Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why To Work Out With Your Partner

Transcript

Why To Work Out With Your Partner · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the doctors psych mom show.
• 0:09
  I just recorded my last episode was a bonus episode so please
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  subscribe to hear that one. It's about if there's a way to
• 0:19
  health healthily healthfully whatever express your needs
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• 0:27
  think about that and also subscribe for all the other
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• 0:35
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• 0:39
  won't get those. If you don't subscribe.
• 0:42
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• 0:46
  dads starting over guys who just found my page in my podcast
• 0:50
  because Ralph from Dad starting over shared me.
• 0:53
  And I did a podcast with him so that was nice of him.
• 0:57
  I'm doing a zoom event with him in May so I link to that in my
• 1:00
  description. So please sign up for that and
• 1:02
  you can ask me and Ralph any Questions from the male and
• 1:06
  female perspectives. I'm a therapist, obviously,
• 1:09
  Ralph is a coach for a lot of divorced guys, and that will be
• 1:12
  pretty interesting. Our topic is whether monogamy
• 1:15
  Works how to make it work, can it work?
• 1:19
  Etc. All right, so now let's get the
• 1:22
  topic for today. Which is why to work out with
• 1:25
  your partner. So frequently I have couples in
• 1:28
  counseling and one of them is really into working out the
• 1:33
  other ones, not and the one that Into working out wishes that the
• 1:36
  other one would work out with them.
• 1:39
  So, this is not my usual where foot goes 60/40 on an issue,
• 1:43
  with gender. I'll usually use that gender.
• 1:46
  You know, men usually want sex more than women even though some
• 1:51
  women want sex more than men. So then I'll usually talk about
• 1:53
  how much men, you know, have a physical touch love language but
• 1:57
  in this case is really equal from what I see, there are many
• 2:02
  women that get into exercising and the man is a couch potato.
• 2:05
  And you know, vice versa and the only difference is really time
• 2:12
  of life. So when a guy I'm just going to
• 2:15
  say this out, right? If your wife just had a baby and
• 2:18
  you're expecting her to get up and work out, just get up and
• 2:20
  leave, like, just go to the gym yourself, really not for very
• 2:25
  long either because she has a new baby.
• 2:27
  So, I had some guy once who was like, ah, my wife still
• 2:30
  breastfeeding and she's still overweight like yeah.
• 2:34
  Okay. Cool.
• 2:35
  She is like that, that's gonna happen.
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  I did not exercise until I had my last baby because there was
• 2:42
  no point, like, it was just gonna go to shit anyway.
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  Like I had three kids under three and a half so one of them
• 2:48
  was born in 2010 and the last one was born in 2013 and I did
• 2:52
  not exercise from 2009 to 2013 because it seems good until
• 2:58
  you're pregnant like everybody I mean there's some women that
• 3:00
  work out their whole pregnancy. That's cool.
• 3:02
  Awesome. Good for you better.
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  Person than me but you know you feel sick and then you feel like
• 3:08
  shit and then you have a baby and then you're breastfeeding
• 3:11
  the baby. And, oh my God.
• 3:13
  So it's like very, it's a lot of stuff.
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  So until you think that you are, like done having babies, and you
• 3:19
  really want to get your body back and you have the time to do
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  so, you know, your wife may not be working out.
• 3:25
  So let's assume that you do not have a new baby in the house
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  because if you do and your wife is still breastfeeding a new
• 3:31
  baby then just like leave it alone, do not say anything.
• 3:35
  Out. It would be nice if she worked
• 3:36
  out with you because it would also be nice if she could sleep
• 3:39
  and eat at cetera without the baby on her boob or in her arms.
• 3:44
  But let's say that you have children.
• 3:47
  Even school school age by school age, nobody's had a baby for a
• 3:50
  long time. So let's say by then you're
• 3:53
  like, you know, what would be really nice if we worked out
• 3:55
  together and your spouse is like, no, well I will help you
• 3:59
  understand why they say no. And also, possibly in Crete,
• 4:04
  I'll increase your empathy for Or why they say no, but also
• 4:06
  maybe increase their empathy for why you want them to and why
• 4:08
  that might be nice. So and if people are like, how
• 4:11
  the hell would you even do that? Well, like all gyms have
• 4:14
  childcare now. It's like a rule like it's like
• 4:17
  how the bathrooms need to have diaper changes.
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  It seems to me like most gyms need to have some kind of child
• 4:22
  care if they don't perhaps you could join one that does.
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  There's also these baby strollers with, you know for two
• 4:28
  kids that I used to have the jogging strollers.
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  There's lots of ways to skin that skin that cat.
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  That's It is you don't skin a horse if you want to exercise
• 4:39
  together, even with small kids. So why would people want this?
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  Well, first of all, if you're really into something, you want
• 4:46
  your spouse to share it, I mean, plain and simple.
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  If you really into like anything, whether it's reading
• 4:54
  or listening to my podcast, God knows how many people, like all
• 4:58
  of you guys are, like, trying to share this with your spouse
• 5:00
  because I tell you to, so, that's great.
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  So many people have told me. They listen to it together.
• 5:05
  Their spouse. That's super great.
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  That's really, really good because it's cheaper than
• 5:10
  couples counseling. And if you know you if you
• 5:14
  listen to something like this together and actually talk about
• 5:17
  it intentionally, that is going to be so preventative of
• 5:23
  conflicts about certain issues. Literally, it's like the same as
• 5:28
  counseling. You can make it the same as
• 5:30
  counseling if you're both very committed.
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  Now if there's a lot of water under the bridge, a lot of
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  problems going on. I'm not Anyway, this is a
• 5:35
  replacement for couples counseling.
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  What I'm saying is if you're not going to do a couples counseling
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  or if you're not in a bad enough place to require it or even if
• 5:44
  you're in a good place, talking about things like my podcast,
• 5:47
  reading books, together, all their podcasts perish.
• 5:51
  The thought don't cheat on my podcast, but if you must, you
• 5:54
  know, subscribe first, then go to cheat, but yeah, it can
• 5:59
  really prevent conflict from metastasizing into some like
• 6:02
  horrible catastrophe. Ville, marital conflict.
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  So anyway, that was just a diversion, a tangent if you
• 6:11
  will. So anything people like to do,
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  they like to share with their spouse.
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  So if they really like to work out, they like to share it.
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  Even just for that go to fucking work out with them.
• 6:21
  Don't be, don't come from a place of know.
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  I say this all the time. Be open-minded.
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  I learned tennis like what was it like two years ago?
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  I am so unathletic. It's like I am the most
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  unathletic. Didn't I'm a person that if
• 6:36
  somebody throws the car keys at me like tosses them like in a
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  like, you know, casual way like how people toss things, I like
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  will frequently not even move my hand to get it because it's so
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  unlikely that I will actually get it.
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  And when I do, I look up, like, I just won the Nobel Prize.
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  I'm so proud of myself for doing something like that.
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  So I'm super unathletic but I learned how to play tennis with
• 6:59
  my husband because he really liked it.
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  Am I good? No.
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  Did I see? See that he was like that.
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  It was like kind of like playing with a child for him.
• 7:10
  Yes. He said he did things to make it
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  more interesting like he would practice like, hitting different
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  ways to me. One time he tried to hit with
• 7:20
  his other hand, but I think he thought that was too
• 7:22
  patronizing. So he went back to his dominant
• 7:24
  hand, but he like that, I did it.
• 7:27
  You know, and I think that was nice of me especially given that
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  I'm basically the least athletic person in the Old.
• 7:35
  And it's nice to show somebody that you like what they like.
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  So if your wife asks you to read a book, read the book, If she
• 7:42
  asks you to take ballroom dancing, take ballroom dancing,
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  and if your husband asks you to go to CrossFit, go to CrossFit,
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  because they're going to like that.
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  You did it doesn't matter if you're good.
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  Now, if you're like, my husband is such an asshole.
• 7:55
  If I'm not good at something, then he's like so impatient and
• 8:00
  he's like, basically going to, like, lay down and like act,
• 8:03
  like he's dying in the middle. Love the tennis court.
• 8:06
  If he tries to teach me tennis and I'm bad.
• 8:08
  Well, then tell him. You have to be nice to me and
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  then I'm willing to try your thing but you can't act like a
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  jerk. Those will like be real clear.
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  I want to do this thing that you want to show me, but I am scared
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  that, you will not be nice to me.
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  And I would like to be able to point out if you begin to not be
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  nice to me. Because that is something that
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  will stop me from doing this. And I want to try to do it.
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  So be really clear if historically these sorts of
• 8:32
  things have gone badly, be clear that you I wanted to do it and
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  that would be, what is stopping you?
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  And then sometimes the other person will really get
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  themselves in check, you know, cm is like if your wife gives
• 8:43
  you a relationship book. And last time you write a
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  relationship book, she asked you, what you thought.
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  She seemed incredibly disappointed with your response.
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  She has, if you even read the same book as her.
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  All right. So tell her listen.
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  I'm going to try to read your books but you can't be mean to
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  me. You can't tell me.
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  I'm getting everything wrong all the time.
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  Okay. Because I'm really trying here
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  and I'm willing to read the next book on your list.
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  But, you know, No, I am not going to be able to discuss this
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  at the level you want. Unless you kind of show me what
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  I'm supposed to do. So be really open with an
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  impatient spouse. That the reason that you don't
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  like to do the stuff they like, is because of the impatience or
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  the disappointment and then frequently they'll work on it,
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  you know, with the goal of if they're more patient than you do
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  the stuff that they like with you that they like with them.
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  So the first thing is just that your bonding over something that
• 9:32
  the other person likes the next thing is that It is a physical
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  thing. So if in any way like you, you
• 9:39
  know, need to work on your physical relationship, or even.
• 9:41
  If your physical relationship is great, it always amplifies it to
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  do something physical together, whether that's dancing or
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  whether that's going to the gym or whether that is, you know,
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  massaging each other, or whatever.
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  Anything that reminds you, and your partner that you have a
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  physical body is, can be sexy, you know, and your partner could
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  look cute in their workout outfit and you could feel cute
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  and your workout outfit. And you know, if you, if they
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  think you look cute in your workout outfit, then that is a
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  aphrodisiac for later on as well.
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  Now, why on the other hand would women in particular, not want to
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  do this or or men really, honestly if they feel super out
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  of shape compared to you, then they're embarrassed, you know?
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  So then in this case like be really understanding like if
• 10:28
  your husband's 50 pounds overweight and you're like a gym
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  bunny, do you think that he wants people to be like?
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  Whoa. Is why she with him.
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  I mean nobody gives a shit in actuality obviously, but that is
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  what he might fear that people would think if he walks with you
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  and to, you know, the gym that people would think oh, who's
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  that? Like incredibly out of shape man
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  with his hot wife. So have some sort of empathy for
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  why your spouse would feel like they don't want to do this and
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  the extra loving and affirming and supportive.
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  If they go outside their comfort zone and put on the gym clothes
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  and come with you, right? Okay, what else?
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  Well, if you do something new together, you're learning a new
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  skill and that is that's a bonding sort of thing anything
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  with novelty. That's why you're like, early
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  honeymoon. Stage relationship was so fun.
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  Everything was new. It's kind of hard to find
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  something new and you've been together for many years.
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  So if you do something new together, or even something
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  that's new to one of you, because then the other one, it's
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  new to them to teach you. So you are doing a new thing.
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  If like, your husband teaches you tennis, or your wife takes
• 11:34
  you, Ben class or whatever else. Okay.
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  Why else would this be fun? And a good thing for the
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  relationship? Well, because if you have kids,
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  then you're setting a good example of healthy Behavior.
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  We are a family that exercises look at Mom and Dad exercise.
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  Women may get really into this just because of this Factor
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  alone. You know, if you grew up in a
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  house where people's exercise was bringing snacks to the couch
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  to watch TV, then you're going to want.
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  Want to model, something else for your children.
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  And if you feel good about yourself as a parent for doing
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  that, then that can make you feel good about your spouse who
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  encouraged it in the first place.
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  Good. About yourself as a couple and
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  as parents and just good in general about your family and
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  your you know like being a role model.
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  So that's look another one in men, frequently minimize that
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  one and how it may appeal to the wife, if it's framed to her in
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  that way. Also and I bet you didn't think
• 12:34
  I was going to get to this by this point, but you end up
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  looking better. I'm not an idiot just because
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  I'm a therapist. Not like, I don't like no The
• 12:43
  Superficial motives that people have and it's not superficial
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  either of you married, somebody, they weighed 110 pounds.
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  Now they weigh 180 pounds, is it the same person of course, is
• 12:52
  the same person in their core but are you not going to be
• 12:55
  thrilled? Of course, you're a human being.
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  You're not going to be thrilled. Guess about, they're not
• 12:59
  thrilled either that that happened by the way, and they
• 13:01
  probably feel terrible about it. But sir, Certainly a warm
• 13:06
  encouraging working out together frame can be useful if your
• 13:11
  partner has put on a lot of weight and you don't like it.
• 13:14
  Like that is something that, you know, is real that happens and I
• 13:18
  talked frequently about the importance of Attraction and
• 13:21
  it's real and as I write in my non-pc article things that I
• 13:27
  couples counselors know about things that aren't PC.
• 13:30
  Whatever. I'm butchering this headline,
• 13:32
  it's good a headline. I'll link you to it.
• 13:35
  But women are frequently much more superficial.
• 13:38
  If that's what we're going to call it, then men, they'll come
• 13:40
  in an outright say he's overweight, he has sleep apnea,
• 13:45
  because of it, he never works out.
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  He used to play football, and now he does nothing.
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  And it's not attractive though, just say it outright, I mean,
• 13:52
  maybe if I was like a guy, then guys would say it outright to
• 13:54
  me, but they don't say it outright they'll like really
• 13:57
  pussyfoot around it, you know? And they'll be like, oh, she
• 14:00
  just not healthy. I just don't like that.
• 14:01
  She's not healthy. You also like she's overweight.
• 14:03
  So let's be real. But, but women come right out
• 14:07
  and say it. So, yeah, nobody likes when the
• 14:10
  partner games that much weight, you know, and frequently, it
• 14:14
  looks a lot different obviously, if you're working out and you're
• 14:18
  overweight they looks your body. Composition of a person that has
• 14:22
  some musculature is different than somebody who doesn't.
• 14:25
  So the men that I work with that are not attracted to wives
• 14:29
  anymore who have gained weight, they frequently do say this like
• 14:33
  it's not just the weight gain. They're like, you know, because
• 14:36
  there was a time at which she didn't weigh much less, but she
• 14:39
  worked out all the time. That was different.
• 14:40
  Look, different. And women say that sort of thing
• 14:42
  about men to, you know, because remember the guy who played
• 14:45
  football is, never a small guy, but he looked a lot different
• 14:48
  when he was playing football, and it's not just because it was
• 14:50
  10 years ago. So, anyhow going to the gym can
• 14:53
  make you realize that you are. If you stick to it, going to
• 14:57
  feel and look better and that, and that is appealing to the
• 15:00
  spouse as well, and to yourself can boost your own.
• 15:05
  Self-esteem, which then in my last reason, makes you feel
• 15:09
  better about yourself that you are working on yourself.
• 15:12
  You're getting healthy. Oh, it's not my last reason I
• 15:15
  thought of another one. But yeah, that one's important,
• 15:17
  your self-esteem. But also the working out
• 15:19
  together. Working out releases dopamine
• 15:21
  and I can really help with depression and like, basically,
• 15:24
  every woman I talked to his struggle with depression.
• 15:27
  I know it's my job but I'm talking about anecdotally as
• 15:29
  well, all of us do. Okay.
• 15:32
  So I mean, most of us, so, If you're a woman who's ever
• 15:36
  struggle with depression, then exercise regular exercise can
• 15:39
  really help especially if you stick to a routine and you
• 15:43
  really kind of use it as medication in a way to work, on
• 15:46
  your mood and clear, your head every day or most days out of
• 15:50
  the week. There's research that shows that
• 15:52
  it can be equivalent in some ways to antidepressants so that
• 15:56
  can in and of itself. Even if that was the only one
• 15:59
  that can make your marriage better, because your moves
• 16:01
  better, your marriage is better, right?
• 16:03
  So those are all the And to work out with your partner and try
• 16:08
  it. Why don't you try it?
• 16:10
  That would be a super good homework assignment out of all
• 16:12
  the homework assignments of reading a book and whatever,
• 16:14
  whatever. Why don't you try this one?
• 16:16
  And if you really want bonus credit then go and do something
• 16:20
  new, have your partner, teach you something new, a new way to
• 16:23
  work out new activity, or you teach them a new activity.
• 16:27
  That is in the realm of working out.
• 16:29
  Now, if neither of you likes to work out, then a I applaud you
• 16:33
  for listening to this podcast. As for so long because that's
• 16:35
  all it was about. But then that's cool.
• 16:37
  Then you're like on the same page good.
• 16:40
  But if one of you does when you does it and the one who does is
• 16:43
  always exhorting, the one who doesn't to try it, then you're
• 16:46
  in the situation that you could really make some Headway from
• 16:49
  listening to this podcast. Empathizing with one another's
• 16:51
  perspectives. Oh, and also women don't lose
• 16:55
  weight from exercising. That's like some bullshit.
• 16:57
  You know, you, I could link you to a Times article about that.
• 17:00
  It's like, you know, women do not lose weight just from
• 17:02
  working out, they get hungry and then they eat more.
• 17:05
  They're not like men. They don't have the same muscles
• 17:07
  as met so they're not just going to lose a whole bunch of weight
• 17:09
  from working out. They have to couple it obviously
• 17:12
  with dietary and lifestyle changes or whatever.
• 17:15
  Basically, it's not going to happen, just from doing what a
• 17:18
  man does men and women. When they start a diet at the
• 17:21
  same time and exercise at the same time, the man drops, 25
• 17:24
  pounds of the woman like gains five pounds and it's very
• 17:26
  depressing. So don't do that.
• 17:28
  Don't have ever like a weight loss competition with your
• 17:31
  spouse. Never going to work.
• 17:32
  Don't have any sort of any Don't really have a competition with
• 17:36
  your spouse. Keep it in, keep it nice and
• 17:38
  fun. We don't compete with each
• 17:40
  other. We love each other but anyhow
• 17:42
  just wanted to add that one in for all the ladies who are like.
• 17:46
  Yeah but he thinks if I start to go to CrossFit that I'm going to
• 17:49
  end up you know looking like I did when I was 25.
• 17:52
  No such luck. Yeah man, no such luck but you
• 17:55
  know, she will be in a better mood.
• 17:57
  She your body look better, she'll be excited to be a
• 18:00
  CrossFit. You may get more turned on by
• 18:02
  seeing her in the CrossFit outfit, you know?
• 18:04
  Cetera. And she's going to feel good
• 18:06
  about herself from doing whatever the hell they do a
• 18:08
  CrossFit. It looks so scary to me
• 18:11
  CrossFit, but I'd be people love it.
• 18:13
  Alright, I will talk to everybody soon and have a great
• 18:16
  weekend.