Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Embracing the Layers: Power in the Pause with Heidi Blackie

Transcript

Embracing the Layers: Power in the Pause with Heidi Blackie · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:00
  There's a saying of, of a, there's a person walked by a dog
• 0:04
  and it was growling and they thought, oh, that's such a mean
• 0:07
  dog. And then they found that the dog
• 0:09
  actually had his leg in a trap and that's why he was responding
• 0:14
  that way. And that kind of wow, it's like
• 0:17
  a, you know, it's a metaphor. We don't know why that person,
• 0:23
  but there's something you know, you're not going to project
• 0:26
  outward what isn't inward, and you're not going to find outward
• 0:31
  what isn't inward. Hello, welcome back to The Field
• 0:35
  Podcast. I'm your host, Melissa Crook.
• 0:37
  I'm here with a new friend today thanks to our good friends at
• 0:40
  Podmatch. I'm always so appreciative of
• 0:42
  the people that I'm able to connect with through them.
• 0:45
  Some of my most meaningful connections I have met over the
• 0:49
  last couple of years through our partnership there and today is
• 0:52
  no different. And this woman's going to have,
• 0:54
  so she has such an impactful story and such an example of
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  taking those things you've learned and those lessons and
• 1:01
  those experiences and looking at all right, this is what I'm
• 1:06
  seeing. How can I move the needle
• 1:08
  forward? How can I improve and impact and
• 1:12
  enhance conversations and resources so we can do better
• 1:17
  and healthier for the generations to come, for the
• 1:20
  people that are living now that are ready to go on the journey?
• 1:23
  Heidi Blackie has made that her mission, her purpose, and we're
• 1:28
  going to unfold all of that today with her story here on the
• 1:32
  Field podcast. She describes herself as
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  curious, compassionate, optimistic, loyal, and a
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  lifelong learner. Heidi, welcome.
• 1:45
  Thank you so much for having me, Melissa.
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  I'm really excited to be in conversation with you.
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  I am too. I am excited to share you and
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  your story. And I think it's going to
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  connect with so many people because these are areas that
• 1:58
  most of us are living with ourselves or people that are
• 2:03
  dealing with so many of the things we're going to talk about
• 2:05
  today. But they don't feel like they
• 2:07
  can talk about it still, even now with all the language we
• 2:10
  have, with all the resources we have, with the engaging
• 2:14
  discussions starting to happen, there is still a lot to unpack
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  when it comes to conversations, honest conversations about our
• 2:23
  mental health and how it impacts us in all the areas of our
• 2:27
  health. And so let's start with your,
• 2:30
  your journey with prioritizing self-care because that's a key
• 2:34
  component in this. So talk to me about your journey
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  with understanding how this component fits into your
• 2:41
  Wellness. Yeah, thank you.
• 2:45
  So self-care now looks very different than before I got
• 2:51
  sick. Before I got sick, I was going
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  1,000,000 miles an hour. I was 1,000,000 miles from
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  myself. I was an athlete, competitive
• 3:00
  athlete. I was going, I didn't have time
• 3:03
  to slow down. I was working full time.
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  I had just my schedule was stuffed and I and I, I would ask
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  my patients and clients, you know, what do you do for
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  relaxation? I don't have time.
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  I don't have time for relaxation.
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  I'd say neither do I I'm, you know, I like movement.
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  I'm I'm right there with you. And eventually it, it took its
• 3:30
  toll, along with a lot of losses and stress and forced me to slow
• 3:37
  down. And through that whole health
• 3:43
  journey, myself care practice has moved to the very top of my
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  list because if I don't have my health, I have nothing.
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  And it is my priority from the moment I get out of bed.
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  And I start off with movement in nature, usually with my dog.
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  And I never take headphones. I want to hear the birds, I want
• 4:12
  to smell the flowers. I want to really be in gratitude
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  and be present. And that's so such a part of
• 4:23
  every morning. It's kind of I'm, I'm a little
• 4:26
  bit selfish in terms of I don't want anybody to join me because
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  I just want to experience the unfolding of the day in that
• 4:38
  intimate way. Just just me, my dog nature and
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  I, I'm, I'm a changed person when I walk back in the door and
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  it doesn't matter how tired I am or fatigued or what's going on
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  in my life. I just modify kind of the the
• 5:00
  level of effort in terms of what I'm doing.
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  If I'm running or I'm roller skiing or I'm just walking and
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  breath work is another. And then just mindfulness.
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  When I eat, like I, I eat very clean, but I also sit there and
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  I, I've, I visualize the hands that tended the seeds and the
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  soil and the sun and the rain and, and the plants that are,
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  you know, life and living beings that are giving me life and
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  giving me energy. And, and then sleep is another
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  one that's really important because I get up really early
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  and I need to take care of myself and get to bed early.
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  And I, I try and I have a very long bedtime routine, but I get
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  there most of the time early enough to, to get a full, you
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  know, 8-8 hours of sleep. So those are some of my
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  self-care things. And I, I mean, it's hours a day,
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  but it's, it keeps me going and keeps me grounded and alive and,
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  and to show up as the person that I want to be, you know?
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  Yeah. And setting intention is is a
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  big part of it too. Yeah, the first as I was
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  listening to you, the word that kept coming to me, two words,
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  groundedness and presence. You are starting at such a
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  grounded place, such a great foundation, such great
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  stability. So you are going to be able to
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  move forward in your day present refreshed, focused, alert, all
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  of these things that feed into us.
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  And if we all this idea that I don't have time, I'm like, you
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  do have time. And I always tell women, you
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  have time, I'm going to help you find it because we're going to
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  reframe and reshape how you view yourself and how you view your
• 7:01
  time and your calendar and what you're putting into it versus
• 7:04
  what's really aligned with you and serving you.
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  But those components, you know you're worth the investment.
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  You also know what it takes. You've seen the other side of
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  what not doing this looks like. And I, you know, you and I were
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  talking beforehand. So many times we have to hit a
• 7:22
  wall and see others hit a wall before we tend to this, before
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  it gets our attention. Partly because so many things,
• 7:29
  society are the cultural narratives we're getting, the
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  examples that we see, the things we're not taught and told about
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  our Wellness and all that it takes to take care of ourselves.
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  The incorrect things we're told, the prioritizing yourself and
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  putting yourself versus selfish rather than no, no, no, no one
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  wins when I don't take care of me.
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  Nobody, nobody in my life win. And so if we even could switch a
• 7:54
  few of those new areas and get upriver on this, upstream on
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  this, I mean, you, you know that.
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  I mean, you were talking to me about the fact that beforehand
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  that how your father has supported research happening at
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  Stanford right now about helping kids, getting to them when
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  they're young with these mental health, you know, things that
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  they are facing. Let's get upriver and give
• 8:17
  people resources so we don't get to these spaces in places.
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  But so but we live in such a reactionary and throw everything
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  else to the side to get this one goal.
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  And if I do these things on this list, then everything will be
• 8:30
  good. And we completely abandoned
• 8:32
  ourselves and what we actually need in the process.
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  So I love this really conscious, really intentional stabilizing
• 8:40
  routine that you have in place. I think it's just really, that's
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  such a great example of what that can look like.
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  Yeah, and I think too, one of the things when I was sick, I
• 8:53
  and I taught a lot of nervous system regulation techniques.
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  I taught semantics, all that stuff.
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  And I was doing all these practices, limbic system
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  retraining, neuroplasticity stuff, but I really felt like it
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  was so prescriptive. And I always felt this little
• 9:14
  piece missing. That was me and that, you know,
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  we, we, we tend to look at, oh, here's the vagus nerve thing.
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  Here's a nervous system thing, here's a somatic thing.
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  But if we're just doing them to check them off the list and
• 9:33
  we're not really connecting and and and having that come from a
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  place of me and, and creating that, that safety to peel back
• 9:47
  the layers, which we'll get to. But I think that was a that was,
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  you know, there's a lot out there in self-care, but but
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  again, it can feel like we're grasping at things rather than
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  OK, I need to, and I do meditation and and journaling
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  and other things that that really help ground me.
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  And those were the pieces that were kind of missing from the
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  other things that I was doing before to for self-care.
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  But I think it's it's, it's deeper than that because it has
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  to touch us deeply to really be caring for the deepest self.
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  Yeah. And and yeah.
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  And meeting us where we are. I'm so glad you mentioned that
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  because you can do all kinds of things.
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  You can do all the yoga, all the meditation.
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  I was a runner for years. And so I went running everyday.
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  I, I ran, I didn't do the other things, but I did a lot of
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  processing and moving things out.
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  And so I was without intention doing some clearing out mentally
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  and emotionally and working some things out of my body
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  physically, which is probably which kept me from hitting my
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  wall until 50. I probably wouldn't hit it
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  sooner but and it's. Great.
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  That's such a huge, that's a really important coping strategy
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  and I, I don't want to discount that.
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  Yeah, I for sure. But there's but there's more to
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  it. That's, I mean, I think that's
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  what we've both learned is there's more that's not the full
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  piece if you're not making connections in those other
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  spaces. Because I tell people all the
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  time, you know, at the end we'll have some questions that we
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  answer about activities that nourish you and how you want to
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  feel the next six months. We started off with you.
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  You're just, you know, introducing yourself by your
• 11:41
  character traits. Those are things when I'm
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  working with women in groups or individually, I'm like, we're
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  going to start here. We're going to get you a
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  baseline of connecting you back to you and let's see if what
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  you're due, If you have a self-care routine in place, is
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  it meeting you where you actually are?
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  Or is it just the list of things that somebody told you to do so
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  you're doing and they're not. It's probably not hurting you,
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  but you're probably not getting that what you need to be getting
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  out of it because you haven't made that connection to you.
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  So I'd love that you brought that piece up because we can put
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  all the other things on it we want.
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  If we're not finding a connection with it, it's just
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  going to be a checklist item and we're going to come out of it
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  feeling feel like I should feel better than this.
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  I mean, I did all these things and you did all these things
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  consciously, but you didn't necessarily do them with
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  intention of calming your nervous system, clearing your
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  mind, you know, clearing up the noise, allowing space for other
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  things to come in. You know, there's so much power
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  in going outside and breathing the air and listening to the
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  wind and feeling the sunshine on your face or the rain or the
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  snow, whatever it is, the breeze.
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  There's just there's a real healing power that exists with
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  that if you can get yourself present in the moment and really
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  fully invested in that. Yeah, and I think too, you know,
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  you mentioned scarcity, scarcity of time and and most people wake
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  up with that scarcity mindset of there isn't enough time.
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  I did for 20 years. But it when you have that
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  prescriptive list of things, it's here.
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  I've got to get this, this, this, this, this, and it can
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  just, it, it can compile or compound that feeling of
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  scarcity of time. And then it's hard to focus and
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  it's and what's the why? What am I getting out of this?
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  Is this because again, yeah, somebody told me to do it?
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  Or is this because this really helps me to deeply connect with
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  myself and something bigger, you know?
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  So yeah. Yeah, and you don't have to
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  identify where you are sometimes.
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  I don't do this daily as much as I used to when I was really knee
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  deep and unpacking all this, but I still have it.
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  It's still something I lean on, especially when I'm feeling like
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  things I did today that normally meet me or meet me and help me
• 14:11
  aren't meeting me. I need something more.
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  Well, I write down all the emotions I'm feeling and try to
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  like, what is this tied to? What do I need to do to serve
• 14:19
  that that to allow that to move that through?
• 14:21
  Is there a narrative behind this that I need to unlearn and
• 14:24
  unpack? It's trigger me or is it spaced
• 14:26
  out of truth? I mean, yeah, like, OK, so
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  what's what do I need in this moment right now?
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  What am I? You know, what am I not getting
• 14:35
  that I need to pay attention to? Yeah, and I think too, there are
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  times when I'll I'll wake up with tension or I'll notice
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  tension and, and I, I can't think of anything that is giving
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  me that, you know, the source of it.
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  And there's a practice that I do.
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  It's kind of it's about allowing, I just allowing that
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  tension to be here or that fatigue to be here.
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  And it's here. Take a seat.
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  There's a lot else here and it's so it's, it's just our nature to
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  not want to sit with discomfort. Yeah, we don't.
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  We're very uncomfortable. We're very uncomfortable to be
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  uncomfortable. Yes, and everywhere in our
• 15:30
  culture, there are millions of places we can go to get away
• 15:35
  from it or things we can do. And when you sit with it and
• 15:43
  that feeling that and you label it, that can help take some of
• 15:50
  the charge out of it. And when I was overwhelmed by my
• 15:55
  symptoms, that's all I it was all consuming.
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  I couldn't see anything else because the things that scream
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  the loudest are the things that took all of my attention.
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  But. Opening up that curiosity and
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  that awareness of what else is here.
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  You know, you talked about the standing in the sun or the rain
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  or the snow. You know, getting your senses
• 16:17
  involved. It doesn't mean that you're
• 16:19
  running away from how you're feeling.
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  It just means that there's, you know, I think we're, we're like
• 16:24
  a whole beach instead of a single grain of sand that we
• 16:29
  tend to focus on. That is either the symptoms or
• 16:32
  the least attractive thing that about ourselves of the day or
• 16:37
  the negative thinking or inner critic.
• 16:40
  But but really being able to sit with some of that discomfort and
• 16:46
  let it be here instead of resisting it, which actually
• 16:50
  escalates your nervous system. Oh yeah.
• 16:53
  You know, that's a way to calm your system, help you feel
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  safer. And just that moment's
• 17:02
  impermanent. There will be another one, and
• 17:06
  you might feel different. There might be something else
• 17:08
  that that's calling to you. Yeah, yeah, oh so good.
• 17:13
  Thank you so much for all of that.
• 17:15
  And this feeds nicely into confidently setting boundaries.
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  You have a very clear routine that you and you're very like,
• 17:22
  and I'd love to said I feel kind of selfish.
• 17:24
  I'm like, that is not selfish. That's so cool.
• 17:26
  That is you knowing like no, this time's for me.
• 17:30
  I need to feel my I know what I need for me to show up the way I
• 17:34
  want to each day. So I'm going to do this.
• 17:36
  So you have to really clearly defined that for yourself.
• 17:41
  And so I love that that intention and that never
• 17:47
  abandoning yourself in that space because again, been on the
• 17:51
  other side of that doesn't serve you well.
• 17:53
  Talk to me about the journey of understanding the importance of
• 17:58
  setting those intentions, those healthy boundaries for yourself.
• 18:04
  Boundaries that's that's something that I I've I I really
• 18:11
  didn't have a lot of boundaries. I am I grew up with generations
• 18:17
  of guilt and so this the obligatory, you know, you just
• 18:25
  this is what you do. And and and as as women, we are
• 18:31
  conditioned to, you know, say yes.
• 18:35
  And I'm an empath and I take on a lot.
• 18:41
  And that's part of why I left therapy and one-on-one, because
• 18:45
  it was so depleting. And, and I, I've boundaries are
• 18:52
  something that I, I mean, I had to have them around my illness.
• 18:55
  I had to slow down. I had to say no, I couldn't go
• 18:58
  places. I couldn't be around people.
• 19:01
  I, but I still showed up to make dinner every night because I,
• 19:07
  I'm at home, I'm not working. I had the guilt of I'm, you
• 19:12
  know, I'm sick. I can't drive, but I and I leave
• 19:16
  the stove on. But I, I need to do that, you
• 19:20
  know, and so, so boundaries is something that I look at as I
• 19:29
  need to check in with my, my, how I feel and, and also the,
• 19:38
  the intention. So if there's something that I
• 19:40
  just really don't want to do, but it's really important to my
• 19:44
  husband or a friend, then I'm going to do it.
• 19:51
  And I'm going to be, I'm going to show up as my best, you know?
• 19:57
  Yeah. Self as my best self.
• 20:00
  I'm going to I'm going to be authentically there and not
• 20:03
  resent it. Whereas so many times.
• 20:06
  When I said yes, when I wanted to say no, I was so full of
• 20:12
  tension and resentment and the shoulds.
• 20:17
  And I look at boundaries as a part of self-care.
• 20:23
  And when you haven't had boundaries, and then you start
• 20:28
  setting boundaries. And this is funny because I
• 20:33
  started my career in the psych unit and I taught assertiveness
• 20:37
  class and stress class and all of that to people who are on the
• 20:40
  psych unit. And I always said, if you're a
• 20:44
  people pleaser and you turn around and start setting
• 20:50
  boundaries expected to backfire, but that means you're on track
• 20:55
  because people who are used to you always saying yes are going
• 21:00
  to not really respond well when you start.
• 21:05
  Saying no, they're not to you. Saying yes, take it on.
• 21:09
  We can count on her and and it can be really hard.
• 21:15
  That kind of tug. Should I should I am I am I
• 21:19
  being selfish Did it. You know.
• 21:21
  But. But stay true to yourself and
• 21:27
  and it and it and it's about self-care.
• 21:29
  You know we spread ourselves too thin.
• 21:31
  I I was for so many years. And there there's a day of
• 21:36
  reckoning somewhere ahead. If you haven't met it yet, it is
• 21:40
  coming. Yeah.
• 21:43
  Yeah. But I also set boundary.
• 21:46
  Oh, go. Well, I used to say that's why
• 21:48
  you and I are doing this. We don't.
• 21:50
  You don't have to get there. Listen to what we're saying.
• 21:53
  You don't have to get there. Take steps now.
• 21:57
  Yeah. And it can look different for
• 21:59
  for everybody, you know, it's got to work for you.
• 22:03
  But the other piece of boundaries is boundaries around
• 22:09
  myself in terms of my energy. Where am I losing energy and
• 22:17
  being aware of that and calling it back and really addressing
• 22:23
  that as well as the negative self talk, the going down the
• 22:31
  rabbit hole of, oh, here we go, I'm having a flare up.
• 22:34
  What does this mean create going back to those old narratives?
• 22:39
  So there's a lot that I do in terms of just rerouting myself
• 22:47
  with a boundary around we don't do that anymore, you know, and,
• 22:52
  and, and really shifting that, that pathway and it's, you know,
• 22:58
  it's really dependent on how I'm feeling, how much sleep, you
• 23:01
  know, all these things, but boundaries around my
• 23:05
  expectations of myself. How much am I going to get done?
• 23:08
  What am I doing today? So it's, it's really broad.
• 23:12
  It isn't to me. It isn't just around other
• 23:15
  people and their expectations. It's around my expectations to
• 23:18
  myself and, and how I how I can be be kind to myself.
• 23:27
  Yeah. And yeah.
• 23:29
  So good. Yeah.
• 23:30
  Thanks so much for that. That was, yeah, so many things
• 23:33
  there, that being kind to ourselves, knowing our value is
• 23:37
  such a key. And we'll get into that.
• 23:38
  We'll get into expectations and values and why later because
• 23:41
  that's all tightly connected here.
• 23:44
  So hold that thought. But yeah, right now we're going
• 23:47
  to go into taking care of mental health, emotional health,
• 23:51
  physical health. You know this road very well.
• 23:55
  You know this for yourself. You've seen it play out in your
• 23:58
  family in not so in sad ways, in difficult ways.
• 24:04
  So talk to me about your understanding of this.
• 24:06
  You've worked in this, this mental health world like you
• 24:09
  very clearly understand and have a connection to this.
• 24:13
  And also, you and I were talking before we got on today.
• 24:17
  There are still so many stigmas in so many places where people
• 24:22
  feel isolated, alone, not safe in being honest and open about
• 24:28
  what they're dealing with and getting and asking for the help
• 24:31
  and resources and support they need.
• 24:33
  And so these conversations are so important to continue to open
• 24:38
  doors, to continue to invite people in, to walk through that
• 24:42
  door, to feel safe, to not feel judged or stigmatized, and just
• 24:47
  in getting rid of the language and the microaggressions that
• 24:51
  still exist around so many of these mental health diagnosis
• 24:57
  that are out there. So, so talk to me about this
• 25:00
  journey of yours of learning to take care of your own mental,
• 25:06
  physical, emotional health and knowing the connection that
• 25:08
  exists within them and, and also how you've seen it play out in
• 25:13
  your own family and how that has motivated you to be so committed
• 25:17
  to the way you show up in the world today.
• 25:22
  Yeah, wow, there's a lot. There's a lot there, Melissa.
• 25:25
  I know, I know. I just, I just gave you the
• 25:28
  massive semester final. Like, yeah.
• 25:31
  Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
• 25:36
  I mean, you know, we talked a little bit growing up.
• 25:41
  I was in a perfectionist family growing up and I, I never felt
• 25:48
  like enough. And, and I, and I see that still
• 25:54
  playing out in terms of, you know, my dad being a
• 25:57
  perfectionist. And to me, that is about
• 26:01
  perfectionism is about not not feeling enough.
• 26:06
  And it's these unrealistic standards that we set for
• 26:11
  ourselves that drive us. And I, I call myself a
• 26:17
  recovering perfectionist, but it's, there's a cost and it's,
• 26:25
  and what is it costing to strive for it?
• 26:31
  I, I went for the master's degree and the advanced
• 26:38
  certifications that require, you know, 10 months of studying and,
• 26:43
  and an exam and, and wanting to be the best that I can possibly
• 26:48
  be, which I don't think is a bad thing.
• 26:51
  But when you tie your identity to it, then you can run into
• 26:58
  problems with like I did when I got stripped of all of the
• 27:02
  things that I went for in terms of my achievements in my life.
• 27:07
  When I was, when I got sick and I lost my career and I couldn't
• 27:12
  ride my bike and I couldn't drive and do the things, you
• 27:17
  know, just daily tasks were, were monumental for me.
• 27:22
  And when your identity is tied up in that which our culture
• 27:27
  really, that is a very, you know, dominant narrative.
• 27:32
  Yeah. And, and and that's gone.
• 27:35
  The the rug has come out from under you.
• 27:39
  What is left? You know, who who are you?
• 27:43
  And it's funny when you you know, when you ask a person, you
• 27:47
  know, who are you? Well, I'm a I'm a sister.
• 27:51
  I'm a architect, I'm a athlete. I'm, you know, well, those are
• 27:56
  all labels. Yeah, they give you all their
• 27:59
  titles and roles. And that's not you.
• 28:02
  Like, who are you? And and that's that.
• 28:07
  Losing it all is what forced me to go inside to find who I am.
• 28:15
  You know, society doesn't teach us how to be ourselves.
• 28:20
  They don't even encourage. No.
• 28:22
  You're, you're told from very early on of all the ways you're
• 28:26
  not showing up the way you're supposed to.
• 28:27
  I mean, I think we all between like ages 4 and 6 for is where
• 28:32
  it showed up for me. And I think it's for a lot of
• 28:35
  people 3-4 and and look at yourself at your 3 and 4 versus
• 28:40
  5 or 6 or 7. There's a there's a shift most
• 28:44
  of the time because you've started realizing you started
• 28:48
  seeing the messages that are happening around you and
• 28:51
  adjusted yourself to fit the narrative that is happening
• 28:56
  instead of just feeling free to continue to be that whoever you
• 29:00
  were as your authentic self at 3:00 and 4:00.
• 29:04
  Right, and having parents that celebrate who you are and really
• 29:09
  support and encourage that. And, and I think that takes a
• 29:15
  pretty evolved parent, you know, and, and, and I and I look at
• 29:21
  people who have had that kind of parenting and I think, wow,
• 29:26
  they're really confident, independent people.
• 29:30
  And I mean, I'm independent and I'm confident now that I've
• 29:34
  found who I am and I've done a done a lot of work and re
• 29:38
  parented myself. But it's, it's really, and I and
• 29:43
  I actually take pride in not being normal, you know, outside
• 29:51
  of it. It tells me great.
• 29:54
  I don't want to be the herd. I want to be mean, you know, and
• 29:58
  I think it and that's part of the whole problem we have with
• 30:04
  mental health these days, too, is you're you're getting it from
• 30:08
  everywhere. It's so saturated.
• 30:12
  And I'm so glad that, you know, I didn't grow up with social
• 30:16
  media. I mean it can be so toxic.
• 30:19
  It's a whole other. Layer of an issue, yeah and
• 30:24
  especially at times where you're you're you know, your hormones
• 30:29
  and you're taken over by you're impressionable and you know,
• 30:32
  it's it's exactly it does start young and and if you can work
• 30:38
  with kids so they don't get to the point where so many adults
• 30:43
  are or just numbing themselves. As.
• 30:46
  Adults because no time to go inward or don't want to see
• 30:51
  what's there. And so I think it's it's been an
• 30:56
  evolution for me. I knew that I I never felt
• 31:00
  enough. That wasn't a revelation to me
• 31:03
  through my illness journey, but it was something that I always
• 31:08
  compensated so much for. Before presentations, before a
• 31:14
  complex patient, I'd study, I'd way over, think things over,
• 31:19
  prepare. I'd Mull over a decision
• 31:22
  forever. And once I got to that
• 31:26
  acceptance, all those compensations fell away.
• 31:32
  It was so freeing. It was like, wow, OK, I don't
• 31:37
  have to prop myself up anymore to to give this illusion of who
• 31:42
  I am, you know? Yeah, Oh my gosh, that's so so
• 31:49
  we learned. So, you know, it's unfortunate.
• 31:51
  And it's like, that's why I'm so passionate about getting this
• 31:54
  framework I talked about into girls in women's hands early on
• 31:58
  is because I don't want you to have to learn the hard way.
• 32:02
  But you know when you hit rock bottom, when every like you
• 32:04
  said, when you hit the and and all these things come to a, you
• 32:08
  know, to a head and you have no choice.
• 32:11
  It's very when you are start unpacking things and start
• 32:14
  realizing all that you've been carrying that you don't need to
• 32:18
  carry. It's like the physical
• 32:21
  manifestation of lightness is startling at first.
• 32:25
  Like holy cow, I had no idea I was so heavy and bogged down
• 32:34
  with that. Like when you can physically
• 32:37
  feel that movement, that release, it's it's eye opening.
• 32:42
  It is just that eye open. It really is.
• 32:46
  And I think too, you know, it's, it's not like, OK, I'm here and
• 32:52
  I don't have to do anymore. You know, it's, it's ongoing
• 32:56
  because we're in a dynamic world and really having, you know,
• 33:02
  realizing I, I love this saying and it and some people say it's
• 33:07
  Viktor Frankel, but there isn't anywhere that it's been found in
• 33:10
  his writing. But somewhere between the
• 33:12
  stimulus and the response, there is a space.
• 33:16
  And in that space lies your freedom and your power.
• 33:22
  And that's, you know, the research shows that in order to
• 33:28
  access our prefrontal cortex, we need about 30 seconds, whereas
• 33:33
  our react, you know, reactive primitive brain, it's faster
• 33:38
  than reflexive. I mean, it's 22 milliseconds, if
• 33:42
  if even that. And by having an awareness of
• 33:49
  yourself and pausing to choose how you respond to whatever it
• 33:57
  is has been a huge, a big piece of my ability to kind of
• 34:04
  regulate emotion. And there's definitely
• 34:08
  triggering things that I, I'm having a little inner dialogue
• 34:13
  with myself, like, OK, just breathe, be open.
• 34:19
  You know, when we have things we're very passionate about and
• 34:22
  then someone takes an alternative stance without being
• 34:27
  as informed or whatever. You know, it's hard to, I just
• 34:31
  feel like all, all the nervous system, but then it's but but I
• 34:38
  OK, just breathe with it and, and, and you can only do you and
• 34:44
  what's your intention and, you know, respond.
• 34:48
  I want to choose how I respond. I don't want my primitive brain
• 34:53
  to choose how I respond. And and that pathway, the more
• 34:59
  you do it, the faster it is, the easier it is to call upon it and
• 35:06
  to know awareness. And, you know, I don't make the
• 35:09
  right choice every time, but at least it's more like watching a
• 35:12
  train wreck in slow motion. Then I say something that I
• 35:16
  don't mean. And I, you know, it's, I see
• 35:20
  myself going there and I say, yeah, I'm choosing that.
• 35:23
  I'm choosing to go there. Here we go.
• 35:26
  Yeah, I know it's not great, but but I'm not perfect and I'm, I'm
• 35:32
  doing the best I can and I'm going to screw up.
• 35:34
  But but yeah, I think I think that's that's a really big piece
• 35:40
  of processing emotions for me is just is being really aware and
• 35:47
  in touch with myself and and how it feels in my body.
• 35:53
  Yeah, yeah. The intentionality again, such a
• 35:55
  key component and power of the pause.
• 35:58
  We underestimate the power of the pause.
• 36:01
  That is some a theme that's continuing to come up on
• 36:04
  episodes lately. Like I think you're going to
• 36:07
  tell me something too. But I mean, there's because that
• 36:10
  is, you know, we live in such a reactionary society in such a
• 36:14
  reactionary environment right now, especially if it feels like
• 36:19
  more reactionary as or at least as reactionary as I've seen in
• 36:23
  my lifetime. Like everybody pause and let's
• 36:28
  think this through. Let's think about impact.
• 36:30
  And I need this for myself every day.
• 36:32
  And, and, but that power of the pause, because then you just
• 36:37
  take a moment and and assess impact assess.
• 36:43
  You know how this is going to, you know, looking down the road,
• 36:48
  OK, what am I going to have to do energy wise to repair if I
• 36:55
  keep moving down this road versus pausing and making a
• 36:59
  different choice or even recognizing you said earlier,
• 37:02
  even recognizing that we have a choice is free like.
• 37:06
  Yeah, and, and who do you want to be?
• 37:08
  Who do you want to show up as? There are times when my husband
• 37:13
  will say something and I, and I think, you know, I want to come
• 37:18
  from a place of love and compassion and I'm, I'm going to
• 37:24
  choose that and, and, and make my response from that place.
• 37:31
  And why does it make me feel better about who I am?
• 37:35
  And it makes him feel better and he's less reactive.
• 37:39
  And that's the thing. If we're aware of, of, of
• 37:43
  ourselves and how we have so much power.
• 37:49
  And if I don't respond defensively, but I respond
• 37:54
  instead with an openness or a curiosity or a kindness, that's
• 37:59
  going to disarm their defenses. They're expecting you to come
• 38:04
  after them with your defenses. But that doesn't build bridges
• 38:09
  and it doesn't make people, you know, disarmed and be able to
• 38:16
  access that part of the brain and be able to have a
• 38:19
  conversation. And I think that's a big thing
• 38:22
  that's missing. We're, so we're, we stand so
• 38:28
  strongly in our convictions that we're willing to defend them at
• 38:34
  the cost of, you know, trying to be the change that we want in
• 38:41
  the world. And I think it's better to be,
• 38:44
  you know, do you want to be right or do you want to be in
• 38:46
  relationship? And, and I, and I think, you
• 38:50
  know, everybody's got their own perspective.
• 38:53
  Nobody knows exactly where someone's coming from and if if
• 38:59
  we can check ourselves and choose where we want to come
• 39:03
  from. Yeah.
• 39:05
  That's the, that's the beginning.
• 39:08
  You know, you can only do you, Melissa.
• 39:10
  You can't. You can't change anybody else.
• 39:12
  But you can approach conflict or approach a situation from a
• 39:21
  place of openness and, you know, curiosity instead of
• 39:28
  defensiveness. That curiosity word, I, I talk
• 39:32
  about it a lot on here. It's been a key component of my
• 39:34
  journey. Curiosity over judgement.
• 39:37
  We talked about yesterday. I did, you know, I hosted a
• 39:40
  panel yesterday where we talked about if you can stop for a
• 39:44
  minute, pause and approach situations with love and
• 39:48
  curiosity, you're not ever going to go wrong.
• 39:52
  You might not get everything, but you're at least going to
• 39:55
  open the door for conversations instead of closing the door.
• 40:00
  You're going to understand and see the nuance and how someone's
• 40:04
  story informs and how they landed in a space.
• 40:08
  And then maybe from there, when you show each other compassion,
• 40:11
  A willingness to listen, a willingness to be curious rather
• 40:15
  than judgmental, then you. And that's something I'm I'm
• 40:20
  learning every day and then I'm learning how to practice because
• 40:23
  that is not my natural way of being.
• 40:25
  And I think it just that pause though, but I don't think it's a
• 40:28
  lot of our natural ways of being it takes.
• 40:30
  I don't think it is. Yeah, I look around and I don't.
• 40:34
  I don't think it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 40:37
  I, I feel like we're on autopilot.
• 40:40
  I mean, I don't feel like it's true.
• 40:43
  It is I disassociate. Spend of the time.
• 40:45
  Yes. And so, you know, I mean, I felt
• 40:49
  like I was sleepwalking through life and I felt like I was
• 40:53
  pretty connected, but I clearly wasn't, you know, and, and I
• 40:59
  think it's, it's that coupled with we're, we're in this rat
• 41:03
  race, feeling scarcity, feeling defensive.
• 41:07
  And we don't have time and, and we just, we just react.
• 41:12
  We don't have the space to, to, to contemplate or to, OK, it's
• 41:20
  too much work to think about where, where are you coming
• 41:23
  from? What is this like for you?
• 41:25
  So I just, I'm, I'm just going to, you know, react to it.
• 41:30
  Yeah. It just actually adds more to
• 41:32
  the issue than if you took the time to POTS.
• 41:35
  I mean, it's so it's interesting how our brains work and we don't
• 41:38
  see that connection. Thank you so much.
• 41:40
  There's so, so many good points there.
• 41:43
  And this goes nicely into and really the, and this is really
• 41:47
  going to be an opportunity for you to talk about what you offer
• 41:50
  and how you support you show up in the world today because it
• 41:53
  goes so seamlessly with this next talking point, how we can
• 41:56
  support ourselves and other women in living.
• 42:00
  And apologetically, everything you do pours into this.
• 42:04
  So, so talk about that and how you decided this is the
• 42:08
  direction that I want to go for me and also for the others that
• 42:13
  this is going to support and help and serve.
• 42:17
  Yeah, well, I never set out to build anything.
• 42:21
  And it just, it kind of came to me one day, unshakeable me.
• 42:27
  But I it, it's my journey of making that decision to go
• 42:34
  inward because I was at a point where I had no doctor, I had no
• 42:39
  diagnosis, I had no treatment plan.
• 42:41
  And I was, I was very alone and, and just so filled with despair.
• 42:46
  And I had been looking for answers and didn't find any.
• 42:51
  And it was the question that I asked myself that that was a
• 42:57
  real turning point. And that was what am I believing
• 42:59
  about my ability to heal? And, and the raw truth of that
• 43:06
  was that I, I wasn't believing that I would heal and that I
• 43:10
  would continue to get worse because that was the trajectory
• 43:13
  I was on. And that was a really, that was
• 43:18
  a painful reality to sit with. Talk about sitting with your
• 43:23
  discomfort. And, and in that moment, I, I
• 43:27
  thought, I, I am it. I need to believe in me and I
• 43:34
  need to believe in my ability to heal.
• 43:37
  And I made that that vow to myself.
• 43:42
  I had no idea what it would look like.
• 43:44
  I had no idea what I was doing because most of my life I hadn't
• 43:49
  believed in myself. And and I just every day I
• 43:55
  journaled what am I believing? And I and I created new
• 44:00
  narratives of healing and I put sticky notes all over believe,
• 44:06
  believe. I had anchors believe, believe.
• 44:09
  Every time fear told me I wouldn't get better, I, I
• 44:12
  replaced it with belief, belief, belief, belief.
• 44:16
  And this took years to, to really start that relationship
• 44:26
  with myself. And it was kind of like meeting
• 44:33
  myself for the first time because I had, I had, I had
• 44:39
  never kind of gone through the layers of of me and all the
• 44:48
  vulnerabilities and meeting them with acceptance and meeting them
• 44:53
  with compassion. And what that built over the
• 44:59
  years was this what I call my unshakable me.
• 45:03
  And that's the part of you that is enough.
• 45:07
  It's the part of you that always loves you and wants the best for
• 45:14
  you and is rooting for you. It's always there.
• 45:19
  It's it's that deep well of strength and of joy.
• 45:24
  I've experienced more joy and freedom and possibility that
• 45:29
  I've ever imagined that I've had a good life.
• 45:33
  But this, this part of me has become this ally, and that
• 45:40
  partnership with myself has given so much courage and power
• 45:47
  to step out of my comfort zone, to finally use my voice and not
• 45:53
  be afraid of what other people think.
• 45:57
  And that connection is, is at the root of Unshakable Me, which
• 46:04
  is my program for women to really connect with themselves
• 46:09
  and rewrite the limiting stories and beliefs that keep them
• 46:16
  captive and live with greater clarity and purpose and
• 46:22
  possibility. But at the root of it, it, if
• 46:26
  you don't have that deep connection with yourself and,
• 46:32
  and believe that I've got the courage, I, I deserve this to
• 46:40
  live, to live, to live, to really embrace life, then I
• 46:47
  think it's hard to live unapologetically and
• 46:51
  authentically. So I, I just think anything you
• 46:55
  can do today to support yourself, you know, look in the
• 47:00
  mirror at how you know, really look in the mirror and I love
• 47:07
  you. I, I see so hard, you know, so
• 47:10
  hard. My body is working to heal.
• 47:12
  I am so excited about. What you did today?
• 47:17
  Or, you know, whatever it is, but as much as you can really
• 47:24
  give yourself the compassion that you would give a friend who
• 47:28
  would ask for help, that is, that's how you really step into
• 47:36
  your power and really blossom and live fully.
• 47:42
  And that's, that's, that's my belief.
• 47:46
  And that's this acceptance and it's connection.
• 47:48
  And, and it allows your, you to have the most incredible
• 47:52
  relationships because you're so connected to yourself and you
• 47:57
  know what you've been through and you, you afford that went
• 48:01
  with others. You know, you give them
• 48:03
  compassion because you see the pain they're struggling with.
• 48:08
  And it, it, it's just this big open door.
• 48:12
  It's to the horizon of of just possibility.
• 48:17
  Yeah. Well, and you, when you're able
• 48:19
  to do that, when you realize and I, I've said I've talked about
• 48:24
  this a lot lately. We have it all within us, we if
• 48:28
  we can. Just get.
• 48:31
  Tap into ourselves and open ourselves up to that possibility
• 48:34
  and believe in ourselves. And that, I mean, that's exactly
• 48:38
  what you did. You were like, OK, I got nowhere
• 48:42
  to go but up here. And I'm, but I'm, I'm not
• 48:45
  throwing in the towel on myself. I'm not going to do that.
• 48:48
  I'm going to, I'm choosing differently.
• 48:51
  And then you were able to do the hard work because this is hard
• 48:54
  work. It's a choice every day.
• 48:58
  Absolutely. You know, it doesn't happen
• 49:00
  overnight. It takes time.
• 49:03
  But when you're able to do that and tap into it, then I think
• 49:06
  it's just a natural overflow and outflow that you want to provide
• 49:10
  that resource to others because you know what's possible.
• 49:14
  Yeah. I mean, I, I, I, I want this for
• 49:19
  everyone. I want everybody to feel this
• 49:23
  just in I mean, this lightness of being this and you know, I
• 49:28
  have hard days. I'm not going to floss that
• 49:30
  over, but but they're different, you know, I I'm, I just meet
• 49:37
  them differently And, and I feel like, I mean, I found my
• 49:42
  purpose. I want to help people connect
• 49:45
  with themselves so we can connect with each other and
• 49:49
  really help our world and nature.
• 49:52
  I mean, that's a huge, huge thing for me.
• 49:56
  But it's this conditioning that everything is outside ourselves
• 50:01
  and and that's the quick fix, the instant gratification.
• 50:07
  And, you know, I think of changing my belief as it's a,
• 50:12
  it's a living Organism and it needs to be nurtured and
• 50:16
  cultivated every day in some way.
• 50:21
  And it's growing and changing. And some days it's, it's a
• 50:24
  little like wilted and other days it's, it's up toward the
• 50:28
  sun. And it's this kind of evolution,
• 50:33
  this unfolding that will be for the rest of my life.
• 50:37
  But I'm excited about it. Like I love it and I, I can't
• 50:40
  get enough of it. I'm just like, so I, I, yeah, I
• 50:44
  want to shout it from mountaintops.
• 50:46
  I want to, I want to do the whole Sound of Music thing
• 50:50
  because it's, it's such a rich way to live.
• 50:55
  Like I feel like I'm living. I feel like it's right Color.
• 50:58
  I was in black and white for 50 years and now I'm in Technicolor
• 51:03
  and it's it's amazing. Yeah, yeah.
• 51:07
  Thank you so much for sharing all that.
• 51:08
  I'm so good and really goes nicely into it, helped you
• 51:13
  really understand and connect with your why and your values
• 51:16
  and have what you do. This really this journey really
• 51:19
  informed that. Where would you say your why and
• 51:22
  values were before this versus after it?
• 51:27
  Well before my why was doing, you know, all the doing, doing,
• 51:33
  doing and, and my why now is being, being, being present,
• 51:39
  being intentional, being authentic, being a leader.
• 51:45
  It's, it's, it's just daily setting intention for, you know,
• 51:52
  living to my highest good and the highest good of all and, and
• 51:58
  being present. And I was, I mean, I was
• 52:00
  1,000,000 miles from myself. I was too busy, you know,
• 52:05
  pushing through, Pushing, pushing, pushing, yes.
• 52:09
  And I think too, when you're, when, especially when you're
• 52:12
  competitive and you, you're like, you get this.
• 52:16
  And in our generation especially, I mean, no pain, no
• 52:18
  gain, keep pushing harder, see what you're made of.
• 52:22
  You know, you've got more in you than you think you do too.
• 52:26
  And that is true to a degree, but we push ourselves physically
• 52:31
  to just these points beyond where we're not.
• 52:34
  Our bodies are sending us messages.
• 52:36
  I need some food, I need some water.
• 52:38
  I need some sleep. I need some rest.
• 52:39
  I need a vacation. I need a chance to recharge.
• 52:42
  And we just keep pushing, pushing, pushing because culture
• 52:45
  rewards that. We wear this like a badge of
• 52:49
  honor. And especially when you're used
• 52:51
  to winning and competing and, you know, it's interesting
• 52:55
  trying to create healthy cultures even around around that
• 52:59
  piece. I mean, my husband and I were
• 53:00
  both athletes, My daughters were all athletes.
• 53:03
  And so how do you cultivate these cultures of Wellness
• 53:07
  within that? And then trying to, you know, if
• 53:10
  then looking at yourselves when you finally hit the wall and hit
• 53:13
  the burnout and you realize this way of being is not serving me
• 53:18
  and it's not serving anyone around me.
• 53:20
  And I've got to really get clear and redefine and unlearn and
• 53:27
  relearn what actually is healthy, what actually is
• 53:31
  showing up as my full self, my full and the healthiest way I
• 53:35
  want to be. Because, you know, all these
• 53:38
  other ways that I've been told are the healthiest physical way
• 53:41
  to exist in the world. I'm crushed and burned.
• 53:43
  I yeah, it didn't, didn't work. And so.
• 53:47
  Well, yeah, yeah. And that can be a big.
• 53:50
  Job. We glorify it.
• 53:52
  We do whoever, whoever gets the least amount of sleep, works the
• 53:57
  hardest, has this busiest schedule.
• 54:00
  Oh, they're doing it. They're killing it.
• 54:02
  They're killing it. And they're killing themselves.
• 54:05
  Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 54:09
  And and it's seen it time and time again.
• 54:11
  And I do see, I do see the generations of like my three
• 54:15
  daughters, they have a very different way of making choices
• 54:19
  in the world about how their work connects to their quality
• 54:22
  of life, connects to what they do outside of their work.
• 54:26
  There's much more they're taking a much more holistic view of at
• 54:31
  that then my husband and I did, then our generation did.
• 54:35
  And they just are like, I see what mom and dad did.
• 54:39
  That was certainly a step in a forward from where our
• 54:42
  grandparents were. But there was still some real
• 54:46
  issues here. And we're these just, we're not
• 54:48
  going to go down that road. That's so healthy.
• 54:52
  Yeah, and they're and seeing the fact that your mom and dad kind
• 54:55
  of fell apart a little bit about midstream along the way and
• 55:00
  it's. Good for them to see that.
• 55:02
  Oh for sure, for sure. And and that realization and
• 55:05
  then act on it. But I, I see that across the
• 55:07
  board in, in this generation, though, they're, they're seeing,
• 55:10
  but I also, you know, our generation is finally saying,
• 55:15
  no, you know, we've hit these balls because it's not like the
• 55:19
  generations ahead of us didn't hit these walls.
• 55:21
  But I think we're opening the doors to more language around it
• 55:25
  and not having to do it in silence.
• 55:27
  And we finally are just like, this is not serving us.
• 55:31
  We, we have to stop this train. We have to reroute this and get
• 55:36
  off this track and make a new, different, healthier track.
• 55:40
  I mean, this is not the way to exist.
• 55:43
  And we're seeing across the board and how we talk about
• 55:46
  mental health, how we talk about menopause, how we talk about
• 55:49
  heart health, women, so many narratives like no, no, no, no.
• 55:55
  We're not just going to accept the answer of, oh, that's just
• 55:57
  the way it is. No, no, that's the way it has
• 56:01
  been. That doesn't mean it's the way
• 56:02
  it has to be. So we are disrupting, but it
• 56:06
  makes me excited. I feel like we're disrupting and
• 56:08
  we're opening the door and I feel like the generations to
• 56:11
  come are going to really just run, Sprint through to it and
• 56:16
  have a better quality of life because of it.
• 56:19
  Yeah, I mean, our mortality age is, is 77.
• 56:25
  I mean, it's going down, you know, and, and I have several
• 56:29
  friends who've gotten breast cancer at 50 or under and it's,
• 56:35
  it's really playing out in so many people's health.
• 56:41
  And, and I think it's, you know, it, it for a lot of people, you
• 56:48
  have to hit the wall for it to initiate change because change
• 56:55
  is hard. It's easy to say, well, I'd
• 56:57
  rather stay unhappy and stuck in a job that I hate for the
• 57:02
  stability than to I don't even know what I would want to do.
• 57:07
  I don't even I you know, and I think it's getting in touch with
• 57:10
  yourself and and you get one life in this body.
• 57:15
  And so you know, what are you? What are you doing?
• 57:20
  Yeah, yeah. What's it?
• 57:21
  For what's the, what's the meaning there?
• 57:24
  Yeah. There's got to be I I remember
• 57:27
  even before I had the my crash at 50, I was like 8 at 47 a
• 57:32
  couple years before where I started thinking I'm like,
• 57:36
  something's not right here. I should be more content than I
• 57:40
  am. I should have more joy than I
• 57:43
  do. I shouldn't live in this
• 57:45
  foreboding joy waiting for the shoe to drop narrative.
• 57:49
  What is going on here? And so it was, it was happening
• 57:54
  in my head, but I just didn't know how to tap into it.
• 57:57
  And so I kept kind of picking away at it.
• 57:59
  And then, but then it just we had a few things happen.
• 58:03
  We had some moves and some different things that came up in
• 58:07
  life, life. And all of a sudden, a couple
• 58:10
  years later, I went, you know, crashed into the wall.
• 58:13
  And, and it was then that I was like, oh, you know, I was
• 58:18
  addressing these nudges, but I was just kind of, I was asking
• 58:21
  the question, but I wasn't looking for the answer because
• 58:24
  looking for the answer scared me because I didn't know what was
• 58:29
  behind that door. And it wasn't until the crash
• 58:32
  that I'm like, kind of don't have a choice now.
• 58:34
  And yeah, you know, and how am I going to pick myself up from
• 58:38
  this? And also my husband look at me
• 58:40
  and saying, listen, I have watched you carry this load our
• 58:44
  whole marriage and this buddy anxiety has been a long standing
• 58:50
  partner in hyper vigilance and keeping you safe.
• 58:53
  But you're safe. So it's time to have a
• 58:56
  conversation with your nervous system and yourself to let like,
• 59:00
  we don't have to exist like this anymore.
• 59:03
  And, and I think, you know, I, I went into it with Ohio, I'm
• 59:08
  going to go to a therapist for six months.
• 59:09
  I'm going to get some tools. I'm going to come out and I'm
• 59:11
  going to live my life. And here I am, you know, 5 1/2
• 59:15
  years later, still going to therapy, still unpacking the
• 59:18
  layers, but man, and such a different space than I could
• 59:24
  have ever imagined I could be in.
• 59:27
  So you know, Heidi, and I think a lot of.
• 59:31
  People put it off. Yes.
• 59:33
  Yes, yeah, and a lot of people say when I retire or when I get
• 59:40
  the promotion or when I when I when I when I and and and that
• 59:46
  that never cut you know when is that going to come?
• 59:48
  Why not now? You know you can find little
• 59:51
  bits of joy every day. It doesn't, it's not mutually
• 59:55
  exclusive from the everyday things that you have or even the
• 1:00:01
  pain in your life. You know, it's they can all be
• 1:00:04
  here. And I think it's, it's, it's
• 1:00:06
  easier to just put up with a less than fulfilling life than
• 1:00:15
  to, to really get out of the comfort zone and see what's
• 1:00:22
  possible. And you might fail and and.
• 1:00:27
  That's you know, that's life. You learn from it.
• 1:00:30
  You. Do and it's just that that
• 1:00:35
  safety that that we we like and it's our, you know, it's our
• 1:00:40
  DNA. It's it's it's, you know, served
• 1:00:43
  us well. We're still here on the planet.
• 1:00:46
  But it takes that. And and I was going to say,
• 1:00:48
  Melissa, you know, it takes that awareness.
• 1:00:51
  Yeah, if if you're not aware and you're just going with the
• 1:00:56
  script, then you know it's it's. Yeah, you cannot.
• 1:01:02
  You can express the things that you don't acknowledge and
• 1:01:04
  aren't, you don't need to awareness for sure.
• 1:01:06
  And it's very easy to stay comfortable in in, in that
• 1:01:10
  space. Our nervous system likes
• 1:01:12
  comfort, even if it's completely unhealthy for us.
• 1:01:15
  I mean, yes, we, you know, even if we're surrounded with very
• 1:01:20
  trauma bond relation and codependent relationships, it's
• 1:01:23
  what our nervous system knows. And so that's why sometimes you
• 1:01:26
  talked about it with boundaries earlier.
• 1:01:28
  When you start showing up differently, when you start
• 1:01:30
  responding differently or not responding, or you know your
• 1:01:33
  nervous system at first is going to be like wait a minute, wait a
• 1:01:36
  minute. Yeah.
• 1:01:38
  Go back. Go back.
• 1:01:39
  Yeah. Exactly, exactly.
• 1:01:41
  And it's like, no, no, no, no. We're learning and learning.
• 1:01:44
  I'm here for you. I don't need you to protect me
• 1:01:47
  in this way anymore. I'm in a safe space now.
• 1:01:50
  It's time to thank you for how you served me.
• 1:01:53
  Yeah. It's OK for you to step aside.
• 1:01:56
  So that can be it. So we're good?
• 1:01:58
  Yeah. Exactly.
• 1:01:59
  Exactly. Well, and that feeds into, you
• 1:02:02
  know, living out of your own expectations versus others.
• 1:02:05
  You were able to make that shift.
• 1:02:07
  You were able to move into that space with this this this
• 1:02:12
  renewal and intention that you spent with yourself.
• 1:02:16
  Talk to me about that expectations journey and how it
• 1:02:20
  feels now to be living out of your own versus others.
• 1:02:26
  I mean, it feels, it feels like I'm choosing my life versus
• 1:02:31
  living a script that I see so many people around me living
• 1:02:39
  and, and, and I'm OK with with being different.
• 1:02:44
  And it's funny because, you know, I look the same on the
• 1:02:47
  outside, but I feel so different inside and, and I love it.
• 1:02:53
  It's kind of like my, you know, my little, my little secret with
• 1:02:57
  myself. But but one of the things that
• 1:03:00
  I, I do on expectations is, is just that ability to adapt and
• 1:03:10
  flex the expectations that I have of myself because I, I
• 1:03:17
  still have in some way, you know, this really, it's a
• 1:03:21
  delusion really in terms of the amount of time it takes to do
• 1:03:26
  things. I mean, I wear all the hats of
• 1:03:29
  my business. And so I think, oh, this will,
• 1:03:32
  you know, I have a little IT problem.
• 1:03:34
  It'll take me an hour or whatever.
• 1:03:36
  Well, it's half the day or more than half the day, and then I'm
• 1:03:39
  like. OK, I'm going to.
• 1:03:42
  Stop and and one of my big problems Speaking of boundaries
• 1:03:46
  back to boundaries is is ending work at, you know, 5 or 6, but
• 1:03:53
  I'll work till 7 or 8 even, you know, later and on weekends.
• 1:03:58
  And so it's, it's saying, OK, adjust expectations and unless
• 1:04:06
  it's a deliverable, then you're done at this hour and that's it,
• 1:04:14
  put it away. And I have a really hard time
• 1:04:16
  with that. And I, and on weekends, I, I
• 1:04:19
  think I can, you know, my husband will have a little
• 1:04:22
  powwow in the morning. And what, So what it, what's on
• 1:04:26
  your list today and what's on my list today?
• 1:04:28
  And, and, and exercise is always, you know, kind of at the
• 1:04:32
  top, but I'll have, you know, well, I'm going to dig up the
• 1:04:37
  bamboo and I'm going to vacuum the house and grocery shop and
• 1:04:41
  laundry, you know, and it's just this, OK, good luck with that
• 1:04:45
  because that's just wait, you know, so it's, it's taking the
• 1:04:49
  list and really looking at what are the priorities.
• 1:04:53
  And, and I, I need to get the house in a state where it's I'm
• 1:04:59
  not yeah, this is driving me nuts.
• 1:05:03
  But at the same time, it's about self-care and taking that time
• 1:05:08
  off to play, to laugh, to refuel and not have it be about the
• 1:05:18
  shoulds and the work and the whatever and, and being OK with
• 1:05:21
  that, you know, letting it, letting it go and being OK with
• 1:05:25
  letting it go. So my expectations are different
• 1:05:29
  from from society, but I still it's an ongoing tug of war with
• 1:05:36
  what's real and what's delusion. I understand that completely.
• 1:05:41
  It's really hard. And I think especially when your
• 1:05:43
  work is something you're so passionate about, like me, I
• 1:05:46
  sometimes like, I'll cross that line and then all of a sudden
• 1:05:51
  I'm like, God, I'm really tired. I'm really feeling today, I'm
• 1:05:53
  like, you have an honor to the fact that you want this to
• 1:05:56
  continue to be something the lights, you wept, you feel
• 1:05:59
  invigorated. You still got to fill your cup.
• 1:06:01
  You still got to take that time to do that and be intentional
• 1:06:05
  about that and not let that blur that you still need to take
• 1:06:10
  those intentional spaces away so you can come back fulfilled.
• 1:06:15
  Fresh. Thinking of, you know, the
• 1:06:17
  creativity, you know, feeling, you know, flowing around and
• 1:06:21
  moving like it should because you have been.
• 1:06:23
  So I understand that very much. And yeah, it's I see time, time.
• 1:06:28
  It's like we, we share these resources because we need the
• 1:06:33
  first and foremost. We created the first for
• 1:06:35
  ourselves and now we're offering them up to you.
• 1:06:37
  But don't be mistaken, we're utilizing these and having to
• 1:06:41
  remind ourselves of these things all the time.
• 1:06:44
  All right, you've addressed this a lot throughout already, but
• 1:06:47
  accepting the layered aspects of ourselves, you really had to
• 1:06:52
  take that dive and really do that.
• 1:06:55
  And you and I were talking about before where you've seen
• 1:06:58
  generations ahead of you, just, they were only able to go so far
• 1:07:02
  with it, or even other people in your family where if they just
• 1:07:05
  weren't able to take that journey and, and, and the tragic
• 1:07:12
  results of that. And so you've, that impacts the
• 1:07:16
  way you see things and the way you approach things and how you
• 1:07:20
  realize this is really important.
• 1:07:22
  And if I don't take the time to do this, there's going to be a
• 1:07:27
  real impact here. That's going to be something
• 1:07:30
  that is, I don't want to go down.
• 1:07:31
  I've seen what can happen here and I'm not willing to take
• 1:07:34
  myself down that road. I know I, I, I know I can be
• 1:07:38
  healthier. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:07:42
  And I think it's it, it is it, it's a big generational thing.
• 1:07:49
  I and, and I see it, you know, like we said, I see it playing
• 1:07:55
  out in my dad with his PTSD from childhood.
• 1:07:58
  And, and it's still there. And the reality is, unless you
• 1:08:06
  really address it, it's, it's, it's going to be that, that
• 1:08:13
  thorn in your side that that you're carrying around and that
• 1:08:20
  weight, you know, and, and I look at, you know, my sister who
• 1:08:25
  committed suicide in 2016 and she was bipolar, but there was
• 1:08:32
  also a lot of layers there that had she, you know, that's the
• 1:08:38
  thing with suicide. You always think the what ifs.
• 1:08:41
  If she had really help in in that, that piece of, of loving
• 1:08:50
  herself or who she is and, and that acceptance piece.
• 1:08:57
  And, you know, I, I wonder would that have changed anything?
• 1:09:03
  You know, and it's, it doesn't matter either way.
• 1:09:07
  It's like this isn't, this is what is and as much as you argue
• 1:09:12
  with what is, that's the cause of your suffering if you don't
• 1:09:16
  accept it. And I think that we have to be
• 1:09:20
  vulnerable with ourselves in order to connect with ourselves
• 1:09:27
  and, and vulnerability. And, and I, I'm in a
• 1:09:32
  Toastmasters group and, and I also do some public speaking and
• 1:09:36
  I share some pretty intimate and painful parts of my journey.
• 1:09:45
  Not because I want to just dump it's, it isn't intended for
• 1:09:49
  that. It's more I want to create a
• 1:09:53
  space for people to be able to be vulnerable themselves either
• 1:09:57
  and and be vulnerable with themselves, you know, Brené
• 1:10:01
  Brown. Talked a lot about.
• 1:10:03
  I was just going to mention Brene for other people.
• 1:10:06
  But she has a Ted talk where a guy said, you know what about
• 1:10:10
  being being vulnerable with yourself?
• 1:10:11
  And she's like, you can't be vulnerable with yourself.
• 1:10:14
  That isn't And I and, and I, I, I think to me that's, that is
• 1:10:21
  the biggest vulnerability is to be able to be vulnerable with
• 1:10:26
  yourself and to say, wow, that's, that's here.
• 1:10:32
  That's a part of me. It isn't me, right?
• 1:10:37
  And that was. Not my whole identity.
• 1:10:40
  No, and for so many years, I resisted my illnesses.
• 1:10:49
  I, I had patients who lost everything and, and I, and I
• 1:10:53
  didn't want to, I didn't, you know, and, and I was like I, I,
• 1:10:57
  I'm an athlete. I'm a, I'm a, you know, robust
• 1:11:01
  person. And, and the reality was, you
• 1:11:05
  know, I, I wasn't an athlete anymore.
• 1:11:09
  I wasn't very robust at that time.
• 1:11:12
  But that's not what acceptance means.
• 1:11:15
  Acceptance doesn't mean it defines you.
• 1:11:19
  And I thought for so many years, if I accept it, that means I'm a
• 1:11:25
  sick person. I'm a chronically I'll person.
• 1:11:28
  I'm and all the labels and the stigma that goes with that,
• 1:11:32
  because there's a ton of stigma with chronic illness and, and
• 1:11:39
  it, it was, it was this really freeing.
• 1:11:47
  And, you know, it allowed me to kind of move past that with
• 1:11:52
  acceptance. And that is, it wasn't even what
• 1:11:54
  acceptance is. And then accepting the, the
• 1:11:57
  circumstances in the present. That's, that's an imperfect
• 1:12:00
  moment and accepting it means that you can open up to the next
• 1:12:04
  moment. And so being vulnerable gives
• 1:12:09
  you that ability to look at the buffet of you and say, Hey,
• 1:12:22
  there are some things that I might like to not have here, but
• 1:12:26
  look at all these other things and look at and and the whole
• 1:12:29
  thing is me. I'm not anyone amazing thing or
• 1:12:34
  or terrible thing. I'm all of it.
• 1:12:37
  And it's we're, so we're so much more complicated and complex
• 1:12:42
  than then we think, you know, and I think that getting at
• 1:12:47
  that, that layers and really, you know, acceptance is has
• 1:12:53
  changed everything, everything. Yeah, thank you for.
• 1:12:57
  I love the buffet analogy. I think that's so good.
• 1:13:00
  And you sit it on the head. There are seasons and choices
• 1:13:04
  and decisions and relationships and things that happen that we
• 1:13:07
  have no control over that have impacted us, that we don't love,
• 1:13:11
  that we have to at least give them the acknowledgement.
• 1:13:15
  We don't have to love it. But again, that curiosity over
• 1:13:19
  judgement, you know, given the space and place I was in at that
• 1:13:23
  time, I don't love I did that, but I see where it came from.
• 1:13:26
  So I'm going to learn from that. I'm going to acknowledge it.
• 1:13:29
  I am devastated that my sister made this choice and also I know
• 1:13:35
  the value of being vulnerable and providing a safe space and
• 1:13:39
  I'm going to move forward with that.
• 1:13:41
  I'm not going to let this what happened to her not impact the
• 1:13:46
  way I can show up for myself and other people in a way that it
• 1:13:51
  can be supportive and resourceful and loving and kind
• 1:13:56
  and empathetic. And I'm going to be mindful of
• 1:13:59
  the language that I use with people because I know language
• 1:14:03
  is important for the things that I struggle with and that my
• 1:14:06
  family struggled with. I mean, there's so many ways
• 1:14:09
  that when we can acknowledge those things and give them the
• 1:14:12
  room to breathe and be and see them as the buffet of, of all
• 1:14:17
  that we are and not just and not identify and get stuck in
• 1:14:21
  identity of any one of them, that's where the freedom really
• 1:14:25
  comes. I mean, and I'd love to mention
• 1:14:27
  the vulnerability piece with yourself because that's an
• 1:14:30
  important piece of it. And even the even a researcher
• 1:14:32
  who's researched more on that anyway, even she can have a
• 1:14:35
  trooping point there and she talks openly about her own
• 1:14:38
  trooping points. But you have that ability to be
• 1:14:41
  loving and kind with yourself first.
• 1:14:45
  I mean, being for me, the layers journey is the component that
• 1:14:50
  really impacts everything else. Because if you can embrace your
• 1:14:54
  layers and acknowledge them, you know your value, then you're
• 1:14:58
  going to prioritize yourself care.
• 1:14:59
  You're going to understand that you need healthy boundaries in
• 1:15:02
  your life. You're going to live out of your
• 1:15:04
  own expectations and not other people.
• 1:15:06
  You're going to understand what is intentionally meaningful to
• 1:15:10
  you, what your values are, what your why is, because you know
• 1:15:13
  who you are and you've accepted who you are and you embrace who
• 1:15:17
  you are. All that comes with it with
• 1:15:20
  judge without judgment and with curiosity.
• 1:15:23
  And that then informs how you show up and all these other
• 1:15:26
  spaces for yourself and in turn for other people.
• 1:15:29
  I mean, it's such a key component of this.
• 1:15:32
  So thank you so much for all that you shared there.
• 1:15:34
  So good. All right.
• 1:15:35
  And you don't have to look for it outside yourself.
• 1:15:38
  Yes, any of it. I just wanted to add that
• 1:15:42
  because that's so big, it's all there inside.
• 1:15:46
  Nobody can take it from you. No one, no, absolutely.
• 1:15:50
  Thank you for that. It is there and we're and like
• 1:15:53
  you said, we said earlier, we have so much more within us than
• 1:15:57
  we than we realized. We are such complex, nuanced
• 1:16:01
  beings that have we have the capability of holding and
• 1:16:04
  feeling multiple things at one time.
• 1:16:08
  And and so I think giving that that, that acknowledgement, that
• 1:16:13
  awareness then allows it room to breathe and for us to really
• 1:16:18
  show up the way that we need to for ourselves.
• 1:16:21
  So I mean, there's just so many. It's really, yeah, it's just
• 1:16:24
  such an important. I think for me, it's the
• 1:16:27
  component. Like when I'm working with
• 1:16:28
  people in groups or one-on-one, I actually start with the layers
• 1:16:32
  piece. And then we go into, OK, we're
• 1:16:35
  going to talk about your layers. We're going to start in packing
• 1:16:37
  things. And as we do this, we're going
• 1:16:39
  to ask yourself those key questions of your character
• 1:16:43
  traits, what nourishes you, How do you want to feel the next six
• 1:16:47
  months? And as you do that, and then
• 1:16:49
  we're going to ask you to invite you to with curiosity rather
• 1:16:53
  than judgement to approach this. And that's going to lay the
• 1:16:56
  groundwork for everything else we're going to talk about here.
• 1:16:59
  That's how important. Yeah, because we prioritize what
• 1:17:03
  we value. Right, right.
• 1:17:06
  Yeah. Oh, I love the work you're
• 1:17:08
  doing, Melissa. You too.
• 1:17:10
  I mean, we're really doing this, this, you know, and this is what
• 1:17:13
  I love is that we all have our own take on this.
• 1:17:18
  It's going to appeal to different people depending on
• 1:17:20
  where we're at. And that's why it's so important
• 1:17:23
  that we're all doing this, because someone out there needs
• 1:17:27
  US and how we're showing up. And so this whole idea, that's
• 1:17:31
  why I'm so passionate about bringing women on with their
• 1:17:34
  voices and their resources to provide a menu of options to
• 1:17:40
  women when they come to our to our platform.
• 1:17:43
  Like we've got a whole network to support you.
• 1:17:46
  I've got this field framework. And within that there's all
• 1:17:49
  these things are going to feed all these areas of it to show up
• 1:17:52
  and support you and meet you where you are and give you what
• 1:17:55
  you need. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, so
• 1:18:00
  important and so many of us out there, which is great because
• 1:18:05
  there are a lot of people seeking, you know, this is this
• 1:18:08
  is what we need to do for, you know, I believe for changing the
• 1:18:13
  world, you know. Absolutely.
• 1:18:14
  Each one of us, you know, I think there can't be enough of
• 1:18:18
  us, really. I.
• 1:18:20
  I just. I think this is what we need.
• 1:18:23
  Connect with ourselves first, then we can.
• 1:18:27
  Really change each other and move forward together.
• 1:18:30
  That's where the magic happens. Yes.
• 1:18:33
  Yes. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:18:35
  Absolutely. So good.
• 1:18:36
  All right, you hit this perfectly earlier when we were
• 1:18:39
  talking about living in apologetically the and you
• 1:18:42
  mentioned, you know, the impact that you going in and doing this
• 1:18:46
  work on yourself made your relationships just explode in
• 1:18:51
  the best way and just allowed just the best evolution of that.
• 1:18:56
  Is there anything you want to say to bring that home?
• 1:18:58
  Because you said it perfectly earlier, but at that impact of
• 1:19:02
  like embracing, you know, living out feel, finding empowerment,
• 1:19:05
  embracing layers, you know, you've done that work.
• 1:19:09
  You've learned the importance of you.
• 1:19:11
  You've realized and made the shifts of how you can show up so
• 1:19:15
  much healthier in your relationships and the kind of
• 1:19:18
  people that attracts when you do that.
• 1:19:21
  Yeah, I mean, I've always been someone people come to to for
• 1:19:25
  support, but it but it's invited a a deeper layer of confidence
• 1:19:33
  in me to to share. And also a little, you know, I'm
• 1:19:39
  listening to understand much more deeply than I did and just
• 1:19:44
  the way I ask questions and and create a safe place for whatever
• 1:19:53
  might unfold. And then just again, getting
• 1:19:56
  back to responding versus reacting, when I see someone
• 1:20:05
  acting out of defensiveness or, or judgement, you know, that's
• 1:20:14
  not. Them that's their nervous system
• 1:20:18
  and, and looking at, OK, what's beneath that?
• 1:20:23
  What's the, what's the pain they're feeling right now that's
• 1:20:28
  creating that. And it allows me to be more,
• 1:20:32
  more patient, more kind, more open and, and maybe asking more
• 1:20:39
  questions or just giving space and choosing what I feel like is
• 1:20:45
  a better response. So it's just that, you know,
• 1:20:48
  when we see our vulnerabilities, it's so easy to see it in other
• 1:20:52
  people and, and especially people who are in close to you,
• 1:20:56
  you see, you know, why that's showing up.
• 1:21:01
  And it's, and it's giving that, that space, that love for that
• 1:21:05
  person, for what they're feeling beneath that, you know, you
• 1:21:13
  know, it's there's a saying of, of a, there's a person walked by
• 1:21:18
  a dog and it was growling and they thought, Oh, that's such a
• 1:21:21
  mean dog. And then they found that the dog
• 1:21:24
  actually had its leg in a trap. And that's why he was responding
• 1:21:28
  that way. And that kind of wow.
• 1:21:31
  It, it's like a, you know, it's a metaphor.
• 1:21:34
  We don't know why that person, but there's something, you know,
• 1:21:39
  you're not going to project outward what isn't inward and
• 1:21:43
  you're not going to find outward what isn't inward.
• 1:21:47
  But I think this relationship with myself has really enabled
• 1:21:52
  me to to see that, to see that and in people.
• 1:21:59
  Yeah. Oh, that was so good.
• 1:22:01
  I love that outward, inward, because that is such an
• 1:22:04
  important thing to remember. Oh, so good.
• 1:22:07
  Thank you so much for that. All right, we're down to the
• 1:22:11
  rapid fire named 5 Activities That Nourish You just narrowed.
• 1:22:17
  To five no being in nature in any way.
• 1:22:22
  Movement, being in community and and laughter and connection with
• 1:22:31
  community. I love learning.
• 1:22:34
  I'm a total nerd. I love reading all kinds of
• 1:22:37
  books and taking classes and then I think meditation and
• 1:22:42
  breath work too. So that's maybe more than 5, but
• 1:22:45
  those are big ones. Yeah.
• 1:22:47
  Oh, good. All right, so it's 5 words on
• 1:22:50
  how you want to feel the next six months.
• 1:22:55
  Vital like vitality, grounded, healthy, growing and and ease.
• 1:23:07
  Oh, that's good. All right, Heidi, tell people
• 1:23:10
  where they can find you and follow you.
• 1:23:13
  This will all be on our website at embracinglayers.com.
• 1:23:16
  But in case people want to drop this down right now, let them
• 1:23:19
  know where they can find you. They can find me on
• 1:23:22
  unshakeableme.com and that's all one word.
• 1:23:26
  I'm also on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook AD unshakeable me
• 1:23:33
  and evolve as unshakeable me as as the Facebook page that I have
• 1:23:39
  too. So yeah.
• 1:23:41
  And I've got all all kinds of ways to to reach me on my
• 1:23:44
  website as well. OK, sounds good.
• 1:23:47
  All that will be there. Thank you so much for this time
• 1:23:49
  today. I've so enjoyed this
• 1:23:51
  conversation. Thank you for how you show up in
• 1:23:53
  the world. Life is hard and life growing up
• 1:23:58
  is hard and family dynamics can be difficult and family
• 1:24:01
  histories can be hard and but there's choices to be made
• 1:24:05
  within that of how we want our life to look and the shifts that
• 1:24:08
  we want to make and the generational shifts we want to
• 1:24:11
  make. And you have done that.
• 1:24:13
  And you've not only done that for yourself, you're now a
• 1:24:15
  resource to other people. So thank you for your courage in
• 1:24:19
  doing the work to show up this way.
• 1:24:21
  This is powerful. It's important.
• 1:24:24
  We need this in the world. It's such a pivotal little
• 1:24:28
  moment in time if we're going to, if we're going to move
• 1:24:31
  forward and make the shifts and create the spaces and places of
• 1:24:36
  safety and love and accountability that we want to
• 1:24:39
  see and, and what you're doing is such an important part of.
• 1:24:43
  That. Embracing layers Audience field
• 1:24:46
  podcast audience. Be really kind to yourselves
• 1:24:50
  this week. Get curious.
• 1:24:54
  Realize you've got more in you than you may know.
• 1:24:58
  And so if what how you're showing up in the world feels
• 1:25:02
  off, if you're tired, if you're weary, take a pause, be curious
• 1:25:08
  about that. Start taking stock in your life
• 1:25:12
  and and see where things maybe need to be re evaluated and
• 1:25:16
  shifted because you are worth the journey and you are worth
• 1:25:19
  the time. We've got great resources here.
• 1:25:22
  We want to support you in this. Heidi, is there any last
• 1:25:25
  thoughts you'd like to leave with our listeners today?
• 1:25:29
  Yeah, I think just giving yourself compassion every day
• 1:25:32
  and, and really and kindness, that's that's what builds you
• 1:25:38
  up. And Melissa, it's been such a
• 1:25:40
  fun pleasure chatting with you and, and hearing your insights
• 1:25:46
  and, and the work that you're doing, which is helping our
• 1:25:50
  world. So thank you.
• 1:25:52
  You bet right back at you listeners, that's that's all we
• 1:25:56
  have for you today. But that's a lot.
• 1:25:58
  Go back, listen, take notes, access these resources.
• 1:26:00
  You're worth it. Invest in you, make you a
• 1:26:03
  priority. The world needs you.
• 1:26:06
  Take good care of yourselves and we'll see you next time here on
• 1:26:09
  the Field podcast. Hello and thank you so much for
• 1:26:13
  being with us today on this episode of the Feel podcast.
• 1:26:17
  If you would like more information on how you can apply
• 1:26:21
  these talking points that I share with our guests in each
• 1:26:25
  episode to your own life, really utilize this Feel framework.
• 1:26:30
  Go to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form and let's
• 1:26:35
  set up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how
• 1:26:40
  you can start living your most authentic, organic, healthy,
• 1:26:45
  feel fueled life. Thanks again for being with us
• 1:26:48
  today. We'll be back to you soon with
• 1:26:50
  another episode here on the Feel Podcast.