Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "My Wife Is Threatened By My Research About How I Can Improve As A Lover"

Transcript

"My Wife Is Threatened By My Research About How I Can Improve As A Lover" · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show please subscribe to my podcast.
• 0:12
  It is only five ninety-nine a month and then you get access to
• 0:15
  all of the episodes including bonus content and you go to the
• 0:19
  head of the list. When somebody has a question
• 0:22
  when you have a question that you want me to answer whether
• 0:25
  it's in a blog post or a podcast, I decide not you.
• 0:30
  But anyhow today I have a reader question.
• 0:35
  A listener question. He's both from a man.
• 0:39
  Who. Well, he's trying to make things
• 0:42
  better with his wife and he doesn't understand why she's
• 0:47
  really not happy about it. So just let me read the
• 0:50
  specifics of this situation. Here's a good question for you.
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  Love this confidence. What do you do when your partner
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  feels threatened? When you try to better yourself
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  specifics? 08.
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  So just let me give you my Stream of Consciousness.
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  I thought he's going to say something about like working out
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  or, you know, changing his diet may be going back to school,
• 1:13
  something like that. But no, no.
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  Let's see what it means. Specifics, I know I'm not the
• 1:19
  best lover when it comes to the bedroom.
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  She's too nice to say it but I know things could be better.
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  I have been researching different ways to improve this
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  area and I found some sexual Mastery courses in the interest
• 1:31
  of transparency. I mentioned this to her on a
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  couple of occasions to gauge her reaction.
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  And have a conversation around it, both times ended up in a
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  quick change of subject. So I decided to pull the trigger
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  and do it for me. Fast forward a few days and she
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  sees the charge on the credit card statement and immediately
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  goes into interrogation mode. Obviously, there is something
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  there that she's not cheering with me, but is there anything I
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  should be doing or do I keep driving?
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  The self-improvement Train full? Steam ahead?
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  Thanks. Well listener.
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  Like, you know, self-improvement is kind of a funny way to Ride
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  this. And I think that, that is really
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  at the root of your wife's anxiety, suspicion, and
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  ambivalence about this. So I really know what your
• 2:17
  sexual Mastery, course entails, nor to be honest.
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  So I know why you need it. If you are a loyal listener and
• 2:25
  follower, because I give them an all the tips they need.
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  But let's say that you decide that you need this to be a
• 2:31
  better lover. I got so much to explore with
• 2:34
  this first. Out of all you say that, you
• 2:36
  know, you could be a better lover.
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  But she says you're fine. Then you interpret is that that
• 2:40
  she's being nice. How do you know?
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  Maybe she thinks you're good. Maybe she doesn't really care
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  that much about sex at all and so she doesn't kind of know what
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  is good or not good and she thinks that it's fine how it is.
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  Maybe she actually prefers that you might listen to her or have
• 3:01
  like a discussion. I know you're going to tell me
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  you've tried to do that but maybe they're just like maybe
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  One specific thing. She doesn't like and she doesn't
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  need like a whole bunch of other sexual Mastery techniques.
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  To get her going. It just seems like, she's really
• 3:15
  not a part of this. And if you're a married guy,
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  you're not supposed to be doing anything sexual for you.
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  You're supposed to be doing it for the couple.
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  So if she's not onboard, do you not take into sexual Mastery
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  course? So that's that's what I deeply
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  feel. She does not know what a sexual
• 3:33
  Mastery course is. I don't think she wants to know
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  at in a worst-case scenario. She could think that this is hot
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  porn star women basically having sex with men on screen so that
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  the men can show you how to do that.
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  And she's not cool with that as nobody would be pretty much.
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  I'm not nobody there's some women that would like to watch
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  with their husbands, dad does not seem to have been on offer
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  either, you're going to tell me she would never do that but if
• 4:01
  she would never do that then why are you who are you?
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  Trying to be with that's basically what she's thinking.
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  She doesn't like this sexual Mastery idea.
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  She doesn't like you watching people have sex on TV or
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  whatever you're going on the Internet or whatever this
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  involves. I don't particularly think that
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  this sounds like something most women would like to hear their
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  husband was doing, there are books on this, whatever happened
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  to Google. How much are you paying for this
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  thing? You know, who is teaching this?
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  It's like if this is about her, it's not being done.
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  In a way that is fulfilling to her.
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  Your sexual Mastery needs to be about your specific partner with
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  in a monogamous long-term relationship.
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  So she's already said that she's uncomfortable and whenever you
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  try to broach the topic she said she's fine.
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  So let's like do it in an analogy for you that maybe would
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  be easier to understand so you sound like a guy is down for a
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  good time. You're open-minded, which is why
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  you're taking your sexual Mastery course.
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  But even you are going to have some heart stops.
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  So let's say that your wife really like the idea of MMF
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  threesomes and two guys on her and you really not feeling it
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  and let's make it even better. Let's say that she likes the
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  idea of, you know, just being totally with another guy while
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  you watch. Lets you may say cool, I'm down,
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  but there's people, you can pull, whatever is your heart
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  stopped. Maybe it's her using a strap-on
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  on you. Maybe it is her getting
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  gangbanged and whatever is your heart stop.
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  So let's say she tries to Broach that, you know, I really want to
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  get better at gangbangs. I really think that would be
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  good for me. It would be very empowering and
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  it would be really helped with my self actualization and the
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  arena of sex and you're like no no.
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  And I don't like that idea at all.
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  And she's like, well, you know, I mean, this is really something
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  I have to do for me. So I am going to take a course
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  on how to get gangbanged and So it's going to be on the credit
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  card. It's actually recurring monthly.
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  So every month I'm going to learn a little bit more about
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  how to get screwed by a bunch of men all at once.
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  I mean, you see my point here, you're not, you can be like,
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  what what do you want? I'm I'm your husband, I'm
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  telling you, I don't want that. What do you learning how to do
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  something? God, I don't want, you know, and
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  does this mean that you don't want me?
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  Cuz I'm telling you, I'm fine as it is, you know?
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  And so she does not whatever you're going to be learning
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  their, you don't even say that it's about the couple you say,
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  it's about your self improvement unless you are thinking that
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  you're going to leave her, which is, of course, what she's
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  thinking. Why is this man want to
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  self-improve? If I'm telling him, I'm fine,
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  who is he becoming a better lover for if I'm saying I'm cool
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  with it as it is right. This is very destabilizing and
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  it leads to a lot of insecurities.
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  So I really do not Blame her for interrogating you because sexual
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  self improvement is only about the self.
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  When you do not have a committed partner, so we need to be
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  figuring out more like what you and your wife can be doing
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  together to improve your sex life.
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  So you could read books maybe you can Google some stuff.
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  I don't know about an entire sexual Mastery course that She
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  feels uncomfortable with if I were you since you've already
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  paid. You know, I would say listen, I
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  understand that I may not have gone about that in a sensitive
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  way. You do always tell me that sex
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  is good, maybe this is my issue. I have insecurities and other
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  areas and maybe this is one of them.
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  I'm sure you have insecurities in other areas, if you're
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  insecure in this area, people are just insecure in one area by
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  the way. So you would say to her.
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  So will you do me a favor? I'm ready to cancel the thing.
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  I think I want about it. Ham-handed lie, it's not.
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  You know, I didn't mean to make you feel suspicious and if you
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  were researching in-depth, something that I said, was not a
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  problem for me in bed. I would wonder why to so, you
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  know, how about this? You sit down with me and we
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  watch the thing together if it makes you uncomfortable.
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  If it's basically, you know skinemax then I will stop taking
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  my course. If it's some dude with like, you
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  know, a PowerPoint about how a woman's vagina works then.
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  And you're cool with me watching it, then then I will with, or
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  without you. And I think that that would be a
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  much better way to approach it. You're owning your own
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  insecurities and the fact that you just really blew past her
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  opposition, you try to bring this up and say that you're not
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  good in bed and she says, you are.
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  So I don't know why you're not telling me.
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  It's probably one of the following either.
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  You come to quick. So you're figuring out how not
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  to prematurely ejaculate, where you don't need a whole The
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  social Mastery course. You need the book, the
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  multi-orgasmic man so go buy that or you are thinking.
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  This is the one that worries her that there was this whole other
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  sexual level of fulfillment. That your wife has, if you just
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  unlock her and if you just unlock that level like in a
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  video game, then you're going to be having transcendental sex.
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  Yeah, terrifying, frankly, terrifying.
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  That is for the majority of women.
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  And long-term relationship, they're trying their best to,
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  you know, get it going for you on a regular basis with some
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  level of enthusiasm. Despite remember refer back,
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  women have zero spontaneous desire, all responsive desire.
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  So she's trying and then she's thinking, you're going to be
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  trying all this weird shit. She's gonna have to manage your
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  ego and your emotions shouldn't have to tell you what a good job
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  you're doing. She's gonna have to worry that
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  you were just watching this on a screen with a hotter.
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  Younger woman, who is able Three orgasms in a row because of this
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  wonderful technique that you've just discovered.
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  This is so much pressure. It's so much pressure.
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  So I say that your wife is really quite normal in finding
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  this to be a lot of pressure and you are normal in this fantasy.
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  That there is this other in like incredible sexual realm of your
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  wife that you're going to unlock, but let me tell you,
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  there's probably not. Some super transcendental other
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  realm, you may learn how to do a few things better, but you could
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  learn that without watching, people do it.
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  And if you say that it is the guy with the PowerPoint,
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  alright? Then watch it with your wife,
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  really asked her to do it and also tell her that you don't
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  have to take the course if she's uncomfortable with it in the way
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  that I tell you, but let me like now delve into this fantasy that
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  you're not alone in having that men think that if they just
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  learn the magic, you know, Pattern of foreplay or
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  intercourse or whatever. Then they are going to unleash
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  the inner porn star in their wives.
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  Listen, this probably not true. You can always learn to be
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  better. I tell you many things that
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  could help you increase foreplay increased massage before hand,
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  allowing the woman to warm up. Gradually, understanding the
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  order of operations for some of these things.
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  Switch that you're not touching the woman's genitals before
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  she's ready to being more dominant.
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  Many what? I mean, I could link you to a
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  lot of stuff I've written about this.
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  I am again, personally offended that you would think that you
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  need a sexual Mastery course after reading my blog.
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  No, I'm kidding. But I mean for real though.
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  I mean, it's interesting that like, like, if I think about it,
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  right? You reading my blog, you're
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  listening to my podcast, you're Googling shit frantically on the
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  internet and you're taking this course.
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  It's a lot. Time thinking about sex.
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  It really is and it is going to freak your wife out, she just
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  like a normal woman. I picture with a kind of low sex
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  drive, she's trying to tell you that it's good.
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  She and and that's it. Like that is how it is in her
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  mind. The more pressure you put on
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  this area of your relationship, the worse.
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  It'll get so back to the fantasy.
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  Yes, you can learn to do some more things, but what are you
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  going to get? You're going to get your wife to
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  have an orgasm. Maybe 10 minutes sooner or to
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  have to At me, like she's not gonna look at you and be like,
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  oh my God, you've changed my life now, I want to, you know,
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  become this sexual goddess. Let's sell the children and just
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  stay in bed for days, on end, pleasing each other endlessly.
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  If your wife had that capacity, I'm picturing.
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  She's in her 30s or 40s, right? If she had that capacity, she
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  would have shown it to you at some other point, you know, by
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  the, by the way, like this idea. That a man can unlock a woman's
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  sexual potential. This is a fantasy, both gender
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  share equally stupidly equally wrong because only a woman can
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  really understand her own self, you know, when women wait and
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  lay back and wait for like a man's sexual prowess, to wash
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  over her, like a wave and Transformer that shit doesn't
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  work you. The woman needs to be in it to
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  win it and she needs to value and prioritize sex herself.
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  Now, your wife she's paired with you.
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  He's no fool. She knows this is your obsession
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  if she wanted to start researching how your sex life
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  could be better, she would have done it a long time ago.
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  So she is probably somebody who will never be obsessed with sex
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  in the same way as you are a she doesn't have testosterone like
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  you be. This is not an area of profound
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  insecurity and need for self-actualization.
• 13:56
  Like it is for you which should be explored by the way, you
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  know? I mean, yeah, you're a man, you
• 14:01
  have a higher sex drive you like sex, but the amount that you're
• 14:04
  researching this It, you know, needs to be explored as to what
• 14:09
  you think this is going to transform for you.
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  You know, you got some self-esteem issues here that I
• 14:15
  think you are thinking. There's going to be this fantasy
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  way that increased sexual prowess is going to fix and
• 14:22
  solve your internal insecurities and it's not magic like that.
• 14:27
  You know, you may learn how to do some fluttering shit with
• 14:30
  your fingers and you're still going to have your insecurities.
• 14:33
  So it's not going to be as Transformative, as you want, but
• 14:37
  women need to be invested in their own sex lives themselves.
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  They cannot wait for a man's sexual prowess to just transform
• 14:47
  anything for them. It doesn't work like that.
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  And when men think that, it works like that, it doesn't work
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  like that. You know, there is no world in
• 14:56
  which your wife is going to completely change her attitude
• 15:00
  about sex because you have learned a couple of new
• 15:03
  techniques, you know, at Very least, you know, she can at the
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  least she's just going to be irritated with you for
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  continuing to perseverate on this now including spending
• 15:17
  money on a course. But at most you are going to
• 15:20
  have a few better encounters. But I don't think that that's
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  worth all the pressure that this puts on her, nor the
• 15:28
  continuation of what seems to be kind of an obsession about being
• 15:31
  the best possible lover, which is definitely going to be a turn
• 15:34
  off to To her. So hopefully this gave you a
• 15:39
  little bit of a different frame to understand this.
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  Now, I am in no way saying that a man or a woman cannot learn to
• 15:46
  be better in bed. What I'm saying is take a look
• 15:48
  at how much of the time of your day you're thinking about this
• 15:52
  and how much you are Googling and researching and thinking and
• 15:55
  paying you know to think that something that this is going to
• 15:59
  be the transformative miracle, that makes you feel more
• 16:03
  empowered. And that makes Our whole
• 16:05
  marriage better. It's usually doesn't work like
• 16:08
  that. It's like almost trying too hard
• 16:10
  and it's going to be a turn off to her for all the reasons that
• 16:14
  I have mentioned. So I hope that this is useful to
• 16:18
  you as a little bit of a different Viewpoint that may be
• 16:22
  what your wife wishes that she could articulate, but she can,
• 16:26
  because maybe she's shy, maybe she doesn't want to hurt your
• 16:29
  feelings or whatever. So I hope this was useful.
• 16:33
  I hope it was useful for everybody.
• 16:35
  Ooh, listen, because a lot of men, struggle again, with this
• 16:37
  fantasy of becoming the perfect lover, and all that, that will
• 16:41
  entail and their wives, hate it in equal measure to their
• 16:45
  enthusiasm is the enthusiasm that their wives have for hating
• 16:48
  this because of the pressure, because of the obsession,
• 16:52
  because of how they are going to have to, then potentially manage
• 16:56
  this man's feelings, when he is trying all these things.
• 17:00
  So it is really interesting for both sides of this equation to
• 17:05
  Listen to this information and to see what it can, maybe make
• 17:08
  you think and realize about your own Dynamics around sex with
• 17:12
  your partner. Thanks for listening, guys.
• 17:15
  Please subscribe, please like me on Facebook, follow me and all
• 17:19
  of that and I will talk to everybody soup.