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Why Is This Kangaroo Kind of Hot? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour. So absurd, so
0:10
questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour. So to our listeners out there,
0:26
we're all married. We have somehow tricked some
0:29
females into giving us their lives. Those females
0:32
now are really getting into the game Mahjong.
0:35
Now, can y 'all explain Mahjong to those people
0:39
that aren't as cultured as the families that
0:42
we have created? I mean, I think it's pretty
0:44
straightforward. Yeah, there's only a couple
0:46
rules. Just a few, I think. I think the first
0:48
being the Mahjong tiles. In order to properly
0:53
play the game, they must be carved from the bones
0:56
of your ancestors, I think. Yeah, which was an
0:59
interesting rule as my wife came back covered
1:02
in dirt, looking like an archaeologist, just
1:06
carrying a bag of bones. Yeah. And does it have
1:08
to be your ancestors, or can it just be ancestors
1:11
in general? Someone's ancestor? Someone's ancestors.
1:15
If you want to win, it has to be yours. If you
1:18
just want to play, it can be anybody's. I think
1:20
it's a plus five if it's your own. It's like,
1:24
what do they call them? The way to die. Yes.
1:27
Yeah. You come to a Mahjong table, you play against
1:32
somebody that's like, this is actually my grandfather.
1:35
You're like... I'm going to lose this game. There's
1:38
no way I can win it. He's cheating. And then
1:41
the second rule of Mahjong, upon those tiles,
1:43
you have to paint symbols on them. These symbols
1:46
represent things like the local fauna in your
1:51
area. It's a good thing we're having this conversation
1:54
right now so you can learn a little bit more.
1:57
It's just deer through different stages of life.
2:00
Got your fawn. You've got as it matures. Deer
2:05
graduating college. Deer graduating college.
2:08
Getting married. Yeah, yeah. Working through
2:11
a career. His marriage is falling apart. You
2:15
know, he's stressed. The tie is loose around
2:17
his neck. Yeah, yeah. He's not going straight
2:19
home after work. He's going to the local deer
2:24
bar. Yeah. It's starting to impact his work life.
2:29
Assignments aren't getting done. He's in the
2:31
deer boss's office getting scolded for not getting
2:35
the project in on time. And then he kills himself.
2:40
He deer kills himself. He takes a deer gun and...
2:46
Which is different than a normal gun. Of course.
2:50
Yeah, right. Okay. But, I mean, that's a sad
2:52
one. I think some tiles can have the deer signing
2:55
up for deer AARP, you know, and retiring. And
2:59
growing old with his deer wife. Yeah. Deer wife.
3:02
I like what you did there. You guys get it. He
3:05
makes it. I think I'm starting to understand
3:07
Mahjong. Yeah. It's a bunch of puns. Yeah. One
3:11
of the tiles could be a deer playing Mahjong,
3:14
digging up the deer ancestor that just previously
3:16
died. Very true. To then play Mahjong gets really
3:19
meta. It's very in circles. And some of the rules
3:26
change every year, right? Yes, that's what I
3:29
hear. So I think this year it seems like it's
3:31
the deer. The year of the deer, if you will.
3:33
What was last year? Last year, I believe, was
3:36
the year of Christopher Walken. I forgot he's
3:41
a Chinese. A Chinese... He's not Chinese, but
3:46
they've kind of adopted him, I think, as one
3:50
of their own. That's interesting. I didn't realize
3:53
Christopher Walken was such a big character in
3:56
the Chinese culture. Since you know so much about
3:58
Chinese Christopher Walken, can you maybe give
4:00
Christopher Walken in different Chinese scenarios?
4:04
So let's, you know, let's do... We won't do the
4:06
Chinese accent. We'll keep it PG. So maybe he's
4:11
at a fish market. This is him going to, let's
4:14
say he's getting to pick up some takeout or something
4:15
like that. He's, hello, I'd like it to get the
4:20
mooshu pork. And can you throw in just a big
4:29
old cup of noodles? It's like he's in the room.
4:35
It's like he's in the room. It's like he's in
4:37
the room. I understand why people are walking
4:39
in such a big. An impactful character. People
4:41
say he only eats Chinese food. So I think that's
4:45
kind of why he's sort of been adopted into the
4:48
game. A lot of MGO. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Taking
4:52
up that guy's body. Lots of chemicals. Anyway,
4:56
anyway. Welcome to Question with Etor. Let's
4:59
do a hypothetical. Dave, can I pose a somewhat
5:01
abstract, purely hypothetical question? I guess
5:05
I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical
5:07
question. Well, that's a hypothetical question.
5:11
You know, little known fact about us is that
5:13
we are in great positions of power. Run multiple
5:17
Fortune 500 companies. But the point is, we bosses.
5:20
We boy bosses. For sure. Y 'all would consider
5:23
yourself boy bosses. We boss babies, you know.
5:26
But as the bosses. of y 'all's very well -established
5:30
companies. I am sure y 'all have many employees.
5:33
And a big part of being a boss is having to fire
5:36
somebody. Maybe they didn't do the job correctly.
5:39
Maybe they were late on a project. They missed
5:42
a deadline. And you had to pull the plug on them.
5:46
I just want to know, how do y 'all walk the line
5:49
of firing somebody and maybe letting them down
5:52
easy? Because this is their livelihood. They
5:55
have to... feed their families. They have to
5:57
provide for themselves. How do y 'all fire somebody?
6:01
Well, you guys, me, I run a successful business,
6:03
as you said, and a 0 % fire rate. I've never
6:08
fired anyone before in my life. Wow. Thank you.
6:11
And that's, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And that's
6:14
not to say that nobody's ever left our company.
6:16
Turnover rate is at least 90%. Oh, okay. We're
6:22
getting a clearer picture here. That's a very
6:24
great. That's a great marketing strategy. Just
6:26
bending the truth ever so slightly to make yourself
6:29
look better. I've never fired anybody. Right.
6:32
I look great. Yeah. That doesn't tell the whole
6:35
truth. And I'm going to be honest about that
6:38
because I do have to get rid of some people.
6:40
They don't always put up the numbers that we
6:42
want them to. You know, we want them to pump
6:44
out 16 and they're giving me four. I hate to
6:48
hear that. I say. We want them to pump out 17.
6:52
They're only giving us 16. You're really moving
6:54
the goalpost. We want them to give us 18, and
7:01
they're only giving me 17. You give people goals,
7:04
and they never meet them. That's very frustrating.
7:06
People disappoint. We put them on pips. They
7:11
always end up leaving by the end of it. You're
7:14
maybe asking yourself, how do you get these people
7:15
out of here? Because, you know, if they're not
7:17
performing, you still got to get rid of them.
7:19
So what we do is I've hired a, I'll call them
7:22
a team, but it's in the numbers of upper 200s.
7:27
So it's a big team of well -trained kangaroos
7:31
that I go. And if I have a guy, let's call him
7:36
George. I said, hey, we need you to give us 19.
7:39
He's only given us 18. Come on, George. George
7:43
is his actual name? George is his actual name.
7:45
Okay, you do. He said, let's call him George.
7:47
Because that's what we call him. And we got to
7:52
get George out of here. I'm not going to fire
7:55
him. That's going to impact my stats. So I send
7:57
my well -trained, almost said army, I meant team
8:00
of militaristic kangaroos to George's house to
8:04
detain his family. Of course. Detain and I won't
8:11
say subdue, but I let the kangaroos do what they
8:14
need to do. to get the family. You're not a micromanager.
8:17
I'm not. Exactly. And Hey, I said, kangaroos,
8:20
I need you to give me four and they're giving
8:22
me five. Oh, so the best workers I got, but I
8:28
say, George, listen, I've got a team of about
8:30
213 kangaroos. They're six, five standing two
8:34
30. You can't do nothing about it. Give them
8:37
stats. Like you're. Professional boxers. Okay.
8:40
6 '4", 290. What's his name? The kangaroo? Yeah.
8:44
His name is Samuel. Okay. Samuel is just a thick,
8:50
girthy kangaroo. Muscular. Did I say 6 '4", 290
8:55
earlier? Yeah. Because I meant 6 '4", 290. Kangaroos
8:59
are weirdly jacked. Absolutely. They have no
9:02
reason to be as jacked as they are. Evan's noticed.
9:09
He's made a note. It's by no coincidence that
9:13
he has hired kangaroos. Samuel. It's safe to
9:19
say you work closely with Samuel. I try to treat
9:24
them, you know. They get a good job done. I take
9:27
them out for dinner, you know. You take them
9:30
to dinner after the job's been done. Yeah, wine
9:32
and dine them. But after the job's been done.
9:35
Yeah, after. Hey. Only after they do a good job.
9:38
Because if I say, hey, give me five, and he only
9:40
gives me four, I'm not going to take him to dinner.
9:43
Absolutely not. There's no way. So I say, Samuel,
9:47
no, George, I've got Samuel holding your family
9:50
hostage. And there's no way, the only way you
9:54
leave here with your family alive is if you put
9:58
in your resignation right now. Right this second.
10:01
And I say, you've got five seconds to write your
10:04
resignation letter. Five seconds. While your
10:06
wife dies. It's not legible at all. No. It just
10:11
says quit. So I start counting. I say five. He's
10:16
scrambling. He didn't have a pen. I don't give
10:18
him pen and paper. Yeah. I like to put people
10:21
up against the wall. So if he can get that resignation
10:24
letter in within five seconds, I feel like George
10:27
has given me six when I asked him to give me
10:29
five. Sure. So I don't accept that resignation
10:31
letter. So George is still employed by me, but
10:34
I'm a man of my word. I say, if you leave this
10:37
building, or previously I had said, if you leave
10:39
this building without your resignation letter,
10:41
you're going to die. Or your family's going to
10:43
die. Okay, so I was about to say, do you threaten
10:44
him as well? No, I would never do that. That
10:47
would probably go against HR's policies. So I
10:50
don't accept his resignation letter, and George
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walks out. Samuel does what has to be done. George
10:55
is... Family doesn't make it through the night
10:57
because... Takes all night. It's a long process.
11:00
Well, Samuel's very thorough. But not efficient.
11:02
Not efficient. No. He's 6 '4", 290. He doesn't
11:06
do anything like quickly. So I hate to ask this
11:09
because this is a very, very dark subject at
11:12
the moment. Yeah. How does Samuel go about exterminating
11:17
a man's family for not achieving the goals as
11:19
you move them? And how does it take all night?
11:22
That's what I want to know. How is it so inefficient?
11:25
Listen, I don't want to dive too deep into this
11:29
because then I feel like we're going to have
11:30
to get into the metrics on Samuel. You've already
11:32
given us the metrics, at least the metrics you
11:34
care about. Yeah. He's 6 '9", 290. And thick.
11:39
And thick. And thick, Samuel. Ripped. Dreamy
11:43
eyes. Very dreamy eyes. You look into them and...
11:48
You kind of see your future. You like it. You're
11:51
in a wedding dress. I don't want to dive too
11:56
deep into Samuel's performance metrics just because
11:58
not that I'm particular towards Samuel or anything.
12:02
Right. You don't give him any special treatment.
12:04
Of course not. I treat all my employees fairly
12:07
and equally. So I just choose not to look at
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Samuel's performance. If it takes him all night,
12:12
it takes him all night. I told him to give me...
12:14
Three, and he gave me three. That's all I need.
12:16
Now, Alan, Evan's going to avoid this question.
12:19
I don't blame him for that. I really don't, because
12:21
what he's doing is not only unethical, but inhumane.
12:24
He's giving a diplomatic response to a very tough
12:27
question. We've seen it time and time again.
12:29
I mean, he's already lying to make himself look
12:32
better, which, sure, you're making yourself look
12:34
better right now. You know somebody that... had
12:37
samuel come over to his house yeah what was what
12:40
was the method that samuel used to take all night
12:42
to take the lives of a man's family samuel has
12:46
a strange method he tries to flood the house
12:50
his method for killing a family drowning them
12:56
yeah it's a kangaroo thing to view a building
13:00
as a basin all kangaroos have that We'll call
13:04
it a flaw. They see a house and they think that
13:07
obviously holds water completely. And so Samuel
13:11
tries to flood the house. You know, a lot of
13:14
surface area in the house. It takes quite a while.
13:17
That makes sense because houses aren't airtight.
13:20
Water will leak. I mean, it's going to be leaking.
13:23
So he just turns on, like, what, the bathtub
13:25
and just waits? Yeah, every faucet in the house,
13:30
he's got... Water hoses running into the house.
13:33
So basically what he's going to end up trying
13:35
to do is drown this family in, you know, half
13:38
an inch of water on the floor. And that's why
13:41
it takes all night long. That's dark. That's
13:44
dark, Evan. It's not my idea. See, another political
13:50
answer. Avoid responsibility. I just own the
13:53
business. I don't do the day -to -day. You know,
13:56
I leave that up to Samuel. Samuel's like his
13:58
hatchet man, you know? Yeah. If he thinks a half
14:01
inch of water is what it needs to get done. Hey,
14:04
I say half inch is a lot. More than enough. More
14:07
than enough. More than adequate. A lot of things.
14:10
Yeah. We'll get the job done. Hey, it's not about
14:14
the amount of water. It's about how you use it.
14:16
Right. And Samuel seems like he uses half an
14:18
inch very well. And that's another thing that
14:24
you... you like about him i i appreciate that
14:26
about sam i appreciate his half inch and look
14:30
if you can use that half inch and make it last
14:34
all night it does take all night you know what
14:39
i get it i get why i get why evan's so uh so
14:42
high on samuel like he seems like seems like
14:46
he knows what he's doing i'm high and i'm low
14:48
on samuel oh okay Not that I want to turn this
14:54
conversation around a little bit. No, why would
14:58
you ever do that? Be a first time for everything?
15:04
Yeah. And not that aptly named for the podcast.
15:09
I want to take a little detour here. Less questionable,
15:12
ironically, the actual answer to this question.
15:15
Have you made a move on Samuel? Because Alan
15:17
and I... have noticed how you talk about Samuel.
15:21
You get stars in your eyes. You kind of have
15:23
this playful, happy smirk of a first love. Your
15:26
eyes turn into the eyes of an anime character
15:29
with hearts in them when you talk about him.
15:33
Yeah, yeah. I mean, HR seems really loose anyway
15:36
at your company. Does it allow company dating?
15:40
Not in the... I mean, listen, I think if I wanted
15:44
to date somebody within my company, HR is not
15:46
going to stop me. You guys see what kind of power
15:48
I have. You seem like you're willing to go to
15:51
the extreme. So let's say that you and Samuel
15:54
were at a Coldplay concert. What song is on?
16:05
The Scientist is on. This is, I think, the third
16:09
time they've played it. So the room is getting
16:12
just, the room is in their feels right now. Hot
16:15
and heavy. Yeah. Samuel is behind you, arms around
16:19
your waist. Camera pans to the two of you. You're
16:23
on the big screen. Yeah. You're rocking back
16:26
and forth. Everybody sees you. What is the backlash
16:31
if... to you and Samuel being publicly seen at
16:35
this Coldplay concert. First thing first, it's
16:39
obviously going to go viral. It's gone viral
16:41
multiple times with you and Samuel. You catch
16:44
whatever the other one has back and forth virally.
16:50
I mean, PETA, it goes out of their minds on this
16:54
one. Pro or against? Yeah, PETA's big about like,
16:59
you know. helping animals honestly it was both
17:01
it's kind of been a confusing thing between me
17:04
and pita is they sent me a cease and desist but
17:07
they were also trying to sue me but also trying
17:11
to stay on the right side of it and be like oh
17:14
this is beautiful love is love you know yeah
17:17
yeah and you're not abusing samuel he might be
17:20
abusing you but i you're not abusing samuel Of
17:23
course not. So what I had to say to PETA is me
17:27
and Samuel are in love, you know, and you can't
17:30
stop that. Oh, okay. You just admitted that right
17:32
now. Okay. Okay. I thought there was going to
17:35
be a little more buildup, maybe a little more,
17:37
I guess you could say foreplay. Sure. In this
17:39
conversation. Not here. Not here. Nope. Evan
17:41
just admitted it right there. Okay. This is company
17:45
CEO in love with leader of company paramilitary
17:48
organization. Hey, listen, I'm glad you admitted
17:54
it. You know, better to get ahead of it. Yeah,
17:56
I mean, I guess I ejaculated that out of my mouth
17:59
a little too early. No, wait, no. What's the
18:05
word I'm looking for? I cannot tell you. It ejected
18:13
that out of my mouth a little too early. I don't
18:15
know that that's any better. A little premature.
18:18
I understand. Well, you know, obviously... There's
18:22
probably not going to be a lot of backlash within
18:23
your company as they allow you to slowly murder
18:26
the families of your employees. If anything,
18:29
they'd be upset because they're jealous that
18:31
Samuel chose you. Because Samuel seems like a
18:34
piece of meat. He seems like a piece of meat
18:38
in that company. There's probably a lot of people
18:40
within that company that would also like to be
18:42
in your shoes. Does Samuel have an Australian
18:44
accent? Yeah. I get it. I imagine him to be like
18:48
a kangaroo version of Chris Hemsworth. He's my
18:52
little Thor, you know? Yeah, yeah. What would
18:55
I do without him? I can imagine you saying that
18:58
as your foreheads are touching and you're stroking
19:01
each other's cheeks. Cheeks. You love it when
19:04
he's mule near you? Yeah, when we're doing a
19:08
little Thor play. Sometimes there's gold. Sometimes
19:17
there's gold. I hate this answer. I love when
19:23
it just turns nuts. I think me and Samuel, it
19:29
could be a fling. Listen, I don't know that he's
19:33
really marriage material. He's good to take to
19:36
a Coldplay concert. He's good to get in a little
19:39
viral post and be seen making out with to the
19:44
scientists. As far as, you know, kids in the
19:48
future. Wait, do you mean the song or just like
19:49
scientists in general? Like there's just scientists
19:51
around you studying you. Yeah. Trying to figure
19:56
out how this relationship is happening. Their
19:59
white lab coats and their notepads just fiercely
20:03
writing down. Science just turns me on. Yeah.
20:06
So anytime I just see a man in a white coat,
20:09
I just get. Wait, now you're turned on by scientists?
20:14
Just people in a white coat. Just scientists,
20:16
yeah. We make out to scientists all the time.
20:19
Oh, okay. This is a very progressive relationship
20:23
you got here. Sounds very open. Yeah, very open.
20:27
So basically Samuel's not somebody you take home
20:30
to mom and dad. No. Oh, Lord, no. But you know
20:33
Samuel, he likes to hop to and fro from relationship
20:36
to relationship. I have heard that about him.
20:38
Yeah. Because Alan has tried. Alan's taken an
20:46
attempt. Samuel might have a great work ethic,
20:50
but I've heard that in relationships, if you
20:53
ask for a four, he's given you a one. Exactly.
20:56
And that's why I just don't see it going too
20:59
much further. Wow, Evan, what a great answer.
21:04
What a great answer. Gotta be my worst answer.
21:08
Gotta be my worst hypothetical answer of all
21:11
time. This is a new low for me. This is going
21:19
to be somebody's favorite answer. One of our
21:22
listeners is going to have this on his top ten.
21:26
Somebody's like, you know what Question of the
21:27
Detour doesn't get into a lot? Bestiality. I
21:34
don't really broach that subject too often. But
21:37
wow, Evan, you seem like a great boss. Yeah,
21:40
thanks. Especially to Samuel. Yeah. All right,
21:43
Alan, you are the boss of a company. That's not
21:47
a hypothetical. That is a true thing. That is
21:49
a fact. How do you go about letting somebody
21:52
go? Firing somebody, letting them go. It's not
21:55
an easy thing. It's not something anybody really
21:58
enjoys doing. I like to add some theatrics to
22:00
it just to make it a little bit more fun for
22:03
me, but also fun for the person that's being
22:05
let go. I sedate them. When they come to, they're
22:10
in my office in a hospital bed. There is a fake
22:16
plug plugged into the wall. And what I'm doing
22:19
here is as I'm firing them, I'm simulating their
22:22
life ending. I'm simulating pulling the plug
22:25
on their employment. here at my company. So what
22:31
I've done is I have gathered their family. There's
22:35
20 plus other individuals. I don't know, but
22:39
they're related to this person in my office.
22:42
They're all surrounding the bed. There are flowers
22:45
there. There's weeping there. And then in the
22:48
background, I've got a slideshow of just pictures
22:50
of this individual as he grew up. Okay, you're
22:55
kind of doing the funeral as well. Yeah, well,
22:58
you know, we're trying to get as much into this.
23:01
15 minute block that i've carved out in my schedule
23:03
uh to fire this person he's trying to run a business
23:06
here yeah yeah he's got we need we need to be
23:08
efficient and i don't really have time to schedule
23:11
a second funeral yeah that's true okay i understand
23:13
so yeah i kind of i kind of put on my lab coat
23:17
grab a clipboard i walk over to his the side
23:19
of the bed oh he's in the bed did i miss that
23:22
did you say that i might i might have not said
23:24
it okay i didn't know he sedated him and then
23:27
got you okay yeah i didn't know if there's like
23:29
a character playing him in his bed, almost like
23:31
if he's having an out -of -body experience as
23:34
he watches not only his career die, but figuratively
23:39
him also die. You know, that would actually be
23:42
a fun pivot to this. And so I like your idea
23:46
so much, I'm going to actually change it to that.
23:49
Okay, good deal. He is behind a one -way mirror
23:54
in my office. Every office should have one of
23:58
those. Oh, okay. I didn't know if you're doing
24:01
this in a police interrogation room. My office
24:06
at my company that I'm definitely a CEO of, it
24:09
functions a lot like an interrogation room in
24:12
that it looks exactly like that. Yeah, okay.
24:14
There are three aluminum chairs and one table.
24:18
Bad fluorescent lighting. And then the other
24:22
side of that one -way glass looks identical to
24:25
it. Because what are we doing here? We're just
24:27
watching the people get interrogated. That's
24:30
all that's happening. So I've got the individual
24:33
that's being fired on the side of the one -way
24:35
glass. I've hired an actor to portray him in
24:40
this hospital bed. His real family is there.
24:42
And they're grieving him. So I walk up to the
24:46
bed and I say, you know, family, I'm sorry for
24:49
your loss. You don't say their names. You just
24:52
say family. I say family. I mean, there's 20
24:54
-something of them there. I cannot be responsible
24:57
for remembering every person's name. You couldn't
25:00
even remember his last name either. You got so
25:05
many of these firings going on, you're not even
25:07
sure which employee this is. The reason why they're
25:10
15 minutes is because this takes up most of my
25:12
time. I have so many of these going on. And so
25:16
I say family. Look, I do hate to do this. in
25:19
this way but i have so i don't obviously hate
25:22
it that much you're still doing it um based on
25:25
the quality and quantity timeliness of this individual's
25:30
work i'm being forced to let him go and then
25:33
at that moment another person enters the room
25:35
and puts a gun to my head and says you better
25:37
let this guy go Adding to the theatrics and also
25:41
making it not my fault. Yeah. I had no choice
25:45
in the matter. There's a guy with a gun here.
25:47
Yeah. What am I supposed to do? And yeah, I fold
25:51
and I said, look, family, I'm, again, I don't
25:53
know their names. Family. There's nothing I can
25:56
do. This assailant has a gun to my head. He said,
26:00
if you don't fire this man, I'll shoot you in
26:02
the head. Now, look, I'm a CEO of a very large
26:04
company. I've got mouths to feed. people to provide
26:08
for if one of us has to be let go it needs to
26:11
not be the ceo it needs to be the office drone
26:14
you know um so jim from accounting it needs to
26:18
be jim from accounting and you tell them i'm
26:20
very important i'm a very important person as
26:23
as this person has a gun to my head i'm putting
26:26
on my like double -breasted 80s suit um I've
26:30
had a really gaudy, colorful tie. I tell them
26:33
how important I am. I'm like, guys, look. Do
26:35
you see how many colors are on this tie? Count
26:38
the buttons on this jacket. I make them count
26:40
them all with me. Like a Sesame Street bit. One,
26:44
two. I've got the count actually from Sesame
26:48
Street. He's also in the room. This is the only
26:51
portion that he talks in this thing. We do get
26:55
the count for this. It's still the puppet. You
26:57
just have a guy in there with the count. puppet
27:00
on his hand and he's just standing there yeah
27:02
yeah until this moment obviously and so obviously
27:05
you know guys i'm i'm a very important man which
27:08
is why we only have 15 minutes to get this done
27:10
but i've got to let this guy go i say but because
27:13
i don't want to take the full blame for it we're
27:14
going to all do this together so i make every
27:16
single family member grab the cord and we all
27:20
pull the cord out of the wall at the same time
27:23
it's like a tug -of -war situation yes You have
27:27
somebody on the other side of the wall pulling
27:29
the other side. One of the family members that's,
27:33
like, the most affected by the firing is on the
27:35
other side. It symbolizes the fight for life,
27:38
right? It symbolizes, including his job, it symbolizes
27:42
that there should be a fight going on. But he's
27:44
going to lose. Yeah, I mean, he's going to lose.
27:47
He's outnumbered, yeah. He's severely outnumbered.
27:50
And honestly, his work just... his work was lacking.
27:53
And I make sure the family knows that too, because
27:55
this is not just a, this is not just a willy
27:57
nilly firing. I mean, I can't even be seen in
28:00
the room with somebody that is putting forth
28:03
that little effort at a job. Yeah. Yeah. So I
28:06
imagine to the guy on the other side of the,
28:09
the double sided glass, this is playing out like
28:12
a very weird daytime soap opera. Could be. Yeah.
28:15
Just with the count from a Sesame street. As
28:20
he watches his family symbolically not support
28:23
him and symbolically pull him from life. And
28:28
so you said you like to go through, you like
28:30
to let the family know that he was not a good
28:33
worker, right? Do you go through all of his misdoings
28:36
as an employee? Just really air him out to his
28:38
family right in front of them? It's like the
28:40
final judgment when Jesus comes back. What I
28:44
do is I just take a lot of the things that he's
28:47
done that I've seen that I don't like, And I
28:50
have a group come in and I have them reenact
28:52
it. So at this point, if you're counting, there's
29:00
20 family members, one person acting as the employee,
29:04
me, double -breasted suit, really colorful tie,
29:08
a lot of buttons. Very important. Very important.
29:11
The count from Sesame Street. And a man with
29:14
a gun holding a gun. A man with a gun pointed
29:18
at me, forcing me to do all this. And then I've
29:21
got two actors that are acting out just scenes
29:26
of foolishness from this individual, showing
29:30
his lack of capacity to actually function at
29:33
his day -to -day job. And then one of the other
29:35
actors is obviously dressed as me. And that's
29:38
that's kind of brings me to my next point is,
29:41
you know, we like to show them, you know, as
29:42
a growing up. So what we do is we maybe we're
29:46
all their parents went wrong. And why? How? I
29:49
mean, when you are not doing good at your job,
29:53
that doesn't just that's not something that just
29:55
starts. There's something that is it's something
29:58
that's been building from childhood. Yeah, absolutely.
30:01
Your parents. obviously failed you at some point
30:05
in how they raised you because you're not the
30:09
man that needs to be working at a successful
30:12
person's company like mine. An important person.
30:15
An important. person somebody with double breasts
30:18
somebody with double breasts somebody with double
30:21
breasts big ones and a lot of buttons a lot of
30:24
buttons there's i mean count these buttons a
30:26
lot of them to show off the double breast yeah
30:28
really really puffing up those breasts yeah yeah
30:32
i've actually got a bike pump And there's another
30:37
guy in the room who's behind me pumping up an
30:43
inflatable suit. And all of this is the size
30:44
of a police interrogation. Yeah, all in the size
30:47
of the police interrogation. You really get to
30:48
know each other. Pressed up against one another.
30:51
It's actually the puppeteer doing the count,
30:54
you know, that's doing the count. When he's not
30:56
counting numbers, he's pumping. Oh, efficient.
30:59
Yeah, because, I mean, like I say, we love efficiency
31:02
at this company. We're canning this dude because
31:04
he's not efficient. What we do not tolerate in
31:08
this company is failure. And anything that I
31:11
don't like is failure. You miss a deadline. Failure.
31:16
You bring something to eat at lunch that I don't
31:20
like. I'm not eating it, but they are. I don't
31:23
like that. You're like, can you give me every
31:25
number to your every family member? Yeah. If
31:29
you would have a funeral today, who would attend?
31:32
You start the process. Well, what I do is I send
31:35
out polls, a monthly poll, and I'm like, it's
31:38
just... Name me 20 family members. And I do it
31:42
for everybody in the company. That way I've always
31:45
got 20 family members on file. I get it. Name
31:48
and phone number. Yeah, name and phone number
31:50
and social security number if you got them. Now,
31:52
this is an interesting question that I have for
31:55
you. And I would like to maybe, since you're
31:57
so experienced in playing scenarios out in your
31:59
day -to -day work, Evan, do you want to be a
32:02
family member of the person he's about to can?
32:04
I just kind of want to know what that phone call
32:07
is like as you call the family member to get
32:10
them to come to this, to this, what would you
32:14
even call this? I think it's just a 15 minute
32:18
firing. Okay. This is 15. I'm glad it has a name.
32:21
15 minute family involved. Yeah. So let's maybe
32:25
do a phone call and I just want to see how it
32:27
plays out. Gladys, I'm so glad I got you on the
32:45
horn today. This is Alan with the company. Wow,
32:49
you sound important. Thanks, Gladys. I knew when
32:55
I called you today that you would be recognizing
32:57
importance as you picked up the phone. I knew
33:00
that you could sense it in the voice of someone
33:03
and didn't have to actually see them, though
33:06
I'm sure you're visualizing someone in a double
33:08
-breasted suit and a colorful tie, if I'm correct.
33:11
You looked straight out of a Sears Roebuck magazine.
33:15
Thank you, Gladys. What I'm calling about, I'm
33:19
calling about your nephew, Evan. What did he
33:22
do this time? What he's doing, it's more of what
33:25
he's not doing. Tell me about it. No, actually,
33:29
tell me about it. What he is, is he's a deadline
33:33
misser. He's just a regular old screw -up. Well,
33:53
Gladys, I'm glad to hear that you are validating
33:57
me right now in this. I've had five other phone
34:00
calls and you have been the most supportive.
34:02
I'm going to say, can you get to my office here
34:06
at the company tomorrow afternoon so we can just
34:09
do... a firing on your nephew, Evan. Obviously,
34:13
he's unacceptable as an employee, and he needs
34:17
to be taken down a peg. How long's it gonna take?
34:20
I got a max of 15 minutes. Gladys, you and I
34:27
are on the same wavelength. There's absolutely
34:30
no way that I'm spending longer than 15 minutes
34:35
on Evan. That's how long I can go between smokes.
34:42
Absolutely. We actually allow the whole family
34:45
to. So what we're going to do is each person's
34:47
going to put a hand on that cord and we're all
34:49
going to figuratively and physically just pull
34:51
the plug on him. Oh, it's a physical thing too?
34:55
I really wanted to say the words you're flying
34:58
to this stupid idiot. We're not actually going
35:01
to say that. I've got to... A pre -recorded audio
35:05
of Donald Trump just saying you're fired from
35:08
The Apprentice. I use that so I don't have to
35:10
actually do the dirty work myself. You sound
35:13
like a pussy. Gladys, I think we're having a
35:19
bad connection here. Listen, just get down here
35:24
to the office. I don't care what you have to
35:25
say. You're a piece of absolute dirt. And I bet
35:29
you you're Evan's real mom. And it's non -smoking.
35:39
Oh, wow. Wow. Okay, yeah. That was good there.
35:44
The rollercoaster of that relationship was wild.
35:47
I thought the connection with Gladys was a big
35:51
deal, but then it kind of... Well, that's how
35:53
it goes sometimes in life. You think that there's
35:56
a connection there and... You just grow apart.
35:59
You just grow apart. You hire somebody because
36:03
you think they're good and then you realize that
36:05
they're not. And then you call their aunt to
36:07
talk about it and you realize halfway through
36:09
the conversation, well, that's not working out
36:10
either. Wow. You're a tough boss, but fair. It
36:14
seems tough and fair. With great breasts. Thank
36:18
you. Two of them. I appreciate that. Yeah, two
36:22
of them's important. Not just one. You have both
36:24
of them. Dude, not a freak. Double Brit. Well,
36:29
there you go. That's how you fire somebody. Listen,
36:31
for our next segment, we are going to give people
36:34
life advice. How can I help? What can I do? I
36:39
want to do a nice thing for you. I need help.
36:42
All right, this first needy individual who has
36:46
no direction in their life is... is Thomas and
36:49
he says, how do I bring the relationship to the
36:53
next level? His email goes, me and this girl
36:56
I know from camp have been snapping a lot recently,
36:59
but we haven't really been talking. I like her
37:02
and she snaps back frequently. How can I bring
37:05
our relationship to the next level without asking
37:08
her out? She lives a little far, so asking her
37:12
to hang out randomly doesn't really work. What
37:15
should I do? do now at the beginning of this
37:17
episode we brag that we are married so obviously
37:21
we know how to catch a girl we've at least done
37:24
this at least once yeah more times than thomas
37:28
now thomas i want to clarify something i assume
37:31
by snapping you mean snapchat and not just like
37:34
a 50 doo -wop gang just kind of snapping at each
37:38
other back and forth but it's unclear So I guess,
37:42
you know, we can take it either way. But how
37:44
would y 'all help Thomas progress this crush
37:48
that he has into a relationship? I would say
37:52
if you want to take it to the next level and
37:53
you don't want to ask her out. Go straight to
37:56
her dad. Ask for her hand in marriage. You're
38:00
clearly not into dating, but you still want that.
38:03
You still want the relationship to be advanced
38:06
to the next level. So skip a few levels and go
38:10
straight into marriage. Tell her dad what you
38:12
can provide him and her. If you raise cattle,
38:17
it's a good time to bring that up. Go through
38:19
your livestock portfolio. Maybe tell him that
38:22
your two kingdoms will now be at peace. Yeah.
38:25
If this marriage goes through. The wars are no
38:28
longer going to be fought and you two will form
38:30
an alliance. This is a very traditional approach
38:35
to relationships. I think it's been lost in our
38:37
modern society, our modern hookup society with
38:40
all the tenders and other apps that I definitely
38:45
know. There needs to be an app where you can
38:47
reach out to the woman's father. Yeah. and you
38:53
can get a dowry situation uh i was gonna ask
38:56
you do you do you advise thomas to maybe ask
38:59
the father for a dowry maybe ask him what he's
39:03
getting out of this relationship i think it makes
39:05
sense based on how everything else is going if
39:07
you're already talking livestock peacetime you
39:11
know i i think that you should get a little something
39:14
more than just a hand in marriage out of the
39:16
out of the arrangement i'd start small though
39:18
because you are you are getting the hand in marriage.
39:22
So you're already receiving something. Um, start
39:25
with something small, like a dozen, a dozen hens
39:29
or something like that. I thought you were saying
39:31
start small with the hand, maybe start with that.
39:33
And then maybe slowly work your way up to the,
39:37
to the full body of his daughter. But you start
39:40
with the hand in marriage. You just, you, you
39:42
go in humble. Like, can I, your daughter's hand.
39:46
Yeah, I think that's the best way to go. Just
39:48
go straight to the dad. If it's a good, strong
39:50
family, he's making the decisions anyways. So
39:53
let's go straight to him. I think that's great.
39:57
There you go, Thomas. That's a great first piece
39:59
of advice. If you don't want to ask her out,
40:01
ask her dad out for her. I think that's good.
40:04
Ask her dad out. Yeah, don't ask her dad out.
40:06
Well, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. It could
40:08
work. It could work. All right, Evan. Thomas
40:11
needs help. Taking this crush to the next level.
40:15
How does he win this girl over so that he can
40:17
finally find love? Thomas, let me tell you something.
40:20
The pufferfish carries... Yeah. The pufferfish
40:29
carries one of the most dangerous and deadly
40:32
neurotoxins in the world. So what I would say
40:36
is get you a little piece of that neurotoxin.
40:39
Inject that in her veins. Because they say if
40:43
you love something, you have to let it go. And
40:46
if it comes back, then it was meant to be. So
40:48
if she survives that, then you know it was meant
40:52
to be. I love that. Is there an easy way to extract
40:56
that toxin? Or do you just poke her with the
41:00
puffer fish? You just hit her with the fish?
41:02
Yeah, you just get a puffer fish and throw it
41:05
at her. Okay, it's like a dodgeball, like a weird
41:08
dodgeball situation. Yeah, you gotta scare it
41:10
a little bit so it puffs up. Hey, Samantha, and
41:12
she turns around and you knock her in the chest
41:14
with a puffer fish. Exactly, yeah. I think that's
41:17
good. I think if you do that and she survives
41:20
such a traumatic experience, she has good genetics
41:24
and therefore... will produce you great offspring.
41:27
Yeah, there's that too. I just think it's...
41:31
But also fate, you know, it's telling you, hey,
41:34
it's meant to be. And that's... I guess that's
41:39
your sign to take it to the next level. Would
41:40
you be worried she'd develop a tolerance for
41:42
neurotoxins? Yeah, you only can kind of do that
41:44
a couple times. Well, you really only got to
41:47
do it once. Why are you doing it multiple times?
41:50
Well, I didn't know if, you know, it seems like
41:51
a great strategy to... you know get your woman
41:54
and maybe in the relationship you might need
41:56
to use it again i don't know i mean if she's
41:58
like fiending for neurotoxin sure give her a
42:00
hit but i mean i don't know maybe you want to
42:04
go out with your boys one weekend that's giving
42:05
you a hard time yeah that's kind of what i was
42:07
getting hit her with a neurotoxin you know hit
42:09
her with another buffer fish you got your night
42:13
out yeah i mean at least you know she's she survived
42:16
at once So she'll probably do it again. It gives
42:20
you a good couple of days while she's recovering.
42:22
Yeah. Very efficient with that one. Very sweet.
42:26
Very sweet. Very, very romantic. My advice to
42:30
you, Thomas, is if you really want to take this
42:33
relationship to the next level, you need to show
42:35
her what it would be like to be in a relationship
42:37
with you. Obviously, you can't get this girl.
42:40
You can't get another girl. I think that's an
42:42
easy. Kind of one plus one logic situation right
42:46
there. I would say maybe get a cantaloupe, put
42:49
it on the top of a broomstick and maybe a mop
42:53
and make a version of her out of this and parade
42:59
this new her around her so that she sees what
43:03
a relationship with you would be like. Maybe
43:07
take this mop handle girl to get flowers. Yeah.
43:11
Maybe... Maybe she turns the corner and you're
43:13
making out passionately with this mop handle
43:16
girl to show her how vulnerable and how affectionate
43:20
you are. Maybe you and this mop handle girl got
43:24
into a fight and she hears you apologizing first
43:27
without being asked. Maybe you communicate your
43:31
emotions to this mop handle girl, the girl you're
43:33
trying to go out with, so she sees that you have
43:37
great communication skills. Take this mop handle
43:40
girl out for a nice steak dinner. Yeah. Just
43:43
you two in a booth. Yeah. It has to be where
43:45
this girl is, so you're going to have to follow
43:47
the girl around. I would say take the mop handle
43:50
girl to camp. Yeah. That's where, that's where
43:52
one place, you know, she's going to be there.
43:54
Yeah. So some light stalking is going to have
43:57
to be involved, but I think any good relationship
43:59
begins with light stalking. You've got to do
44:02
the work. You got, you got to put in the work.
44:03
I think it really, that's all our, all of our
44:06
answers kind of include the work that you have
44:08
to put into it. I just give you the advice of,
44:10
she needs to see how good of a boyfriend you
44:13
actually are. Yeah. And eventually she's going
44:16
to get jealous of that mop handle. One day you're
44:18
going to go after the mop handle. To start, you
44:20
know, your daily routine. Boom, she's right there.
44:23
She's wearing the mop wig. She's pretending to
44:26
be the mop handle girl. She hasn't connected
44:30
that that's supposed to be her. She thinks you
44:31
just are in love with a mop girl. And either
44:36
way, whether... ask you out as herself, or she
44:39
tries to pretend to be the mop girl. You got
44:41
her. You've secured her. You've secured the bag.
44:44
And she's definitely going to be mentally stable.
44:46
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna, she's gonna be
44:49
mentally stable for sure. But Thomas, there you
44:52
go. There are three great pieces of advice. I
44:54
do have to remind you. and everybody that is
44:57
planning on writing into the QD podcast for our
45:00
advice, that you legally have to do one of these.
45:04
You are encouraged to do all three, but one of
45:07
them will work. But you legally have to do it.
45:09
If you don't do it, you will be handed court
45:11
papers advising you that we are suing you. And
45:15
we have great lawyers. All right. This next one
45:17
comes to us from a young buck by the name of
45:20
Kevin. Kevin says, how to stop family members
45:24
from asking for grandkids. Title says it all.
45:27
Every time I see my grandma. She asks when I
45:30
will have kids. My mom asks too, but it's not
45:33
really that frequent, but it bothers me a ton
45:36
since the last and only time I dated in my life,
45:39
I got cheated on. Even after helping this girl
45:42
with a ton of stuff, it feels like they're just
45:45
throwing it back in my face that I'm a failure
45:48
and can't date. Ooh, that's tough. There's a
45:50
lot to unpack for Kevin here. First of all, his
45:53
name's Kevin. He didn't get a good life start
45:55
as it is. Yeah. Family. is the one that named
45:59
him and already kind of behind the eight ball
46:01
there so yeah guys how would y 'all help kevin
46:03
maybe stopping his family from crossing the boundary
46:06
of asking when he's gonna have kids yeah kevin
46:10
a fellow evan namer there um I think we're all
46:15
thinking this, so I'm just going to go ahead
46:16
and say it. The obvious answer here is you need
46:19
to kidnap a family. If you don't currently have
46:22
a family and you can't date someone to get a
46:24
family, just go make your own family. Kidnap
46:27
any child you see on the street. Yeah. Next child,
46:31
they don't have to be the same race as you. That
46:32
doesn't matter. You're street adopting them.
46:35
His grandma might care about the race. Yeah,
46:37
depending on the person. Yeah. But if you just
46:40
get your own family, then all the questions will
46:42
stop. Literally get your own family. Collect
46:45
them. Collect them like Pokemon. Yeah. Like you're
46:49
going grocery shopping for families. I think
46:51
his family would stop asking because he's gone
46:53
completely off the rails and now he's kidnapping
46:56
children to appease what they want. I think,
46:59
you know, he's gone to the extreme. Yeah, they'll
47:01
probably stop talking to you altogether. Oh,
47:02
there you go. I think that solves multiple issues.
47:05
You get the family, you... then lose the annoying
47:07
family members. Yeah. Really, it's just simple
47:10
math at that point. I think that's good. I think
47:12
it's efficient. Email us back in if you want
47:14
to know how to kidnap a family, the best ways
47:18
to kidnap people. We also know how to do that.
47:21
Make that your next advice. Yeah. But the other
47:25
thing is they say you can't choose your family,
47:28
but you literally can. You can choose your family.
47:30
Yeah. Wow. This is a philosophical podcast. You
47:33
can choose your family. Yeah. By kidnapping.
47:37
That's really good, Kevin. There you go. I mean,
47:39
that's a winner immediately. But thankfully,
47:43
you have two more pieces of advice that you can
47:46
choose from. All right, Alan. Kevin is having
47:48
a rough time with his family, overstepping boundaries,
47:50
asking when he's going to have a kid, even though
47:53
he doesn't even have a mate. How would you help
47:55
him out? Yeah. Kev, what I would say is enlist
47:58
in the military. Generally speaking, when someone
48:01
enlists in the military, they find a wife very
48:05
quickly and find themselves pregnant almost immediately
48:08
with a dodge challenger with a dodge challenger
48:12
for some reason that's just it's the most consistent
48:15
thing you wake up every morning the sun rises
48:18
and enlisted military men have a wife a baby
48:23
and a dodge challenger immediately i think they're
48:25
issued those as they join i think yeah They give
48:30
you your uniform and they say, this is your wife.
48:33
She's already pregnant. You don't question it.
48:36
And they also, you know, walk you outside and
48:38
now you have a Dodge Challenger right there waiting
48:40
for you. Yeah. I mean, it's a foolproof plan.
48:43
We've seen this time and time again, tried and
48:46
true method. Just enlist in the army. The wife
48:48
and the kid and the Dodge Challenger will all
48:51
follow immediately after. Work itself out. Yeah.
48:54
Yeah. You know, I love the short and sweet answer
48:57
there. It's very easy. join the military and
49:00
uh obviously just based off of stats and records
49:03
you're gonna have a wife and kid very quickly
49:06
and a massive amount of debt yeah from buying
49:11
a car at a very high interest rate that's that's
49:13
a great uh piece of advice kevin so here's my
49:18
advice to you kevin you can't Get a girl. It's
49:21
obvious. The last one cheated on you, so you
49:23
probably weren't filling her needs as it was.
49:26
So just give up on girls. Create a child through
49:30
science. Create a lab full of test tubes and
49:34
beakers. Use your samples. No, no, no, no, no,
49:39
no. Use your samples. Stir it. Add things to
49:45
it. Test some things up. What do they do in labs?
49:49
Eat something. Wear a lab coat. Defrost them
49:52
and frost them again. And just find the perfect
49:57
combination of your sample and create life that
50:02
way. Then you don't even need a woman. You have
50:04
an offspring. A Frankenstein, if you will. Yeah,
50:09
a weird little... Test tube lab baby. And your
50:12
family will stop asking you when you're going
50:14
to have a kid because you have a kid. And also
50:16
probably this weird abomination also probably
50:19
has so many issues. It probably immediately is
50:23
like moaning, please kill me. Yeah. Please kill
50:26
me. You have a kid. You've achieved what your
50:28
family wanted in the first place. So I think
50:31
that solves your issue. That's pretty solid.
50:33
Yeah. I mean, hey, also probably gets you away
50:35
from your family. Also, especially if they walk
50:39
in on you doing these experiments. Lock your
50:44
doors. I would advise you to lock your doors
50:46
while you're doing this. Nobody needs to see
50:48
this. Don't show other people your samples. Yes.
50:51
I mean, even if you were the girl, you would
50:53
lock your door while you're creating a child
50:55
anyway. So it runs parallel with each other.
50:57
But there you go, Kevin. There are three pieces
51:00
of advice for you. Legally, you have to do one
51:02
of these. I would like to remind you we have
51:04
an excellent team of... lawyers ready to sue
51:07
anybody who does not take at least one of these
51:10
advice uh you can use all three of them we recommend
51:13
it as they are all golden pieces of advice but
51:15
you legally have to do one of them but there
51:17
you go kevin thank you for writing in please
51:19
write us back in and tell us how It worked out
51:21
for you. We're excited to know. If you have a
51:24
hypothetical you want us to do or you need some
51:26
advice, don't hesitate to write us in at questionabledetour
51:31
at gmail .com. All right, guys. As we finish
51:33
up, do we want to leave our listeners with one
51:36
last piece of wisdom? They say cats always land
51:40
on their feet. I say you don't know if tables
51:43
do the same thing. So let's chunk a couple off
51:45
your roof. Cats can't be the only thing. There's
51:48
got to be something else. Expiration dates are
51:51
a myth. Nothing ever really expires. It just
51:56
evolves into a new state of being. You should
51:59
eat it. The advice ended there. Okay, okay. It
52:03
is one -liner wisdom. It is one -liner wisdom.
52:06
You can't put another line in. Yeah, you can't
52:07
explain it. It's one sentence. There's a period.
52:10
You stop. All right, guys. Thank you for listening
52:13
to the Question of the Year podcast. You want
52:15
to be done? Y 'all. Thinking about riding around.
52:43
Thinking about this show. Thinking about this
52:45
crowd. Thinking all day, man. Shit, it's been
52:47
a minute since, you know, shit, I smoked a blunt.
52:49
Shit, but I'm popping all these pills. Man, shit,
52:52
I'm for real. Shit, man, this stuff's good. Where
52:54
you at? Shit. Shit, I'm in my home on my phone.
53:01
Shit, with these girls and these bones thinking
53:02
all day.