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The Highly Sensitive Woman in Midlife · The Uplifters

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  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Uplifters, you know how much I love experimenting and trying new things.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's Join the tribe.com, T-R-Y-B.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Uplifters, welcome back.
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  SPEAKER_01: Has anybody ever told you that you were too sensitive,
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  SPEAKER_01: maybe in like kind of a snarky, get it together kind of turn?
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  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they've said, why are you so emotional?
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  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe they've told you to toughen up.
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  SPEAKER_01: If so, you might be a highly sensitive person.
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  SPEAKER_01: We're going to talk today about what that actually means
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  SPEAKER_01: and specifically what it means to be a highly sensitive woman in midlife.
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  SPEAKER_01: What's happening in your body that might be contributing to some changes
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  SPEAKER_01: in your perception of things and why some of these sensitivities might intensify
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  SPEAKER_01: in this season.
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  SPEAKER_01: And finally,
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  SPEAKER_01: how to use the gifts and the superpowers of our sensitivity instead of trying
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  SPEAKER_01: to change ourselves into somebody we're not.
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  SPEAKER_01: My guest today is Dara Steinberg.
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  SPEAKER_01: She's a licensed occupational therapist,
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  SPEAKER_01: a certified parapenopause and menopause coach,
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  SPEAKER_01: a functional pelvic health practitioner.
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  SPEAKER_01: And she discovered that lots of the physical symptoms her clients were coming to her
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  SPEAKER_01: with were actually symptoms.
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  SPEAKER_01: Side effects of depletion from trying to hide their truly sensitive, beautiful selves.
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  SPEAKER_01: So she built a response to that to better serve her clients and to help all
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  SPEAKER_01: of us who've been told, you're too much.
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  SPEAKER_01: Get it together, girlfriend.
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  SPEAKER_01: She built her methodology, Slow Down to Become, to help us.
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  SPEAKER_01: And she's going to share that with us today.
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  SPEAKER_01: So get your pen and pencils out, friends.
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  SPEAKER_01: This is going to be a good one.
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  SPEAKER_01: If the conversation sparks something in you,
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  SPEAKER_01: if you want to find more, just head over to theuplifterspodcast.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Afterwards,
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  SPEAKER_01: join our paid subscriber group to join the conversation with Zara and all
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  SPEAKER_01: the other uplifters.
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  SPEAKER_01: I'll see you over there.
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  SPEAKER_01: But for now, let's dive in.
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  SPEAKER_00: Dara, welcome to The Uplifters.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me and thank you so much for that really nice introduction.
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  SPEAKER_01: You make it easy.
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  SPEAKER_01: I'm so excited to share you and your journey and your work with our little community
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  SPEAKER_01: of uplifters who I think probably in the Venn diagram
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  SPEAKER_01: of highly sensitive people are way overlapping.
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  SPEAKER_01: So before we get into you and your journey,
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  SPEAKER_01: just ground us a little bit in what it even means to be a highly sensitive woman.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah,
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  SPEAKER_00: so the highly sensitive trait was actually found by a psychiatrist and a researcher
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  SPEAKER_00: whose name is Elaine Aaron.
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  SPEAKER_00: And she studied humans as well as animals, as well as certain insects.
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  SPEAKER_00: And she found that approximately 10% of the population of each
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  SPEAKER_00: of those beings is what she calls highly sensitive.
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  SPEAKER_00: And what that means is that a highly sensitive person has a very sensitive nervous system.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so they process their environment very deeply, more deeply than most people.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so a highly sensitive person might notice facial expressions.
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  SPEAKER_00: They might be able to really pick up on what other people are feeling.
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  SPEAKER_00: They might be more sensitive to things like sound, smell, touch sensations.
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  SPEAKER_00: And because we process all of this stuff very deeply,
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  SPEAKER_00: it can also feel a little bit overwhelming.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we can sometimes need a little bit of extra time to process, a little bit of extra downtime.
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  SPEAKER_00: But there's also a lot of,
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  SPEAKER_00: it can feel very challenging to be a highly sensitive person in this world,
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  SPEAKER_00: in this part of the country,
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  SPEAKER_00: in the West,
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  SPEAKER_00: because a highly sensitive is not considered to be a quote unquote ideal trait,
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  SPEAKER_00: right?
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  SPEAKER_00: Because our society is really built for people who are like, get out there.
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  SPEAKER_00: We call them the hawks.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you look at our government,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you look at The way that most businesses are set up,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's really set up for that more hawkish kind of person.
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  SPEAKER_00: And those traits are considered ideal.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whereas if you go to the East,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you go to other countries like Japan,
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  SPEAKER_00: the highly sensitive trait is actually more sought after.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're more considerate of your neighbors,
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  SPEAKER_00: a quieter tone of voice, the way that things look, the aesthetics.
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  SPEAKER_00: Quiet is very important.
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  SPEAKER_00: So actually in other cultures, highly sensitive trait is really idealized.
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  SPEAKER_00: So for those of us that are highly sensitive that are living in the Western culture,
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  SPEAKER_00: it can sometimes feel painful.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because we are often told that our responses to things are inappropriate.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we can start to feel at a very young age like there's something wrong with
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  SPEAKER_00: the way that we're responding to the world around us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we can start to override the way that we naturally feel about things so
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  SPEAKER_00: that we try to fit in.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that can cause a lot of trouble as we go into our lives.
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  SPEAKER_00: Our bodies are very intelligent.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're constantly communicating to us the things that we need,
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  SPEAKER_00: things that are good for us, things that aren't good for us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if we start to distrust our bodies,
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  SPEAKER_00: it can be really,
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  SPEAKER_00: really painful for us as we go through life,
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  SPEAKER_00: trying and kind of creating a life that doesn't really reflect who we are.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I see a lot of women kind of get into a state of misalignment.
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  SPEAKER_00: They can be exhausted, overwhelmed, and really kind of feel like they don't know what to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every morning they're waking up feeling like I'm so exhausted, sleep doesn't help.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's a really interesting place to be.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I really want to support women in this area because I'm also highly sensitive, so I get it.
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  SPEAKER_01: I imagine that this is something that often gets sort of misdiagnosed
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  SPEAKER_01: and I like hesitate to use the word diagnosed because I think it sort
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  SPEAKER_01: of makes it sound again like there's something wrong with it.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I think your point is that no, it's just, it is an archetype or a way of being in the world.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's not a problem to be treated.
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  SPEAKER_01: And yet I imagine that people often come to you after you Feeling like,
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  SPEAKER_01: do I have an autoimmune disease?
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  SPEAKER_01: Do I have...
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  SPEAKER_01: So what are some of the things maybe that it gets misdiagnosed for?
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  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's an interesting question.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what I would say is when we go through our lives trying to be different than
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  SPEAKER_00: who we truly are,
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  SPEAKER_00: when we try to override all of the things that our body and our mind is telling us,
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  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens,
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  SPEAKER_00: we know that a nervous system that is constantly in a heightened state has a lot
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  SPEAKER_00: of difficulty repairing the body.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so we can see a lot of things that chronic stress can cause in the body.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so we know that chronic stress can cause difficulty with sleep.
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  SPEAKER_00: We know that chronic stress can It can affect autoimmune diseases.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can affect our ability to repair from maybe illnesses that we've had in the past
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  SPEAKER_00: that are kind of living in our bodies and then sneak up again.
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  SPEAKER_00: And as we go into perimenopause,
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  SPEAKER_00: when our estrogen starts to fluctuate significantly,
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  SPEAKER_00: estrogen is a very protective hormone.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when that starts to fluctuate,
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  SPEAKER_00: naturally it can be more difficult for us to repair the body,
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  SPEAKER_00: to be able to sleep well, to be able to manage stress.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you add to that a nervous system that is constantly hyper-aware and in
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  SPEAKER_00: a constant state of stress, then you can see a lot of other symptoms.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can see heightened hot flashes, more difficulty with sleep.
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  SPEAKER_00: More difficulty getting over illnesses.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's like everything kind of gets heightened.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I wouldn't say that being a highly sensitive person necessarily gets diagnosed incorrectly.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I think that if you're a highly sensitive person and you aren't living a life
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  SPEAKER_00: that supports who you are,
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  SPEAKER_00: that you can go into a state where your body is in chronic stress.
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  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
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  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it does.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I think you mentioned being a highly sensitive person
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  SPEAKER_01: and I think it sounds like something similar happened to you.
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  SPEAKER_01: So what was your journey to understanding your own nature and what changed
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  SPEAKER_01: for you once you learned to accept and embrace yourself?
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  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I was definitely highly sensitive from the time that I was a child
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  SPEAKER_00: and I struggled a lot in school.
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  SPEAKER_00: The environment always felt to me really noxious.
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  SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
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  SPEAKER_00: And little things that people would say to me would really stick with me.
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  SPEAKER_00: And always said to myself, I just wish that I could get rid of this sensitivity.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just wish that I could grow out of this.
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  SPEAKER_00: How do I make this go away?
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  SPEAKER_00: And I tried a lot of different ways to like make it go away.
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  SPEAKER_00: I tried to pretend that I was a tough girl.
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  SPEAKER_00: I tried everything that I could do to kind of pardon myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I decided to go into occupational therapy because I really wanted to help people.
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  SPEAKER_00: That was my goal.
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  SPEAKER_00: And what I found when I went into the field is that most of the companies,
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  SPEAKER_00: the hospitals, the schools, the expectations are extremely high.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you're treating between 10 to 15, sometimes more people in one day.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a considerable amount of documentation that has to be done for each
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  SPEAKER_00: of those patients.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's all of the interactions that you have to have with the nurses,
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  SPEAKER_00: with the physicians, with your supervisor, with your colleagues.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I would come home every day and just be exhausted
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  SPEAKER_00: because I would have given 150% throughout the day because I really cared.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I would always feel like, why is everybody else fine?
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  SPEAKER_01: But I seem to be struggling with this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Everybody seems to be doing okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then I would find there would be some people that were also struggling with it too.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so I tried different settings.
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  SPEAKER_00: I tried going into a managerial position.
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  SPEAKER_00: And there was a lot of pressure and a lot of expectation,
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  SPEAKER_00: a lot of hours spent during the day being in constant interaction with people.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so I really needed to just take a step back and reevaluate How am I going
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  SPEAKER_00: to be able to serve for the next 15 to 20 years of my life and to be able to do it
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  SPEAKER_00: in such a way that it's not going to cause me to be in physical
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  SPEAKER_00: and emotional depletion?
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  SPEAKER_00: And I actually did hit burnout and I did have to, because burnout is pretty serious.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_01: You have to take time out and you have to...
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  SPEAKER_01: And distinguish that for folks from like the sort of like,
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  SPEAKER_01: I'm so burned out, like I've had a rough week and actual clinical burnout.
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  SPEAKER_00: Burnout is when you sleep, but you wake up and you're still tired.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that can go on for weeks or months.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can often have other physical symptoms,
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  SPEAKER_00: like there can be issues with digestion that pop up,
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  SPEAKER_00: because again, this is all related to your nervous system.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so digestive issues,
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  SPEAKER_00: physical issues, a feeling of exhaustion that just a vacation doesn't fix.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of women are dealing with that on a daily basis.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they're just kind of like, this is how life is.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is how I'm moving through life.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so for me... Tolerating.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah,
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  SPEAKER_00: just tolerating it and just assuming that this is what we have to do in order to be
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  SPEAKER_00: the best worker, parent, partner that I can possibly be.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I see women doing this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Women are in this day and age...
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  SPEAKER_00: Working full-time jobs.
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  SPEAKER_00: They are the main caregivers often for their families,
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  SPEAKER_00: making sure that everything's running smoothly with the family.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then you add to that a 24-hour news cycle.
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  SPEAKER_00: You add to that social media, social expectations.
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  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of women are on edge.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they are looking at everybody else and they're thinking
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  SPEAKER_00: that everybody else is doing just fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: And how come I'm the only one that feels this way?
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  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of us that are feeling this way.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is actually, I speak to many, many women, whether they're highly sensitive or not.
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  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of women are feeling this way right now.
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  SPEAKER_00: The highly sensitive nature,
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  SPEAKER_00: I think, can add to it because of the sensitivity of our nervous system.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can be just a lot more Sensitive to our environments.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it can actually hurt.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can actually be even more challenging for us if we're doing all of this
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  SPEAKER_00: to our system and we're not taking the time to rest and we're not taking the time
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  SPEAKER_00: to recalibrate.
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  SPEAKER_01: So going back to your story, you got to burnout.
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  SPEAKER_01: I did, yeah.
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  SPEAKER_01: And what did that look like for you?
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  SPEAKER_01: Can you take us back to a moment where you were like, this is untenable?
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my body literally was like, no, we are not doing this anymore.
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  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I got a very definite no in my body.
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  SPEAKER_00: Can you describe it for us?
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a good question.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was like a feeling of I cannot keep going forward.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was like I physically and emotionally, it was like hitting a block.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was like hitting a wall.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the idea of having to keep pushing through that wall was more than I could manage.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then I was dealing with digestive issues.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, a lot of sleep issues.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when I finally was able to take some time off,
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  SPEAKER_00: it took me a really long time to rest enough and do enough care of my body to get to
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  SPEAKER_00: the point where I felt like I could move on and do something else,
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  SPEAKER_00: where I could feel inspired, where I could feel...
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  SPEAKER_00: Uplifted again enough to be able to make another choice.
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  SPEAKER_01: What did that process of digging yourself out look like?
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  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot of rest.
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  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot of spiritual practice.
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  SPEAKER_00: I worked with some teachers where we did body-based practices,
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  SPEAKER_00: a lot of somatic work, as well as energy practices.
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  SPEAKER_00: I really cleaned up my diet and giving myself a lot of nutrients,
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  SPEAKER_00: a lot of movement throughout the day,
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  SPEAKER_00: just kind of like really like Carrying like chopping wood,
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  SPEAKER_00: carrying water kind of stuff to come out from that.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it took a long time.
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  SPEAKER_00: And there was a period of time where it was like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I really struggled because I felt like, am I just lazy?
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  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I move through this?
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  SPEAKER_00: I felt stuck for quite some time, like six months to a year.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was really hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it took me a while to climb out of it.
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  SPEAKER_00: But for me, it really was like, Let's get our body back online.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's take good care of our body.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's take good care of our nervous system.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's make sure we're doing our practices each day.
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  SPEAKER_00: And working with teachers who were inspiring and who were supportive and
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  SPEAKER_00: who were helping me to dig out of that hole that I was in.
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  SPEAKER_01: So once you started to do that work, what did you notice shift for you?
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  SPEAKER_00: My digestive issues significantly reduced.
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  SPEAKER_00: I started having a better time sleeping.
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  SPEAKER_00: My mood started to improve.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I started to get little glimpses of excitement about possibilities for the future.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of gave myself that space to start to create something new and
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  SPEAKER_00: And I started to take certification courses in women's health and just kind
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  SPEAKER_00: of was allowing myself to dream and become inspired again and to gain.
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  SPEAKER_00: So my energy started to return and I kind of felt more in tune with like the natural cycle
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  SPEAKER_00: Like I started to feel inspired again, you know?
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  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about the midlife shift that happens in women and why
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  SPEAKER_01: so many women start to get curious about their sensitivities and their way of seeing
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  SPEAKER_01: the world in midlife.
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  SPEAKER_01: So what's changing in our bodies,
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  SPEAKER_01: what's changing in our minds that contributes to this sort of moment of realization
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  SPEAKER_01: for so many people?
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  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, a lot of people talk about midlife as being like a second adolescence.
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  SPEAKER_00: Our hormones kind of get a little crazy.
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  SPEAKER_00: For men, their hormones are like, every day it's like this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every day, it's like they release the same hormones every day.
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  SPEAKER_00: When they start to get older, it's a quieter shift.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whereas with women,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's like we start to go into perimenopause and our estrogen starts going all over
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  SPEAKER_00: the place and our hormones can be all over the place.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's also an interesting time because as our estrogen starts to decline,
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  SPEAKER_00: our estrogen makes us really want to nurture other people and love on our kids
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  SPEAKER_00: and love on our families.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when we get into that midlife point, we start to...
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean this in a selfish way,
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: but we start to look at ourselves and sort of say like, well, what do I need?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of us are also,
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: when we're in midlife,
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: not everybody,
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: but a lot of us have children that are starting to get older,
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: starting to take better care of themselves.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them are going to college.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so women suddenly have a little bit more time to themselves.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And they're sort of naturally in a state where they're starting to reconsider
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: What they want for the next 20 to 30 years of their lives, starting to make new choices.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know there was one point in my life when a teacher said to me, you can always choose again.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's such a beautiful thing to think about,
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: that we can always make new choices.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think we kind of get stuck in this idea that I've made this choice and I need
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: to see it through and I'm gonna push through this no matter what it does to my body.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I think being in midlife gives us that opportunity to kind of make new choices,
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: to start to center ourselves more in our lives as opposed to our families
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: and our children.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: That can make,
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: it's a really interesting opportunity to be able to make some changes
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: that can really benefit the way that you feel both emotionally and physically.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's such a beautiful description of it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it points to something that I just fundamentally believe
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: that each moment in our lives is primed for certain things, but not for others.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: For instance, at 51, this would not be an easy time to get pregnant, right?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: But it is,
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: as you said,
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: it's hormonally well-primed for investment in myself and my own voice
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: and my own needs, right?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think when we are in alignment with what we are doing, We are well primed for.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's just a whole lot less friction.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: Things are a lot more energizing and a lot less depleting.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's when we get stuck in the past that we feel like we're being sucked into a hole.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: So in the spirit of that,
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: let's talk about just the benefits of sensitivity and the gift of sensitivity.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: Why you say it's not a flaw.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so if we look at ancient cultures, the sensitive person would have been the healer.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: They would have been the tracker.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: They played a very important role.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: In the community, you had those guys that were like the hunters.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then you had like people that felt things and knew that things were going
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: to happen before they happened and could feel when there was a change in
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: the environment.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: So a highly sensitive woman that is standing in her power is actually really powerful.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: She can see things that other people don't notice.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not just talking about like psychic abilities.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about real world.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you're running a team,
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: for example,
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: you can really sense what each of those team members needs from you and how
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: that person needs to be spoken to.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: What would that person benefit from?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can fine-tune the way that you approach somebody and get more out of
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: a relationship with somebody because you can read them and on a level that somebody
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: who wasn't highly sensitive wouldn't be able to do.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's an incredible benefit as long as it's balanced because
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: the sort of unbalanced side of
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: that is I'm feeling everybody else's emotions all day long and I'm attuned
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: to everybody else's needs all day long and I'm completely disregarding myself
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: and I'm burning myself out, right?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a balance there.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Highly sensitive people are going to be really, really creative.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to see them in the arts.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's that highly sensitive,
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: attuned nature that they have that brings out this brilliance,
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: whether it's musicians or visual artists.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I've spoken with a lot of artists who have said like, this is This is what I get.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: My sensitivity is what I get my inspiration from.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll notice that a lot of artists, they live in a very different kind of way.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: They have a different cycle.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: They have a different schedule.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: They go through periods of time where they write writers too,
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: where maybe they need to not speak to people so that they can hear what's inside
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: of them.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: So there's so many powerful...
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Things about being a highly sensitive person,
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: if you're in the helping profession,
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: doctors,
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: therapists,
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: you're going to be able to tune into your patients in this really specific way
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: and be able to really get a sense of what can help them,
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: what's the best way of communicating with them.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there are so many beautiful things about being a highly sensitive person
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: that I think our society kind of misses.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it just,
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: as you described sort of those ancient archetypes,
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: it became so much clearer to me what you were talking about
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: and how beautifully it can perform within nature.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: The system and how complimentary those skills are.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you started to speak about this,
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: but just can you give us some concrete ideas about if we love
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: a highly sensitive person, how we can support them and be a good ally to the HSPs?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I think highly sensitive person is going to need a little bit more processing time.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are...
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to a big party and you have so much fun at that party.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards,
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: that highly sensitive person might need to take a step back and maybe rest
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: a little bit, be by themselves, which is really hard for some people to understand.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that understanding that the person needs a little bit more downtime
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: than some people and it's not laziness.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually what they need to do to fine tune themselves and to be able to recover
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: and repair and show up fully.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think if you have a child who's highly sensitive
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: and they're having these like really big emotional reactions to things
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: that are happening in school and it's really hard for you to understand it
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: because you don't have those kinds of reactions,
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: just being there for them,
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: validating them and just understanding
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: that Their nervous system is processing things on a very different level.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so how can you, the highly sensitive is not going to go away, right?
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can't wish it away.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can't, but you can support it.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if somebody is going through a particularly hard time
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: and they're feeling really triggered by something that's happened that day,
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Doing body-based practices that are really joyful can be really helpful.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: So getting back into the body, going for a walk, connecting with somebody that you love.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: So allowing the person to process what's happened and then...
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Going into something joyful where there's some connection can really help to shift
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: that state away from,
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be processing this for the next 72 hours because I'm really upset.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: Those are such great examples of things we can do for one another, but also for ourselves.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: So tell us about your framework.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: How does it work?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing that we're doing is we're stabilizing the nervous system.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: So when I talk about stabilizing the nervous system,
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about being calm all the time.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of people think about that,
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: like when they think about nervous system regulation,
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: they think like, oh, I have to be calm all the time.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not what it is.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being able to respond to your environment and then being able
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: to come back into safety,
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: being able to come back into that parasympathetic rest
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: and digest nervous system state.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when we're
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: in chronic Nervous system activation is it can be really hard for us to come back to
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: that state.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's the state where we have repair to the body, repair to the mind.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step is like coming out of those chronic states of fight,
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: flight, freeze, fawn, those chronic nervous system states.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's about reclaiming Who we really are reclaiming our energy.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us who are highly sensitive,
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: we give a lot of ourselves to other people and we don't hold the energy
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: for ourselves.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're in a chronic state of depletion because we're constantly overgiving.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: So a really big part of this is learning when you are like over merging
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: with other people and taking on other people's stuff and absorbing their moods,
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: for example.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I used to do that a lot when I was in my work and understanding
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: that you're not responsible for other people's moods.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: So that's like step two is like, where am I over merging in my life?
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I leaking out energy?
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I contain my own life force so that I'm serving myself first so
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: that I'm not giving from an empty cup, which is really important.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's like restoring the natural physical systems in your body.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been chronically depleted for a long period of time,
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: we're going to be looking at what's happening with your digestion.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are you having breakfast in the morning?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of women are like, yeah, I drank my coffee and I'm out.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: And think about what that's doing,
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: especially as a woman who's in midlife, you need to be nourishing yourself.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be giving to your body as well.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: So stabilizing the physical system for your digestion,
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Your elimination pathways,
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: making sure that you're sweating or pooping properly,
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: all those things that some people don't love to talk about,
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: but that are so important.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: So a big part of this, it's not just emotional.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: A big part of this is also physical.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: How we're treating our bodies directly affects the way that we're showing up every day.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's about connecting again to joy.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Finding like, what is it that really lights you up in your life?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people are disconnected from the things that bring them joy.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And joy and connection,
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: pleasure,
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: being with other people and enjoying being with other people is such
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: an important part of being a woman.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that's another part.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then creating a life that is like in alignment with who you are now.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: So what are we taking some of the things off your plate that aren't working for you?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be today.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: It could be six months from now.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: But starting to plan,
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: like maybe I'm not going to volunteer to be the hockey coach again next year.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it this year.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe next year, I'm going to step back from that commitment because I really...
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I need something different in order to sustain.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: So then it's about creating a life that's really in alignment with
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: who you actually are now and moving forward from that place.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: So taking things off your plate that aren't working for you,
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: bringing things into your life that are inspiring,
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: that are nurturing,
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: and that are allowing you to be more of who you really are so
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: that you're not waking up in the morning Like I am exhausted.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm terrified.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even want to go through this day, which is how a lot of women are feeling right now.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's so thoughtful.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I love the ease with which we move through these stages and how holistic it is.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a feeling a lot of people are listening to this and some are saying,
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: oh yeah, I know I'm a highly sensitive person.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is really helpful.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: But I imagine a lot more saying, I might be a highly sensitive person.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_01: So how do you recommend people go about identifying their sensitivity?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people who are highly sensitive probably know that they are.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: They probably self-identify.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: They've probably been told from the time that they were very young that they're too much.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're too sensitive.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Their responses to everyday interactions are inappropriate.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they've been shamed for it from a very young age.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're very sensitive to smell, to taste, to touch, to sound.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big one.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you have an interaction with somebody like your supervisor calls you into
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: the office and you have like a really difficult conversation with them and like for
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: the next three days you are still processing that information,
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: it's quite possible that you're a highly sensitive person.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love it.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: We have done quizzes online, my children and I, to
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_02: identify our sensitivity.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it was really enlightening.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I think just as a family,
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: it was an interesting exercise to see and discuss where we noted those sensitivities
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: and our range of sensitivity.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you did that with your family.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: How cool for your kids because what a supportive thing.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: For them to know that about themselves.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was really lovely.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I have one daughter with autism.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think autism and high sensitivity are probably, again,
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: big on that Venn diagram overlap because that's one of the markers of autism is
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: a sensory sensitivity.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: And even though rightly it is not necessarily aligned with Sort of an ability
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_01: to read other people's moods and emotional sensitivity.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of an interesting zone in there.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah,
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: it was really lovely to have those conversations about like,
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_01: oh, well, I'm really sensitive to that.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really sensitive to this.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it is very much a part of our family culture for us to get all rah-rah
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: and be like, let's go play.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go do this.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: And for somebody to be like, I really need some time alone.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: To just recenter and reconnect to myself.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then once I feel better, I'd like to come play with you all.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's just like a normalized part
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: of our little home because we all tend
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: towards over-functioning.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_01: Good for you guys.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so we've kind of consciously all worked on it together, including my husband.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just women,
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: though I think it is quite a trait, maybe more commonly associated with women.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: So for the highly sensitive midlife woman, we love her.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_01: What is one thing you would suggest she begin with
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: if these sensitivities are getting in her way and making it harder for her to thrive
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: in this stage?
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have something on my website.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the safety map.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's free.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a personalized nervous system profile that you fill out on your own,
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: take a little time when you're feeling nice and calm and maybe have a cup of tea
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: and fill it out.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it really helps you to understand what makes you feel unsafe,
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: what kinds of things are triggering to you,
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: and then what kinds of things are really calming to your system.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would definitely recommend checking that out.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can also check out,
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: obviously,
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Elaine Aron has a few books about highly high sensitivity as well, which is great.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: Really starting to understand What kinds of things make you come into that state
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: of calm and rest and digest?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what kinds of things pull you out of that state?
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just like you were saying with your own children,
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: how you have somebody that's like,
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: they've learned about their own nervous system state and then they're able
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: to say like,
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: actually,
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: I need to take a minute and be by myself and then I'll come and join the family.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like that person is going to...
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: Be so much more connected to who they really are when they become adults by having
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: that understanding of their own system and the permission of their family.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's huge.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's huge.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think too what I'm taking from this is it's really like let's talk
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_01: about it instead of trying to hide it or fix it with some sort
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: of shame around our natural way of being.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this has been so fun to talk to you about Dara.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for all the work that you've done
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: to support highly sensitive women,
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: but also just for walking us through some of these tools and techniques
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: and sharing your story.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_01: For those listening, I'm going to say...
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: Come on over to theuplifterspodcast.com where you can meet Dara.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: I will invite her into our Substack community chat so you can connect
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: with her there.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: But for those who want to find you and more about your work, tell us about your website.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: Tell us what we can do to uplift you and support you in reaching more people.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so my website is slowdowntobecome.com.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so you can look at my website, download the safety map, and you can follow me on social.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at Slowdown to Become, both on Instagram and on Facebook.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know other women that you think would benefit from this work,
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: To turn them my way because I really want to support thousands of women
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: to really claim who they are and to live in a place of alignment with
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: who they really are.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you said that, Dara.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think those sort of visions of the future are really energizing
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: when we say them out loud and also really scary for a lot of us to say,
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_01: I want to help a lot of people.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think every time we model that,
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: we start to destigmatize that urge in ourselves too and put ourselves in a position
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: to be able to like make it a reality instead of just a quiet hidden dream.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_01: So high five and thank you.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: So every guest on our show nominates another guest.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: Who would you like to nominate?
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I would like to nominate my teacher, my mentor.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: Her name is Sarah Entrup.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-N-T-R-U-P. And she is an amazing teacher and healer.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: And she really inspired me to take this path.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: She does amazing work both with women and also with women and couples
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: and really helping them to,
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: she helps people to love themselves more, to understand themselves more.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then she also helps couples to love themselves more in such a beautiful way.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: She does work that I've not seen anybody else doing.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: I can't wait to meet Sarah and learn more about her work.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: And the inspiration just keeps going and growing.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's the best.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: Dara, thank you again.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you listening,
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_01: you know where to find Dara and I. I'll put everything in the show notes.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's somebody you want to hear from,
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_01: you are always so welcome to nominate someone for the show.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_01: If they inspire you, there's a good chance they'll inspire the rest of us.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_01: Here's to doing some big, brave things in midlife
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to The Uplifters Podcast.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you're getting a boost from these episodes,
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_01: please share them with The Uplifters in your life and then join us in conversation
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_01: over at theuplifterspodcast.com.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: Head over to Spotify,
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Apple Podcasts,
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_01: or wherever you get your podcasts and like, follow, and rate our show.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: It'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_01: of these beautiful stories.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_03: Big love.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_03: Painted water, sunshine.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_03: With rosemary and tongue, dwell in love perplexing, though you find it vexing.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_03: Toss a star and hover, be your own best lover.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_03: Relish in a new prime, land a tree in springtime.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_03: Dance with idle hindsight, bring the sun to twilight.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_03: Lift you up.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_02: I cried.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's that little
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_02: thing you did with your voice.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_02: Right, in the pre-chorus, right?
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_02: I was like... Mommy, stop crying.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_03: Mommy, stop crying.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_01: You're disturbing the peace.