Latest / Questionable Detour / Entrepreneurship, being homeless, and a guy is missing his pants.

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Entrepreneurship, being homeless, and a guy is missing his pants. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:26
  Yeah, we're talking about your neighbor's roof.
• 0:28
  Why do they suck so much?
• 0:29
  I wouldn't.
• 0:30
  Do we want to go over there and tell them that they need to do something different with their lives?
• 0:34
  I've tried. They won't listen.
• 0:37
  When do you usually go over there and tell them?
• 0:39
  1 AM.
• 0:42
  On a Wednesday night.
• 0:43
  Prime time, really.
• 0:46
  How do they normally react when you go and tell them that the roof sucks?
• 0:50
  There's a lot of fright.
• 0:52
  I can see it in their eyes. I can feel it in their loins.
• 0:54
  What do you...
• 0:56
  No wonder there's so much fright.
• 0:57
  They're feeling their loins.
• 0:59
  I can imagine. I don't think I'd be that receptive to you either.
• 1:05
  Could you imagine?
• 1:06
  It's not like a physical feeling. It's more of like an emotional, spiritual feeling of their loins.
• 1:10
  You are touching them though.
• 1:12
  Well, yeah. But like I'm not feeling their loins. I'm touching the low of their back.
• 1:18
  Oof. Yeah. The second most intimate spot on the human body.
• 1:22
  Evan goes in there and he says, hey, I'm just checking for tramp stamps.
• 1:26
  Just checking.
• 1:28
  So basically, to sum up the situation, you notice that your neighbors have a messed up roof.
• 1:34
  You go over there at 1 AM on a Wednesday.
• 1:36
  You get all spiritual. You touch them on the lower of their back.
• 1:38
  And then you go, I'm also checking for tramp stamps.
• 1:42
  And cancer.
• 1:44
  You're just checking various moles on them.
• 1:46
  They have a weak roof, but a strong body.
• 1:54
  What do they usually say to you when this happens?
• 1:56
  There's a lot of pleading for me to leave and just, I don't know.
• 2:02
  It doesn't go over well, but that doesn't mean to stop trying.
• 2:06
  That's why I go over every Wednesday, 1 AM on the dot. My alarm goes off.
• 2:10
  I'm there knocking on their storm door. I'm saying it's time.
• 2:14
  They must like it a little bit because they answer.
• 2:18
  Really, they say if you don't leave, we're going to call the police.
• 2:22
  But I don't think that that should stop me.
• 2:24
  Nobody's ever been successful from quitting.
• 2:28
  No, and they're just saying that because they don't know what I can really do for them.
• 2:32
  They're saying it because they're scared.
• 2:36
  And I get that. I get that.
• 2:38
  But that's just my chance to really come into that lower back and just let them know it's okay.
• 2:43
  Just let them know it's okay. Embrace it. Just embrace me.
• 2:46
  Look for any raised skin area or moles that might be dangerous.
• 2:51
  I'm starting to think this is less and less about the roof and more about you just wanting to touch your neighbors.
• 2:59
  My roof is just my way in.
• 3:01
  Once I'm in, I'm in.
• 3:05
  I see a guy walking around with a Pennzoil hat and they probably think he knows about a roof, I think.
• 3:10
  Oh, for sure. For sure.
• 3:11
  I think he can fix things.
• 3:13
  Cup full of my Pennzoil koozie.
• 3:15
  Yeah, that's right.
• 3:17
  I'm just whipping around some ice in my cup and my koozie.
• 3:21
  What do you normally wear when you go over there?
• 3:23
  My Pennzoil hat.
• 3:25
  Hopefully more.
• 3:29
  All white garb.
• 3:30
  All white garb. So like a sheet?
• 3:32
  It's linen. And it's actual clothes.
• 3:35
  I'm sort of like a Jesus to these people. So I try to dress the part.
• 3:41
  They've admitted that to you or is this just something you're assuming?
• 3:46
  I've ascertained it from what they've told me.
• 3:48
  Your humility, by the way, is just off the charts. I have never met someone more humble than you.
• 3:54
  No wonder you wear so much linen.
• 3:56
  I mean, it lets a breeze in and that's where I feel my humility the most.
• 4:00
  Is when I have a breeze going through my crotch.
• 4:05
  You're like, I feel so humble.
• 4:07
  It does take a bold man to wear that much linen though.
• 4:11
  You got to know what you're about. And boy do I.
• 4:17
  Oh, shoot. All right. Welcome to Questionable Detour.
• 4:20
  Y'all want to do some hypotheticals?
• 4:23
  Yes. No.
• 4:24
  Okay. We're doing it anyway.
• 4:26
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 4:31
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 4:34
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 4:37
  All right. So our first hypothetical.
• 4:39
  Now we know that entrepreneurship is the backbone of America.
• 4:43
  It's what raises us up to be the best country in the entire world.
• 4:48
  You know, we're intelligent people. We're smart.
• 4:50
  I think we are, could be the greatest entrepreneurs on the planet.
• 4:57
  Step aside Bezos. Step aside Gates.
• 5:00
  Us three are now going to be at the top.
• 5:02
  So we're going to give everybody advice here.
• 5:05
  If you were to start a business, what business would you start?
• 5:09
  I would start a dog rental service.
• 5:11
  So for the people who maybe they're like meeting up with some friends
• 5:16
  and they're trying to make themselves look cooler, look like they have animals,
• 5:20
  like I'll rent out dogs to them.
• 5:22
  However, it's not going to be a real dog.
• 5:24
  It's going to be me dressed up in a dog costume.
• 5:27
  Wilfred.
• 5:30
  So let me just let me paint this picture.
• 5:32
  Oh, please. You're talking to this girl.
• 5:34
  This girl says, I've got a dog. We're going to the dog park.
• 5:37
  You say, hey, I'd love to meet up. Can I bring my dog?
• 5:41
  You don't have a dog. You're poor.
• 5:45
  However, you contact me in my dog rental business.
• 5:50
  I put on my dog costume.
• 5:52
  I've got I've got different ones.
• 5:55
  I show up at the park.
• 5:59
  I bring my leash.
• 6:01
  You swipe your card. The transaction's done.
• 6:03
  I give you the leash. You just start walking me.
• 6:05
  I'm on all fours. I'm going over there to your date.
• 6:09
  What do you guys think about this idea?
• 6:11
  I think that's great.
• 6:12
  Is it a full body costume where your face is kind of sticking out of it?
• 6:15
  Or do you actually kind of like a mascot?
• 6:17
  My face is sticking out of it. But don't worry.
• 6:20
  Because I use like makeup to draw whiskers on my face.
• 6:24
  It's very believable.
• 6:26
  I like color my nose to look like a dog nose.
• 6:29
  You know, it's it's very believable.
• 6:32
  Now, what is the normal reaction for people when you show up
• 6:38
  and you are the dog that they are walking?
• 6:40
  So let's go throw it back to the situation you just gave.
• 6:43
  You're talking to the girl.
• 6:44
  She says she's going to take her dog to a dog park.
• 6:46
  You see an opportunity to get to know her.
• 6:47
  You don't have a dog, though, so they call you.
• 6:49
  You show up in your dog costume, painted on whiskers.
• 6:52
  What is the reaction of the girl?
• 6:54
  Usually, I think fear probably is is her first reaction.
• 7:00
  She's expecting a dog.
• 7:02
  Sounds on bread. She's expecting a dog.
• 7:05
  What she got is a little bit different.
• 7:08
  She might say, what's going on here?
• 7:10
  The nicer ones usually ask, oh, what kind of breed is that?
• 7:14
  And I don't respond because I am playing the role of a guy.
• 7:20
  You don't break character.
• 7:21
  I am. It's not my job to come up with a backstory for this jump.
• 7:26
  So he has to do all that.
• 7:28
  I mean, I just kind of sit there and awkwardly listen to him scratch myself.
• 7:33
  You know, I mean, I'm a dog.
• 7:35
  I'm playing a role here.
• 7:36
  That's what I'm hired to do.
• 7:38
  P on trees and stuff.
• 7:39
  Or how does that work?
• 7:40
  I start with that's a great question.
• 7:42
  Just like a non-territorial type dog.
• 7:43
  I'll do it on hydrants.
• 7:44
  I'll do it on trees.
• 7:46
  I do I do tricks to also nice.
• 7:50
  The base level package comes with your standard.
• 7:53
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:55
  Oh, we're going to run through the packages.
• 7:57
  Also, is there a subscription service for this?
• 8:01
  There is, depending on if you're seeing the same person over and over again.
• 8:05
  If you're if it's a repeat, you know, repeat date, you can hire me multiple times.
• 8:10
  But the base level package comes your standard sit, shake and roll over.
• 8:14
  I think that's what most people are looking for in a dog.
• 8:18
  Higher up there in different packages, we have things like play dead.
• 8:23
  I assume you take that to the extreme.
• 8:25
  You tie a noose, throw it over a branch and you kind of go all out.
• 8:30
  Yes, because while I am a dog, I am also an artist.
• 8:33
  This is this is a performance piece.
• 8:38
  At a normal situation like this, does the guy that rented you for the day, does he usually get a second date?
• 8:46
  I don't have a lot of repeat business.
• 8:48
  Yeah, that's I want to go back to your your tears.
• 8:51
  So I know you mentioned crying.
• 8:54
  Your tears of business.
• 8:56
  I'm not I'm not the one crying.
• 8:58
  OK, so you have your standard level, you know, is there at the very top, is there like a personal protection package
• 9:09
  where you're like a German shepherd who's been a canine police dog for 30 years?
• 9:15
  Maybe he's retired now. Yeah.
• 9:17
  Evan doesn't know how long dogs live.
• 9:19
  I don't know how long dogs live and I don't want to talk about it.
• 9:21
  OK, because.
• 9:23
  Yeah, yeah. So what you're what you're talking about is the back the blue bone package
• 9:29
  and back the blue bone is the package where I am a retired police dog.
• 9:38
  I back the blue. Yeah.
• 9:40
  I come with one of those little tactical vests.
• 9:44
  Yeah. The harnesses, if you will.
• 9:47
  I've got the little Velcro stickers that you put on strap on me.
• 9:51
  It's a it's a more aggressive package than than the standard and the other tiers.
• 9:57
  But I think it gets the job done, though. Yeah.
• 10:00
  People people are afraid when they see me roll. Yeah, I get it.
• 10:04
  They're like, this guy's got to be a maniac.
• 10:06
  Now, do you do you have like a union where you adhere to 15 minute breaks every hour
• 10:12
  where you may be you're doing tricks for on a first date, but then you go it's break time and you get them to smoke a cigarette.
• 10:18
  So that would be nice. And it might be something we bring in down the road.
• 10:22
  But right now, this is just a one man show.
• 10:24
  And I'm sort of a method actor. Sure.
• 10:27
  I've actually been playing the role of this dog for two days prior to the date.
• 10:32
  So I'm so into character.
• 10:35
  I don't I don't want a sig break.
• 10:37
  I don't need to I don't need to stop for a breather.
• 10:40
  You know, sir.
• 10:43
  We talked about how the women react.
• 10:45
  But how do the other dogs around you act when they see this coming up?
• 10:48
  It's a aggression sometimes, sometimes attraction.
• 10:53
  Oh, you know, I'd be an attractive dog.
• 10:57
  While the wild be a hot dog, while the human dates don't usually get get a return call.
• 11:04
  I've gotten a few from the dogs. Nice. Yeah.
• 11:07
  Yeah. Mixing a little bit of business with romance. That's right. That's right.
• 11:12
  Sounds illegal, but OK.
• 11:17
  You know, I'm a very caring person and I immediately am drawn toward the elderly.
• 11:22
  And nobody wants to get old.
• 11:24
  People spend thousands and thousands of dollars trying to stay young.
• 11:28
  And really, I see a market for that.
• 11:30
  I see a market for people that want to stay young.
• 11:33
  And, you know, maybe I'll do Botox.
• 11:35
  Maybe I will help them learn a new sport.
• 11:39
  I want to make them youth again.
• 11:41
  So what my business is going to be called is called euthanizing the elderly.
• 11:45
  So we want to we want to euthanize the elderly by showing them how to be young again.
• 11:50
  You know, make them make them wear backwards flat brim hats.
• 11:55
  Maybe give them a skateboard, make them go down a half pipe.
• 11:58
  You know, you want to make them cool to the young people again.
• 12:02
  So really, I go door to door.
• 12:04
  I say, hello, sir, do you have an elderly person in the house I can euthanize?
• 12:09
  And they usually I usually have to explain it a little bit because I am met with horror, horror, not whores.
• 12:18
  I am oftentimes not met with whores, but whore.
• 12:22
  I think you started off this day and age with the Internet.
• 12:26
  Sure. I think you need to be just drilling these old people with the Internet, just pounded into their old heads like a sweatshop style.
• 12:35
  Make make them in a windowless room.
• 12:38
  Yes. And just have them in front of a bunch of computers.
• 12:41
  And you make sure that they know that this is for their own good.
• 12:44
  Yeah. Do they ever want to have a relationship with their grandson?
• 12:47
  Exactly. They better they better get in here.
• 12:48
  They better type on this computer and they better learn it backwards and frontwards.
• 12:53
  I like that. I'm thinking a lot.
• 12:55
  I want to make them do a lot of activities because old people are so afraid of breaking their hips and other bones.
• 13:01
  I say, no, youth. Don't worry about breaking bones.
• 13:04
  If you want to be euthanized, don't worry about breaking bones.
• 13:08
  Climb that mountain based jump off of that 52 story building.
• 13:12
  I will push them off 52 story buildings.
• 13:14
  We get up to the top. They get a little little antsy, a little shaky.
• 13:18
  Don't want to do it anymore. Guess what I do. I push them off.
• 13:20
  Yeah, because really you're there to coach them.
• 13:23
  You can't expect them to do it on their own.
• 13:26
  You need to be there to provide support.
• 13:29
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:30
  My thoughts on what would euthanize the elderly is my thoughts on what would euthanize the elderly kids these days.
• 13:39
  Where they weren't there wearing cool hip clothes, skin tight, sometimes too tight.
• 13:45
  So what do we need to do for the elderly? Let's let's take them shopping.
• 13:48
  Let's get them some clothes that are a little too tight.
• 13:51
  Maybe they're cutting off a little blood circulation. That's fine.
• 13:53
  They're old. They don't have good blood circulation anyway.
• 13:56
  They've been pumping for years. Yeah. What's going to stop them now?
• 13:59
  So I think we need to get, you know, some shoes that have soles on them that are way too big that maybe they trip.
• 14:07
  Maybe they don't have the best balance when they're wearing them.
• 14:09
  But that's OK. They need to get used to it. Yeah.
• 14:11
  They need to get used to wearing euthanized clothes.
• 14:14
  So they got to, you know, wear some tank tops that, you know, it's cutting off showing some midriff.
• 14:22
  Yeah, there's nothing I like more than a 93 year old woman wearing a crop top.
• 14:26
  Yeah. So, you know, you just got to get them into the fashion world, really.
• 14:30
  I think that's a great way to euthanize elderly people, Evan. Thank you.
• 14:34
  Yeah. I think another thing that we could probably do for them, get rid of the racism.
• 14:40
  The old people are really racist and people now are not racist anymore.
• 14:45
  So you need to really get in there and have them relearn how to talk to other races.
• 14:51
  Yeah, how we abolished racism in modern America. We did.
• 14:54
  I completely forgot about that. It no longer exists.
• 14:57
  It doesn't. I'm concerned to what you've been going with your day to day.
• 15:01
  No, not me specifically, but like people around me, you know, I mean, I just never haven't thought about it.
• 15:06
  You know, I haven't thought about it in years because I guess I just haven't seen racism in years.
• 15:09
  Yeah. Yeah. You're not around enough old people, Evan. I guess, yeah.
• 15:13
  What's the best way to go about euthanizing elderly people, make them stop being racist?
• 15:18
  I would say have other people of other races, one of each. Yeah.
• 15:23
  Go to their home, sit down, have a meal with them, have them all go around the room, say one nice thing that they like about the other person.
• 15:34
  There you go. I like that. And then after that, they decide which race they like the least.
• 15:38
  And then that and then that race they get to be mean to.
• 15:44
  OK, OK. They can only be racist to one. Yeah, right.
• 15:48
  You know, better than all of them. One step at a time.
• 15:51
  One step at a time. I like that a lot. I thought you were about to say get every race, surprise them by having them crawl through their windows at night.
• 15:59
  That's another way to do it. Do you think that would help euthanize old people to help them stop being racist if they saw slightly tanner people climb through the window?
• 16:09
  I think that's the fear that those old people were raised on. So I feel like that's going in the wrong direction.
• 16:14
  Well, see, you know, as somebody that has many degrees in psychology, I call that desensitization.
• 16:23
  Right. You want to desensitize them from being racist once they know that all these tan people are coming into their windows and they mean no harm.
• 16:31
  Maybe they'll stop being racist. Yeah, that's true.
• 16:34
  And that's that's one of my businesses. My other business, I really am trying to get into the market of people that drive a lot.
• 16:41
  And y'all have all driven long distances and man, you get so tired.
• 16:47
  And, you know, I feel like people would pay a lot of money to be able to sleep while they're driving.
• 16:52
  My next business is called Cruising for a Snoozing. And what.
• 16:56
  So what what I do at Cruising for a Snoozing is I will be in other people's vehicle on long distance drives and when they get a little sleep, I say, go to sleep.
• 17:12
  And I reach over from the passenger seat and grab their wheel and let them take a snooze while I kind of weirdly, awkwardly drive their vehicle from the passenger seat.
• 17:22
  You don't you don't get into the driver's seat at all. You're strictly a passenger. No.
• 17:26
  And if there's other people in the car, so somebody's in the passenger seat, I'll have to do it from the back.
• 17:31
  That's not really an issue. But basically, I will let you sleep while you drive. OK.
• 17:36
  Are you pressing the gas for them and everything, too? No, I'm just going to.
• 17:41
  I'm just I'm just going to kind of let their unconscious feet just kind of dictate how that works.
• 17:47
  I've got an I mean, my idea would be maybe take like a broomstick or something from the backseat.
• 17:53
  You've got it. Oh, yeah. You've got it resting on that gas.
• 17:56
  Yeah. Maybe another one for the brakes. Maybe, you know, it seems it's getting a little complicated.
• 18:01
  You're basically a Mary, like the puppeteer with a marionette. Yeah.
• 18:05
  Well, the thing is, the broom might slip while it's on the pedal, too.
• 18:09
  So you got to tape it either to their feet or to the pedal. And I'm saying their feet.
• 18:13
  That just seems easier. So you got to really get in there because you can't tape it before they're ready to go to sleep,
• 18:20
  because then they're just going to have broomsticks on their feet.
• 18:23
  That's right. It's uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. They're not going to drive correctly.
• 18:26
  So when they're like, I'm about to knock out, you got to dive in their head first in their crotch, you know, in their lap and just tie it real quick.
• 18:34
  Tape it up there and then jump back in the back and then start whipping it.
• 18:38
  You know, yeah. However you need to do milk it like a cow. Yeah.
• 18:43
  You've got a like a rigging system or something with like a bicycle pedal back there where you're pedaling and it puts everything into place.
• 18:51
  Yeah. So you could even like kick it back to the old days and just cut out a section in their floor and Flintstone that baby.
• 18:59
  Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've thought about that. I've thought about that, too.
• 19:03
  But I think I mean, wouldn't you all want somebody that you just met that you're paying four thousand dollars because that's the price.
• 19:11
  It's steep. I don't quite know the market for it. I don't know how to price it out yet, but I'll get there.
• 19:18
  Wouldn't you all want somebody that you just met to help you all drive while you are asleep in the driver's seat?
• 19:23
  I'm going to say sometimes it might be better because the people that I know, I know how they drive.
• 19:28
  I don't want them behind a wheel. Exactly. This guy, he's a stranger.
• 19:32
  He could be could be a good driver. Yeah. Who wouldn't want to put their lives in the hands of a stranger?
• 19:36
  That's what I'm talking. You do it every time you order an Uber. That's right.
• 19:39
  And I think my business structure will be the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing.
• 19:44
  Yeah. You just don't you just don't provide your own vehicle.
• 19:49
  It's not on your insurance. Well, so how do how do the people reach out to you?
• 19:54
  How can they find you? How can they find you? You got a website?
• 19:57
  Well, I'll have a website set up normally, but you know, I think what I'm going to start doing is just kind of handing out
• 20:05
  just a blank white piece of paper with my address crudely scribbled on it.
• 20:09
  And I'll just go to Walmart parking lots and kind of and I won't say anything else on the paper.
• 20:14
  So what people are going to have happen is just they'll go back to their car from shopping
• 20:18
  and just have a white piece of paper with an address on it.
• 20:21
  If I could maybe put on there just something simple gets a point across like, do you like to sleep?
• 20:30
  Are you tired of this life? Something like that.
• 20:35
  Would you like for someone to take the wheel?
• 20:40
  I would hate for it to get confused for a religious business.
• 20:45
  I think Carrie Underwood's kind of cornered the Jesus taking the wheel unless.
• 20:49
  You would have to rename yourself to Jesus.
• 20:52
  Yeah, and I'm not against hiring somebody named Jesus.
• 20:55
  And then you could make the fun joke about Jesus.
• 20:58
  Take the wheel. But, you know, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
• 21:02
  All right, Evan, for a little business, a little little ditty, I whipped up.
• 21:06
  Do you ever just feel like you don't have enough light in your room?
• 21:10
  I often feel like that enough sunlight.
• 21:12
  It's just too dark, even with the blinds open, even with all your shutters and everything's open.
• 21:17
  And you just you just don't feel like you have enough light in there.
• 21:21
  Yeah, yeah, I can relate.
• 21:23
  OK, so my idea is to hang like a little just a little hanging contraption on some strings and whatnot.
• 21:30
  But it'll be made out of glass like magnifying glass.
• 21:33
  Oh, OK. Just a bunch of magnifying glasses roped together hanging in front of your window.
• 21:38
  Yeah. So whenever the sun hits it, it cascades that light brightly into your room.
• 21:43
  And heck, maybe you can't see a thing anymore because there's just sunlight in your eyes the entire time.
• 21:48
  But that problem solved. So if I'm tracking this right, you want to hang a bunch of magnifying glasses to magnify the light into your room.
• 21:56
  Right. And that will just, you know, it'll create just so much light in your room.
• 22:01
  Maybe you won't even be able to see. Now, Alan, think about this with me.
• 22:05
  Do you think that will become a fire hazard? I think very quickly.
• 22:08
  I think it would become a fire hazard almost instantly. You're thinking too much about it.
• 22:14
  So whatever whatever those magnifying glasses really just pitch that sunlight in there.
• 22:20
  Yeah, it might catch a bed sheet or something.
• 22:24
  And maybe you might get some holes squished in there like some cigarette burns. Yeah.
• 22:28
  And maybe some things might catch on fire. But what do you have home insurance for anyway?
• 22:32
  Right. If you're not scared of risking a little bit of fire every now and then.
• 22:36
  And you know what? I'm going to name this business. What's that?
• 22:39
  We're going to name it blinds because if there's one thing it will do, it will blind you.
• 22:46
  But you will not have the issue of light being in your not being in your room.
• 22:51
  And that's the problem we're solving with this. So as a blind person, you can take pride that there is light in your room.
• 22:57
  You just can't see it. Well, yeah, that's not your problem anymore.
• 23:00
  But at least you'll never have issue with not being able. Well, at least you'll never have the issue of your room being too dark.
• 23:09
  Because then everything will be too dark. So I like it.
• 23:16
  I think it could also double as a method for cooking because with that magnifying glass, you have a lot of heat.
• 23:23
  Yeah, I thought about that, too. Coming in. And really, you could even you could put it in your room and then just hang.
• 23:28
  Just line your walls with the meat and then nothing will ever catch on fire.
• 23:32
  You'll just have like a well-cooked steak at all times.
• 23:37
  So it's really solving two problems with one. You never have to cook again because it's going to do it automatically.
• 23:43
  So so you've got to remember to flip your right now.
• 23:46
  And then right now, if Alan and I came into your house, we would walk into your room.
• 23:52
  It would look like a either a place that a serial killer has taken hold into.
• 23:58
  Absolutely. Or a butcher shop. We prefer a shop.
• 24:03
  Yeah. With laser beam as flights flying through the window coming off these magnifying glasses.
• 24:10
  Yes. Slowly cooking just a little bits of meat. You will want to wear sunglasses.
• 24:14
  But yes, yeah. I mean, it takes a while because like you're saying, it cooks one little piece of the meat at a time.
• 24:21
  But as the sun shifts around, you know, Earth's orbit, then there throughout the day, whenever the sun is orbiting Earth's orbit, whenever the sun orbits the Earth, he's he's he's one of those people that believe the Earth is still the center of the solar system.
• 24:36
  That's something else.
• 24:40
  Whenever the sun makes its orbit around the Earth and it's going to change its spot in your in your house. So as the sunlight moves from east to west, as the sun moves, it'll cook a nice little line through your meat.
• 24:54
  And it won't look like seedy motel with cigarette burns everywhere.
• 24:58
  It looks like somebody took lasers and just slowly ran it across the back wall.
• 25:03
  It'll look like Cyclops took off his glasses in your room. But that's OK.
• 25:07
  Yes, Cyclops, he took off his visor and then he sat in an office and spun around.
• 25:12
  Yeah, yeah. But that's fine. Someone just sat there and shook his head too.
• 25:16
  But it's fine. It all works out in the end because at the end of the day, you can move the meat around.
• 25:24
  So I do. I move my meat around.
• 25:32
  Oh, shoot.
• 25:34
  Well, boys, I think we are about to really turn over the entrepreneurship game in the United States.
• 25:43
  So our next hypothetical is if you were homeless, what's your plan to survive?
• 25:48
  Boys, you got nothing going for you. So where were you going to go?
• 25:53
  Well, you know, we just talked about businesses. So we'll never be homeless.
• 25:55
  We'll always be flush with cash. But just hypothetically, if I were to become homeless and our airtight businesses were to fail, I wouldn't feel sorry for myself.
• 26:06
  You know, I feel like that's where when I see a homeless person on the street, I just go, he's feeling sorry for himself.
• 26:11
  I wouldn't. What I would do is I would change the hearts and the minds of the people around me.
• 26:17
  I would go to every homeless man, talk them up, convince them that being homeless is not only cool,
• 26:24
  it's better than having a home. Right. So I would slowly gather homeless people.
• 26:30
  I would give each homeless person glasses, sunglasses.
• 26:33
  So when they walk around, people that have homes will look at these homeless people with sunglasses and be like,
• 26:39
  man, that homeless man is so cool with wearing sunglasses and Walmart bags on his feet.
• 26:47
  What a cool guy. I wish I was homeless. Yeah, I wish I was homeless.
• 26:50
  They'll go, man, what am I doing wrong? They go home, they have a house, they look at the roof over their head and go,
• 26:57
  you know, I'm not in the rain that is happening outside right now. But am I really cool? Is this really what I want for my life?
• 27:06
  So slowly, people will start leaving their homes to become homeless. They'll start wearing clothes that don't fit.
• 27:13
  They'll start rolling in dirt. And all of a sudden, bridges become the most popular real estate ever.
• 27:20
  But then here's the thing. It was all a long con. Then the original homeless people, I'll move them into the houses of the people that left to become cool.
• 27:31
  Now, flip the script on them, really flip the script on them. So now all the homeless people that were original, and this was they all knew this plan, by the way.
• 27:42
  We sat down under the bridge at night, only lit by a fire and a drum. And I told them this plan. I was like, y'all have to trust me.
• 27:51
  I'm going to get your homes. And eventually, I will get them into the homes of the people that left.
• 27:58
  So basically, I'll become really this leader of the homeless people. Then I'll be a homeless person real estate agent and just kind of walk them through houses, you know, showing them all their different rooms.
• 28:08
  Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you run a real tight homeless ship around there.
• 28:15
  You know, I think a way that you can market the people to leave their homes is I mean, it's been done before the westward expansion in the eighteen hundred people left their homes.
• 28:25
  Yeah, basically became homeless people traveling around with next to nothing. Yeah, you just you just put it in.
• 28:32
  Put it in that viewpoint. Get them out of there. Get them to go live on their own. The world is so big and flat, but it's big.
• 28:42
  And why would you want to be planted at one spot? Who needs security? Who needs security? The elements aren't that bad.
• 28:51
  And you know what they've been saying lately is under the bridge is the new frontier. It's the next frontier for sure.
• 28:58
  But it's the new one as well. And that's just I mean, you really you tackle the scientific community and you you made them see it that way.
• 29:05
  Yeah, I mean, I'm really going for changing the world, change the world a little bit. That's good for you.
• 29:12
  We're always rooting for the homeless here. Yeah, yeah. We're literally we have signs and we go out there with our big number one finger,
• 29:19
  our fingers and we're like, let's go homeless. Now, let it be clear, we don't give them money or no. No, we just support them. They're just going to spend it on drugs.
• 29:28
  I mean, you know, yeah, I mean, that's just yeah, they're going to go with alcohol. Get a job, right?
• 29:32
  Like if you're homeless, just get a job. But like but we do support. We support them.
• 29:37
  We see one with a shopping cart full of various trash items and we're like, good job, man. Yeah, we might wonder where they got it from.
• 29:44
  Like, did they pay for it? But we don't we don't ask. We don't get a good job. That's not our business. We don't ask them.
• 29:49
  We don't get close enough to. Yeah, we just talk about. Yeah, we just from a distance.
• 29:55
  With weird jerseys that say go homeless people, but, you know, respectfully, respectfully. Yeah.
• 30:01
  All right. Well, my plan, if I if I ever hypothetically became homeless, obviously, blinds will never fail.
• 30:08
  But if hypothetically I became homeless and I was without home, I think I would start and I want to say a cult because that just makes it sound bad.
• 30:17
  Sure. But it's more of a bad commentator. Yeah, it's more of an army.
• 30:23
  So I would go into the woods. I would go into my my nearest woods.
• 30:30
  I would find every squirrel I can entice them with nuts and almonds and other various foods that a squirrel might eat.
• 30:39
  You covered him. Typically, it's just nuts. Yeah, you covered it.
• 30:44
  I would get them. I would get them in my servitude. I would have so many nuts that they they just come to me at will.
• 30:50
  Right. They know that I'm their master. I'm their commander.
• 30:54
  And I would raise up a squirrel army. And as as I gather enough squirrels, I would take them into the nearest home, the nearest neighborhood, suburbia.
• 31:05
  I would release them. I would drill little holes in addicts.
• 31:09
  I would release them into the addicts. I would have a squirrel infestation at every single house.
• 31:14
  They will be mating. They will be making more squirrels. Oh, I love it.
• 31:17
  The squirrel army. Did you say more squirrels or mole squirrels? Yes.
• 31:25
  Are you cross breeding? I'm so homeless. I am creating a new species of rodent.
• 31:32
  And it would be the mole squirrel. They can't see.
• 31:36
  They can't dig, but they can climb trees. Yeah. So they're a blind squirrel.
• 31:41
  You got you got rid of all of the cool mole qualities and you just made a worse squirrel.
• 31:51
  I just made a squirrel that just jumps out of a tree and just misses the branch.
• 31:59
  I say it's an evolution, but it's more of a de-evolution.
• 32:02
  They kind of a downgrade from a regular squirrel.
• 32:06
  So I try to kill those off as fast as I can. So we'll get back to the normal squirrel.
• 32:09
  Survival of the fittest. Right. But anyway, this neighborhood would be just infested with squirrels.
• 32:15
  The pest control couldn't even keep up. They all have to move out.
• 32:20
  As soon as they move out. You're talking about homeowners. Yeah, homeowners have to move out.
• 32:24
  And as soon as the homeowners move out, that's free real estate for me and my squirrel army to make more squirrels,
• 32:29
  take over cities, take over states, take over countries.
• 32:33
  Soon enough, the whole world is listening to me and my squirrel army.
• 32:39
  Some are blind squirrels, but we're still working that out.
• 32:42
  Yeah, we take care of them. So basically what I'm hearing is you're going to become a leader,
• 32:48
  grow an army and slowly call out the weaker ones that you don't deem fit. Yes.
• 32:53
  I feel like that's not been done before. Yes, I believe it has been.
• 32:58
  I feel like I'm making this up on my own here. I feel like this is like a new idea.
• 33:03
  Yeah, there was a leader that kind of called out the people he didn't like.
• 33:08
  Well, no, it doesn't come. Nothing comes to mind. So you're not seeing it?
• 33:12
  I'm not seeing it at all. No, it's no correlation. He's going to become the squirrel Hitler, Alan.
• 33:18
  Squirtler, if you want. Oh, squirreler.
• 33:24
  So basically, if I were to take the big picture view, me, that's not homeless,
• 33:29
  looking at a homeless person doing this, basically, it's going to be Evan in a park
• 33:34
  just chasing squirrels down with nuts and talking to squirrels, maybe poking the eyes out of some squirrels.
• 33:40
  I don't I haven't really figured out how do you find that.
• 33:44
  What do you think the timeline on all this is?
• 33:47
  Because there's got to be a lot of years where you're just hanging out in the park thinking, is this worth it?
• 33:53
  Well, I'd say the first five years probably going to be pretty depressing, demeaning.
• 33:59
  Not a lot of hope there. But then as I start to gather squirrels, probably around the 10 year mark,
• 34:04
  I've got about I don't know, really, once you get one, they kind of just all trickle in because they see one doing it.
• 34:11
  They're all going to do it. So by the 10 year mark, I'd say I get my first one around year six.
• 34:15
  By the 10 year mark, I'm at about 2000.
• 34:20
  They exponentially increase. Absolutely.
• 34:24
  I mean, really, one sees one and they all just it just cascades.
• 34:29
  And it's it's a beautiful thing that happens really for me. And squirtler squirtler, if you will.
• 34:36
  All right, Alan, you become homeless. What are you doing?
• 34:42
  So I become homeless. Just my business as as a dog actor.
• 34:48
  Yeah, is just in the drain. It's terrible. I've I've lost.
• 34:52
  I don't see that happening. I could not see that.
• 34:54
  I can't see a future with again. This is all hypothetical.
• 34:57
  I mean, as if that business would ever fail. This was not I would show up to somebody's door.
• 35:02
  Family opens the door of a man and a wife. I say, hey, mom and dad, it's me.
• 35:09
  And they say, what now? I say, hey, mom and dad, it's me.
• 35:13
  You repeat your son. Yeah, they're confused. They have no idea what to do.
• 35:17
  What are they going to do? Turn away their kid.
• 35:20
  I convinced them that they gave birth to me years ago, forgot about me, left me at the hospital.
• 35:28
  I was raised in that hospital. I never left.
• 35:31
  I spent time down. I was really raised in the boiler room by the mechanic, the hospital mechanic.
• 35:39
  Do hospitals have mechanics? I think they do in their boiler room.
• 35:43
  Do they have boiler rooms? This is an old hospital.
• 35:53
  This is an old hospital. It's very, it's very old.
• 35:57
  So, you know, gradually, you know, mechanic parent figure died.
• 36:01
  So I work my way up floor by floor in this hospital.
• 36:04
  In this 1840s hospital, 1840s hospital where the most advanced medicine they do is cutting off a limb
• 36:11
  with a saw and putting a piece of wood in your mouth. Very rusty.
• 36:15
  Very rusty saws. They didn't sanitize it before. No, no, no, no, no.
• 36:18
  They haven't. They haven't even heard of that.
• 36:20
  They think leeches are the tip of the medical advancement.
• 36:23
  But basically, I work my way up to the record room of the hospital.
• 36:27
  I find out, OK, I've been a lot of Elvis and yes, a lot of Elvis.
• 36:32
  It's like that's a record room. But behind all the records are hospital records.
• 36:44
  The way they the way they do it at this hospital is they pair your favorite record
• 36:49
  or what they think will be your favorite record in the future when you're born with your birth records.
• 36:54
  Wow. That's cool. Yeah. For a hospital with a boiler room, it's pretty advanced.
• 36:59
  Yes. Yes, it is. There are still records, though.
• 37:02
  It feels like a lot of wasted money on something that if it's stuck in a record room,
• 37:09
  it probably isn't seen by anyone but the hospital staff. It's not.
• 37:12
  It's not. The staff don't even go there. So they lock it up and that's it.
• 37:19
  They threw away the key. They're just like, all right.
• 37:23
  So after I've told obviously all this is pure fiction,
• 37:26
  this is a story that I'm cultivating to tell to mom and dad.
• 37:30
  Now I see why there's some that's right. I forgot.
• 37:32
  But mom and these people are probably I've scoped them out.
• 37:35
  They're not the brightest bulbs in the in the box. So I the story works on them.
• 37:40
  They say, well, man, I guess I guess we were there.
• 37:43
  I guess we did leave you for about the eighteen forties hospital that you had that baby.
• 37:48
  Yeah, that I raised for nine months in my stomach and then just completely forgot about.
• 37:52
  Yeah. Yeah. And ten months of my life, it takes a little bit more work on the mothers.
• 37:58
  The dads are the dads are usually like, well, I can I can see it.
• 38:02
  I feel like that could have happened. Yeah.
• 38:05
  The mothers are like usually. Wait a second.
• 38:09
  I feel like I would have remembered you leeching off of me for nine months.
• 38:15
  Yeah. But I was so drunk back then. Yes. Yes.
• 38:19
  And so I say that to them to make them feel real guilty about leaving me in that hospital.
• 38:24
  And so they're like, well, I guess we've got a room for you.
• 38:27
  What's your name? And I'm like, Thaddeus. Yeah.
• 38:30
  Yeah. Old name like that. Yeah.
• 38:32
  And they're like, well, well, probably happened in that old hospital. Yeah.
• 38:35
  That makes sense. So they walk in with you, this very dirty homeless man.
• 38:39
  They have kids already that they kept. They've got another family.
• 38:42
  And they just like, hey, kids, this is your long lost brother, Thaddeus.
• 38:49
  What do you do? Do you do something normally to try to win over the rest of the family?
• 38:53
  Or as a homeless man has been living on the streets.
• 38:56
  Once you've got the mom emotionally, you don't have to win the rest of the family.
• 39:01
  That's true. You you have that mom, the dad.
• 39:05
  He's probably doesn't even care about his own kids.
• 39:08
  Yeah. He went back to watching the game. Yeah.
• 39:10
  The big game was on. You time it around that.
• 39:14
  So you time it around the big game.
• 39:16
  So dad just walking the watch in the big game.
• 39:19
  You're telling him the story and he's just trying to get back to the couch.
• 39:23
  He says, he said, honey, can you shut that guy up? The teams are playing.
• 39:27
  Give him whatever he wants.
• 39:30
  I imagine he doesn't notice until the end of the game that he is so locked in that he looks over
• 39:35
  and there's a strange man with a bushy beard. Yeah.
• 39:37
  He's like, who are you? And you're like, I'm your son. He's like, OK.
• 39:41
  He said that tracks.
• 39:43
  Also lost in the game for the last 30 years.
• 39:46
  Dinner's ready in 30 minutes. And then he just walks off. Yeah.
• 39:50
  You think you could ever get him to play catch with you?
• 39:52
  I was going to say fetch, but you're not a dog.
• 39:55
  Well, not in this scenario. You've lost your business at this point.
• 39:59
  I think that would that's how you know you've won over the dad.
• 40:03
  OK, the game of catch. Yeah. Finally talking into it.
• 40:07
  He throws you that glove says, hey, son, emphasis on the son.
• 40:11
  He really emphasizes it when he says it kind of a little bit of a son.
• 40:15
  Hey, son, son.
• 40:20
  Is your dad a Japanese samurai? Sorry.
• 40:25
  I should have I should have specified my dad is the voice for any cartoon snake.
• 40:31
  That's why he sounds like that.
• 40:34
  But yes, the ultimate way to win him over is a game, a game of catch.
• 40:39
  Well, it looks like that we have plenty, which is starting multi billion dollar businesses.
• 40:43
  But we also have blimpy covered. All right.
• 40:46
  So our next segment is a new segment.
• 40:48
  Basically, what's happening is we have an AI, artificial intelligence, coming up with news articles about us.
• 40:55
  And what we're going to do is explain maybe what we thought during these events.
• 41:00
  We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. Breaking news.
• 41:05
  Hold on. This breaking news.
• 41:09
  Evan, you have a news article about Alan? I do. It's fresh off the press.
• 41:14
  This one's in the New York Times, actually. Oh, man.
• 41:16
  Oh, man. Time newspaper.
• 41:18
  See, I might have heard this one, but we'll bring it up anyway.
• 41:21
  A man named Alan from the small town of Roswell, New Mexico, has recently claimed to have been abducted by aliens.
• 41:26
  According to Alan, he was driving home from work one evening when he noticed a strange bright light hovering in the sky.
• 41:31
  The next thing he knew, he found himself on board an extraterrestrial ship.
• 41:35
  During his alien encounter, Alan claims to have been subjected to a series of bizarre experiments and tests,
• 41:40
  including a mind reading procedure that allowed the aliens to communicate with him telepathically.
• 41:45
  He also alleges that he was given a strange elixir that caused him to experience a heightened sense of awareness and clarity.
• 41:51
  Despite the skepticism of many in the community, Alan maintains that his experience was real
• 41:56
  and hopes to one day prove the existence of extraterrestrial life.
• 41:59
  For now, he is content to share his story with anyone who will listen
• 42:02
  and encourages others to keep an open mind about the possibility of life beyond our planet.
• 42:07
  Now, Alan, I'm a little bit offended that we're now just hearing this from a news article, and you didn't tell us yourself?
• 42:13
  No, and I was getting to that.
• 42:17
  That was the first thing you said. That would be the first thing I told anyone.
• 42:21
  It was on the docket. It was coming up.
• 42:23
  It was coming up. I had to talk to the Times, the Globe, appearing on many conspiracy podcasts since then.
• 42:33
  You guys are just further on down the list.
• 42:36
  Are you saying that the questionable detour podcast has less of an audience than the New York Times?
• 42:41
  Or less credibility? What are you trying to say here, Alan?
• 42:45
  I think the tens of listeners that we have, I think they would have probably found out some other way.
• 42:52
  I hate that we're so far down the line, but tell us about it. What are you going to adopt by aliens?
• 42:56
  First off, I'd like to say the Times used words like claim and alleged.
• 43:04
  I kind of feel like that sucks because these are not allegations. These are true things that happened to me.
• 43:13
  This is my life that they're toying with here, both the Times and the aliens.
• 43:20
  Who's the real villain? Well, I guess we'll leave that up to our listeners to decide.
• 43:25
  But the aliens abducted me on my way home from work. Here I am, just a regular guy.
• 43:31
  You're just a normal dude.
• 43:32
  Just a normal guy coming home from my work at the cannery.
• 43:39
  You work at a cannery?
• 43:40
  My shift was long, just tired, ready to go home. All of a sudden this light appears.
• 43:46
  I am teleported inside an alien spacecraft.
• 43:50
  Now, what's the inside of the alien spacecraft look like? What's it decorated? Is it decorated in any kind of certain way?
• 43:55
  They don't decorate. It's nothing but sheer metal. It's just...
• 44:00
  It's kind of bland?
• 44:01
  Very bland.
• 44:02
  Now, did you critique them on this? You're a big fan of decor and art.
• 44:08
  I figure you would kind of be upset.
• 44:10
  I was. I saw the nearest alien, grabbed him by the shoulders, and I said, where's the crown molding in here?
• 44:21
  Obviously, the alien didn't know what I was talking about, and he pulled out his finger and shocked me.
• 44:26
  Yeah. Oh.
• 44:27
  These aliens carry some sort of current that runs through their body that they can shock you upon touch.
• 44:34
  Is it love?
• 44:35
  It didn't feel like love.
• 44:38
  Evan's always trying to look for somebody to love him.
• 44:40
  I'm just looking for someone that has love flowing through them.
• 44:45
  It was not these guys. Not these guys.
• 44:48
  So you get abducted, you critique them and criticize them about their decor choices. He shocks you. What happens next?
• 44:55
  Well, when he shocked me, he immediately learned my language. So he's now able to communicate.
• 45:00
  Sure. Yeah.
• 45:01
  It's fine.
• 45:03
  Then the alien hands me this elixir and says, drink this elixir, to which I respond, you know, elixir? I hardly know her.
• 45:13
  I'm sure the alien got that joke.
• 45:16
  He did not. He did not.
• 45:18
  There's nothing worse than saying a joke and somebody not getting it. I bet that was very hard for you.
• 45:23
  It was. When I feel let down by my audience, I immediately think they're the problem, not me.
• 45:30
  Sure.
• 45:31
  Absolutely.
• 45:32
  So I just kind of started yelling at him. I was like, what do you mean you don't get this? It's a joke.
• 45:38
  Are you stupid?
• 45:39
  Maybe you need to drink some of your own elixir. Yeah. Yeah.
• 45:42
  Some clarity and awareness. It's a joke, just like your decor choices. Yeah.
• 45:46
  Idiot. And so I'm just I'm just saying things like that.
• 45:53
  I'm kind of looking at the alien's eyes. Most of the time I feel like they have blank faces.
• 45:58
  This one he had regret in his face. He picked up the wrong guy.
• 46:05
  He he should have, you know, picked up some sort of scientist or world leader.
• 46:12
  Instead, he picked up little old me. Yeah. The works of the cannery works in as hard opinions about decor.
• 46:20
  Now, what did the aliens look like? So they're about nine foot tall. Oh, big.
• 46:24
  Oh, big. OK. Yeah, that's actually kind of impressive that you stood up to that kind of person.
• 46:29
  Yeah. Yeah. That would be intimidating for me, honestly.
• 46:32
  Yeah. However, they walk on their knees. Oh, that makes more sense.
• 46:38
  So what are they about six foot tall on their knees?
• 46:42
  They're there from the knee to the to the foot to their three toed foot. Yeah. Is about five feet.
• 46:49
  Oh, wow. That's a long calf on them. Yes. The rest of the from the knee up.
• 46:55
  Very, very small people. Yeah. So they walk around.
• 46:58
  Yeah. So they walk around on their knees like that. I'm constantly tripping over these guys.
• 47:03
  Yeah. They got basically two tails. That's that's right.
• 47:06
  Yeah. Yeah. They're pink in color. Oh, pink. That's interesting.
• 47:10
  We don't hear too many pink. Hot pink. Hot pink.
• 47:13
  When they get sort of angered, though, they turn sort of a cool blue. Oh, that's nice.
• 47:19
  So blue. They probably turn a cool blue when you insulted them about the decor.
• 47:26
  Is that when you've noticed that they do change colors? Yes. Yes. I gave them a little insult.
• 47:31
  I immediately saw a color change. And now I'm not somebody that sees color.
• 47:36
  But I did. I did in that instance. I did take it. I did take a mental note of that.
• 47:42
  Now, what were the tests they ran on you? Simple math.
• 47:46
  Really? Oh, that's kind of how it started off with math test.
• 47:50
  What was the hardest question on the math test? The math was the easy part.
• 47:53
  You know, one plus four. Oh, they don't really think of humans in high regard.
• 47:57
  They do not. However, after the math test, we went right to soil testing.
• 48:03
  Soil testing. Wait. What's like you were testing like you tested the soil.
• 48:10
  I was testing the soil. And they were like, what does this tell you?
• 48:14
  They just sound like they outsource the job. What it is.
• 48:17
  They just couldn't get plants to grow. Like, what are we doing wrong?
• 48:22
  It was it felt like they just had to give me a basic math test to say that they did.
• 48:28
  And then I was hired and immediately I was a soil tester. Oh, OK.
• 48:32
  I'm testing earth soil. So do you have to pay taxes? What do they pay you in?
• 48:36
  They didn't. They actually I guess I was I was paid by sort of some gemstones that they provided me.
• 48:43
  When they get really flustered, they secrete gemstones.
• 48:47
  Oh, do I dare ask where they are secreted from? It's the bottom of their foot.
• 48:52
  Got you. So the bottom of their foot is obviously exposed because they're walking on their knees.
• 48:55
  Sure. So it just kind of pops right out. That makes sense. Interesting. Interesting.
• 48:59
  Are you sure you're just not picking up their defecations now?
• 49:03
  That's a great question. In the moment, all I saw were gems.
• 49:07
  So I just started grabbing them and just putting them in my shirt.
• 49:11
  I took my shirt off, made a little knapsack out of it and just got a bunch of gems jangling around in there.
• 49:16
  But the aliens just like looking at you like they didn't actually.
• 49:21
  Now, now, as I'm as I'm thinking about it, they don't sound very valuable.
• 49:25
  They were like, we hired a janitor to just cleaning up after us.
• 49:29
  They say they said the soil guy, does he do a clean up to the janitorial work?
• 49:35
  Well, I mean, how long were you how long were you on the spaceship doing soil samples?
• 49:39
  It was about two shifts. Oh, OK. Yeah. A shift is 36 hours.
• 49:44
  Oh, my God. That's a long shift. You must be very tired.
• 49:47
  I was absolutely worn out. Did they three days? Yeah.
• 49:51
  They put you back at your house or like where they put you back.
• 49:54
  Well, so they they did bring me back. I was dropped off in an indoor mall right in front of the Auntie Anne's pretzel stand.
• 50:02
  Oh, so they did you good. They did me. They did me good. Very convenient.
• 50:07
  Well, they said, you know, I think they were able to, you know, telepathically see what I wanted.
• 50:12
  They're like this guy likes cinnamon. Yeah. Yeah. Big, big cinnamon.
• 50:16
  So it's Alan walking to an Auntie Anne's frazzled from working for multiple days carrying a bag of rocks.
• 50:24
  Gyms, please. Little, little shiny rocks. I guess is all the gym is.
• 50:28
  Yeah, I'm sure those Auntie Anne employees were very, very upset.
• 50:32
  That is I mean, that's how I paid for it. Oh, they took that. They did. They did.
• 50:37
  Took their poop rocks. So are you expected to get rehired or?
• 50:43
  Yeah. Have you been in contact with these guys? How's your relationship these days?
• 50:46
  I think we were kind of working sort of on a contract basis. I was not ever really employed there.
• 50:51
  I think it was I think it was just sort of a one time thing. I don't know that they'll call back.
• 50:56
  We didn't exactly put it. You didn't exactly. Yeah.
• 50:59
  You didn't exactly put your best foot forward immediately.
• 51:02
  You immediately start insulting them about their decor and their humor. Yes.
• 51:06
  Not a great look when you're not not great, not great, which is probably why I haven't landed a real job.
• 51:11
  That's it. That's a great experience. Yeah.
• 51:14
  Wouldn't wouldn't trade it for the world, you know. Well, we believe you.
• 51:17
  Yeah, we believe you and we believe in life beyond this planet.
• 51:20
  Well, all right. Do you want to get to a Craigslist?
• 51:24
  Let's do it. Craigslist has got what you need, but sometimes Craigslist needs what you got.
• 51:29
  For our Craigslist post today, we had a very interesting person looking for something more than just love.
• 51:38
  And the post reads like this. Lost my pants.
• 51:41
  Good thing I keep an extra in my trunk. Winky face.
• 51:45
  How embarrassing would it be if you witnessed the whole thing?
• 51:49
  We're parked nearby and I change into my spare pants as you watched.
• 51:54
  PM me if you're interested.
• 51:58
  Got to say I'm interested. So if you know, initially, what do you all think he is looking for?
• 52:04
  What do you think he wants? He has lost his pants.
• 52:08
  He throws a hypothetical.
• 52:10
  Maybe you're near his car while he changes into his extra pants he keeps in his trunk.
• 52:15
  Is his kink somebody spying on him? I guess so.
• 52:19
  It's definitely something weirdly sexual.
• 52:21
  But what if the guy is just looking for pants and he just it's just he wants you to be conveniently nearby.
• 52:27
  So he's not without pants for long. You know, I mean, I feel like he has pants.
• 52:32
  He has pants in his trunk. Let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
• 52:35
  But I saw the post and I messaged him. I initially said, well, hi there.
• 52:39
  I heard you lost your pants. That's very unfortunate.
• 52:43
  Pants are the very foundation of our wardrobe. Strong point.
• 52:47
  I seemed cultured there. I seem like I knew about fashion.
• 52:51
  He goes on to say, oh, I definitely did.
• 52:54
  Don't know where they are. Maybe next time you can come and watch what I do when I lose them.
• 53:00
  Thank you, face. Are you female located in South Connecticut?
• 53:05
  So specific. I respond.
• 53:09
  I sure am. We are not located in South Connecticut.
• 53:12
  That was what we call a lot.
• 53:16
  I continue. Are you planning on losing your pants again?
• 53:20
  You don't seem very responsible, sir.
• 53:23
  I assume you go buy new pants when you lose them, right?
• 53:26
  Which I would be happy to do as long as the pants store that you frequent is wheelchair accessible
• 53:33
  due to the fact that I lost both legs in a freak firework accident
• 53:38
  where I tried to make myself a makeshift jetpack out of fireworks in an effort to fly to the stars.
• 53:46
  I hope me not having legs isn't an issue.
• 53:50
  I don't know if y'all have used fireworks, but they have a capability of blowing your legs off.
• 53:55
  You would have to have a lot of fireworks to blow your leg off.
• 53:59
  So many fireworks.
• 54:01
  I feel like if you're an amputee, though, you want to get that out of the way first.
• 54:06
  Make sure they know, all right, I've lost my legs. This is how.
• 54:10
  So we don't have to have that question later on down the road.
• 54:13
  I don't want to surprise him when I show up while he's changing pants.
• 54:16
  There's nothing worse than getting surprised with your pants down.
• 54:20
  He goes on to say, oh, I'm very responsible. I can take care of you.
• 54:24
  But no, no, I do not buy new pants when I lose them.
• 54:27
  I put on a show, winky face.
• 54:30
  But I hate to hear that you lost your legs.
• 54:32
  That is not a problem with me as long as you have boobies.
• 54:36
  She said boobies.
• 54:45
  So he's OK if I lose my legs, but as long as I have boobs, he's all for it.
• 54:50
  He continues to say, when would you like to get together? Let me show you what I do when I lose my pants.
• 54:55
  I'm free whenever you are.
• 54:57
  God bless.
• 54:58
  So many.
• 54:59
  He didn't even hold back a little bit.
• 55:01
  No, like a lot of these when we read the Craigslist ads, they're like, you know, hinting at it.
• 55:06
  Yeah, they're more subtle.
• 55:08
  And I guess he probably thinks he's being subtle because he keeps calling it losing his pants.
• 55:12
  Yeah, he's playfully losing his pants. Right.
• 55:15
  But I like to see a guy that's not just too shallow.
• 55:18
  I'm OK if you don't have legs, as long as you have two boobs.
• 55:21
  I go on to say, you don't go buy new pants when you lose them.
• 55:25
  What do you wear instead? Shorts?
• 55:28
  If that's the case, good.
• 55:30
  Shorts are far superior to pants as they symbolize the fall of Western society to me.
• 55:35
  We need it to fall for the greater good of humanity.
• 55:39
  But anyway, I would be willing to watch your show.
• 55:44
  I like a man who is into theater.
• 55:46
  It is my favorite hobby for a man to have other than seizing the means of production from the capitalist pigs.
• 56:01
  He goes on to say, No, sweetie, I don't wear anything when I lose my pants.
• 56:06
  It's not a show that they would put in a theater. LOL
• 56:12
  Would you be willing to meet at Terry Wilde Park in Danbury?
• 56:16
  I live near there and we can do things in the parking lot next to the park.
• 56:22
  So immediately, a very classy guy, his go-to is just a park.
• 56:28
  He wants to change pants for you in a park.
• 56:32
  But in the parking lot of the park. Yeah, the parking lot of the park.
• 56:35
  I go on to say, Oh, fun. Tell me a time and I'll be there.
• 56:40
  Just tell me one thing. Is Terry's Willie Park?
• 56:48
  Is Terry Willie's Park a piece of property that the Jews own?
• 56:52
  If so, I will not be able to watch a show there as they are the ruling class that owns the banks and cause corruption in the Western world.
• 57:05
  So I told this guy that I can't come watch him change pants in the park because the Jews might own it.
• 57:12
  You need to see a deed for that park. I want to see who owns the park.
• 57:17
  He goes on to say, I'm not sure who owns the park.
• 57:20
  I'm sure it's owned by the government like most parks, but I am available today at any time.
• 57:25
  I'm revved up and ready to show.
• 57:28
  Winky face. Wow.
• 57:30
  Revelled up and ready to show. Available at any time too.
• 57:33
  So I noticed that as well and I immediately asked that I said, Oh, you're available.
• 57:39
  You don't work. I'm available today as well.
• 57:42
  We must find another place as I cannot go to the park if it's owned by the government as it is a Western institution that holds down the working class
• 57:51
  and the ruling class to tremble at the communist revolutions.
• 57:55
  The proletarians have nothing to lose, but their chains.
• 58:02
  So I was this guy not care about your communism at all.
• 58:09
  Listen, like most of these Craigless posts, they shoot out a message into the void.
• 58:15
  I think they probably don't get any messages.
• 58:18
  So any messages that they do get, they're like, I'm holding on to this for dear life.
• 58:23
  Do I care that this is an anti-semitic communist that I'm talking to as long as as long as she watches me change my pants?
• 58:31
  He goes on to say, surprise, surprise. He goes on to say, No, I do not work.
• 58:35
  I'm unemployed. So I'm yours at any time. You seem very intense.
• 58:40
  I like that. Well, if you can't go to the park, maybe we can park in the parking lot of the Walgreens near me.
• 58:51
  We can park out behind it next to the dumpsters.
• 58:55
  I'm going to say, oh, OK, well, the parking lot with dumpsters sounds like a good place for a show.
• 59:02
  Maybe we will find a capitalist who's in those dumpsters.
• 59:06
  And I put a whole bunch of laughing faces, you know, I'm a jokester.
• 59:09
  Yeah, I'm also unemployed.
• 59:11
  The only place I get money is when I steal jewelry from my dying grandmother.
• 59:17
  She can't get out of bed and chase me when I run away with her valuables.
• 59:24
  Now, I said run away with my valuables. I've also told him to legs.
• 59:29
  He says, oh, well, OK, well, maybe we can meet in 30 minutes.
• 59:36
  I'm very ready to meet you. He looks past so much.
• 59:41
  They always do. They have a script and they stick to it.
• 59:44
  I go on to say, well, maybe. But first, tell me about yourself.
• 59:49
  I need to know who I'm meeting in the parking lot of a Walgreens next to some dumpsters.
• 59:54
  Maybe send a picture of yourself so I know know it when I see you, which this is just smart on my part.
• 1:00:00
  Good. I need to give advice to anybody out there.
• 1:00:03
  If you're going to meet a stranger, know a little bit about them.
• 1:00:06
  Do you know something? You know.
• 1:00:08
  So I ask him, can you tell me a little bit about you and send a picture?
• 1:00:12
  He goes on to send a picture. Oh, and he and he tells me three things about himself.
• 1:00:18
  Well, I'm 48. I am hard and I'm ready.
• 1:00:25
  So those are the three things that he decided he wanted to tell me.
• 1:00:29
  Why does he look like he's in a church?
• 1:00:32
  Do you all want to go ahead and tell everybody what you're seeing?
• 1:00:37
  He sent a picture. He's it's a selfie of him in a yellow polo.
• 1:00:43
  But he does, as Evan said, looks like he's in a church with men and grandmothers behind him.
• 1:00:51
  Yeah, which you all are ahead of me because I thought the same very same thing.
• 1:00:56
  I go on to say to his three things that he told us.
• 1:01:00
  I said, oh, wow. Now I know three things about you.
• 1:01:04
  It's good you're at a church function right now.
• 1:01:07
  It's classically the best place to set up a meeting by dumpsters in an effort to find your pants from a Craigslist ad.
• 1:01:17
  And then because he told me a little bit about him, I'm going to tell a little bit about me.
• 1:01:22
  I said, let me tell you about me. I hate when shirts are the color yellow.
• 1:01:26
  The color yellow makes me feel like I need to stab somebody in the abdomen.
• 1:01:31
  I'm easy going.
• 1:01:36
  I like to go for runs.
• 1:01:39
  Again, told him I don't have any legs.
• 1:01:42
  I'm afraid of squirrels as they seem like they have ulterior motives.
• 1:01:48
  Squirrel heavy episode.
• 1:01:50
  I only eat at three in the morning.
• 1:01:53
  If I eat at any other time, it makes me feel like someone needs to be stabbed in the abdomen.
• 1:01:58
  Really stabbing, really stabbing kind of person.
• 1:02:02
  I think that stalking, if done correctly, is an art and should be respected.
• 1:02:09
  I do not know how to interact with infants.
• 1:02:14
  I can sing, but only do when I get hungry, which is at three in the morning.
• 1:02:19
  I don't often take baths as it washes away the history of the day off of me.
• 1:02:25
  So what do you all think about a character that is like that?
• 1:02:28
  Do you all think I'm a valuable person that deserves to have pants taken off in front of me?
• 1:02:33
  Seem very threatening, but also easy going.
• 1:02:38
  He goes on to say, oh, well then I will change my shirt before I meet.
• 1:02:44
  And you go for runs?
• 1:02:46
  Didn't you say you lost your legs?
• 1:02:49
  Let's meet.
• 1:02:51
  So he's acknowledging the fact that something's messed up here, but not enough to be like, hold on.
• 1:02:57
  I'm seeing some inconsistencies in my story, but he is just like, this person is, I don't care what this person is, he's willing to meet.
• 1:03:07
  Now, I had to think quick on my feet here, the feet I don't have because I lost them in a fireworks accident.
• 1:03:12
  I said, oh, yes, when I say I go for runs, I mean I really enjoy not having solid poops.
• 1:03:22
  But is it OK if I come with my mentally handicapped friends, Carl and Marks?
• 1:03:28
  They love a show.
• 1:03:31
  He said, sure, the more the better in my book.
• 1:03:35
  I'm ready to go.
• 1:03:36
  How long will it take you to get to Walgreens on Main Street and State Street?
• 1:03:41
  I say, well, it'll take me about 15 hours to get there.
• 1:03:45
  It is very difficult to wheel yourself in a wheelchair 24 miles, as you can imagine.
• 1:03:51
  I would get my mentally handicapped friends, Carl and Marks, to push me.
• 1:03:56
  But the last time I let them do that, I ended up drowning in a retention pond.
• 1:04:03
  He goes on to say, is there a way you can get here faster?
• 1:04:08
  Apparently 15 hours was not good enough for him.
• 1:04:10
  On this message, I used the same bit I used on another Craigslist as we did.
• 1:04:15
  And it's because I like testing people.
• 1:04:17
  I like seeing how they think.
• 1:04:19
  I said, oh, I can drive there and be there in 20 minutes.
• 1:04:23
  I said, should I bring a gun?
• 1:04:27
  Which is always a fun thing to ask these people just to see what they say.
• 1:04:30
  He said, no, you do not need a gun.
• 1:04:33
  I will meet you there in 20 minutes.
• 1:04:35
  Winky face.
• 1:04:36
  He comes back and says, I'm here.
• 1:04:38
  Where are you?
• 1:04:39
  I said, I'm here.
• 1:04:40
  I'm by the dumpsters.
• 1:04:41
  He goes, I am by the dumpsters.
• 1:04:44
  Are you sure you are at the right location?
• 1:04:47
  I go on to say, I think so.
• 1:04:50
  There are some homeless men that were fighting here for a loaf of bread.
• 1:04:53
  Is this the show you're referring to?
• 1:04:55
  If so, this is definitely worth a trip to the CVS parking lot.
• 1:05:01
  He goes on to say, no, not a CVS parking lot, you dumb slut.
• 1:05:06
  I said, Walgreens, come here now.
• 1:05:09
  I'm starting to feel like you've been messing with me this whole time.
• 1:05:14
  This guy catches on quick.
• 1:05:17
  Oh, Walgreens, I said.
• 1:05:20
  I thought CVS was Walgreens, but an acronym that Walgreens uses.
• 1:05:24
  CVS, come visualize stuff.
• 1:05:28
  You know, like Walgreens wants you to come look at their inventory.
• 1:05:32
  I thought it was a cool marketing technique.
• 1:05:35
  He goes on to say, no, they are different.
• 1:05:38
  I am here.
• 1:05:39
  Hurry.
• 1:05:40
  And I did not message him back.
• 1:05:42
  Probably for the best.
• 1:05:44
  So he was left in a Walgreens parking lot by a dumpster.
• 1:05:47
  In South Connecticut.
• 1:05:49
  Yes, in Danbury, South Connecticut.
• 1:05:52
  If anyone was at the Walgreens on Main Street, State Street, and South Connecticut,
• 1:05:58
  what time was that?
• 1:05:59
  2.50.
• 1:06:01
  PM? That's like middle of the day.
• 1:06:04
  Yeah, that's a good point.
• 1:06:06
  I should probably say that this message thread happened between 1 and 2.50.
• 1:06:13
  PM.
• 1:06:14
  In the middle of the day.
• 1:06:16
  So when he was going through it, I looked up where he was talking about.
• 1:06:21
  Here is Terry Willie Park.
• 1:06:23
  Terry Willie's Park right here.
• 1:06:26
  And then here is the Walgreens I assume he's talking about.
• 1:06:29
  Yeah, State Street, Main Street.
• 1:06:32
  So just to get a good visualization right here.
• 1:06:35
  It's got 4.6 stars.
• 1:06:36
  Yeah, it sounds like a pretty good...
• 1:06:38
  I changed some of my pants in the Walgreens.
• 1:06:41
  Well, there it is.
• 1:06:42
  So if you're in Danbury, Connecticut, and you are near Walgreens on State and Main Street.
• 1:06:48
  Don't go near the dumpsters.
• 1:06:50
  Unless you want to see a Pantsless Man.
• 1:06:53
  Put on a show.
• 1:06:59
  Alright, let's end it. That's it.
• 1:07:01
  Bye.
• 1:07:03
  Expect the detour.