Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / MY SEX TAPE, MY WORST NIGHTMARE **🔞🍆☠️💦😭😖**

Transcript

MY SEX TAPE, MY WORST NIGHTMARE **🔞🍆☠️💦😭😖** · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogie Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is.
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Speaker 2: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
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Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
0:25
Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to she Rises. It's Ashy
0:35
Speaker 1: and Tiana and we're so excited to be here. Today's
0:38
Speaker 1: topic is a little bit heavier and edgier for you
0:41
Speaker 1: to talk about. But before we get into it, we'll
0:42
Speaker 1: do our shares of the week. Mine is language shifts.
0:46
Speaker 1: I think language shifts are so powerful. So this just
0:48
Speaker 1: gives a little few examples of things that we tend
0:52
Speaker 1: to say and they come from a good place, but
0:54
Speaker 1: things we can say that are just nicer. So instead
0:58
Speaker 1: of saying I know what it feels like, let's say
1:01
Speaker 1: I can't imagine your heartbreak. Instead of saying you're strong,
1:05
Speaker 1: you'll get through this, let's say you'll hurt and I'll
1:08
Speaker 1: be here. Instead of saying you look like you're doing
1:11
Speaker 1: really well, let's say, how are you holding up today?
1:16
Speaker 1: Instead of saying healing takes time, let's say healing has
1:20
Speaker 1: no timeline. And instead of saying everything happens for a reason,
1:24
Speaker 1: let's start saying this must feel so terribly senseless right now.
1:29
Speaker 1: I just think, yeah, sometimes we say things and they
1:31
Speaker 1: come from a good place, but it almost blocks people
1:34
Speaker 1: from having a full expression of how they're feeling. And
1:38
Speaker 1: sometimes when people are grieving or they're going through something
1:41
Speaker 1: really hard, they need someone to just say how are
1:43
Speaker 1: you and like have a cry or say I'm really
1:46
Speaker 1: not coping or life's really hard right now. But when
1:49
Speaker 1: you say, oh, you'll be right, or everything happens for
1:51
Speaker 1: a reason, it just kind of like it doesn't give
1:54
Speaker 1: them permission to do it, and it doesn't create a
1:56
Speaker 1: safe landing spot for them to just fully feel everything
1:59
Speaker 1: they need to feel to heal through it. Yeah, you know,
2:01
Speaker 1: when you're going through something and someone's like, oh, don't worry,
2:03
Speaker 1: everything happens for a reason, it's like, well, okay, that
2:06
Speaker 1: does not help me feel good right now. Right now
2:08
Speaker 1: I'm in the thick of morning what I had or
2:10
Speaker 1: greeting what I want?
2:12
Speaker 2: You know, it does, it really does make you feel
2:14
Speaker 2: like you have to be, like you have to put
2:16
Speaker 2: on a front. It's almost like that person is saying, like,
2:18
Speaker 2: I'm expecting you to show up in this way, even
2:20
Speaker 2: it comes from a good place, yes, Or when you're going
2:22
Speaker 2: through it, you're like, oh, maybe there's no space for
2:24
Speaker 2: me to actually just feel how I'm actually feeling about
2:28
Speaker 2: this situation and maybe even bring my most raw emotions forward.
2:31
Speaker 1: You just need a moment for someone to hold it
2:33
Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, Like this fucking sucks right now, and
2:35
Speaker 1: it's hard always say like have that little pity party
2:38
Speaker 1: for yourself, but having people around you that can hold
2:40
Speaker 1: that for you so nice. What's your share of the week?
2:43
Speaker 3: Love that. My share of the week is just nailing
2:46
Speaker 3: the basics.
2:47
Speaker 2: So something that has been really really helpful for me
2:49
Speaker 2: when I've just you know, maybe you had like a
2:52
Speaker 2: harder season or things feel a little bit more heavy,
2:55
Speaker 2: you know, when you just kind of like you noticeably
2:57
Speaker 2: recognize I feel a little bit more tired lately, or
2:59
Speaker 2: feel a little bit more sad this season, or you know,
3:02
Speaker 2: I'm going through it and it feels really tough, Like
3:05
Speaker 2: in those moments, I think like nailing the basics is
3:07
Speaker 2: really important. And I've noticed, like when I've gone through
3:11
Speaker 2: those seasons, if I nail the basics, and what I
3:14
Speaker 2: mean by that is literally just like sleep, food, water, movement,
3:17
Speaker 2: and being kind to yourself and not isolating yourself, so
3:21
Speaker 2: like surrounding yourself at least once a week with people
3:23
Speaker 2: that you love, Like those things help get you through
3:27
Speaker 2: that season, you know. And it's like as soon as
3:29
Speaker 2: one of those or more of those things drop off,
3:31
Speaker 2: it's like you're suddenly in the trenches and You're like,
3:34
Speaker 2: now things are really feeling harder. Now I feel even
3:37
Speaker 2: more sad. Now I feel even more lonely. Now I
3:39
Speaker 2: haven't eaten all day and I'm starving, and you know,
3:42
Speaker 2: and then you just have low energy in it. Just
3:43
Speaker 2: all of those things have a negative flow on effect,
3:47
Speaker 2: they do. And so I think for me, just what
3:50
Speaker 2: has really been powerful is every time that I now
3:53
Speaker 2: notice and I'm feeling like in a harder season or
3:57
Speaker 2: stretched bits stretched, I check those things and I go, Okay,
4:01
Speaker 2: how's my food at the moment, how's my water?
4:03
Speaker 1: So?
4:03
Speaker 2: Am I getting enough sleep? Am I getting enough movement?
4:07
Speaker 2: Am I walking once a day? Because it's like those
4:09
Speaker 2: things are such a lifeline for me because I know
4:11
Speaker 2: if I have all that foundation is strong, then anything
4:14
Speaker 2: else that I experience on top of that, I know
4:17
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be able to get through it because I'm like, well,
4:18
Speaker 2: my foundation is solid. But then when I drop off
4:21
Speaker 2: those things, I'm like, I don't have a solid foundation
4:23
Speaker 2: to be like, well, now I can deal with this
4:25
Speaker 2: heartbreak or now I can deal with this hardship at
4:28
Speaker 2: work or this friendship challenge or you know, it's like
4:31
Speaker 2: those things will just feel ten times heavier on a
4:34
Speaker 2: rocky foundation.
4:35
Speaker 1: That's so true. Foundation is so important and it's good
4:38
Speaker 1: to have a little checklist. It's like when I'm feeling off,
4:40
Speaker 1: I'm feeling stretched, it's also burnt out or whatever. It's like,
4:43
Speaker 1: I just go back to that. I am in control
4:45
Speaker 1: of that. Because a lot of things that you get
4:47
Speaker 1: stressed about or you're going through, or how people are
4:49
Speaker 1: responding or what's happening at work or whatever, or finances
4:52
Speaker 1: right now, like a lot of them, you might not
4:53
Speaker 1: have instant control over those. You do, Yeah, let's really
4:57
Speaker 1: harness into those and lock into those, and it will
4:59
Speaker 1: make a world of difference.
5:00
Speaker 3: It's like focusing on the things that you can control
5:02
Speaker 3: love it?
5:03
Speaker 1: Okay, So today's episode it is definitely a heavier, edgy
5:06
Speaker 1: one for you to talk about. I've heard this story
5:09
Speaker 1: and you have spoken about it on stage once a
5:11
Speaker 1: couple of months ago, which I know was a huge
5:14
Speaker 1: accomplishment for you. But speaking to tens of thousands of
5:17
Speaker 1: people and sharing this really vulnerable story that happened to you,
5:22
Speaker 1: I know it is really hard. So I'm really proud
5:23
Speaker 1: of you for being here today and sharing it. Thank you.
5:26
Speaker 1: You guys obviously saw the title that Jianna had a
5:29
Speaker 1: sex tape released, So take me back, Who was it with,
5:34
Speaker 1: How did it happen? How did you find out?
5:36
Speaker 3: I already feel emotional.
5:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so okay.
5:40
Speaker 2: Like literally any woman's worst nightmare, Like I had a
5:43
Speaker 2: sex tape of me released without my consent at nineteen
5:48
Speaker 2: years old. I was seventeen in the video though. Oh
5:53
Speaker 2: and yeah, it was with an ex partner of mine
5:56
Speaker 2: who I had been with for three almost four years.
5:59
Speaker 3: It was like on and off.
6:01
Speaker 2: It's like one of those you know, your first relationship
6:04
Speaker 2: not very healthy, it's quite toxic, including my own behavior
6:07
Speaker 2: in that relationship.
6:08
Speaker 1: But you have a really bad breakup and was that
6:10
Speaker 1: like revenge porn.
6:12
Speaker 2: I mean, I can't imagine it being anything else.
6:15
Speaker 1: You know, it's a messy break.
6:17
Speaker 2: Like our relationship was very damaging for the both of us,
6:19
Speaker 2: Like we just were both so young and didn't know
6:21
Speaker 2: how to navigate each other, and we hurt each other
6:23
Speaker 2: and it just wasn't healthy. We were constantly breaking up
6:26
Speaker 2: and getting back together. And probably halfway through our relationship,
6:30
Speaker 2: we decided to make an into my video. And the
6:34
Speaker 2: thing is, at the time and I look back now
6:36
Speaker 2: and I really recognized, like I knew it was wrong,
6:40
Speaker 2: but I obviously was like wanting to do it and
6:42
Speaker 2: experience that with my partner, and I was like, Okay,
6:44
Speaker 2: maybe we've been long enough together. And I saw myself,
6:46
Speaker 2: you know, getting married with him and potentially having kids,
6:49
Speaker 2: and I.
6:49
Speaker 3: Thought it was my forever person, you know.
6:50
Speaker 2: I was like, of course, I can trust this person,
6:53
Speaker 2: like I would never in a million years have thought that.
6:55
Speaker 3: We done that.
6:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, trust them.
6:58
Speaker 2: And whilst our relationship wasn't the healthiest, it was like
7:02
Speaker 2: we had this unspoken bond that like I just knew
7:05
Speaker 2: ever in a million years thought that he would do.
7:07
Speaker 3: That, you know.
7:08
Speaker 2: So I was actually at home this one night and
7:11
Speaker 2: I was laying in bed watching Netflix and one of
7:14
Speaker 2: my best friends, Laura, she called me up and she
7:16
Speaker 2: was like, Tiana, I need to see you. Can I
7:19
Speaker 2: come over? But it was like she wouldn't tell me
7:22
Speaker 2: what it was about. And that was really unusual because
7:24
Speaker 2: like we were so close that it was like we
7:26
Speaker 2: would literally just voice message each other back and forth,
7:28
Speaker 2: and she would tell me anything.
7:30
Speaker 1: Just stomach drop.
7:31
Speaker 3: I was like, something's wrong, Like, something is wrong.
7:33
Speaker 2: I think I had like a thirty minute wait for
7:36
Speaker 2: her to get to my house, and I was just
7:38
Speaker 2: like sitting on the end of my bed, like with
7:40
Speaker 2: my thoughts and just like thinking like worst case scenario,
7:43
Speaker 2: Like I thought, you know, maybe something bad had happened
7:45
Speaker 2: to her, or like something bad had happened even to
7:48
Speaker 2: like someone we know. Like I was just like thinking
7:49
Speaker 2: worst case scenarim like did somebody get hurt? Did somebody
7:52
Speaker 2: hurt you?
7:52
Speaker 3: Like what happened?
7:54
Speaker 2: And she like walks in and sits on the end
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Speaker 2: of my bed and she was like, I was sitting
7:59
Speaker 2: at a house party at Jamie's house, which was her
8:03
Speaker 2: boyfriend at the time, and she was like, I was
8:05
Speaker 2: sitting around a fire and I could overhear people on
8:09
Speaker 2: the other side of the fire talking about you. Naturally,
8:12
Speaker 2: I like shut up and I leaned in so I
8:14
Speaker 2: could like listen, and they were talking about how they
8:18
Speaker 2: had just watched a video of you.
8:21
Speaker 1: Did you know in that moment it was your intimate
8:24
Speaker 1: video or had you forgotten that you had made it?
8:28
Speaker 2: I knew what it was, but at this point I
8:30
Speaker 2: hadn't even told her what it was, like, I didn't
8:33
Speaker 2: share that. It wasn't something I even shared with my friends,
8:36
Speaker 2: and so I was like, Oh, I know what it is,
8:38
Speaker 2: but I'm not allowed to say what it is. It
8:40
Speaker 2: was like I need to take this to the grave
8:41
Speaker 2: because this is not something that people do. Like that
8:43
Speaker 2: was the assumption she had. I felt so much shame
8:46
Speaker 2: around her. And what was even worse, like when she
8:51
Speaker 2: shared that with me, she was like, they were all
8:53
Speaker 2: talking about a video of you on their phone and
8:55
Speaker 2: one of them had it on his phone and they
8:58
Speaker 2: were watching it like around the fire, and she was like,
9:01
Speaker 2: I left as soon as I could to come here
9:02
Speaker 2: to tell you, and I just like was in shock,
9:05
Speaker 2: Like I was terrified. My heart like sank out of
9:11
Speaker 2: my chest, and I was just like having flashbacks of
9:14
Speaker 2: like the type of video that I actually did make,
9:17
Speaker 2: and thinking like people are gonna fucking call me a slot.
9:20
Speaker 3: People are going to be so ruthless with this.
9:24
Speaker 2: They're gonna hate me, They're not want it gonna be
9:26
Speaker 2: my friend, Like, you know, I'm literally gonna get like
9:29
Speaker 2: isolated and pushed down out of the town because people
9:32
Speaker 2: are never gonna be friends with a woman who has
9:34
Speaker 2: a sex tape, you know.
9:36
Speaker 3: And like the thing in the back of my mind
9:38
Speaker 3: as well, was like.
9:40
Speaker 2: How the fuck am I gonna explain this to my dad?
9:43
Speaker 2: Me going to my parents was like the most terrifying
9:46
Speaker 2: thing because I knew I was underage in the video,
9:50
Speaker 2: and I thought that there was something that they could
9:52
Speaker 2: do to stop it from going around the town, because
9:54
Speaker 2: it was like eventually people you know, sharing it and
9:58
Speaker 2: watching it while I'm sitting in the gym training, and
10:01
Speaker 2: then people messaging me on fake accounts after being like, oh,
10:04
Speaker 2: by the way, I just want to warn you, like
10:05
Speaker 2: there's a bunch of guys in the gym watching it
10:07
Speaker 2: while you're training, like laughing behind your back kind of thing,
10:10
Speaker 2: and hearing people like walk past me and make, you know,
10:14
Speaker 2: comments and things like that in public settings, and you know,
10:17
Speaker 2: and it just like ruined like my reputation and my
10:20
Speaker 2: self confidence. And I just felt like I wanted to
10:23
Speaker 2: literally crawl into a hole and die.
10:25
Speaker 1: Likesh, yeah, I don't blame you.
10:27
Speaker 2: And I just couldn't get out of my head. Like
10:29
Speaker 2: when I found out, I was like, what are my
10:31
Speaker 2: parents gonna think? Like how am I gonna tell my
10:33
Speaker 2: dad that like his little girl is like you know,
10:36
Speaker 2: And I just felt like so like impure, you know. Yeah,
10:41
Speaker 2: And I was like something that is so intimate and
10:43
Speaker 2: private and like special is like no longer special because
10:48
Speaker 2: like all of these people who I don't know and
10:50
Speaker 2: who I haven't given permission to like see me naked
10:54
Speaker 2: or to see me having sex, you know, literally like
10:58
Speaker 2: being fucking penetrated on video. Like I just just like
11:03
Speaker 2: lost myself in it, you know, And I just wanted
11:05
Speaker 2: to run.
11:06
Speaker 3: All I wanted to do was run.
11:08
Speaker 2: The thing that I look back at now is that
11:11
Speaker 2: I had a conversation with my ex partner after we
11:14
Speaker 2: had made it about deleting the video, but I wasn't
11:17
Speaker 2: strong enough for my boundaries to continue pushing for that boundary,
11:21
Speaker 2: Like I said, I want to delete the video, and
11:24
Speaker 2: what he came back to me with was or.
11:27
Speaker 3: Don't you trust me?
11:28
Speaker 2: We've been together for one and a half going on
11:31
Speaker 2: two years, now do you seriously not trust me? And
11:33
Speaker 2: in that moment, I felt guilt and I was like,
11:35
Speaker 2: oh no, like of course I trust you, Like of
11:37
Speaker 2: course I do. Like what partner does it make me
11:39
Speaker 2: if I don't trust my partner with something so intimate?
11:43
Speaker 2: And yeah, it was like that moment that I just
11:46
Speaker 2: I didn't end up deleting it. And it was going
11:49
Speaker 2: around for a year and a half to two years
11:53
Speaker 2: before I had actually found out about it. Oh my gosh,
11:56
Speaker 2: it was circulating for me.
11:57
Speaker 1: Even if you wanted to get on top of it,
11:58
Speaker 1: was like so many people have seen it anyway. Yeah,
12:01
Speaker 1: So did you ever speak to him after? Did he
12:03
Speaker 1: send it to like a boy's group chat? Or did
12:06
Speaker 1: he send it to one friend who had sent it
12:07
Speaker 1: to someone else? Like how did it get around?
12:09
Speaker 2: So I had this conversation with him and he denied anything.
12:13
Speaker 1: Denied it.
12:14
Speaker 3: I would never do that to.
12:15
Speaker 1: You, So how did they get it? Then?
12:17
Speaker 2: So excuse What apparently was the case was the computer
12:20
Speaker 2: that we filmed it on was a friend like he
12:22
Speaker 2: lived in a house full of guys, Like there was
12:26
Speaker 2: like three roommates or something like that, and apparently it
12:28
Speaker 2: was one of the roommate's computer, and apparently it was
12:33
Speaker 2: the friend who actually did it and not him.
12:35
Speaker 1: But I just do you believe it?
12:38
Speaker 2: No?
12:38
Speaker 3: I don't.
12:39
Speaker 2: I don't because I actually had confirmation from another friend
12:42
Speaker 2: of mine who was a good friend of his, who
12:45
Speaker 2: had openly said, we've sat around on a Friday night
12:48
Speaker 2: having drinks like watching it. And then it just went
12:51
Speaker 2: like a fucking wildfire around my whole town, and I
12:55
Speaker 2: was just like, there is no life for me here.
12:57
Speaker 1: And did you have a job back then, and did
12:59
Speaker 1: this impact your work?
13:00
Speaker 2: The way that I found out was that I entered
13:03
Speaker 2: the competition Miss World Australia, and I had a lot
13:06
Speaker 2: of like news press go out around, like going in
13:09
Speaker 2: that competition, and so I was getting like media things
13:12
Speaker 2: happening and you know, interviews and going on TV and
13:15
Speaker 2: stuff like that, and then then it started to circle.
13:19
Speaker 1: So take me back to the night you're with your friend.
13:24
Speaker 1: You obviously wanted to hide, guessing you're crying, You're emotional.
13:27
Speaker 1: What's your next step? Do you call your mom and
13:29
Speaker 1: dad that night? Do you wait till the next day.
13:32
Speaker 1: What happened after that?
13:33
Speaker 2: That night, my friend left and I ended up just
13:38
Speaker 2: like crying, Like I sat in the shower and I
13:41
Speaker 2: was just like, how am I going to overcome this?
13:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, like I don't know.
13:47
Speaker 2: I don't have the tools, I don't have the resources.
13:49
Speaker 2: I don't no, Yeah, I don't know what to do.
13:52
Speaker 3: In this moment. And I just was like, there's got
13:55
Speaker 3: to be a way to stop it.
13:56
Speaker 2: And I just ended up going to my parents and
13:59
Speaker 2: that night that night, and I told them what had happened,
14:01
Speaker 2: and they were so good with me about it, Like.
14:04
Speaker 1: What did you say to your dad? Like did you
14:07
Speaker 1: freak out?
14:07
Speaker 2: I said, just what had happened, what Laura had told
14:11
Speaker 2: me about a video and I had made a video
14:14
Speaker 2: like about being intimate, And yeah, they were both really good.
14:18
Speaker 2: They were like, Okay, what we'll do. We'll go to
14:19
Speaker 2: the police, like we'll put in a statement, We'll see
14:22
Speaker 2: if we can get the technology taken away and get
14:24
Speaker 2: it wiped and all that sort of stuff.
14:25
Speaker 3: So like they didn't judge or shame or anything like that.
14:29
Speaker 2: They felt it, you know, but I just like was
14:32
Speaker 2: so terrified because I knew that that would impact what
14:35
Speaker 2: other people would think of them, and what other people
14:37
Speaker 2: would think of my siblings, and like how that would
14:40
Speaker 2: you know, tarnish their reputation and things like that. It
14:42
Speaker 2: was the flow on effect and a couple of the
14:45
Speaker 2: boys technology got taken and apparently they didn't find anything,
14:48
Speaker 2: and then it just got like thrown out.
14:49
Speaker 1: After that, your parents went to the police. You went
14:52
Speaker 1: with them.
14:52
Speaker 3: I went with them.
14:53
Speaker 1: I gave your statement, wrote a statement. They then went
14:55
Speaker 1: to the boys that were showing the video. Yep, they
14:58
Speaker 1: got their phones, yeah, their computers.
15:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, all of their technology and like couldn't find a
15:02
Speaker 2: copy of it on there.
15:05
Speaker 1: And that all makes sense because I was showing it
15:07
Speaker 1: to people. Do they know the police were coming to them?
15:09
Speaker 1: So they just deleted Why they could.
15:10
Speaker 3: I don't know.
15:11
Speaker 2: I don't know what happened, but they only pulled up,
15:13
Speaker 2: like I think two boys and yeah, that was kind
15:17
Speaker 2: of it. And basically they just said to me, like, look,
15:20
Speaker 2: seventeen doesn't classes child pornography for under sixteen under sixteen, god,
15:24
Speaker 2: so there's nothing that we can do.
15:25
Speaker 1: And it was charged anyone.
15:27
Speaker 2: No. I remember thinking to myself, like I can either
15:30
Speaker 2: run and I can hide from this or I can
15:33
Speaker 2: face this and I can like stand true to like
15:35
Speaker 2: who I know myself to be. And I just was like,
15:39
Speaker 2: the one promise that I made to myself is like
15:40
Speaker 2: I'm not going to hide. And so I kept going
15:42
Speaker 2: to the gym, I kept walking every day, I kept
15:45
Speaker 2: posting on social media, and I just kept doing my
15:47
Speaker 2: thing because it was one thing that kept me feeling
15:49
Speaker 2: like my life was normal.
15:50
Speaker 3: Yes, you know, and even.
15:52
Speaker 2: Though I knew people looking at me, making jokes, sending
15:54
Speaker 2: me messages on fake accounts, trying to warn me about it,
15:57
Speaker 2: sending me copies of.
15:58
Speaker 3: It, like to be like is this you?
16:00
Speaker 2: And yeah, it was like from that moment that I
16:02
Speaker 2: really learned to lean on myself, you know, and have
16:06
Speaker 2: your own back, like I had my family and stuff
16:08
Speaker 2: like that, but like no one could relate to what
16:10
Speaker 2: I was going through and know how it would feel
16:13
Speaker 2: in that moment to be so isolated, to be so
16:15
Speaker 2: publicly humiliated and judged by like a whole town who
16:21
Speaker 2: you know, making assumptions about who you are as a person,
16:23
Speaker 2: or that you're a slut, or that you're you know,
16:25
Speaker 2: you're this and you're that, or like just making up
16:28
Speaker 2: stories about me, and it just was I was like,
16:30
Speaker 2: I only really have myself now, you know.
16:33
Speaker 1: Did you have any suicidal thoughts when you're going through
16:36
Speaker 1: this process.
16:37
Speaker 2: In the very beginning, yes, because I was like I
16:40
Speaker 2: didn't know how to overcome it, Like.
16:42
Speaker 1: You couldn't have seen the light of like you're getting
16:44
Speaker 1: through the other side and this being a thing at
16:46
Speaker 1: the past that no one like thinks about or talks
16:48
Speaker 1: about or sees you like that.
16:50
Speaker 2: I think more so in the first few weeks. It
16:53
Speaker 2: was like the first few weeks, I was like laying
16:56
Speaker 2: in bed at night being like, what am I going
16:58
Speaker 2: to do? Your life is over. If you ever want
17:01
Speaker 2: to like succeed in anything, this is always going to
17:03
Speaker 2: be a skeleton that will come back and buy you
17:05
Speaker 2: in the arse, and it'll ruin your reputation then and
17:07
Speaker 2: anything that you try to build for yourself will be
17:09
Speaker 2: tarnished with you being a slot and you being the
17:12
Speaker 2: girl with the video and like all of these things,
17:14
Speaker 2: and I just remember thinking like I don't see the
17:17
Speaker 2: way out, you know. I think I was grateful and
17:21
Speaker 2: lucky enough to be able to come out of that
17:23
Speaker 2: quickly because I was like, I don't have any other
17:27
Speaker 2: choice than to keep pushing through, Like I put on
17:30
Speaker 2: a bit of a front and I had ego up
17:32
Speaker 2: and I just pretended like I didn't care and like
17:35
Speaker 2: it didn't bother me, and then I would go home
17:37
Speaker 2: and cry at night, and like I just didn't let
17:39
Speaker 2: anybody see that it really impacted me in the way
17:41
Speaker 2: that it actually did, you know.
17:43
Speaker 3: And that was how I got through.
17:45
Speaker 2: But it was the most pivotal thing that I've ever
17:48
Speaker 2: been through because it taught me so many beautiful things
17:51
Speaker 2: about being able to rely on myself, showing myself that
17:55
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter.
17:57
Speaker 3: The biggest thing.
17:58
Speaker 2: The biggest thing was no longer being afraid of the
18:02
Speaker 2: fear of judgment.
18:04
Speaker 3: And it's not to say say that it doesn't come up.
18:05
Speaker 3: It still does.
18:06
Speaker 2: Like I'm human, but on that big of a scale,
18:10
Speaker 2: and like feeling it every day, getting messages doing this,
18:13
Speaker 2: people looking at you, like knowing that people had seen you,
18:16
Speaker 2: like in such an intimate way their words carry no weight.
18:19
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, like it was like, oh.
18:21
Speaker 2: Cool, Like there's nothing in life now that could scare me.
18:25
Speaker 2: When I've carried as much people see me literally have
18:28
Speaker 2: sex on camera, you know.
18:30
Speaker 3: So true for that, I'm so.
18:32
Speaker 2: Grateful all of the things that I think scare me
18:34
Speaker 2: in life.
18:35
Speaker 3: Not much more is worse than that.
18:37
Speaker 2: There are a few things, but like, not much more.
18:39
Speaker 1: That's pretty brutal. I'm assuming one of the loneliest things
18:43
Speaker 1: going through something like that is you don't have someone
18:45
Speaker 1: to relate to, you know, when you go through a
18:47
Speaker 1: breakup or you go through something hard financially, it's like, oh,
18:50
Speaker 1: I've been in that season. Oh my gosh, it's so hard. Yeah,
18:53
Speaker 1: you didn't have anyone being like, oh my gosh, town
18:55
Speaker 1: when this happened to me, this is how I got
18:57
Speaker 1: out of it. It's like you were there on your own.
19:00
Speaker 2: And you know what I think scared me the most
19:02
Speaker 2: was like every time I met someone new, like a
19:06
Speaker 2: friend or a potential partner, Yeah, I was like have
19:09
Speaker 2: they seen it?
19:11
Speaker 3: Like, have they seen it? Do they know about it?
19:12
Speaker 1: They used to ask that they're.
19:13
Speaker 3: Looking at me? No I didn't. I didn't.
19:16
Speaker 2: I'd be like literally thinking in my head like are
19:18
Speaker 2: they looking at me? Funny because they know they've seen
19:19
Speaker 2: it and they're just not saying anything. But then I
19:23
Speaker 2: made a pact with myself that every partner that I
19:25
Speaker 2: would meet after that, or that I would be intimate
19:28
Speaker 2: with or see or whatever. I would tell them straight
19:30
Speaker 2: away because I never wanted anybody to be able to
19:32
Speaker 2: hold that over me, you know, or like be like, oh,
19:35
Speaker 2: look at this skeleton in your closet. I would literally
19:37
Speaker 2: start seeing somebody for a long enough period of time
19:40
Speaker 2: for it to be substantial whatever, and then I'd be like, Hey,
19:43
Speaker 2: I just want to let you know, like this is
19:44
Speaker 2: a part of my past. If you're not okay with that,
19:46
Speaker 2: you can let me know, but you can let me
19:48
Speaker 2: know now because and I tell them the story and
19:51
Speaker 2: tell them how it changed me and all those things,
19:53
Speaker 2: and it was like a beautiful way for me to
19:56
Speaker 2: accept that as a part of my past and a
19:58
Speaker 2: part of my story, you know, but not let it
20:00
Speaker 2: define me.
20:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like that's the cool thing, is like this one
20:03
Speaker 1: sex tape does not define who you are as a woman. Yeah,
20:07
Speaker 1: isn't that just the coolest thing? When you go through
20:09
Speaker 1: those really hard times and it, like you said, it's pivotal,
20:12
Speaker 1: Like you probably wouldn't be the woman you are today
20:14
Speaker 1: and have the tools, the resilience, the confidence, the strength,
20:19
Speaker 1: the way you have your own back and you are
20:20
Speaker 1: your own best friend. Like I don't think you would
20:22
Speaker 1: have that now, if you weren't put through that experience,
20:25
Speaker 1: would you go through it again? Probably not.
20:26
Speaker 3: Would I like to you, absolutely not?
20:28
Speaker 2: No.
20:28
Speaker 1: Would you wish I to have put your worst enemy?
20:30
Speaker 3: No?
20:31
Speaker 1: Awful? However, we rise above, Yes, and you find the
20:35
Speaker 1: lessons and you push through, and you show yourself how
20:39
Speaker 1: capable you are and that you can get through the
20:41
Speaker 1: other side.
20:42
Speaker 3: You know what's beautiful about it?
20:43
Speaker 2: A lot of my clients do say to me, you
20:46
Speaker 2: don't judge, you have like a deep understanding. I actually
20:49
Speaker 2: had one client say this to me, there's nothing that
20:51
Speaker 2: I could bring in here that would shock you and
20:54
Speaker 2: make you judge me beautiful.
20:55
Speaker 3: And I was like, you know why, because I've fucking.
20:57
Speaker 1: Done it worse.
20:59
Speaker 3: Girl, I get it.
21:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, well, let me tell you. Sit down,
21:03
Speaker 1: gets some popcorn. You're embarrassed about that, I let me
21:05
Speaker 1: show you something, and.
21:07
Speaker 2: Like it's a beautiful thing, right because it's like a
21:09
Speaker 2: part of the reason I believe why I've been able
21:11
Speaker 2: to hold space for myself build a beautiful and like
21:14
Speaker 2: a more gentle and soft relationship with myself, then also
21:17
Speaker 2: hold space for my clients in that way, and then
21:20
Speaker 2: same with friendships, Like that's why I believe like I
21:22
Speaker 2: listen and I want to hear people's stories, and I
21:25
Speaker 2: have compassion for what people have been through, no matter
21:28
Speaker 2: how bad, scary, dark, shameful they think it is, because
21:32
Speaker 2: I'm like I've been there, Like if I can get
21:34
Speaker 2: what it feels like to be in the trenches of
21:36
Speaker 2: something that's hard and.
21:39
Speaker 3: Terrifying and mortifying.
21:40
Speaker 2: And shameful at yeah, you know, so it's like I
21:45
Speaker 2: get it, and like I see you and like it's
21:48
Speaker 2: going to be okay.
21:49
Speaker 1: And isn't that, you know, isn't that what we all
21:50
Speaker 1: want to be seen, heard and validated, not shame for
21:53
Speaker 1: our mistakes, all the things that have happened to us. Yeah,
21:56
Speaker 1: that's crazy.
21:57
Speaker 2: Wow. I just got teary then when I said it's
21:59
Speaker 2: going to be okay, it felt like a little like
22:01
Speaker 2: it's going to be okay to.
22:02
Speaker 3: Like little Tiana.
22:02
Speaker 1: I was going to say, yeah, just being.
22:06
Speaker 2: Like so proud of like you can get through anything
22:08
Speaker 2: you have.
22:09
Speaker 1: Was there anything any further discussions with your dad, because
22:12
Speaker 1: I know you have the most beautiful bond with your dad,
22:15
Speaker 1: Like Daddy's little girl, I am. He's so beautiful. He's
22:18
Speaker 1: a lover boy. This is even when I first met him,
22:21
Speaker 1: just like, oh, I can see like everything you described
22:23
Speaker 1: about him. He's just so beautiful. You're like, he'll take
22:25
Speaker 1: you in. I'm like perfect.
22:27
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like there's enough dad to go there's enough dad
22:30
Speaker 2: to go around.
22:31
Speaker 1: I feel like I've asked all my friends does to
22:33
Speaker 1: adopt me daddy issues and we will anyway bringing in.
22:37
Speaker 1: But yeah, was there any further chats with him? Did
22:41
Speaker 1: other things come up for him and you guys navigated
22:43
Speaker 1: it together. Was it kind of just he stepped into
22:46
Speaker 1: protective mode, like let's see what we can do and
22:48
Speaker 1: now I'm just here.
22:49
Speaker 2: For you stepped into protective mode. I think it was
22:51
Speaker 2: more like a this doesn't define you, like you're okay,
22:55
Speaker 2: you can do this, Like you're gonna be fine, Like
22:58
Speaker 2: this isn't gonna impact your future or anything like that.
23:01
Speaker 2: Soon people won't know about it and they'll be onto
23:03
Speaker 2: the next thing. And it's very always been very encouraging
23:05
Speaker 2: like that, and even in really hard times like hardships,
23:10
Speaker 2: he's just always known like the right things to say,
23:11
Speaker 2: like has a very positive outlook on life and like
23:14
Speaker 2: is really able to see through the ship and kind
23:17
Speaker 2: of like get to the lesson, you know, love that
23:19
Speaker 2: which I love.
23:20
Speaker 3: I think such a skill With my mom.
23:22
Speaker 2: It was a little bit of a different a little
23:24
Speaker 2: bit of a different thing because like, tell me about that.
23:26
Speaker 2: Growing up, my mom has always said to me. She's like, Tiana,
23:30
Speaker 2: do not let anybody feel me.
23:32
Speaker 1: Before this even happened.
23:33
Speaker 3: Before it even happened. And she was like, she wasn't,
23:38
Speaker 3: but she was like a little bit, she was a
23:41
Speaker 3: little bit.
23:41
Speaker 2: She was kind of like, well, yeah, she used to
23:45
Speaker 2: warn me about these things, you know, like.
23:47
Speaker 1: As you do, she's like, just.
23:50
Speaker 2: Be careful, make sure you make the right decisions. Don't
23:52
Speaker 2: let it force you into anything, like don't if you
23:54
Speaker 2: don't ever feel okay with something, don't do it, you know.
23:58
Speaker 3: And then I did and she.
23:58
Speaker 2: Was like, but this is why I tell you these things,
24:01
Speaker 2: not because I want to scare you, but because it
24:03
Speaker 2: can happen to anybody.
24:05
Speaker 3: Yeah.
24:07
Speaker 2: Oh that was hard, Yeah, but you know what, like
24:09
Speaker 2: I'm grateful for it all, babe. Like I honestly, if
24:12
Speaker 2: I could go back and I could take things out
24:14
Speaker 2: of my journey, I wouldn't take it out, really, I wouldn't.
24:17
Speaker 2: I would make myself grow through that every single time.
24:19
Speaker 2: If I had to come back to however, life works
24:22
Speaker 2: and earthworks. If I had to reincarnate, come back and
24:25
Speaker 2: experience the same thing again, I would leave it in
24:27
Speaker 2: there because like a huge part of my character now
24:30
Speaker 2: is a result of me going through that.
24:32
Speaker 1: So, you know, before you've got that perspective and outlook.
24:34
Speaker 1: And I hope everyone listening can take some moments to
24:37
Speaker 1: reflect on the things that have happened to them, because
24:40
Speaker 1: sometimes we can kind of get really stuck in the
24:42
Speaker 1: things that have happened to us, and it's hard to
24:44
Speaker 1: pull yourself out. And like I've evenly pushed back online
24:47
Speaker 1: when I say find the lesson, like, well, what's the lesson?
24:49
Speaker 1: And this horrible thing happening and get out some things
24:52
Speaker 1: I still don't have the lesson for. Yeah, for sure
24:54
Speaker 1: there is things that I say right now that none
24:56
Speaker 1: of us know why it happens to young children, you
24:58
Speaker 1: know whatever. But if you can, if you can find
25:02
Speaker 1: the lesson, if you can see the light, if you
25:04
Speaker 1: can grow as a p some build resilience and find
25:06
Speaker 1: gratitude in it in some way, shape or form, it
25:09
Speaker 1: will help pull yourself out of that.
25:10
Speaker 3: You know what to add to that?
25:12
Speaker 2: Stay curious, yes, curious, Like that's the reason why I
25:16
Speaker 2: will believe that I was able to get out of it.
25:17
Speaker 2: I'm like, cool, Okay, Well if this isn't the end,
25:20
Speaker 2: what's next?
25:21
Speaker 1: Yeah?
25:21
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, if this isn't all that there is for me,
25:24
Speaker 2: what else is? You know? And just following that little
25:27
Speaker 2: niggle that you feel in your chest of like there's
25:30
Speaker 2: more for me here, you know, And just reminding yourself,
25:33
Speaker 2: like if you've been through anything, and you've been through
25:35
Speaker 2: hardship or something that you know you feel like you're
25:38
Speaker 2: going through alone, just know that you're not alone because you.
25:41
Speaker 3: Have yourself, yes, and never alone, Like.
25:43
Speaker 2: You can rely on yourself so much more than what
25:45
Speaker 2: you give yourself credit for. And when you do and
25:47
Speaker 2: you show up, I promise you your relationship with yourself will
25:52
Speaker 2: be the best relationship that you have.
25:54
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. Yeah, Now fast forward, Your twenty six has
25:58
Speaker 1: happened quite a long time ago. Now does it ever resurface?
26:01
Speaker 1: Does anyone ever message you? Does it ever come up
26:03
Speaker 1: on conversation? Does it do ever pop in your inbox
26:06
Speaker 1: from a fake account? It's it ever come up again?
26:08
Speaker 2: I haven't seen or heard of it since I was
26:11
Speaker 2: probably twenty one.
26:12
Speaker 1: I love that for you.
26:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, we too.
26:15
Speaker 2: He I'm like, hopefully all those phones are destroyed. Yeah, yeah, No,
26:19
Speaker 2: I haven't seen it pop up. I haven't had anybody
26:21
Speaker 2: message me, which I'm really grateful for. I think as
26:24
Speaker 2: time goes on, people move on, people move on. Yeah,
26:28
Speaker 2: it's not always the center of attention. That'll be on
26:30
Speaker 2: to something else. And you know what as well, like
26:32
Speaker 2: that part of my life is so different and a
26:35
Speaker 2: lot of those people aren't in my life anymore, from
26:37
Speaker 2: that town, from that place, from that time of my life,
26:39
Speaker 2: and like, yeah, people are so worried about what they're
26:42
Speaker 2: doing that. Yeah, eventually when things like this do happen,
26:44
Speaker 2: it's like it fades out.
26:45
Speaker 1: It does you know. Yeah, Well, I'm glad you moved,
26:48
Speaker 1: wouldn't it you otherwise?
26:49
Speaker 3: I know it's the best decision ever.
26:50
Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much for sharing leading up to
26:52
Speaker 1: come to record this. I know you're feeling very nervous, ye,
26:55
Speaker 1: but there's so much beauty and what you've been through.
26:58
Speaker 1: You've come so far and you've grown so much. You're
27:00
Speaker 1: so strong and resilient because of that, and that's something
27:02
Speaker 1: to be really proud of.
27:03
Speaker 3: Thank you.
27:03
Speaker 2: I appreciate that sometimes topics like this aren't easy to
27:06
Speaker 2: listen to because they feel a little bit more heavy.
27:08
Speaker 2: But I just appreciate the space you're holding and listening
27:12
Speaker 2: and letting me be seen by you, like I.
27:14
Speaker 3: Really appreciate that. So thank you, she rises, she rises.
27:18
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us, guys, and we'll
27:20
Speaker 1: see you in our next episode.
27:22
Speaker 3: Bye by