Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Menopause And When It Leads To The End Of Sex

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Menopause And When It Leads To The End Of Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hello everybody and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. Today we are going to be talking
• 0:10
  about menopause by popular request.
• 0:13
  I already have how women's Brains and bodies change in
• 0:15
  their 40s and 50s. I that maybe subscriber, maybe
• 0:18
  not, you got to look in my podcast, but this one will be
• 0:22
  about 52 on average. American women go through
• 0:26
  menopause. That's just the statistics.
• 0:28
  I'm sure it's kind of the same in all countries and what
• 0:32
  happens and what happens if they just stop wanting sex?
• 0:35
  Entirely after menopause which some women do like, let's be
• 0:39
  real, they do. So I will talk about that.
• 0:42
  As soon as I tell you to subscribe, the most recent
• 0:44
  subscriber episode was on how intercourse is fucking up your
• 0:47
  sex life. So you don't want to miss that
• 0:49
  especially because it's just such a clever title that I did
• 0:53
  think of myself because this is I think of everything myself and
• 0:57
  if you've noticed how it, only one guest in all of this time
• 0:59
  because basically, this podcast is just me talking to myself and
• 1:05
  if you Subscribe. Also you might like my Facebook
• 1:07
  group which is you don't get the podcast subscriber episodes, but
• 1:10
  you do get to talk to other like-minded.
• 1:12
  People about psychology topics and frequently getting a lot of
• 1:15
  my topics from the Facebook group because we have a lot of
• 1:19
  threads there. All right, so let's talk about
• 1:21
  menopause. So is really trendy to be like,
• 1:24
  oh people can, you know, keep being the same person forever.
• 1:28
  This is not real. I don't know why this is a big
• 1:30
  thing. Now, I see these people
• 1:32
  constantly at it's like the more money I People have I also have
• 1:36
  the podcast. Can't Buy Me Love which is very
• 1:38
  related to this topic but it you're not like age old age
• 1:43
  waits for no man. You know, I mean, it's like you
• 1:46
  are going to change and change. I mean, you are going to go into
• 1:50
  different phases of your life. Men have trouble with this idea,
• 1:54
  you know, men really like to have options and they, more than
• 1:58
  women from what I see, they are hard, it's hard for them.
• 2:03
  When there's a closed door, they like the closed-door idea.
• 2:06
  They do not like the end of things they women.
• 2:09
  I think maybe it's because you have kids in the kids.
• 2:11
  Always are like growing into a different thing.
• 2:13
  You're pregnant pregnancy, ends your different cycle.
• 2:16
  You're different, you change constantly over every month,
• 2:20
  hormonal e and mood-wise, no matter what you do about it.
• 2:24
  Women are like it seemed better with the passage of time than
• 2:27
  the males, at least that I work with, which there's two reasons,
• 2:33
  the biological reasons. But also within the That I work
• 2:35
  with. I got many successful
• 2:37
  high-achieving men who have already conquered many sorts of
• 2:40
  things that nobody thought they could do.
• 2:42
  So it's like, why not mortality? Well, because that's impossible,
• 2:46
  you know? So so while you may make more
• 2:49
  money be more successful and whatever than most people you're
• 2:53
  still gonna die and guys have a lot of trouble with this in
• 2:57
  particular. So, what happens usually is,
• 3:00
  look, there's some women that after menopause it's not really
• 3:03
  much of a change and And they can try hormonal replacement
• 3:07
  therapy, and if they had like a really high sex drive before,
• 3:11
  maybe it'll go down, but it's still their kind of.
• 3:15
  But the majority of women that I see do experience a massive drop
• 3:21
  in menopause because your estrogen goes away, literally
• 3:24
  your body's biologically telling you that you can't have any more
• 3:27
  kids. So then why would you have sex?
• 3:30
  It doesn't make any sense. So evolutionarily, the reason
• 3:34
  that limb Rinse, or the infatuation or the honeymoon
• 3:37
  stage last year and a half to two years is, that's how long it
• 3:41
  is for men and women to get together, her get pregnant, her
• 3:45
  be pregnant, deliver the baby, I've nursed the baby until it
• 3:48
  wins while he's around helping out.
• 3:50
  And after that, she's free to go to a new man and increase the
• 3:53
  genetic diversity of our species by procreating with a different
• 3:56
  guy. Every time, she ovulates, and,
• 3:59
  and then the whole cycle starts again, right?
• 4:02
  But what is the reason biologically and Evolutionarily.
• 4:06
  I have a lot of guys who are really into evolutionary
• 4:08
  explanations until they get this conundrum.
• 4:10
  Why would she want sex after menopause?
• 4:13
  What would the reason be? She, no longer has June have to
• 4:17
  keep you. As she can't have a baby bee.
• 4:19
  She doesn't have to keep you. Why would she keep you?
• 4:21
  The children are long out of the house?
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  And in fact, evolutionarily is an interesting part that
• 4:29
  hypothesis that I learned even back in graduate school is the
• 4:31
  grandmother hypothesis, which explains some people Why women
• 4:35
  live longer than men? So much that they can help out
• 4:38
  with their children's children and thereby increase the
• 4:41
  likelihood that their grandchildren survive.
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  And there's been research done that indicates that.
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  When a grandmother is involved, the children do have better
• 4:51
  outcomes, physically, mentally Etc.
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  And of course they would. There's like a whole other
• 4:56
  loving person involved literally living for them.
• 5:00
  I mean, if you know, if you have mother-in-law problems because
• 5:03
  your mother-in-law is a Obsessed with your children.
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  Then you know what I'm talking about, but I say living for them
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  like literally living for them and obsessed with them.
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  And remember we as a species were not made for this life of
• 5:18
  Plenty, we were made to be hunters and gatherers and at
• 5:20
  that point, your mother-in-law would not have seemed annoying
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  when she gets the kids too many toys.
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  She would have seemed really useful when she gets them food.
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  So that's why women are expected to live or do live longer than
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  men by many evolutionary theories.
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  But They're not supposed to be having sex, you know, like
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  there's like literally no reason.
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  So in this case, women of course, there's going to be a
• 5:46
  normal distribution of everything.
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  Some people who are wonderful at statistics, have informed me,
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  there's not in fact, a normal distribution of everything which
• 5:54
  is okay, cool. But there's differences.
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  So I'm still going to say normal distribution because most people
• 6:00
  understand what I'm talking about, but even if it's a, you
• 6:02
  know, even if the tail is longer on one side than the other,
• 6:05
  Side. Still, there are many individual
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  differences. There are women that still want
• 6:09
  to have sex all the time. I don't meet them but maybe they
• 6:13
  exist. Maybe you're so happy that they
• 6:15
  never go to therapy, it's possible, but of the women that
• 6:18
  I interact with, and it's interesting because I do have
• 6:21
  many long-term clients, and I see them before and after
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  menopause frequently, not that menopause is a discrete day.
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  So if you really have zero biological knowledge, and, or
• 6:28
  are a man who has not researched this in menopause, like
• 6:32
  perimenopause can last a decade. So if you're right, 42, then
• 6:36
  she's starting the attenuation of estrogen that, you know,
• 6:40
  starts the journey toward menopause, and menopause means
• 6:44
  Paws of menstruation. Unfortunately, it also means
• 6:46
  pause on men for many women, but the actual thing is meant
• 6:51
  menstruation stops, but it doesn't just stop on a dime.
• 6:53
  It's not like, oh, every 28 days.
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  I have my period. And wow, look, look what left.
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  It's not here anymore, ever. Throw out all the tampons.
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  It's not like that. So you're it will stretch out
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  like, you'll like skip appear. Period.
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  Sometimes your periods actually comes sooner.
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  They come closer together because you're not ovulating.
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  You're not dropping an egg. So your cycle gets all messed
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  up. So in fact, some women think
• 7:14
  they're having a fertility burst or something because they
• 7:18
  associate it with like a shorter cycle somehow better, but it
• 7:21
  just often means that you're not, you didn't ovulate that
• 7:24
  cycle. So the your cycle was shorter
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  but anyway, your cycle start getting wonky, your mood starts
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  to change, depression, anger is Irritability, sleep problems,
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  weight gain waste, thickening specific source of weight, gain
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  like belly weight, gain women's metabolism slows, all of this
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  stuff is just natural human stuff.
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  So it usually doesn't make women feel very sexy.
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  And if there were so basically, if you're a low libido woman
• 7:55
  before menopause the odds, are you liking sex after menopause?
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  From what I see is very low and if you were just an average or a
• 8:03
  high libido woman, maybe you'll maybe you still will especially
• 8:06
  with some hormonal replacement therapy including estrogen
• 8:12
  cream. So, the vaginal walls, atrophy
• 8:15
  after menopause. Like you literally your body
• 8:18
  saying you, you don't need the vagina anymore.
• 8:20
  So it's kind of all done your skin, all over your body, but
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  it's much more Salient and painful in your vagina during
• 8:28
  intercourse is going to get thinner.
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  And so it's not as you know, it's not as resilient down
• 8:34
  there. So Only it hurts and people need
• 8:37
  more lubricant and people don't get as wet.
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  So you really got to think about this.
• 8:41
  It's amazing. How many people don't think
• 8:43
  about this as like a biological phenomenon that indicates when
• 8:48
  biology says, we should not be having sex anymore people try to
• 8:52
  think. Oh, you know, age is just a
• 8:54
  number and menopause is just a, what a word.
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  I mean it's a face. So just like prepubescent
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  children don't, you know, aren't sexual like, Their genitals are
• 9:06
  ad ready for sex because they're not ready.
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  Well, after that, your genital stop being ready for sex.
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  Now, a lot of sex is mental, so if you are in a loving
• 9:15
  relationship and if a primary source of your identity is to be
• 9:20
  a sexy woman, then many women, especially with the Advent of
• 9:24
  hormone replacement therapy, which can include estrogen
• 9:26
  cream, it can include any, any sort of topical thing,
• 9:29
  testosterone cream can include estrogen progesterone and
• 9:33
  testosterone can include Sasha from pellets, I mean, you would
• 9:36
  have to talk to more of an integrative physician, which is
• 9:40
  Google, you know, hormone doctor near me, you know, and you could
• 9:44
  talk to somebody talk to a provider about these options,
• 9:47
  but, yes, there are people who take hormones, not just have a
• 9:51
  higher sex drive, but because the symptoms of menopause such
• 9:53
  as the sleeplessness, The Hot Flashes, because when you get
• 9:56
  really hot and sweaty for no reason, they are so bad and
• 10:00
  migraines can get worse, like, all sorts of stuff.
• 10:02
  So then the women want to help. If some of those symptoms and
• 10:06
  then that also helps with sex and some women directly want to
• 10:09
  see if their sex drive can be maintained, but I talk to a lot
• 10:13
  of women who say basically like I don't even kind of like I know
• 10:18
  I used to like sex but it's like like I don't I don't see how
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  like there's very little continuity.
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  It's almost like remembering having been a child and like, I
• 10:28
  remember being a child and it's funny.
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  It's my kid just said this the other day and I thought I'm
• 10:32
  always gonna like playing. I'm always gonna like playing
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  Never not going to like playing whatever it was.
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  I was playing hide-and-seek tag. Something I'm never not going to
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  like to play. I'll be the person who likes to
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  play. Always.
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  And it's like my kid just said that the other day gets highly
• 10:47
  sensitive, kids have the same, kind of philosophical musings
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  and but you don't, I don't like to play tag.
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  I didn't like to play tag since I don't know, since I basically
• 10:58
  went through puberty, so it's like the same kind of thing for
• 11:02
  many women. Post menopause is they really
• 11:04
  feel like a different A person, they remember long sessions in
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  bed and getting turned on and thinking men were sexy, but it
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  just feels like it was a different life, you know?
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  And if menopause hits you like that, then you are kind of done
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  in your mind. That was a different face than
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  now. And so that's not everybody
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  again. There are people who maintain an
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  active sex life. I don't remember what the
• 11:28
  statistics were, some of them were better than others, you
• 11:30
  know, that like something like close to half of partnered
• 11:34
  people still Have sex, of course, that could mean like
• 11:37
  ever, you know. But anyway, what do you do?
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  If you're partnered with a woman, who's gone through
• 11:42
  menopause, and is basically said, I'm done with sex.
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  Well, I mean, that's an individual decision.
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  I mean, if what you shouldn't do, if you really care about
• 11:52
  your marriage, is go down this hole.
• 11:55
  I will never age, I am Immortal, I will take, you know, I will
• 11:59
  like to up Viagra, like it's candy and like inject
• 12:03
  testosterone like into every You know, square into my skin so
• 12:07
  that I can like feel like I'm still 45 like why, you know,
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  like if you want to stay happily married, like let age, actually,
• 12:18
  naturally soften your desire as well.
• 12:22
  He thought I was going to say, your penis, know that too.
• 12:25
  But let age do what? It's doing to both of you.
• 12:28
  If you want to be like a team player and see what it's like to
• 12:32
  remember when you're young and romantic, you said I want to
• 12:34
  grow old with you. Well, how's that going to work?
• 12:37
  If you're like fighting back the hands of time with like, you
• 12:40
  know, your your whole self and all of the money that you could
• 12:43
  throw at it, that could be something to go to therapy
• 12:46
  about. If you are one of these people
• 12:48
  that just literally has like panic attacks at the idea of
• 12:52
  growing older and still thinks that if they just work out and
• 12:55
  in the right way, they can stay 45 until their 95.
• 13:00
  That's just not really a useful way of thinking and can lead to
• 13:04
  a lot of depression. Even when invariably this fails
• 13:07
  and you are accosted with your own mortality in one way or
• 13:12
  another and or if you are really incompatible with somebody who
• 13:17
  is moving on to the next phase of their life, then you can
• 13:22
  leave, you know, that is possible.
• 13:24
  However, which it can't do is leave but also not divide up
• 13:28
  your assets and also not have the kids know and when they're
• 13:31
  off at college or what have you that you're the one who wanted
• 13:34
  to Leave and you may be able to say we just didn't want the same
• 13:38
  things anymore and they may be okay with that you know, but you
• 13:42
  can't have everything. So that's like kind of a key
• 13:46
  feature of therapeutic. Work is acceptance and reality
• 13:52
  testing. So you can't be a guy who just
• 13:55
  decides they would rather their wife.
• 13:59
  Be act act like, she's still 45 when she's 65 and because A guy
• 14:05
  is trying to act like you're 45 when you're 65, you got to make
• 14:08
  decisions about what's important to you.
• 14:10
  For the majority of happily married people, they will be
• 14:16
  supportive and loving of their wife and this new Faith as long
• 14:19
  as she doesn't completely, you know, just like act mean and
• 14:24
  nasty and condescending about sex and most women who feel
• 14:28
  loved and cherished will still try to be sexual.
• 14:32
  They will still have sex sometimes Seems you know they
• 14:36
  will but it's not going to be like it was when she was
• 14:38
  ovulating like that's not be crazy but it could be even a
• 14:43
  couple times a week because there's no kids around so she
• 14:46
  got more time and she's got less stressed so it could be but is
• 14:50
  she going to act like she is a pornstar if she ever did if she
• 14:55
  going to act like she can't wait to get you alone.
• 14:59
  Probably not but there is a good news because sometimes when with
• 15:05
  Do you know go on a diet where they lose you know, 200 pounds
• 15:11
  AKA that joke about if you divorce, your husband then like.
• 15:14
  So let's say there was a guy that was like, up his wife's ass
• 15:16
  about, you gotta lose weight, you gotta like sex, again, you
• 15:19
  gotta dye your hair. You got to do, whatever, because
• 15:22
  I'm not getting old like this, right?
• 15:24
  And so, she's like, you know what?
• 15:25
  Fuck you. I'm done with this.
• 15:26
  So she's done when your estrogen drops.
• 15:28
  So, does the yes, it's called the, yes, honey hormone.
• 15:31
  So many women are, in fact, they say fuck this shit.
• 15:34
  I don't need this go. Go on.
• 15:35
  Go go try to be young forever with someone else and then they
• 15:38
  meet like this, nice other guy, you know, and book club or
• 15:41
  whatever, frequently, their sex drive comes back.
• 15:44
  Like the honey that's not going to be like when they're 20, but
• 15:46
  they can then sometimes they're surprised that they can feel
• 15:50
  sexual desire again with new relationship energy and with not
• 15:54
  feeling constantly like you're disappointing somebody which is
• 15:57
  world's worst, you know, aphrodisiac is feeling like
• 16:02
  you're disappointing, your husband by agent.
• 16:05
  So yes, it is possible for people to maintain a loving
• 16:08
  marriage. When within a loving marriage
• 16:10
  post menopause. Many women would have to
• 16:12
  actively try to get themselves in the mood even more than the
• 16:17
  average low libido woman that I talked about in, when I'm
• 16:20
  directing the majority of podcast to premenopausal women.
• 16:23
  They still have to try to get into the mood with in monogamy,
• 16:26
  but of course, with Biology and biological changes.
• 16:30
  This would be even more Salient, right?
• 16:33
  Because literally, as I just taught you, You the vagina is
• 16:36
  frequently closed for business or it feels that way and means
• 16:40
  you need a lot different kind of sex, and that's why I wrote the
• 16:44
  podcast. Sex needs to evolve when you're
• 16:45
  older, there needs to be more gentleness, more foreplay, there
• 16:49
  needs to be lubricant. There needs to be more
• 16:51
  stimulation for all the people that listen to my subscriber
• 16:56
  only episode on intercourse. You know, it's fucking up your
• 16:59
  sex life, there should be no, three-minute intercourse ever.
• 17:04
  I think Certainly not post menopause because she's gonna
• 17:08
  rip and tear. I mean, many women won't say
• 17:11
  this stuff. So I say it to you.
• 17:12
  Like she's gonna bleed and that's not going to be fun for
• 17:15
  anybody. So you would need to be extra
• 17:17
  gentle extra loving. And if you are the kind of
• 17:19
  person who is extremely focused on pretending that aging isn't
• 17:24
  happening, then it's going to be even harder for you to respond
• 17:29
  contingently and supportively and intelligently to the actual
• 17:33
  real world. Cool and emotional changes that
• 17:36
  your wife goes through. Alright.
• 17:37
  Well, hopefully, this gave you all a greater understanding of
• 17:40
  menopause and the various options that I see for how
• 17:45
  people can think about this and collaboratively, you know,
• 17:50
  create a different sort of relationship post menopause
• 17:53
  because it will always play some sort of role in your marriage
• 17:58
  because it is a massive biological change.
• 18:00
  Alright, so, talk to you guys soon and please do subscribe.