Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / When Does Understanding Become Enabling? | Thinking Out Loud
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- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: Recording of the hook first time. When someone makes a mistake, we say it's part of being human. What happens when the mistakes stack up? Sure. We can say that three, two, one. Sure. We can say they're learning three, two, one. Sure. We can say they're learning some lessons seem to go unlearned. What if the harm isn't just three, two, one? What if the harm isn't to themselves? What if it becomes a chain reaction? affecting everyone around them. How many chances do we give before it stops feeling like compassion and starts feeling like a burden? What if you're the one left picking up the pieces? Can you still show compassion or does there come a point where something has to change? We are giving a three, two, one. Are we giving kindness a free pass or are we losing sight of accountability? When did understanding start meaning we're supposed to ignore the damage? Alright, we're going to record the hook again. don't... Alright, let's do the view though. Help you. 110 that's better. All right recording hook When? When I was a young boy. Hook number two recording. When someone makes a mistake, we say it's part of being human. What happens when the mistake stacks up? Sure, we can say they're learning. Some lessons though seem to go unlearned. What if the harm isn't just to themselves? What if it becomes a chain reaction? ⁓ 3, 2, 1, affecting everyone around them. How many chances do we give before it stops feeling like compassion and starts feeling like a burden? What if you're the one left picking up the pieces? Can you still show compassion or does there come a point where something has to change? Are you 3, 2, 1? Are we giving kindness a free pass or are we losing sight of accountability? When does something start meaning? We're supposed to ignore the damage. Three, two, When did understanding start meaning we're supposed to ignore the damage? Section one first recording. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. I've been sitting with this question lately, one that often feels uncomfortable to ask out loud, even harder to ignore. What do we do with people who don't just make mistakes, but repeatedly choose harm? And I want to be clear here. I'm not talking about misunderstandings, not bad days, not moments where someone reacts poorly and then reflects, repairs and grows. I'm talking about patterns. Patterns of harm. We need to add hopefully pattern of harm. Before we go any further though, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. People who constantly hurt others and then expect understanding instead of accountability. Huh, nope. I don't know how. Let's move that then. Well, we're going to re-record this. We're going to put that after. it's me, Kimberly. All right. We're going to rerecord section one. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we go any further quick. So section one recording to hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we go any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I've been sitting with a question lately, one that feels uncomfortable to ask out loud, but even harder to ignore. What do we do with people who don't just make mistakes, but repeatedly choose harm? And I want to be clear here. I'm not talking about misunderstandings, not bad days, not moments where someone reacts poorly, then reflects repairs and grows. I'm talking about a pattern, pattern of harm, people who consistently hurt others and then expect understanding instead of accountability. In my own life, I've seen this up close. I've once had someone I looked up to directly. Three, two, one. I once had someone I looked up to tell me directly that they were using cancer as a trump card, that I got them out of anything out of accountability. And I watched it happen. And this wasn't one time situation. It was with their thyroid issues, autoimmune issues, crisis after crisis. And behind the scenes, I watched something else happen too. They kept adding more and more to their plate. while everyone else around them were expected to help manage the fallout. And if you didn't, well... And if you didn't, well, three, two, one. And if you didn't, well, they had every right, three, two, one, they had every right to throw it in your face because how could you question someone who was dealing with someone was three, two, one. How could you throw three, one, because how can you question someone who's dealing with something like cancer? And that's where things got complicated because illness is real. Struggles is real. Pain is real. So is impact. And I've seen three, two, one lists like, all right. End of section one. We're going to record one more time because we kind of messed up the first recording. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we go further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I've been sitting with a question lately, one that feels uncomfortable to ask out loud. Even harder to ignore. What do we do with people who don't just make mistakes, but repeatedly choose harm? I want to be clear here. I'm not talking about misunderstandings, bad days, or bad moments. Three, two, one. want to, I'm not talking about misunderstandings, not bad days, not moments where someone reacts poorly and then reflects repairs and grows. I'm talking about patterns, patterns of harm. people who consistently hurt others and then expect understanding instead of accountability. Three, two, one. In my own life, I've seen this up close. I once had someone I looked up to tell me directly that they use cancer as a Trump card, that it got them out of everything, out of accountability. It was the ultimate Trump card. And I watched it happen. This wasn't a one-time situation. It was their thyroid issues, autoimmune disease, crisis after crisis. And behind the scenes, I watched something else happen too. They kept adding more and more to their plate while everyone around them was expected to help manage the fallout. And if you didn't, well, they had every right to throw it in your face because how could you question someone who's dealing with something like cancer? And that's where things get complicated because illness is real. Struggle is real. Pain is real, but so is impact. Section two, recording one. I've also seen people hide behind other things. Brain injuries, mental health diagnosis, labels like bipolar, autism, ADHD. And to be clear, those things are real. They matter. They affect behavior in real ways. They are not a free pass to harm other people without accountability saying that wasn't me. It was my diagnosis might explain behavior. It doesn't repair it. And without repair, harm doesn't just disappear. It spreads. And this is where I had to turn the mirror to myself because it was three to one, because it would be easy to only talk about what other people have done. If I'm being honest, I've had to face my own patterns. There are moments in my parenting that I'm not proud of. Moments where I reacted instead of responded. It wasn't my complex PTSD that yelled at my daughter. It was me. It wasn't my diagnosis that led me to make choices I regret. Three, two, It wasn't my diagnosis that led me to make choices I regret. That was on me. Now. When it comes to my complex PTSD, it explains why things felt so intense, why my reactions were bigger than the moment. Three, two, one. Why my reactions were bigger than the moment. It doesn't excuse them though. And that distinction matters because if I had to stop at this is why I do it, I would never have changed. end of section two recording. I've also seen people hide behind other things, brain injuries, mental health diagnosis, labels like bipolar, autism, ADHD. And to be clear, those things are real. They matter. They affect behavior in very real ways. They are not a get out of jail free card. They are not a free pass to do harm to other people without accountability saying that wasn't me. It was my diagnosis might explain behavior. It doesn't repair it. And without repair, harm does not disappear. It spreads. And this is where I had to turn the mirror on myself. It would be easy to only talk about how three, two, one. It would be so easy to name people, to only talk about what other people have done to me. If I'm being truly honest though, I've had to face my own patterns too. There were moments in my parenting that I'm not proud of. Moments where I reacted instead of responded. It wasn't my complex PTSD that yelled at my daughter. That's on me. It wasn't my diagnosis that led me to make the choices that I regret. That's on me. Now my complex PTSD explains the why things felt so intense. Why my reactions were bigger than the moment. It never excuses them though. And that's a really hard pill to swallow. Cause in those moments it feels real. And that distinction matters. If I had to three, two, one, because if I had stopped at this is why I do it, I would have never changed it. Section three, first recording. The truth is I was always trying my best. I was always called three, two, one. The truth is I was always trying my best at the same time. I was also causing harm. Both things can be true at the same time. And that's a hard place to sit in, believe me, because it forces you to three, two, one, because it forces you out of the narrative that you're either the victim or the villain and into the reality that sometimes you're both. And I had to start making clear and real changes, not just acknowledging the problem, but actively working to do things differently instead of swinging between passive and explosive. I had to learn how to be consistent, firm, calm, stable, not fun. Three, two, one, not the fun mom all the time, but rather the safe mom, the predictable mom, the one my child can rely on. Even when it wasn't easy, that meant making sacrifices, getting sleep, even when my nightmares made it hard planning ahead. When I knew routines would be disrupted saying no to things like play dates when my kid was needing to rest instead. Choosing long-term stability over short-term comfort. And none of that was easy, but it was necessary because at some point I had to stop asking, why am I like this? And I had to start asking, what am I going to do about it? One of the biggest shifts for me came from something that felt confusing at first, but ended up changing everything. And those overwhelming moments, my body reacted like they were three, two, one, like there was danger. My body reacted like there was danger. There was something I needed to stop immediately. And to be fair, sometimes there was dangerous. My toddler was running towards the street, climbing something unsafe, doing what toddlers do, exploring without understanding risk. My brain didn't see learning moment. It saw a threat. It felt like I was fighting off a tiger to protect my child. But here's the complicated part. My reactions didn't match the situation because I was turning my child into the tiger. Because while the risk was real, my response came out of fear intensely, sometimes angry, not calm, not grounded. And that's when I had to slow down and separate two things, the situation and my reaction to it. Yes, my child needed protection. She didn't need to be met with fear though. She didn't need to feel like she was the danger. She needed guidance. She needed a parent who could step in, keep her safe, and still feel like a safe place to land. So I had to start reminding myself, this isn't a three, two, one. This isn't a tiger. This is a toddler. This is a child learning limits. My job isn't to stop the danger. is to teach her how to move through the world safely without becoming afraid of it or of me. Honestly, I really liked that recording. I'm not going to rerecord that. think we're at a section four. I had to face the uncomfortable truth. My child didn't need someone to control them. They needed someone to lead them. And I wasn't doing that as well as I thought I was. I wasn't managing my CPTSD because I didn't know how to, I was letting it manage me. And that's where it led me to get an autism evaluation. And I want to insert here. If I actually do have autism. let's pretend I do. And then I found out the reason my CP, then I realized why my complex PTSD was hard to manage was because I also have autism. have ADHD and it was really hard. And every time I pretended that I didn't have autism or do coping strategies that would help me because, ⁓ You don't have autism, Kimberly. You're not valid into treating yourself this way. I would take a step back instead of two steps forward. And I had to realize it would have been so easy to shift the blame to say, well, my child is difficult to become passive aggressive, to fall into a narrative of just wait until you have a kid like you. But that wouldn't have been honest. Because the truth is I do hope she has a child like herself someday. She's creative. She's curious, strong-willed. She challenged me. She makes me laugh. She pushes me to grow. Those aren't flaws, those are strengths. And if I couldn't handle those strengths, that wasn't a reflection of her. It was a reflection of what I needed to work on. And I think this is three, two, one. And I think this connects to something bigger. People who grow feel powerless. Three, two, one. People growing up feel powerless, often struggles with power later in life. Because if you've never examined it, power can feel like something you're old. Three, two, one. You're finally owed. Like it's your turn. Uno reverse bitches. Your turn to be in control. Your turn to not be the one hurting. But unexamined power doesn't heal pain. It just redirects it. First recording of section seven. And that's how cycles continue. Not because people are intentionally cruel because they never stopped to ask themselves if this three, two, one, if they're becoming what they, what hurt them. Let's try that again. Section seven intro redo. And that's how cycles continue. Not because people are intentionally cruel, but because they stopped because they never stopped to ask themselves if they were becoming what hurt them. Sometimes the hardest truth is facing this. Sometimes the hardest truth to face is this. It's easier to make someone else carry your pain than to sit with it yourself, then to sit with it yourself because sitting with it means acknowledging things like. We were hurt by people you loved. You were shaped by things that weren't okay. And some things still live in you because avoiding that truth doesn't protect 321 because avoiding that truth doesn't protect it. 321 avoiding that truth doesn't protect anyone. It passes the damage along. Woohoo. So I'm going to rerecord that one because I was a clusterfuck. Section seven. Second recording. And that's how three, my fucking God, Kim. I cried in section six, and now I can't do section seven. Jeez. And that's how cycles continue. Not because people are intentionally cruel, because they never stop to ask themselves if they are becoming what hurt them. Sometimes the hardest truth is this. It's easier to make someone else carry your pain. than to sit in it with, than to sit with it yourself. Because sitting with it means acknowledging things like you were hurt by people you loved. You were shaped by things that weren't okay. And at some three, two, one, and some of those things still live in you. But avoiding the truth doesn't protect anyone. It just passes the damage along. Back to the question. Section eight, first recording. Back to the question. What do people do, three, two, one, what do we do with people who don't just make mistakes but repeatedly choose harm? We stop confusing understanding with access. We can understand someone's past, their struggles, their pains without giving them unlimited permission to stay in our lives while they continue to hurt us. We stop prioritizing comfort over accountability because holding someone accountable is uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable. You know what else is uncomfortable? Being the one who's getting hurt. And we start choosing boundaries even when it's hard, even when it's messy. even when it costs us something because the truth is harm doesn't stop because it's understood. It doesn't stop because someone is three, two, one. It doesn't stop because someone has a reason. It stops when it's no longer allowed to continue without consequences. And that doesn't mean we stop being compassionate. It means we do three, two, one. It means we redefine what compassion actually looks like. Sometimes compassion isn't saying. Three, two, one. Sometimes compassion isn't staying. Sometimes it's stepping back because breaking a cycle of harm isn't about proving how much you can endure. It's about deciding where it ends. Three, two, one. We're gonna do section eight for a second time, but I gotta itch my eyeball. Itch my eyeball. ⁓ gosh, my eye hurts so bad. Back to the question, what do we do with people who don't just make mistakes but repeatedly choose harm? We stop confusing understanding with access. We stop, three, two, one, we understand someone's past. Three, two, one, we can understand someone's past, their struggles, their pains, without giving them unlimited permission to stay in our lives while they continue to hurt us. We stop prioritizing comfort over accountability. because holding someone accountable is uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable. You know what else is uncomfortable? Being the one who's getting hurt. And we start choosing boundaries. even when it's hard, even when it's messy, even when it costs us something. Because harm doesn't stop because it's understood. It doesn't stop because someone has a reason. It stops when you no longer allow it to continue without consequences. And that means three, two, one. And that doesn't mean we stop being compassionate. It means we redefine what compassion actually looks like. Sometimes compassion isn't staying. Sometimes it's stepping back. Because breaking a cycle of harm isn't about proving how much you can endure. It's about deciding where it ends. End of section eight, recording two. Thanks for listening to my rainbows. hard.