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Transcript

16: The Transitions We Never Planned For · Still Caring

0:03
Abby Fox (Intro): Welcome to the Still Caring Podcast,
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presented by Stillwater Medical.
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Joe Akin (Intro): Here, community is at the heart of healthcare.
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Katon Lunsford (Intro): Through honest conversations and shared experiences
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Abby Fox (Intro): we explore what it means to care for our health—
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Joe Akin (Intro): and each other.
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Katon Lunsford (Intro): Because better health takes a village
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and you're part of ours.
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Joe Akin (Host): Welcome to Still Caring, where we believe that some
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of life's most important health conversations should be around the
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kitchen table, not behind closed doors.
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Today, we're going to discuss something that all of us have been
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through many, many times, and we're going to go through many more as
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life goes on, and that's transitions.
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Whether your transition is going to school the first time when you're a
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little kid, going to college the first day, the first time you're leaving home,
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getting married, getting a divorce, your first career and your second career.
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What about if you're retiring or potentially you've become
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a caregiver for a loved one?
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It doesn't matter what the transition is.
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Change is inevitable.
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How you deal with that change can have a massive impact on your quality of life,
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on your emotional and mental well-being.
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Today, we're joined by Dr.
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Linda Burks.
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She's a clinical psychologist with more than forty years of experience,
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and she has also written a book that we're going to discuss today,
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and it's Navigating Transitions: Embracing Change and Finding Purpose.
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Dr.
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Burks, welcome to Still Caring.
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Host: Well, thank you for having me.
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It's my pleasure to be here.
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I'd love to start with your story.
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So, after 40 years, more than 40 years of helping people, what made you decide that
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now was the right time to write this book?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Well, Joe, I'd always wanted to write a book, and I
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felt like, , not only in my personal life but professionally, there are
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changes that we go through, as you said, that are just part of life.
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Life is all about endings and beginnings.
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Nothing ever stays the same.
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Everything that comes into being will change.
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And my very first transition occurred when I was in my mid-20s,
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when I went through a divorce.
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I had two young children.
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I only had a few college courses.
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And I didn't have a clue of how I was going to raise these children
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by myself as a single parent.
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So, I became clinically depressed, and my primary care physician
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referred me to a psychologist.
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So, I went to see Dr.
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Julia McHale, who was a psychologist here in Stillwater.
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Many people may remember her even.
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And she literally changed the trajectory of my life.
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The day that I went to see her, I remember her asking me, and I'm sure she was not
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the first person, but probably the most important person I remember asking,
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what is it that I want in my life?
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I'd always focused on everybody else, taking care of everybody else,
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and what's everybody else want to do, and pleasing others, and all
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those things that we typically do.
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And so, to begin to think in terms of not only was it okay to think
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about myself and what was going to make my life happy and my children's,
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but also to think that there can be changes after a devastating ending.
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And so, literally, the trajectory of my life changed seeing her, because I decided
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then I wanted to become a psychologist so that I could be a part of changing others'
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lives that were going through significant changes that we all experience.
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As you just went through, many of them are universal things
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that occur in all of our lives.
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And I don't ever recall anyone ever calling my office
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when life was going great.
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Typically, people come to therapy when there's been some kind
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of a crisis, or they're going through some kind of life change.
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And so, the book is all about that.
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Not only how we navigate these transitions that we have in our lives,
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but the things that we learn about ourselves that will help us when the
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next transition occurs, because it will.
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So, this transitional wisdom, I think, that we gain from these
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things that happen to us that we never thought maybe would happen.
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They're not part of our life plan.
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And certainly, when they happen, many times it feels like our life has just
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turned completely upside down, and we don't have a clue where we're going
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or what the future's going to be like.
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So, the book is all about that.
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And after retirement in 2014, I thought about writing the book and
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had done some work on it already.
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But when the pandemic hit and I was sheltering at home like
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everybody else was, I decided that was the perfect time to start
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really in earnest writing the book.
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So, five years later, I was very excited when the book was finally ready to
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be published, and that was a whole different journey that I'd never been on.
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Never written a book before, didn't know how to publish.
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And so, another big learning curve for me.
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But I feel like during the pandemic I realized that we were not only
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going through the pandemic, but I felt like we were having a monumental
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global transition almost, that the whole world in some ways was changing
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and maybe never be the same again.
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We were all just struggling to figure out how to get through it.
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And what do we need to do, not only to stay alive, but to learn things maybe
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about how life might be different for us.
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And so, when my book came out last year, again, it was a time I felt like
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our nation and maybe even the world is still in a lot of chaos and confusion.
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We don't know sometimes about the future, what's that going to be like?
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So for me, I feel like the book was primarily written for individuals
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and the individual kinds of transitions that we go through.
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But I think it's applicable also for larger groups, larger populations,
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I would say, or communal kinds of transitions that we all experience.
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So, I'm finding that the book is just used in ways that I probably never
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would have dreamed when I was writing it, and I'm very excited about it
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Host: When I was reading it, the more I read, the more excited I became about it
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because I realized that so many things in my life are, you know, are right here.
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And it's really helped me in walking through a few of those things in my mind.
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Now, in your book, it's based on the idea that transitions are
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unavoidable, which I totally agree with.
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Why do even positive changes create so much stress for us?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Well, I think that's a really good question, because sometimes
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we think it's just the bad things that happen to us that causes stress.
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But all of the good things that happen to us in our life require us to
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begin to think of life in a different way at this new stage in my life.
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And you mentioned things like graduation.
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So, a young person has to begin to think in terms of becoming independent, and
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how do I make a way in life, in the workplace, and relationships, and all
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the things that are new to a young adult.
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That's a huge transition.
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When you get married, that's another big transition.
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Because not only do you have to incorporate another person into your
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life that has a whole different way maybe of viewing relationships, and
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values, and how you are in relationship with another person, and you have a
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whole new family you have to think about that may also have very different
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viewpoints about how to be married, and what are the roles and responsibilities.
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And when you have a baby, my gosh, your life is never the
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same after you have a baby.
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So, all these joyful events that happen in our life require
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us to rethink, "Who am I now?
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And what are my roles and responsibilities?
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How do I adapt?
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How do I renegotiate relationships perhaps that used to be this
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way and now it's this way?
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These positive and joyful events also create for us times when
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we have to rethink our lives.
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Host: So in those positive situations, do you think it's the uncertainty
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or do you think it's just the change itself that creates the stress?
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Linda Burks, PhD: I think probably it's a combination.
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I think none of us can anticipate the future.
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So even though, you know, we're really happy when we meet someone and fall in
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love, and we think life is just going to be great, and this happily ever
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after kind of illusion that we all have, after you get married, you know,
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the reality of that is that life is sometimes not always as we had thought.
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So, the change as well as the uncertainties that we don't know
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what the future's going to be like.
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Host: From your experience, what are some of the biggest transitions that
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people really struggle with navigating?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Well, because transitions in my viewpoint are
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all about endings and beginnings.
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So when we talk about an ending, we're talking about a loss.
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So, the significance of the loss, I think, has to play a part in
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the magnitude of that event.
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So, things like divorce, the loss of a marriage, and certainly the death
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of a significant person in your life.
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Other kinds of losses, even retirement.
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Having to ask ourself, "Who am I now that I'm not a working person?"
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If a lot of your identity was about your work, then we have
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to ask that same question.
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And certainly, I think if you get diagnosed with any kind of
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a life-changing illness or event happens physically, medically, that's
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a significant kind of adjustment.
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So, there's life before the cancer and life after the cancer.
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There's life as it was before my husband died and after my husband died.
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So, those, to me, are the really significant kind of what I sometimes
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call traumatic losses, especially if they're sudden losses with a car
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accident, let's say, or a shooting or something that's very unexpected.
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Those kinds of losses typically are the ones that, really, you feel like
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the whole rug's been taken out from under you and you don't know what's
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happening or what's going to go on.
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So, those are significant ones.
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Host: Right.
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So in our podcast, with Still Caring, one of the things that we're
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really trying to do is normalize conversations around mental health,
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because really what we're talking about is mental and emotional health.
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You know, you can put them together.
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One goes with the other.
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How do you know when we're experiencing a normal response to change and when
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it's time to seek out professional help?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Okay, that's another really good question.
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Thanks for asking that.
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Because, again, endings are all about loss, so there's
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going to be a lot of grieving.
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So, sadness, mood changes so that you experience a sad mood.
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Also, just daily events.
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If there's been a loss, let's say, of a family member, adjusting to that loss of
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that person in your life all the time.
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So, your daily functioning sometimes changes.
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And most people that go through a transition will have the signs of grief.
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So, there'll be sadness, sometimes shock even in the beginning, and denial.
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Those are normal kinds of feelings to have when you're going through any
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kind of a loss and experiencing grief.
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If the symptoms begin to prolong so that they are affecting your daily
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functioning, so that it makes it harder for you to get through your normal daily
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activities, going to work, just performing daily chores around the house even.
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When you begin to notice changes in your sleeping habits, either not
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being able to sleep, go to sleep, or waking up in the middle of the
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night and can't go back to sleep, or sleeping all the time, having trouble
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getting out of bed and just wanting to be in bed and sleep all the time.
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Or changes in your eating habits so that you might lose a lot of weight because of
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loss of appetite, or you might eat a lot in order to comfort yourself with food.
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So, weight gain and weight loss.
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Concentration and attention, being able to focus on things that you need
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to, even, you know, concentrating to read the paper or watch television.
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Memory sometimes gets affected, so all your cognitive abilities.
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When the symptoms reach that point, when it's affecting your daily functioning and
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all these kind of normal ways that we cope with sleeping and eating and being able
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to cognitively function, and certainly if you have any thoughts of wanting to harm
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yourself or not wanting to be alive, those are times that you seek professional help.
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Host: And I love the subtitle of your book, the finding the purpose part.
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How can one of life's hardest seasons actually become
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one of its most meaningful?
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How is that possible?
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How does that work?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Well, I think it works because I feel like transitions
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are sometimes our best teachers.
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They take us to a place maybe we've never had to go before.
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And so, we learn things about ourselves that maybe would not have been
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possible if we had not had the kind of crisis that we're dealing with.
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So, those are transitional wisdom that I think that we gain
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from going through transitions.
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And, as for myself, that's how I found my purpose.
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Host: So, you talked about purpose.
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Now, your purpose ended up being pretty grand.
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I mean, going and becoming a psychologist, helping these peopleall this time.
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But for most people, or I should say many people, purpose doesn't have to be
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huge and grandiose like that, does it?
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Linda Burks, PhD: No, it does not have to be at all.
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In fact, I think anyone can have in their life a sense of what makes life
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meaningful for them when they know the things that make them happy or make them
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feel that their life is being purposeful.
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So, it could be small acts of kindness, you know, where you have a talent for
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something, let's say like cooking.
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So, somebody that you know that you care about has surgery or is
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going through cancer treatment or something, you can take them meals.
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And, you know, you can take people for their visits to their doctor if
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they're not able to drive themself, or just calling people or texting
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people and letting them know that you're thinking about them.
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So, small acts of kindness, I think, are purposeful.
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All those things.
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You know, being a volunteer at the food bank or the hospital
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in delivering Meals on Wheels.
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All those things are a way that you can find meaning and purpose in
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your life that are not grandiose.
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All of us can do those things.
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Host: Right.
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I think most all of us unfortunately know someone who's going
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through a difficult transition.
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What do you think is the best thing that we can do for them?
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And I know their transition, you know, there are all sorts
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of transitions going on.
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But what do you think we could do to help them?
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And along the same lines, and maybe even more importantly, what are some things
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that we should not do or say to someone that's going through a difficult time?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Okay.
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That's a good question.
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I think, when you have been through tough times yourself, it allows you
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to be more compassionate and empathic.
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And I think it's real common for people not to know sometimes, you know, what to
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say or what to do when someone's going through a difficult time in their life.
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But all the platitudes sometimes that people say or we hear, you know,
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those are probably not real helpful.
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But they're ways that we use as a way of, "I don't know what to say or do
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here, so I'll just say, ' Geez, I hope you get through this,'" Or, you know,
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things like, "The good die young," or all these things that, you know, really
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probably are more hurtful than helpful.
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But it's just simple acts of kindness and compassion.
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And I think when you've been through some tough times, you understand
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that it is important to speak up.
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Ask that person, "How are you doing?
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Is there anything that I could do to help?"
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or "I'm here for you if you need me."
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Our community, I'm very proud of Stillwater, and I'll share this with you.
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Stillwater's a very caring community.
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And Oklahoma, I feel like is also.
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When the Oklahoma City bombing occurred, that was a time that I felt,
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for myself, I learned more during that traumatic event about what it's
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like to be in the presence of someone that has truly experienced a trauma.
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And from that, as we all know, the Oklahoma Standard was the result where
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we, you know, became the standard of how you treat one another when there
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are those kind of monumental events.
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And I participated in doing some of the death notifications after the bombing.
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And for me, that was life-changing to be a part of that.
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And then, Stillwater, you know, we had the OSU Homecoming event
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where Stillwater Medical played a huge part in that communal kind
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of event that we all experienced.
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And we got the name of Stillwater Strong, which I feel like is
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not just, you know, a nickname.
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It's who we are.
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And, you know, last year, we experienced the wildfires, and again, our community
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came together and helped one another and cared for one another during that time.
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And it's those kinds of things that we can do.
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We can just be there for one another, not only if it's a personal crisis that
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someone's going through or if it's one, you know, that all of us are experiencing.
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So, just little small acts of kindness, our purpose.
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Host: Right.
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So, I've heard a lot of people say, and I've said this many times myself, that
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I just want life to get back to normal.
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But the reality is that many times there is no back to normal, is there?
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Linda Burks, PhD: No.
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Host: So, how do we learn to embrace the new normal without losing hope?
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Linda Burks, PhD: Well, and indeed, when there is an ending, like I
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said, there was life before the cancer and there's life after.
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And those are the things that nothing will go back to be the old normal
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after a major change like that.
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And so, I think when you have been through transitions, as we all go
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through, even just the universal ones of graduating, getting married, and
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having children, retirement, all those kinds of things that we experience
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that are difficult, but we make it through it pretty good most of the time.
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So if there is, you know, other events that happen that are more monumental,
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we have already been through some things that hopefully we have learned
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some skills of how you get through it.
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And that can give you hope.
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I have been through some tough times before, and these are the things that I
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did that helped me and that I learned.
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And so, I know some things I can do, even though this one now is even bigger
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than maybe some of them in the past.
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But I've learned some things that I can do that I know I can help myself,
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and that I can get through this.
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So, transitional wisdom is what I call things that we gain, like
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courage and resilience, and a sense of confidence in yourself,
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maybe that you'd never had before.
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So, those are things that we learn that can give us hope.
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Because I've been through some tough times, and these are the things that
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I know about myself, and I know what I can do to take care of myself.
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And so, you can have hope that things will be different.
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That's not going to go back to the way it was.
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There'll be a new normal, and that's kind of what the book is about, too, is
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I guess I call it kind of this middle place sometimes of where we have to do
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the hard work of sorting through, you know, what is it I need to let go of?
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What are the things that maybe have not been so helpful
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in the past and what are
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Linda Burks, PhD: the things in the future that I've learned that
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maybe I can do differently, or that I have a vision for myself that
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will be a new beginning for me?
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And so, the book has all these skills in it that I would talk about with my
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clients so that everything that's in the book are things that are skills
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that people can learn to help themself, that will be things that are part of who
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they are then, so that they know these are the things that I have learned.
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These are tools that I have, or ways of coping that I've learned so
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that I know I can get through this.
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And it gives you then a sense of hope.
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Host: Right.
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So, there's so much information and knowledge in this book.
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So if someone read your book and there was only one thing that they
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could take away, what is that one thing that you would have them keep?
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Linda Burks, PhD: One of the big things is to just normalize
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transitions, that this is part of life.
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Everything in life is about endings and beginnings.
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And so, when these things happen to us, they don't become so big and scary
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for us that it just immobilizes us.
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And that you can learn ways to help yourself.
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And so, one of the things that I really hope people take from the
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book are things that they can do to take care of themself, because
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taking care of yourself is critical.
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And learning how to get through them, how to help yourself and take care of
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yourself, the things that you learn about yourself that are gifts of wisdom that
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are going to be there, those are precious.
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And the appreciation then that you have for life, I think, changes also.
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Host: So Dr.
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Burks, in your 40-plus year career, you have helped people through some
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of the most tragic events imaginable.
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So, what is something that they've taught you about living well?
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Because I'm sure you've picked up things from them along the way.
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Linda Burks, PhD: Absolutely.
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Yeah, I think my clients were my best teachers.
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As they have taught me how resilient, I guess, that human beings can be.
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That we are capable of changing.
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But what I learned is that we are capable of change, and that we are very resilient.
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When you personally have been through your own difficult times, it gives
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you that sense of resilience also.
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And, you know, everybody's life is going to be different, and they
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have their own unique experiences and their own events that sometimes,
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you know, we all wonder, "How in the heck did they ever get through that?
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I don't know if I could, but it's amazing," you know?
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So, I have always just been amazed by the courage and the resilience that is part of
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being human, especially when you feel that your life is meaningful and has purpose.
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And I know that to be true.
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People that probably are the most suicidal ones are ones that don't have a sense
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of purpose and meaning in their life.
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When life becomes hopeless, they are the most suicidal.
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If there is a way for them to see their life as being meaningful and
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having purpose, it can give them a sense of, "I can get through this then,
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because my life is important, and I have a way that I can find purpose."
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I talk in my book about The Blue Zones, which is a book that was written by Dan
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Buettner about people that live to be 100.
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And one of the things that people that live to be into their
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hundreds and plus years is that they have a sense of purpose.
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And that is simple things, like, you know, setting the table for the family,
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or holding their great-grandchild, or taking care of the sheep still, whatever.
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Host: Yeah, I was going say feeding the dogs, feeding the cats.
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Linda Burks, PhD: They still have purpose and meaning even at that age.
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And that's what keeps people alive.
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Host: Yeah.
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Well, Dr.
29:02
Burks, before we wrap up, every guest on Still Caring is asked
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to provide a challenge to care for our listening audience.
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And it doesn't have to be complicated.
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It could be a small thing.
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But it's just one of those things that we ask that you say, "Here is something
29:27
that I challenge the listening audience to do to either help themselves or
29:32
help someone that they care for."
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And with that in mind, what would your challenge to care be for people?
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Linda Burks, PhD: My challenge to care would be primarily
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to take care of yourself.
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Be compassionate toward yourself.
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If you are in the midst of some kind of a crisis or a major life transition,
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you need to take care of yourself and see your life as important.
30:02
And be sure that you take care of, you know, other people also.
30:07
If you know someone that's going through a tough time, then take some
30:11
time and ask them, you know, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
30:16
But being compassionate toward yourself and compassionate toward
30:20
other people, I think that's the best lesson that we could learn.
30:25
Host: And, you know, I think sometimes it's easier for people
30:29
to be compassionate towards others potentially than towards themselves.
30:35
So, I very much appreciate that because I've seen people that they're so tough
30:40
on themselves and I always think to myself, "Just cut yourself some slack.
30:47
Give yourself a break."
30:49
And, you know, it's not all on you.
30:52
There are others around you.
30:53
Linda Burks, PhD: That's right.
30:54
Host: Okay.
30:56
Before we let you go, want to real quick talk about the book itself.
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So if someone wants to continue to learn more about your thoughts, ideas, and
31:06
your experiences and, you know, get your guidance, where can they get your book?
31:13
And what do you hope they'll take away from it?
31:17
Linda Burks, PhD: Well, my book's available for sale on
31:20
Amazon or through the publisher.
31:24
Emerald Lake Books is the publisher.
31:27
You can also get it at your local bookstore.
31:30
So if you have a bookstore that you, you know, want to get a book, just order
31:36
it from Amazon or from the bookstore.
31:39
I have copies, and I'm glad to be available to talk about my book.
31:48
If there are groups or if there are organizations that I might want, you
31:53
know, to be a speaker and bring my books, I'd just be thrilled to do that.
32:00
Host: Okay.
32:00
Well, that sounds great.
32:01
Well, Dr.
32:02
Burks, thank you so much for taking the time.
32:05
Thank you so much for writing the book.
32:07
Really enjoying it.
32:08
I've talked to you before.
32:09
We are going through some transitions of our own, and
32:12
this is really helping me out.
32:15
And thanks for reminding us that we're constantly going to be going through
32:20
transitions, and I think the big part is that we don't have to do it alone.
32:25
There's always people around us.
32:27
Find your people and let them help you through it.
32:31
And thank you for helping us continue the mission of Still Caring, and
32:36
that is taking these sometimes difficult conversations about mental
32:41
health, physical health, emotional wellbeing, and making it something
32:45
acceptable to have, you know, a discussion around the table for coffee.
32:51
Talk about it with your friends.
32:52
That's what we're trying to do.
32:54
That's where we think we can help the most.
32:57
Make these discussions something that we can have in public,
33:00
not behind closed doors.
33:03
I want to thank everyone for joining us.
33:04
Thanks for taking the time to listen to us.
33:07
And until we talk again, please take care of yourself and
33:09
take care of those around you.