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I Love My Husband… So Where Did My Libido Go? · Mom Gone Mild

0:11
Hey guys, hope you had an amazing week if you're new here.
0:15
Wow, you really picked a very interesting episode to start
0:20
with, let's just say that. Welcome.
0:23
Anyways, it's a good one, I promise.
0:25
If you're back, this one might surprise you, too.
0:29
I don't normally talk about these kinds of things.
0:31
So First things first, if you are my father, my stepfather,
0:36
just anyone in my family who may be a little uncomfortable with
0:41
this kind of stuff, just please shut this off.
0:44
Like, right now. I'm serious.
0:46
It's going to get a little intense.
0:51
Kind of. Not really.
0:52
But this is your warning. All right, well, you've been
0:57
fairly warned and I don't want to hear like a text later like
1:02
this traumatized me and acting confused because you made the
1:06
choice. This is on you now.
1:08
So yeah, let's just get started. I asked you guys on Instagram
1:13
what you kind of wanted me to talk more about and somebody
1:16
said sex life after baby. And my immediate thought was,
1:24
first of all, I heard crickets. What sex life?
1:27
Like genuinely what are we referring to?
1:30
I just honestly, I almost didn't even record this episode.
1:34
I was like, damn, am I really about to just put all my, like,
1:40
life on the Internet? Do I need a bunch of people
1:45
knowing my business? Do I need this like, kind of
1:48
vulnerability in my life out there?
1:51
Probably not. But then I thought, you know
1:54
what? I've already shared so much of
1:55
my life. And if I'm sitting here feeling
1:58
this type of way, there's no way that I'm the only person feeling
2:03
this way. I hope at least because I feel
2:06
like this is one topic not a lot of people talk about.
2:11
And before I say anything else, because I know how the Internet
2:15
works, I need to make something very clear.
2:20
My husband respects me deeply. He is loving.
2:25
He is beyond patient, OK. He is really supportive and
2:30
honestly this man just treats me better than I ever thought I
2:34
deserved. This is definitely not an issue
2:37
with my husband. This is not like an issue
2:40
because we have problems in our marriage.
2:43
This is a me issue. This is a where did my libido go
2:49
because I've been looking for that motherfucker.
2:52
Honestly, why am I always tired? Why I don't know why do I love
2:58
this man with all my heart but my body just seems to be like
3:03
doing its own damn thing. That's the issue in reality.
3:07
Like even right now my hormones I'm I'm sweating talking about
3:10
the subjects. But it needs to be said because
3:12
as shitty as this sounds, I feel unsexy most of the time.
3:18
Yeah, I feel self-conscious more than I probably like to admit.
3:23
I feel really disconnected from my body most days.
3:27
And I'm sitting here almost 10 months postpartum wondering
3:32
like, shouldn't I be in a like the mood again by now?
3:36
I mean, I've had my period. Like what is wrong with me?
3:40
Meanwhile, my husband, this man I swear, could see me covered in
3:46
formula stains, baby drool all day, exhausted hair looking an
3:51
absolute feral mess. It never looks like, well, it
3:54
does, but not all the time. Just wearing the same oversized
3:57
sweatshirt over and over and somehow he still thinks I'm
4:01
beautiful. I mean, I love that man I, I
4:04
really do. He's my best friend.
4:06
But mentally I just miss the intimacy I guess.
4:10
I miss the closeness that we used to have.
4:13
I miss feeling freaking sexy, I miss feeling feminine.
4:16
I miss that connection that I had with him.
4:20
But my body, my just body just seems to be saying just
4:27
completely differently things. It's just like my body and brain
4:30
are disconnected. It's hard to even explain unless
4:34
you've lived like this because people just assume low libido
4:39
means oh maybe she's just not attracted to her husband
4:42
anymore. That is far from it.
4:44
I absolutely love my husband when he throws on a backwards
4:48
hat. Sexy.
4:50
I mean he is sexy but like I want intimacy with my husband.
4:55
That's literally why this is so upsetting.
4:58
My brain wants closeness. My body is just acting like
5:03
we're still in survival mode. Damn.
5:06
I mean 10 months in and it's still like this.
5:08
And by the end of the day, honestly, I've been like
5:13
non-stop being needed by Axel. I've just been in like constant
5:18
mom mode. As soon as I wake up I think
5:20
about naps. I think about what is this guy
5:22
going to eat because now he has to eat like 3 meals a day.
5:25
It has to be healthy. It has to be whole food.
5:28
You know, he's not crossing his milestones in time.
5:30
I have to clean the bottles, I have to do the dishes, I have to
5:33
now implement working out. And then it's freaking dinner
5:37
again and then groceries. And then it's just like trying
5:40
to remember if I even drank enough water because you know,
5:43
I'm my mind is all over the place trying to remember what
5:47
freaking day it is. I forget all the time.
5:50
My brain literally never shuts off.
5:53
And maybe some of you are like thinking like, damn, girl, you
5:58
have a lot going on. That brain is full.
6:01
And let me tell you, yes, I know.
6:05
That's why I feel like I kind of decided to do this episode.
6:08
I wasn't really going to do it, to be honest.
6:10
I kind of was just going to skip over it.
6:12
But I want to like unpack the stuff people don't usually say
6:16
out loud. It's uncomfortable.
6:18
It's not really day-to-day conversation and this may sound
6:22
dramatic, but I wish this season of my life felt a little bit
6:27
more Bridgerton. But it's giving just like Golden
6:29
girls. Actually.
6:30
Blanche had a lot of sex. So it's maybe like Sophia status
6:34
right now. Feel like my hormones, my mental
6:37
health, It's just like all over the place.
6:39
You know, I'm Co sleeping also. It's just like, does this
6:42
feeling of tired ever go away? And let's talk about my
6:46
confidence for a second because I'm going to tell you guys a
6:49
little secret. Actually, it's not a secret.
6:51
I tell you guys all this all the time.
6:54
I fake a lot of my confidence. Not all of it.
6:57
Some of it is real. I have built on it.
7:01
I have worked on it because my confidence was at an all time
7:04
low when I first had Axel. Some of it now is kind of like
7:07
showing up and just forcing myself to actually believe in
7:12
myself and that there's something in there.
7:15
But a lot of it, I feel like I practice confidence before I
7:20
feel it. I feel like, I think people
7:23
assume because I workout and because I have a podcast that
7:26
I'm like constantly talking and I'm, you know, posting pictures
7:29
in my like, sports bra for progress photos.
7:31
And just because, like, I hype a lot of women up and yeah, I
7:35
don't always feel amazing about myself.
7:37
It's easier to give, you know, other people uplifting messages
7:42
on yourself. Some days, I'm not going to lie,
7:44
I do catch myself in the mirror and I'm like, all right, girl.
7:48
Like I see a little booty popping.
7:50
But honestly, those days are so far in between.
7:55
I mean, I just feel still uncomfortable in my body.
7:59
I feel like now I have loose skin even though I'm working
8:02
out, I'm flabby. I, you know, I just feel like
8:05
really disconnected from myself. Like, you know, I feel like you
8:09
talk about this a lot, like I'm carrying a new version of myself
8:12
I'm not really fully connected to yet.
8:15
And does my husband care about that kind of stuff?
8:17
Absolutely not. He still finds me super
8:20
attractive, but I just catch myself all the time.
8:23
And I remember like, hey, you have PCOS.
8:29
Maybe that could be it. Your little fucking toxic bestie
8:34
that just keeps on giving. It's the gift that keeps on
8:38
giving. Because PCOS can also cause low
8:41
libido. So, you know, there's that along
8:45
with hormones, along with being postpartum, along with stress,
8:49
along with sleep deprivation. Because at this moment, Axel has
8:54
a new sleep regression where I'm freaking exhausted all the time.
8:59
And yeah, it just plays a role. But just knowing why something
9:04
is happening, it doesn't automatically, like, make it
9:08
easier. Like, does that make sense?
9:10
Because I'm still like, OK, wondering, like, when am I going
9:15
to feel sexy again? When am I going to feel me?
9:18
And I'm not talking about, like, feeling sexy like in pictures
9:21
because, like, you know, sometimes I just get like, good
9:25
lighting. I get cute angles.
9:26
I'm like, all right, kind of feeling myself.
9:28
But I'm just like comfortable in my own body, feeling connected,
9:33
feeling feminine, just feeling home, just like at home in my
9:37
body again. And I just feel like there's
9:39
such a disconnect right now. Maybe some of you are listening
9:42
and thinking, girl, I don't have this problem.
9:46
I have way more than one kid and I have a thriving sex life.
9:51
And how that is my question to you guys.
9:53
How? Because are you guys teaching a
9:55
master class? Do you have a handbook?
9:57
I will attend any Ted Talk and I swear I will take notes because
10:02
I it's hard sometimes it just feels like everybody else
10:07
secretly has just this figured out and I'm wondering like,
10:14
wait, am I struggling alone? Are we all struggling alone?
10:19
Am I defective now? I don't know, making time and
10:24
actually feeling connected enough to want intimacy.
10:27
Those are not always the same thing.
10:30
Don't hear enough people talking about this because I don't just
10:34
miss sex. I mean, I miss being
10:36
spontaneous. I Randy's going to kill me for
10:39
saying this, but I remember when we were dating, you know, we
10:43
would like have a get a little tipsy, go to sex shops, get some
10:47
toys. And now I can't even freaking
10:50
fathom that thought. Like he's probably going to kill
10:54
me for saying this. Sorry Randy, but yeah.
10:56
But I miss just feeling naturally playful.
10:58
I miss not like overthinking every single thing.
11:02
Feel like I'm always thinking what's the worst that can
11:04
happen? I miss feeling just feminine and
11:07
not having to work so hard for it.
11:11
I don't know, maybe that's just me.
11:12
Maybe that's part of this new reality that I have in my life,
11:16
or maybe it's just a right now feeling.
11:18
But yeah, we literally just came back from a beautiful resort
11:21
last weekend. It was beautiful, it was
11:23
relaxing. It was just us 3.
11:26
And this is my fault. I know.
11:29
Do you know what the sleeping setup look like?
11:32
2 queen beds. One for me and Axel, one for
11:35
Randy. Romantic right, I just I I don't
11:40
even form like sexy scenarios anymore.
11:43
It's just exactly what you pictured boring and before
11:48
anybody runs in my comments and they're like Oh my God, Co
11:51
sleeping is so bad look he is already big enough.
11:56
I don't care. I need my baby.
11:57
OK, respectfully let me live. And yes, I'm aware that this is
12:04
probably just not going to help with the spontaneous sexy time
12:09
because we had like 0 alone time and I mean zero.
12:15
I mean, when we used to go to hotels, you know, we used to
12:17
have like shower, like sex in the shower and we just were like
12:22
so passionate. And yeah, this time it was just
12:26
like parenting, but like in a prettier location.
12:29
I still had to worry about being a mom.
12:31
I still had to worry about like making sure I brought
12:33
everything. And that just like meant it just
12:36
like mentally messed with me because I want romance.
12:40
I want that closeness. I crave that connection with my
12:43
husband. But physically I feel like I was
12:47
literally tired from my vacation and never freaking relax.
12:51
I mean, obviously you know, I'm still carrying like he's just
12:57
like random thoughts. Like what's the worst scenario
13:01
that can happen while we're at this hotel?
13:03
And motherhood is weird because I feel 2 completely opposite
13:07
things at the same time. On one hand, I want to feel sexy
13:11
again. I want to feel beautiful again.
13:14
I want to like that intimacy with my husband.
13:16
Obviously I want that connection.
13:19
If not, I wouldn't have married him.
13:21
And just on the other hand, I am most of the time overstimulated
13:29
by the end of the day. Like, I'm just like, touched
13:33
out. Like, I just want to sleep.
13:35
I'm feel like I'm always needed. I'm always in mom mode.
13:40
My husband will do like, something cute, like, you know,
13:43
smack my ass in the kitchen. And part of me is kind of like,
13:46
OK, well, that was kind of cute. He still finds me hot.
13:52
And then there's this other part of me that's literally
13:54
internally screaming like please do not touch me right now.
13:58
Not because I don't love him, not because I'm not attracted to
14:03
him. I I already know what you guys
14:05
are thinking. And it's not that my brain just
14:07
feels overloaded, like maybe just my body never fully clocks
14:14
out of this mom mode. Even when I put him to sleep,
14:17
it's like I'm tired. Honestly, this is really hard to
14:20
admit because I don't want to feel like this obviously.
14:24
I mean I don't want my husband getting this exhausted, mentally
14:28
checked out version of me all the time.
14:31
It's just not fair for him. I mean it's not fair for me
14:34
either but you know. And this is just going to sound
14:37
messed up, but sometimes this is so hard for me to admit because
14:42
I'm really scared that one day he'll just stop trying.
14:46
Not like because he'd leave me. I, I mean, I'm hoping my husband
14:50
wouldn't leave me. I mean, you know, no one ever
14:52
plans that kind of stuff, but he's not the man that would.
14:56
And that's just not my fear. My fear is kind of like smaller,
14:59
but somehow it's sadder and it can get worse.
15:02
My fear is that one day he just stops flirting.
15:05
One day he stops asking for sex. One day he stops smacking my
15:09
ass, you know, stops looking at me every time I change or I get
15:13
out of the shower. You know, I pretend like it
15:15
annoys me. I really think it's cute.
15:18
But, you know, I'm just afraid he's going to stop wanting me in
15:21
that way. And the crazy part is sometimes
15:25
I'm simultaneously like, just don't touch me and also like,
15:32
please keep wanting me. I don't know.
15:34
That's so confusing, right? Like, imagine being in my brain.
15:38
I don't know. I mean, people say that it's
15:41
like, easy to figure out what women want, but I am a woman and
15:45
sometimes I don't even know what I want.
15:47
I don't understand us. And yeah, before anyone says
15:50
like, oh, just have a glass of wine.
15:52
It'll relax you. I try that.
15:57
I had one drink and absolutely not immediately.
16:02
I was like snoring obnoxiously loud.
16:05
I'm just like out for the night. Like see you tomorrow don't
16:09
bother me. So yeah, at this point I'm just
16:12
closer to, I don't know, taking pre workout before sex than I am
16:16
before, like pouring a glass of wine for myself.
16:21
And yes, I am semi joking, but not really mostly.
16:28
But there's just like another level of this conversation
16:32
nobody warns me about like actually having sex again after
16:37
giving birth. OK, We're talking about like
16:40
right after, you know, when you get the green light because can
16:42
we talk about how scary that part is?
16:44
I don't know. My doctor gave me the green
16:46
light around like, I think it was like 8 weeks postpartum or
16:49
something like that. I can't really remember.
16:51
And I just remember sitting there at the office and I was
16:53
like, girl, Are you sure? Because after pregnancy, after
16:58
AC section, after my body changing so much, I just was
17:02
just like, I'm someone's mother now.
17:07
I don't know, the idea of casually jumping back into sex
17:10
felt actually insane. And I think like what?
17:17
First, a little like context. So at 26 weeks pregnant, I think
17:23
I was put on like pelvic rest because of my short cervix.
17:27
I've told you guys this before. I was dilated early, so, you
17:30
know, we weren't having sex for a while now during pregnancy and
17:34
just meaning by the time that we got the like, all clear, you're
17:38
good to go. It has been a while.
17:41
I mean, do I remember how to do this?
17:44
That was like my first thought. I was like, do I need a
17:47
tutorial? Like, I mean, I don't know.
17:50
I was scared. I was scared of pain first of
17:52
all. I was scared of not being in the
17:54
mood. I was scared my body wouldn't
17:57
respond the way it used to because like we used to have a
18:00
lot of fun. Obviously I was scared it
18:03
wouldn't feel like me anymore. I was scared that he wouldn't
18:07
like it. And honestly, the first time
18:10
back, I know, and there's a little TMI, but it was painful,
18:14
it was awkward. It was a little, I guess it was
18:18
a little bit like, OK, we're doing this, you know, like slow
18:23
and steady. And it's like riding a bike,
18:25
like, you know, whatever they say.
18:27
But I don't know. I guess the surprising part was
18:31
the part that really messed with me was that my body wasn't
18:34
reacting the way I wanted it to. And that to me was so damn
18:39
frustrating because mentally, I promise you, I want it.
18:44
I wanted to feel sexy. I wanted to feel that
18:47
connection. But my body, it kind of has its
18:53
own mind. It's like it's fucking buffering
18:56
like the Internet. And now that I'm saying this out
18:59
loud, I'm like literally, I don't know, following sitting
19:03
here telling you guys this, I feel like I'm starting to just,
19:07
I guess realize that I'm just tired of feeling disconnected
19:12
from that part of myself. I hate what PCOS has taken for
19:17
me. It has taken so fucking much.
19:20
I hate feeling like my hormones are running my whole life.
19:25
I don't know. But maybe just reclaiming my
19:29
sexuality doesn't start with like magically waking up and
19:32
being like, it's Thursday, you're horny, you're just
19:36
healthy, you're confident, you're healed.
19:38
Maybe it's just smaller steps. Maybe it starts with
19:42
reconnecting with myself again. Maybe, you know, feeling
19:46
beautiful again, feeling feminine again, feeling just
19:49
safe in my body again. I love my body.
19:52
I love what it's done for me, but just I would love a little
19:56
less pressure, less shame, more curiosity.
20:00
Maybe I need to be more soft with myself.
20:03
Definitely I need to be more patient because I don't want my
20:06
old self back. I want this new version that I'm
20:09
creating. I want me as a mom, me as a
20:12
wife. I just, I just felt
20:15
overstimulated, but I'm healing. You know, I I'm exhausted with
20:19
myself too. I mean, I feel.
20:21
I just want to feel connected again and if you're listening to
20:24
this and you're like, holy shit, is this story about me?
20:30
I hope you guys get that reference.
20:31
But I and you just think like I thought I was completely alone
20:35
in this. You're not.
20:37
I promise you're not. And if you're one of those moms
20:40
that just have amazing sex five times a week with multiple
20:44
children, just like, are you guys taking different vitamins?
20:48
Like what are you guys doing? Because I definitely have some
20:50
questions. I am never really jealous of
20:54
women, but I'm jealous of that. So just give me some of that
20:56
confidence. But for everybody else sitting
20:59
and it's just like messy kind of middle.
21:02
I don't know. I'm like Stella trying to get
21:04
her groove back. I don't know.
21:07
I just want to let you know your scene.
21:09
We're going to figure it out. And honestly, maybe the whole
21:12
point of even doing this episode wasn't just to give advice,
21:15
because clearly I don't have advice.
21:19
I'm just telling you guys my problem and hoping that somebody
21:21
connects with me. But you know, it's just like I'm
21:25
figuring this out in real time. I've never once said that I was
21:28
an expert. So please don't come for me for
21:30
that. I'm just going through it now.
21:33
And maybe that's motherhood. Maybe that's the hormones, maybe
21:38
that's fucking PCOS, maybe that's just the season of life.
21:43
But I think somewhere between becoming a mom, being non-stop
21:49
needed, I just need to stop asking.
21:53
Like how do I get my libido back and start asking when did I stop
21:58
feeling like a woman outside of motherhood?
22:02
And that, that just hits like, because now it's not just about
22:06
sex, right? It's about identity.
22:09
It's about connection. It's about remembering, girl,
22:13
you were more than this then more than a mom.
22:18
You're still more than a mom. You are still yourself.
22:21
I need to remind myself I'm still a woman.
22:23
I am going to reclaim my sexuality.
22:28
I know I said it. I'm putting it out into the
22:32
world, put me in coach because we're working on it.
22:35
Maybe not like full Bridgeton the Duke status right now.
22:40
You know, baby steps, baby steps.
22:42
But let's go, Randy. No, I'm just kidding.
22:44
I mean, he would love that. But you know, baby steps because
22:48
we just spend so much time showing up for everyone else.
22:52
We show up for our kids. We show up for like partners,
22:55
our families, everybody else, and I really think it's time to
23:00
start showing up for ourselves, not perfectly, just not
23:05
immediately, little by little. And just, I feel like these
23:11
honest conversations, moments of softness, just attempting to
23:16
reconnect, one step towards our self again, not my younger self,
23:22
not that party girl self, because that was another version
23:25
that I don't want to go back to. It's just like this new version
23:28
of me. And I, I don't know, I just
23:33
think that she deserves to feel beautiful.
23:35
She deserves to feel loved, not that I'm not loved.
23:39
And she deserves, yes, great sex.
23:43
I also want to say this, being open and honest with your
23:47
partner has helped, well has helped me a lot because without
23:52
him I I don't know where I would be.
23:55
But I truly hope that you have that too, that support it just
23:59
really matters. I hope nobody has pressured you.
24:02
I really hope no one has made you feel guilty or broken or
24:05
dramatic or like, I don't know. Just like you're wrong for
24:10
feeling this way because you're not.
24:12
You are allowed to want intimacy and still struggle with intimacy
24:16
at the same exact time. You're growing, you're evolving.
24:20
You have every right to feel the way that you do.
24:22
And if you somehow ignored my warning and listened to this
24:26
entire episode and you're my family member and you're like,
24:29
what the fuck did I just listen to?
24:32
Now you know a lot more about me.
24:35
I know. And we are absolutely never
24:38
discussing this in real time. OK, All right.
24:42
But I do feel like that's kind of enough vulnerability for this
24:47
week. I have put it all out there for
24:51
you guys. I mean, I'm probably going to
24:53
overthink this episode so many times and I'm going to be like,
24:58
am I really going to just release this out there?
25:01
But you know, hey, that's life. This is a big part of it.
25:05
As always, 0 judgement here. I mean, maybe you're judging me,
25:10
I don't know. But if this resonated with you,
25:13
if you just felt been feeling like weird, disconnected, out of
25:17
touch, confused, exhausted, hormonal, overstimulated, or
25:22
like where the fuck is my libido?
25:25
This is for you. You guys are more than welcome
25:27
to slide on my DMS Seriously, let's talk about it.
25:30
Let's talk about sex. You are not alone.
25:34
So make sure to follow me on Instagram and Mom Gone Mild
25:37
under Score podcast. And also you guys, things are
25:41
coming to Mom Gone Mild in June. We are booked and busy.
25:46
So please like, comment, share, follow, subscribe, repost, send
25:50
it to anybody out there because all these things really mean so
25:54
much to me. I really just love seeing just
25:58
everyone's reactions to this and it genuinely like also mentally
26:03
helps me because I'm like, I'm just a stay at home mom, you
26:07
know, I overthink a lot. I definitely overshare a lot.
26:12
And basically my whole life right now is my husband Axel and
26:15
this podcast. So maybe that explains a couple
26:18
of things about what's going on. I'm just, I don't know, maybe
26:22
I'm just all over the place. But anyways, I love you guys so
26:26
much. And right now we're actually
26:27
doing a giveaway that's happening on Instagram. 1 lucky
26:31
winner will be receiving a $200 Wellness package of my favorite
26:36
goodies. I'm so excited for this.
26:38
I love you guys. I, I just love showering you
26:40
guys with what I can. And so official rules are on the
26:44
Instagram and winner will be announced June 12th.
26:47
So I just want to say bye guys and like OE same time, same
26:52
place. I just love you guys and thank
26:54
you for just creating this special safe just space for us
27:00
to talk. All right, love you guys.
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See you guys next week. Yeah.