Latest / Age Like a Badass Mother / Ep. 107: How to Eliminate Limiting Beliefs with Shelly Lefkoe

Transcript

Ep. 107: How to Eliminate Limiting Beliefs with Shelly Lefkoe · Age Like a Badass Mother

• 0:00
  Hi friend. According to the Journal of Clinical Psychology, 92% of people who try to change their behavior fail.
• 0:07
  Why? Because they focus on the symptoms, not the source. The problem isn't your willpower, it's your beliefs. And those can be eliminated.
• 0:15
  Well, you're in for a real treat today because my guest is Shelly Lefko, the preeminent authority on eliminating beliefs that are holding you back in life, like I'm not good enough.
• 0:26
  So stay tuned because she changed my life.
• 0:29
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• 1:05
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• 1:13
  You'll find that information in the show notes.
• 1:15
  And now, let's eliminate our limiting beliefs.
• 1:19
  with Shelley Lefco.
• 1:31
  Years ago, I Googled how to erase limiting beliefs, and it led me to Shelly Lefko.
• 1:36
  Her words made perfect sense to me.
• 1:39
  I was self-sabotaging, and she helped me change that.
• 1:42
  So today I am so honored that I actually get to talk to that very person who doesn't even know she helped me.
• 1:49
  Shelley Lefko is the co-founder and CEO of the Lefco Institute and an international keynote speaker whose programs have helped over a hundred and fifty thousand people worldwide.
• 2:00
  Permanently eliminate limiting beliefs that hold them back.
• 2:03
  She's the author of Hitting the Wall, Eliminate the Beliefs That Sabotage Your Business and Life, and her revolutionary Lefko method has transformed the lives of thousands.
• 2:13
  You know that I like to get to the root of the problem, and that's what we're gonna do today.
• 2:17
  So let's understand what limiting beliefs are and how to get rid of them forever.
• 2:21
  Please welcome Shelly Lefko. Hello.
• 2:25
  beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, Lauren.
• 2:28
  ~ like I said, I I'm honored to talk to you.
• 2:31
  I've known who you are for a long time.
• 2:33
  And ~ I believe that you really did help me.
• 2:36
  So thank you. so I know that your You're welcome, it's my joy.
• 2:43
  late husband, Morty, developed the system.
• 2:47
  Can tell us something about him.
• 2:49
  What do you want what do you just tell us one thing about him?
• 2:52
  He was an angel. He was the most extraordinary human being.
• 2:55
  I'll tell you what they said. That's a great question.
• 2:57
  And I'll tell you what they said at his memorial.
• 3:00
  They said he was the most loving man they ever met.
• 3:03
  They said he was the most non-judgmental man they ever met.
• 3:09
  My daughter stood up and said, I not only knew I was loved unconditionally every day of my life.
• 3:16
  But I never felt judged by my father.
• 3:19
  And two people said I knew him forty years and I never heard him say my gosh.
• 3:24
  a bad word about anybody. And what I'll say about him, he was the real deal. The real he had more integrity than anybody I've ever met.
• 3:30
  Well.
• 3:33
  That that's how did you meet him?
• 3:35
  We met at Est, a personal development course ~ that we were both involved~ with. And I said he is not the one.
• 3:46
  My my mother ~ met him and I knew him ~ from around the office.
• 3:52
  And my mother said, You're gonna marry him, and I went, ~ no. He wears Gucci shoes and carries his purse, and he looked like he walked with a stick up his ass.
• 4:02
  And he looked very serious. And he kept pursuing me.
• 4:05
  And I kept telling him, You're wonderful.
• 4:07
  I I kept telling him no. And one day he left a message on my answering machine.
• 4:12
  I know in those days we had that.
• 4:13
  He said, I know you don't want to go out with me Saturday night, Right.
• 4:18
  but if you did, where would I make a reservation and what time would I pick you~ I said, that deserves a date.
• 4:27
  ~ And it was my belief that he was very serious.
• 4:32
  And I ~ that kept me I wanted somebody who was light and funny.
• 4:36
  And I kept going out with him and I kept telling him he's not the one.
• 4:40
  Like we'd had a great time. I really enjoyed you, but you're not the one. We'd be in bed and I would tell him he's not the one.
• 4:47
  Wow, that he's a very confident man he was a confident man if he could take that.
• 4:49
  And he would just He would just look at me and go, I got it. What do you want to do tonight?
• 4:56
  It was like, okay. And then one day I realized this is this is love.
• 4:57
  What changed?
• 5:00
  What changed was that he got me.
• 5:00
  This is it. This is love. my gosh.
• 5:03
  And then you were married thirty five years.
• 5:04
  Yeah.
• 5:05
  He didn't try to change my mind.
• 5:07
  He didn't try to enroll me. He didn't get pissed off.
• 5:11
  He just got it. So we'd have a great time, you know.
• 5:16
  Great, whatever, and we would be lying there and he'd say, What's wrong? And I'd say, Nothing.
• 5:20
  I just we had a great time and he'd pray and I'd say, Morty, I think you're wonderful and I love being with you, but you're not the one because I knew I knew I was the one for him.
• 5:31
  I didn't want to hurt him. And he said, I got it. And one day I just looked at him and I went, You are the most extraordinary human I've ever met.
• 5:39
  And that was it. I fell in love.
• 5:41
  Wow. He was like he had to drip on you like honey a little at a time until you really got it, right? That's extraordinary. Wow.
• 5:49
  And so I know he developed the method.
• 5:52
  So can can we just jump into it?
• 5:55
  So t how did he develop this method?
• 5:58
  Yeah, so in his life, he struggled.
• 6:01
  Everything looked like it was gonna happen and it didn't.
• 6:03
  And he he was brilliant.
• 6:07
  And he says he was on what's called a spiritual intellectual journey to Now, listen, everybody, this is very important.
• 6:16
  He was looking at why we know what to do and don't do it.
• 6:21
  We know We should exercise is a perfect podcast for this.
• 6:24
  We know we should exercise and eat well and will age better and we don't.
• 6:31
  We know we should not go into that relationship and we go in anyway.
• 6:35
  We know we should wear seatbelts and we don't.
• 6:38
  So we know.
• 6:41
  We know we shouldn't yell at our kids, and we do. Why do we not do things we know we should do and do things we know we shouldn't do?
• 6:50
  He was fascinated by this. So he's on a plane going to California to interview I won't go into that whole story, but he was journaling. And he written now, this is over 35 years, maybe 40 years ago.
• 7:04
  Nob when when I used to say to people, Lauren, that I'm in the belief business, people would say beliefs? You mean like religious beliefs?
• 7:13
  Like what do you mean? Today everybody's talking about beliefs because people now know you can't make change if you don't change your beliefs.
• 7:20
  It's very hard. Now you can't.
• 7:21
  So he got off the plane and he did the process on the people who were interviewing him for this assignment. He got it. They were blown away.
• 7:31
  It was how to keep people off welfare ~ in the state of California.
• 7:36
  And he came home and he said, I have to show you what happened on the plane.
• 7:43
  Now my husband was very ~ modest so he said I I downloaded it as opposed to I created it. Exactly.
• 7:51
  Like I channeled it. Right. Okay.
• 7:53
  And so He sat down and I'm gonna tell you the truth.
• 7:57
  I usually say it was a friend, but he sat down with his ex-wife, who was part of my family, and ~ She wanted to meet a guy and get married again.
• 8:09
  And she wasn't. And he said, Well, what do you believe? And she said, Well, marriage is suffocating and men are selfish.
• 8:18
  And, you know, she started sprouting all these beliefs.
• 8:20
  And I sat there and he helped her eliminate one belief.
• 8:25
  And I say eliminate because I mean eliminate.
• 8:27
  I don't mean bust them and bang them and all the stupid things people say.
• 8:30
  And spirit whacked me on the head and said, This is what you are here on this earth to do.
• 8:40
  incredible.
• 8:41
  And I've been doing it for almost 40 years.
• 8:43
  I have clients in every country around the world, including Saudi Arabia, which blows my mind.
• 8:49
  ~ and it's yeah, That's crazy.
• 8:53
  Did his ex wife meet somebody?
• 8:56
  and there's never been a day where I am not grateful to my core.
• 9:06
  for that moment. Not a day.
• 9:09
  It it kind of just tells me everything when you said his ex-wife's my family.
• 9:12
  Like I you know, I get that. I get that.
• 9:15
  Because yeah, isn't that amazing?
• 9:16
  Yeah, my kids call her Aunt Orlene.
• 9:17
  Yeah. Yeah. ~ I love that. So let's let's kind of go into, you know, what what is a limiting belief and how do we get rid of it?
• 9:26
  Yeah. Awesome.
• 9:28
  So the first thing I want to do is make a distinction because people confuse patterns and beliefs all the time.
• 9:35
  And if you're trying to get rid of a pattern, you're gonna you're not. You you're gonna get rid of the beliefs.
• 9:42
  So a pattern is observable, okay?
• 9:45
  It is what is behavior that you either want to stop doing or start doing.
• 9:52
  Something you want and don't have or something that you don't have and you Some way that I'm gonna give you all of them.
• 9:56
  Like an example would be Okay.
• 9:59
  Pro not all of them, but I'll give you a bunch.
• 10:01
  So behavioral patterns are procrastination.
• 10:05
  I don't speak up for myself. ~ I get into crappy relationships and stay in.
• 10:13
  I allow people to mistreat me.
• 10:15
  I'm a workaholic, I'm a people pleaser.
• 10:19
  Those are all observable patterns. I can watch a video and see though you doing those things or not doing those things. I avoid confrontation.
• 10:30
  That's a behavioral pattern. Emotional patterns are depression, anxiety. you walk around feeling~ low self esteem, right?
• 10:43
  So ~ So those are behavioral patterns.
• 10:47
  Beliefs are a statement about reality that you hold as the truth.
• 10:53
  That's what a belief is. It's a statement about reality that you hold as the truth.
• 10:59
  Okay. I believe men are, life is, people, people can't be trusted.
• 11:07
  Okay. Now, beliefs.
• 11:09
  Cause our behaviors.
• 11:13
  So watch. If you believe people can't be trusted, are you gonna have a lot of friends?
• 11:18
  Close friends? No. You might work in a lab alone.
• 11:18
  No.
• 11:22
  You might do solo sports as opposed to team sports.
• 11:26
  You might be a terrible delegator at work because you can't trust people.
• 11:31
  You might think your husband's always cheating on you, even if he's not. So beliefs determine what you do, what you feel, and ultimately your reality.
• 11:40
  If you believe, I have never had a client who had the belief life is hard that said, but my life is easy. People who have the belief life is hard have hard lives.
• 11:50
  Okay. Okay, great question.
• 11:50
  Where do these beliefs come from?
• 11:53
  So we come into this world and we don't know if we're and I'm gonna tell you the five most common beliefs in a minute.
• 12:01
  We come into the world and we don't know if we're good enough or not.
• 12:05
  We don't know if money is scarce and hard to get or flows with abundance.
• 12:09
  We don't know if relationships work or they don't.
• 12:13
  We don't know anything. In fact, before you create any distinctions, they don't even exist. And that's the spiritual part of that we do at the end of the process, which is very magical. So what is the one word question every child asks all day long?
• 12:33
  Why, mommy? Why?
• 12:34
  Why?
• 12:35
  Why? I just had a client right before the podcast.
• 12:38
  I asked her that question. She didn't have kids.
• 12:40
  She still answered. Why? She did know.
• 12:43
  she did know.
• 12:44
  Immediately. Wasn't even a hesitation.
• 12:46
  So everybody knows that the one-word question that everyone asks, every child asks all day long is why.
• 12:52
  So we come into this world and we get.
• 12:54
  What's wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you?
• 12:57
  Stop it. Your hands are dirty.
• 13:00
  Get them what you got an a you got a B?
• 13:03
  Why didn't you get an A?
• 13:04
  Oops, I might have done that one.
• 13:06
  We wouldn't, so there's no such thing as a perfect parent.
• 13:09
  So everybody listening to me, don't worry about that.
• 13:11
  I wasn't a perfect parent, and I tried really hard.
• 13:14
  Nobody's perfect. So child says, Why can't I live up to my parents' expectations?
• 13:20
  Well, I guess I'm not good enough.
• 13:22
  If parents, and again, I'm not saying this to give you guilt.
• 13:28
  I'm saying this because you can change it.
• 13:31
  And if you've done it, you can go back and clean it up.
• 13:34
  But if a parent is a workaholic and never around, or busy and doesn't pay attention to the kid, or says, I'm listening.
• 13:44
  So if those of you who are listening to the podcast, And they're scrolling on their phone.
• 13:47
  I'm I'm looking at my phone. How many of us look at our phones and tell our kids, yeah, I'm listening? No, you're not, and they know you're not. So what they conclude is I'm not important.
• 13:57
  Why? Why am I not getting attention?
• 13:59
  Well, I guess I'm not important, right? Now, if you travel, you can FaceTime your kid and say, tell me about your day. I don't care if you have 10 minutes on the road, that will make a difference. So I'm not good enough, I'm not important. If they struggle,~ I can't pay the bills and we have no money, and money's so hard, and we can't afford it, and you can't have it, you're gonna conclude.
• 14:22
  Why? Why is it well? I guess money is scarce and hard to get.
• 14:25
  So that's how beliefs get formed.
• 14:28
  Now, here's why they stay with us throughout all the personal growth work 15 years of therapy, and evidence to the contrary.
• 14:38
  I've worked with five Harvard PhDs who had the belief I'm stupid.
• 14:43
  Evidence doesn't get rid of beliefs.
• 14:44
  Incredible.
• 14:45
  Okay?
• 14:46
  Because if everybody closes your eye, close close your eyes and everybody take a deep breath and say out loud, if you can, I'm not good enough.
• 14:58
  I'm not good enough.
• 14:59
  Now say I'm a monkey.
• 15:01
  I'm a monkey.
• 15:01
  So when you say I'm a monkey, it feels silly.
• 15:04
  When you say I'm not good enough, how does that feel?
• 15:07
  I mean, yeah, there's like a twinge.
• 15:09
  It's definitely not I'm a monkey.
• 15:11
  I mean So for most people, Lauren, it feels crappy.
• 15:15
  I don't want to say it, I don't like to say it.
• 15:17
  Or they might say, that feels crappy because I don't believe it.
• 15:22
  If you didn't believe it, it would feel like I'm a monkey, it would feel like just words.
• 15:26
  So that's the first thing. So if you look at your childhood and you imagine being criticized or being bullied or wherever that came from, and I said to you, doesn't it feel like You saw I'm not good enough.
• 15:42
  You would say, Yes, I saw it. Or if your parents struggled about money, I'd say, doesn't it feel like you saw money is scarce and hard to get, or life is hard? Or if your parents fought and yelled all the time, wouldn't it feel like you saw relationships don't work?
• 15:59
  And everybody says yes. Now, here's the juice.
• 16:02
  If somebody said to you, Lauren doesn't wear glasses, what would you, for those of you who saw her, you'd say, Of yes, she does. And they'd say, No, she doesn't. You'd say, Yes, she does. I how do you know? Because I saw Lauren in glasses.
• 16:16
  So you believe she wears glasses and you couldn't believe.
• 16:18
  We believe in Santa Claus for eight years until one day we go, wait a minute.
• 16:25
  That's not Santa Claus. That's my dad, or that's Macy's guy, or in that moment, what happens to the belief in Santa Claus?
• 16:34
  goes away. It never comes back.
• 16:36
  It is this is important.
• 16:39
  It is impossible to not believe something you think you saw.
• 16:45
  That is why our beliefs stay with us for our whole life.
• 16:49
  Because you think you saw your parents acting in a certain way towards you.
• 16:52
  No, no. You did see your parents acting in a certain way towards you.
• 16:57
  That is what you saw. But you didn't see I'm not good enough.
• 17:02
  That was in your mind. You made that up.
• 17:04
  And that's how beliefs go away.
• 17:06
  Now, you have to know this whole bunch of steps to the process.
• 17:10
  You have to so we break it up by looking at alternative interpretations, and then we have a step about meaning, which I'll talk about a little later.
• 17:24
  Something that will change real I do have one thing you can't It's hard to get rid of beliefs on your own, and I'm gonna give you an opportunity to eliminate a belief for free.
• 17:33
  So I will do that, but I will teach you a tool that will change your life forever.
• 17:37
  ~ but I want to go back to beliefs.
• 17:40
  The trick is you have to know what beliefs underlie the specific pattern.
• 17:47
  Right, so if you're a workaholic, you probably have the belief.
• 17:54
  I'm not good enough. I'm not important.
• 17:56
  But what makes me good enough or important are my achievements.
• 18:01
  So now I have a beach ball called I'm Not Good Enough.
• 18:05
  I don't want to live with like that.
• 18:06
  That sucks. So I have what we I create a survival strategy belief.
• 18:11
  So if you're a kid and you've concluded I'm not good enough, and then one day You get acknowledged for your A's or your goals, right? Scoring goals. ~ what makes me good enough is achieving things.
• 18:19
  Isn't it?
• 18:24
  Now I have to hold this beach ball called I'm not good enough underwater.
• 18:29
  That's workaholism. I have to keep doing it and doing it and doing it because guess what? Your achievements don't make you good enough.
• 18:36
  If you're the oldest of ten in a Catholic or any other family, you probably have the belief what makes me good enough is taking care of people, because that's what you got acknowledged for.
• 18:48
  So now we have what makes me good enough is taking care of people.
• 18:52
  Or the way to get love is to take care of people.
• 18:55
  Now I'm holding the beach ball underwater.
• 18:57
  And if you're listening, I have my fist in front of my face.
• 19:01
  That's I'm not good enough. And my hand is on top of the fist, and I'm holding the beach ball underwater, right?
• 19:08
  So now I become a caretaker and I become a nurse and I have to keep taking care of people and I take care of the whole family and everybody depends on me because I have to now keep I'm not good enough underwater.
• 19:19
  So what we do is we get rid of the core belief and then we get rid of the survival strategy belief beliefs.
• 19:26
  Survival strategies are driven.
• 19:28
  And I'm gonna tell you the one that changed my life.
• 19:31
  In one minute, I was a Completely different person.
• 19:34
  You ready?
• 19:35
  Yeah.
• 19:36
  What makes me good enough I'm none of you will relate to this.
• 19:39
  What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me.
• 19:43
  Course.
• 19:44
  I used to walk away from people going, Did I say the right thing? Did I wear the right thing?
• 19:47
  Sure. I'd call my friends, what are you wearing to the party?
• 19:50
  You wearing jeans? Are you getting dressed up?
• 19:51
  And God forbid I should wear what I wanted to wear.
• 19:54
  my shoes and bag match in those days?
• 19:56
  So my mother.
• 20:03
  Loved me more than anything in the world.
• 20:05
  She was an angel from heaven. I was blessed beyond words.
• 20:09
  She did two things.
• 20:12
  She did everything for me. So I concluded I'm not capable.
• 20:15
  And even though I lived alone in New York City for seven years, traveled the world, I did a lot of things that came naturally to me.
• 20:25
  I was very lucky in that way.
• 20:27
  But if something was hard, I staffed it out.
• 20:30
  I asked a friend. I didn't make Halloween, I didn't know how to sew. So my girlfriend made Halloween costumes.
• 20:35
  I had a belief I'm not creative.
• 20:37
  So I asked other people to do things for me.
• 20:39
  So that was the one thing she did.
• 20:41
  So you don't have to have parents who are terrible.
• 20:44
  And the other thing was, you were invited to the party?
• 20:48
  You weren't invited? ~ my.
• 20:52
  God, I come from Brooklyn. ~ my God.
• 20:55
  I'm from Queens. Yeah, And I had a very Jewish mother.
• 20:59
  And she would say, You weren't invited?
• 21:00
  same.
• 21:02
  Jill didn't call. She left without you.
• 21:05
  You know, ~ you're you were invited into the sorority.
• 21:10
  you're popular. All she cared about was that I was loved, included, and invited.
• 21:16
  So I had the belief what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. When I got rid of that belief, I became my authentic self.
• 21:28
  And when I spoke in front of 600 people in Croatia, I knew I'm not everybody's cup of tea.
• 21:35
  I have clients who love me because I tell them, you want to talk? Go to therapy.
• 21:40
  This ain't talking. This is do the process.
• 21:43
  You know, but they're locked.
• 21:46
  Let's get to it.
• 21:47
  That's what I love. Who wants to spend fifteen years talking when Hello, but there are people you could just yeah, get rid of it?
• 21:53
  who want to call and tell me stories.
• 21:56
  And no, no, you just have to hear this.
• 21:58
  Or let me let me just tell you one more thing.
• 22:00
  I don't need it. I have the inform and I'm loving and I'm soft and I'm gentle.
• 22:04
  I'm not soft, but I'm gentle. But there are clients who love me, Yeah.
• 22:09
  and there are people, Lauren, who wouldn't want to work with me if I paid them.
• 22:14
  I am not everybody's cup of tea.
• 22:16
  That's for everybody. Yeah.
• 22:17
  But I will change your life.
• 22:19
  Right. And some people love the fact that I'm friendly.
• 22:23
  I walk into pickleball. I know everybody's name.
• 22:25
  I say hello to everybody. And some people, most people there love me. And there's somebody, I'm sure, who goes, Who is this woman?
• 22:33
  Or, you know, why is she so friendly?
• 22:35
  Or who knows what? But that's okay.
• 22:37
  Now, it doesn't mean I don't care.
• 22:40
  Most of the time I don't, but that's not the point.
• 22:43
  The point is, and listen everybody, this is so good. I no longer define myself based on what other people think.
• 22:53
  That's the freedom.
• 22:54
  That is freedom. That is freedom.
• 22:56
  And so okay, so we have a belief that's in the past, and then we give that belief meaning, right? No.
• 23:05
  No, we give events meaning. So let's talk about meaning.
• 23:08
  we give events meaning. Okay. Okay, Okay. So I'm gonna make a statement.
• 23:11
  let's talk about meaning.
• 23:13
  Very, very, very important statement.
• 23:18
  All of your emotions come from the meaning you give events.
• 23:26
  Your husband comes home, doesn't kiss you, hello. Or your boyfriend comes home, doesn't kiss you, hello. ~ he doesn't love me anymore.
• 23:32
  He's having an affair.
• 23:33
  You're gonna feel bad. If you give it the meaning he had a hard day, you might feel compassion. If you don't give it any meaning, he just doesn't kiss me hello when he comes home, doesn't mean anything, you will feel nothing.
• 23:48
  So, you ready?
• 23:51
  Some of you may know this, most of you will have your minds blown.
• 23:55
  So on everybody to do this with me.
• 23:57
  Somebody comes into a room that you know and doesn't say hello to you, what might you automatically think?
• 24:05
  I mean, I'm just gonna play along 'cause I'm not I'm not the person that feeds into Yeah, yeah. Right.
• 24:09
  that. But yeah, like ~ she's mad at me or you know Right, but you can y you could say something if you would it wasn't about saying something bad.
• 24:19
  It's you could say, they're distracted, or they're shy, or they're rude, Mm-hmm. Right. Right.
• 24:26
  or they're anything. But whatever you said is meaning.
• 24:30
  Where did that meaning come from?
• 24:32
  So you said they're they're Guess it's just something I made up in my head.
• 24:35
  Awesome. All meaning comes from your head, your mind.
• 24:40
  If meaning is in your mind, in your inside your head, do events have inherent meaning?
• 24:49
  No, based on what you just said.
• 24:50
  No. Yeah. What well no, Well, based on what I just said or no?
• 24:53
  That's fire. Yeah.
• 24:54
  they don't. Because you're you're saying it comes from your head.
• 24:59
  Or wait, say that again. I got confused.
• 25:00
  I'm not I'm not saying anything.
• 25:01
  Okay, wait, s say it again. Ask me again.
• 25:02
  You're saying it. Okay. All all meaning comes from in from your mind.
• 25:08
  If meaning is in your mind, do events have meaning?
• 25:13
  That's a good one.
• 25:13
  Events have yeah, events have consequences.
• 25:17
  So I have a million examples, but this is my favorite.
• 25:21
  Cause it makes the point. My husband and then I'll give you the ones that everybody gives me. Yeah, buts. I love yeah butts.
• 25:27
  ~ My husband died. We're married 35 years, and just like Lauren's, if you saw her episode with her husband, delicious love, you know, really strong relationship.
• 25:37
  Real thing.
• 25:38
  When he died, I was crushed.
• 25:41
  I was devastated. Okay. Grieving is healthy, and I grieved. Not getting out of bed is not healthy.
• 25:52
  And I'm not doing that because I came to this world to have fun.
• 25:55
  So I used this technique every day, and it got me out of bed. And here's the point.
• 26:01
  The fact that Morty died matters to me.
• 26:05
  It's horrible. My kids lost their father, and he was the best father that was ever put on the planet.
• 26:11
  But the fact that he died.
• 26:15
  Doesn't mean I'm first first meaning I'm gonna starve to death.
• 26:22
  I don't know how to run a business.
• 26:24
  He left you a business.
• 26:24
  I never wanted to huh?
• 26:26
  He left you a business to run.
• 26:28
  He left me a business to run and I tripled it.
• 26:30
  So the fact that I didn't know how to run a business didn't mean I wouldn't be able to. Next day, I don't want to get out of bed.
• 26:38
  What happened? Morty died. What meaning did I give it?
• 26:41
  I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life.
• 26:43
  I'll never have fun again. Well, it could mean that, and it could mean you're gonna have a second act, and it could mean which I haven't found yet, but I will. Yes, Are you looking?
• 26:55
  I don't know.
• 26:55
  Kind of. ~ yes.
• 26:56
  If anybody's listening, if anybody's Yes, I'm looking, but I'm not doing anything because I have a very busy life.
• 27:01
  But I found pickleball. I play pickleball seven days a week, pretty much, either days or nights.
• 27:06
  And that's my joy and my, you know, I have friends, I go out, I have a life, right? So the fact that he died doesn't mean anything.
• 27:17
  That is to say, we don't know anything for sure because.
• 27:22
  Something happens.
• 27:23
  That's what meaning is. People say, It's the meaning. The meaning you assign it.
• 27:26
  well, what about what about getting married?
• 27:28
  Well, if you get married, that doesn't mean you're gonna live happily ever after.
• 27:34
  It doesn't mean you're not gonna live happy.
• 27:37
  It doesn't mean we don't know anything for sure other than you're married, right? 9 11. What about 9 11?
• 27:44
  That does not mean all Arabs are bad or Muslims are bad or flying is dangerous or tall buildings are.
• 27:51
  Events have no meaning, but they may have consequences.
• 27:55
  Now, the meaning you give events generally come from your beliefs.
• 28:01
  So if you believe~ people can't be trusted. And you see your two friends talking, but their heads are down a little bit.
• 28:10
  The meaning you're gonna give it is,~ they're talking about me.
• 28:13
  Or something like that. If you believe I'll never get what I want, you probably won't ask. And you'll every time you don't, you give it the meaning, see, I'm I knew I would never get what I want.
• 28:27
  So anything So it's the meaning you give it. Give the events.
• 28:29
  Give the events.
• 28:32
  So if you want to get, so beliefs are formed in the past, meaning is formed in the moment.
• 28:38
  If you want to get rid of, you want you want your change to be effortless, right? I had a client yesterday who got rid of a whole bunch of beliefs about not being able to get what she wanted and speaking up.
• 28:52
  And she came into the session,~ that was last week, and she came into the session yesterday, and she's just like, my God, I told my husband you can't talk to me that way, and I did this and I did that, and it was just.
• 29:04
  Half the time people say to me, Well, I don't know if I saw much change.
• 29:07
  And then I tell them what they worked on, and they go, my God, the change was so natural, I didn't even realize it. That is getting rid of beliefs.
• 29:15
  If you want to get rid of meaning, I'm sorry, sorry, if you want to get rid of feelings, anytime you have a negative emotion, and by a negative emotion for all you new age people.
• 29:28
  Why's a negative emotion? A negative emotion is an emotion you don't want.
• 29:33
  I don't want to walk around depressed, anxious, sad. I have no interest.
• 29:37
  I'll feel those feelings and then do this process and get rid of them because I don't wanna. If you want to, knock yourself out. But if you don't, what happened? What meaning did I give what just happened?
• 29:51
  Come up with one other possible meaning.
• 29:53
  And then get that the event has no meaning.
• 29:56
  We don't know anything for sure because that thing happened.
• 30:00
  Yeah. That reminds me of that the book The Four Agreements where don't don't take anything personally. You know, that no, you're making a face.
• 30:08
  To because you don't know I guess what I'm getting at is I try not~ to take anything personally because I don't know what the meaning is, or you know, you don't know for sure.
• 30:21
  So is that not the same thing then?
• 30:21
  Yes. It it yes.
• 30:23
  Kind of or And i it it's like saying, when I ask people, can events that have no meaning make you feel anything?
• 30:34
  And they say, only if I let them.
• 30:36
  You can't let an event that has no meaning make you feel anything.
• 30:40
  It it's just impossible. So this is the same, it's like, don't take it personally, okay.
• 30:46
  I I just don't think it's It's accurate but not doable because you're going to give it meaning.
• 30:51
  The give the events, not it. I hate the word it.
• 30:52
  Mm.
• 30:54
  You're going to give the events meaning.
• 30:56
  And the only way to not take it personally is to not give the events meaning.
• 31:01
  And if that's what he means, that's great, Okay.
• 31:04
  but that's not what he's saying.
• 31:05
  So if I say to you, don't take it personally, Okay.
• 31:08
  or if I say to you, Yeah.
• 31:10
  What meaning do the events have?
• 31:12
  The one is useful, the other's not useful.
• 31:15
  Yes, you're right.
• 31:15
  That's all.
• 31:16
  That's true because don't take it personally.
• 31:18
  You're pretty much gonna take it personally.
• 31:21
  So how do you get rid of a negative emotion?
• 31:23
  So, what you do is you write as you have the negative emotion, you start to feel anxious. You're going to make a presentation.
• 31:32
  Or now, if you make a presentation and you have a fear of public speaking, that's the only pattern that has the same beliefs for every person.
• 31:41
  So there's like 10 beliefs that cause a fear of public speaking.
• 31:46
  You get rid of those beliefs, you won't have the fear.
• 31:49
  But if you feel anxious, you say, what happened? I'm gonna speak in public.
• 31:53
  What meaning am I gonna what meaning am I giving it, giving the fact that I'm gonna speak?
• 31:58
  I'm gonna be judged. Well, what does it mean that I'm gonna be judged?
• 32:02
  I'm not good enough. Well, it could mean you're not good enough, and it could mean that some people will like you and some people won't like you, right? So anytime you have a negative emotion, stop and ask yourself, what happened?
• 32:14
  What meaning did I give what happened?
• 32:16
  And if you really want a shortcut, all you have to do is get that the meaning's in your head.
• 32:21
  It's not in the events. And the emotion will go away.
• 32:24
  I'd like to come up with one other interpretation because it breaks it up for But I want to go back to, so that's the gift I have.
• 32:31
  That's one of the two gifts. You will it stops.
• 32:34
  My my husband did a TEDx talk called How to Stop Suffering, where he teaches this.
• 32:38
  I watched it. It was great. Uh-huh. Yes.
• 32:39
  you did, wasn't it great? Did you like the cups?
• 32:41
  The cups?
• 32:44
  The glasses.
• 32:45
  ~ the Yes, Where I leave the glasses all over the house.
• 32:48
  that you left your glasses all over the house.
• 32:50
  Yes, it got me thinking 'cause yeah, everybody has that in their relationship, right? It's a little things that, you know, okay. My husb yeah.
• 32:56
  Yeah. But he was giving it the meaning I expected him to clean up after me.
• 33:02
  I never expected that. I just left him.
• 33:05
  I left glasses.
• 33:06
  He said that Shelley uses like ten glasses every time she gets a drink, she gets a fresh cup and leaves them all over the house.
• 33:12
  And he gave it the meaning that she he expected she expected him to clean up after her, which was not true.
• 33:18
  Right, right.
• 33:19
  Yeah.
• 33:19
  So now I want to go back if I may to the most common beliefs that people have.
• 33:24
  Please.
• 33:25
  So the five most common beliefs.
• 33:27
  And I knew I could have written a book.
• 33:32
  I literally taught classes on this.
• 33:36
  Mistakes and failures are bad.
• 33:37
  I could give you every famous quote, Michael Jordan, Richard Branson, all of them. I still had the belief until I got rid of it.
• 33:46
  That mistakes and failures were bad.
• 33:47
  Until I got rid of it, and that was a life changer.
• 33:50
  Mistakes and failures are bad.
• 33:52
  If I make a mistake or fail, I'll be rejected.
• 33:56
  I'm not good enough. I'm not important.
• 33:58
  And what makes me important is having other people think well of me.
• 34:03
  Because if you aren't worried about what other people thought, think about how your life would be different.
• 34:09
  What about I'm not lovable? That's not a top one?
• 34:12
  Or is that I'm not good enough?
• 34:12
  It's not it's not only not a top one, it is the one it's funny, I don't know why, but it is the one b we have a program called Natural Confidence for people who don't want to or can't afford to do private sessions, and it's two hundred dollars and it's nineteen self-esteem beliefs, and you go through with a video with Morty or me.
• 34:36
  And I'm not lovable is the only belief that's not on there.
• 34:42
  And I don't know why, but I will tell you.
• 34:44
  When I tell people to say a belief out loud, sometimes they cry, sometimes they don't.
• 34:48
  Mostly they don't. It just feels shitty, or they'll look at me like, I don't want to say that.
• 34:53
  Please don't make me say that.
• 34:54
  With I'm not lovable, and the belief, there's another belief. It's I'm not worth loving.
• 35:00
  That's the big one.
• 35:01
  I'm not worth loving. When I ask people to say that out loud, they either start crying, they can't say it, or they look at me like I'd rather rip my nails off and bleed than say those words.
• 35:15
  That's how intense that belief is.
• 35:17
  It's really interesting. It's the only belief that has that.
• 35:18
  Yeah.
• 35:20
  'Cause mhm I n I know somebody with that belief and it's it rules her life.
• 35:26
  It rules her life. Yeah, she needs to come see you.
• 35:27
  And I'll tell you, I'll yeah, I'll tell you a a wonderful, wonderful story about that belief.
• 35:34
  Because I want you, for those of you who had parents who were not affectionate or love, you know, loving, or so I had a client who had the belief I'm not worth loving and I'm not lovable. And where he got it from was when he was little and he would run to his mother to hug her.
• 35:54
  She would go like this. So, for those of you listening, I'm pushing my hands away. But like imagine pushing a child away.
• 36:02
  And that's what she used to do.
• 36:04
  So ~ I'm gonna cry because I always cry when I tell the story.
• 36:08
  Maybe I won't now. So he gets rid of the belief.
• 36:13
  And he goes to his mother's house and he rings the bell and she opens the door and he goes to hug her and she goes like that.
• 36:20
  She pushes, you know, and not in a mean way, I'm not pushing my just like a little gentle pushing away, like, right?
• 36:29
  But this time he says, no, no, no, no, no, and he gives her a big The next night he goes to her house, he rings the bell, she opens the door, he goes to hug her, she goes like this and pushes him away, and he says no, no, no, no, no, and he gives her a big The next night he goes to her house, he rings the bell, she opens the door, and she hugged him.
• 36:58
  Why?
• 36:59
  Because she knew she wasn't gonna get rejected.
• 37:05
  What?
• 37:05
  It was her belief I'm not lovable.
• 37:10
  I'm not worth loving.
• 37:13
  If I don't push people away, they'll push me away first.
• 37:17
  That's so sad.
• 37:17
  It was her fear of rejection. It wasn't about him.
• 37:23
  Wow.
• 37:23
  That's what's so powerful about belief.
• 37:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 37:26
  It's crazy. So, you know, I mean that's that's an incredible story about beliefs and dissolving them, but I I there was something in your I I heard one interview with you and it was talking about raising children.
• 37:41
  This reminds me because you know you're talking about raising this little child and pushing them away. But you know, you you had the knowledge to raise your children with~ I know you would say like ~ learning opportunity instead of, you know, you made a mistake or whatever.
• 37:59
  And so instead so you just had all this knowledge to raise your children better.
• 38:05
  Well like the example that made me shudder a little with you know, when you got to like, ~ you got a B, you could have gotten an A. Well, They weren't.
• 38:14
  we used to say that to one of our kids because this kid's so smart, she'd never pop a book and without popping a book she made straight B's. Well if she would have just opened up we're like if you just open a book, you could have an A. So I know the answer to this now from listening to you, but can you kind of share so instead of harping on your kids, what would be a better way to encourage them or get them Fine.
• 38:36
  So first of all, parenting is my passion.
• 38:39
  I could talk for seven hours without taking a breath.
• 38:43
  So in the few minutes we have left, I will answer that question. So I have a parenting course, Yeah.
• 38:50
  right? It's called Empowering the Next Generation.
• 38:53
  I don't want our kids to have the beliefs that we had, right? So there's eight hours.
• 38:58
  Well, the first One the first hour is about how beliefs get formed and all that.
• 39:02
  The second to the seventh hour are all skills and tools.
• 39:07
  So I can't tell you how to do that in two minutes, but I'll give you an example with this, because this is important. Everybody, I work with nothing but people who got straight A's in school, who are depressed, miserable, unhappy, and dysfunctional. So This idea that my kid has to get all A's.
• 39:25
  I ask parents, do you excel at everything?
• 39:28
  Right. No. Of course.
• 39:29
  Nobody has ever said yes to that question. Nobody excels at everything.
• 39:33
  Why would you expect your kid to?
• 39:35
  It's so ridiculous. Why do they need to get an A?
• 39:40
  It it's insane. And we I am so sick of hearing I'm not good enough.
• 39:46
  Where did that come from? And A's and A's and it's like, why? A B do you know that when my my d my kids went to an alternative school with no grades?
• 39:54
  'Cause I didn't want to have all this conversation.
• 39:56
  Hm.
• 39:58
  ~ yeah, for nine years.
• 39:59
  ~ smart. ~ But then my daughter went to a regular high school for one year and then she went to an alternative high school.
• 40:06
  The first day orientation, parent orientation. And I'll never forget it as long as I live.
• 40:14
  The dean or whoever was doing the meeting, the admit what the high school I think was the high school dean.
• 40:19
  He said, let me tell you something.
• 40:20
  A B is a good grade.
• 40:22
  It's a good grade. A C means they need support.
• 40:23
  It is.
• 40:27
  A D means something's not working.
• 40:31
  And an F is we have some questions.
• 40:34
  So the first thing I had ~ listen to me, everyone, I'm gonna tell you this one thing.
• 40:39
  I had a video. I was on a podcast, and the guy, you know, podcasters make clips and they post the clips.
• 40:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 40:45
  So ~ It was wisdom plus wellness, or wellness plus wisdom, I don't know, whatever it is. And he posts this clip from the podcast.
• 40:53
  It got one million three hundred thousand views.
• 40:58
  What was a clip?
• 40:58
  I think 700 million people forwarded it.
• 41:02
  It was just like and you know, people are like they take courses on how to get viral.
• 41:07
  I was just watching this thing going, are you kidding me? And here's what the clip was.
• 41:11
  What was the clip?
• 41:12
  Okay, you ready? Here's the clip.
• 41:15
  Never ask the question, why?
• 41:19
  Why is meaning and meaning is made up?
• 41:24
  Are you talking about with your kids?
• 41:25
  Or with any b anybody?
• 41:26
  Ever but let's start with your kids. Yes, with your kids. But it's it's mostly So never ask the question why.
• 41:34
  or usually every always. Even if you knew why, why is that powerful? It's like, I'm~ I'm frigid because I was molested as a kid.
• 41:48
  Now what?
• 41:48
  Why is not powerful? You ask a kid, why don't you want to go to school?
• 41:52
  I don't know. Why don't you like school?
• 41:54
  I don't know. Why anything? I don't know.
• 41:56
  But if you ask your child, what is happening at school that has you not want to go? Guess what my client found out?
• 42:06
  Her kid was being molested at school.
• 42:07
  What? At school? my gosh.
• 42:11
  But she didn't. Why don't you want to go to school?
• 42:12
  Okay.
• 42:15
  I don't know. Why don't you like school?
• 42:16
  Mm-hmm.
• 42:17
  I don't know. What is it about school?
• 42:18
  What is happening school?
• 42:19
  What I once had I I won't go into the whole story 'cause it's my speaking on parenting story, but I'm a crazy person about brushing teeth 'cause I had to have all my teeth capped 'cause I didn't floss and brush long enough.
• 42:33
  And I was almost forcing my daughter to brush her teeth.
• 42:36
  And a little voice in my head said, which is what I teach, at what cost?
• 42:40
  If she concludes I'm powerless, I don't want her to brush her teeth.
• 42:44
  So I backed away and I said, I'm not gonna force you, but I have a question. And I said to her, If you don't fli if you don't brush your teeth, you're gonna be talking like this, and you're gonna have no teeth on your mouth.
• 42:54
  But I said to her, What is it about?
• 42:57
  brushing your teeth that you don't like.
• 43:00
  And she looks at me and she goes, and she was little, she was maybe I don't think she was three.
• 43:05
  And she looks at me and she goes, The toothbrush hurts my gums.
• 43:09
  Bam we'll get a softer one. I don't like the taste of the toothpaste.
• 43:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 43:14
  Bam, we'll get a different one.
• 43:16
  What is a powerful question?
• 43:16
  Yeah.
• 43:18
  Is it?
• 43:20
  Why is not?
• 43:21
  You're absolutely right about that.
• 43:23
  And the other thing that I think that I took away from listening to you about parenting was consequences.
• 43:29
  So instead of me saying to my kid, you know, why if you would just pop a book, you could have an A, like that doesn't really matter.
• 43:37
  You're right. ~ but I could have maybe said something like, Well, I don't even know how to frame it,'cause she was plenty smart and it didn't really matter.
• 43:47
  But you know, you want your kids to think about consequences.
• 43:49
  What might the consequence be? Here's the thing.
• 43:51
  happen if you d if you don't study.
• 43:53
  I told this is the single best thing I ever told my kids.
• 43:58
  No matter what you going back to the belief, what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me.
• 44:03
  I told my kids, no matter what you do, somebody's not gonna like it. So you may as well do what you want.
• 44:10
  However, Mm-hmm.
• 44:12
  Before you do anything, stop and ask yourself, what might the consequences of my actions be?
• 44:21
  And do I want to live with those consequences?
• 44:24
  If I have unprotected sex, it's not bad and wrong.
• 44:27
  You just might get pregnant or get an STD or a bad reputation, right? It's not value judgments.
• 44:33
  If you get rid of the words good, bad, right, wrong, you'll be a better parent.
• 44:37
  Mm-hmm. That's exactly right.
• 44:38
  It's what?
• 44:39
  Asked what might the consequence be?
• 44:42
  Consequence.
• 44:43
  Or if they do something and there is a consequence, you can ask them, What happened?
• 44:49
  My daughter lied. In my house, you don't lie. Anything but lying.
• 44:55
  And my husband said, Britt, what were you thinking?
• 44:58
  And she said, And she told us she she said parents would be home and the parents weren't home.
• 45:03
  There was a twenty seven year old sister home.
• 45:05
  And we found out, and and he said, How do you feel about it? And she said, Well, I feel sleazy. And he said, How come? And she said, you know, what is it that makes you feel sleazy?
• 45:15
  And she said, You always treat me with dignity and respect.
• 45:20
  We told our kids, don't treat us with dignity and respect because we're your parents. That's how you treat people.
• 45:25
  We'll treat you that way, you treat us that way.
• 45:28
  Right? You can say, I hate you, but you can't say, Go fuck yourself.
• 45:32
  That's not okay. Right. So so, Right. Yes.
• 45:36
  and I'll tell you a very, very, very powerful story in a minute.
• 45:40
  So he said, What'd you learn? And she said, I learned that lying feels sleazy.
• 45:44
  And he said, Was it worth it? She said, No, because it really could hurt our relationship.
• 45:49
  We taught her, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
• 45:51
  So he said, Great. That is so you're gonna lie again?
• 45:54
  She said, No. He said, Great, let's go see the Matrix.
• 45:57
  That was it. She was giv That's great. That's it. And how did your how did your kids turn out?
• 46:02
  You have grown kids. Are they amazing?
• 46:04
  ~ my God. So gonna tell you one thing.
• 46:07
  I'll tell you one thing about my girls.
• 46:08
  So I I wanna give you this if there are is your audience a lot of parents?
• 46:14
  think parents with probably I mean, I'm gonna say parents with older kids, maybe high school and grown.
• 46:19
  High school. Okay. So my daughter walks in.
• 46:22
  We just moved from Connecticut to California.
• 46:24
  She's 14 years old. She walks in the house.
• 46:27
  You could see something happen.
• 46:28
  She said something. My husband said something.
• 46:30
  She said something. He said something.
• 46:32
  She goes, my God, you're being such a dick.
• 46:34
  And I just went, like, are you kidding?
• 46:37
  Him? Him? She walks to her room.
• 46:40
  She slams the door. He looks at me, he says, Shell. It's a word.
• 46:43
  He goes to the door, he says, I hear a teenager who loves her father and is not in touch with it at this moment.
• 46:50
  Aww Wow She throw, she throws her shoe at the door.
• 46:53
  She comes out, she goes, my God, Daddy, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I talked to you that way.
• 46:58
  I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you.
• 46:59
  I'm so sorry. He goes, It's okay.
• 47:01
  She said, I had the worst day in my life.
• 47:03
  He said, I figured. For you to say that to me, I figured. From that day to the day he died, they never had another fight. She said to me, Wow, ~ my god.
• 47:13
  in that moment, mom, I knew there was nothing I could do that would have him not love me.
• 47:17
  I wanna make sure my audience gets the getting rid of the the limiting beliefs.
• 47:22
  Can you just walk us fast through the steps again, just to reiterate?
• 47:25
  Yes. And here's the thing. If you go to my Instagram and you can go to at Shelly Lefco yeah, tell us.
• 47:32
  and just write Lauren27, I will send you an a link to eliminate a belief for free.
• 47:42
  Okay. A hundred percent. Just go do it.
• 47:45
  You'll get three beliefs, one of which you will have.
• 47:48
  And ~ Okay, so go to your Instagram.
• 47:52
  I'll put this in the show notes.
• 47:53
  Shelly at Shelley Lefco put in the put in the comments.
• 47:53
  Right.
• 47:56
  Lauren twenty seven Warren 27.
• 48:00
  And ~ and I'll send you a link, but here are the steps.
• 48:03
  Okay.
• 48:04
  You're gonna start with what do wanna change?
• 48:06
  Then you have to find the belief.
• 48:08
  But here's how you eliminate a belief.
• 48:09
  Where did the belief come from?
• 48:12
  What's the source?
• 48:13
  So what happened, right? What's another interpretation of the same events other than what you concluded?
• 48:22
  Okay. If there are other interpretations, is what you said, the truth, or one interpretation?
• 48:30
  It's one interpretation. But doesn't it seem like you saw that?
• 48:35
  It does. Did you ever see?
• 48:38
  That belief in the world. And remember, anything you can see has a color, shape, and location.
• 48:45
  We didn't say that before.
• 48:46
  cannot see beliefs. I didn't say that.
• 48:48
  Very important. Look around you.
• 48:49
  No, that's important. I knew we were missing something.
• 48:50
  Look around you. Anything you can see in your room, I knew there was a missing link.
• 48:56
  wherever you are, has a color, shape, and location. Anything.
• 48:59
  And if anybody thinks that's not true, I promise it is. You can't see your dreams, you can't see air, you can't whatever, right? So anything you could see has a color, shape, and location.
• 49:11
  Did you ever see the belief? And then the next question is, what did you see? And the answer is always I saw, you can't see people. People is seven billion.
• 49:24
  Because everybody says I saw people.
• 49:26
  No, you didn't. You saw your mother or your father or your teacher or kids bullying you. You saw events.
• 49:35
  That's all you see. Events.
• 49:38
  Yeah?
• 49:39
  Where was your belief in your mind?
• 49:42
  I made it up.
• 49:42
  What does it really mean? Sorry.
• 49:45
  Doesn't it seem like the events made you feel your belief?
• 49:49
  Events that have no meaning cannot make you feel anything.
• 49:52
  So what did the meaning you gave the events?
• 49:56
  Then you close your eyes and you imagine giving the same events different meaning.
• 50:00
  Imagine thinking, my parents are dysfunctional, had nothing to do with me. If I had said that as a kid, I would have never felt.
• 50:06
  Not good enough.
• 50:07
  And then I take them into the creator space, which is magical.
• 50:12
  That's okay. Yes. We were I knew we were missing some little nugget there and it was that you you couldn't see that.
• 50:19
  Okay. Thank you, Shelly. You are you are magical.
• 50:23
  I just adore you.
• 50:24
  I am so happy to be here, Lauren.
• 50:27
  I mean, I saw some of the guests you've had and very impressive.
• 50:31
  And everybody listening, if you love Lauren like I do, you should give her a five star review on Apple Podcasts because it really makes a difference. ~ and we want to get her wonderful podcast out into the world.
• 50:46
  So I'm gonna go do that.
• 50:46
  Thank you, Shelly.
• 50:50
  What?