Latest / Questionable Detour / Kissing dead people and giving death prophecies at a funeral, and talking about those darn white people.

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Kissing dead people and giving death prophecies at a funeral, and talking about those darn white people. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour
• 0:09
  So absurd so questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos
• 0:13
  I'm gonna make a little detour
• 0:25
  Fun fact for this week Evan survived another year in a first world country and we are trained and
• 0:33
  Supposed to celebrate that for some reason
• 0:36
  Evan how was your birthday Evan and what and what obstacles did you face? What dangers did you face?
• 0:42
  During the year that we should celebrate that you lived another year. So this year was it's gotta be the toughest one
• 0:49
  Yeah, what year is this? What year is this for you?
• 0:54
  Ooh, shouldn't be that hard of a question. It just happened two days ago. I gotta do some quick maths here
• 1:00
  It's about how old was Napoleon when he conquered everything he conquered. Dynamite or Bonaparte? Yes both. Okay
• 1:07
  I think probably what I don't only Bonaparte wasn't very old you have not done near what he's done at this age. Hmm
• 1:15
  Yeah, I just like to think that I have a couple more years to get there
• 1:20
  And I'm working on it. Got a plan putting it in action everything
• 1:24
  I'm doing now just building up to that world domination basically just sort of like a leveling year for you
• 1:30
  Like it's just a setup year. Yeah. Yeah, and this is like the pilot, you know season this is the pilot
• 1:36
  Yeah, just what about the first?
• 1:39
  27 years what were those years those were just pitching to networks trying to make sure I can stay I can get on you know
• 1:46
  I'm writing the script and I'm sending it out trying to get them to test the waters
• 1:50
  You know, how many seasons is your life gonna be once you get picked up? Um, I'm looking at six seasons in a movie
• 1:59
  You still haven't answered the question why should we celebrate your birthday?
• 2:02
  Why should we celebrate another year of life even though you live in a first world country?
• 2:06
  I mean as far as I'm concerned you haven't done anything miraculous this year. Yeah
• 2:11
  We've been more depth to find with you quite a bit. Yeah too much some might say I
• 2:16
  Have I haven't seen a whole lot that I'm that I'm willing to write back home about like somebody they expected me to write you
• 2:23
  A card but like what am I supposed to say in that card? Happy birthday, Evan. You you cured cancer
• 2:28
  No, you didn't cure cancer. If anything you walked around with UV lamps and gave people cancer
• 2:34
  I I culminated a lot of carcinogens and spread them throughout the city
• 2:39
  But that that has nothing to do with this year with who I am or what I've done for this community
• 2:47
  Does it feel like we're talking to a politician right now this is that's a that's a non-denial denial is what that is
• 2:53
  You look at the statistics
• 2:55
  Okay, crime is down. It's cuz you gave the crime cancer and it and it died pumped it full of aspartame
• 3:02
  Yeah, crime is down. It's like six feet money is up
• 3:07
  if we played a
• 3:09
  Sleepy Joe clip right beside Evan would people be able to tell the difference
• 3:15
  You can't even look at a flower around you without thinking man Evan has done so much for this city this year because
• 3:22
  Every flower in this city. I personally went out and I pollinated myself. Oh, I went in there
• 3:29
  I stuck my tongue in that little flower got some of the seeds just
• 3:33
  Shoot them all over the place trying to pollinate each individual flower
• 3:38
  I was wondering why your posters were up all over on like telephone poles
• 3:43
  Like beware of this person. It's just you making out with a rose. Yeah roses are tough lot of thorns on that one
• 3:50
  Hmm, but you give what the people want and what those flowers want there. They're begging to be pollinated
• 3:56
  You heard him say that begging I heard it with my own two ears. They wrote me a note
• 4:00
  You heard the note with your own two years. Yeah, that's called somebody. We just read it. I
• 4:06
  Read it out loud and then once it got into my ears from me reading it. I was like, oh I understand what they're saying
• 4:11
  Yeah, yeah, that's a really roundabout way of describing reading
• 4:15
  I don't know what it is. I had to say it out loud. I have to read it out loud actually
• 4:20
  And you're not a good reader out loud. It's very choppy and yeah
• 4:24
  Mispronounce a lot of words. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like a deaf person talking
• 4:29
  Mmm, like a third grader the reading level. Yeah, I
• 4:32
  Still don't know how we got to that from your birthday that that's what you contribute
• 4:36
  That's what you contributed to the world and that's why we should celebrate your birthday
• 4:41
  That's why we should celebrate your birthday. Evan is he's just a distraction from the real issues
• 4:47
  The real issue was his birthday and he went off on talking about he did great with assaulting flowers
• 4:52
  Yeah, now we don't know how we got we don't really know how we got here. Yeah Lord
• 4:56
  All right, what a question detour
• 4:59
  Hypothetical time if can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
• 5:03
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question
• 5:10
  All right boys hypothetical numero uno talk a lot about death on here. I think that's good
• 5:16
  We have a healthy respect and a healthy neglect understanding your mortality really puts things in perspective for you
• 5:22
  We're just getting talking about your birthday, you know
• 5:24
  Yeah birthday more special knowing when you're closer to death. Yeah when you're closer to it five more years. All right
• 5:32
  So, all right, what do you do at a funeral? I assume so we're going to the funeral somebody we know has died
• 5:38
  We put on that suit that we wear like I don't know twice a year
• 5:42
  Yeah, never not a lot of mileage on that thing we go to this funeral. What are we? What are we doing?
• 5:47
  We get there. Yeah, we can go together
• 5:49
  Well, I'm sure any funeral would be glad to have the three of us there to attend
• 5:54
  I think it's more in the death. I think it's great that we know a lot of the same people. Yeah, that's gonna make
• 5:58
  That's gonna make some good funerals
• 6:01
  Lots of future
• 6:03
  Dates there we're gonna get together. I'm gonna say when I get there
• 6:07
  I'm gonna I'm gonna just kind of scan the room pick out a couple of victims
• 6:12
  It's always good. It's always a good way to start then I'm gonna go prophesy to him
• 6:16
  Oh, okay. Now you said you talked about a suit now is your suit just some robes
• 6:22
  Some white robes that kind of drag the ground as you walk. Mm-hmm towards them. Yeah. Yeah, okay
• 6:27
  It's kind of kind of like a kind of like a white bathrobe. Yeah
• 6:31
  Nothing nothing on under it but like a nice medallion
• 6:35
  Okay
• 6:37
  Different robes and I was expecting but I get it
• 6:39
  I thought you were maybe more like a like an angel type robe, you know, like some of angelic but you're you're
• 6:45
  Are you saying that that me in a bathrobe is not my jealous and I would hear the angels sing for sure
• 6:51
  If you walked in you would but you you your robes really were more
• 6:54
  Jersey Shore
• 6:56
  Guido type of robe like in a hotel. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The top was open a little bit. Yeah
• 7:02
  Definitely chest hair to get definitely. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm walking around now. I'm gonna start prophesying people's deaths that
• 7:09
  That's a great time to people
• 7:13
  Like they're they're kind of already thinking about it like, you know, there's probably like two people in the back like dang
• 7:18
  Look how he went out. I hope I don't go out like that
• 7:21
  And then you walk over like you're not gonna go out like that, but but you're gonna get hit by a cement truck
• 7:27
  That's not gonna kill you but the cement will then go into your body, oh my god
• 7:34
  Straight into the mouth just gargling that thing rather just get hit by this
• 7:39
  Well, yeah
• 7:40
  The cement truck seems like an easier way to go out rather than what I imagine the cement truck just slowly backing up
• 7:45
  You don't hear the beep beep beeps
• 7:47
  It pins you down and they just give you a mouthful of cement. Yeah. Yeah mouthful what cement? Okay?
• 7:57
  cement cement there it is there it is not cement
• 8:01
  So you go around this is there a set number of people that you prophesied to or is it just kind of whoever
• 8:08
  Bumps shoulders with you. I look around and I find
• 8:12
  people in certain age brackets I find
• 8:15
  anybody between the ages of
• 8:18
  13 and 22 okay kind of an impressionable group
• 8:22
  And then I also kind of talked to what I call the the Cracker Barrel generation
• 8:27
  Yeah, yeah, the the older folks the bedtime at 530 senior citizen discount at the Cracker Barrel group
• 8:34
  They're they're pretty susceptible to death. They've got it on the brain a lot of their a lot of their their friends
• 8:41
  Probably probably piecing out, you know, we're eventually gonna be that age
• 8:44
  Do you think as we start dying off around each other that we'll get jealous of how somebody died
• 8:49
  Do you think old people get jealous of how their friends die?
• 8:51
  Like, you know one friend dies in a car accident and dies of a heart attack and they go
• 8:54
  I I wish I were to go out their way or I'm glad I didn't go out that way
• 8:58
  I think it's like in a competition. I'm sure they talk about okay. Yeah
• 9:01
  There's a little bit of competition there a little bit of a little bit of competitive drive to go out better than that
• 9:06
  Yeah, nobody wants to die of just a your standard run-of-the-mill heart attack
• 9:11
  If you want if you want to go out you want to go out in a blaze of glory
• 9:15
  Yeah, you're struck by lightning or something. Yeah, you know, I who wants to die in a hospital bed surrounded by family
• 9:21
  That's so boring. I'd rather die riding a hospital bed down a hill
• 9:26
  Yeah, that'd be a good one. I mean still die in a hospital bed
• 9:29
  Yeah, but and your family could what a what a story as you as you your hospital bed gets slung off that ramp
• 9:37
  That's one of my favorite prophecies to give out at the funeral. Okay. Is that just tell them
• 9:42
  You know, you're gonna die in a hospital bed and they think man that's gonna suck and you can kind of see the life
• 9:47
  Yeah drain from their eyes dying already
• 9:50
  Like sooner than you think and I'm like like a bad infomercial, but wait, there's more
• 9:56
  And I tell them you're actually gonna be riding that thing down a hill going up towards a ramp over a body of water
• 10:02
  Yeah, and then they're like, yeah
• 10:04
  Surrounded by friends and family. They'll all be there to push your your hospital bed down the hill
• 10:09
  Do you try to hide the hospital bed that's behind you away from them?
• 10:13
  When I saw disappointed they looked at first I just kind of kicked it back
• 10:21
  Hoping somebody just puts the coffin on it and just rolls it out
• 10:23
  Now how much do you take into account how they look who they are or is it just kind of a cookie cutter prophecy?
• 10:31
  Per person. Do you do you take a lot into account? I can't stress to you how little thought goes into it
• 10:38
  Yeah, yeah, like most things we do like like most things we do
• 10:43
  It is strictly off the cuff not a lot of planning
• 10:48
  My improv class has said that that's probably a good thing to do. Yeah, just it's it's just
• 10:53
  It's a very yes end. You die and
• 10:56
  Do you go to people is there like a hand movement that you do do you lay hands on them?
• 11:00
  Like how does that go? Do you walk up and just tell them or is it they're kind of like a a showmanship that happens?
• 11:06
  Yeah, so I walk up behind them and I'm sort of I'm sort of humming just just
• 11:13
  You know, just like just a strong good bagel yes like like I had a meal
• 11:19
  I just come up behind them like that like a like a soft weed eater like like a cow that's in a hot tub
• 11:25
  That's right. That's right
• 11:27
  He's easing in there. You're feeling good. You're getting a deep tissue massage
• 11:32
  I just come up to my just put my hands under their elbows. Oh behind them behind. Yeah
• 11:37
  I'm behind them. Yeah hands under the elbows and I just start palming those elbows. Nice
• 11:42
  Generally, that's gonna that's gonna be a good thing
• 11:44
  That's gonna turn some heads. Yeah, people just don't ignore that when you when you say that you're a prophet people
• 11:51
  Expect a certain level of weirdness to that. Yes, you kind of get they expect they expect you to be
• 11:57
  You know, just still just a little bit off like a guy wearing a like nobody comes up to you and says I'm a prophet
• 12:03
  And then start talking about the weather. Yeah, unless you're prophesying but just you know small talk
• 12:07
  Unless the weather has started to get a little bit more
• 12:13
  Small talk unless the weather has to do with how they'll die. Sure, you know
• 12:16
  So how much do you believe these prophecies versus you're just trying to do some big prank on them?
• 12:22
  That is gonna last like a long con, you know, they're always gonna be looking over their shoulder for that cement truck
• 12:27
  I don't really put much stock into what I say
• 12:32
  Again a staple of this
• 12:34
  And I I think anybody hearing this uh should probably should probably take everything we say with a grain of salt, you know
• 12:41
  Yeah, good thing you keep spreading them though that gives people hope
• 12:44
  Just people hope I think you can go to any library
• 12:48
  Go to just go to anyone and look at the fiction section people love fiction
• 12:52
  They love it when you just make something up and tell it to them
• 12:56
  You know, you don't believe it. I mean people are dying for people to lie to them. Yeah people just want content
• 13:01
  They want a good story life. So boring. They just want content. That's it
• 13:05
  I mean all the people that soak up the true crime
• 13:08
  Podcasts and documentaries, of course, they're gonna want you to come up to them and tell them hey in about 10 years
• 13:14
  You're gonna get stabbed in the throat by a homeless person. Yeah. Yeah, you're just doing them a favor
• 13:19
  Yeah, and then they're gonna have every day. They're gonna wake up a little more excited
• 13:23
  They're never gonna be like i'm bored. Yeah today could be the day. Yeah in 10 years
• 13:27
  I'm gonna just walk up behind them. Hey, you're gonna develop a really weird shellfish allergy
• 13:32
  In about two years and it might be lethal
• 13:35
  You're gonna develop a shellfish allergy, but you're also gonna develop a craving for shellfish. Yeah
• 13:41
  So do whatever you need to to focus your energy your prophecy energy, but me and Evan
• 13:47
  Mm-hmm. How do you see us? How do you see us dying?
• 13:51
  well
• 13:52
  Both of you are gonna die and it's it's it's coming soon
• 13:55
  I mean I the way that you the way that you live your lives with absolutely not a care in the world
• 14:02
  Yeah, right. Let's abandon. Yes reckless abandonment. Evan is actually gonna die with abandonment. He is gonna be
• 14:11
  Evan is gonna be abandoned. He's gonna die like he lives in yeah, I
• 14:15
  Do have abandonment issues so that checks out Evan's gonna be abandoned inside a dollar general. Oh, that's rough
• 14:23
  You like you get lost. Yeah, you lost a dollar generals not a big building
• 14:27
  So he can he can find his way out
• 14:29
  The problem is is all the shelves are gonna domino and fall on top of
• 14:35
  Gonna be found for like I don't know 15 minutes cuz the dollar general employees gonna be on their smoke break. That's right
• 14:40
  That's right. They're always on and probably even further than that cuz dollar generals aren't known to be the cleanest places in the world
• 14:47
  I think most of their shelves are down. Yeah, so
• 14:50
  It's just pretty normal for them. There's a solid chance. There's people trapped under the shelves right now
• 14:55
  Yeah, you won't be the only one that will die. Yeah in that fall if I was just lost though
• 14:59
  I could survive for a good amount of time though
• 15:01
  Cuz you know they have a lot of food and other things that I could get away with just stealing cuz again dollar general employees
• 15:08
  Always on their break. Yeah, who's gonna stop me? I'm trying to counteract this prophecy. Okay, you're gonna die there
• 15:14
  I'm just no I'm gonna die from you can do about it. Yeah, I'm gonna die from the shelves falling on me
• 15:18
  Sure, but I'm not gonna die of starvation
• 15:20
  That's true. That's true. If you've already walking through the dollar general and like do you hear do you hear somebody crunching?
• 15:27
  And they're gonna look down toward the fallen shelves and they have it just up under there like a little rodent
• 15:32
  Eating some cheez-its
• 15:34
  They're gonna ask if he need if he needs help and he's just gonna scamper back in the shadows
• 15:40
  All right me. How am I how am I dying? You're gonna die on
• 15:44
  Terrible see do accident. Okay, that's cool. I like I like high-speed stuff fast stuff. That's cool
• 15:49
  You're you and your mom. Oh are gonna be wasn't expecting her to be there
• 15:55
  She'll be there. Okay, she lives she does
• 15:58
  You and your mom are gonna be racing C dos. Okay. I like it high-speed. Oh high high speed
• 16:05
  That's why I say you're gonna you're gonna round a corner. Oh, your mom's gonna take it like a champ
• 16:10
  Yeah, this before she's used to race C dos before you even born
• 16:14
  You find out something new every day. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah you you're a idiot
• 16:18
  I'm a novice. I'm a novice see doer amateur. You go flying off that see do oh you fly onto somebody else's boat
• 16:24
  Oh, okay party boat. Okay
• 16:27
  Old couple Oh gosh, but they have a bunch of licorice and candies on there. Nothing butterscotch on that boat
• 16:34
  That boat is clean to you that old man keeps that boat clean
• 16:37
  Yeah, and you just fly right onto it you get bloody it up. Yeah splatter all over it. He gets so mad
• 16:43
  Yeah, but I'm dead. I don't I don't care. You're not dead yet
• 16:45
  Oh, oh, he ties anchor to your ankle and he throws you
• 16:51
  Okay, the C do stuff seemed kind of irrelevant to my death then but I get it I get it
• 16:57
  You want to you want to paint a picture? Yeah, so the CDs are in the water. It's not like they're racing on the truck trailer
• 17:05
  No, but that would be good that's it that's a C don't
• 17:09
  So, I mean that's a cat that's kind of cool way to die I high-speed
• 17:13
  You know riding something that is riding a sexy machine, you know, yeah, it's not James Bond would drive
• 17:18
  It's like but I didn't really want my mother in it though. So I'm not happy with this
• 17:24
  Who would you rather be racing?
• 17:26
  Moments before death on a C do besides your mom if you if you're so disappointed with that
• 17:32
  Elron Hubbard I
• 17:34
  Want the founder of Scientology
• 17:36
  To to be by my side as I as I die and maybe he can usher me into Zorgon's palace or whatever
• 17:44
  They believe now is he is he still alive? No, no, not not in our realm. No, no in the whatever
• 17:50
  Whatever they believe realm we know very little about Scientology to try to make a joke about it. Yeah, we should we should learn more
• 17:58
  This is how they get you I've actually signed us up for a couple classes
• 18:01
  We didn't get any much better. How much do I have to pay you to change my prophecy?
• 18:05
  Like is there anything I did not know that this could be a business business deal. That's a good point
• 18:09
  You could give somebody bad prophecies and they'll pay you to change it. I like that. I like that a lot
• 18:13
  It's one point for capitalism. That's right
• 18:15
  Yeah, it really really does not take a lot to to shell out for money when you give off these prophecies
• 18:21
  Do you have a lot of reactions like mine and Evans where they're not exactly happy about it?
• 18:26
  What are people's reactions some are happy some are sad?
• 18:30
  But I just tell them like look it's it's out of my hands. There's nothing that I can do about it
• 18:34
  I've seen these things in your in your future. I can't change that just be just be glad that I'm telling you this
• 18:41
  Yeah, it's a blessing to know how you're gonna die. Yeah. Yeah who'd have thought a man in a robe just a robe
• 18:47
  Just a robe. Yeah humming could be such a blessing. Don't forget about those elbows
• 18:52
  Can't forget about the physical contact that might happen. It really does. It really does help in the whole
• 18:59
  Prophecy. Yeah, is that so you give a couple prophecies like what happens the rest of the funeral for you?
• 19:04
  Like is that just kind of what you do throughout the hour and a half that the funeral takes?
• 19:08
  Why don't I that's that's the sole reason that I'm there? Okay
• 19:11
  So you know the people that died or you just kind of show up to these things?
• 19:14
  I'm I'm like a hired gun at these funerals. I just I just come when I where you keep the gun
• 19:19
  If you're just in a robe can't can't disclose. Okay. Yeah
• 19:25
  Don't you don't you worry it's all sort of
• 19:27
  But yeah
• 19:28
  They're up there doing the funeral and everything people are getting up and saying saying kind words about the about the deceased
• 19:33
  And I'm kind of in the background just humming give us a home again
• 19:38
  Just just humming
• 19:42
  Do you notice that people start kind of scooting away from you that there's a probably a ten foot
• 19:48
  Diameter area around you that people are no longer sitting
• 19:51
  Yeah, and I can't I can't determine if it's because of the humming or because of the bathrobe
• 19:56
  Or the fact that you smell like alcohol. Well, that's the only best way to get clean is just bathe in our yeah
• 20:04
  Rubbing alcohol
• 20:07
  Okay, it's rubbing out. Oh, I'm not taking a bath and Jim Beam
• 20:12
  He's in 3% isopropyl
• 20:15
  Isopropyl only oh and so do you go up to the do you go up to the open casket at all?
• 20:20
  Yeah, what I do and this is kind of a business move on my part as soon as I get there
• 20:25
  I walk up to that casket and I look down and I'm like called it and then people are like
• 20:30
  Oh did he now and then I kind of make my laps around the room and I just start telling people how they're gonna die
• 20:34
  Yeah, and they think because I absentmindedly walked up to the coffin and said that I knew how this guy was gonna die
• 20:41
  They're gonna start believing me. Yeah, they're idiots. What I mean
• 20:45
  You don't pick you don't pick the funerals of professors and scientists
• 20:49
  Do you know no these a lot of the people here had to ask off to?
• 20:55
  To come to this funeral on the Saturday on a Saturday. Yeah
• 20:58
  I'm gonna have somebody like with like you that has yeah the the foresight of death. That's well, that's what I'm here for
• 21:05
  Yeah, do you think the Grim Reaper is in a robe like that? I don't think about it
• 21:09
  He's always you know portrayed in one of those black robes, but I don't know
• 21:13
  Maybe if he's on if he's at home, you know casually getting out of the bath
• 21:17
  I bet I'll put on the bathrobe, but the Grim Reaper doesn't work on Saturdays. No, no, no, he outsources that yeah
• 21:24
  All right, Evan, you're at a funeral you go to a lot of funerals
• 21:27
  Yeah
• 21:27
  you look in the obituary of the newspaper and
• 21:31
  It's hard to get you to hang out on like the weekends because every time we try to get you to hang out
• 21:35
  You're like I can't got a funeral to go to people used to read the comics. That's not what Evan does in the newspaper
• 21:41
  He goes and he laughs at the obituaries. Yeah, old f will died
• 21:44
  You know, I like to keep in touch with the geriatric community. So when a friend dies, I kind of know about it
• 21:51
  Yeah, especially when I read the obituary and I go meet the spouse of whoever just died and friend them
• 21:57
  Oh, no, maybe I can get closer to them Evan. No, it's okay
• 22:03
  Let's not ask the morality of what you're talking about here
• 22:05
  So you're telling me that you perch yourself down in the morning on the weekend and you look through
• 22:11
  Maybe the death of some elderly men sure or women, you know
• 22:16
  There's no discrimination
• 22:18
  You just look for a death and you you you attend funerals in an effort to date the the widower the widower or widow
• 22:26
  I befriend the widow or widower where it leads from there
• 22:30
  It's up to them is the main goal to try to get into that inheritance. Oh
• 22:37
  For some reason that makes it seem a little bit better
• 22:39
  I I like that you're greedy and not lustful, you know, exactly. Yeah, I'm gonna try to bang a bunch of old people
• 22:46
  But if it happens it happens, but you will if the job calls if I have to I'll do it
• 22:51
  Yeah, I'm not opposed to it. Sure, but I'm not just out here trying to you know, take advantage of a bunch of old people
• 22:57
  I mean it you you are but different than what somebody might think at first. Yeah, so what do you wear?
• 23:02
  What do you wear to a wedding to impress funeral?
• 23:06
  Well
• 23:07
  Well, I mean in Evans case
• 23:10
  Hopeful for a wedding could be a wedding. But yeah a funeral
• 23:13
  What do you wear to a funeral to impress these these grieving significant others?
• 23:18
  Let me start at the bottom. I got my snake skin boots on gosh
• 23:23
  Yeah, old people old women. Mm-hmm. How are they gonna be able to turn that down head over heels for you?
• 23:28
  Because they fell down the stairs. Yeah
• 23:30
  Are there spurs on the back? Of course tight short jean shorts. Oh, yeah, jean shorts
• 23:35
  The way to go to a funeral, of course, I mean, I'm not gonna dress down over my chest area
• 23:42
  It's a weird way to call so many people say it that way yes, that's so normal
• 23:50
  My chest area I wear a
• 23:52
  Silk button down with holes cut out where my nipples are
• 23:56
  Yeah
• 23:56
  So that I can put my nipple tassels on and the tassels hang freely outside of the shirt
• 24:02
  It shows that you're vulnerable and I think that's good. That's a good first impression to make I worry though
• 24:08
  That the old people will think you're a little much. Yeah
• 24:14
  There there there the more conservative crowd, you know old people come off that way
• 24:19
  But you get to know them a little bit and they're weirder than we are
• 24:23
  Tell you that they've kept me up a night or two
• 24:26
  Yeah, just mulling over some things that they've said things that they say in their sleep because they snore very loudly. Yeah
• 24:34
  What are the kind of things that they'll say in their sleep machines that they just?
• 24:40
  Humming away like a hospital room a lot of beeps going off
• 24:45
  What are the kinds of things that they say in their sleep? Oh things about the war?
• 24:50
  of the decimal
• 24:52
  the Great Depression
• 24:56
  How you they could use the used to goodbye a pop for a nickel
• 25:00
  Yeah, a lot of murmurs about how little bread used to cost
• 25:06
  Talk about remembering when roads were dirt. Yeah. Yeah, they remember the first highways when kids had respect
• 25:13
  Yeah, yeah, that's a big one Macklin schools were separate
• 25:16
  Oh, and you just sit here and listen to this I try to soak it all in I like to learn I'm a learner
• 25:25
  Sure, yeah, yeah, I'd take in all their thoughts and heaven sister like the thinker statue
• 25:30
  Yeah, it's it absorbs their thoughts, but I have like a little notepad and I write down all their I have scribblings of all their thoughts
• 25:37
  Yeah, but no letters. It's just scribbles just scribbles. Okay
• 25:41
  hieroglyphics
• 25:43
  On the icon decipher. I want to ask a question. I want to impose it out Alan you seem to have
• 25:49
  Reservations on whether or not Evan could actually pick up an old person a widow or with her with her
• 25:55
  How would you pick up an old person like since you just seem like you you don't think that Evans tactic is correct?
• 26:01
  Yeah, I don't I just don't think he's I don't think he's approaching it as efficiently as he could be
• 26:05
  I would dress as an old person or somebody from their past to get them up
• 26:10
  Yeah, I would show up dressed like Jimmy Stewart. Okay. Yeah, they people love people love Jimmy
• 26:16
  Jimmy back in the day that they're they'll do whatever for him
• 26:20
  Yeah, you know or I just dress like another old person. Yeah, so you're not saying you're not saying you should dress up in
• 26:27
  Snake skin cowliboo short denim shorts silk shirt nipple showing that's too far
• 26:33
  I think that I think that you should have a walker with tennis balls on it a
• 26:36
  Reservation for the early bird special you think yeah
• 26:41
  They just got done with someone that they had to take care of now. They want to go back to it
• 26:47
  That's a good point. That's a good point. He's playing chess over here. He's going he they don't maybe they don't want the same anymore
• 26:53
  Yeah, they want something different
• 26:55
  They're young when I break out when I break out that coupon book that has a coupon to Denny's
• 27:01
  Listen I can't got him in my hand son pull up a Denny's coupon on my phone
• 27:06
  21st century with that with that scarum. They'll call you a witch
• 27:11
  Well, I like this competition I like this kind of head-butting that y'all are doing he could bet right now
• 27:17
  How many old people do you think you could pick up with your method and I'll pose the same thing to you Evan
• 27:22
  How many old people do you think you could get using your method room full of people a funeral? It's a good place
• 27:27
  Obviously, what's the funeral venue size? What's like the max capacity?
• 27:31
  Um, let's say you can't go above about 300 without it being a fire hazard
• 27:37
  Okay, so there's like a rough 250 in there or then I'm gonna say 250 you wow
• 27:42
  You could go in there get anybody you wanted I could I could bat a thousand for sure. Yeah, okay
• 27:48
  Figuratively, right you you're not hitting these people with baseball bats. Well, I would only be batting 250 then
• 27:53
  Okay, so now all right
• 27:58
  He says he could he could get a hundred percent of any old person that he walks walks into it
• 28:03
  That's all that's awfully confident. I'm gonna say I'm gonna be honest. There's no way I'm getting a hundred percent
• 28:08
  I don't want a hundred percent of those old people Wow
• 28:12
  You're calling an Evan a whore. Yeah
• 28:14
  Evan and also just saying you're willingly losing a competition. Yeah, you will take any old
• 28:20
  Piece of meat. Yeah, what's your prize hen of an old person?
• 28:26
  That's a good point. Let's ask that question
• 28:29
  Who do you go for what type of old person you going for just above the Social Security line?
• 28:36
  Anybody above the social anybody about Social Security line. All right. I thought I was gonna be a little more specific
• 28:45
  They also need to have their own transportation
• 28:48
  I
• 28:49
  Am NOT a taxi driver. I'm not I'm not
• 28:53
  They're all appointments there. No, they need they need more doctors of visits today to be responsible for that
• 28:59
  Yeah memory is an option. They don't have to have it. You could get the same gift over and over again
• 29:04
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah might actually be a blessing. Yeah
• 29:08
  Especially you two. All right, Evan, who do you go for it old person? Do you I don't have a preference, you know, okay
• 29:13
  Okay. Well, you are both very vague. Um, but maybe we'll see maybe we'll see how that turns out
• 29:19
  We'll go to a funeral this weekend and have a little competition. Yeah, I think I'll be fun
• 29:23
  I wasn't even gonna be my answer
• 29:25
  but
• 29:27
  That wasn't you just that wasn't was that not my answer. I did see what like your what?
• 29:31
  I was just saying that wasn't gonna be my answer, but it really turned into my answer
• 29:35
  Oh, yeah, what was your answer gonna be? I just take the place of the person in the coffin so I can get free kisses. Oh
• 29:54
  Wow
• 29:59
  What's the kiss budget
• 30:01
  Right for a kiss from your wife. I'm broke
• 30:07
  If anything
• 30:09
  Our listeners the Saturday workers the Saturday workers that listen to us
• 30:14
  They know that heaven is starved for affection
• 30:17
  Any kind of physical contact so much so that he is willing to
• 30:20
  Do you get rid of the body in the coffin completely or do you just kind of weirdly sit on top of the body?
• 30:24
  Just like slide him out the side. He's laying in the back but like
• 30:28
  You know please he's still he's still in the coffin
• 30:32
  No, I slide him out the like the back of the cuff like off the side like behind the coffin
• 30:36
  So people are mangling in the the area the seating area and you're over there at the coffin
• 30:41
  Just trying to throw his body out of the bag trying to he's like a nut over that. Oh, yeah
• 30:47
  I try to drag him over well. Well, yeah, it would open the way it opens it
• 30:50
  You know hinges, but yeah, I have to drag him out the front, you know
• 30:53
  And then kind of scoot him around the back, but I would distract him
• 30:56
  I would have you know Alan there to be giving everybody prophecies and distracting him
• 31:02
  Oh, okay, so it's kind of it's a tag team deal
• 31:04
  Yeah, he distracts everybody with his prophecies and foretellings of how people will come to their demise and you know
• 31:12
  Grab him by the ankles yeet him. Just just to set him up in one of the seats weekend Bernie style
• 31:17
  You know, there's a bunch of old people there. There's probably these go like he's falling asleep like yeah
• 31:21
  I'll come over and try to give him his prophecy. Yeah, but he's like you're already dead
• 31:27
  We were like, holy cow. Holy cow. You called it
• 31:31
  That's interesting. Do people come up to the open coffin like man. Uncle Gerald looks great
• 31:38
  Really the embalmint fluid. I really did a work on him. It really got tan
• 31:44
  More worried about what happens when the body's a woman. Yeah
• 31:47
  And Ellen looks terrible
• 31:53
  She cut her hair she has a beard
• 31:59
  We should have visited her more
• 32:05
  Also your whole goal was to get free kisses now
• 32:08
  I haven't been to that many funerals, but I've been to a few
• 32:11
  I don't see a lot of people kissing the dead person in the casket. I don't either it may be one or two kisses
• 32:16
  Mainly from the spouse of the deceased, but I'm doing what I can to get those one
• 32:22
  Gotta get them. I think we're all thinking it so I'm just gonna say it. Do you expect tongue? I?
• 32:28
  Don't expect it, but it is appreciated. Yeah, do you try to give it?
• 32:33
  They lean down for the kiss and it's a I don't initiate but I okay, okay, okay
• 32:38
  Okay, you find that now I imagine between you and Alan at this funeral
• 32:46
  He's letting off letting off this relaxed cow moan that he does
• 32:51
  What kind of moan are you were letting off once that that kiss hits? It's more of a jubilant glee. Okay, give it to us
• 33:02
  Kind of like a smurf that found a pot of gold
• 33:04
  Now
• 33:08
  Let's get the listeners maybe if they went to this funeral if they attended this funeral with you two
• 33:13
  Maybe what it would sound like in the in the the building
• 33:16
  So y'all go ahead and give off your kind of moons at the same time not a moan
• 33:19
  I think I said a hum. Okay, the thin line between those two things, but okay
• 33:25
  What it just you know, we're sitting all sitting around and we're if you're walking if you're kind of walking in those front doors
• 33:30
  I'm mingling and sort of the the chair area and I'm just kind of mmm
• 33:35
  Someone gives me a little peck on the forehead
• 33:37
  I
• 33:39
  Don't know if we should look poorly on us or the people that are like, yeah, this is what we listen to
• 33:45
  I don't know if we should look poorly on us or the people that are like, yeah, this is what we listen to
• 33:53
  Thank you we keep coming back for this here's the the multiple
• 33:57
  multiple
• 33:59
  multiple
• 34:01
  multiple
• 34:03
  multiple
• 34:05
  multiple
• 34:07
  multiple
• 34:09
  multiple
• 34:11
  multiple
• 34:13
  multiple
• 34:15
  multiple moons
• 34:19
  Oh my gosh well
• 34:22
  Good lord
• 34:25
  Man well, here's what I do at a funeral
• 34:28
  I you know whether I show up to y'all's and with y'all or not is you know whole different story
• 34:32
  But funerals tend to be a bleak occasion. That's kind of sad. I want to make it more fun
• 34:36
  So I show up doing magic show up as a magician. Did they hire me? Probably not
• 34:42
  No, I just kind of show up anyway, I do what I do what an assortment of things
• 34:46
  to really lighten the mood and give people a laugh and maybe a sense of
• 34:52
  Excitement and joy number one thing I do we all know about the jack-in-the-box
• 34:56
  You know the toy with the the very classic music that plays before it springs up
• 35:03
  So close casket initially close casket either way. It doesn't matter to me
• 35:07
  What I will do is I will play this music with a handle on the end of the casket
• 35:12
  I start turning the handle bomb but not but not but not this person that was in a fiery car accident
• 35:19
  then
• 35:22
  Pops out
• 35:23
  Kind of went over the side
• 35:26
  People get a kick out of it. They laugh they
• 35:30
  It's hard to decipher whether they're laughing or screaming, but either way, it's better than crying
• 35:36
  Okay
• 35:37
  So it is just his top half like yeah
• 35:40
  Yeah, just make sure you can get jettisoned into the crowd. No, it's not like it's not like a fighter pilot that is
• 35:46
  Going down, you know, it's just kind of his top half. He pops out
• 35:49
  You know hangs over the side that and that's fun and that's great
• 35:52
  Yeah
• 35:52
  And another thing I was thinking about this is you know, geez are good
• 35:56
  Somebody come up and talking about you as a person you in your life how good you were but how much cooler
• 36:02
  Would it be if that dead person could speak about themselves in their eulogy?
• 36:08
  Yeah
• 36:08
  so what I will do is I will fasten an assortment of ropes and
• 36:13
  strings about their arms and legs and what I will do is I will marionette doll them up and up and around on the
• 36:20
  Stage and basically then be a ventriloquist and let them speak about themselves. I like it. You like that
• 36:27
  I think I think that was a cool idea
• 36:28
  I feel like you know, it's good it's good closure for the people that are grieving to see their dead relative
• 36:34
  Limply talk about themselves up on stage, especially if like the person is as you say died in a fiery car accident
• 36:41
  Yeah, they're close cast. They're unrecognizable. I mean, you know, I think it just gives an air of mystery like yeah
• 36:48
  Is this really grandpa or whoever?
• 36:51
  I said I had to put ropes on arms and legs, but depending on how bad the car accident is
• 36:54
  They might be missing a couple legs. It's easier job for me. Yeah, I like to put a couple ropes on an arm or so
• 36:59
  Mm-hmm. And do you do like a full ventriloquist act with them like a back-and-forth dialogue? Yeah, I do
• 37:06
  You have to suspend your disbelief as I am
• 37:09
  puppeteering the multiple ropes with both my arms and legs and
• 37:13
  But yeah, I will do a whole kind of like dialogue situation. We'll do an improv, you know, try to get some laughs
• 37:19
  Yeah, you know this person might not have been funny in real life
• 37:22
  But they're funny in death because of me and you memorize the the full Romeo and Juliet play
• 37:28
  I did we I did do I we do a lot of Shakespeare not classically a comedy
• 37:32
  But with jokes in there and you know, we really modernize it, you know
• 37:36
  You know, we would might do the Titanic scene and the coffins a great door. Uh-huh
• 37:41
  Yeah, you know what I will do is I'll be I'll be rose on the casket and the dead the dead individual will be hanging off
• 37:48
  This aside, you know, we'll give a very heartfelt
• 37:50
  Speech to each other and man it'll it brings a tear to their eye and it's not because they're seeing their dead burnt-up relative
• 37:57
  Outside of the casket. No, it's because we have drawn out the emotion in the act
• 38:03
  And don't you also after you do that scene you do the flash forward to the end of the movie where the old person plays?
• 38:10
  Bill Paxton and you play the old lady. Yes. Yes, and I have the whole I still have the diamond, you know
• 38:16
  Yeah, I do we even do the scene where I paint the nude body of
• 38:21
  Of the female actress. So yeah, it's we really in fact, let's just be real. We just did the whole Titanic movie
• 38:28
  We do the whole Titanic start to finish. I tried to downplay it and make it seem like we just do certain scenes
• 38:35
  I know we do the whole thing
• 38:38
  From start to finish and I am Rose in in it and usually the the deceased individual is Jack
• 38:44
  So is that how y'all put them in the ground is he's Jack and then you know
• 38:48
  Well, he kind of just slides off into the well
• 38:51
  Here's the thing usually if there's a pond or a retention pond in the back
• 38:54
  I we will just kind of use that as kind of the plate. They don't get a chance to bury them
• 38:59
  They just end up in the pond. Well, they might I got what I leave they might fish them out
• 39:03
  Didn't you do this when a funeral is at a church you use their church?
• 39:07
  Baptistry. Yes, I just let his dead corpse float into the bad. Yeah. Yeah, I did
• 39:12
  You know, do you get paid for this? Not not monetarily, but I think I get I get paid by
• 39:18
  The lifted spirits that I bring to these people and the friends you made Evan gets paid in kisses
• 39:24
  Did you know that I he doesn't get your kisses? Hey, I could I could kisses in the in the play
• 39:29
  Lots of lots of romance in the Titanic movie. I feel like you really do pick a lot of romance
• 39:35
  Yeah, yeah, I think about it pretty much everything we've mentioned is
• 39:38
  Romance you got a thing for dead people or I have a listen. I don't put a title on it
• 39:44
  I just have a thing. I have a thing for making people happy. I have a thing for making me happy
• 39:50
  People is me
• 39:53
  Go through the scene and my final act is again
• 39:56
  I I introduced my answer as me being a magician and really these uh, these answers were nothing a magician would do
• 40:02
  But the final act is what a magician does and we know the classic magician
• 40:09
  Bit where they put a person in a box and then they saw the person in half and the you know
• 40:15
  Of course, the person is still alive and well, you know, the the stage actress is alive and well
• 40:20
  Well, I do that with a casket. I dragged the casket up there. I'd comically large saw
• 40:24
  I haven't quite mastered how they figure how they cut somebody in half without cutting them in half
• 40:28
  But I think it just takes practice. So usually I saw right down the middle of the casket with the with the deceased person in it
• 40:35
  And you know, I pretend like I did something. Well, you get away with it because you know, they're dead. They're embalmed. They're yeah
• 40:41
  No more blood in there. There's nothing to spew out you would think blood does it feel it gets it's very liquidy though
• 40:46
  Yeah, yeah, it's very liquidy. But um, you know, I cut the casket right in half
• 40:50
  I'd take a bow and you know, I go mingle for the food afterwards
• 40:54
  And I thought you I know you started out with just cutting them in half and leaving them
• 40:57
  But I thought you introduced a way to put them back together
• 41:00
  And that was just like a bunch of globs of crazy glue chewing gum and crazy glue
• 41:04
  It's usually a great way to do it and I've been as I leave, you know
• 41:08
  I'm shaking hands and you know getting pats on the back for my fantastic
• 41:12
  Spectacle to happen on stage. I'm like listen guys. I haven't quite mastered the whole saw thing your
• 41:17
  Uncle Jerome is in two pieces, but here's what you do
• 41:20
  This is crazy glue and some chewing gum and you know, he'll be he'll be as good as new and you know
• 41:26
  And then I leave I'd leave him with a little bit of wisdom like that
• 41:28
  Yeah
• 41:28
  so they started out in a mix of horror and disbelief and you when when you're doing the jack-in-the-box
• 41:35
  Situation but then you leave them odd and amazed. Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah, well, we go through a full range of emotion
• 41:41
  They say grieving is a whole process with steps, but you've never seen somebody the steps of amazement
• 41:48
  Yeah, so many more steps and deeper and larger emotions go along with that
• 41:53
  I guess the only time people really show their full cycle of emotion is when somebody mutilates their dead family member
• 41:59
  Yeah in front of them through art. Yeah
• 42:02
  And I think it's it's interesting just the the range that they go through because their person is the person's already dead
• 42:10
  Yeah, but they're seeing their body mutilated, but they can't be too sad because they're already dead
• 42:15
  You know, I mean, there's just there's a lot of a lot of confusion. Yeah
• 42:19
  I love conflicting emotions in that mind nothing nothing helps closure then physically opening the body of their dead relative
• 42:26
  Yeah, no, yeah
• 42:27
  I mean, it's kind of like it's kind of like doing a flip in a car that you're in that
• 42:32
  You know, you're probably gonna die. Yeah, but in the moment you're like, wow, this is really cool
• 42:37
  Yeah, you for yeah, it's a rush of dopamine, you know
• 42:40
  Yeah, and listen, um like the great actresses and actors of old on stage
• 42:46
  I get a lot of things thrown at me a lot of crying just from the the great art that I did up on stage
• 42:53
  So I get a lot out of it. It's very fulfilling. It's good. But um, do you get a lot of like repeat business?
• 43:00
  Well, no, I tend to choose who I'm gonna go and do you know, they don't they don't they don't seek me out
• 43:06
  I seek them out. That's where I am in my business career
• 43:09
  I've gotten to the point where I find you you don't need to find me if you're lucky enough to
• 43:13
  See me walk in with a cape and a top hat and a comical art saw and you're lucky enough to have is there anything under?
• 43:20
  The cape and top hat clothing wise like you only mentioned two articles of clothing
• 43:24
  I'm worried that that might be the only articles of clothing you have
• 43:29
  especially with what you're doing to these dead bodies, yeah, I
• 43:33
  I don't go I don't go in naked. I you know, I'm respectful but you know, I go in free
• 43:38
  So usually it's just kind of a dependable adult diaper
• 43:41
  I'm up on stage for a long time
• 43:43
  Yeah
• 43:44
  I get that a lot of acts a lot a lot of acts to go through and if I get a scene wrong up there
• 43:49
  I just redo the scene
• 43:53
  Yeah, and it's you know the scene if you if something goes wrong up there
• 43:57
  It's always gonna be your fault. You cannot blame it on the dead guy. I do. How does that go over?
• 44:01
  Hey, it goes over well, I'm a great be a great lawyer
• 44:04
  I can I can blame anything on anybody. Yeah, it takes it's it's a few hours worth of worth of acting
• 44:10
  So, you know if you're lucky enough to have me come in with a cape top hat and an adult diaper
• 44:14
  You know, you're lucky enough to get what I have so it's pretty common when you go to a funeral to make a kind of noise
• 44:21
  Do you have a noise that you that you make it does seem to be becoming more and more common to have
• 44:27
  I'm hearing it a lot noise. I think I just I think my noise the noise that I say most is just kind of tada
• 44:33
  The jack-in-the-box tada, yeah, but not any more excited in there
• 44:41
  I'm humble it's humble
• 44:43
  So, you know the certain done today that that that that that that point that you know, the body comes out and I'm like
• 44:52
  Like you're unimpressed with what you're doing I've seen it a bunch
• 44:58
  That's not it's like you're nervous to see if they're excited. Yeah. Yeah
• 45:02
  Or you're you want you want to say something exciting, but you're taking a mournful tone because of the place you're at
• 45:08
  Oh, yeah
• 45:13
  The saw finally gets through the bottom of the coffin and
• 45:16
  Liquid starts dripping from the coffin. I come around to the the front and give a bow tada and then you know, yeah
• 45:23
  Okay, do we do we all want to do our noise or you know, give an impression of maybe what somebody might hear?
• 45:29
  Yeah, I was trying to think of like how you would factor into like me and Alan's thing
• 45:34
  I I don't know if everything's supposed to work together
• 45:37
  I would uh, I would be the one in the coffin
• 45:40
  But you know you can be in the coffin while I do the act
• 45:43
  You know the coffins kind of free for the most part depending on the scene
• 45:47
  That would make it kind of difficult because you would be you are normally working with a corpse now
• 45:52
  You're working with Evans live body. Yeah, I would get out of the coffin for the final
• 45:55
  Because it does involves us all and the jack-in-the-box one sounds like it may hurt my spine
• 46:01
  So yeah, I don't really want to be in there. Yeah. Yeah. Don't that's special to me. Let me the dead person
• 46:08
  The whole thing's special to you
• 46:12
  In a concerning way, let's be real the jack-in-box thing the body's halfway out already
• 46:16
  It makes it easy for you to pull out. I get that's when I slide in. Yeah, that's good
• 46:19
  You go see that I'm telling me it's all gonna work together
• 46:22
  Okay, it fits together like a good puzzle or Evan you could make the sawing in half trick work for Zack
• 46:27
  You could be the head of the body and then use that existing body as the legs. Yeah, there you go and
• 46:35
  There's still juices spilling out but it's not yours. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so so okay
• 46:39
  The situation is you just got done sawing a body in half
• 46:43
  Yeah, and the spouse has is just so excited
• 46:47
  You know that this whole performance went down that they had to come up to the head and give it a kiss, of course
• 46:54
  Just be like Gerald I'm so proud of what you just did in that scene
• 46:58
  And then of course Allen's doing what Allen does and just prophesying. Yeah do the entire act
• 47:04
  Yeah, so let's give it. Let's give a writing impression of what a funeral with us might sound like already. Here we go
• 47:10
  It's all breaks down. It's all right. She's
• 47:31
  And you wonder why we don't tell anybody outside of the people that listen that we do this
• 47:35
  We're we're all married men. Yeah
• 47:41
  adults
• 47:42
  Adults, there's so many people in our lives. We're talking about disappointed talking about children with our wives
• 47:50
  There's a look in a mirror when I
• 47:55
  But there you go if you're lucky enough to get us at a funeral
• 47:59
  You just know it's gonna be a lot more exciting than a bunch of old people crying and some guy up there talking
• 48:04
  So and if you made it this far, thank you
• 48:09
  Keep going. Anyway, all right this week we have a new little segment
• 48:13
  We want to throw at at you people. This one's called. What do they say and I have a phrase that
• 48:19
  specific people would say and I'm gonna pose a situation to the pod here and
• 48:24
  They're gonna have to answer to us. What do they think a person would say in that situation? So
• 48:29
  For this week, it's what do white people say or what would white people say?
• 48:34
  So for the first situation you walk into a co-worker's office a white co-worker's office and you ask them
• 48:40
  Hey, how's it going? What do you expect a white person to say in that situation?
• 48:43
  So we walk into a co-worker's office small talk ensues. Mm-hmm. The co-worker asked us what how's it going?
• 48:49
  No, you asked them. Okay. Okay. Okay. What would a white person answer to a white person? You ask them? How's it going?
• 48:55
  They'd say I can't complain but it wouldn't do me any good if I could there you go. There you go
• 49:00
  Amen, brother. They would definitely say live in the dream. Yeah any kind of nine-to-five job a white person
• 49:06
  That's pretty standard. Yeah, that's the standard
• 49:09
  I'll take a quote with those answers. Yeah, white person. Did you have an answer lined up? Live in the dream. Live in the dream
• 49:15
  It's a classic. They both work. Yeah, they both work. All right. All right scenario two
• 49:19
  You're a daughter and you walk into your living room wearing less clothes than you are
• 49:23
  in the living room wearing less clothes than normal a little bit revealing. Yep. And your dad sees you before you walk out
• 49:28
  What does your dad say to you? What does a white dad say to their daughter?
• 49:32
  A white dad might say if he's getting the milk for free, he's not gonna buy the cow
• 49:37
  That's a white person thing, right? Yeah. I'd say
• 49:41
  Well, not I'd say the dad the white dad would probably say you gonna catch a cold out there?
• 49:48
  That's good, too. No. Well, the answer I have is where's the rest of it?
• 49:53
  Where's the rest of it? That's a good one. That's true. Yeah
• 49:56
  That's a very white person thing. That I'm gonna say hoes don't get cold, but a dad wouldn't say that
• 50:01
  That's not like what a pimp would say
• 50:05
  All right next scenario
• 50:06
  So you're in a room with the white person and you go to leave but you left your keys on the counter
• 50:10
  So you have to walk back in and grab your keys. What does a white person say when you walk back in?
• 50:15
  Oh, we know this classic they say they say can't can't go anywhere without these
• 50:20
  That's a good one
• 50:21
  Or they might they might come in with a back already. Yeah, that's what I was thinking
• 50:26
  Yeah, okay, they might go already. Well, that was fast
• 50:29
  Yeah, that was fast
• 50:31
  All right, so you're outside throwing the ball with your dad you hear police sirens in the back
• 50:36
  What does he say? Like in the background? Are you just off in the distance? Yeah in the distance. Yeah
• 50:40
  I think I think he might just start singing the bad boys theme song from cops
• 50:44
  That's not bad. I think that's a pretty white person thing. Yeah, that's pretty white thing to do
• 50:48
  Hey, probably probably kind of look sort of longingly in the direction of the siren. He'd say well, they don't get him
• 50:58
  Yeah, what I have is oh they're coming for you oh
• 51:04
  That's it all right this next scenario you're with the white friend and you get a small amount of change back maybe a dollar or two
• 51:12
  Like you bought something. Yeah, like you you bought something or you found a dollar on the ground
• 51:17
  Yeah, maybe that's a better scenario you found a dollar on the ground and you just kind of lucked into some money
• 51:22
  Yep, white person sees that what they say to you. Don't spend it all in one place. Oh gosh, that's don't spend it all in one man
• 51:29
  Yeah, I feel like I feel like if a white person sees you pick up a penny
• 51:34
  They're gonna say something along the lines. Make sure it's heads up cuz that's good luck. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very white person thing
• 51:40
  Or uh, what's a year on that? Yeah? Yeah
• 51:43
  You make sure that's not a wheat penny. Yeah, that's definitely
• 51:48
  All right next scenario. You're out shopping with your white friend and
• 51:53
  There's no price tag on an item. Oh
• 51:56
  Or they say oh, I mean, I guess it's free, right?
• 52:01
  I don't know if there's another one. I think I think that is the only
• 52:05
  Option they can say that's that you have to say that if you're right
• 52:10
  If you don't you look at an item with no price tag you look down at the melanin content of your skin
• 52:15
  And you go I have very little you make eye contact with that cashier and she's like just go ahead and do it
• 52:23
  She sees you grab it on the the off the shelf and you're you got a smile on your face. She's like, yeah here it comes
• 52:32
  It's a company
• 52:34
  And you just joyly saunter up to the cash register
• 52:39
  Guess it's free then. All right this next one you're at home with your dad
• 52:44
  You left the door open the middle of the summer. Oh, yeah classic white person thing. What's dad gonna say?
• 52:48
  He's gonna he's gonna turn to you in a certain voice and go are we air conditioning the whole world? That's right
• 52:54
  I mean, what are we air conditioning the neighborhood or or now he it's in the summer
• 52:59
  He might also say you're letting all the bugs in yeah
• 53:01
  Yeah, sure. All right this one listen. This might be a little bit tougher you go to leave and
• 53:07
  Basically, yeah, honestly, you just go to leave maybe your parents house
• 53:10
  You're going back to your house or maybe someone's upset and they're trying to leave and somebody's like happy that they're leaving
• 53:17
  You know, what does what would a white dad say to that person? That's like, oh, I'm out of here
• 53:23
  I is the dad mad at
• 53:25
  He's indifferent but a little upset a little upset. I think he would say something along the lines of
• 53:31
  Don't let the door hit you on the way out
• 53:33
  I feel like I feel like that would be what a white dad would say, you know, just passive aggressive enough
• 53:39
  But you know not you don't want to cause too much of a so what I have down is don't let the door hit you
• 53:44
  Where the good Lord split you?
• 53:46
  That's a very southern
• 53:51
  That's a white dad one fiber I got man I just I got the image of the New Balance is a white song
• 53:58
  Flipping a patty on the grill. Yeah
• 54:00
  All right. All right this one you're out to dinner with your white friends and check comes to the table
• 54:05
  Hmm, what's dad gotta say or what's your white friend gotta say how much it's gonna set me back. That's a good one
• 54:11
  It's a good one. I feel like immediately a white dad
• 54:15
  Specifically will make the joke of he's got it. He'll point to maybe somebody
• 54:20
  That's true
• 54:22
  You got it right like points to his three-year-old daughter. Yeah, all right. You got it. Yeah, you got it
• 54:28
  What I had is what's the damage? Well, what's the damage? Yeah, basically what Alan said to yeah. All right
• 54:35
  this one this one kind of cracked me up when I found this one, but
• 54:38
  When an ad shows the hidden fees behind it kind of like, you know, you're you're scrolling you see a coupon or something
• 54:45
  And it says two for three dollars in small print at the bottom when you buy two of the large packs or something
• 54:51
  yeah, there's some stipulations you have to do to get the fees that they don't right publicly display and
• 54:57
  White person sees that what do they say? I feel like a white person might say devils in the details. That's good
• 55:03
  I was thinking
• 55:05
  Well, that's how they get you. Yeah, that's how they get you
• 55:08
  Now that's how they get you or I think they would say, you know something along the lines of you don't want to know
• 55:15
  How the sausage is made? Yeah
• 55:18
  It's a white person in that situation what I had down was that's how they get you. Yeah
• 55:22
  All right, you're out in the yard or out in your driveway washing your car
• 55:27
  Your old white neighbor walks by or is out in their yard and they see you washing their car
• 55:32
  What do they say to you mines over in the driveway? Oh
• 55:37
  Yeah
• 55:40
  You do mine next
• 55:45
  Very good classic you've been searching for something God knows how long and you finally find it
• 55:50
  Oh, you finally found the item. Okay find it. Okay, what'd they say? What does the white person say to you?
• 55:54
  They see you searching then well
• 55:56
  I know what a white person would say if you know, you're you're looking for something for an extended amount of time
• 56:00
  They might say well, it didn't grow legs and walk off. Yeah
• 56:04
  You know that's but if you found it you're asking if we found the item that we're looking for
• 56:08
  Well, we can start let's start with if you're just searching. Yeah, then they would definitely say, you know
• 56:14
  Sarcastically would say well it didn't grow legs and walk off. Yeah, they'd probably say well, where's your last place you left it
• 56:19
  Yeah, it's good here or you'd lose your head if it wasn't on your shoulders. Oh, yeah
• 56:23
  Yeah, all right
• 56:24
  So then you find whatever you're looking for
• 56:26
  What did they say to you kind of similar to what Allen said just a second ago? I don't have one for this
• 56:32
  What's that? I don't find a lot of things. Yeah
• 56:35
  What I got written down is it's always the last place you look
• 56:40
  It's all it's never helpful when you're looking for something
• 56:43
  The white person is the last person you want to ask to help you look because they're just gonna give you these vague
• 56:49
  Sarcastic answers that they want to they want to give you just enough to where they don't have to do anything
• 56:54
  But they can still say that they yeah, they held a little bit, you know
• 56:58
  Yeah, all right. I got two more for us
• 56:59
  So going back to co-workers but reverse it this time co-worker walks by and maybe you're looking at your phone for the first time this
• 57:06
  Hour, you know checking your text messages making sure nothing blown up. What do they what do they walk by and say to you classic?
• 57:12
  This is you working hard or hardly working. That's it
• 57:15
  I every time somebody says I just imagine some guy with pair of khaki dockers pulled up to their nipples
• 57:24
  Brown belt
• 57:25
  slapping their knee. Yes lab crisp button up blue in color
• 57:30
  Alright old white person sees something that kind of blows them away
• 57:34
  Or they're not happy about or you know that they didn't expect maybe they're surprised by a little bit
• 57:40
  Yeah, okay, or they're they're surprised a little disgusted. Maybe think old old white person
• 57:46
  Give me a situation where they'd be surprised
• 57:48
  so maybe maybe they're watching the news and the news is reporting on like a murder or something or like a
• 57:56
  Serial killing or something like that. Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't really doesn't have to be that dramatic
• 58:00
  Just I think I think they would if they're kind of disgusted by it
• 58:04
  I think they would say something along the lines of what has happened to this world
• 58:08
  Yeah, I wouldn't like this in my it wasn't like this in my day, you know, I
• 58:15
  Don't I
• 58:16
  That's that's I feel like that's the best answer. Yeah, what's the what's the answer to it?
• 58:20
  I got written down here in all my years. Oh in all my years in all my years. All right, that's all I got
• 58:27
  That's it. I like that. Listen at what age is three white people at what age do we start using these very cliche white people terms?
• 58:35
  Consistently, I feel like if we're being honest, we've probably already started
• 58:40
  Yeah, I started peppering them in like yeah, I'm talking to my co-workers and stuff and people that don't really know me
• 58:45
  Yeah, just to be a relatable person because I feel like you say it around like us
• 58:50
  We're gonna say something like why are you talking like a white dad? Yeah
• 58:54
  But if you say it around your co-workers, it makes you seem a little bit older. Yeah, you're like
• 58:59
  Around the block, you know
• 59:01
  The very white person yeah white people they also they also say it's Friday it's Friday. Thank God. It's Friday
• 59:09
  They got it's right in a Friday on Thursdays. They say it's Friday Eve. Yes. Yeah
• 59:14
  All they care about Friday. They don't like a Monday
• 59:19
  It's a Monday, but they don't like a Monday, but you you have prime conversation
• 59:24
  Subjects with a with a white person on a Monday, you know, you get to talk about your weekend. Yeah, you know
• 59:29
  What'd you do this weekend Steve you get to talk about maybe the grassy mode or yeah, you know
• 59:34
  They're working with white people try to avoid them
• 59:39
  Unless you just want to hear the same thing over and over again if you like repetition if repetition builds confidence
• 59:46
  Seek out those white people
• 59:49
  You if you want your life to be predictable take out a white person, huh?
• 59:53
  They're they're on a schedule. Do we think that the they have a script?
• 59:57
  Yeah, do we think the loss of the water cooler in a workplace has really hurt the white man? Hmm
• 1:00:03
  I think so. I think that was our downfall
• 1:00:06
  That's when it all started going down. I have to pitch that question to the QD NPR. I didn't talk about it
• 1:00:14
  Yeah, that sounds like a good question that's maybe changing the world
• 1:00:18
  I agree, but yeah, that's it got a hypothetical need some advice
• 1:00:22
  Questionable detour podcast at gmail got lots of people right man. Get in on it, you know get in early
• 1:00:27
  Let us know what goes on inside your heads
• 1:00:30
  Yeah, cuz you you know what goes on inside our head and you spend time listening to this podcast
• 1:00:36
  So yeah, the difference wrong with you and the message we want we want to know what's wrong
• 1:00:40
  The difference is we record what goes on in our head
• 1:00:42
  You do not so you're you're better off than us and the messages we have gotten
• 1:00:46
  Giving us a little glimpse inside your heads and it's a terrifying place. It's a terrifying. We were not much different. Yeah
• 1:00:51
  That's it boys. I want to be done