Latest / Shouty Brain / #2: Endii
Transcript
- Shouty Brain: Shouty Brain. Hello, my name's Trem Bolland and welcome to this week's Shouty Brain. ⁓ this week I'm joined by a very special guest, ⁓ Andy, who is a Twitch streamer and barber extraordinaire. We're going to be talking about ⁓ neurospiciness, ⁓ bravery, comfort zones, haircutting, all sorts of stuff. So please enjoy. ⁓ Hello, Andy. Hiya. How you doing, my friend? Yeah, I'm really good today. How are you? Yeah. I was the same before we started recording that. ⁓ I'm wondering if I'm gonna get the regret for this because I am awkward as shit. Even when I'm talking to my friends, I don't even know where to start a conversation, let alone keep one going for an hour. But ⁓ but thanks for coming along. I know I've known you for quite a few years as as as my barber. And we've had many a bullshitty conversation around different things. We've talked a lot of shit. but one thing that's come up in conversation quite a few times is is is neurodiversity, because I've talked to you on numerous occasions about my ADHD and recently about the fact that I was diagnosed with autism recently and how that's kind of sent me not me sideways and I don't know what the fuck's going on. But you've kind of disclosed to me in that. that you although not formally diagnosed, you you you have a strong suspicion that you feel that you you have ADHD yourself. And I have to say, the signs are there, mate. Yeah. Ten out of ten. We've got this. But the things that the things that you told me and the way you described just the the way you live your life, I'm like, I'm not a doctor, but shit, yeah. So talk to me a bit about that. About well, start off with a bit of an introduction about what you are. Obviously I just said you were my barber, but wha what what's what's your deal? Well, so my name's Andy. I go as Web Meat Love on ⁓ social media. I do like Twitch streaming, ⁓ content creation and barbering. I actually recently started, like last year I think, I started Twitch streaming. And what else can I say? Like I'm Well, y you're so your your your day job is a barber, right? So you've been cutting hair for a living for how long now? ⁓ my god, I think about fifteen years. Maybe even longer than that, 'cause I started at a really young age. And what is it what is it about barbering that you like? I think it's meeting people from different par paths of life, like different walks. It's I don't know, man. Barbering is just awesome. Like I love talking to people, but ⁓ my god, I don't even know what to say to Battering. I'm having like proper like a brain fart at the minute. We're gonna have lots of them. Yeah, that's fine. ⁓ You like talking to people. It's it's a different job. Like it's a job where I don't have a boss. I don't have someone telling me what to do. I don't have someone poking me on my shoulder, which is something I really struggle with in general. Like and ⁓ it's a good routine. Again, something I've always needed. And ⁓ I think it's It's also the fact that the job barbering doesn't feel like a conveyor belt. It's never the same. You work you walk into work and you don't know what to expect. Every day's gonna be different. What sort of people you're gonna meet, what sort of conversations, as you know, like the diabolical conversations that we have. Yeah, yeah. ⁓ I I think that just keeps me going. That's really cool. I was th I was thinking re I was thinking earlier on about about what you do for a living. And me, I'm quite ⁓ We've got you and I got a lot of similarities, but when it comes to our social skills, I think you probably got the you got you've got the advantage over me on that. For me, I don't think I could do what you do. Because I would have to I'd be really worried about all right, I've gonna have a I'm gonna have to talk to this person now for 45 minutes and I don't know what to say to them. And then I've got someone staring at me through the mirror all the time, and I'm quite I've got a lot of sensory issues as well. So touching people's heads constantly, I'd be like, fuck, I don't want to touch your head. I think I think that's something you get over over the years. It's almost like like a routine of doing things. Like, I don't know, like it it it just comes naturally eventually, like, but it is a struggle to talk to people sometimes 'cause but also it's not a struggle because as someone like a neurodivergent person, you Pick up on energy and you mimic. Yeah, you do. Yeah. And as horrible as it sounds, like I find barbering easy-ish because I've learned to reflect, like to interact with people because of the way I am. And I'll make up a personality just for you. to accommodate the service. No, that is it. That is a very relatable thing, which is also what one of the reasons I was thinking there there is something wrong there. No, that's that's great. You've really hit the nail on the head actually, and that's how I get through many of the conversations that I have, is I will I'll read the room the second I walk into it and I'll work out things about the people that are in that room. And when I start a conversation, I'll do it in such a way that makes them give me information about them, the way they use their body language, the way that they inflect their words, everything about that. So I will adjust my own personality to match theirs, because then I know that they're gonna find it easy to talk to me. Yeah. And they're gonna be more open with me. And then I'm gonna find a way to learn as much I c as I can about them so that I can be the character of a person that will get on with that person. Yeah, which is which can throughout the days like ⁓ normally you'll find I'm very burnt out. Like it's very common at work, like I might come across a bit as not aggressive, but like Aggie because I'm never truly myself. Like I feel you almost like become a little bit of a people pleaser, which is not a really good thing. That's exactly I I do understand it, that it's not a good thing and I try not to. It's it's taken me years and years. To try to be as close as possible to authentic self, but it's very difficult because of the way I am. There's question. Do I know you? Or do I know the personality that you pretend to have when I see you? No, you know me. I'm you do know me. There there might be like maybe small things because I'm at work and it's purely habit, the sum of the things like the way I'm gonna be. But like, yeah, you I would say you know me. It is it is really exhausting. I talked about it in my last episode, ⁓ and it's it's all about w wearing a mask ⁓ in in so many different parts of your life. And part of this exercise I'm going through at the moment is trying to take that mask off and be my true self, which is so difficult for me because I'm such a habitual peep pleaser. I don't want to upset anything. I want to keep everything on the straight and narrow. I don't want to have a confrontation with anybody, certainly. So I will not say or do anything too controversial because I just want a quiet and peaceful life. But it's not sustainable living like that. You mentioned being burnt out. I am always like that. I can have a b I'll I'll have a burst of being able to do it, but then I'll need a whole day or more to recover from it because I need to decompress, right? And sometimes it's something as diabolical as just sitting and looking at the wall. Like I've I'll be so burned out, like that I am even too tired to scroll on my phone because it just feels like too much information. Uh-huh. Like it is horrible. Like I know the burnout. And I can sleep eight hours, ten hours, three hours. I'll always wake up tired. And I feel like it's more of an ⁓ emotional burnout. Then like I'm trying to explain this to people sometimes. They're like, they're ⁓ you're always tired. You're like, you're always tired. Like, what's wrong with you? Like, have you been to doctors? And you can't really explain because it's like an emotional fatigue that like it doesn't it's not the same as a physical tiredness. Yeah. Burnout is is is I I I attribute it to to everything shutting down because it's reached its capacity. Because people like you and I w w in order just to navigate a day and get through the day, w we're we're we're internally working twice as hard just to keep up. And because everything is a decision, everything's a calculation and everything's a d you know, everything's a a performance, that you can do that for so long and then everything just shuts down. And sometimes I get the opportunity to get myself home and put myself in a room. But sometimes that burnout will happen before I've got home and I'm all and I'm still in the conversation that I'm trying to have. So people will notice a switch in me where I'm being all chatty and chatty and suddenly my battery's gone and I've stopped talking. I've shut down. And then I'm like, I need to I need to lead now. 'Cause I can't do it anymore. It's rough, man. It's funny. It affects the relationships as well. Like that massively. Like sorry to like interrupt you, but I just had to like put it in there. 'Cause Like the relationships like normal everyday relationships, like romantic or friendships. Because people don't understand it. Because you just go vanish on them. I'm incredib it's absolutely tr I'm I'm I'm incredibly lucky because my wife, obviously we've been a we've been together for over a decade. ⁓ we've known each other for like fifteen years. She knows and she shares a lot of the same things as me. But she's aware and she can see it before I can sometimes. When when when I've when I've gone, she knows I've gone before I do sometimes. So she'll know this is a time maybe I don't bother Trevor. Maybe this is a time I don't ask him a question. Maybe this is where I'll just let him be in his own space. And she does that without me having to say anything. so sh yeah, yeah, it can be really hard in relationships, especially when the the other person doesn't understand it as well. ⁓ it's funny you said about being tired because I was thinking earlier on, every time I see you I come into the barber shop and I say, Hey, how you doing, mate? I'm tired. It's like, Yeah, what you been up to? ⁓ nothing much. I'm just fucking tired, mate. ⁓ It's like, ⁓ okay. It's the same shit every time I see you. But there are hard days I do get like zoomy days and they are the best days to have at work because people feel this like the the genuine like high energy that I get. Yeah. And and I often find it like I get that high energy if I come across people and I interact with people who have this this sort of energy as well. But Yeah. I don't have that energy mate. So when you see me, it's I'm not gonna I'm not gonna be lifting you up. I'm not gonna be making you feel more energetic. I'm like, ⁓ come on Andy, if I can say something to me 'cause I can't do shit right now. You know what? Like sometimes I appreciate that more than the the people that are just all over the place, like or too overly happy about life. I always find there's something wrong with you. Like I don't like you. You're not a genuine human being. It doesn't feel real. Like, why are you so happy? Talk to me a bit about the ⁓ the streaming, because you've been doing it for a few months now on Twitch, right? So what Since November, yeah. So what what made you want to start doing that? I don't know. I've I've just always had passion for video games. It was like always it felt like to be honest, like again, video games just play such a massive role in my life when I look back at it. Like it's it's a space where I can escape. You create a character, you can be wherever you want. And like live in a world in wherever you want, do whatever you want, be whoever you want. And Yeah. And I felt like I didn't have the motivation to play that many games. So I thought maybe let me start stream start streaming. Maybe I'll find a community of like a place where I feel like I belong with the same sort of people like myself. So I started streaming and like I found it easier than interacting with real people at work because the audience they they are real audience, but they don't talk to you, if that makes sense. It's just chat. You're mainly talking to yourself. And ⁓ I don't know what what got me into it and I I really enjoy it. Like I've built like a community of people like me. Like people that enjoy my content and they can relate in ways like the ways I am and it's been amazing. It's been the rodeo. It's really hard to get yourself out there. But I love it. How do you deal with the multitasking aspect of it? If you're game if you're playing the game and getting immersed in the game you're playing and then also interacting with the chat, do you find that difficult? Well, because there's no really right or wrong way of doing it. It like it doesn't really matter. As someone with ADHD, you might relate that ⁓ having ADHD is like having ten million tabs open in your brain and you don't understand where the fucking music's coming from. That's true, man. And Twitch streaming is exactly the same thing. Like it's just chaos, but people love it 'cause it's authentic. It's not content that's been edited or re rendered. It's not been cleaned. It's raw. You get what you get. That's exactly what I'm doing here as well. I said that in my last episode that I'm I'm only gonna do the most minor editing. It pretty much is as is. All the all the bits of me fidgeting and forgetting what I'm saying and saying the same thing three times. I'm keeping that shit in because that's what that's what life that's that's the reality of life, right? I'm not gonna try and make it more ⁓ you know, tie a bow on it and make it look pretty because that's not real, right? No, that's cool. I like that you do ⁓ I it's interesting what you said about video games because that's exactly how I've always felt about it. I've I've been playing video games since I was ⁓ th like seven, so you know, f thirty five years at this point. Yeah. ⁓ and the first time I picked up a controller and played a video game, I was like, This is me, this I'm I'm home. Because it was a colorful, beautiful thing with sounds and all sorts of shit going on, but I knew what I needed to do. I knew what life meant for me in that moment. It's when I was playing Super Mario Brothers, it's right, I've got to I've got a I've got to break that block. I've got to kill that Goomba. I've got to get from point A to point B without getting killed. I know what I need to do and I know there are no consequences if I fuck it up. This is how I wish my life was. Respawn. Just respawn, start again, mate. Fuck stuff, respawn. Just start again. Fine. Nothing matters. It's fine. And so and as as games got more advanced and I started getting more into ⁓ like open world ⁓ story-driven games and stuff like that, it's like I get to I get to star in my own movie, but I know what the objective is and I know exactly what the parameters are. I know what I can do, I know what I can't do, and I know that whatever I do, there's no right and wrong because Everything makes sense and I can just be in that world and it just everything just feels great when I'm doing that. It's it's it's yeah. That's that's what I when I try to explain to people that I'm a middle aged man who still plays video games, that's why I do it. I think there's nothing fucking wrong with that to be honest. I have people middle age in my community. I don't think I don't think that's spoken enough. Like there is so many like even dads, mums, single mums, like parents that play video games because it's an amazing escape. And the community is absolutely insane. Like people are so, so supportive of each other and t ⁓ just bring into this little world that they have created themselves and they can be whatever they want, whenever they want. Yeah, it's great. I love it. ⁓ do you want to talk about your your lifting? My lifting. Yeah, because that's something that's been part of emotional rollercoaster that they weren't going into. Well that's something that's been part of your life for the last few years when I've been talking to you. For the last five years, I think, yeah. ⁓ you completely 'cause I went quite a long time without seeing you. I can't remember when, it might have been COVID. but I saw you, then I saw you again and your body had completely changed shape. ⁓ at one point you got you got you got really trim. Then I th then another time I didn't see you again for a while. And then you suddenly had these fucking legs. Legs. So what what got you into ⁓ into that? ⁓ actually I had to hit a rock bottom. This is how it started for me. Like I really I ⁓ started therapy. I was in a really toxic relationship, and ⁓ I was just trying to figure out what what the hell was wrong with me because I wasn't feeling like myself. Yeah. I gained loads of weight. This was like ⁓ before COVID, I think. Right. And I started feeling like I've got O C D. I just everything just felt too much. There was so much noise. I couldn't get my stuff together. I was lazy. Well, what you would say la lazy. I was demotivated. Right. I struggled to look after myself. I didn't want to turn up to work. Obviously went to therapy, spoke about stuff. Therapist actually said there's nothing wrong with me. Which is really weird. And then I've I've just like I I thought I started to kick myself up the arse and I was like, Yeah, I need to change something. So I need to get into like a routine. Started doing some workouts from home. I realized it started it made it made me feel a lot better. And then later on when COVID got lifted, like the the lockdown rules, I decided to go to the gym. ⁓ And I really enjoyed it and I just fell in love with it. And I think what made me fall in love with it was the routine. And and sticking to that routine gave results. Which it was like like a of it it's nice to receive a reward when you do something, in it. And the reward was the fact I felt better in my body. It started changing. And that that's where it kicked off. I met my coach. ⁓ my big props to her. Like I miss her I miss her to bit, so I've got no idea where she is right now. And ⁓ she got me into powerlifting. And I think with someone with neurospicy brain. ⁓ Like powerlifting is an amazing sport to join 'cause it's all about consistency and just showing up. And sometimes all you need to feel good is a routine. ⁓ Have you found it have you found it hard to stick to it? Any have you have you gone gone through times where you just didn't want to do it? I have, yeah. Ver very many times there's been where ⁓ I've just dropped out because sometimes I feel like I'm someone who feels emotions really strongly. So if something doesn't go to plan, it almost it it feels like I want to yeet everything out the window ⁓ and be like, ⁓ fuck this, I can't do this anymore. ⁓ But then I have to kinda ground myself and like get back to it and remind myself, this is why I'm doing it. This is how it makes me feel. Get back into it. It's fine. Like it doesn't have to be all dropped off completely. And yeah, so it's always like a remo emotional rollercoaster lifting. You remember the you remember the reward you get from doing it, right? And you think I wanna feel that way. I wanna feel like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I understand. You were doing co you did a competition. Are you gonna get back into competitions, do you think? I d I did competitions, yeah, but my bodies ⁓ 'cause ⁓ again, like I said, you take well, you're you you experience emotions very strongly. So when I was into it, I I was hardcore. ⁓ Like full on, full throttle. There was like no breaks. Did two competitions back to back. And ⁓ yeah, it's just my body just said stop. Really? It was too much, yeah. It it got it got a bit toxic. I don't think it's toxic now, but it got obsessive. Like I got really I obviously you have to weigh out your food. You have to be very strict if you if you want to be successful. And it can get a bit too much. So it's definitely not for everyone, but again it depends on your personality as well. Yeah, it's not really one you it's not something you want to get back into then. I I do want to. I miss I miss powerlifting, but I just need to fix my body 'cause it it I burnt it out. Like the engine needs cooling down. Right. Do you have to do you have to be super ⁓ what about now with with the way you eat and stuff like that? Are you still being really super r restrictive about that? Not anymore. Like I've learned to accept it that it's okay to have mistak make mistakes. Like 'cause we're all human beings in the end of the day. And like It's not sometimes about perfection, but it's just about turning up. ⁓ Even if it means that one day you give two percent and one day you give ninety. Like it's still better than you did yesterday. It's about it adds up. I mean it's not better than you did yesterday, but it adds up to to your overall picture. Just turning up and doing it, even if what you're not doing as much as you like, you're doing more than nothing, right? Yeah. And that makes a difference. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I found that with with the with the weight loss that I did, ⁓ because I you know, I was I was trying to I was trying to rewrite lifelong habits, really bad habits that I had about eating. ⁓ and I spent so long trying to work out how to how to turn it around, how to how do I get myself off this path of what is literally gonna be me dying an early death because I was getting so fucking big. I was getting to the point where I I couldn't really walk very far. And I just felt like shit all the time. I was so depressed. I had no energy whatsoever. I hated myself, but I couldn't stop eating. ⁓ and something just switched in me. And I th and I I I tried and I started feeling so good about the results I was getting that that was what drove me. Because I'm I wanna keep feeling like this. I wanna keep feeling like like a little bit better every day about how I look and I felt my posture change. I started holding my head up a little bit more and I walk down the street and now I swagger down the street like I'm the shit. people would look at me and think I'm the most confident person in the world, but that's just compared to the way I was before. But I just every day I'm like, I really want to just eat a shitload of food. But like there's no amount of eating myself to death that will feel anywhere near as good As how I feel right now. So why would I sacrifice the way I feel now for that very brief kind of satisfaction I'd get from overeating, then just to hate myself afterwards? Why do that to myself? And that's been the driving force. And that's what's let me fucking I lost 18 stone, Andy. It's insane. I've seen your weight loss. It is insane. That's fucking madness. I I've lost way more than I even weigh now. You know, more than like six like sixty percent of my body weight I'd lost. It's and I can't believe that I was I was actually alive. I mean, because I'm healthy now and I couldn't believe that I was carrying, literally carrying that much weight, physically and emotionally. Every time I took a step forward, I was carrying baggage, fat baggage, but also mental baggage that I was relieved myself of. And I tell you what, When I was prescribed my ADHD medication for the first time, I weighed about twenty stone. My dosage hasn't changed. I went from twenty stone gradually to thirty-two stone, still on the same dosage. Now I'm 14 stone. I've never weighed this little on the medication that I take. So what I wasn't giving myself an opportunity to even have medication work because I wasn't I had so much mass that how was it supposed to do anything? ⁓ but yeah, that was that's so it's we've both we've both been through a bit of a transformation journey. It I tell you ⁓ it it was it was mad my first time I saw how big your legs had got. Is that it's just the legs doesn't have to have the up from all these doesn't No, but I mean you No, I do get it. Like it's that was the thing that I noticed first. It is crazy, like it it it's it's insane. Like sometimes when I look back at the pictures and think like, What's happened? I'm like, this is mad. ⁓ That you can just shape shift like that. And it's in your control that you have the power to do it. And like it and it's the internal energy that changes as well, and that shines through. Like it's a completely different person comes out. Mm-hmm. Yeah, a hundred percent. So excuse me. We talked about ADHD. What I'm interested to know. When it first occurred to you that that you might have it and why? If you can remember. It didn't occur to me for a long time, but I've always known there's something wrong with me because even when I was a kid, I've always was that child that there's something wrong with you, you can't keep up with schoolwork, you're lazy, you're chaotic, you're loud, you speak too much, you do too much, you do too little. Like there I've always thought there was something wrong with me. And because I come from a Soviet Union country like Latvia, the the mental health or like nonverbal kids or something like it was be parents were ashamed of it. No one would speak about it. So it was suppressed. And ⁓ when I first started to realize that I'm not actually as broken as I think, I'm just spicy was when ⁓ therapists started telling me it's like you're not actually depressed, like why are you here? ⁓ Like you don't really have a like a real reason to feel like you y you're self aware. ⁓ And like you know exactly what you need to do. And I I started questioning, I started looking into like what what that could be. And this is where I started to come across like autism, ADHD. And I really related to that. Like I saw I saw these people talking like on YouTube making videos about what it's like. Like the people who've been already diagnosed. And I was like, I can really relate to that. And that was the time when it clicked to me. I was like, holy shit, maybe I'm not broken. I'm just ADHD. Yeah. And I spoke to my mum about this. I brought it up. And she felt really guilty as well about it. Because she was like, I n I knew that there was something like this, but it's just like never wanted to admit because it's it's Like it's not like it's n not normal to have a child. There's there's something wrong with them because parents feel like they failed, but it's nothing to do with them. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I told you the other day when I saw you, that my mum feels quite guilty about about my situation because she spent over a decade working i in a professional capacity with children with autism and she never noticed w with me. But I think it's difficult because she was too close to my situation. So she wouldn't necessarily be looking for it. And the and the kind of kids that she was working with were ⁓ had had much more severe support needs than me. You know, there are people who w were sometimes nonverbal and stuff like that. So it's it's difficult to spot. but but yeah, it's Here we go, it's the first one. That's the first one. I've completely forgotten what the fuck I'm talking about. ⁓ it happens. I always blank out mid conversation. I know. It's so you've got save it somehow. And it's it's normally when I'm halfway through a th a thought as well, and I'm like, I think the next thing I was gonna say was gonna be really good. I can't remember what it was. That's fucking so good for the lips. It's gone for it's gone forever, guys. It's gone forever. That's never coming back. ⁓ But yeah, so what what was school like for you? Hard. Very hard. I I failed ⁓ failed multiple subjects, obviously, due to my attention span and lack of interest. Yeah. And ⁓ there is one one thing that I'll always bring up and I think like I say it didn't traumatize me, but it did. Was when when a teacher, I think this was year year five, something like that. I was on a lesson and my my teacher just shouted at me because she she was so frustrated with with the fact that she felt like I'm stupid. She ripped my notebook and she said, Your your knowledge is like shit flushed down the toilet. And that stuck with me for the rest of my life. And I would like to say it doesn't affect me, but it makes me think now. Like it's there were so many things in school that Just yeah, I just couldn't. I I really struggled. I think the the only time when I felt like things are getting better when I went into college to study barbering. Mm-hmm. Because I felt like I fit in and I was learning something I genuinely was passionate about. Because you were interested in it, you were engaged with it. Yeah. Did you feel stupid? In school, yes I did. Yeah. Proper. C because people called me stupid, because Cause I believed them. Cause everyone else could do things that I wasn't capable of understanding. I thought like not that I wasn't capable of understanding. I d I don't know how to put it right. I was trying to be like everyone else. All these kids would get amazing grades, like, and teachers would tell me, just listen and and you'll understand and you'll be fine. And I was just I couldn't. ⁓ You convince yourself that you're stupid. Because you're frustrated with yourself, right? Because you wonder why can't I do the same shit that these people are doing? And ⁓ th I must be stupid. That's the only explanation. Yeah, 'cause like you're a kid, you're like a sponge, you absorb everything. So whatever you've been told, you're gonna believe it. Because these people that teach you, your parents or like your teachers, you look up to them. ⁓ Yeah. And it it it was horrible. Like I hated going to school. There w there was not a single part in my body that wanted to go every morning to get up and show up and be there. I got bullied a lot as well for it. It was rough. Very rough. What's ironic is you felt stupid, but the truth is you were probably one probably smarter than most of them. Very intelligent child. Yes. And that's the that's the i that's always the irony, because it's it's not necessarily a a direct correlation, but there are lots and lots of people, ADHD and autism or both or either, who do have high intelligence, but not just necessarily in academia, but emotional intelligence. you can be really smart and switched on because your your synapses are always firing and you you're you're very observant, you tend to d s notice things other people don't notice. So in many ways you are s shitloads smarter than these people. But the way that you would demonstrate it isn't in a in a formal academic ⁓ setting. So you might have shit grades at school. But still be smarter than the people in your class. It's a difficult thing to get your head around. Yeah, like I can't say like I was stupid all over. Like it was I was really good with stuff that was hands on. ⁓ So like any crafting, cooking, like when you had to do sports, drawing, that that was always my strong side. Of and another one, like, which made me really Really curious why was languages. Mm-hmm. I was really, really good at languages for some reason. Do you know what have you thought about why that might be? No, I don't really understand it why. When you moved to the UK, could you speak English at that point? I can't remember. At all. No, bad. Like it was it was basic. I I wouldn't say it was. Great, but like for for school it was good 'cause I could write and but it wasn't good to like move country and get a job. And how and how long ago did you move over there over to the UK? I can't remember. About thirteen years ago, I think. And when you first told me that, that blew my mind that you that you that you moved to this country with some language but not a hell of a lot. That takes some Balls to do that, right? Don't you think? Cause I've always been like a very spontaneous person and I never thought about consequences. I just didn't feel like I needed the little balls to do it. I just did it. I didn't think too much. Like I I didn't deepen it. I was just like, Well, I'm here now, so I need to figure it out. But Jesus Christ, you you you You're absolutely, completely fluent. In English. There's no there's no like I I ne I'm never having a conversation with you. I'm like, ⁓ yeah, you could probably work on that. There's nothing about the way you speak that makes me think that English isn't your first language. I mean you've got an accent slight but not much of one. But there's nothing to me that says, ⁓ yeah, English is your second language and you learned it kind of on the on the fucking fly when you moved here. In the pub. ⁓ Fun fact. This is how I learnt English. I used to go out and just listen to people in a pub. That's why you swear so much. Yeah. That is cool. That is really cool. So do you ever think you're gonna pursue a diagnosis or at this point does it not really make a difference to you? I think it would make my life easier if if I would get some support and help and maybe look into medication. Cause there are days that are harder than others. And there are days where I c I can't get myself out, I'm too overwhelmed. Or it's just there's too much going on in my head. I've I've been considering like looking into medication and stuff. And and there's been so many suggestions and obviously the therapists I've spoken to that they're like d have you tried to seek like a diagnosis and stuff? And yeah, everything is just pointing towards like just just just get it. It can make an immeasurable difference. It would have made insane difference when I was a child growing up. And I wish people would have been more aware of these things. Because maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did as a child. Yeah. Trying to fit it fit in into somewhere where I was never meant to be. It's true. ⁓ something that people who are h who are late diagnosed, I can certainly speak to it myself and I've heard lots of other people say the same thing. When they're diagnosed late in life or as an adult rather than late in life, you can go through a period of grief because you you feel like you're you're mourning for the bit of your life you weren't able to live in to its full ⁓ capacity because you were at a disadvantage but it wa it wasn't recognized. So you wonder what could I have become or what what what could have my life what could my life have been like? What what direction could I have gone in had this happened or had that happened? And I think that's something a lot of people go through. And I went through it a bit. And I still do occasionally. But everything that has happened has led me to exactly where I am right this very moment. And right this very moment, I'm in a place I want to be. And I would not be there. I would not be here without that. So I might have a high powered job with a lot more money, but I wouldn't have the wife I've got, I wouldn't have the the lifestyle that I've got for myself, and I wouldn't have all the wisdom that has come from ⁓ living a life that I've had to live and work as hard as I've had to work to get ahead. If I hadn't had to do any of those things, I don't think I'd be as as smart or as emotionally mature than I am now. So I d I don't think I would want to change anything. But in terms of medication, Everyone's different. But the second I started taking medication with my ADHD, I was like, Are you fucking joking? Is this what is this what it's supposed to be like? Is this what it could have been like? This whole time I could have had this much quiet in my head. This whole time I could have been planning to do something and then actually doing it. Is that what normal life is? ⁓ it's See, I can't imagine. I can't imagine not feeling like like You're on a motorway switching lanes with no indicator. Like this is my normal life. This is how I function day to day and this is how I achieve things in life. So it's probably gonna be weird if I do one day decide to take the medication. I was around your age. You're what, you twenty seven, twenty eight? No, th thirty one. You're thirty one. I think I think and ⁓ you know why I think you're twenty seven? The last time I asked you how old you are, you told me you were twenty seven and it like three years ago. That was a long time ago. ⁓ I was I was twenty eight when when I was diagnosed with AHD, that's when I started taking my medication. ⁓ and yeah, it's it's people have got different different experiences and so on, but I think if it's an option for you to to explore, then why not? It'd make a huge positive difference. It might not, but you never know, do you? I think there's days definitely where I'm grateful that I am as like chaotic as I am. 'Cause it's it's led me to experiences that I wouldn't have ever experienced in my life if I wouldn't be like this. If you weren't impulsive, yeah. Then you might not Same with my solo travelling life. Exactly. I was gonna ask you about that. I would have never done that if I was a normal brain. I would have thought about the consequences. That blew that blew my mind when you told me that you'd done that. 'Cause I'm like it's it's one thing to go travelling on on a whim, but then to do it on your own and to ⁓ rely on yourself to get you through and and meet people and and and forge connections and and stuff without feeling incredibly lonely and scared. And you do. Yeah. You do feel lonely and scared. You've it is very, very scary, but is the most humbling experience I've ever had in my life. Because it's really made me 'cause you've got no choice but to put yourself out there and be uncomfortable. Sharing a room with ten other people. There is nothing comfortable about it. So t talk to me a bit about where you where you went and how long you went. Where did you go? Well, I I went to Croatia first, which was a fantastic experience. It was a bit awkward to begin with when I first landed. But as you know, I'm quite chatty with people anyways, so I can't shut up. And yeah, I've made friends on the bus. I made friend I've I made friends straight away in the hostel. I was like putting myself out there. Like even though I felt uncomfortable, I would just talk to people and just roam around. Just trust the process. I didn't do too much research about what I'm gonna be doing, but I would just like through getting to know people, they would recommend me stuff and I would do it. And like just try it out. And I felt like the Balkan countries were a really good place where to start because it's on the budget, it's cheap. It's affordable for anyone. So you even if you do get lost, you can always find a way back because it's relatively cheap to get about. And yeah, and then I went to Albania w which which was a bit more of a chaotic experience. I enjoyed it a lot more. And I met amazing people. I made friends all over the world. And I'm still in touch with loads of them. And I'm very grateful for the experiences I got there. And ⁓ yeah. It's it's probably it genuinely it's one of the best things I've ever done in my life. So you'd recommend other people if they could get the opportunity to travel? There is nothing more empowering than jumping on a plane, being completely on your own in a place that you don't know, and just being whatever. Just just letting loose. Just just go for it. If you want to go explore something, just just do it. That's cool. That's cool. It's it it honestly, it's changed my life. It's changed my perspective. It also I got to see How people live lives in different places, because obviously different cultures and different views on life, again, different governments. So people treat things differently around the areas and stuff. I don't know. It's just like it's different. Like you need to experience it. It's one of the those things that I I think you definitely need to do. You meet people from all paths of life. They travel for different reasons. It's just cool. It and they they're same-minded people like you. Yeah. Increases your I suppose your your outlook on the world just to s not not live so much in a small bubble and and experience other things, meet other people, it can be quite enriching. I I admire the shit out of you for doing it. I I I I if I was put in the position I don't think I would v ever do it voluntarily. But let's just say some kind of situation happened where I was forced to do it. ⁓ I'd probably find it incredible. But i I think it's just the fact that it would be so uncomfortable as an idea would mean that I would never do it unless I was forced to do it. It's one of those things, I think. I I had ⁓ again, going back to fitness, I had a coach, ⁓ Tess, and she really drilled into my head that like you have to be really uncomfortable to get good at something. You don't really diamonds like grow under pressure. And comfort is not something our body is gonna be okay with. But it's nice, innit? It is nice. It's nice. It's so rewarding. Like, your body is gonna scream and shout and say, Don't do this, because this is not normal. But normally it's the path that you need to take, the one that it feels a bit dangerous. High risk, high reward. That's why I believe it. And I suppose that's the best way to feel like you're really alive as well, isn't it? Is that is to is to test yourself. And you're never gonna learn what you're capable of unless you push push yourself beyond what you think is your limit. And I think this is why people say like s skydiving and stuff has changed them massively. 'Cause it you face you face the biggest fear. You face death. Basic basically you face death when you jump out of a plane. But you survive. Well, you're doing something that a human being was never meant to do. You're never meant you're not you're not meant to do that. You're not meant to be at a at a height and jump out of a plane. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah. And yeah, why would you jump out of something that's moving and it's perfectly fine? Yeah. And apparently it is one of the best experiences you're gonna ever gonna have in your life. And I almost did it last year, but I got stopped. By what by who? By what? ⁓ so one of my closest friends works in Devon. ⁓ used to work in Devon. In in a in in a skydiving facility. Yeah. And unfortunately last year they had an accident where a woman jumped out of a plane and the first and the second parachute never opened. Was that that might I might have heard about that on the news. Yeah. And so you you didn't go So my f my friend like just purely out of respect, she said, I don't want you ever to To do that because I don't want to watch you fall for your death. She's like, the chances of it happening are very, very low. But yeah, I said I won't do it. And I just kind of want to keep my promise. There is a low key a person, like a little tiny little endy in me saying, just do it. But yeah, it's just I mean, I've heard of people doing it that I know they've never felt more alive than when they are experiencing it and then when they they land and they get up on their feet and then I just jumped out of a fucking plane and you just feel that like more adrenaline in your system than you're ever gonna have. I'm tempted by it. I tell you what, I could do it now. I couldn't do it before. I was too fat. I I was too heavy. Yeah, I think there's a weight limit. There is there yeah. And it's ⁓ it it was way the limit was way lower than my body weight. I I I think it's about 18 stone or something. so I thought that was just it never going to be achievable for me, but ⁓ I could do it now. ⁓ whether I do, I don't know. Because I'm just ⁓ I like to think that I'm I'm quite I I'm this is one thing that the medication has done that some some people might find less fun is that I far less impulsive now and I'm far more considerate of consequences and possible consequences. Because the A the ADHD medication is is actually what set the ball rolling and made me understand that I'm also autistic because the autistic side of my personality came out more where I'm risk averse. I I need to plan ahead. I need to know what's gonna happen. I need everything to be predictable. ⁓ So I I don't really do spontaneous things anymore. Maybe t twenty years ago, ⁓ if I'd had an opportunity to jump out of a plane I'd be like, Yeah, cool, I'll do it. I wouldn't even think about it. But now I think about everything and so I'd be the I'd be that person whose one and two parachute doesn't open. I just assume that that would be ha that would happen to me. And so I probably wouldn't See, that put me off. Like I've I am scared, like in the end of the day, like maybe Maybe not just yet. I'm not ready to really put my life at risk fully. Yeah. Just not yet. But I think I'll do it at some point, definitely. I feel like that would be a very eye opening experience. I mean you don't have to risk your life to to Well, you are kinda low key risk in your life when you're jumping out of a plane. No, I mean y what I mean is you don't have to do something to risk your life. You could do something else. But you I don't know, there's something about it, there's something quite intoxicating about the idea of it. So I I'm I'm I I until we started talking about it, I hadn't even thought about it. Because there are things like that that I'd I'd never thought about, like I said, because I wouldn't I wouldn't have been able to go on a fucking roller coaster six months ago. ⁓ I love roller coasters. Because no, not because I couldn't, just because I'd be too fat for it. I won't I wouldn't be allowed on it. I used to go on roller coasters as well. Yeah, because the seat belt needs to do it, like I wouldn't have been able to go on roller coaster. So the so the y the idea of skydiving wouldn't have even occurred to It's like, well that's just not something that someone like me can do. You know. I can't I can't weigh a plane down that much, let alone if I can jump out of it. How how big a parachute would I need? I mean there isn't another I think that by they do go by weight, the instructor goes. Like they they match an instructor for you. Yeah, that that would have been difficult to find. Counterbalance the thingy. To find an in to find an instructor, they would have needed three instructors strapped together to be the same weight as me. So it would have been a logistical nightmare. They would never have had to organise something like that. And just imagine how much fabric they would need to create ⁓ a parachute big enough to hold me. It'd be like the it'd be like the O two. It'd be like the O two hanging on. The O two. Yeah, but you're safe. It will open when it's at that size. Yeah. So maybe one day I might do that. That'd be cool. But yeah, Andy, listen, I'm gonna have to wrap things up in a second, but I just gotta say thank you for this because for the for those listening out there, I said to people that I know I'm I'm I'm starting a podcast where I'm talking to neurodiverse people. Do you wanna and I don't really know anybody? ⁓ hey Andy, who's my friend but also my barber. Would you mind coming on my podcast and talking to me about the ADHD you think you've got? They'll be Yeah, right. So I do really appreciate it. It's really good, ⁓ good it's good to learn a little bit more about you because obviously as I said, we've had lots of cool conversations over the years that you've been cutting my hair and we've been hanging out with the at the barbers, but I've I've learned some stuff about you that I didn't know before and it's been really nice of you to be so so honest about how difficult you've fo you found certain things in your life. ⁓ but also inspiring to hear you talk about the things that you've done to to push your boundaries. So I really appreciate it. ⁓ so Indy, thank you so much. ⁓ Thank you for having me. Like I've never been on a podcast before, so this feels like really awkward. You don't know we don't really know how to act in it. 'Cause I don't I don't either. I'm supposed to be f the one doing the fucking thing. ⁓ But yeah, thank you. Thanks for getting up early to talk to me as well. That's right. All right. So yeah, thanks very much. Take care, mate. Awesome thank you. Bye. That was the excellent Indy. Hope you all enjoyed that. Please do give her a follow if you're into Twitch streamers. Her name is Wet Meat Loaf on Twitch. And on Instagram, she can be found at ND underscore barber. ND spell E-N-D-I-I underscore barber. Thank you very much, Endy, for joining us. And if you enjoyed this podcast, please do subscribe. Please do leave a review on your ⁓ preferred podcast platform because that really does do me a huge favor. And also if you go to shoutybrain.com, you'll find links there to my Substack blog, my YouTube channel, and my various social media channels. So please give me a follow on those as well. ⁓ I'll be back next week. In the meantime, have a lovely time. Thank you very much. Bye. Choutie Grain.