Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / When Did Our Labels Stop Describing Us, & Start Replacing Us? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: It feels like everywhere you look right now, you're expected to pick a side. And once you do, it's like everything about you is decided for you. Your beliefs, your values, your character. And I don't think that's how people work. I feel that pressure all the time, especially politically. It feels like you're supposed to choose a side and once you do, ⁓ about you gets decided for you. But honestly, sometimes when I to the news, it just reminds me of those A.I.T.A. stories on Reddit. And my thought is just... ⁓ Everyone sucks here. ⁓ Not to be in a dismissive way, more in a way that makes me step back and go, we're pretending it is. I also heard on social media that we're in an economic war and that's why everything kind of feels like it sucks. And when I heard that something clicked for me because suddenly things made more sense. Not in a scary way, but it just clarified things like, ⁓ There are systems at play here, And instead of waiting for someone to fix it, I realize no one's coming to save me. And weirdly, that felt empowering. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Today, the question that's on my mind is, when did our labels stop describing us and start replacing us 1. And before we go further, quick note. This podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. My in these conversations is reducing suffering and preserving human dignity. And I think part of that starts with asking questions, especially when things feel divided. I keep how quickly ⁓ we people into categories, into sides, into simplified versions of who they are. And I find myself wondering what gets lost when we do that? I think we lose a lot more than we realize. We lose growth. We're losing rebuilding. losing understanding each other. We lose creativity. because once we decide something is ⁓ one way, we stop asking questions. I've seen this play out in real life. I was called lazy as a kid because I couldn't read, but I wasn't lazy. I couldn't see. And once that got fixed, ⁓ I still struggled. And again, I was called lazy because now I have glasses, so what am I complaining about? How can I not read at this point? But the truth was, I had missed the foundations of reading. I didn't get hooked on phonics, unfortunately, because I missed the window. And it wasn't until seventh grade when a wonderful out of school teacher took us back to the basics and then everything finally clicked for me. And suddenly I could read. Not because I changed who I was, ⁓ but because someone stopped labeling me ⁓ and started understanding what I actually needed. Why does it feel like if someone holds one belief, we assume we already understand everything else about them? Why do labels sometimes feel like they carry more weight than the actual person in front of us? Why does a disagreement so quickly turn into a character judgment? And why does it feel like nuance is becoming harder to hold? Because when I look at people in my life, including myself, none of us fit neatly into one box. I know, I'm a white heterosexual woman. And yes. I do have the power of the animals. And at the same time, I love video games, sports, and D &D. I think women are beautiful. And I can also be easygoing, but stubborn, agreeable, and firm. I do care deeply about people. But I also need space to recharge. So what does that label actually tell you about me? And what does it miss? Because I felt this personally. People assume that because I embraced my feminine qualities, I must be a certain type of person. But I'm also capable of things people would label masculine. And I've seen how that confuses people. had feel threatened by my confidence. I've had men treat me like one of the guys. And the truth is, ⁓ I'm neither of those boxes. I'm just Kimberly. ⁓ Complicated me. I wasn't raised to be less than anyone. I was taught to work hard, to keep improving, not because I'm better than others, but because the only person I'm trying to outgrow is myself. But I've noticed something interesting. That mindset, Sometimes people interpret it as competition. Like I'm trying to outdo them when really I'm just trying to grow. ⁓ And I think that's what happens when you rely too much on labels. We stop asking, what does this actually mean for this person? Take gender for example. We hear generalizations ⁓ all the time, What happens when we stop at the generalizations and don't any further? What happens when we don't ask, where does this come from? When is it true? When is it not? I hear things like, men are better at hunting. Women are better at cleaning. When I really think about it, I don't think it's that simple. I think it's more about what people were taught to notice. Men can clean. They live in the home too. Women can hunt. We're capable. And historically, it's interesting. Women are told to cook, but for years, most professional chefs were men what does that actually say? ⁓ It me that we limit people to roles. ⁓ We're just simplifying things. We're restricting people, their opportunities, their partnerships, ⁓ their I think about power a lot. Not just in the political sense, but overall in a human sense. What kind of impact do we have on each other that we don't always recognize? When strength become When do words become harmful? And how often are we aware of that in ourselves? Because it's easy to talk about what other people should do. ⁓ It's harder to ask, where do I hold power? And how do I use it? I've had to think about this a lot. As a parent, I hold a lot of power. what my kids eat, what they do, who they interact with, what they have access to. I control almost everything in their world. And when I look at it that way, it makes perfect sense why kids push back. They feel the lack of control. And for me, that's not a problem. It's just information. In my job, I hold power too. My responses shape how kids see themselves. Even if they don't say it out loud, my words matter to them. So I have to be intentional about seeing them in the best light possible. And even in my marriage, we share power overall. But I've had to recognize something. I'm very skilled with my words. And if I'm not careful, I can unintentionally overpower conversations. So I have to check myself. Not to make myself smaller, but to make sure I'm not taking his voice away. I also find myself thinking about identity more broadly, not in the terms of what people are, but in the terms of what people are responding to. Are people trying to define themselves? Or are they just trying to escape definitions that never fit them? Because I've felt that in my own way. I've never done well in spaces where power is used without accountability. Especially when there's hypocrisy. I used to call it out bluntly and honestly, I got pushed out of lot of spaces because of that. I didn't have tact yet. I also couldn't ignore the elephant in the room and honestly, I still can't. And I've noticed I don't do well in environments where success means throwing someone else under the bus. That's just not how I operate. It just feels icky. I've tried working in those type of companies they just don't work for me. Now I work for an amazing boss who corrects me with patience. and also celebrates me when I do well. And I thrive there because it's not about performance. It's about growth. When did it become difficult to say, I'm still thinking about this. I don't fully agree with either side. I see parts of both. Why does it feel like uncertainty is something we're supposed to avoid because uncertainty feels honest. It leaves room for learning, for growth, for connection. Where certainty, especially when rigid, can sometimes close those doors. I think people are afraid to say, don't know, because they're afraid of looking dumb. But for me, I'm more afraid of not knowing and staying that way. I'd rather look dumb for a minute than stay confused for years. And I think a lot of that fear comes from bullying, honestly. Being wrong gets punished. People get mocked. So people stopped asking questions. And personally, I don't think people are exhausted because they don't care. I think people are exhausted because everything feels like it requires a fixed position. Instead of a conversation, instead of curiosity, instead of connecting with people. I think a lot of people right now are performing. And underneath that, I think we're just tired. tired of trying to just be enough. Tired of trying to fit timelines that don't actually belong to us. I think people are more like a garden, different plants, different needs, and different timelines. You wouldn't plant everything in the same spot and expect it to thrive. That's why we need diversity. And I think people are the same way. ⁓ So back the question, ⁓ when did labels stop describing us ⁓ and start us? ⁓ maybe a follow-up question is this, ⁓ what would change we got curious about people again? ⁓ Instead of assuming, ⁓ instead of instead of deciding who someone is before we actually get to know them, ⁓ what if made more space for contradictions, ⁓ for growth, for people be more than just one ⁓ thing at ⁓ I think be calmer. ⁓ if we let each other just be. ask questions to understand, not to win, and accept that sometimes we don't have to understand everything to respect it. You don't have to have everything figured out to think deeply. You don't have to pick a side to care about people. And you don't have to reduce yourself to a label to belong. And maybe understanding starts there.