Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Strategic by Design: The Science Behind Becoming Your Best Self in Life and Love | Dr. Christopher N. Cross

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Strategic by Design: The Science Behind Becoming Your Best Self in Life and Love | Dr. Christopher N. Cross · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

0:16
As we honor Black History Month, we uplift Dr. Dorothy I Hide.
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Widely. Known as the Godmother of the
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Civil Rights Movement, Doctor Hyde wasn't just present, she
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was a principal architect behind the scenes advancing civil
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rights, women's leadership, education and family well-being.
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For decades, she served as the national President of Delta
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Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, shaping policy,
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mobilizing communities, and ensuring Black women's voices
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were never sidelined in the fight for justice.
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Our legacy reminds us that lasting change is built through
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vision, strategy, and care for the whole community, mind, body
1:01
and spirit. Good morning and welcome to Rise
1:07
and Thrive for Doctor J Nicole, where we are rising in faith and
1:09
thriving in purpose. Today's episode I am joined by
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the ultra talented Christopher Cross.
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Doctor Christopher Cross, and he's going to break down some
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high level strategies from science, engineering and
1:27
business and help us understand how it applies to real life and
1:31
relationships. And his core message is quite
1:34
simple. It's not that people are broken
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as much as they just lack strategy and particularly in
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love. Welcome.
1:42
Craig, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me.
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I'm so excited to be here. Been looking forward to this so
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you know, let's get into it. OK, but before we dive right in,
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tell the people a little bit about you.
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So I'm Doctor Christopher Cross. My background is in a lot of
2:03
sciences, but honestly, I really, I think the best
2:06
identity for me is as a multidisciplinary strategist.
2:10
I really kind of pull together a lot of my learnings across so
2:15
many different disciplines and engineering and science and
2:18
business to really think through how do I apply this in my
2:22
everyday life when I'm not in a traditional career path.
2:26
And I feel like I have cracked the code in a few different ways
2:30
and that I'm happy to share today in the context of our
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conversation. Yes, I'm already excited.
2:36
So we're taking business engineering.
2:38
And which one am I missing? Business, Engineering,
2:41
Neuroscience. What?
2:42
Science. Yeah.
2:43
All the science, all the science and breaking it down.
2:47
And so I had the honor of being in school at Howard University
2:52
with Doctor Cross. It's how we how, I can't
2:56
remember our initial meeting, but I know it was the cabin
2:59
trip, the ski trip that really solidified our connection.
3:02
We had a solid group of folks that went on that ski trip that
3:06
year up to the Poconos. You coordinated that year too.
3:10
I think I did. I think I did coordinated.
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I was one of the GSA reps. Yeah, yeah.
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So, yeah, that's that sealed the deal.
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And then I remember supporting you when you were running for
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graduate trustee and secured it. We got it, we got it.
3:26
I remember the T-shirts, remember I had the cheaters
3:29
made. And like there's a picture of
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us, like it's like the three of us from the back.
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My gosh, be you and appreciate what's.
3:37
This. I love that photo.
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Like all the memories are are coming back and who knew?
3:45
Like that's well over a decade ago.
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Can you believe? That look time is crazy.
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Like, it's so interesting, but I mean, it's so good though at the
3:54
same time, you know? It is.
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Well, thank you for allowing me to go down memory lane and let's
4:00
get into it for what the people really came for today.
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So when you say you've cracked the code, what do you really
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mean? So it's come about because I'm
4:09
the founder of a company called the Strategy Lab.
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So it's the dash strategy-lab.com.
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And if you go to there, you can see on the about page, it says
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really like 1 dimension, like it says like one method every
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dimension. And so the core sort of
4:27
principle is a framework that I call like bio psychosocial
4:33
methodology. So you're coming.
4:35
Do you think social work? Is combining, you know, biology,
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sociology and psychology and clearly, which is one of the
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reasons we've I think stayed connected.
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I think a lot of times for me, my early career was in
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biomedical engineering, neuroscience, right, and
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population genetics. And then I got exposed to
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policy, science policy in particular, and then started my
5:01
own consulting firm, you know, around like HealthEquity, which
5:05
is kind of blending those things.
5:07
But then as a person, right, as a human being outside of the rat
5:13
race, there was a lot of development I still needed to do
5:18
as it related to how, who am I to me when I'm not these
5:24
identifiers as the things that I do, you know, who am I to me and
5:29
how do I relate to others? And that's really that thing.
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For me, the newest iteration is that psychology is that identity
5:37
understanding of who I am and how it intersects with those
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other two biological and sociological spaces.
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So when I talk about cracking the code, it's around pulling
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elements from all of those and trying to achieve alignment
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across whether it is in work, whether it is, you know, even in
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love and relationships. That's so good, really and
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truly. We do bio psychosocial
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assessments. Boom.
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Yep. So that's I was like, OK, yeah.
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And it's great because you do, you have to do the assessment
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and you have to look at all of those things.
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Why then do you think, let me slow down?
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I love how you recognize through your own experience and I love
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how lived experience connects to purpose and like gifts and
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things that are in us because we all have a unique way of seeing
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the world, our own experiences. Even though we we have the same
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functions, right, that are happening in our mind, bodies
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and spirits, it's still just like a very unique experience
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all at the same time. So I love that you were able to
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start with self and say, Hey, I got some work to do and then in
6:55
figuring it out and not keeping it to yourself, you said for me,
6:58
let me make this available to the people and used to help the
7:00
people. So I always admire that when
7:05
people can take their personal journey and turn it into
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something purposeful. I mean, that's what we're trying
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to do, right? It's the best we can.
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And I think that's that. And like why we both have these
7:17
terminal degrees, There's a core aspect that was driving us that
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was around. I want to learn this so I can
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translate what I'm learning to improve the communities that I'm
7:27
a part of and ultimately, you know, better the environments
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that I have to operate within. So I think that's where it comes
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from. Yeah, I love that.
7:37
So Speaking of right, why do people?
7:42
And then I also want to get into high functioning people,
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intelligent people. Why do they sometimes feel stuck
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or misaligned? Yeah.
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So why do intelligent people feel stuck or misaligned?
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I think it's such a great question because one, we're sort
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of bidding this to intelligent people.
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So the first thing is like, what is intelligence and who is
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considered an intelligent person?
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You know, by sort of general scientific standards, all
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conscious human beings are considered intelligent, right?
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So I think what we mean in this context is probably people who
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process the world faster, you know, and sort of traditionally
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can articulate certain things in a way that's considered more
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quote, UN quote educated. And I think if that's the group
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where we're categorizing, you know, why do they experience
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misalignment? I think it's the same reason a
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lot of us do whether we're in that intelligent group or not.
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It's really this lack of grounding across the multi
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dimensions that we are as beings.
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I think it really is sort of this.
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A lot of times people have their core identity is linked to how
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they present phenotypically, physically.
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They see themselves as like, oh, I'm a man, I'm a woman, I'm a
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black person, I am a white person, I'm an Asian person.
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And your core being, is it any of those things, right.
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In a lot of ways, like you are a formless spark that is now
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inhabiting this vessel that looks a certain way that has
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this interesting genetic patterning to it.
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And I think misalignment occurs when you're trying to kind of
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force things that don't make sense to these identities you
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created for yourself. And I think when you kind of
9:42
loosen those up a little bit, you find a little sense of like,
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there's there's this weird Gray space that I'm in and I feel
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actually more comfortable here and without all of the labels
9:56
and different things. And then you're like, what is
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that version of me? Enjoy?
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What is that version of me? You know, what are the stress
10:06
free moment look like for that individual?
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And then I think that becomes sort of the core anchoring sort
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of feeling that you can now like now I have like a compass for
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like when I feel good and then figuring out over here,
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Northwest, you know, this feels better South, some don't feel
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right over here. So I think a lot of us don't
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have that honed compass to start to follow and feel where we feel
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the most aligned. That's so good.
10:40
And what I'm also hearing in this is that it requires you to
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live. So it's not so much maybe that
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people are misaligned as much as they're evolving and that that
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prior version of themselves they are outgrowing.
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And so this is that is that battle, that push pull.
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Do I stay where I am or do I answer this call to go higher?
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That thing that's in you, right? Because we have choices.
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We have choices. And there are a lot of people
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who don't choose to go forward. They choose to stay where they
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are. So I'm whatever their reasons
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are. To your point, the lived
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experience is like a data set, right?
11:20
I'm so excited. I'm turning 40 this year and my
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that's my word of the year. But when I break it down, it's
11:28
really like 2020 gets you to 40, right?
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I'm on. So think about the 1st 20 years
11:33
of your life. That's what you're indoctrinated
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into. You're born into it.
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You are on a conveyor belt. A lot of the dreams and goals
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you had have been like imbued on you.
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Maybe it's you, maybe it's not you.
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And then the next 20 years of your life you're kind of like re
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exploring this, rediscovering like who you are.
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And I think when you've had enough time over that 2nd 20,
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now you got patterns you can look back on.
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Now you got, I can reflect on the recent 20 or the 1st 20.
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When did I like things? So you start to get enough time
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right? Enough lived experience to then
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identify patterns that then can help you make decisions.
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Yes, that's so good. And I when I work with clients,
12:22
I talk a lot about our programming.
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But when you just said that, excuse me, when you just said
12:27
the configure bill, I was like, yes, it's our factory settings
12:31
is another name for programming, right?
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The factory settings. And then we, we don't know to
12:37
ask questions. And then like you said, you, we
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spend that time figuring out what do we like from the factory
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settings? What do we like to tweak?
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Like one of the first things I do when I get into a rental car
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or a new car for the first time, I go adjust the sound.
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I don't like my trouble really high.
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I like my trouble in the middle and I want my baits all the way
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up. Hey, we love them baits.
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Exactly. And so to me, that's like
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exactly what you're saying, like you tweak and you figure out
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what you do and what you don't. But I didn't do that in every
13:09
car I got into. It took some time to where I
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figured out I don't like how this sounds.
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Oh, there's other settings, right.
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But I had to get my own car to do that and and lived
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experiences. So this, this is good.
13:22
So what do you think is the difference between effort and
13:25
strategy when these are applied to personal growth?
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Oh, this is perfect. So when you were talking about
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changing the dials, I think this is that's a perfect metaphor for
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modulation versus manipulation. And as you think about strategy
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and effort, it's the same thing. Effort to me is a little more
13:48
manipulation. Strategy is modulation.
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Same way you're turning those dials around like, oh, I kind of
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want this little slightly this way.
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You're not rebuilding the whole machine, you're not moving all
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this, you're just doing these little tweaks.
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That is, that is the embodiment of strategy versus effort.
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And you know, you're using a system that are already there,
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right? You're using your experience and
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then you're just doing these tweaks to kind of make it you
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feel aligned to the system. And I think, you know, with
14:25
effort there's so there is that a lot of time.
14:28
I mean, and inevitably there you have to have put in traditional
14:34
sense of effort, right? There's things you're going to
14:37
have to do that require, you know, that ATP activation and
14:41
energy output, right? You're going to be tired from
14:44
doing something. But I think that a lot of times
14:47
when people think about effort in this sense, it's just like
14:51
arduous, right? It's like I'm doing this work.
14:55
I'm doing the things I was told to do, but I'm not necessarily
14:58
getting the outcomes, the, the promised outcomes, the
15:01
expectations that I was told I would get by putting in this
15:06
effort. And so the, the shift with
15:08
strategy is before I put in a lot of effort, let me
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understand, is there a framework that I can use?
15:18
Is there information I need before I start putting in that
15:23
muscle right? That effort to make sure when I
15:27
do do that at least as much as I can, will that then get me the
15:31
expected outcomes? So it's really just kind of like
15:35
taking a breath. Let me really think through
15:38
this. Let me not just go right in, let
15:41
me let me see the landscape, let me understand, are there best
15:45
practices? Are there people I can talk to?
15:48
How do I come up with my own game plan 1st and then work the
15:53
plan? Because a lot of times when you
15:55
do that, you don't have to put in as much effort and then when
15:58
you do put it in, you have a higher probability of getting
16:02
the expected outcomes. Yeah, and so many people, they
16:07
just think I have to do right. I can't just sit here and do
16:10
anything. I think that what do you think
16:14
that is on the inside of people that prevents them from stopping
16:18
to take that beat to develop a strategy before they just start
16:22
moving? I think there's a lot, but I
16:24
would but first comes to mind is cultural.
16:27
Cultural culture plays it's a big role.
16:30
You know, I've been fortunate to to travel internationally
16:33
several Times Now and spend like months, you know, abroad and I
16:38
think and I have a very diverse set of friends stateside.
16:42
That's one of the benefits, I would say, of going to college
16:46
and being a part of different groups.
16:48
You get exposed a lot of different people out of ways,
16:50
people think. And then being a Howard, you
16:52
even get exposed to the diaspora within the community that looks
16:56
like you. You like, oh, people also don't
16:58
think the same, right? So you, I think when you do
17:03
that, you were like, oh, this person has a different culture,
17:07
right? And there's subcultures within
17:09
cultures, but I think in the western modern world that we
17:14
live in America, our culture is a do culture, right?
17:19
It's a very like, are you being productive, right?
17:22
That's part of our day-to-day is like, were you productive today?
17:26
And that's an evaluation on like value in a lot of ways.
17:31
And so we're like, are you productive?
17:33
What did you do today? I mean, it's about Doo Doo Doo.
17:36
And then with other cultures, it's not about that to the
17:39
degree right there's are you rested?
17:42
Are you prioritizing things like, you know, the way that
17:45
governments are structured help inform even the culture of the
17:49
society, right? Are you are there mandated now?
17:52
How was the work week schedule? Are you is there leave for you
17:56
know, for women, Like is there leave for new parents?
18:00
You know, like how much is that leave that directly influences
18:04
this sort of I need to do. And I think, you know, as we
18:07
know in the states, like we have not some of the most greatest
18:11
time when you even have a child with 12 weeks, you know, and
18:15
there's other countries where it's it's even much more.
18:18
So I think it's, I think it's a cultural phenomenon that we have
18:24
to address. Yeah, that's so good.
18:27
And for so many people, their worth is tied to their output
18:31
and they don't understand that they are enough as is.
18:35
We're taught performance very early, very early performance
18:40
and productivity. Absolutely.
18:42
Yeah. So when you think about this
18:45
from like a systems perspective, why does just be yourself often
18:53
fail people? Well, I think people don't
18:56
really know what that means, right?
18:58
It's like myself, like, what is, what does that mean?
19:04
You know, and I think when people even request that, it's
19:07
like, what is that? Oh, is this a work context?
19:13
Is this a romantic context? Is this, you know, you know,
19:18
what is, what do we mean by that?
19:20
And I think that it's such a loaded question so many ways.
19:28
Yeah. And I think it's like, no wonder
19:31
people can't, quote, UN quote, be themselves because, one,
19:33
people don't even know what they're asking for, and two,
19:37
like, people don't know what that is, you know?
19:42
So. I mean, yeah, what when you say
19:45
it, what do you think it means? Like let's, I feel like we'll
19:47
get into it, but it's like, yeah, let's try to categorize
19:52
it. So I love where you're going
19:54
with this, like being yourself and just thinking about the flow
19:58
of the conversation, right? Some people don't know yet
20:01
because they're still operating under the factory settings and
20:04
they've not have the time, the lived experience to really
20:08
explore, to figure out who they are.
20:11
Aside from this is what I'm supposed to do.
20:13
This is what's. Respected of me and a lot of
20:16
times we have values perspectives on things that no
20:24
one we've not heard in our ecosystem, in our families, this
20:29
thing that you know you're just like different, right.
20:32
So then like what do you do with that when conformity is kind of
20:37
a requirement to be in the community that you're in,
20:40
whether it's family, the environment, the schools you go
20:43
to, all those things early on when we're still operating in
20:46
our factory settings. So a lot of times people don't
20:49
know. But what we can also tell, I
20:51
think as humans is when someone is being inauthentic, when it
20:55
doesn't feel genuine. And so we're, I think we're
20:59
trying to give people when we say just be yourself, depending
21:03
on the context or when I've done it, I've wanted to give people
21:06
the freedom to just be at ease, to take off the mask, to not
21:11
perform and be present is what I think of when I say just be
21:15
yourself. Yeah, I think that that to your
21:19
point is a few things I want to say.
21:22
And the conveyor belt continuation like as I talked
21:25
about 2020, some people don't get that break between the
21:30
proverbial 20 breaks, right. Then you, you got married, then
21:34
you have kids and you have this like the conveyor belt
21:36
continues. So you haven't had the break to
21:40
then reflect, right? So I mean, with folks that are
21:44
continuously on the conveyor belt, they don't have a chance
21:47
to really get the opportunity to reflect because to be yourself
21:53
requires integration. It requires introspection.
21:59
You cannot get to knowing who you are without the time of
22:05
pause and identifying patterns and then executing autonomy to
22:10
decide which of these patterns do I subscribe to.
22:16
And then even in addition to your own life, there's the
22:19
existential choices around society and social contracts.
22:26
Social contracts are invisible. You know, agreements we are all
22:32
making to be a part of a society, right?
22:37
And a lot of times people were we signed these contracts and
22:41
nobody knows what they signed. I think part of being who you
22:44
are or deciding to be who you, who you, who yourself is, is
22:49
understanding which social contracts are you going to keep
22:52
valid because there's a lot of them that you want to just veto.
22:58
And I think picking of using the vetoing, understanding the
23:01
patterns, that's all linked to integration.
23:04
And I think when you have that, you can start to have quote UN
23:09
quote, presence because presence is presenting from sort of a
23:14
deeper inner self of who you are.
23:18
And then that can translate or Telegraph to others as
23:22
authentic, right as yourself. And sometimes when you are
23:27
yourself, it's not received well.
23:31
So I mean, there's that other component too.
23:33
So I think so you're answering your question.
23:35
A lot of reasons people aren't themselves because one is hard,
23:38
right? You have to have time.
23:39
There's certain conditions that need to be met that are hard to
23:42
meet. And then the other part is even
23:45
when people have experienced that, I think we can think of
23:47
artists in a lot of ways. I think artists to some demanded
23:52
of their culture to be present and to be authentic, to be raw
23:57
and to go into those hard emotional places and and exhibit
24:03
your talent. And I think that a lot of us are
24:07
not brave to even do a lot of that work, let alone how it will
24:12
be received once we are that. Oh, that was so good.
24:17
So what I even heard in that I love a good metaphor and I will
24:21
pick it up and work it. OK, So you were talking about
24:25
the conveyor belt of all the different things that change,
24:29
right? And so I was just like, it's a
24:31
revolving identity, not necessarily evolving because
24:35
evolving that requires like you're saying, like the
24:37
integration and all of those things.
24:39
So like the revolving is happening.
24:41
It's like the system, the machine that you're in and you
24:45
need that time. I love that you're stressing
24:48
time. So in addition for time with
24:50
like lived experiences to learn things, having time by yourself
24:56
where it's just you. And rarely do we take those or
25:01
when we do, it feels like it's a breakdown or it feels like it
25:06
was a breakup, or it was, oh, I lost that job, or where it feels
25:12
like there was a loss, something negative happened, when really
25:15
and truly it's an opportunity to sit with self.
25:20
And I remember the first time I had one of those experiences.
25:23
It was my first year in grad school, my first master's
25:27
degree, and this was the most time I had ever spent by myself.
25:32
It was my first time living alone.
25:35
Always. I wasn't the oldest, you know,
25:39
But then in a rarely. Yeah, yeah.
25:43
I really didn't have much time alone.
25:45
As I'm thinking about ending college, I always have
25:46
roommates. So now I'm in an apartment by
25:49
myself. I'm in a new city, so I know
25:52
people, but it's not the same way as in college.
25:54
You get bored. You just go down the hall and
25:56
knock on somebody's door. I had to learn to spend time
25:59
with myself. And I did start having some of
26:01
those existential conversations, but I was still, I was in the
26:05
2nd 20, right? And now I'm collecting data and,
26:10
you know, looking at the factory setting and who I am and trying
26:16
to like find that the balance or just like where the word is
26:22
escaping me. But just like trying to figure
26:24
out what's really me versus what I was told.
26:27
And then again, now it was on the other side of my second 40,
26:36
I mean my 2nd 20, but where I had to really sit.
26:40
It was like everything. It was everything.
26:43
And it came with divorce, right? And so that can seem very
26:46
painful. But man, when I tell you that
26:49
process is the best thing that ever happened to me because it
26:52
forced me to look at myself, the lack of strategy I had, my
26:57
factory settings that contributed to it and how it
27:01
aligned and what I did and did not do, do and take an
27:06
accountability for what my role is.
27:08
So like, while generally we look at situations and say there's a
27:15
villain, right? But sometimes we can be our own
27:18
villain, but it's not as obvious because it's those subtle
27:25
things, those yeses when we really meant to say no, those
27:30
small acts of self sabotage, those small acts of self
27:34
sacrifice. And we move further from our
27:37
true self every time we do that when we are not real with
27:42
ourselves and how we're often motivated by fear to be
27:47
accepted, to be in relationship with people.
27:51
We seek validation and acceptance.
27:53
I mean, which makes sense because we are built for
27:55
community. And to what what you have is
27:58
really for me, what I have is for you.
28:00
It's for us. And a lot of us keep it to
28:03
ourselves. And sometimes we can be in
28:05
situations and relationships, jobs and what not that take us
28:11
away from doing what comes organic to us like that thing
28:17
that's inside of us. And having this time to sit with
28:21
myself and really figure out things and really who I am and
28:25
not just being nice to be named nice and going along to get
28:28
along and being authentic. I've shed a lot of
28:32
relationships. I shed a multiple versions of
28:36
myself. And when you step into that, you
28:39
find out who your people really are, who can really deal with
28:44
you when you're not trying to be like when you're not Demi, when
28:49
you're really unapologetically yourself.
28:51
And I don't mean that in the ways that some people do it.
28:54
When they're unhinged, they're rude, they're wild, you know
28:58
what I mean? They don't have discipline.
29:00
I don't mean it in that way, but just like really being and being
29:04
OK standing in that. Yeah, yeah.
29:09
I mean, you made so many good points.
29:11
You know, I think the time, like you said, spending by yourself,
29:15
you know, and then of course, relationships and like a divorce
29:22
and then like owning your parts, their parts, understanding that,
29:26
then rediscovering yourself. You know, in a lot of ways, I
29:29
feel like I've gone through the same thing.
29:31
You know, I my sort of, I would say driver to spend time with
29:40
myself came from understanding my own parents, right.
29:44
So I'm the youngest and the blended family.
29:46
There's nine of us and oh wow, your.
29:50
Family was that big. My dad is going to be 90 this
29:53
year, so he was 50 when I was born, so he has.
29:59
I love him. He has never been alone.
30:02
This wait this explains so much about your style and why you are
30:06
always so put together like classic man.
30:10
Like I get it OK. Look, so I appreciate it.
30:16
But yeah, he was got married essentially as like 1718, you
30:21
know, in the 1st 20, right? And then I had a family like I
30:26
ended up, you know, going to the Air Force, enlisting in the Air
30:30
Force to take care of his family and have five children.
30:34
So like his adolescence was really extended and then, as you
30:39
know, he got divorced and then remarried, you know, with my
30:43
mom. And then, you know, they had
30:45
kids and then I came and then they got divorced.
30:48
And he was not good at being alone.
30:52
He never spent time alone even to this day.
30:54
Like he'll like he's, he's lived with me and, and with, with my,
30:58
you know, then husband at the time, you know, with other
31:00
families. Do you have a lot of siblings?
31:02
He did. He did.
31:03
He also had like 88 siblings and so he ended up.
31:06
So that's our whole story. But I was like, I don't want
31:11
this was part of the cracking of the code is identifying patterns
31:14
across whether you're connected to these patterns or not.
31:16
But when you see a pattern and you don't like the outcome that
31:20
they've had from that, it's an opportunity for you to be like,
31:23
let me do something different. And so when I saw when I
31:27
understood that with him as the man that I most admire and look
31:32
up to, who has been my biggest champion in lots of ways, how do
31:36
I, how do I deviate to have a potentially better outcome?
31:41
Right. And when I was in college, I was
31:44
sort of been dating a lot. So I was not really ever alone
31:47
either in relationships. But then I got to a point like,
31:50
I need to be by myself. Like I need to crack this
31:55
pattern, this, you know, familial pattern.
31:59
I've been ingrained into me because I want a different
32:03
result. And then when I started to be
32:05
like, Oh, I can be by myself, then I felt comfortable sort of
32:09
like re engaging in things that I liked.
32:12
And because I do like romance, I do like partnership.
32:15
And then even getting into a marriage and then divorcing, you
32:19
know, that was its own just lessons in so many ways.
32:25
And to your point. How many ways?
32:27
Like how I was not the best partner to him right?
32:32
But still knowing this isn't a partnership I want to stay in,
32:36
right? And then being on post that
32:39
side, you're like, and then if there were a kid like for us,
32:43
like there was a, you know, a stepdaughter through that
32:47
relationship. And so like got him getting the
32:49
opportunity to become a parent through that.
32:52
Also. You learn so much, you know, you
32:55
you're projecting a lot of the way you were raised
32:58
unintentionally onto this and then you get to question it and
33:01
you're like, is this the best thing?
33:02
And so a lot of those other experiences kind of also bring
33:06
to light this sort of a mirror. A lot of these are such
33:11
mirroring experiences where you're like, hey, this is an
33:15
opportunity to see yourself. And do we want to tweak this?
33:19
Do we like this look like, do we want to change this up?
33:23
You know, and for me, the answer was yes.
33:25
It was like, I want to change this up.
33:27
Like I, I don't want to continue doing things the way that I've
33:31
done them. Like I want to have new
33:33
experiences. I want to let that part, like
33:36
you were saying inside of us, right?
33:39
Explore and like have new experiences to then be like,
33:44
what were these things that I was afraid of?
33:45
Now maybe I should try those. Maybe I should travel, you know,
33:49
by myself or go to a movie or do things and make new friendships
33:54
with somebody who's not like me. But also be clear about trying
33:57
to find grounding and try some new things and see you know how
34:02
that inner part of you aligns to it.
34:06
That's that's so good and just really enjoying your own
34:11
company, people. I'll say media and even family
34:15
society as a whole makes it seem like doing things on your own is
34:19
the worst thing you could possibly do.
34:22
Like going to dinner. I can't remember where I first
34:25
saw it in like a sitcom like that was one of the most sad
34:28
things ever. Partying once.
34:31
Like you are a failure. You exactly are.
34:35
Just you're not worth anything if you have to go to dinner by
34:38
yourself. Like, what does this say about
34:40
you? You're.
34:41
Exactly like it was just. It's wild.
34:47
And this is how people end up settling and they're in
34:51
misaligned relationships, jobs, they make choices that are
34:57
they're less than safe, right? And what I mean less than safe
35:00
is it's not unsafe as much as it's predictable.
35:04
It's not going to promote growth.
35:07
No, it's not you. And some for some people that
35:10
that is needed, right, because we have different experiences.
35:14
I think that could lend itself to a person choosing those
35:18
things that are predictable to have some of that.
35:24
You're the only person that's going to be with you your entire
35:27
life. You have to enjoy that and do
35:32
things you want to enjoy like. Say that again because it just,
35:37
it's real. Like say again please.
35:39
You are the only person that is going to be with you your entire
35:44
life. So you have to learn to enjoy
35:47
being in your own presence, your own company, and the number of
35:51
people who don't do things that they really want to do because
35:54
no one will do it with them. If we really survey people, it's
35:59
high. I'm just like thinking socially,
36:01
people that I know like who they feel like they have to have
36:05
someone. If you want to go, go do it,
36:07
like just do it. You don't need anybody to give
36:10
you permission. And a lot of times there's like
36:12
an adventure, right? Like that's what I feel like
36:14
I've noticed, you know, in, in these more recent years is like
36:19
a lot of times, like even when things are hard, right, like,
36:22
because they or knows, like choosing your own path to like
36:25
exhibit autonomy in a lot of ways does require a community
36:30
that supports you and gives you the space to do that.
36:34
And I will, I really do want to under score that because it's,
36:38
it's easy in retrospect to be like, I'm going to spend time by
36:42
myself. But it's important to have a
36:45
support system that can anchor you with the people you can talk
36:50
to that are not going to judge you, that are going to love you
36:56
unconditionally. And I think that doesn't for me,
37:00
I feel like it didn't come through biological family,
37:03
right? You know, like came with
37:04
conditions, you know, and which isn't, which is just is what it
37:10
is. I think that you can find that
37:13
though in like real friendships. And I think that's what I have
37:18
been. I think the most fortunate is
37:22
finding that in real friendships to like hold me down when shit
37:26
has been crazy and and then not judging me and allowing me the
37:31
time to be free and explore and share crazy stories and but
37:38
still kind of ground me to be like, all right, you know, like
37:41
you need that balance. And I think when you have that,
37:44
you can explore, you can do these things.
37:47
And I think finding those chosen family members is just a game
37:51
changer. Yeah, it really, really is, you
37:55
know, where you can go by yourself and then you're good
37:58
and you come home. You can talk to them about it or
37:59
not. Like it's just, you just have
38:02
that sort of like, this is my anchor.
38:05
And I will say it is not a magic thing.
38:09
You're making the choice to be each other's anchors.
38:13
As much as they're your anchor, you are an anchor for them,
38:17
right? It's a reciprocal relationship.
38:21
You are anchoring each other into this reality and deciding
38:25
to be friends for the long haul. And I don't make enough people
38:30
apply enough intentionality and understanding that anchor and
38:34
what that means. Yeah.
38:36
When things are tough for you, I'm making time for you, things
38:39
are tough for me, you're making time for me.
38:41
You know, you got resources to share, you're sharing them.
38:44
I have resources, I'm sharing them.
38:47
You know, we, we are anchoring each other into reality.
38:50
And I know we didn't go this is leaning in that direction, but I
38:54
think it's real because we're talking about life and we're
38:58
talking about living, which inevitably means we're talking
39:02
about dying, right? Yeah, because it starts at the
39:06
beginning. And so, you know, I had a friend
39:09
die by suicide a couple years back who was one of my anchors.
39:14
And I think when you lose one of those, it loosens your grip on
39:18
reality, you know, And that could be a family member, right?
39:22
It could be, you know, a friend. It could be whoever.
39:26
And for me, that was one of the first times I really experienced
39:29
grief. And as you know, grief is a
39:31
thing that continues. Like you don't, it's not just
39:34
gone. You just learn how to manage it,
39:37
you know, and I think that's also part of getting older, Like
39:40
inevitably people will pass away.
39:42
But when that happens in certain ways, it jars your connection to
39:49
reality. And then if you don't have a
39:51
sense of grounding of who you are, it then brings to mind all
39:56
the elevators, all of the, you know, escalator activity, the
40:00
preset faults. You're like, why did I do any of
40:03
this when they could just be gone tomorrow, you know, or the
40:06
person I thought was strong, they had it all together.
40:09
And then this happened. So the way to manage even a lot
40:14
of that and be is to decide to be an anchor and to be someone
40:19
that someone can depend on and hoping and that they're going to
40:22
be there for you, too. Yeah.
40:24
Because we do need each other. To then explore and have this
40:29
lived experience that we ultimately enjoy.
40:33
There's a lot in there, I know. It is.
40:39
And my brain is like, Yep, yeah, I'd be interested maybe on
40:43
another episode to talk about grief in a different way because
40:47
that's something that everyone deals with.
40:48
And a lot of people don't touch that topic.
40:51
And it's it's something none of us can escape.
40:54
No. I'm so sorry to hear about your
40:57
loss. And you're absolutely right.
40:59
These are the things that you don't experience the experience.
41:03
And I'll say if you're lucky, you don't experience grief until
41:07
you're an adult. But there are some people who
41:11
lost and grief before them shaped their lives, right?
41:14
Like it definitely had an impact on my life.
41:17
But like I said, we could talk about that.
41:18
OK, different a different episode, but this is so rich I.
41:23
Mean we don't have real talk, we don't have real talk because
41:26
when you talk about like being yourself, when you talk about
41:30
alignment, when you talk about vetoing social contracts, this
41:36
is deep work. It's deep work.
41:38
And, and time is a, is a key piece.
41:41
Support is a key piece. You know, and I will say that
41:46
the benefits to doing the hard work, I think is anchoring back
41:51
to the, the phrase you repeated, you are the steward of yourself,
41:57
right? And for me, it's like, wouldn't
41:58
it be sad to get to the end of life?
42:01
And I didn't take care of myself when I could, You know, it's
42:08
different if you don't have the capabilities and different
42:10
things. But if you can, you know, take
42:14
some downtime. If you can be like, you know
42:17
what? I want to go do this little
42:19
thing by myself. I feel like yourself, the vessel
42:22
you're in deserves a fun journey.
42:26
Yes. Right.
42:27
Like don't you to take yourself on a good time?
42:31
Like you're the only self that you have.
42:34
Yeah, and I, I talked to people about religious doing what makes
42:39
you feel good and how we're doing this for the first time.
42:44
Like you and I know each other. We've had conversations, but
42:48
this is the first time we've had this conversation where we are
42:52
at this stage in our lives with the way that we do the world
42:55
today because we're always changing and evolving.
42:59
And it's just a reminder to have compassion.
43:01
Like nobody knows this thing. Everybody is doing life for the
43:05
first time. And I don't think we give
43:08
ourselves enough compassion or we live in fear or in what we
43:12
think is safety, which sometimes can actually be stagnation
43:17
because of fear of what won't work out.
43:20
And one of those things that I think people say that are
43:23
well-intentioned, I don't want you to get your hopes up.
43:28
Yes, you do want me to get my hopes up because I'm at least
43:32
going to go explore this thing. And as I was told when I was
43:38
nervous about leaving the nest, you can always come home.
43:43
Well, a lot of us can't do that, but.
43:45
Well, and I don't literally mean like the physical home, but you
43:48
can go back to what's familiar. So that comfort, that comfort
43:52
that you're not willing to sacrifice to go explore to.
43:56
Yes, that's going to be there. Right, so where you are is still
44:01
going to be there. So why not go?
44:02
And if it don't work, then I'll be back here with y'all.
44:06
I'll tell y'all, I'll tell y'all what happened and what didn't
44:08
happen or I'm a run it again. Because you're going to
44:12
inevitably go out there and your life is going to change.
44:15
You're going to be exposed to things that people experiences
44:19
where you can't go back and be the same.
44:21
And I think that's, that's the point.
44:23
So go do it. Go see, go find out.
44:26
And then you can come back and tell people if they want to come
44:28
with you, let them come. If they choose to stay, let them
44:32
stay. Right.
44:34
And it doesn't mean, oh, you or you forgot where you came from,
44:37
Like those types of things that people say, are you too good for
44:40
us now? That's usually for someone who
44:42
has chosen to stay. Never make someone feel bad.
44:50
Yeah. Never make someone feel bad for
44:52
having hope and going and exploring it.
44:55
You know, I I have this quote that I've that came to me is
44:59
called. You know, I hope that hope
45:02
returns to you. And I, that came to me because I
45:11
was like leaving the club with friends, like late at night in
45:14
the underground in Atlanta. And I just got some pizza.
45:19
I was like, oh gosh, I want this pizza.
45:20
It's going to be so good. Isn't always pizza after a
45:24
night? Out look, you'll normally get
45:26
wings. Like I'm a wing person.
45:28
I mean, wings, wings, wings. But this particular night was
45:32
pizza and I was like, oh, wait, I'm going to eat this pizza down
45:37
evening, you know, so excited. And there was an unhoused man,
45:41
black guy, and he was kind of like jovial.
45:44
I was like, hey, yo, let me get a piece of that pizza.
45:47
And I was like, no, I'm so hungry.
45:49
Like what do you mean? You know, I was just like, I was
45:52
just like where my mind was. And then, like Switch went off
45:56
in him and he was like, you know, I'm homeless.
46:00
Like I'm asking because I'm hungry, you know?
46:03
And then I was like, I didn't think that's where we were, you
46:07
know, I just wasn't thinking. And he was like, oh, you'll see.
46:10
You'll see when God turns his back on you.
46:14
You'll see. And I was like.
46:17
That is strong language. So it felt like a curse, you
46:21
know, and some. Did you give the man the pizza?
46:24
No. Maybe I'm going to handed that
46:26
pizza over instantly. I didn't, I didn't think about
46:30
it. You know, I was still just like,
46:33
huh. And it stayed with me, right.
46:36
That phrase has stayed with me for like several months.
46:39
And, you know, I would say that it's sort of like echoed, I
46:47
think my own sort of family stuff where a lot of times
46:51
people in my family are, you know, traditionally physically
46:55
beautiful and they're traditionally intelligent, you
46:58
know, and maybe not like traditionally educated, but
47:00
intelligent people. And they, a lot of times there's
47:04
this narrative around folks not reaching their potential, you
47:07
know, where I could have done this or I could have done that
47:09
and this did not happening. So I think in a lot of ways,
47:13
there's been this fear of that for me that I've carried, you
47:16
know, am I not going to reach my potential for some sort of
47:19
random things? And so the way that he said
47:22
that, you know, resonated with me being like when things have
47:27
like been hard for me, you know, and when jobs haven't been
47:31
working out or interviews and you're really thinking through
47:35
like, how do I make a meal stretch, you know, like real
47:40
scenario. And, you know, thankfully I
47:42
haven't, I haven't been to that degree, you know, where he is.
47:47
But in some ways it feels like I've been close, you know,
47:50
right. And so I think it it I that
47:54
stayed with me and I made me realize that hope was gone from
48:00
him and. Yeah, he basically told you that
48:06
he believed that God had turned his back on him.
48:10
Which is about hope. And it's one of the things that
48:16
I think is a lot stronger than we realized.
48:18
And I think it became part of his identity, right?
48:21
When you've tried, I think, I think that's part of the thing
48:23
of putting it effort, effort, effort versus necessarily
48:27
strategy, right? Or or identifying patterns.
48:32
And I think that sometimes life is just hard and things do not
48:38
work out. But I think when you listen to
48:42
those echoes and those whispers and try to identify those curses
48:47
that have been in your life that hold you back from being who you
48:50
really are. Yeah.
48:52
No. Being able to identify the
48:54
curses and then you can break them.
48:57
And I think that was, I think I think I had been, you know,
49:01
having this, you know, everybody has like their own family trauma
49:03
and things that we can call curses.
49:05
And then I think he just kind of put a voice to what I think was
49:09
already there and then just let me, I was able to hear it, see
49:16
it, identify it and be like, oh, no, I'm going to break this.
49:21
Like this is definitely something I'm not going to
49:24
continue to have a hold on me. And the cracking the code of
49:29
doing that is realizing it's hope and maintaining a sense of
49:34
hope, if you have that, can fuel you into taking those risks to
49:41
try something new, Taking those risks to not do what has been
49:47
convenient for you and continue to use that as fuel in your tank
49:53
to get off the conveyor belt, find a motorcycle, find another
49:57
vehicle, go off. Road.
49:59
And then explore the countryside, explore a new
50:04
culture, explore a new landscape and see all the beauty that's
50:10
there. And a lot of it is a reflection
50:12
of you. And I think it was it that's
50:15
been, I think, you know, the one of the most wonderful things
50:21
that I've experienced and it has helped me have like a new
50:25
perspective on life. Wow, so much death.
50:31
Like I said, I would have given up that pizza.
50:35
I will not bad juju. I don't want none of it.
50:39
OK, but I love the message of hope, right?
50:44
And so when you were just saying if you just have hope.
50:47
So my brain went to write faith the size of a mustard seed.
50:51
And also, faith is the substance of things hoped for and the
50:56
evidence of things not seen. And so, yeah, just even with
51:02
that homeless man, what he said, we don't understand how when we
51:07
make up our minds. So if he's made-up his mind that
51:09
God has turned his back on him, that means he won't even be able
51:13
to see any smoke signals that God is trying to show him.
51:17
No, I'm with you or I'm taking you through this because I don't
51:21
think people sometimes, and I know I was one of them under
51:28
internalized. I'll say some of the like
51:30
stories, the experiences of people that are going to.
51:34
It's not stories and it's not characters, right?
51:36
These were people. If you're a Christian, right,
51:38
and believe like in the Bible, all of these things that happen
51:41
to people. One of those most obvious is
51:44
like with Joseph and what happened with his brother,
51:47
selling him into slavery and being in the ditch and going to
51:51
prison and doing all these things.
51:53
But then God grows them up, like God will take people from the
51:58
lowest and rise. But you just got to stay locked
52:01
in, right? There's so many versions of
52:04
this. Or people go through trials, but
52:06
when you curse God or you turn away from God, then you feel it.
52:10
King Nebuchadnezzar, you thought he he wouldn't acknowledge God.
52:14
That man lost his mind and was crazy like a wild animal until
52:19
he acknowledged God. Then things were restored.
52:23
So I would want to know more about that man's journey, but
52:26
also his belief. Because are you going to be able
52:30
to see and experience the wonder and the miracles and the things
52:33
that God is trying to do or that he's not just punishing you?
52:37
And I also recognize their their choices and we their
52:40
consequences to choices, whether good or bad.
52:43
But I will be curious to know more and what made him switch
52:47
that fast. Yeah, I wasn't ready for that,
52:50
but I think I definitely. Wouldn't have been.
52:53
I wasn't and I'm using pretty quick, but for me, what you've
52:57
just said, it made me think of like one of the reasons for me
53:01
personally, I can maintain, you know, a seeds of hope.
53:06
You know, there's many reasons, but one in particular is
53:10
rediscovering my why. Like I think if you don't know
53:13
what your why is, it's much easier to give up hope.
53:18
It's much easier to interpret your environment, whether you
53:21
are religious or spiritual or not to then stop putting in
53:26
effort. Right?
53:27
And I think when you don't have your why, because if your why
53:30
was I want a big house, I want to be respected and community.
53:33
I want status, I want to be married.
53:36
I want the house, I want the fence, I want the kids material.
53:40
I want, I want the baddie, you know, I want, you know, these
53:44
different things that can be summed as like materialism.
53:50
Then when you don't get those things because there's a lot of
53:53
reasons why they may or may not happen, it's easier to lose
53:57
hope. I think if you connect your why
54:00
to for me, my why is really like my chosen family because if we
54:04
have a limited amount of time on this earth, which we all do,
54:07
yeah, I want to maximize it by having fun with the people I
54:10
love and who have loved me. And I can't do that if I don't
54:14
have resources. As much as I would love to not
54:18
like for me, like that's just, that's just how it is.
54:22
So that's my new motivation. So I'm not going to give up hope
54:26
because I want to not be a burden to them.
54:30
Like I want to be a good anchor to them.
54:32
Like I want to facilitate new moments.
54:35
You know, I want us to get to the end and be like we had a
54:39
great time. I want the the last real to be
54:43
killer highlight, highlight, highlight, highlight, highlight,
54:47
you know, and I want to be have shared that.
54:50
And I think that that now became so clear to me, you know, post
54:54
the box checking phases in my life, which is why I can now be
54:58
like, well, this person doesn't have a clue why this person
55:01
doesn't necessarily have hope. This person has misaligned on
55:05
their efforts and actions aren't really connected to anything.
55:08
You know, their conversation is like, when's my next trip?
55:11
Like when my my Instagram trip or whatever, or new luxury item.
55:18
And to me, like those things are all cool and they have their
55:21
value, but for me personally, it's not aligned to my why.
55:29
Yeah, that's so good, Chris. And even you said if you don't
55:33
get those, but what happens when you do get the things and you
55:36
check the boxes now? What?
55:40
Right. So like it's a Oh my goodness,
55:42
this just made me think of how, you know, you ask some people
55:46
and of course you'll hear this more.
55:47
I think in like hip hop communities when people are
55:49
like, what's your favorite movie?
55:50
And they're like the Godfather and Scarface and I'm like y'all
55:53
know they die at the end, right? Like their presidents.
55:59
And you know some of some of these movies that people love us
56:02
like you know, they die or you know, they go to prison.
56:05
So that's what you want to do. So I pay attention now when
56:09
people say what their favorite movies are.
56:11
I'm going to ask more questions because you're telling me
56:17
unconscious programming that's there and.
56:20
I do not want to be coming in you.
56:23
Suck it is, I'm telling you because people, people will tell
56:28
you who they are. All you have to do is listen.
56:34
And in that time that I spent alone this last time in 2024, I
56:39
still spend a lot of time alone, but it's OK.
56:42
But just like in that quiet and like learning, I began to hear
56:46
and see, like really hear and see not what I wanted to hear,
56:52
not what I wanted to see and me changing the meaning, but like,
56:56
really listen to people. People are telling you things
56:59
about how they are. I won't say who because that's
57:02
always evolving as long as you're open to it, unless you
57:05
choose to stay the version of yourself.
57:08
And so I think this is a good transition.
57:10
How do you define the best version of yourself in
57:14
scientific or strategic terms? I think the best version of
57:20
yourself is the person that you can go to sleep with and wake up
57:27
with and feel at peace with. I think that's the best version
57:34
of yourself. And I think it then there's
57:36
there's strategies to get there. And I think and they and this is
57:40
where my, you know, training comes in.
57:44
Health is Numera. Oh no.
57:47
And how do you maintains health, right?
57:51
Sleep is killer. Like you have to get good rest.
57:55
People don't necessarily understand why, but why is when
57:58
you go to sleep is when your body is literally refreshing,
58:03
right? It's pushing literally
58:05
biologically getting rid of all the things.
58:07
So people realize when you go to sleep, you actually wake up
58:10
weighing less. You actually lose weight when
58:15
you sleep because you are breath like so fat loss in particular
58:21
is through is not through sweating.
58:23
Sweating is a cooling mechanism is when you exhale, you exhale
58:28
through exhaling is actually when you lose fat when you burn
58:32
fat when you're asleep 2 lbs yes, when you exhale, especially
58:40
when you're sleeping, you are getting you are burning fat.
58:43
That's why it's important to have your metabolism higher when
58:46
you're going to sleep. You burn fat so you're exhaling
58:51
it through your breath. So my cardio is also in a lot of
58:54
ways important. And the other piece is
58:56
prioritizing your health. Sleep water.
59:00
Water is so huge, like it allows your body to function better,
59:05
you know, and drinking, you know, it's like 3 or 4.
59:09
The thing that was like before 2:00 PM, if you can drink like
59:13
like 3 or 4 bottles of water, like you're wrestling.
59:16
How many ounce bottles? So he like let's get this down.
59:20
But now I think it's literally like like 108 oz something like
59:24
that in total before like 2P. And that's for me.
59:28
I still struggle to tip. Make it before 2 PMI.
59:31
Mean honestly, that's a lot in a lot of trips to relieve yourself
59:35
is going to be a lot. So when you do it so your body
59:38
adjusts. It changes like try it, try it
59:41
OK, like OK ry it out. You will have more energy.
59:47
You will have more energy throughout your day.
59:49
Your body will thank you. Like sleep water like these are,
59:54
you know, things to do in order to go to sleep, wake up with
59:58
yourself and feel that peace. Your body has to feel its own
1:00:01
alignment. It's hard to have internal
1:00:04
alignment if your physical body is out.
1:00:06
Come. On so you got to get that
1:00:08
together and then it becomes easier to then do the internal
1:00:13
alignment. You can do 5 minute stretches,
1:00:16
right? You can do take 5 minutes in the
1:00:18
morning. You can do a cat cow.
1:00:20
You can do a bird dog. You can do what do you call?
1:00:25
They call it the world's greatest stretch.
1:00:27
You can do. I don't think I know the world's
1:00:28
greatest. So it was like a lunge stretch
1:00:31
with like one arm up, you kind of rotate.
1:00:34
So like there's things you can do, take 5 minutes, do that, do
1:00:37
a 5 minute night stretch. Like you start to do stuff for
1:00:42
your body that grounds you and yourself.
1:00:44
That's good for yourself and you feel better, right?
1:00:49
So I to me, you know, I'm just kind of giving other tips
1:00:52
because these are strategic tips, right, on how to get your
1:00:57
body in alignment so you can take your internal self into
1:01:01
alignment. So good, and it makes me think
1:01:04
of a metaphor that I often will use with clients about how we
1:01:08
maintenance our vehicles more than we do our bodies.
1:01:12
And even with our vehicles, sometimes those who don't, they
1:01:17
don't go through the tuneups. They the tire light is on,
1:01:21
they're not putting air in there.
1:01:23
They're doing all these things. And then they wonder on a day
1:01:26
when they really need it, why it shuts down, why it breaks down.
1:01:30
You didn't take care of it. And our bodies are the same way.
1:01:33
You're absolutely right. Like we put in, what we put in
1:01:37
is what we get out of it. So thank you for simple and
1:01:40
practical reminders of just water and sleep.
1:01:43
And some people don't want to do those things.
1:01:46
They want to think it has to be this Big Magic, this big magical
1:01:49
step. And the reality is it's those
1:01:52
micro habits that are really going to sustain you, that free
1:01:55
you up because then your body is overworking when it hasn't had
1:02:00
the rest. It doesn't have the water to
1:02:02
carry out its other functions. So it's taking energy from
1:02:05
somewhere else and trying to do these things when all you had to
1:02:12
do was drink water and mind your business.
1:02:17
But you said that. Yeah, I'm like y'all, life
1:02:22
doesn't have to be as complicated.
1:02:24
I think it doesn't been. Taught we, I don't know how to
1:02:28
say this, but they're just a lot of things that we've been taught
1:02:34
or picked up social contracts about who we are based on all
1:02:39
these different aspects of identity and what you do and
1:02:44
don't get to do. And I think it's mindset that's
1:02:48
also a part of that. When you think about best self,
1:02:51
the mindset and having to shed some of those mindsets that are
1:02:56
limiting and that it's OK to dream and believe.
1:02:59
Like have you ever had those experiences or witness what
1:03:02
people kind of do the well? Who do you think you will?
1:03:05
Who do you think you are? Of course, yeah.
1:03:08
And it's like, you should be like, no, who do you think you
1:03:12
are? And tell me more?
1:03:13
Because there's nothing like a, a audacious person, especially
1:03:19
when it's like warranted, not the braggadocious, cocky,
1:03:26
condescending person. And some people who haven't been
1:03:31
taught like to be comfortable with like self respect and
1:03:37
being. So basically if you're not
1:03:39
humble, you're cocky. And so if people see any
1:03:43
sometimes version of that, that's more than humble.
1:03:46
This clock is arrogance. Yes, clock does.
1:03:50
You know the pretentious. Exactly.
1:03:54
But confidence and all those things are, they can be
1:03:57
portrayed very similarly, but the source is the difference.
1:04:03
Yeah. And a lot of times it's other
1:04:05
people who have not had that freedom to explore.
1:04:08
So they clock it, they recognize it.
1:04:10
And I think sometimes people are upset that you're living in it
1:04:14
and they're not. You've exposed them.
1:04:16
They are exposed. Yeah.
1:04:18
And so you why do you have a problem with me just breathing?
1:04:24
Because it invokes something in them personally, right?
1:04:27
The only way people have a problem with you, you have to
1:04:31
excite something emotional within them.
1:04:35
It's another data point. They're like, yeah, I'm
1:04:38
affecting your psyche. Interesting.
1:04:42
And they'll say you're the problem.
1:04:45
Exactly because they a they want to externalize the problem.
1:04:50
A lot of people love to be the victim.
1:04:54
Yeah, they want to everybody it whatever happens, it's not them,
1:05:01
you know? And I think to me, that's one of
1:05:03
the key things I would look out for, almost like I'm going on a
1:05:06
date or I'm not interacting with somebody.
1:05:09
I'm like, So what do you feel like your role was in this?
1:05:13
And then the pivot just goes to being like the finger pointing.
1:05:17
And then I'm just like, we're not going to get along.
1:05:22
No, let me give you lots of reasons to finger point.
1:05:24
Let's be clear. Wait a minute, if.
1:05:29
You think I'm the problem? I could be, but I'm gonna need
1:05:32
you to be grounded in yourself. Not you out here triggering the
1:05:35
people. I mean but but.
1:05:38
It's different when it. Real with you, yeah.
1:05:40
Like I'm going to keep it 1000% with you.
1:05:43
I'm going to own my own struggles, my own problems
1:05:48
because like, honestly, there's for me is linked to growth, Yes,
1:05:53
like you said earlier, and I want to grow, you know, And this
1:05:58
brings me back to a quote from Frederick Douglass.
1:06:02
I love and hate this quote at the same time, he said.
1:06:06
You know, without struggle there is no progress.
1:06:09
Progress. I hate that quote because I was
1:06:12
like why can't I have progress without struggle and honestly
1:06:16
the most progress I have had in my life has all come from
1:06:19
struggle. Yeah.
1:06:21
Damn, you know what he was talking about, But I'm I don't
1:06:24
as much as I can, man, you know, reduce any struggle.
1:06:27
I'm going to try. Absolutely.
1:06:30
But it's so true. Yeah, it's so true.
1:06:33
And I think when you own your struggle, then you can be
1:06:37
connected to authenticity. Without owning your struggle,
1:06:41
you can't be authentic. You don't know until you know.
1:06:45
And then it's just like there's an awakening that happens and
1:06:49
you, you're different. People see it, they feel it.
1:06:53
It shows on you. It comes through you.
1:06:55
It's just like a oozes eye like you all of a sudden.
1:06:58
And I think it's kind of a thing that people could always see.
1:07:01
Thank you for joining me for another episode of Rise and
1:07:03
Thrive for Doctor J Nicole, please come back this Thursday
1:07:08
for Part 2 of this dynamic episode with Doctor Christopher
1:07:12
Encross. You're not going to want to miss
1:07:14
this.