliant on or overly trusting on, right? And we are conditioned to do this, right? Societally, like we are never taught as kids, hey, you've got this sense inside you, this compass, this thing that's pointing you towards things that feel like yes, yes, yes, and away from things that feel like no, no, right? And so for me personally, that pruning, Sasha Pearl: Mm-hmm. Larissa Bell (she/her): that approaching a more minimalist lifestyle energetically has been huge. So I just have fewer like, I'm not as bombarded with messaging. Relationship to social media is huge. That's one that I'm still working on. Especially like when running a business, relationship to social media is something that we all need to figure out for ourselves, right? Because if we feel that sense of I have to be on it, we never really give ourselves that permission to disconnect from it. So that's its own thing. But I think that for me, I try and keep it so simple and not overcomplicate it. And I really try and view it as like, I am going to feel it viscerally in my body when I desire something, when I want to go towards something. And it feels like, yes, it's in the yes zone, right? And I'm going to feel resistance in my body. It's going to feel like my heels are digging in when something or something within a thing is a no for me when that's really not where I need to be, right? And so I feel like I committed myself to things like aspects of my career, going more into like the sciences when I'm an artist and a creative and way more whimsical than that. You can teach yourself how to do pretty much anything. You can figure out how to exist in a space, whether or not it's a great match for you. Some people build very successful careers doing things that feel like a no inside, right? So this isn't meant to limit you. It's really just meant to like guide you towards things that are going to feel a little bit more freeing and more like they flow and less like you're pushing that boulder up a hill. So for me, it's so many small moments of checking in. And then it's gentle questioning. And I'm not severe with anything. Again, I'm not like ruthlessly cutting things out. It's more, right, you know, no, no need, unless it's like, ⁓ that's objectively toxic and unhealthy. Yeah, okay, maybe stop doing that. But again, it's like the don't throw the baby out with the bath water thing too. Maybe there's something I'm doing, but the way I'm going about it doesn't work for me. Maybe there's, maybe it needs a Sasha Pearl: Yeah Larissa Bell (she/her): adjusting so that I can release some parts that feel less like a good use of my time and talent and move me a little more towards the things that feel really good and flowing. Right? So I think to put it simply, it's a constant like checking in with myself, engaging, like does my body feel lit up by this? Do I feel like I'm humming? Do I feel seen here? Right? Or do I feel like I'm having to convince, having to force something? to go well, having to like do more mental emotional labor than is really my share, right? Those are the kind of things that you'll feel when something when there's some misalignment present. I'll say that because again it doesn't have to be so black or white. There's a lot of gray here too. Sasha Pearl: Mm-hmm. ⁓ yeah, intuition is very interesting. Do you also use the tarot or oracle or dream, dream journaling as well? What are your like, so it sounds like you do a lot of internal questioning, which I love. That's so, powerful. Is there anything else that you do to practice intuition and listening to your body? Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah. Totally. like, it's been an interesting journey because I've used a lot of external tools and I love, I love all of the things in my toolkit. So human design is in there, astrology is in there, I have the pattern app, right? And then just the tools of like prompted journaling and also guided meditation. Those are the things that I love to share. Those are the things I love to receive, right? So like, I've got a few people on like my support team. I see a psychic. She's amazing. I love what my favorite thing to do with her is just because she does these really like lengthy meditations with hypnotherapy. And I just get to go into this really gooey space. And that's felt so aligned having these things that are really just pointing me back to myself. or really just getting me into a receptive state so that I can notice what's coming up in here. Because these other things like human design, I don't view human design as prescriptive. I don't. I always see it as something like this is offering language. This is offering things for you to like, hey, take a look at that and see, does that resonate? Does that give you a new way to express yourself? But it's always the truth lives within you, right? but I've had more recently more of the like, okay, just like inward facing, just like guide me in kind of experiences have resonated so much and felt so free fall. Sasha Pearl: I that. I want to underline the truth is within you. I think that's actually really profound because I think that there, especially as people who are more sensitive and more on the spiritual spectrum, we tend to be like seeking outside of us. Like the other person has more information than we do. And I feel like that's just the more that we can insource instead of outsource is where we're actually going to find that alignment, the authenticity and really feeling fully expressed in the world. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yum. none of these things are meant to tell you who you are, right? It's always just a roadmap back to you. Sasha Pearl: Yeah, always say that. I always say that. Yeah. Larissa Bell (she/her): Yeah, and I think, I mean, it's important. It's important too, because I think that we can take any one of these tools and we can make it prescriptive, right? Because we're not looking at where we're not trusting ourselves. We're still just looking and it could be anything, right? I can look at my astrology and be like, give me the answers. And that's just not the right relationship to have with it. Sasha Pearl: No, absolutely not. I also hate when people use their designs against them. Like they're like a victim to their astrology chart or a victim to being a projector. And I'm like, I'm oops. And for me, I'm like, no, I'm literally obsessed with all of my energy. Like I'm obsessed with it. Like how can we just be obsessed with it? know, because it's like, it is you. You're not escaping it. Your soul chose this specific incarnation. Like. Larissa Bell (she/her): Hmm. I can't see that. you Sasha Pearl: We must, we must accept it and not use those anything against us in that way. So for our final question, I love to end the podcast with is if someone were to really know you, what would they need to know about Larissa Bell (she/her): Yes. Hmm. That I am a soft and gentle teddy bear and I've also got fire and spice and I really like that and to know me is to be loved by me. I love to know others deeply. It is an honor and a treasure when others share their stories and their hearts with me. It's why I'm so in love with hosting community connection circles, women's circles, things like that. I don't take it lightly when people share and trust me with that information. And it is just as meaningful and beautiful for me when others are down to get to know me and receive me and hold me in those spaces. and beyond too. So I just have so much love for anyone who is tuning into this conversation. have so much love for you, Sasha. And this was such a fun journey this afternoon. Sasha Pearl: Yeah. And for anyone who can make, who lives in Bend and can make it to a connection circle with Larissa, I finally, that worked with my schedule like two weeks ago, three weeks ago, whenever the last one was, it was honest. You just hold the space that is so warm and inviting and people who you bring into your world are also those types of people. So it just makes these like intimate connections feel comfortable, especially when you don't know someone in the room. ⁓ so highly recommend her connection circles and Larissa. How can people contact you, find you, beep you, you know? Larissa Bell (she/her): Yes, come knock on my door here in Beijing. Or don't do that. Find me on Instagram, shadowlightwellness at shadowlightwellness.com website is the same shadowlightwellness.com. Send me a DM, introduce yourself, let me know that you listen to the podcast ⁓ and let's just chat. Sasha Pearl: ⁓ then last thing you have the heart to heart community as well. Want to talk about a little bit? ⁓ Larissa Bell (she/her): I do. So that's a great option. That's my virtual women's group. So that's a really nice one because anyone not location dependent can join in. So that's like our monthly delicious sacred space that we build with great intention. do a lot of the things that we mentioned in this conversation. We do guided meditation, some prompted journaling, some circle sharing in community and some one-on-one partner exercises. So that's a really fun way to drop into these kinds of spaces and leave feeling more connected to yourself. and more connected to others. So that door is open. Contact me if you want it. Sasha Pearl: Awesome. Yeah. And we'll have all the links in the show notes. So thank you so much, Laura, for being on. This was such a wonderful conversation. Larissa Bell (she/her): Thank you so much.